Then: March 4th 2017
Original Blog Title: I Constantly Feel Like An Idiot!
Never in my life have I ever felt smart enough. I have always felt like I am just stupid and that everyone else is of a much higher intelligence than I am. For the most part this has been caused by people either outright saying that I’m an idiot or laughing at any suggestions or ideas I make.
A lot of thoughts are always actively racing round my head. It’s like my brain is training for the Olympics. It tries so hard to keep up that it wears itself out very quickly, and people wonder why I stay so quiet. It’s hard to talk when you mind is busy thinking about what assignments you need to have done, what time are you going home from college, when are you going to stand up for yourself, when are going to start applying for summer jobs, you need to worry about this friend, worry about failed conversations no matter how long ago they were, worry about never finding love and dying alone. These are thoughts that run through my head 24/7 as well as a few more depending on the day and what is going on at the time. I know everyone has all sorts of things going on in their mind and they can handle it and ignore it. I can’t ignore it. Along with every thought there is an extra positive and negative thought that stems from each one. The negative thought always trumps the positive and thus I don’t know what is supposed to be good about said thought. With all this going on in my mind, I find it very hard to focus and concentrate. Whenever I try to read a book these days I can’t help but read the first line of a paragraph and then skip straight down to the end of the paragraph because I want to get though it as fast as I can because I was a slow reader in school. I would be going onto the second page of a five page story and everyone else would nearly be finished. The thing is I would have to keep re-reading the same part a few times because I wasn’t paying attention when I read it the first time and then I wouldn’t understand where the story was going and have to start from the start all over again to try to figure out what was actually happening.
Now: February 10th 2018
I decide to look at my drafts folder to see blogs that I had started but never finished. This was my most recent one, and either I posted a separate blog that was on a similar topic to this or else I didn’t feel this was worthy to post and left the topic alone. I got in the mood to write a blog and this one from last year brings up some important points and I didn’t want it to go unread. I guess the link that I would make from that blog to what I want to talk about now is that my mind is still occupied with these and many more thoughts on a daily basis. I can’t remember the last time my brain has been silent, it gets overwhelming. Since starting my work placement and being back at college after the Christmas break, my social skills have gone to absolute shit and a lot of my thoughts now are me constantly worrying that I will never be comfortable having conversations with most people ever again. I have been a lot quieter since being back and when I do speak it is nothing of importance and a majority of the time my input is not wanted or needed.
For once it’s not the disinterest in my input that is getting to me, I’m used to that I’m not the most interesting of people. The thing that is making me very anxious and worried is that I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically incapable of having conversations with like 99.9% of people I see on a daily basis. I feel like they all think I’m being weird or maybe distant. I’ve been like this before but never has it been a massive problem like it is now and also it has never effected me as much before as it does now. I’ve kind of stopped making jokes and I tend not to pay attention to a lot going on around me. I’m constantly walking around and ending up in the same places hoping that eventually my social skills setting in my mind with flick back to what it once was. I’ve never been great at talking to people ever but I’ve definitely been better then I am now. I feel very trapped because I can’t really have a conversation with someone about this because that’s the problem. I feel like before I can even try to communicate with anyone I have to try and see why I have this issue and how it can be resolved. Otherwise, I would just go up to people I know and say “I really want to talk to you but your busy. I want you to make me laugh but I know I can’t make you do anything. I want you to talk to me and let me listen but you won’t understand the purpose of this one sided conversation.”
I’m not much better through texting or any thing that is typed. I don’t converse very well through that medium and typically don’t have a conversation over it but I’ve been like that since I started texting. Honestly, I’ve always preferred phone calls. They are more personal. My humour is very sarcastic so it’s easier for me to be funny while talking on the phone because in a message the sarcasm could be misconstrued as me being rude or bitchy. I also feel very comforted and more relaxed hearing the other person’s voice and their laugh. It just makes me feel a lot happier. In comparison to face to face conversations, I think I actually converse better over the phone because the pressure of them looking at me is gone. I get really insecure on a constant basis and I also really dislike eye contact. I’ve been wearing a scarves almost everyday over the last few months because I feel insecure about my neck and chin area so the scarf is there to hide that and also to hide some of my face when I feel embarrassed or nervous.
I feel like I might be going through an identity crisis too because I literally hate almost all the clothes I own. I also refuse to go shopping because that would involve spending money on more clothes that I don’t care about and might never wear. Every time I have gone into a clothes shop in the last year, and a few odd times here and there before that, I have found one thing that I really like when I go into the shop. However, in the time it takes me to finish looking around and start to making my way to the till I have talked myself out of buying that item of clothing I had initial liked and some I even loved and I just put them back and walk out of the shop. It’s worse with my mother because she will make me change my mind quicker and I just want to leave the shop immediately because there is nothing there for me. I hate clothes shopping and anytime I enter shops like Penneys or TK Maxx I always just feel really panicked and stressed for the entire time that I’m in the shop and then once I leave the shop I’m ok again. Essentially, I have no idea what my aesthetic is when it comes to my look and what I wear.
In terms of my look besides clothes, I have been wanting to get my nose pierced for like 2 or 3 years. My plan was to do it for my 20th birthday but then other things became priority money wise and now I can’t get that done. I hope that one day that will happen but I don’t know when now. While I don’t think that a piercing has the power to give me a massive confidence boost, I do think it will make me feel more like how I want to present myself to the world. Not entirely happy with my hair either, I also had plans last year to dye it and that never happened. I did cut it not too long ago but I already feel like it’s gotten too long again.
I’ve fairly distant in a lot of aspects and from a lot of people. I think the issue is that I’m too focused on trying to decipher what my thoughts are all about. I have found myself saying to people who I see very often but not talk to as much, “I missed you!” I’ve said this when I’ve seen someone’s personality and/or humour in a moment that I feel like I used to see a lot more in the past. I do feel like this is appropriate because I feel like I don’t see these sides of people as often anymore. However, maybe they’re not the problem. Maybe I don’t miss them, maybe I miss in those moments, I miss who I used to be back in past.