I feel like I’ve calm down a bit since earlier but I was not in a good head-space. I’ve been struggling to get my final report written and my attempt so far has been quite poor. I might as well not have done a placement with how bad I am at writing about it. My parents are still on my case about my job that I got a few weeks ago and how I must go out and find a second job in order to have enough money to sustain myself when I live in Tralee for final year.
So 4 weeks ago, I started at my first ever job. I have been trying to get a job for the last 2 summers and have always failed no matter how hard I’ve tried. A lot comes at you with a first job. First, you are being thrown into an environment that you are not aware of and given tasks to do that you must learn to do efficiently and become aware of what you need to do and when it needs to be done. Secondly, you are given the quickest introduction to 20+ people than you ever have in your entire life and trying so hard to remember everyone’s names. Then the scary world or work contracts and money and taxes starts flying at you and you are trying to figure all that out. My parents aren’t making this any easier. I haven’t gotten paid yet and my parents won’t stop going on at me about it. Now, I think the issue going on currently is that I need to register for tax stuff and have my work contract fully processed before I will receive any money. I don’t know if this is true but it keeps my mind at ease. My parents keep telling me to go say talk to a manger about this but I would rather prove that I am a good worker and not just some lazy slacker trying to make a quick buck. I don’t like to talk about money. I don’t like that it’s such an integral part of living. It causes bundles of stress for far too many people and I would just not like to think about it if at all possible. I understand that I can’t live off my parents money forever, and I don’t want to. I like the idea of working my own living and not being reliant on people who care more about their finances than my mental health. The job I have currently, which I do genuinely like, doesn’t have that many hours for me, but it has hours nonetheless. So for the last two summers while I tried to get a job my parents were always putting pressure on me to go into down at every opportunity and give places my CV constantly, and give it to the same place more than once if necessary. The latter I find absolutely ridiculous. While I get some place might see that as being eager or confident, which is highly unlikely, most places will find it so desperate that they will never want to hire you. I thought now that I finally got a job, the pressure from my parents would ease off, if anything it feels like it’s gotten worse. I don’t know what they want from me. I’m trying. They keep telling to go look for a second job. They won’t stop telling me about where they see a job notice up. They don’t care where I get this second job, or how I find it, or how I get treated there, they just want me to get a second job and that’s it.
I think anyone who knows me knows that I will do anything to be in college. I’m always there even when people don’t think I need to be. Sometimes, whether I have work to do or not, who am I kidding I always have work to do, that I just need to be there. I know I don’t have the most horrid home life ever but it just makes me feel so down about my self and my worth. When I’m told that I’m not trying hard enough or that my parents are disapproving of all my time stuck to my bed instead of handing out CVs, it just makes me feel like I’m trapped. Towards the end of my placement, my parents kept asking me when I was going to be done, and will I ever be out of that place. I had a job to do. They didn’t care. I wasn’t just going to quit because they said so or because I had actually been there for the required number of weeks. I stayed there because there were tasks lined out for me at the beginning of my placement and I wasn’t going to leave there without finishing them. So all this negativity about me leaving my placement from my parents for the last 4 weeks of my placement, on top of losing my election which I feel I still have so much emotion pent up from that I haven’t let out, and then just creating a lot of negativity towards the people around me who have actually been a support and have been there for me through it all. I was in a downward spiral. I was really depressed. However, since I had a job to do and I needed to be in college to do it, I couldn’t have my time in bed where I could rest. You use up so much more energy when you in a depressive or mentally ill state that it’s just really hard to function properly. I had to put up a brave front for the last few weeks when I really felt I was going to drop to the floor at any moment.
I’m currently stressing myself out immensely because I haven’t my final report done for work placement and I feel like I’m the only one who hasn’t sent it in. My only thing calming me is that we were never given a specific date but I know I need to get it done soon. I think because of this downward spiral I was in, I started to push people away in some sense. I started trying to come up with reasons why maybe I should hate them. I don’t hate them. I think I just want to be angry about something that I had control over. The emotions of losing my election were too raw and I’m trying to evaluate how I’m feeling with that before I say something I regret. So I think I took that anger and pain from that and put it towards a situation where I could think for myself and maybe fix something in what I felt like was already a broken relationship. While I may not have handled myself with dignity or compassion, I think it was a turning point in one part of my life. I’ve started to broaden my mind more towards the relationships between my friends and I and why space is a good thing and I need to get over my fear of missing out over every small little thing. I think the conversations I’ve had with friends over these last few weeks have thought me a lot and I think I fixed some things so now this broken relationship has started to heal. I use the word relationship where I really mean friendship because they mean the same thing fundamentally, I just thought I would clarify to anyone who thinks I might be delusional and have manifested some romantic relationship in my head with someone. I haven’t. The more I think about a romantic relationship or anything along those lines, I just feel insecure. I know that I am nowhere near ready for anything like that and for now I’ll just poke fun at myself, because sometimes that helps me. I joke about myself, and many others join in on those jokes, which I usually don’t have a problem with. However, sometimes I just wish my jokes could stand alone. I make the joke, people laugh, we move on. I don’t think every joke I make about myself needs a series of jokes to follow it. I have the same issue with jokes of a sexual nature. I tend to get uncomfortable in situations where these jokes are rampant in a conversation. I’m okay for a bit but when it becomes the majority of the conversations and it goes on for ages, I start to feel anxious, bored, and like I’m not in the right place. From a comedy and intellect perspective, if you believe I have the knowledge to speak from this, when a joke or a topic that jokes are based off goes on for too long it loses a lot of it’s humour. I know that humour is subjective and it’s up for interpretation from every individual, however, I just don’t understand how jokes that go on for too long or go too far into the grotesque or disgusting, can still be found funny. From the intellect point of view, I find sexual innuendos and jokes in some regards to be quite witty and intelligent because of word play and/or linking something completely unrelated but yet relates so well that it’s funnier to us as we ask ourselves why we hadn’t made that connection before. As uncomfortable as I get, I find myself being becoming more bored lately of these jokes and conversations. I do think that is a personal thing though as someone who likes to write and loves intelligent humour, I find repetition of jokes, which happens a lot with innuendos and such, to be quite irritating unless done properly. I think in realising where I am when these conversations take place and where they don’t has helped me a lot. So when I do get bored and want to experience conversations which are more maybe light-hearted or, you know, interesting, I can leave those people talk away and I can go have the chats with people who still make me laugh.
I’ve realised too that over these last few weeks, that the college is feeling a lot smaller. I find I have less safe/happy places to go. The radio studio and possibly the smoking area are the only two within the college I can think of at the moment. I worry about 4th year that maybe the radio studio might not be that place for me anymore. I only worry about from January on because all the 2nd years will be gone and I’ll miss them all way too much because they are the main ones who have kept me any bit sane over the last few months. Now with the current 4th years finishing up, I don’t know what my final year will be like. I’ve been friends with most of them since 2015, and while I might not have talked to them as much lately because they’ve been so busy, I will miss so much not having them around anymore.
So the reason I wrote this blog, was because I felt like earlier I was at my wit’s end with life. So with the stress of my final report, a second job, not knowing what time I’m working at tomorrow, not knowing what to do, I decided I would go for a walk. It was about 9pm when I decided this. I couldn’t focus on my report and thought maybe I need a few cigarettes and to get out of the house. The cigarettes were needed and so was the little walk down to Tesco. However, before I left the house I cut my wrists a little bit because my parents were getting on my nerves again and I was getting in my head a bit too. I left the house a little after 10pm. I had been in my pajamas all day so I had to get dressed before I left the house. I felt like I was getting dressed for the last time. I felt so dead behind the eyes. I’ve been keeping up to date with Coronation Street lately and they’ve been dealing with some really important topics at the moment such as the male rape storyline with David Platt, and the suicide and it’s aftermath with Aidan Connor. Both stories are so important and not talked about enough. First off, the suicide storyline is really poignant because it’s a very common thing for men to be quiet about how they’re feeling and keep it to themselves so it’s not obvious that anything is going on with them, which was the case with Aidan. So in cases like this a suicide is a massive shock and is completely unexpected. Whereas, if I committed suicide, it’s not going to happen just let me discuss this, I don’t think it would be a shock to most people because through these blogs I am quite open about a lot of how I’m feeling and how I’ve felt in the past. The only people who may be shocked would be my parents because they are so oblivious to any signals and they still stigmatize mental illness and see it as a thing to keep quiet about, they were confused when I went to therapy and didn’t really want to know much about it. I’m not trying to prioritize my story, I’m just contrasting and comparing how stories where there is this open discussion and where there is no discussion. In terms of the male rape storyline then, it shows David’s emotions quite clearly and if anyone was going to kill themselves you would have thought it would have been him but while he was close to doing so he now realises the importance of opening up and how he wants to live. You don’t often hear about male victims of rape so right now Coronation Street is really bringing topics of great importance to light that people need to be more aware of and feel more open to discussing.
Hopefully, now that I’ve written this, my head will be a bit clearer and I will be able to write my final report tomorrow. I hope to get it done by Monday if at all possible. I just want to remove some stress from my life and that is a big cause of stress at the moment.