Compliments

I’ve never been able to take a compliment whether it’s about my ability to do something, my personality, or, more than anything, my appearance. I have never been, nor ever will be the pretty girl. In primary school, I was a laughing stock amongst all the boys in my class, they wouldn’t touch me with a ten inch pole. Secondary school, was probably even worse. I got laughed at going to and from school because I cycled, I still don’t get what was so funny so I’ve made my own assumptions. I’m ugly as fuck. I have no features that could attract someone in anyway. I’m also fat, but no matter how much I starve myself and go to soccer practice I still can’t lose weight.

I only started wearing make up in May of this year and even with that I don’t wear it that often. I used to be really against make up. I thought it made people look fake, why couldn’t they be happy with how they looked naturally. I know that’s hypocritical but just because I feel a bit better wearing make up around people I like, it doesn’t mean I’m happy with how I look. Since coming to college, I haven’t been really laughed at or made fun of openly about my looks. However, that doesn’t mean I think any compliment I’ve received is completely honest. Not all of them just some from the first couple of weeks. Recently, I’ve had a lot of compliments. On Monday during the day at college before the bus incident, I was having a great day. My friend said that my hoodie was nice even when I said “oh no it’s really old I’ve had it for years”, she still said it was nice and that I looked pretty. I wasn’t even wearing make-up apart from some eyeliner and mascara. She then was like “have you done something with your hair?” She was the first person to notice my haircut even if it wasn’t straight away. For the first time in like ever I actually felt good after hearing that, I still didn’t think I was pretty but that’s not important here. We were in the Radio studio and one of her classmates was outside the studio and she was yelling at her outside to come into the studio and give her a hug, but it didn’t seem like they were coming in. So since I was standing beside my friend she was like “Sandra come here, you give me a hug instead.” So I hugged her and I immediately just felt so happy. Also she gives great hugs. Later on that day too, I got a kiss on the cheek from one of my classmates, talk about the highlight of my day.

I started writing this blog over a week ago, so some of this is old news. That doesn’t mean the feelings have disappeared or even diminished. I still think about all the compliments I got that week, because I got a lot, and in a way they make me feel really happy. I even tried taking a selfie today to maybe try and actually have a Facebook profile picture of my face for once like people will see who I am from the get go and not be like “oh she’s not the pretty one in the photo, she’s the other girl.” I didn’t take many because I couldn’t find a reason to try and get a good photo. I’ve lived with this face for 17 years and I’m still not used to it. I still don’t like it. I’m afraid I will never like it. I know nothing about relationships but from what I’ve heard you need to learn how to love yourself before others are really going to love you. So if I never learn to love myself, will I be alone forever?  Well with that attitude, of course I will no doubt about it. Negative attitudes just bring about more negativity in someone’s life and I should know because I’ve been like this as long as I can remember and it has in fact driven people away. It’s why it takes me so long to make friends, I can’t see why they would like someone like me.

I was on the phone to one of my friends nearly two weeks ago and it was the first time I really talked to her since I started college. She asked me “So tell me about your friends at college.” I told her “Well I don’t know if I really have any friends, there is people I talk to more than others but…” She cut me off before I could finish the sentence saying “Those are friends. That’s what friends are Sandra.” We continued our conversation, but I’ve kept thinking a lot about this even two weeks on. What is so wrong with me that I’m afraid to call people my friends? First and foremost, it is my fear of rejection. I also really hate awkward tension, and I know that if I was rejected by someone there would be a lot of awkwardness between us. Another reason being is that I’ve always taken friendships incredibly serious. I really don’t want to fuck it up (again). I’ve written before about how for the last few years I’ve felt really lonely, and how I didn’t really fit in, and blah,blah,blah. I’ve talked about it enough there is only so much pity people will feel for me, and I have to stop this repetitive, sadistic, theme involving how I used to lack strong relationships with people. Not that I like pity, I fucking hate it, but the more I keep going on about it the more pathetic I’m going to sound. However, it links to this quite a bit, and also I would like these next 4 years to be as amazing as I can possibly make them. Therefore, if I remember how things used to be it will motivate me more to distance myself from who I was back then. It’s been about a year since I started to become closer friends with the people I can’t imagine my life without now. I just love them, and if you say anything bad about any of them I will proceed to punch you in the face okay? I mean if you saw them, you would see why I have such major body insecurities. All my friends are beautiful, like even when they’re not trying. Like in secondary school, nobody really tries too much. Some days you might look a wreck but you’re in school so there’s no need or point in trying to hide that you are in fact tired and are not in any mood to paint on a new face. I’m not saying that this is what my friends were like but something similar to that affect. None of them really wear tonnes of make-up anyways, mostly because they don’t need it. I hope they know that.

I on the other hand do have to wear make-up. I might still look like a wreck but at least I’ve hidden away some of my freckles and the dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. It doesn’t change anything. No one is ever going to look at me the way I look at someone I have a crush on. No one’s heart is going to beat faster when they see me because they are excited to see me. No one is going to get butterflies in their stomach when they talk to me. No one will ever love me in a romantic sense. Sexual sense on the other hand is a different story. Now they won’t love me but they might get attracted to me, sort of. Like the man on the bus, he was attracted to me because I have boobs. I wish I had smaller boobs, also a smaller body. Well one reason being that I hate male attention. I feel like I can’t wear any type of low cut shirt without some creep staring at my boobs. It’s not like I’m the only person who has them. It’s also not like my boobs are very big in the first place. The average bra size in the UK, and I assume Ireland is the same, is currently 36D. It used to be 34B but it has changed in the last few years. I’m size 36C so my boobs are technically average sized. I don’t know why some women are so secretive about their bra size, like we can see whether you have small or big boobs saying the size just the size won’t be a big shocker, it just makes it way easier to shop for you now. Not that I would ever really buy someone a bra because that shit is expensive, but you never know I might someday when I stop being a stingy bastard. I never asked for boobs, they just appeared. I kind of wish I had seen the 1995 film ‘Now and Then’ when I was a kid, maybe I would have smaller boobs if I had started taping them down like Roberta did. I don’t want my boobs to be the main point of attraction. Being gay, I’m not into men, so I wish that they would feel the same way. Go fuck the straight girl I like, I don’t care, just don’t go anywhere near me. I think that the incident on the bus has increased my fear of men. I’ve never really been afraid of women like ever, apart from teachers at school. That has to do more with my fear of all member of authority though.

Since the incident, I seriously can’t take compliments on my appearance anymore because no matter how genuine the person complimenting me might be, all I can think of is him saying it. Whenever I get a compliment, his voice echoes in my head, and I see his silhouette just haunting me there until the day I die.

Does This Count As Sexual Harassment? (*Warning: Contains Vulgar and Inappropriate Language.)

So up until I got to the bus station I was having a fantastic as fuck day. I was so happy. The bus station however had different ideas for me. I got there early and I saw my bus was there just turning around and I heard a guy say “The bus is at 20 to 10” an I was like “Yeah thanks”. So he asked me where I was from so I gave a general-ish area. I got on the bus and sat in the 2nd seat on the right hand side of the bus. He sat in the 1st row on the same side. That was however, until he decided to ask me “Can I sit hear?” to which I pretended not to hear him. I had earphones on I thought it would work. Alas, it did not and he asked again to which I said “Okay, I guess” and move my big heavy schoolbag as awkwardly as possible to try and show how much of a bother it was for me to move it because there was so many empty seats on that bus and he had already picked a seat beforehand. I might seem like a bitch but something didn’t seem right about the guy and boy was I right.

I kept my earphone that was closest to him in my ear while I had the other one out, in case he said anything I should hear. He asked me what my name was and I didn’t want to use my own name because this guy was grade-A creepy, even worse than an encounter I had about 3 weeks ago, but at least that was during the day and the bus was way busier. I decided to tell him one of the names that teachers always called me in school because they could never remember my actual name. I told him my name was Sarah, and before you say anything I know it’s close to my name and I know people called that but it was easy for me to remember, I needed a name that I could stick with. I wish I had picked a different name because he then said “I know a girl named Sarah she was the first girl to break my heart,” and I was in my mind like “Shit,shit,shit,shit, you’re such an idiot why did you give yourself a different name now look what you’ve done, you’ve opened the conversation up to talk about romance and heartbreak. Great job.” Although, I must admit, this guy has the memory of a goldfish because he asked me my name again about 10 minutes later and was like “Oh yeah you told me that already, sorry.” Also I spent the entire journey home on my phone just swiping across my home menus and constantly skipping through songs as something to do. I did tell him early on that I was 17 and while I know some of you might yell at me for doing so, I wanted him to know that he was entering dangerous territory. He asked did I want to exchange numbers and I said “No.”

So I should probably tell you where the sexual harassment comes into play. Right so first he goes on about how he “gets a lot of female attention from girls, but he turns a lot of them down” and then he says later that it’s so hard finding love. He said things to me like “You’re really pretty. You’ve got a great body. Can I touch your breasts? Looking at you gives me an erection and I can’t help it. Can I kiss you? We could have really great sex together.” I never looked at him the entire journey, my eyes remained on the phone. My face remained neutral, no smiling or frowning. I looked unfazed by every single thing that he said. Inside, I was panicking. I was like “Oh my God, he is going to kill me. He is going to rape me. My dog needs to be fed and I need to get home. Just focus on home. Focus on the dog. Focus on all that went right today. Focus on people who won’t hurt me.” I answered his question about touching and kissing saying that “No you can’t because that would count as sexual assault and I could ring the guards.” He then went on to say that “It’s only assault if you don’t want it.” So I told him “Yes and I don’t want it, so it does count as assault.” He asked me then “Am I not attractive? Why don’t you want to have sex with me?” I told him that I’m not ready. “What does it take to be ready?” So i came up with this generic answer and said “When I’m comfortable with myself.” He heard it as “when I’m in control of myself.” To which he responded that “that’s the opposite of what you need to be,  you should lose control. Sex is all about losing control letting your hair down (the ONE time I have my hair tied up), and just enjoy it.

I only ever gave short, quick answers to which he stated that I was “the most unsociable  woman” he’d ever met (in my head I responded with, “that’s not news to me bitch, I’m sure people at college think the same thing”) He did say one thing that irked me which was that ” If it’s to do with sexual desire, that’s natural. Anyone that doesn’t have sexual desire is not human.” Internally I was livid, like fuck you dude. Fuck you. I didn’t seem nearly as angry on the outside and simply stated “What about asexuals? They have no sexual desire. Are they not human?” He goes “Asexuals? Oh yeah I heard of them, I see your point and I agree with you there.” Then why the FUCK did you just say what you just said you prick. He then said did I think that I was asexual because that would have been an explanation. I told him no, but that’s a lie. I do think that I could be but I’m still really unsure at this point. Sex with a man is definitely out of the question, especially after tonight’s conversation. He said “That’s good. I would never wish that upon anyone. Life is short, and we need to be able to get that pleasure.”

He brought up more than once about touching my “breasts.” He said ” If you asked to touch my penis, I would say yes.” A statement I never thought I would hear ever and I just wanted to get sick. I hate hearing about the male anatomy especially in a sexual sense. It makes me so uncomfortable. I’d say this guy was somewhere in his 20s but I wouldn’t say early 20s. Needless to say I’m somewhat traumatized after the event. He said when he was getting off the bus ” Will you shake my hand? You at least owe me that.” I shook his hand to get it over with because I knew he wouldn’t leave otherwise. In my head I was yelling ” I OWE YOU NOTHING. YOU ARE A SICK BASTARD.” Again I know this might seem a bit harsh but you weren’t there. Also I’m a very sensitive person to which he even noticed. He also said at one point when I had mentioned sexual assault and harassment ” It’s the modern world isn’t it? You can’t say anything without it being assault or harassment.” Um dude, what kinda world did you used live in? Were topics like that normal to talk about with 17 year old girls? Just casual bus banter was it?  With all that, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I will spend everyday worrying that he is going to end up on the bus again with me. I’ll be in college and just anxiously anticipate seeing his face at the bus station. I don’t really know what he looks like though to be honest because I refused to look at him. I do that a lot. I don’t look at people who could potentially be dangerous. This is also why I hate public transport, especially the bus. I’m never going to be okay again after this. Now my anxiety levels have been raised to a constant high every day. Before they used to be constantly at medium levels and then made high by small incidents during a day but would soon disappear again. Now I’m even more anxious all the time than I was before. Great, just great.

Follow up to “1 Week of Independence:Will I Survive”

I know that I only posted that blog yesterday but this day has been much harder than I anticipated. I’m sad, very sad in fact. I was joking with people all along saying ” Well my parents just got a new bed so I get to sleep there. I get to eat what I want, when I want. It’ll be great. The nights might be a little scary but sure I’ll get over that.” Now I’m not sure why I’m so sad and emotional/ Maybe it’s the fact that I’m due on my period? Nah, it’s not that. The “period symptoms” are sore back, sore gut, my bitchy-ness increases to a whole new level, and I also need chocolate (but that’s nearly more of an everyday thing #fatgirlproblems)

I’ve cried twice today. Like proper cried. Now if this was about a year ago or anything before a year ago, this would’ve been a regular occurrence. I was always crying. I was a cry-baby, and I apparently still am. The only difference now is I haven’t properly cried in months and I honestly don’t know how to handle it anymore. I mean I used to be a pro at crying, now I’m just a wreck (a hot mess as the kids say). I noticed my lack of crying about 2 months ago. Sure my eyes had gotten a bit teary but I didn’t really cry. Before I continue I must mention that I watched the John Lewis ad for this year and that did get me really bad, so I cried a bit more at that than I have for any other reason in the last couple of months. It’s not that I haven’t needed to cry or wanted to cry, it’s that I physically couldn’t cry. My eyes would fill up with tears and then just stop, like it was just done there. The tears blinded my eyes by putting water in front of them and then they wouldn’t even have the common courtesy to fall down my face and disappear. Fuck you tears, you fucking bitches. Anyways back to what has happened today. So my parents left that was fine, I went and played the guitar, did some college work (not a lot), and let my dog sit on the bed by my feet. I was fine up until my dad called me from the airport. They were through security and everything, they were just waiting to board the plane. I was fine on the phone, I told my dad a couple of soccer scores and that was fine. After I said bye and hung up I put the phone down and I just lost it. I started bawling crying. My dog was at the end of the bed so I didn’t want to make any loud sobbing noise to alarm him so I trying to stifle my cries. I grabbed the teddy that was in my bed, to try and help stifle the cries but also to comfort myself in someway. Now I can totally sleep without a teddy, it’s just I’d rather not to. It’s nice to sleep with something. Something to hold. If only it could hold me too. Since I was alone, the thought immediately came to my mind that “Oh my God, no one is here to stop me from crying. If I let myself cry too badly I mightn’t be able to stop and I have no where to go until college on Monday. Towards the end of that cryfest, my dog turned around and lied down facing me. I started petting him and I felt a bit better and stopped crying.

My aunt called me about 5 hours later. Wondering if there was any news about my parents. I told her that they landed and were just waiting for the bags, or so they were in the last text I got. She said that if I got nervous or scared in the night to call her and she’d come into town and come up to the house. She doesn’t live in the same town I do. Technically she doesn’t even live in the same county (just about). I google mapped that shit to check the expected time the journey would take and it says 35 minutes. Which seems crazy that she’d drive all the way out here just to make sure I was okay. In saying that though, I did just hear someone or some people shouting outside. God I hate my estate. I’d say I’ll be fine, I’ll have the internet there to help me if I’m too scared. My mom even remarked on it before she left saying that ” If the dog or everything else isn’t enough sure you’ve got that thing with all your friends on Facebook you can always just talk to them if your scared.” I’ve been tempted but have refrained from actually contacting any of my friends. Sure what can they do. Yeah maybe today some of them could have done something but some of them might be down hear and anyone who is down is going back tomorrow. Anyways I was fine when I hung up after talking to my aunt. About 20 minutes later my dad called from the hotel room. Him and mom were just getting ready to go out for dinner because they’ve been travelling all day. I updated my dad on all the scores of games that hadn’t finished the first time he called me. Both teams he supports, one G.A.A. and one soccer team, both won their games!! I talked to him for a couple of minutes, hung up and I was totally fine.

I had let my dog out of the kitchen to roam around the rest of the house who chose to stay at the top of the stairs. I heard him scratching at the carpet up there and called up to him to stop. I know he usually does it before he lies down but he is eventually going to pull out the carpeting. I went up to him anyways and he had just lied down. He looked at me and he just looked so fucking sad and again I lost it. I felt like the look on his face was because he realized that my parents aren’t coming back tonight and he doesn’t know how long they’ll be gone or even if they’re coming back at all. All he has right now is me and me alone. I’m not much good, I’m emotionally unstable. I sat down on the top of the stairs and petted him and then I laid my head on the ground and cried into my folded arms. I tried to stop and again I was stifling my cries as not to worry the dog. I was petting him a bit and then I laid my head down again. Anytime you stop petting the dog he reaches his paw out to you as if to say “No don’t stop what are you doing. I’ll rest my paw on you ’til you pet me again. So I kept my head laid down while he had his paw resting on my arm and I stayed like that for a bit before rubbing him again and going downstairs in an effort to sort myself out.

Again I found it quite hard to stop crying. It’s like my tears have spent the last couple of months building up and are now just flooding out like water from a broken dam. Both times when I had to try and quietly cry, I ended up constantly shaking like a chihuahua because really I should have let out all the sobbing and wailing noises. Instead though, it’s like all that wanted to escape was kept in my chest that caused more vibrations that a powerful speaker from a gig. This whole living by myself thing is not as easy as I thought it would be. It’s not exactly the same as those who live in student accommodation, at least they have roommates. At least they have someone to talk to. Sure I was talking to my dad and my aunt on the phone. Those conversation only added up to a total of probably 12 minutes or something.

My friend was supposed to come down from college this weekend and we were suppose to hang out, but she couldn’t make it down which is fine I had only seen her last weekend. However, I had anticipated something like this would happen. So it was more for my sanity that I wanted her down here. When she initially told me on Thursday that she wouldn’t be down I nearly cried, my eyes welled up with tears and everything but it stopped there. I knew that I couldn’t cry about that. I can’t cry every time plans change. I can’t cry every time I miss my friend(s). If I did that I would spend every minute of every day fucking crying away in a corner feeling sorry for myself. When I am in college I do think about my friends all the time, maybe not always in the foreground of my mind though. The brain can be thinking about a million things at once. That thought just happens to be the only constant one, always moving around some days it’s the main thing on my mind, “I wish they were with me”and “I wonder do they think about me” (probably not half as much as I think about them). Other times it’s in the background, chilling out being like “I hope they’re having a good day. I wonder if they’re going out tonight. That should be fun for them.” That second one is pretty much what I’m like a majority of the time. You can’t blame me for missing them though. Social anxiety makes it difficult to make friends. I’m lucky that I actually have a lovely group of people in my class and also the people in the radio society have been really nice to me too. I even made friends during the Kerry Film Festival too which was great. I knew that my friend would act as a distraction for the fact that I would be alone, and I would have someone to talk to for a couple of hours. Even though talking for a couple of hours with my friend literally only feels like five minutes. I was at her house once (and only once about a year ago), and I was there for about 8 hours. We didn’t play PlayStation, we didn’t go on on the internet, we didn’t watch TV. She was checking her phone a lot, I barely checked my phone at all. We just sat there talking for 8 hours about everything. I only ate a couple of the chicken nuggets and some of the chips that I got for dinner there because I could not for the life of me stop talking. A lot has happened since then. That was the first time we had really hung out, just the 2 of us. It is by far my favourite memory to date. We had only really started talking to each other two weeks beforehand and I was at her house during the Christmas holidays. She had given me her number the last day before the holidays and said she’s invite me up some day. I had mentioned to her a couple days before that I hadn’t been to someone’s house for nearly 2 years. I think she might have felt a little sorry for me, because who really invites someone they just started talking to up to there house. Nevertheless, I had the best day ever there (even if the room was freezing as fuck).

1 Week of Independence: Will I Survive?

I’ve never been alone before. Correction, I’ve never been home alone without my parents for more than a couple of hours or maybe even a day. I have always been spoiled because I am the youngest. I’m nearly 2 whole months into college and seeing as I live at home, I’ve had nothing to really worry about other than college itself and assignments. Like I’ve always had my parents there to cook my meals and wash my clothes and clean the house. Whenever I am alone for a few hours, the extent of my cooking is either sticking a pizza from the freezer into the oven, or else having food that involves being heated in a microwave. I have never used the washing machine. Well that’s sort of a lie, my dad puts the washing power and the fabric softener liquid stuff into the washing machine, and then I press the buttons and when it’s done I put the important items of clothing on the clothes horse and that’s my job done until someone comes home. However, in a couple of weeks my parents are going away on holidays and I’m staying behind because I’d rather not be their caretaker while they go drinking. So I’m going to have to cook for myself and actually remember to feed both myself and my dog. Luckily I won’t have to use the washing machine because I have enough outfits to last me the week (just about).

For the most part it shouldn’t make much of a difference because I feel like I spend more time at college than I do in my own house. I need to try and limit my late evenings that week, but I also need to go to soccer practice and a possible game. There is also a society meeting that week too but I haven’t been to any meetings yet this semester so why start now? I just think that LGBT+ society just sounds daunting and I’ve enough things to worry about right now. So while I will be cooking, I’ll probably be going to fast food places for lunch some days. I don’t know though, I haven’t bought lunch in college in a while, even days when I’ve had soccer or just staying late after college. I did have an energy bar one day before practice don’t worry. If I do happen to get hungry I just get a packet of hunky dorey’s from the vending machine. One thing that makes me incredibly anxious is order food, be it in a fast food place where you go up and tell them what you want, or especially when being a restaurant when someone comes over to take your order and serves and constantly checks up on how your meal is. I hate eating in front of people too so needless to say I rather get take away’s so that the only person that can judge me for eating is my dog. In 6th year, my mom wouldn’t have gotten a roll for my lunch the odd couple of days so she would give me money to go downtown to Subway during lunch and get something there. I would bring it back up to school because with 3 secondary schools in the vicinity it gets pretty packed in there at lunch. I would always bring it back up and walk into my classroom with the paper subway bag in hand. I would feel like everyone was staring at me. Yes, I know some of those looks were people thinking “Oh I really want Subway now,” but to me it felt like a majority of people were thinking to themselves or laughing in their groups saying ” Look at that fat bitch getting Subway, she must eat that all the time. She probably spends most of her life in fast food places. No one she’s fat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

The main thing that I won’t like about being on my own in the house is because I will be constantly hearing noises whether there is anything there or not. So if I stop showing up to college I’ve been taken in the night, not that anyone will notice. I spend so much time in school being silent that I’d say some people think I never speak ever. There is one or two people who have heard me say more than 5 words. I really hate group settings. I had 3 presentations this week. They all went okay-ish, except the last one which was a group presentation. There was 2 of us in a group and I was getting very anxious at the fact that we didn’t start making the powerpoint until the day before our presentation. The room we were in too made it very daunting. There wasn’t a huge amount of people there and most of them were from my class anyways. There was however a load of empty seats. I imagined all those empty seats being filled with a load of people who I feel have judged me in the past even just by a look they’ve given me. I went through my slides really quickly, and I did one slide where I breathed in once and then tried the do the entire slide, which wasn’t very long with that one breath because I was so nervous and anxious and just downright terrified. I had spent the last 3 hours beforehand in the radio studio trying the distract myself. I think that my only talent is my ability to look completely put together,unfazed, and stress free in public. On the outside, I seem fine. Yes I’m quiet but that’s not a bad thing. I’d rather be quiet than to be talking all the time about myself and everyone being like “God would they ever shut up, the world doesn’t revolve around them.” I guess in a way these blogs do that, but at least people have the choice whether to read these or not. When someone is talking you can’t really close a browser, you can’t mute them. (I’m sure we’d all like to mute someone. I certainly do.)

This morning one of my classes got cancelled without any prior notification. No e-mail or anything. So I had to get up at 6:15am for NOTHING!!! Well not really nothing the day itself was actually good. I was supposed to be going to a house party but after talking to one of the residents of the house who told me that there was a change of house and that he was actually going home, I decided not to go. Also while I was talking to him a girl from my class just came up from behind and hugged me. I always need a hug, so that was nice. I also spent a good half an hour listening to a famous local radio presenter talk to us, and he was so interesting. I do have a confession that I actually really like Radio Kerry a lot. Spin doesn’t appeal to me because all of their music is all pop and it’s nearly all shit. Whereas Radio Kerry has a variety and they have a couple of country music shows and I really like country music. I don’t listen to it all the time but I love listening to it in the car.