Hugs: Do I Find Them Awkward?

Right so I know that this is a weird topic to write a blog post about but I just love hugs okay. I haven’t always liked hugs though. When I was a child whenever my friends would try to hug me I would either stand there motionless and not hug back just waiting for it to be over, or more commonly I would push them off immediately. I started doing this because I found hugs uncomfortable and weird. However, very quickly my friends seemed to find it funny like they would laugh every time I pushed them off. I love making people laugh, it’s just my absolute favourite thing, so I just kept doing it and never letting them hug me, I just kept pushing them away.

On the day of my Confirmation, I actually willingly hugged one of my friends before we left the church to go spend the day with our families. That was on a Friday. So when we got into school on the Monday, I think I hugged them when I got there but I definitely hugged them before I went home after school. I started hugging them everyday after school, but by Wednesday they stopped hugging back. I hugged one of them and another friend was there as well. They both looked at me and said “What are you doing?” I got really embarrassed and said “Uhh nothing, I’ll see you guys tomorrow. Bye.” I practically ran out of the classroom. I then decided it would be best not to hug anyone ever again. This personal ban on hugs lasted for another 4 and a half years I think.

I never wanted to hug anyone again after that because I feared the awkwardness of it and people thinking I’m weird. The thing is though, I needed a hug. Had I hugged people more, maybe I wouldn’t be as depressed. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone. Maybe I wouldn’t have wanted to end my own life on numerous occasions. Okay, that’s all a little extreme hugs are not that powerful, or so you might think. After that incident I didn’t try to hug anyone but also no one tried to hug me. The first hug to break this no hug streak was when I came back from our schools’ London Science Trip. I had a wristband and a Harry Potter key-chain that I had brought back for my friend who didn’t go and she hugged me when I gave them to her. I hugged back but it was weak. I was weak. This was in the morning so we both had our separate classes to go to, I had Physics, she had Spanish. On the walk to Physics, I was kinda freaking out. “Why did she hug me? Is she going to laugh away about this to her other friends? God I’m fat, it probably felt like she was hugging a big puffy marshmallow. Humans aren’t supposed to be marshmallows!!” I thought all of this on, what felt like, a quick walk to the other side of the school. On the outside, I probably looked unfazed just my normal frowning self. On the inside, I was crying and screaming and pointing out all my insecurities mostly regarding my weight. However, I then smirked and thought “She hugged me. That was a hug. It wasn’t awkward. It was actually a nice feeling. Someone actually wanted to hug me. You’re still fat though.” This hug would’ve been the first week of December in 2014, my last hug before that was maybe the last week of March in 2010. I got 2 more hugs later that month when I gave everyone in my class, and a few others in different classes Christmas cards. One was by that same friend, I didn’t freak out that time. I was just really excited that she hugged me again. The other one was from a girl I had developed a crush on while we were in London. I later found out that she’s a massive homophobe, so I really know how the pick the ladies don’t I?

I think the next time I hugged someone was in May. I had no problem waiting for it because I knew what was ahead. On the last day of school for 6th years, we have awards and a dance off against teachers which ends in a sad song where we all form a circle together, which was actually fairly awkward. Anyways after the circle, usually everyone says their goodbyes and starts crying and hugging everyone else. I knew that on that day you can hug anyone and everyone and it wouldn’t be weird. I hugged a lot of my friends who up until that point I hadn’t hugged once, I hadn’t even high fived most of them. Me and physical contact had (still have) a barely existent relationship. I was hugging one of them for a really long time, it didn’t help that I also had a crush on her like my heart was beating so fast I thought it would explode. We had this big emotional goodbye even though we would be seeing each other the next week in supervised study. The 1st friend who hugged me was having a party on the Friday of that week, so I hugged a couple people that day at the party.

Before I go on, I know that it’s weird that I can remember all the times I’ve been hugged in the last year, but I think that for someone like me a hug isn’t just something small, it’s insanely powerful. Okay so I didn’t really hug anyone again until the Debs which was on in the 2nd week of August and that was mostly because no had seen me in a long time and also I had actually showed up in a dress. I went for a meal with my friends in September, the week or two before my college orientation. We all hugged after the meal because we didn’t know when was the next time we would see each other. The answer being for most of them not for another 6 weeks. I have seen most of them in passing but I was only talking to them for a couple of minutes. I’m going to one of their houses for Halloween tomorrow and I am beyond excited.

I was working as a volunteer recently with the Kerry Film Festival and some of the people from the older years in my course were there too. So on Saturday night we had to block off one of the roads for an Open Air Cinema thing and there was two parts where to road was blocked off, so sometimes I was with one of the girls from 3rd year of my course and other times I was at one of the bollards and she was gone down to the other bollard up the road. The road had gotten kinda quite so I decided to sit on the bollard and face the screen, I was alone at the that point the girl I was with was at the other bollard for a while and I didn’t think she would be back for ages. So I was looking at the screen with my back to the road totally minding my own business when all of a sudden I feel someone grab me and quickly shout. I jumped forward and turned around to see that the 3rd year girl had returned, and was laughing so loudly because she succeeded in scaring me. I just kept repeating ” I hate you” over and over again to her. She had eventually finished laughing and I said “I hate you” one last time in sort of a quieter voice than before. She ruffled my beanie (it would’ve been my hair but it was cold out I needed a hat), and she hugged me, it was only a quick hug as a gesture to say she was sorry. She later gave me an Aldi brand knock-off version of Red Bull and all was forgiven.

I was up in Limerick on Wednesday to visit probably my best friend, because she just turned 18 and that needed to be celebrated. I say probably my best friend, because best friends is a two sided agreement, unless both parties agree you’re still only friends. Anyways I got up at 7:30am, during my mid term break, just so I could get an early bus up to UL. I nearly didn’t want to get out of bed, I was nervous about the day ahead. What if she didn’t really want to see me? What if she’d rather be with her college friends? I pushed those nerves aside and got up and got dressed. I was too nervous and sort of in a rush so I didn’t have breakfast, I just had a cup of coffee which usually does me fine for normal days when I’m just going to college. I think that being filled with nerves and being on a bus for 2 hours instead of 45 minutes, is what made me feel really nauseous which I never feel in a moving vehicle ever. I usually find car rides and bus journeys to be really relaxing, this one was not despite the lovely leather seats and spacious interior of the bus. I eventually got to the college, where I started doing some of my own college work while I waited for her to finish her classes for the day. When we met up we went for lunch in one of the many places to get food in UL. This was the first time I had been up there since starting in Tralee and by God do we need to improve in a lot of ways. We then went into their students union and they had a room full of pool tables, you know like that table thing in IT Tralee’s R-Block that’s been fucking broken since like week 3. They had a room full of comfortable chairs which also had an air hockey table and a foosball table. In Tralee, we have one uber comfortable leather couch with a couple other mediocre couches nearby. There was also a games room that the games society were in. They had 3 big TV’s and had a load of consoles like a PlayStation 4 and a Wii U. They also had a press full of games and gaming accessories like pedals for racing games. Had it not been completely filled to capacity with boys I would’ve been in heaven. Either way this was also a bit of a contrast to Tralee’s SU room that yes does has a PlayStation 4 but only has Fifa 16 and a not so big TV really high up on the wall, with the PS4 also being really high up in just such an awkward place. I love my college don’t get me wrong, but they could do a little more really.

So while we were in the SU building in her college, we were in the pool table room and we played a couple of games. I didn’t really like it in there and there was people she was friends with from her course in there so I knew it would be rude of me to ask to leave. We were waiting for a call from her brother because he had the keys to her place. We eventually got the call. Not only did I want to just get out of the SU building but I had also noticed something about her that I wanted to talk to her about in private because it was/is a serious matter. So we got to her place but I didn’t bring up that matter yet. I had not one but 2 birthday cards to give her, as I couldn’t decided what one I wanted to give her and also I had a lot to write in them because I love to write (You can probably already tell from this extra long blog post that I can’t stop writing). One card had “18” on the front, so I wrote in it about all the things she can do now that she’s 18. The 2nd card was purple with a cupcake on it. This one I wrote more about our friendship, like we’ve only been friends for 10 months. I wrote a short list of a lot of our memories and that there was more memories to come, which I know sounds really gay and I wrote in the card that it was very gay. I also ended it with saying that I loved her, which I’ve never said to her before, and technically still haven’t because that was only written. The thing is though I do love her and as best friends go I wouldn’t want anyone else (sorry to any of my other friends who will read this and I know that she probably won’t read this). So after the cupcake card I pulled out two boxes of homemade cupcakes that I made for her birthday. We each had one, and when she had started a 2nd one I brought up the serious topic. Now I didn’t make the conversation too serious or anything because I didn’t want her to feel like I was angry or disappointed in her because I wasn’t. I just wanted to know what was wrong. She purposely stuffed half the cupcake in her mouth so she wouldn’t have to talk about it. The conversation didn’t get sad, it was very light-hearted but if I hadn’t brought it up, I wouldn’t have been able to sleep at night. On a lighter note, later on we went out to one of the on-campus bars to go for drinks with her friends. I’ve never drank before but I thought what better time to try some drinks than being with my friend. She was having Fosters because it was cheap, I had two sips of it in the 2-ish hours I was there and I didn’t like it at all. Her friend had Cider and I’d say I had about 6 or 7 sips of it because I really did like it. I didn’t have like a full drink myself or anything, because I did have to get a bus home that night. In the pub, Liverpool was playing on TV which was great because I love watching soccer and also they won. The bus was picking me up just a little bit away from that pub, so my friend walked me over there 5 minutes before it was about to arrive and she said she would give me a hug before I left. So we talked while waiting for the bus, which was late, for a couple of minutes. When it arrived we hugged for a long time. Since starting college I’ve needed a hug, more than I’ve needed coffee in the mornings. So I did not want the hug to end. I felt her sort of let go after like a normal amount of time, but I wasn’t ready to let go. So I think when she noticed this she actually hugged me even tighter than before because she knew I wasn’t going to let go. I let go eventually just to make sure the bus didn’t go away without me, and we both said goodbye. We are both seeing each other tomorrow but we hadn’t seen each other in so long that the hug was making up for all of that lost time.

That last hug is the reason I wanted to write this blog post. I told my friend on the way over to the pub that I’ve needed a hug for at least 6 weeks but there was no one there to give me one. She didn’t know I felt this way, she thought I had said before that I didn’t like hugs, otherwise she would’ve hugged me when I gave her the birthday cards. I had said something like that before but I was more saying that from past experiences I find it difficult to initiate hugs, I get too anxious, but that didn’t mean I didn’t like hugs.

Mental Illness Take 4:World Mental Health Day

So I just found out that October 10th (today, Saturday) is National World Health Day. While I have a lot of college work I need to be doing, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to work as I feel the need to write something about this today of all days. I know that I would have been distracted from my work had I not done this first.

Okay so, I guess I should give an update on how I’m feeling right now and have been since my last mental illness blog which I remember being a bit dark. That was 2 months ago and I have made it through my first month of college, which is crazy to think about. Surprisingly enough, I’ve actually been good, not amazing but good nonetheless. I have had some days where my anxiety was really bad and I just wanted to hide away, which is very hard to do in college because there is people everywhere. It’s days like that when I thank my lucky stars that I didn’t go to one of the bigger colleges. I like being in a college where there is less likely to be a constant huge stampede of people getting from class to class. I think this smaller number too also helps make the societies feel like more of a community, like a place to belong. I have joined 3 music, radio, and TV & film. I’ve never been to a music soc. meeting yet because of soccer, but I hope to get to one eventually. I’ve been to the other 2 societies meetings. Not much has happened yet with the TV and film so I’ll just tell you how the radio soc. is going.

First of all, on Wednesday when I was nearing the end of one of my 2 hour classes, which I was in a computer lab for, there was a power cut. All of the PC’s shut off. The teacher looked over at the other rooms as well and all the PC’s in there were gone off too, so it wasn’t just us. All the lights had gone out, but it was during the day so it was fine. I went down to the canteen to get something to eat before the radio soc. meeting and all of their heaters and cookers and stuff were all without power as well. So while the food was still hot, it wouldn’t be for too long. So I got my roll, and went over to the radio studio. The meeting was at 1 and there is usually a radio show from 1-2, obviously due to the circumstances there wasn’t a radio show. Since there wasn’t a show we had our meeting in the radio studio. We were all piled in there waiting to hear from the two radio soc chair-people. They told us what would be happening with the society and what us 1st years would be doing. We have to sit in on shows for the next 3 weeks to learn how to use the radio control panel and stuff. So they asked us what kind of shows did we want to sit in on i.e. talk shows, sports show, chart music shows, indie music shows etc. Nobody wanted to do the talk one, I really like talk radio but I wouldn’t know what to say and it would’ve been an awkward experience. So I got assigned to be on the show that the two chair-people do. I’m excited but also a bit nervous about it. After the meeting all the first years, except for me and another girl from my course, left. The people who were already members were still around too. They were all going to McDonald’s and invited us to go along. So one of the chair-people drove us there and we met up with other radio soc people. The guy who invited us along, the other girl from my class and me sat at our own table because the big double table was full. So we were just talking for a while and other people showed up later. It was so nice to be there though because it felt like I was a part of something. At one point, the guy was taking pictures and tried to get one of me but I blocked his attempts and said ” I’ve had years of practise at this.” To which I noticed a girl I like who had come over to our table for a minute smile/laugh a little. It wasn’t in a mean way, I think it was because my attempts to block the camera were sort of childish and exaggerated. However, the thought came into my head about what I would say if they asked me, why had I years of practice. The response that I had come up with in my head, because nobody did ask me, was “Because I hate my face.” Which is true. It’s the reason why I been on the borderline of having an eating disorder. With that in mind actually I went 12 hours on Thursday without having anything to eat. I have been doing good for the most part though. I’ve been having breakfast most mornings and I have been buying food at college.

Anyways back to the mental health stuff. I have been doing better in a lot of ways since entering college but not necessarily in other ways. My social anxiety as been bad on a couple of days, you know with meeting new people and being afraid to say anything in case it’s the wrong thing to say in front of people you don’t even know yet. I have been really paranoid though, that’s probably my worst problem at the moment. Seeing as though I don’t know these people, I feel like they are studying me. They are trying to decide whether or not they like me. There is people who I haven’t had much interaction with but I see around college a lot. I can’t rid myself of the feeling that they have begun to think that they see me around every corner, like I’m following them around or something but I swear to you I’m not. I walk to and from classes, I walk to the canteen/shop, and then other than that I walk around to kill time or sit waiting outside my next class because I have nowhere else to really go. It’s not like I live near my college or even in the same town my college is in. I have to hang around. Yeah I do work during this time sometimes, but other times I just want a break. Also being in college, I’m starting over again which in relation to this isn’t good. I can’t really bring this up in conversation that I have any sort of mental illness. Before you say anything, I wouldn’t be doing it for attention. It’s just that I have certain tendencies, like the way I act, what I say, and/or sometimes when I just sit there and don’t say one word. They are going to start thinking sooner or later that I just not someone they want to be associated with but the way I act isn’t my fault all the time, I can’t help it. It’s too early for me to say anything because I barely know any of them yet. Also, there is a stigma around anything to do with mental illness and eating disorders. This stigma being, they’re will think I’m a freak, or crazy. Even though, it does affect a lot of my actions and habits, I’m better at hiding it in front of people than one might think. Usually, it’s when I’m by myself at college or at home, that it is at it;s worst. I haven’t cried in college once yet. That in itself is a huge accomplishment. I don’t think I stand out that much from anyone else in college, I think I act pretty normally to be fair. I might just get a bit quiet but other than that, normal. Like I don’t think anyone hates me yet, so I must be doing something right. I do think that World Mental Health Day is important, to remove the unnecessary stigma. While my mental illnesses are bumps in the road, and social obstacles at times, at the end of the day my personality will prevail. Those who give up on me won’t be able to see that I was here all along just trying to break away from a mental issue as quickly as I can. Those who stick around, must have been able to see though it and have somehow, somewhere found me someone worth sticking around for. Whenever I talk to people in college and I get to say “oh yeah my friend back home…” I get so happy that I get to say that. I have said this a couple of times now and each time it’s been a different friend. I have friends. I HAVE friends. Not I had, I have. Sure we don’t talk every single day but I know that they’re there if and when I need to talk to them. Just knowing that is enough to get me through the day sometimes. There is other things that help me through the day, and help to overcome my really anxious days but I feel like that’s the main reason. Also just so I don’t leave it out, I haven’t really had any spouts of depression so that’s a success because that takes a lot of me whenever I feel depressed. I’m sure no one wants to be around me when I’m like that.

College Log: Weeks 2-3

I am writing this in the midst of the first societies night of the year. I’m not in these couple of societies that are here tonight but everyone is allowed to go to this. Besides, I’m just after my second ever soccer training which went surprisingly well let me tell you about it. Okay so I should probably start with the first soccer training. It went horribly. I was out of breathe and had to stop half way through the running exercises, and I was really slow both running and reacting. Today, however, was different. While I did struggle to do the running and while I was still really fucking slow, I actually didn’t really stop this time. We played a game and I was playing kind of shit at the start. I was put defending which I knew I’d be bad at. I then had to switch with the goalkeeper because everyone had to have a chance at playing in different positions. I saved one and it hurt my wrist so much but either way I didn’t care because I had made a save. Later on I made a really cool volley kick, I didn’t score but it did look really impressive. Then I actually did score a goal a bit after that with my left leg.

Author’s Note: I got to here before the pizza arrived at the games night, so I’ll just continue this in the past tense.

Okay so you may remember me going on about this girl I like at college about 2 blog posts ago. Well she was at the games night. I walked in after my soccer practise and sat on my own near and went on my phone. I was only sitting there for like 2 minutes before she came over and asked did I want to join in on any of the activities of which there was two, video game society and manga,anime,+board games society(M.A.G. soc). I asked her what the video game soc were doing, although I could obviously see what they were doing. She said they were playing some shooting game on Xbox 360. As with practically all video games it was 2 player and there 2 guys playing it already, so I told her that nah I was fine not doing that. She then asked did I want to join the M.A.G. soc and I had no idea what they were playing so she said they were playing a kind of card game, she didn’t really know what they were doing to be honest. I said no I was fine. She goes “ah you should go over there and check it out.” Again I refused. Then she goes “Are you sure?” and we legit have a staring contest for a full minute. Then she kinda smiled and said if I didn’t join in I couldn’t get free pizza so of course I broke and went “Fine! I’ll go over there and have a look I guess.” I rolled my eyes picked up my bags, and she walked me over to the M.A.G. soc’s table. She told that they thought her how to play ninja, a game I actually knew about. So we get to the table anyways and she gets them to introduce and explain the game. Not even a couple of seconds into the game I realize it’s Cards Against Humanity. There was a guy who was finished playing so I pulled up a chair and started playing. All my answers were really bad. Not bad like inappropriate because that would have won me the game, I mean bad as in they didn’t make sense and they weren’t funny. I had to ask the question for one of the rounds. Usually you either get a question or you get a fill in a blank in a sentence. The question they had to answer for my round was “What’s that smell?” Whenever it’s a fill in the blank, they read it out every time with the next players word, so that you can see which player had the most fitting/funniest word for the sentence. Since mine was a question I didn’t feel like I had to keep reading it out. So I just started reading the answers and the main dude was like “You’re supposed to read out the question every time.” I told him that they knew the question I had no reason to keep reading it out over and over again. The only other girl in the group said that I was really sarcastic and she liked it. Also that girl was wearing cat ears (this adds nothing to the story I just thought it was worth mentioning.) There was 2 boys from my course there that night too. One I talk to a lot, the other is his roommate who seems cool enough. Anyways I was sat down on one of the couches eating my slice of pizza when it eventually arrived, and the one I talk to a lot sat next to me and we talked until it was time to leave which was about 10-15 minutes later. While we were sat there talking that girl came over to us again because she knew the guy I was talking to and I said to her “Hey, I participated” and she goes “Well your a good woman, and you got pizza out of it anyways that’s what matters.” She smiled and that was our encounter finished. I walked with my friend and his roommate out of the school and their house was in the direction I had to walk towards the bus station. However when it got to the point where they were to cross to their house, my friend said he’d walk me to the bus station. I told him he didn’t have to because it’s pretty far down the road. Either way he walked me down, and we talked a lot, he even waited with me when we got down there until the bus had actually shown up and I had gotten on it. Whoever said chivalry is dead hasn’t meet this guy, his girlfriend is a lucky lady. That was in week 2, now last week was week 3 and a lot happened. On Monday, I had my 1st Radio Society meeting which was mostly an introduction. I thought it would only be a short thing and that I would be able to leave because I had soccer practise at the same time the meeting was on, but I never got to go because the meeting lasted a good hour. We had only been notified about the meeting about an hour and a half before it, so I had all my soccer gear with me. I wouldn’t have been as angry if I had know about it more in advance so I wouldn’t have brought my soccer bag with me. Still with the intention of going to soccer, I did not consume any mere morsel of the free pizza that was provided. That was about quarter past 6 or something and I had only 2 slices of toast and a slice of cheese for breakfast, and half a wrap for lunch. You could say I was pretty hungry. The meeting was on until about 7-ish and there was about a half an hour of soccer left but by the time it would’ve taken me to get to the pitch and put my boots on and stuff it would have been pointless. So I had to stay in school then until around 9 and then I would walk down to get my bus at 20 to 10. In the meantime, while I waited I had the other half of my wrap. When I was getting on the bus, the lady said that there was going to be a delay because there was a three car collision so we had to take a detour. It was an extra half an hour before I got back home. I had to meet up with my mom then who was nearly finished work, so I had to stay there for about another 20 minutes waiting for her to finish setting tables and stuff. There wasn’t anywhere open that I wanted food from and when we went home I was too tired to eat so I just went to bed a passed out. Well it took longer than expected to fall asleep because I had this huge grin on my face just thinking about the interaction I had with the girl I like earlier. I couldn’t sleep because I was smiling too much because I talked to a beautiful girl. That is probably one of the gayest things ever. On Wednesday, I knew I had to go to soccer because I couldn’t miss another practise. Unfortunately, there was another society meeting during it. However, this time, it was for the LGBT+ society, which I wanted to join for months, ever since hearing that colleges have them as a society. I had class finish at 3 and the girl I like had her radio show after that, so I listened to it. She talked about the LGBT+ society and how next week she wanted to get them watching a movie and she wanted it to be Mean Girls. I had really had to go to soccer. So when I finished listening to the radio show, I went downstairs walking up and down the halls to kill time beforehand. I passed by the radio studio 3 times in the space of 15 minutes. Every single time she was either going in or coming out of the radio studio. She probably thinks I’m stalking her at this point. (I’m not by the way!) I feel like she’s beginning to notice that she’s seeing me everywhere. Anyways, the 3rd time, I plucked up the courage to actually talk to her and ask if there was anyway I could sign up for the LGBT+ early and then head off to football. I assumed it was only for the 1st meeting they would be meeting at that time because other societies had introduction meetings at that time too. She did inform me thought that they would be meeting at that time every week. So I just said I wouldn’t sign up then. She said if anything changes she’d let me know. I did tell her before I left that if they were a vote short for Mean Girls that I would vote for that too, and she smiled and kinda laughed a little and said ” Yeah Mean Girls is going to win.” Before I walked away to go to soccer she was like “Have fun at soccer!” So I turned back to her and rolled my eyes and went “Oh, I will.” It was sort of in a sarcastic tone, and the Radio Society are full of sarcastic people and she smiled at me again anyways.

Thursday morning, I was in school at about 20 to 9. I was in the seating area of the S-Block near the R-Block and the shop, both which broadcast the school’s radio. So I was listening to the radio show for the boy from 2nd year of my course that introduced himself to us in the 1st week. I got really excited because he played Abba and then faded into Johnny Cash, and I love both of them. His show ended at 9 and he walked over to where I was sitting, and also at another table, a girl from my course was sitting. He said hi to both of us and I nearly was like a fangirl being like ” Was that you just on the radio?” and he goes “Yeah, it was.” For real I replied really excitedly like ” Oh my god, it was so good. You had Abba AND Johnny Cash!!” It was kind of embarrassing thinking about it later on. He said there was a technical difficulty that meant he couldn’t use the microphone so all he could do was play music. He then brought me and the girl from my course into the radio studio and introduced us to how all the set up worked. It was really interesting but I feel like I’ve forgotten it all again. We stayed in there with him talking for an hour. At one point we were showing each other pictures of our friends to prove that we had hot and/or pretty friends. Well I wasn’t doing that but it’s not that my friends aren’t pretty, they’re beautiful without a doubt, it’s just my phone is barely functioning at the moment . I did make it know of that though and I swore I have pretty friends. When we had to leave for our class at 10, the guy asked would we just stay there with him for another hour because he didn’t have class until 11 but we had to go. Also during our conversation, obviously during showing each other pictures of our attractive friends, both guys and girls, I made some comments regarding sexuality and liking girls. I did this to the point, it wasn’t that much, but the guy asked me about my sexuality. I’ve since realized that I’m currently back to questioning my sexuality, which is annoying. I’m still calling myself gay though because I like using it as an umbrella term. This was the first time I gave someone my current answer in relation to sexuality, ” I like girls definitely, but I’m not sure about guys. They are confusing at the moment.” To which the girl from my course responded that they are confusing all the time.