Mental Illness Take 2: What Really Happens To Me.

I know that I’ve already talked about my mental illnesses and how events have brought them about. However, I never went into much detail on how it affects my daily life, especially the depression. So I think the paranoia has been almost part of my personality from a very young age. I can be really jealous sometimes. So that mixed with the paranoia is not good. This was a bigger problem back in primary school and like the beginning of secondary school. Back then I never understood that people can have other friends besides me. If I saw them with another person laughing and having a great time, my mind would be like “hold up! Who is that she’s talking to? Haha yeah I’m sure she’s so funny.” So I would sulk and be angry about that for a couple of minutes and then start to worry that they are laughing about me, or else what does that other person have that I don’t (my friend that’s what). Luckily I’ve gotten a whole lot better at this now, I’m not as jealous anymore. I’m able to rationalize my thought process quickly enough that my friend being with someone else and having a good time with them, doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Yet I still get paranoia, but with every mental illness there can a couple of different triggers. The paranoia and anxiety are always there just lingering in the background, they can easily be set off.

My “depression” is another story. Yes, sometimes there might be a trigger but very rarely. Usually it comes in kind of random waves. It happens for no reason a lot of the time. It is the worst feeling to ever have, and I can’t control it a majority of the time. When I feel depressed, I feel really small (I know I’m only 5ft3 on a good day, but I mean it feels like my world has closed in around me). It’s kind of like feeling claustrophobic even though you are standing in the most spacious field. I feel like some dark hole is starting to grow from my heart and spread to the rest of my body. I hate where I am in that moment. Not because of where I physically am, or what I’m doing, just that I want to block out everything and anything. It’s really difficult to explain. There is usually certain times where I get it. I have gotten this feeling cycling home from school with a ridiculously heavy bag when it’s raining and getting dark and I’m starving (this happened a lot throughout all 5 years of secondary school). I get it most often when I’m at home alone (like I was tonight). There is sometimes where I can stop it from getting too bad by trying to busy my mind with things I need to do like “you still need to hear back from that person, or you need to go and do this tomorrow.” This doesn’t always work. I never knew how to cope with this feeling as a child. I would sit on my bed, face in towards one of the corners of my room, and cry into a pillow for what felt like hours at the time. It’s scary to think that a young child was having these spouts of depression with no way to control it or explain it, so no one ever knew about it. I have found out that while I can’t really turn it off easily, if I think back to times where I had the feeling, I can get that depressed feeling. I never do that, because I hate it. I hate it so much. It’s in those moments where I think of ending my own life, thinking that I’m a horrible person, and just anything negative that makes me feel worthless. I’m never usually around people when this happens, and if I am I walk away to somewhere to be alone so that I can get back into a normal,calm frame of mind. If I can’t walk away, like if this happened in school (which it has), I would close my eyes, cover my ears, and let my mind just yell at me for everything that I’ve done wrong ever. I find that I get this depressed feeling the day after I’ve had a really good day. I get so happy when I’m having a good time,so when it’s over I get really upset.

Nowadays, if I do get this feeling I tend to look up entertaining or funny videos on YouTube to cheer myself up out of this dark state of mind. It might take a while but it eventually works. I don’t think anything could help better than laughing. To be fair, I haven’t tried anything else. I’ve never spoken to someone when I’m feeling that way. If I was having a conversation with someone online, it’s really easy to hide these emotions. If there is some of you who feel the same way I do, or just have a day where the weight of the world has got you down, here are some of the videos that I watch when I’m feeling depressed.

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Why Do People Always Bitch About Their Friends?

I hate bitches (not female dogs, just people who bitch a lot). Don’t get me wrong I am a bitch, and I hate myself too. The world is just full of them. Almost everyone is guilty of being one at some point in their lives, you mightn’t even realise you’re being one. I just don’t see why you bitch about someone who you consider a friend. Like I’ve heard people bitch about people who seem to be their best friends, they’re always together, they’re always laughing, but like most things it can’t be that simple. Your friend didn’t even do anything, you just feel the need to rant about them because you are getting bored of them, or annoyed by them over nothing. You get hung up on the small things they do and bitch about how annoying they’re being.Yet you don’t seem to really do anything about it. You bitch about them, say that you’re not really friends with them, but when you’re with them you just pretend like you don’t dislike them at all. Are you just lying when you bitch about them? I don’t think you are, but the way you act around them then makes it appear otherwise. People wonder why I have trust issues, this is why!!

I’m happy that you look to be having fun with your friend, but if you’re not really friends with them, it’s not good to pretend, for either of you. I know we all have to be nice to people, and continue to be nice to them, but you don’t have to be friends with them if you don’t want to. It’s not mandatory. It might take a while but believe me people do this stuff all the time. I could easily be digging my own grave with this post. Imagine how many people will now be like “Yeah I don’t want to be your friend any more. Okay thanks bye!!” Obviously I don’t want that, because I have my doubts about particular people in my life, and whether they ever wanted to be my friend and this is their escape, finally. In the end, if those people want to leave it’s probably better that they do. There’s no point sticking with this if it’s not working. I will be sad, I will cry, but that is because I am human, an overly caring human. With my failed friendships, I don’t think anything went wrong really. We’ve just drifted apart. This has happened to me with a couple of friends, it’s horrible to go through, the recovery process is slow and painful, but I am able to deal with it and eventually get over it.

The people who really and truly want to be my friends will stick around. That’s all I need right? I have never been great at friendships. Making them was never easy, and maintaining them was much more difficult. Please don’t make me put you off wanting to still be my friend, I’m not trying to do that. I’m still trying to figure out what I’ve done wrong to put people off me so far. We all make mistakes, I don’t understand why I had to suffer. I was a stupid kid, who knew no better. That was then, this is now. There is literally no reason why the people I’m doubting currently would hate me. I have been as nice and loyal and caring as I could be to them. I listened to their problems, tried to help them, and most importantly tried to make them happy. Is that not good enough for anyone? What more is a girl to do? They never appreciate anything I do, and I’ve done a lot. Yet when the role is reversed, I am the most thankful, grateful human being to their kindness and generosity.

I guess I don’t understand the human mind like I think I do. I guess what they are doing is right in their own mind. Maybe they just don’t genuinely like me and have put up with this charade for far too long and want out. I wouldn’t blame them for that, you can’t help not liking someone. I’m sure they have their own reasons. I wish I knew these reasons because then maybe I could try and improve myself and be a better friend to someone in the future. Either way can you please just make your fucking mind up and tell me where our friendship stands because I feel like I’m nearly starting to hate you because you won’t tell me anything. You’ve driven me to almost hate you even though I don’t. Well done if that’s what you were trying to achieve. If it’s not, then sorry but I can’t wait here forever. I have a life I need to start living. If I’m holding you back then fucking run! Leave! Out!! I don’t want to do that to you, so I’d hope with all my heart that you wouldn’t want to do the same to me. I want you to live the best life you can, and if it’s without me then so be it. All this might sound dismissive and like I don’t care. This isn’t what I’m trying to express. I really care about you and wish all this could work, but if it doesn’t we both should just let go, which looks to be really easy for you to do.

The truth is I care much more than I’d like to admit, I care about my friends happiness and well being far more than my own. If no one can see that by now it’s understandable because I find it really hard to express this when I’m really talking to someone. Right now I seem to only be able to express my love and gratitude through a computer screen even though I see these people in real life all the time (not all the time, my friends are busy people). I do think that this is a good stepping stone though. So in case I’ve never said or haven’t said it enough, I love you guys. If you ever have any problems, worries, or need a human punching bag, I’m here for all your emotional and violent needs.

My Worries About College And Why I’m Scared Of The Future.

Now there is a great chance that I won’t get into college this year because my grades have been horrendous in pretty much all of my subjects. If one more person tells me “Don’t worry, you’ll get in. I’m sure you did fine,” I am going to jump out of a window of a one story building. I know they’re trying to be all comforting and what not, but they don’t know how unprepared I was for the exams. I was on the brink of panic attacks for the last 2 months prior to sitting the Leaving Cert. I was a nervous wreck so even when I tried to sit down and study, I couldn’t. In the last few days of school, when I was staying around late like I usually did, I laid my head down on my folded arms, on the table and would cry or breathe really quickly for 5-10 minutes. I did this because I was freaking out. I did this a couple of times during the school day too. Shout out to Kadance for noticing something was up on one of those days, and was genuinely concerned. I decided to play it off like it was nothing, “oh I’m just tired”. She could tell that I was troubled about something but she didn’t want to push me just in case I didn’t want to tell her. At the time, I was really tempted to tell her what was wrong but I was worried about ruining her day. When she asked me the first time what was wrong, I said “Nothing,” but I had this waver in my voice like I was just about to cry, which I was but I held it back. I didn’t want her to be distracted by thinking about what was wrong with me in one of the next few classes. That sounds really conceited and self centred of me to just assume that someone would just keep thinking about me after I talk to them. It is. However, the mind can wander, and sometimes you can’t help but replay conversations in your mind, especially if you’re in a boring class with nothing better to be thinking about. Anyways, at the time someone being concerned was nearly enough to calm me down. That day I was panicking about nothing. I just sat in the classroom with my head in my hands breathing in and out really quickly. I felt like I was going to be sick because I was so anxiety ridden. I had tears welling up in my eyes. I honestly don’t even know what was wrong with me, so even though I did want to tell Kadance, I didn’t know what to tell her. I didn’t know what was wrong with me except school stresses which were bad at the time, I guess. I was very grateful that she was concerned though.

Now let’s say I actually get my course. Will I like it? Will I even be good at it? It’s pointless for me to worry about the answers to these questions, because I won’t know that until I’m there and I’m sure after a couple of months I will find my strengths within the course. I’m trying to block out these worries as much as I can because I get really upset thinking about the future. Other people are excited to go off and do all this stuff. I want things to stay the way they are right now. I know that that isn’t possible, and even if it was it would probably get boring after a while. I prefer to live in the moment. Most people say to live in the moment, these same people are the ones who only care about the future and can’t wait to leave. Which isn’t a bad thing to want to have a fresh start in a new environment. It’s exhilarating for people, they get so excited for what the future holds. I’ve always found it difficult to make friends, and even more so to stay friends with people. Mostly it was due to the fact that people just grow apart. The transition from primary to secondary school is when I lost a lot of friends. I’m scared that that’s going to happen again during this transition from secondary school to college. I have a really big fear of abandonment, so I think that’s what brings up the anxiety around this subject.This time around though is much worse. We are all going to different places. We are all doing different things. They will make friends in their course. I’m not so sure that I will. I know I’ll be doing loads of group work and I will need to find a group that I’m comfortable around, which is easier said than done. I’m not even completely comfortable around my friends now(I’m getting better with that though). It’s not their fault, it’s mine. I have a lot of insecurities, and I always think that’s all people see. So this makes me nervous being around people. Trying to make friends with new people just scares me. It took a long enough time for people to really talk to me in secondary school.

I don’t want to grow up. I don’t give a fuck about turning 18 and being able to drink and go out. I’m never going to be the kind of person who likes to go on nights out. So turning 18 won’t change anything in that aspect. I hate being told that I’m too old to do something. Where did these rules come from? So what if I’m 17 years old, why am I not allowed on a bouncy castle? That shit just destroys lives. I am definitely getting a bouncy castle for my wedding, if I have one. (I’ll have a normal one, but I’ll also have an obstacle course one so that we can see which Maid of Honour is superior. It will be mine for sure.)Why can’t I be Peter Pan? That’s always who I wanted to be.

Last night, I had a couple of dreams. The first being that I got my Leaving Cert results, one kinda realistic but the rest not.English=81%.Biology=67%.Physics=92%. They were the only ones I could see in the dream but I did get 60% in something else, probably one of the pass subjects. My next dream was really strange. Somehow I got pregnant. It didn’t show how it happened or who the baby daddy was. Now if this happened in real life, I would be so angry and distraught because I don’t want to go through the process of having a baby, nor do I even want a baby, especially at 17. (I’d rather a child aged like 4 or 5 and above, when I grow up and in a loving relationship). However in my dream, I seemed really chill about the idea. I think I was doing sort of a Juno deal and letting some couple adopt the child once it was born, except I wanted to be involved in the baby’s life. So the dream went quickly past the actual giving birth, and since it was a dream it wasn’t painful at all. It took me like an incredibly long time to come up with a name for the baby. I settled with calling him Joey. Absolutely none of my friends knew that I was pregnant as I had only told my family, so the first thing that I wanted to do once I had given birth was to take a picture of Joey, put it on Snapchat with either the caption “Wow pregnancy takes a lot out of you i.e. a baby” or else “Better out than in I always say”. This was about half way through the dream but the first picture I took of him didn’t come out great, and the family had already taken him home. So the rest of the dream, was me running from the hospital, trying to get to their home to take a picture of the baby for Snapchat. Every picture I took was always so blurry. I had just taken the perfect picture but then I woke up.

I have never had a dream like that before. It scared me how relaxed I was with the idea of having a baby. When I woke up I thought that I was actually pregnant, I thought the dream was real for about 10 minutes. Also I was so angry that most of the dream was about Snapchat, when I hated the app from when it came out in 2011 up until a couple of months ago. I’m nervous about growing up and having more responsibilities. I’m not even sure what I want to do with my life. I have a course picked out that sounds interesting, but I don’t know what I want to do after that. I don’t know where I want to live. I don’t know anything.

How Alcohol Causes The Demise Of The Sober.

This title might seem a bit strange, but I feel the need to discuss this. Everyone always tells you about how much alcohol damages the mind and body of those who consume it. They never tell you how the behaviour of those who drink affect others, at least not in detail. Not this kind of story anyways. I’m going to talk about a situation that my friend Sam has had with her family throughout the years, she is also 17 so keep that in mind.

Her parents aren’t alcoholics, they don’t even go out that often. Her father(we’ll call him Jeff) goes out every Sunday without fail, Saturdays if there is something on, bank holidays, and a couple of days while they are off work on holidays. Since she was really young she felt that her and brother had to care for their father whenever he came back from town on a night out. Sam has always felt more responsible for Jeff though, her brother never did much even though he was older one. Usually their mother Florence (Flo for short) was working a lot of the days that Jeff went out. So not only would they be by themselves in their house for a couple of hours worried about what bad people could come and kidnap them, but also worry for the safety of their father. Sam was always full of worry, she could never enjoy herself when he was out. Before I go any further I should probably discuss how Jeff acts when he’s inebriated. He’s not aggressive, he’s never beaten Sam or any of their family. He’s what people describe as a “happy drunk”, Flo is like this too. When Jeff is drunk, he stumbles around and often has fallen over. He constantly repeats himself, which is more annoying than anything else.So with the stumbling over, Sam worries that on his way home, because he sometimes walks, that he will get hurt. Sometimes she’s been with him in town and keeps an eye on how much he’s drinking and tries to convince him to leave before he gets drunk. One time, Sam was walking home from town with Jeff and they were walking up this small incline, it wasn’t a hill just the footpath going up a little. Jeff was walking sort of leaned forward, he started to lose balance and feel off the footpath, face first on the road. Sam always panicked in these situations. He laid still for a minute. Sam then tried to help pick him up. He wasn’t too hurt or anything, but bear in mind Sam was only about 9 or 10 when this happened and her dad wasn’t that much taller than her but he was a little heavy. She hated having to walk him home. It took some stress off her to be at home where she could distract herself with something will she hoped that he would make it home.

He always was much worse on days that Kerry (our home county) were playing in football. He would drink quicker, thus going through more drinks than normal. There was one day last year, 2014, it was a week or two before the All Ireland Footbal Final (I’ll refer to it as AIFF, I don’t want to keep typing it in full). Kerry were playing in a semi final or something, so Jeff went into town to watch the game in a pub as per usual. Sam was worried, but it wasn’t the AIFF yet so she didn’t think it would be too bad (she couldn’t have been more wrong). She was alone in the house, her brother was in his room but he stayed in there most of the night. She never usually bothered him or talked to him about her worries or for help with Jeff. On this particular night Jeff wasn’t home until 11pm. This was odd seeing as the game had ended at about quarter to 7 (or some time like that I don’t know). Either way she came downstairs to unlock the door, it had been a rainy night she hoped that Jeff had taken a taxi home. To her horror he was dripping blood just above his eye, and the front of his clothes were all wet. He had walked home and he had fallen walking on a rough, pebbly path. He said he had left town at quarter to 8. That means he was laid face down on the ground for nearly 3 hours, in the rain. So Sam went and got a damp cloth from the kitchen and started to clean away the blood, while Jeff repeatedly said “I’m sorry” to her, he was able to realise in his drunken states when he had upset her. She had this quick shift in personality and speech when she had too deal with him when he was drunk. On this occasion, and on many other, she never got visibly upset. She never cried. She never had a shake in her voice. She would talk very simply, she never really talked much, and she would never look him in the eye. She was very serious and would do what she needed and just try to get Jeff to go upstairs to bed as quickly as she could, without showing her concern by forcing the idea upon him. She thought that night when he didn’t come home, that he had died. She wouldn’t dare call him in case he wouldn’t answer, thus instilling in her mind that he had died. So the knock on the door was a major relief, until she saw the blood.

Aside from me, she never told her friends about this because her parents never wanted anyone to know about our family’s private life. So when she always told people she wanted Kerry to lose in every game they played, she could never give them the real answer. She usually made up something like “shouldn’t all teams get a chance, it would be nice to see different teams winning the AIFF”. She wanted Kerry to lose so that they would have less games, as to limit Jeff’s worse days. She still loves her dad though, he’s completely fine when he’s sober. She thought her friends would understand, they would think he was a monster for putting her through some tough times. She never wanted anyone to hate or even dislike her father. She would always dread the AIFF every year. After the blood ordeal, the actually day of the AIFF wasn’t that bad in comparison. But she was still worried and couldn’t concentrate on her school work. That was the case most years though. She couldn’t talk to anyone about her problem. She never wanted Jeff to feel guilty.

So because of Jeff, and sometimes Flo, she really hates the idea of going on nights out the pubs and night clubs. She doesn’t want to be around drunks, or people who are even just a bit tipsy. If she ever has to see her friends acting different because they have been drinking, I think her heart will break. She will turn into super protective mode and just try and get them home. Which isn’t a bad thing, but it kind of kills the fun. Like I know people really enjoy night a out, and like having a drink so the last thing they want is someone trying to stop them from doing this. Sam would never want to spoil anyone’s fun and is totally fine with her friends drinking, heck she hasn’t even had an alcoholic drink herself and she does want to try it when she’s legal. She doesn’t enjoy being in the company of people drinking on a night out.

Confidence Issues And Insecurities

I know that a lot of people have confidence issues, even if they don’t show it. Someone might be a really outgoing, talkative, friendly person but deep inside they have insecurities that make them feel nervous and a bit self-conscious. It comes down to the simple idea of “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” because you never really know what someone else is thinking, even if you feel like you do.

So when I was young (I’m like super old now. 17? I might as well be 102!) I spent a lot of time at my Nan’s (grandmother’s) house with my older brother, and my two older cousins. In that dynamic I was the youngest and everyone loved me. I was the cute, innocent little girl (Haha, no I was so far from that).I definitely got away with more stuff then they did that’s for sure. I remember one day we all ran up the huge field at my nan’s house, accompanied by my Nan’s dog Lassie (R.I.P. my childhood dog. I’m totally not crying right now. Shut up!) and my Nan’s boss’s daughter who was older than me but younger than the others. So we ran up carrying a bed sheet and my cousin David had his hurling stuff with him. I’m a bit fuzzy on most of the details from that day. Somehow, when we were going back down the field the four of them held each corner of the sheet and carried me down the field. Besides the fact that I had the hurling equipment in their with me, I felt like a queen sitting on my throne. I felt so happy, especially when they’d run a bit because then the sheet got bouncy and it was so fun, it was like being on a magic carpet or a moving trampoline. I was probably like 4 or 5 when this happened and it was a really sunny day. (This story might seem irrelevant now but hold on to the idea that I felt like a queen)

                                          This wasn’t that particular day, just one of the many days we spent together. Being the youngest, I was the typical attention seeking child that entertained the family, whether they wanted the entertainment or not. I would jump around a lot or sing a stupid song. I used to do a magic act where I tried to make things disappear. Now this would either be a piece of food which I would just eat to make it disappear, or else a teddy which I would either throw it up in the air, stuff it under my shirt or else just hold it behind my back. When I was about 5 my uncle started dating this woman called Paula (she would later go on to become his wife and they have a baby girl together). So for a while when I would go to my Nan’s house she was there, because my uncle was living at home. She was teaching me how to sing the entirety of “The Rattlin’ Bog” which for someone like me was quite an achievement. I found it hard to say words as a child (I’m still fairly bad at this to be honest). I did learn it all and even could do it a little sped up too. One day I saw her outside my house talking to my dad, she was in town to get something and dropped by. When I saw her I ran outside and sang her the whole song. She had never heard me sing the song the whole way through before. She taught it to me in parts and I went and practised it myself altogether. She was so surprised and she was so delighted that she let out like a joyful laugh. I thought she was laughing at me because I did a terrible job or I sounded bad, so I ran inside crying. I refused to talk to her properly for a good 5 years. That was my first experience where I lost some confidence.

I used to be really talkative at the beginning of primary school. I got into trouble a couple of times for talking during class or during assembly. I got bullied at quite a young age by a girl who shall remain nameless. I never did anything to her, she just decided to pick on me and nobody else. This made me self conscious really early on. I had a lot of self doubt. So with that, the boys and my friends who didn’t really care at the end of the day, my confidence diminished quickly. So if you really think about it, I could have been a really confident person if primary school went differently. Not that it was all bad but I just feel like I missed out on a lot of things I really wanted to do. In 3rd class, we were deciding who was playing what part in our Christmas play. It was kind of a modern version of the nativity story. On the first day when we were just doing a read through of the script I was told to be the main character. I regret how I did it. I just read it, I didn’t try to perform it, because I didn’t want to be laughed at. Also, it’s not like any of us had acting lessons, that was our first proper Christmas play. Luckily I got the whole script that day and I got to keep it. My best friend ended up getting the main part, and I was happy for her and she did a great job. I was cast as a pizza man called Mario. I did have lines but there wasn’t too many but I still a couple extra lines than the other pizza man, Antonio. However for this part, I had to put on an Italian accent. It was really bad. Not only that but I was saying the lines to my best friend, so I found it hard not to laugh during it. But before we said our lines, me and the other pizza man (who was actually a boy) had to play hot potato with a pizza box, while a song about what we were doing played and we had to act like we were singing along to it. I think that I had a fair bit of confidence to get up in front of the whole school, teachers and parents, and do that.                                                 By the time the big 5th class Christmas play(again a modern version of the nativity) came around, I was merely a dancer, in the back row. We were all dressed up as cowboys and cowgirls, while the cow character and one of my friends sung the song. Because I didn’t have any lines in this I don’t have the script but I have most of the songs. I was confident in some aspects throughout 5th class though. My teacher was always saying that I was really good at sports during P.E. I even showed up some of the boys, so I was proud of myself. In 5th and 6th class I started going through the main parts of puberty for a girl. I got my period before I knew what it was, I was 10 and I didn’t tell my Mom for like 2 or 3 months because I thought there was something wrong with me like I was ill. My boobs began to grow and my hips were widening. While I was younger than most other girls in my class, I felt like I developed a little earlier or quicker than they did. I felt really self conscious. It also didn’t help that I was getting fat at that time too. We had an International day at school, when I was in 6th class. In my class a few of my friends created this French trivia game. They had a spin-able wheel numbered 1-6 and there was a question associated with each number, asked and answered in French. But because it was international day, a few of us had to dress up as a couple different nations and play the game on stage in front of the whole school. I was Spain. I had a red sash that said “Miss Spain” written on it. I had a red, long gypsy skirt( I think that’s what it’s called). I tied a red scarf on my head. I was holding castanets. I had to get dressed in our class bathroom. When I came back into the classroom everyone was looking at me because the white t-shirt i was also wearing was a little low (nothing too inappropriate, you could barely see the top of my A cup sized boobs). I kid you not some of their jaws dropped, and I got one or two whistles from the boys. I don’t if I was feeling really confident or objectified in that moment, but I didn’t really hate all this attention.

Entering into an all girls secondary school, was a like a culture shock. There was never too many girls in my primary school classes so this was a big change. So being surrounded by so many girls who would wear make up and do their hair, I felt really ugly. I didn’t even brush my hair most days, I didn’t see the point who was I trying to impress(this was mostly in 1st year). I’ve always hated make up, never gotten the appeal. My Mom tried to force me to wear it on many occasions. On the night of our graduation mass in 6th year I wore make up for the first time ever. I also curled my hair a little. I was so nervous walking over to where everyone was waiting outside the church. I got so many compliments throughout the course of the night, it was insane. The first time in my life I felt like I wasn’t the odd one out, even though I wore a suit and not a dress. I felt like people weren’t staring at me, thus reducing my anxiety and paranoia for the night. Again, I felt confident that night, I was even in pictures, that never happens. I got a huge confident boost in the last few weeks of 6th year, when I came out and when I read the poem in front of everyone. I had never been happier, I finally felt like I fit in. My friends jokingly were calling me Queen Sandra. Being me, after hearing this I went and made myself a crown out of pipe cleaners because I’m crafty as fuck.I know I’ve talked about this already in other blog posts but it fits into this story too. I’ve since lost some confidence in myself, due to the fact up until over a week ago, I was barely talking to anyone. So when I started writing these posts I built up some of my confidence again when people actually enjoyed the way I wrote them. I sometimes feel insecure about my hair. It’s nothing exciting I’ve had like the same hair style for at least 5 years. The only variation I’ve had with it is cutting it a little short (just up to or slightly above my shoulders, nothing major). Which I did get compliments for at the time. On a general basis however it’s fairly boring. It’s completely straight (not like me). I’ve never really been happy with the colour of my hair. I went through a stage of wanting to dye it black but thankfully I quickly grew out of that stage. I’ve always wanted to have blonde or semi-blonde hair, which I kind of had as a child. People said I was blonde for a little bit anyways, but I can’t find any great examples. I should be happy that at least my hair doesn’t look like this any more. Why my parents thought the fringe was a good idea, I will never know.                                                If you’re curious why my legs are all marked in the 2nd photo, it’s because I used to climb things a lot, thus falling quite a bit. Yet I never broke a bone. I did nearly climb over the wall at my Nan’s house once before I was even able to walk, and if I had made it onto the road on the other side of the wall, I would’ve been road-kill because cars were always speeding down that road. The truth is, I’m never going to be really confident. I might be able to put on an act at some point, but that’ll be the best I can do. Some people are able to put on this mask of sorts to give the impression that their confident to others but deep down they are just as, if not more, insecure than everyone else. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, until those insecurities build up inside and you start to feel worse about certain parts of yourself. While it might make most of your life easier to ignore these feelings, at the end of the day it won’t really help. If there is something about yourself, physicality or personality wise, that you don’t like just fix it. (I’m not condoning plastic surgery though, but do what you want I can’t stop you. Just so you know though, that shit is expensive. If your going to spend large amounts of money, use it wisely like donate to a charity or adopt a child, if you want one and are willing to care for it).

Darkness Comforts The Fallen Ones. Light Inspires Them To Pick Themselves Back Up.

Darkness is tranquil and peaceful.
Darkness is eerie and haunting.
I used to fear it,
Now it's my home.

It's my escape from reality.
I can't see people,
They can't see me.
It's like everyone is invisible, not just me.

Even on the brightest of days,
Darkness is lurking.
I just have to close my eyes,
And the light is gone.

I'm more free to be creative.
I can't see anything,
I must imagine something,
Something to occupy the vast, empty space.

I can choose to live there forever.
I'm able to be alone with my thoughts.
If I get angry I can hit the dark,
I can pretend that I am destroying whatever caused the anger.

I will never choose that life.
It might be great for a while,
But life is light.
It's bright,shining, and guides the path to the      future.

Light is in the heart of everyone.
It's what motivates us.
It's what makes us smile.
It makes us see the beauty in the world and in      people.

We are able to live in the moment.
We have fun in the daylight.
Other's can see us.
We are all visible.

Light signifies the burning fire of passion inside us all.
We can bring the light with us into the dark.
When we can't see the sun, the moon is our disco    ball.
We can dance with our loved ones, under this orb of hope.

The only thing that blocks this orb is clouds.
These clouds always pass.
Just like life's barriers,
The light will always shine through.

We are the stars.
We might seem really small,
But if we're not there someone misses us.
Every little star is important in life's constellation. 






Reasons Why I Am Both Mentally And Physically Drained.

I go to sleep really late most nights, stay in bed really late in the mornings, and stay in my room on my laptop for pretty much the whole day. This is pretty common for kids and teens to do over summer, especially for those of us who just did the Leaving Cert. We’re all really tired after all the time and energy we put into preparing and doing the exams. Due to the fact that I don’t get up at a normal time in the morning (I’m usually up between 1-3pm), I haven’t been having breakfast. Now you mightn’t think this would be too bad if this has only been since the exams finished. I haven’t been eating breakfast most mornings for the past 7 months. In conjunction with that, I also stopped eating my school lunches from January to May. I know this isn’t good for me. I know it’s probably going to hurt me, because it already has.

Now before January, there was still some mornings where I didn’t have breakfast but that was only 3 or 4 times. From about 3rd year on I started having these horrible stomach pains usually on a school day at around 2 or half 2 in the day. I was in pain from whatever time they started until I cycled home, ate dinner, and maybe an hour or 2 after that they would stop. Sometimes it happened earlier in the day and the pain would last for longer. Some days I didn’t get any pain. This happened a lot in both 3rd and 5th year, and the odd time in 6th year. All this happened while I was still eating breakfast and my packed lunches for school. I never told anyone I was in pain (except my parents, who would advise me to eat and then go lie down). Why would I tell anyone? What could they do? Nothing, that’s what. I felt so so sick going home most days. The thought of having to cycle home was kind of depressing. I wished that I could have gotten a drive but my dad was always working or sleeping after working nights, when I would be going to and from school. I never went to a doctor about it. I tried to ignore the pain and power through it, however difficult it would be.

In January of this year, I never planned to stop eating “the most important meal of the day” and my packed lunch, it just sort of happened. I was always trying to be in school super early in the mornings. So by the time I had dragged myself a out of bed, put my clothes on, made myself look presentable (some bit anyways), done the homework and/or studied for the test I had that day, it was time for me to go to school. I didn’t have time for breakfast. The reason for not eating lunches was because I’ve always felt really awkward eating in front of others for two main reasons.1.I just find it weird and I don’t like it, and 2.I felt like people would look at me and be like “Look at that fat fuck eating again, you know fasting wouldn’t be a bad idea for her.”
Now I know this is completely absurd and I know that no one who was ever in my class or year would ever even say or think this, but you need to remember that I am mentally unstable and I contrive a lot of unlikely (sometimes impossible) situations in my head. It also didn’t help that I ate alone most of the time, so I felt like the odd one out, while everyone else were chatting away in their groups. I think that after I stopped eating those meals, my appetite has diminished. You would think that I would have tried to fix my problem, I never really thought of it as a problem until about March. Believe me I was getting up at 6:30am most mornings, and I still didn’t have enough time. I was just really slow at getting ready in the mornings and there was a lot of times when I had a lot of school work to do. It would only take about 15-20 minutes for me to cycle in but I insisted upon getting up incredibly early, getting ready, doing school work, cycling to school, and doing more school work before 9 because I still hadn’t it finished.

Also around January, my sleeping routine got changed a little. With all the work I was trying to do and get done, I would stay up until about 10 or 11pm (sometimes midnight) doing homework, without breaks. I would then spend about an hour or two on the internet on my phone, so I wouldn’t be actually getting to sleep until about 1 or 2am. So then the fact that I would be getting up so early, I would always have less than 6 hours of sleep. This didn’t happen everyday, but it happened a lot. I think that this lack of sleep and lack of eating brought on a lot of unnecessary physical and mental pain. I would be fine most of the day but once it got to after big lunch, my stomach would be rumbling really loudly. I would be falling asleep (mostly in Chemistry). Well, I never fell asleep but I found it really hard to keep my eyes open and hold my head up. I would get stomach pains, but at least now I had a reason it wasn’t like before. I would feel like I was going to faint from exhaustion. It didn’t help the fact that I seemed to carry huge bundles of books to every class I was going to, constantly dropping my pencil case, and sometimes dropping all my books by the lockers. I felt like life was just going against me. I would throw a book on the floor really hard, or punch my locker out of anger some days when I just couldn’t take it. I couldn’t really have an outburst in front of everybody, I would’ve looked like a freak. No one knew what was going on, I would’ve looked insane. My eyes were really sore most days too because I was so tired I was always rubbing them. Well sometimes I would do that because I felt tears in my eyes, and I couldn’t cry, there were people around and they were all chatting and being happy. I didn’t want to bring down someone else’s mood.

These days, when I try to have breakfast I just feel sick. I am trying to ease myself back into bit by bit, but obviously I haven’t been trying hard enough. I had one slice of toast Thursday when I was up at 9am because I had an appointment. I haven’t had any other breakfasts and I feel like a failure. The reason I didn’t try doing this sooner is because, I’ve lost a lot of weight since January. I’ve noticed a change anyways. I started to feel a little bit good about myself when I first noticed this and I knew if I started eating again I would just stay fat forever ( I know I’m not fat, I’m just not skinny).

In relation to my sleep schedule now, I’m just trying to get back all those hours that I didn’t sleep over the past 6 months. I also don’t have much reason to get out of bed most mornings. The weather is terrible so it’s not like I can play outside. I just wish more than anything, I had that excitement I had as a child for mornings. I was always looking forward to the day ahead. Even if I was only going to be at home all day there would still be adventures to be had. I wish I still cared. I wish that I had cried all the times I felt sad, instead of it all happening now. I wish I knew what to do.

My Interests:Things That Make Me Happy

I have talked enough about my general struggles and challenges, let’s talk about some things that make me happy (aside from my friends because I feel like I could go on all day and night about them). It’ll be nice to talk about these things without it being for French class and being restricted with what I can say because I don’t know much French. So don’t worry this shouldn’t be too boring, I know how English works (not on Sundays).           Well, while that was probably a really poor joke it’s a good starting point. Like a lot of people in the world, I’m a fan of the Harry Potter franchise. I also like a good joke based around the series like most muggles. I remember when the last two Harry Potter books came out, my local bookshop were holding a competition to win the books for free both years when they were being released. And guess who won both of those competitions, well it wasn’t my brother ( haha, it was me). To win you had to answer this easy question about the series, so to double our chances and because we both knew the answers, me and my brother both sent in our names with the correct answers. Being one of the winners I had to take a photo both times for the local newspaper. I HATE my photo being taken, so much so that I looked so angry that I had won, I wasn’t though. My cousin got a copy of one of the photo later that week, got a pen, and drew a smile over the angry frown I had on my face. ( I actually would insert a picture but I don’t think I have one,sorry) I was 3 years old when the first movie came out, so I never went to see that or the second movie in the cinema. I did get to go see ‘Prisoner of Azkaban’ in the cinema when I was 6 ( what a mistake that was). Not only was I already afraid of the dark (like most kids are at that age) but this definitely made my fear last a whole lot longer, and made it much worse. I had nightmares about dementors for years after. I thought that every dark place was covered with dementors and that they were all coming to get me. However, that movie is my absolute favourite of the entire series. It introduces Sirius Black, Professor Lupin, and Professor Trelawney. Everything about the movie in general is amazing. From a young age I wanted to grow up to be Hermione Granger ( I succeeded with this for pretty much all of primary school, when I was great at school and was such a kill joy).
I love comedy so much. I don’t watch like stand up or anything too often, but I like funny tv shows, comedians, and youtubers. MY favourite comediennes are probably Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, and Gilda Radner. None of you probably know who Gilda Radner is. She was on the original cast of the American sketch comedy show ‘Saturday Night Live’ from 1975-1980. She married Gene Wilder in 1984 (You know, the original Willy Wonka). Unfortunately, she died in 1989 due to ovarian cancer. I just love her so much that I can’t decide which sketch to show you, so I’ll show you three four of my favourites.( You don’t have to watch them all, not everyone is going to like her).

I’ve wanted to become a comedian for as long as I can remember. It has always been one of my dream jobs. I told my friends this when I was younger and they started laughing a lot and said “You’re not that funny though”. So me wanting to be a comedian was my best, and only, successful joke. My favourite thing to do is to make people laugh (preferably not at me). The best sound in the world is somebody laughing, even if it’s one of those weird, you can hear it from miles away, laugh. I don’t know where I excel in the world of comedy, but I know I do to some small extent. I’m too nervous about getting a weird look or reaction if I did physical comedy like doing a funny dance or falling in a comedic way. I would gladly do it if I thought it would cheer up a friend but I don’t think I could do something like that funny enough. I like to think that I’m funny in a way that I say some quick little joke and it’s either really unexpected coming from quiet, ole me, or else just a good, witty joke. I think that when people get to know me, and when I’m on a roll, I am this slightly exaggerated, and overreacting character of sorts. I use loads of hand gestures when I talk.I like acting out everything.
While some of you mightn’t know this I love sports. I don’t play any right now but I love them (except for cricket, badminton, and Gaelic football). I used to play Gaelic football for the best local team ( Go Legion!). I just wasn’t really interested in playing it that much, and my aim isn’t great. I was also on the school basketball team for a term, but we never played a proper game against anyone so I got bored and quit. I’ve always loved P.E. it’s my favourite subject. I always get really involved and competitive when I play sports in P.E. Like when we played hockey I tried so hard because we hadn’t played a proper sport in ages. I hate when we do something that’s not like not a team sport I guess. Like zumba or some of the other dance things we did. Not only do I hate dancing in front of people, those dances were just embarrassing and I found them a bit sexual a times like ew no they were so uncomfortable (I refused to do most of it). Our end of year dance though was the best thing ever and I loved it, so obviously it’s those exercise dances that I hate. I do find a lot of pressure in team sports too. For most of my life in P.E. (aside from 5th and 6th year) team sports have always been kinda daunting. Not because of the sport but because of the “team”. I was always yelled at like “Why did you do that?” and “Oh my God, you’re such an idiot, just stand there and do nothing. You’re not helping”. This is the main reason I never joined a soccer team like I’ve always really wanted to do. My dad used to play soccer and Gaelic football a lot when he was younger, so he was really good at keep ups? kick ups? ( I’ll call them keep ups, you know when you keep the ball off the ground without using you hands, usually kicking it from one foot to another) So from a young age I’ve been practising that, and I’m not bad at it I like to think. I’ve had loads of time to practise, seeing as I never went out with friends extremely often. Also even though I have an older brother, I was usually forced to play by myself. So at home, and sometimes at school, I would kick or throw the ball as high and as far as I could. I would then sprint as fast I could and try and catch it (I caught it about 65% of the time). One thing that’s probably important in relation to most sports, I hate running. Like I don’t understand how people do it for fun but that’s their decision, I’m not trying to judge. If I was made to run for like a couple of minutes in P.E. I would lose the will to live, my lungs felt like they had been stabbed with a gazillion daggers. Yet if I had to run for a sport,I would be totally fine. Like I was running up and down the court for hockey and I didn’t even have to, I could have stood in one place. I think it’s because I have something interesting to be doing with a sport, besides running for no good reason. I wish we had baseball in Ireland though. I know it’s an American national sport, but I’ve always wanted to play it. It’s not the same as rounders, there’s differences.It just seems really cool, and since we don’t have it I’ve watched baseball films to get over it. My favourite movie of all time is ‘A League of Their Own’. It’s about the first women’s baseball team in the 1940s, formed because the men in baseball went on hiatus while the men went off to fight in the war. It has Geena Davis, Tom Hanks, Madonna, Lori Petty and Rosie O’ Donnell in it.

My favourite thing to do when I’m not writing, is playing a musical instrument, singing and/or listening to music. I play ukulele and guitar most days, keyboard the odd day, and then if I’m feeling a bit anxious or angry I will just get my drum sticks and hit my legs playing along to various songs. I would be willing to play the ukulele and guitar in public because I feel like I’m capable of playing them adequately enough that I won’t hurt people’s ears. I just play really simple stuff on the keyboard, and I don’t think I have the best sense of rhythm for drums so that’s disappointing for me. I will never properly sing in front of anyone ever. I will record it and change the speed so it’s different to my actual voice and doesn’t sound completely horrible. I love singing, but I will only do sing in the privacy of my bedroom. I wish I had a good voice. Maybe I could have been cast in musicals and perform on stage. If I didn’t have stage fright and bad anxiety I would love to have been in plays, because acting seems like something I’d be good at. I mean I acted like I was completely fine, not struggling at all, my entire life and hardly anyone suspected a thing.
I can’t pass down a good musical, they’re my favourite thing. I haven’t seen all of them (obviously) but I’ve liked all the ones I’ve seen. So when I got to see ‘Billy Elliott’ in London, I was in heaven. The songs, dances and humour were on point. It was the only live stage musical that I’ve seen so far, everything else has just been films. I’d say that my favourite musical films are ‘Hairspray’,’Grease’, and ‘School of Rock’. The latter is what got me interested into the music I listen to today.

Well it’s also due to video games with great soundtracks too. I like most video games(except shooter game like Halo or Call of Duty), violent ones like ‘Grand Theft Auto’ and ‘Lollipop Chainsaw’, classic games like ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ and ‘Super Mario Bros.’ My all time favourite game series though is nearly all the Tony Hawk games. I played ‘Pro skater 4’ on my cousins Play Station 1 when I was little. Then me and my brother got ‘Underground’ both 1 and 2.For my 7th birthday I got ‘American Wasteland’. These games had the best soundtracks. They had a lot of Punk songs, thus introducing ‘The Ramones’ into my life. I fell in love with skateboarding with these games too. Not because the game made it look really easy, but in some of the games it would show actual real life footage and it looked amazing. I tried so many times to skateboard myself, but any skateboard I’ve had so far has been terrible. I got one 3 Christmases ago, the wheels keep sticking and not moving too well and one of the wheels is cracked. That’s what I get though for getting a skateboard from Argos. I don’t think I’d ever be able to do tricks, but riding around on one is just as cool. I’d prefer to go around college on a skateboard then just walking around.

I’ve always been interested in cartoons my whole life. From watching ‘The Simpsons’, ‘Futurama’, ‘Rugrats’, ‘Recess’, and ‘Animaniacs’ (and so on) throughout my life has really shaped me as a person. I feel like I get a lot of humour from them, although I might not have understood all the jokes at the time.

I knew that I couldn’t draw when I was a kid, so animation was completely off the cards for me. So I turned to voice acting, another integral part in cartoon making. Voice actors often go unnoticed because their face is never seen. While you might have seen some photos on the internet and recognise a few peoples faces or names, you might be surprised to find out the voices behind some of you favourite characters. Like Tara Strong as Timmy Turner, or the iconic Mel Blanc who paved the way for voice actors, he was practically all the ‘Looney Tunes’ voices

I just find it so amazing that these people can do so much with one voice box. I’ve realized that I can’t really do voice acting either, but I still find it interesting and I know a lot about it. In fact I know a lot about all the things I’ve talked about in this blog post. Will any of them get me very far in life? No they won’t, but some of these aren’t you average everyday points of interest. So I could teach people a thing or two about something they might never have been aware of. I’ve since tried drawing again and realised that I can kinda draw. Art in first year was no help to that in any way,I would cry everyday going into that class for the double. I thought I would attempt to draw cartoon characters, if someone else was able to draw them maybe I could too. Of course, this gave me the false hope that I could do animation, there is still no way I could ever do it. I can draw and colour in these single pictures for fun, but having to draw multiple detailed pictures, I can’t do it. Also I can only draw already existing characters, I can’t make up something to draw, it just doesn’t work. Like here is an example of something I drew in 4th class.( My handwriting was really bad, I know. There is some spelling mistakes in it too)

Now here are some characters from cartoons that I’ve drawn somewhat recently.



I probably left out some things that I really love, but this is still a lot and definitely enough for this blog post(like I didn’t talk about Youtube in this at all). Sorry for the excess amounts of pictures and videos, but it’s nice to have more than just writing in a blog post.



			

Questioning My Sexuality (A Love Sto… Okay, Not A Love Story)

I really want to think about this for a bit. In light of recent coming out stories, like Ingrid Nilsen as gay, and today Shane Dawson as bisexual, I decided I would discuss my sexuality. Now I’ve see so many coming out stories, some by them just showing up in my youtube subscription box. However, I watched a lot to build up the confidence so that I could one day come out. There was one problem though, I didn’t know who I was or what I really identify as (I still don’t really). I grew up with not much knowledge about what being gay meant. My only exposure to anything that presented the topic, was ‘The Simpsons'(I will talk about this a lot so sorry if you don’t like the show). Anyway, the first episode I probably saw that included a gay character as a major part of the storyline was ‘Homer’s Phobia’ which originally was released on February 16th 1997, nearly exactly a year before I was born (coincidence? I think not!) Now while the episode didn’t really tell me what being gay was, it introduced the word “homosexual” into my vocabulary. This particular episode didn’t show what a homosexual relationship was like but as like a 4 year old, it introduced the idea to me, but not necessarily in the best way possible. Because of Homer’s naivety and lack of knowledge about being gay, he was genuinely kind of scared. His is the only case I’ve seen where it is actually a phobia. He thinks that it is some sort of disease that can be transferred onto people while spending any length of time with someone who is gay.

Once the character(John), ends up saving Homer’s life, he realises that John is just a guy just like him and helped him when he was in danger. He realised there was nothing to be scared of. There was an episode about Same-Sex Marriage, released on February 20th 2005 ( I had just turned 7) The premise of the episode exploits gay marriage, and uses it as a way to bring tourists into Springfield so that they can make a lot of money. I don’t agree with why they were doing it, but I loved the fact that everyone agreed with it almost immediately. Like Reverend Lovejoy was one of the few people who were against it, and looking back at it now, I feel like he represents the people who use religion as an excuse to hate gay people. They even made a cute little advert for their legalising of Same-Sex Marriage.

You might notice the lack of lesbian representation in both of these episodes (bar the two lesbian couples in the ad) However in that episode, Patty Bouvier (Marge’s sister) tells the family that she is a lesbian and she wants to marry her “girlfriend” Veronica ( It was actually a man who disguised himself as a woman to play in the women’s pro golf tournament) This episode actually showed couples kissing and the song was really catchy so it taught me that being gay is in fact okay.

I never thought I was gay growing up though. To be honest, it was never something I would think about. I remember my friends used to say for a while that they were ‘G.A.P.’ I don’t know why, but I think they thought that it was funny to go around saying it all the time. It means ‘Gay And Proud’. Now this would be a lovely thing to say if they were actually gay. I had to ask them whenever they said it “Like are you gay though?” and they’d be like “No, It’s just fun to announce something, it gets people’s attention if nothing else.” I truly think that they are straight, but you never know they could be bisexual or pansexual or something along those lines. I shouldn’t make assumptions about someone’s sexuality. The reason I thought I was straight was because, I felt it necessary to like boys because all my friends did and all I cared about was fitting in. If I ever had any thoughts about girls, I would never really dwell on it. I felt like it was my mind just trying to make my life difficult. I did think that my friends were pretty but that was all. When I was in like 2nd class, I rememeber singing “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt to my friend until she told me to shut up, which was almost immediately. I wasn’t singing it because I was attracted to her, it was just my way of letting her know that she was pretty. After that experience, I now find it really difficult to compliment my friends appearances just in case they think I’m flirting with them or something. Which I never would do, ever. I think they’re beautiful and amazing but I do not want to date them. I love seeing them happy with the people they are with. And those that are single, will have no trouble finding someone. Some people just need to open their damn eyes and actually see them and get to know them, they won’t regret it.

In 2012, when I was 14, I started watching a show that had a primarily female cast. None of them were in a relationship, but the internet wanted two of the female leads to be together. They had similar personalties and I started to read fanfiction (nothing inappropriate) that just gave a huge amount of reasons why they were destined for each other. I wanted to be one of the characters so much.  1. Because I loved their traits and the strength and confidence that the character had.2. I wanted to be in a relationship with the other character.

I panicked. Where the hell did these feelings come from? This was the first time since leaving my primary school friends that I searched for my own interests. I found this show and its fandom, I felt like I belonged somewhere for the first time in my life. It scared me that I was beginning to have feelings for a girl (a fictional girl, but still a girl). I didn’t take it too seriously like it was just one time where this happened, surely it meant nothing. I started to drift away from the show and back into the thing I was always really interested in, Youtube. I started watching some female comediennes- Grace Helbig and Hannah Hart. The internet also wanted them to date, and so did I.( However,Grace Helbig is painfully straight, so they never dated but they’re great friends with each other though.) Hannah Hart I think was the first openly gay Youtuber I subscribed to. She had a video series about coming out. However at that point I thought I wouldn’t be coming out ever, “I’m straight” I kept saying in my head. I found them so interesting that after that I found myself looking up other people’s coming out videos to hear the different stories. There was a lot of videos. While I was looking through these videos I found this couple Rose and Rosie. I think this was when I knew that I wasn’t straight. I wanted a relationship like them. Being with a girl just looked so much more comfortable. It seemed like the love that they had was way stronger than most straight relationships. It just seemed right.

I usually say to people, I feel like I could be bisexual. I don’t really like boys that much because of my past but I didn’t want to rule them out completely because not all boys would be like them right? I think I have now come to the conclusion that I’m not attracted to guys, definitely not sexually anyways, and more than likely not romantically either. So I’m officially coming out (again) but this time as gay . I’m a lesbian. I don’t think I’m brave like those people who made videos I’m far from that, I can’t even manage to say this out loud to people. I’m typing it out, it doesn’t show any emotion. No one can tell that I’m freaking out behind my computer screen, or that I’ve been writing this for over 6 hours trying to get the right words together.

Love has never been my strong suit. I have a really hard time believing that it is real. It’s never going to happen to the likes of me. I’ve never been kissed. Not by a guy,not by a girl, not by anyone. I know I’m only 17, I have all the time in the world to find someone. The last thing I want is a pity date. Someone’s going to see this and just think that I look really desperate. The truth is I don’t even know where to begin in the world of dating. If someone ever asked me out I would just say no out of fear. I’d be afraid that it’s just a prank and if I said yes I would just be made look like even more of a fool than I already am. What if I start dating someone and I realise that I just really don’t like them at all? I wasn’t thinking about all this stuff until recently. I didn’t want this to become a distraction during the exams so I just shut it all away until now. I don’t even want any huge gesture when it comes to a relationship. Like my ideal date is pizza and bowling. I know that’s very American but it would be way more fun than sitting in a dark cinema for two hours, not talking to each other because you just wasted a lot of money buying your tickets and probably separate popcorns that both of you are probably too nervous to even eat. I just want someone who I can have fun with, someone who’s interesting.                                                          I think that I do have an idea of what I would want my ideal girlfriend to be:                                                                   -Funny (this is mandatory)                                                                                     -Musical (I love musicians and singers more than I’d like to admit)                     -Caring ( I don’t want to date someone who acts like they don’t care, trying to be all cool. It’s not attractive.)                                                                              -Have similar interests to me (like video games, cartoons, YouTube etc.)

I think these are all pretty standard preferences. I don’t want them to be exactly the same as me, that would be boring, but there needs to be some common ground. I want someone who makes me feel safe, happy, needed, and most importantly loved. I’m not really into sappy romantic things. I’ve just always dreamt of finding someone and maybe getting married. However, standing there with all my friends and family, and their friends and family staring at us doesn’t sound too inviting. We would both hopefully be wearing beautiful white dresses (Yes, I would wear a dress. Like if I was actually going to the Debs I would wear a dress, it would be a black dress to represent how much I wouldn’t want to be there with the other two schools) The only change that this dream has had is that, that someone will probably be a girl. I don’t care that this changed. I am fucking proud of who I am. However, my family are not ready to know. I’m not ashamed or anything or trying to hide my true self but it shouldn’t really be a topic of conversation or a concern for them until I actually start dating someone. So don’t you try and explain to me why I need to tell them. I’m perfectly happy having this dirty little secret that they don’t know about.

Mental Illness: Depressive and Suicidal Tendencies. (Also Some Happy Memories Too)

No matter how small a thought or worry is, it’s still significant. If you belittle someone’s feelings, You are worsening the problem. There are so many types, They all vary in severity. I will discuss some of my issues and the mental illnesses I think I have. I know it’s easy for me to just throw around words like depression, anxiety, and paranoia. I know I should get clinically diagnosed before going on about these topics, but I won’t. Why won’t I? The better question is why should I? So people will take it seriously? (for once) Or so people can tell me that I’m fine? That there is nothing troubling me and that I’m just being a teenager. Who are they to tell me that I’m fine, I am far from it, but they don’t really care. Nobody really cares, They pretend to care most of the time. Now I’ll admit my “depression” isn’t as severe as others, However it has close ties with my anxiety and paranoia which are bad.

It all started in 3rd class. I remember always trying to spike up the front of my hair with water from the tap in the class bathroom. People laughed at me. They told me I looked stupid (which I did, they were right) On one of those days, I said and I quote, “I wish I was a boy,” you can imagine the strange looks I got for saying that in 2006 as an 8 year old girl. Before you say anything, I don’t want to be a boy now, I love being a girl. I just used to think that boys had it better. Not in relation to rights or anything like that, But I use to think only boys could have short spiked hair. That only boys could succeed in the world of sport as a career, That only boys could be strong,tall, and capable of driving well. This wasn’t really a horrible experience, the boys in my class were always at me, not just then. They constantly badgered me about how “in love” I was with my guy friend, According to the boys, apparently girls and guys couldn’t possibly be “just friends” I think I recall at some point them making fun of my excessive amount of freckles, They would call me “Freckles” (so original I know) or “Spot” as an insult. I’ve always been really sensitive to the tone of people’s voices. This might seem weird but let me explain. While people used to say genuinely mean things to me in school, it usually was nothing too terrible, But the way in which they said it would often lead to me crying, followed by them calling me a “crybaby” which I was. I still am I just hide it better now. They were trying to hurt my feelings by sometimes saying normal,nice things but in a sarcastic and/or rude tone (this is why I can’t take compliments to this day) This is the main reason that people (including friends) use to say that I wasn’t really being bullied. Both my friends and the boys who “weren’t bullying me” used to say “You take things too seriously. God can’t you take a joke.” I’m sorry but when did insulting and laughing at someone become considered a joke? Oh yeah that’s another thing, people laughing AT me is something that during my school years happened on a daily basis by everyone (even teachers) I would often go home crying and/or cry myself to sleep some days. I would cry because of how horrible my school day  had gone.

4th class has been one of my lowest points to date, I feel bad saying that because I met my American friend that year, but besides that the year was pretty bad. The boys were extra horrible to me that year so you can imagine my dismay when the teacher had me sit with loads of the boys around me with only one girl around me, my American friend. It got too much that day,so I drew a picture. I drew a train-track. I was standing on the train-track. There was a train coming at me. The boys around me were looking at me and said “what the hell are you doing drawing that, it’s weird” Well first they asked me what it was supposed to be because I couldn’t draw at all. Anyways I responded with ” maybe I don’t want to live anymore okay?” This was my first suicidal thought. I think I was 9. I think my American friend was concerned and told the teacher. I say this because later that day, or week, the teacher brought me outside the room door. She said “I was told about what you drew, you know this could be very serious. What you drew wasn’t very appropriate.” Now, I hated this teacher more than anyone. I had her in junior infants as well, she is the reason I fear teachers and authority to this day. I didn’t want to tell her the truth, if I was having problems, she didn’t deserve to know, I had friends who were there to help me (they weren’t) So I lied to her, I said to her very seriously, “I didn’t draw anything. I’m fine. There is nothing wrong.” Anyone who knows me, knows that I can’t lie for shit. I always laugh, whenever I try to lie so it’s obvious when I’m not telling the truth. So when I lied to the teacher, it was scary how I lied to her so easily. She let me go back into class and never spoke out about it again. Also, at the time, I didn’t see what the problem was with drawing, it’s not like I tried to kill myself it was just a drawing. The other girls in my class thought I was just looking for attention “Oh will you stop already, no one cares that you think you’re sad.Lighten up.” (I’m paraphrasing but not really exaggerating, like this is fairly accurate.) Another time I was thinking of committing suicide was sometime after this, like a couple of months. I was at my friends’ house.They had a bunk bed. I had a belt. While they were out of the room, I took off said belt and tied part of it to their bed above me. I tried to tie the other part around my neck. It didn’t really work. It didn’t tie well and I was a bit too tall to hang myself from their bunk bed. Also I would have felt guilty to leave them with the burden of me dying in their room. I continued to cry myself to sleep. I repressed all of my feelings as my friends didn’t care. I hated my life, myself, and most people. Yet I still loved my friends.

Secondary school wasn’t much of an improvement (for the most part) In 1st year, I started drifting apart,yet remaining friends, with my friends from primary school. By 2nd year we were strangers. The friendships shattered into a million little pieces Just like my heart did (sorry, I’m a little over-dramatic at times) When this fell apart, I went into a dark spiral of self hate (from which I have not really come out of, even though I’m completely over this ordeal) If they didn’t want to be my friends, who would? I didn’t make it much better by spending everyday listening to ‘True Friends’ by Hannah Montana on repeat. Also, I was having a horrible time at school because I was frightened of a LOT of my teachers from 1st-3rd year (my worst year of secondary school) I did still have friends but I never felt I clicked with them. They weren’t people I really hung out with outside of school. Another thing that was going on during those horrible years was that I was “bullied” while cycling to and from school. I’m still surprised I didn’t off myself in those years,but here I am. I had nothing to lose. I had lost my friends. I was scared of my teachers.People who didn’t know me hated me. I had so many suicides planned out but I was too chicken to do any of them. Being me I always took others feelings into consideration before my own. So while I didn’t feel loved (the only love I wanted was from my friends, I didn’t care about anything else) I knew my family loved me and I didn’t want to cause them any pain. because I knew that me dying would heavily impact their lives in some way.

In 5th year, any of my school friends that I actually liked talking to and got along really well with (bar one who later repeated 5th year) were doing Transition Year. I officially started 5th year with zero friends in my class. I didn’t talk to anyone in my class for a while. I was always in the T.Y. room before school and at lunch. Other than them, I was forced to be friends with a girl from our friend group who wasn’t doing T.Y.
Thank God she wasn’t in my home room.
Things went fine most of the time but I never really liked her.
She would always only make small talk like “Oh isn’t it cold today” or “Rain again”
I know this sounds a bit mean to say but she made my life hell the last 2 years
Later on in 5th year she made me stop swearing because SHE didn’t like it.
Yet she only didn’t like me swearing, our other friends could curse to their hearts content.
I started to feel really trapped, like I was suffocating.
I swear to relive stress, anger, or any emotion really,
Because of her, I was forced to pent up all my feelings even more than before.
Even if I only said ONE swear word,
She would be like “Oh bad words 😦 ”
On the day of the Awards ceremony and Dance off that year, I really started to hate her. (we’ll call her Shylock)
The teachers were dressed in the school uniforms.
I was making a joke about one of them breaking the dress code.
I said “Look she’s wearing sneakers, better send a note home”
So then Shylock scoffs and goes “Sneakers? SNEAKERS? They’re runners. Haha, stop being so American.”
“Well I’ve always said sneakers, and so has my family who are all Irish.”
Now this wasn’t the first time she commented on how I spoke, we had this same exact conversation like 2 months before.
Also I said police in a conversation once, and I nearly said cops but stopped myself before I could because I knew she would say something.
Well she also didn’t like me saying police either because “It’s too English, it’s supposed to be the Gardaí”
First of all, she’s half English herself.
Secondly, she understood what I was trying to say so I don’t see the problem.

So one reason why 5th year was actually good, despite Shylock being my shadow constantly,
I was in the same class as people who I never had classes or had only one class with before.
There was also lots of people coming into our year who did T.Y., and there was loads of them in my class.
When I first found out that T.Y.’s would be coming into our year, I was a little angry at first.
I felt like they would take over our year and make everything about themselves,
They didn’t and I got used to them being around, they were part of our year.
If anything they made our year complete.
They were all so fucking lovely and everything, I couldn’t handle it.
Like they were only in my year for 2 years,
Yet a lot of them talked to me way more than some people who were in my year the full 5 years ever did.
They’re all so talented and hilarious too.
Luckily at the beginning of 5th year, I figured out a way to avoid being “bullied” for cycling.
I stayed in school for about a half an hour after it finished, so that all the “bullies” would be gone home.
By staying after school, the girls going to study were there too while they waited for study to start.
There were 3 girls who was were always in the class-Elsie, Kadance, and Acadia.
I did have Maths and Chemistry class with Kadance but I didn’t talk to her for a long time.
I did talk to Elsie, I had English class with her.
Now I’ve known of Elsie’s existence since 2nd year, when she brought in her drum kit.(You can probably tell who Elsie is supposed to be)
Our rooms were right next to each other, and I spent all of lunch that day just looking at the drums, watching her play them and thinking “wow she’s so cool”
Ever since I was little I’ve always loved the drums, but my parents would never let me get them.
Needless to say I was kind of jealous of her,
But I also wanted to be friends with her, and I felt I never would be because I thought of her and her group of friends as the “popular crowd”.
Why would they ever talk to me?
Anyways I’m getting off track, back to 5th year.
Elsie would often talk to me after school, I wouldn’t say we were great friends with each other (not at that time anyway, we became better friends in 6th year)

Obviously it must have seemed strange to the three of them that I was staying late after school.
Most people are ready to run out the door once the final bell of the day tolls.I also was in school really early in the morning in 5th and 6th year, another tactic to avoid the “bullies”
So I was in school much longer than anyone else, except for you know the people who actually went to study.
So the three, after a few weeks, asked what my deal was, why was I always staying after school?
I told them that the boys in the Sem and Tec. had been calling me names and laughing at me whenever I cycled past them and how that went on from 1st-3rd year.
Of course, they sympathized and were like “just ignore them,they’re just a bunch of idiots”
This reassurance did help, but I can’t ignore people ever.
I have an inability to do so.
It wasn’t all smooth sailing though. There was days where I had to leave at the same time as everyone else.
Without fail I was laughed at.
I never understood the joke of a girl cycling.
I’ve since realised after all this and through interactions I’ve had with people that I am the joke.
I told a girl who was in my class who had done T.Y. about this too,
It was the only discussion I had with her that year,
We didn’t know each other, we just knew each others names, her name is Mae.
However she seemed to find my predicament sad, and she too told me to just ignore them
I know that I couldn’t really have gone around like this kid though

So I was fairly happy throughout 5th year, I liked most of my teachers (my French teacher scared me so much though)
I didn’t have anything to really worry about and my grades were good for the most part.
A week before our summer exams, I was sitting in my tutorial class in the DCG room.
I was sitting with Kadance and the teacher let everyone talk seeing as it was one of the last classes before summer.
I probably would have sat there not saying anything, being my quiet, awkward self as normal,
But Kadance recognised the bracelet I was wearing (It was a Camp Takota bracelet, it’s from a movie that some Youtubers made)
I got so excited, because most people just weren’t as interested in Youtubers as I was.
While she didn’t really watch the ones who made the movie, she knew who they were and we talked about others that we both liked.
It was the start of a beautiful friendship, and it was just by some magical chance that it started.
The summer between 5th and 6th year was brutal though.
I didn’t hang out with anyone, I was just at home all the time alone.
I went to my friends house one day, but one day out of three months isn’t a lot

6th year I would say has been my best year socially but a pretty bad year mentally and academically. (my grades have been horrendous this year)
Since I was about 14 or 15, I started to question my sexuality but even more so in 6th year.
When I went to London on the Science Trip, I saw girls holding hands and I saw one couple kissing under the Christmas lights, oh my God it was so freaking cute.
There was this guy singing opera in a restaurant and passers-by (including me) were able to watch him from a balcony surrounding the place.
He would sing operatic songs to women and throw them up a rose (it felt like the finale of The Bachelor except he had more than one rose)
I don’t know why but I really wanted a rose but he never threw one to me but I went down anyway and put money into his collection basket and he bowed to me, it wasn’t a rose but at least he acknowledged me.
So I left for a while, but I wanted to go back and try my luck again.
Except he was gone, there was different musicians there now.
They were a 4 piece band that consisted of two violinists, 1 cello player and a flautist.
The flautist was a girl. She was blonde, wore a beanie, and from what I could see she was fairly pretty.
I didn’t even know her and I had this massive crush on her. I will never forget the flautist girl.
I had crushes on other girls while in London, but I feel embarrassed about having a crush on them now, so let’s just forget about them.
I loved it there, and everyone who went on the trip was so nice.
Unfortunately, Shylock was my room-mate and I didn’t sleep the first night because of all the noise she made in her sleep.
Because of her I was falling asleep the next morning in the Planetarium, I was looking forward to it so much but I was so dead from my lack of sleep that I couldn’t enjoy it properly at all as I struggled to keep my eyes open
On one of the days there we passed by an award winning gay bar,
I said to Shylock “That looks cool, I would love to go in there”
She put her hand on her heart “What? Why?” she couldn’t believe I wanted to step foot in there.
While I was over there I got wristbands and one Harry Potter keychain, for some of the people who didn’t go on the trip.
Kadance gave me a hug when I gave her the wristband and keychain.
Now I hadn’t hugged someone for I’d say like a good 4 years.
I didn’t hate hugs. In fact I love them, I just hate initiating them.

In December, the week before the Christmas holidays, I became friends with Sakura.
We texted each other all the time over the holidays, I even went to her house for a day.
I was so happy but with happiness there is always a price to pay.
While I loved having like a best friend again, someone who I talked with and laughed with all the time, I started to become really stressed with school work with the pre Leaving Cert exams starting on my birthday at the beginning of February.
I was getting really stressed out with English, It’s always caused me so much grief because I want every piece of writing I do to be excellent which takes me days to write because I procrastinate a lot with writing.
I spent so much time on English that I neglected my other subjects.
Everything got too much and I started crying all the time doing my homework.
I felt guilty going to sleep because I never had all my homework finished, I had to get up early in the mornings trying to finish it.

I started harming myself a lot from January to April, and then the odd time during May and June.
Now I wasn’t cutting myself because, like suicide, I was too chicken for that.
Instead I saw a video that said people would flick their wrists with rubber bands to stop cutting themselves.
I did this but found that it just wasn’t enough, it didn’t hurt just pulling it a tiny bit.
So I would have the rubber band around my wrist, and I would pull it out really far so that it would hurt me so much more.
I needed to do it, I deserved it. I wasn’t doing school work when I was supposed to. I felt really guilty but I still couldn’t get the work done.
The rubber band would create a red line on my arm. It would swell and start to sting really bad. The lines went all up my arm, I would do it on 1-4 parts of my arm at one time.(Depending on how horrible I was feeling) The lines would last for a couple of days.
My Mom saw the lines a couple of times, I told her I just scratched my arm and they just appeared (LIES!) I wore long sleeved tops at home after that.
My friend in 5th year also noticed my marks, only four days after I started, and she broke my first rubber band and told me to stop.
It wasn’t that simple, I had to keep doing it (At least until the exams were all over)
I would harm myself with the rubber bands in school during lunch, between classes, even during classes. (I had to refrain from making any noises of pain, in case somebody noticed,they didn’t)
Not only would I harm myself when I didn’t do school work, I also did it when I said or did something embarrassing (which happened a lot)
When I was in school I even had my sleeves rolled up all of the time, yet I managed to keep it hidden from a lot of people.
Eventually I had become accustomed to the pain of the rubber bands.
So while I kept using them, I was looking for some alternatives.
While I was doing my homework, I would slap myself across the face as hard as I could.
I gave up on this after a couple of weeks because I was nervous of knocking my teeth out.
I started to do a form or cutting. I didn’t use a blade, like a knife or a scissors.
I used my fingernails to make scratches on my left hand, until it started to bleed(I still have little scars on my hand)
My excuse for these marks that I gave my Mom was that I cut it off the corner of my French folder because it was sharp, and I had actually done that a couple of weeks before accidentally.

Things started looking up in May.
We had our Graduation Mass, and everyone was all dressed up in wonderful dresses (I wasn’t in a dress, fuck that) of course that was after we changed out of our uniforms.
I wore make up for the first time that night.
Mae was the first person who saw me when I arrived at the church and said I looked lovely.
I then went over to some of my friends-Elsie and Sakura
They couldn’t really believe that I wore make-up.
Elsie said I was beautiful, while I still don’t believe that to be true I repeated it over an over in my mind for the entire night.
It wasn’t the fact that she said it, it was being told that I was beautiful by someone who was a friend, so I knew that they weren’t just saying it to be nice, but they were trying to be sincere and honest.
The night itself went really well, and I talked to loads of people.
While everyone at my table was gone taking pictures, I was sitting alone for a bit.
So at three different times 3 people from my English class, sat next to me and talked to me for a couple of minutes.
Everyone had started to notice me and talk to me in the past month, and they all wanted to just make sure I was okay.
A couple days after, everyone had started talking about the upcoming Same-Sex Marriage Referendum
I came out to Sakura as Questioning in February, or around then, and my 5th year friend in like the first week of May.
However on May 17th 2015, as a comment on a No campaigners Facebook post, I came out to my entire year.
The response I got from that was completely unexpected. I got so many nice messages, and supportive comments.
Everyone then really knew who I was. It was weird to feel accepted not just for my sexuality, but for everything else about me too.
The next day in school I got 2 high fives and a cookie, because I came out.
I felt like I was one of the popular girls, along with the other people who weren’t straight in my class because they stood up against the No campaigner and came out too, people seem to forget that they came out. I kinda stole their thunder on that one. Sorry you guys.
With the lesbians being popular it felt like I was in the high school from Faking It (It’s a MTV show where those who are typically seen as the outcasts (i.e. the nerds, gays and lesbians) pretty much rule the school.)
The last day of school (technically) for us as 6th years, was the most amazing, yet nerve-racking, day of my life.
We were all signing each other’s yearbooks, I tried to write really honestly and nicely about the person whose yearbook I was writing in.
I received such heart warming messages that I got emotional reading them.
I try not to read them too often or I’ll get a massive ego.
I was called things like “generous,” “inspirational,”cutest person ever” and most importantly ” a good friend”
That last one makes me feel so accomplished as a human being (well being called cute was great too)
Later that day, in the afternoon, I had to read a poem that I wrote about my time at the school, in front of all the students and teachers.
While all the 6th years were being so encouraging cheering me on,
I was nervous as fuck.
My knees were buckling, my voice was shaking a little.
I was having major heart palpitations.
The reason I decided to read the poem, is because I wanted to have the right parts emphasised and particular emotion in the certain sections.
Like my plea for people to go vote in the Referendum, which was on that day.
I tried my best to make it funny and I got one big laugh in one part, which was what I was hoping for.
Once I read the last line, they all applauded and cheered, and I ran to the back of the group of sixth years.
I was too nervous to stay out in front of everyone for longer than I had to.
Like there is such thing as too much attention.
During the study week, I had great conversations with Mae. Even though on our last official day we had this big emotional goodbye.
She was telling me that she had friend troubles in the past. That while she may seem happy all the time she’s not.
I had another friend tell me too that they have confidence issues sometimes.
Now everything is fairly okay at the moment except I’ve had some dark days since the Leaving Cert ended, which is the inspiration for these blog posts.
I did have suicidal thoughts during the last of exams too but I’m doing good again.
I would like to thank everyone for all they’ve done to help and support me over the past couple of months.