Nightly Escapes and New Year Resolutions Update

I don’t know why I feel so angry right now. It probably doesn’t help that I’m listening to this crazy awesome version of a young girl singing ‘Zombie’ by The Cranberries on repeat. It’s currently 1:40am on Monday morning the 28th of December. Another day has gone by where I have done no study for my exam that is a week away. I did actually look at a few notes related to the first of 3 questions for that exam but didn’t really do much after that. I’ve been obsessing over comedy again. I forgot how much I love it. I forgot how much I love Gilda Radner and the sketch comedy show ‘Saturday Night Live’.

I just had the urge to get out of bed, change into a good outfit, pack my small little rugsack and just go out the door and walk. It worries me that I felt like this, I was seriously thinking about it. I would just keep walking until I found some place where I could stay without the fear that I would be attacked. I feel like I would’ve attempted to walk to someone’s house like it’s between 2 people who live sort of far but in completely opposite directions to each other. One of them I felt would be able to comfort me and calm me down, and just let me cry while they wrapped their arms around me and told me everything would be okay. At least, I hope they would. The other is someone who I’m constantly wondering “Do they want even want to be my friend?” It’s the anxiety talking I’m sure but I feel like I’m the last person they ever want to see. It doesn’t help that they have a lot of friends and I feel like I’m always fighting for their attention (bringing back the idea that I am an attention seeker). If I walked to their house, I would probably be really angry and yell at her. (Revising this a night later, she seriously hasn’t done anything I don’t know why I was so angry last night.) They haven’t done anything wrong and I’ve never been mean to them or angry at them before but I feel like I just want to let it all out. Then they would get angry because it would be probably nearly 3am (if I was lucky to have walked out there that fast) and I would be after waking them and their family up for my selfish pity party. Honestly, I don’t know why I nearly wanted to do this. Nothing happened over the last few days to make me feel the need to leave, I’m just feeling a bit depressed at the moment.

This isn’t the first day where I’ve felt angry, and also sad, for no reason. I’ve succumbed to the winter blues. It’s not like I will only be like this for winter though, it will probably just be worse during the rest of this season and hopefully I can enjoy my birthday for once.

It’s now December 29th and it’s 3:33am, the internet got plugged out last night but I’m determined to get this written now. Also still haven’t studied today, I’m going to fucking fail because I’m a fucking failure. My punishment for myself is isolating myself from my friends until I get work done. I am meeting up with someone, later today I guess you could say at this point. I had that planned with a couple of days and I’m looking forward to it. They have to go to see some family at some point so I thought I might as well make a day of it. I’m going to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s new movie ‘Sisters’ and I can’t wait. I was thinking about inviting someone to go with me but I don’t think any of them share my obsession with these glorious women of comedy. I get to enjoy two hours of them, along with some of other female comedians. Other than that excursion, I’ve taken to try and not talk to any of my friends until I get these exams over with. It’s not like I talk to them too much anyways but now that everyone is off it’s a good time to meet up with people and talk to them. As much as I want to, I’m not texting anyone until the exams are over.  What’s another week going to hurt?

Have you ever just had the urge to drink until you pass out. Honestly I don’t think I have enough rum left to do much harm to myself, there is whiskey and baileys there though. I could always drink them. I am relatively new to drinking so it might not take that much to knock me out. Not like anything good would come out of it. This kind of stuff happens all the time, the doctors can always pump my stomach or something and get all the alcohol out of my system. It wouldn’t kill me no matter how hard I tried unless I did run away because if I was left too long untreated maybe I would die.

I think I get to affected by things I watch and listen to. I just started watching the UK television series ‘Skins’ on Netflix. It shows the life of a group of teenagers living in Bristol. It deals with alcohol and drug abuse, and eating disorders. Each episode focuses on one of the teenagers. One of them is called Cassie. She has an eating disorder. She was put into a clinic to help her overcome it, but she didn’t really get much help there and she put weights in her pockets to get to the target weight the clinic wanted her at before they would discharge her.  She shows a guy she likes, Sid, how she gets away with not eating. She talks to whoever she’s with and asks them a question like “How has your day been?” They answer and then she asks them another question and quickly changes topic. While doing this she is cutting up the food on the plate in front of her and moving it around. She pretends that she has to lave and shifts over half the food to another plate and stacks the original plate on top of it. It actually made it look like she had eaten something, at least to someone who would be collecting the plates later. Sid said it was like she was lying to everyone though, because she’s not better but she tricked the clinic people and everyone else into believing that she is better. She told him that it’s no one’s “fucking business” and also that “it’s not exactly like anybody cares so…” Sid tells her he cares and that is the extent of caring. If he bloody cared he would help the girl not just fucking say it. He also dismisses any romantic interaction she tries to have with him because he is in love with his best friend’s girlfriend. These types of shows can be so ridiculous sometimes, but I find this show does have some accuracy. However not helpful to someone like me, it’s just giving me  more ideas. Throughout the course of the episode she keeps getting signs telling her to eat. Through post it notes, text messages, and once using food to write it out, was the word ‘Eat’. She thought it might have been Sid sending her these messages because he said he cared. Except when she asked him and showed him her mobile phone, there were no messages on it. It was all in her head. It was herself wanting to be better that her mind created this reminder everywhere she went.

I’ve thought of some more resolutions that I need, some linked to this stuff and then some things that I thought of since the last blog.Okay so the first 3 are the ones from the last blog just so that they’re all together and also in case you didn’t read that blog.

1.Lose weight – this doesn’t mean I’m going to join a gym because fuck that I’ll figure out better ways to exercise that won’t damage my knee any further.

2.Be a good P.R.O for the Radio Society- I want to prove that I can actually do a good job because this was originally what I wanted to do as a career, manage social media for a business or organisation/society.

3.Talk more on the radio – I don’t think I’m ready to commit to my own show but if I go onto someone else’s show every now and again, maybe next year I’ll be ready. The world is just waiting to hear my show where I talk about T.V. shows and movies that have amazing gay characters because they bring joy into my life, except when they get killed off. (Thanks for that Coronation Street). Also I think some people would appreciate my music choices.

4. Be a better friend- I can talk the talk but seriously what have I actually done to help someone I care about. I didn’t talk to some of my friends for 4 months. No matter how busy I get I shouldn’t leave them to the wayside. I should be over my anxiousness of not wanting to bother someone because they might be busy. Last night when I started writing this blog I went back and read over some messages that my friend had sent me a while ago. They made me feel a lot better.

5. Continue improving my 2015 resolutions- Be funnier and be more positive. These are things that can always be improved upon. I need to make sure not to try to hard at being funny because no one likes that. Also I can’t be too positive because people find that kinda stuff annoying and also it would be very fake, no one is happy all the time.

6. Stop being such a fucking pathetic failure- I think this one is pretty self explanatory. I need to get my shit together and make it through college because I really like it there and I don’t want to have to leave.

I think that’s a pretty good list to be fair. Also I like this need to keep updating on what time it is. It’s currently 4:45 am and I have been sipping away on a rum and fanta for the last 4 hours or so and it has had no affect on me. If anything I’m more awake because of it, which is not what I wanted. Anyways if any of you do read this I wouldn’t be too worried. While these are all really serious issues and thoughts, I’m a wimp and wouldn’t actually go through with any of these scenarios really.

 

 

 

Advertisements

2015:A Tale of the Awesome and the Awful

It’s no secret that I’ve had a pretty terrible past couple of years. Things only began picking up for me really at the end of 2014, before that I felt like the biggest waste of space on the entire planet(I still feel like that sometimes but a lot less often). I began to feel like people liked me. I gave everyone in my class a Christmas card, as well as a few people who were in other classes. At the time, it seemed like most people were really happy with them while others thought it was a little weird. Either way, it made me feel good that my cards were the reason for someone to smile. (Which is why I decided to do it again this year except this time at college.)I also began making new friends during that time in 6th year, which is such a weird time to start making friends knowing that you only have like a couple months left in school with them.

I made 2 New Year’s resolutions for 2015. 1. To be funnier and 2. To be more positive. I feel like I definitely succeeded with the first one, which is good because that was the one I was more focused on. I love making people laugh/smile, it’s just my favourite thing to do. As for the second resolution, that was more something that needed to happen. If I was to actually maintain the new friendships I had acquired over the previous 8 months or so, I needed to stop being so negative. In some ways I achieved it and other ways I didn’t. I did better at enjoying the good moments instead of being sad thinking about how they would eventually end. I still get really negative sometimes but I attribute a lot of that towards the whole mental illness shit that has really affected me this year. Also, most of the negativity is towards myself and only the odd time is about something other than me.

I have to admit though that this year was probably the best year of my life (so far). Saying that, it had been a very difficult year at the same time. However, I wouldn’t change a thing. You can’t have the bad without the good, and by God was the good great. However, it wasn’t entirely consistent like the bad was. Starting from January, I stopped having breakfast a few mornings. A “few mornings” quickly turned into every morning. By February, I stopped eating lunch at school. For the next 12 months, I would continue this and thus endure stomach and heart pains. Nothing that I wasn’t used to, because even in previous years I had those pains, only now they were worse. For a while anyways, I’ve grown too accustomed to it at this point where I don’t get pain nearly as often as I did from March-June, those months were horribly painful for me but I hid it so well. Until I started writing these blogs in July, hardly anyone knew what I was doing to myself. I have no one to blame for any of this but myself. I used to get a lot of pains when I was a kid, usually either my ankles going weak or my heart hurting whenever I breathed in, neither lasting too long but would be an often occurrence. I got told by a friend of mine to “Shut up and quit whining.” So I did. I stopped telling people when I was in pain, no matter how much I felt like I was dying. I was the opposite to most people around the time of the Leaving Cert, I ate very little so while some people might have gained weight, I lost weight. Obviously not enough weight, because I’m still “starving” myself. I’ve had body insecurity issues for the past 7-ish years. It really didn’t help going to an all girls school where so many of them are skinny and perfect. I always felt out of place with my friends because they are all skinny and I’m not and I want to be. It is one of the many reasons why I hate being in photos or videos. I get a mini panic attack anytime someone tries to get a picture with me. I want to just run away, cry, and hide my face from everyone.  I have to be more mature about this stuff now that I’m in college so I really can’t be doing that. Yet I will let myself get backed into a corner by someone wielding a camera and just hope they will go away eventually. (Sometimes I’m happy that the 3rd years are going on work placement).

Sticking with the bad things about this year, I had really bad anxiety and depression this year. Well I’ve always had both of these I believe but this year I really started to understand that they were the reason I act and feel the way I do a lot of the time. The anxiety is hard to pin point because it was pretty constant as it affected me most when I was around people. Depression usually affects me when I’m alone and it hits me like a wave of darkness. It’s like a black hole starts in my heart and begins to spread to the rest of my body. I was also thinking yesterday after being out Sunday night, that I have really bad post party depression. I don’t think this is a real thing but it’s a good way to describe how I feel whenever I get home from being out with friends. It hits me the moment I close the door of my house behind me and I realize that my night of awesome is over. I used be really bad when I was younger I would nearly throw tantrums when my parents came to collect me from my friends birthday parties, or when I got home from being at my friends house. Whenever I get home from being out, I usually tell my parents about how the day or night went, which only makes me miss being where I just was even more. Then I tend to go up to my room close the door and just think about everything and see if I can remember everything that happened and the answer is always yes I do. I get really sad because I’m not with whoever I was with anymore and I can never live through that moment of my life again I can only reminisce which isn’t the same thing. During these  moments in my room I have cried a lot, I don’t know why I get so upset but it’s something that I don’t think I’ll ever get over. I bring this up because I was invited to many get togethers or parties with my friends this year that I’ve had to deal with this post party depression fairly often. When I first started getting invited to these things I was reluctant, in a way, to say yes because I knew how I would feel afterwards.

With the stress of the Leaving Cert I started “harming” myself in January or February, possibly earlier I can’t really remember. It started off with a rubber band around my wrist. I would stretch it out really far, let go and watch a red line appear on my arm and begin to sting. I usually did this whenever I felt like I did something embarrassing in front of someone, which happened a lot, or when I was procrastinating writing my English essays. Sometimes I would try to sit there and write and I just couldn’t and I would be so angry at myself for not working. So I would hurt myself because I deserved it. I was going to fail English I kept reminding myself, yet I still wouldn’t work and would repeatedly hurt myself. I ended up getting a B grade in most of my essays,which was pretty good for honours English. I made it look so easy, she even began praising my essays in class so not only did she expect something of me, so did everyone else. They would say “oh you’re so good at English” and they even asked me to write a poem for our graduation. The essays I produced seemed so simply constructed and an easy task for me, at least that’s how my classmates saw it. They didn’t know the pain I went through the get those written, in time and to an adequate length. I started to type out essays before I wrote them down because I couldn’t write them very well the first time straight through and I hated planning them. I would sometimes be up late at night or awake really early in the morning trying to write out the essay because you can’t print that shit out in secondary school because you have to get used to writing it out like in the exam. My teacher was out for a bit near the end of the year so we had 2 substitutes but before she left she had assigned an essay to write on Science and Technology, but seeing as she was out I decided not to write it at all, because if she wasn’t there to correct it I saw no point in slaving over something I had no interest in writing. Science was the bane of my life, I had to do all 3 for the Leaving Cert solely because I didn’t have much of a choice and I didn’t mind the teachers that taught science and because my brother did them so if I had a problem I could ask him. I rarely asked him even though I had numerous problems. At the end of it I really did love English, so I refused to write a 4 page essay about Science when I would rather write an essay about something personal. Those essays towards the end, where the early beginnings of these blogs. My English teacher nearly knew more than my friends did.  As the exams drew closer and the stress was increasing, the rubber band wasn’t enough and I’m too much of a wimp to use a blade. So I used what God gave me, and made scratches on my left hand using my fingernails until I pierced the skin and it would bleed, sometimes I couldn’t do it because it would depend how sharp my nails were at the time. I still see the scars on that hand even though I stopped doing it months ago. Nobody really knew I was doing it, nor did anyone who knew really understood why I was doing it. I have nearly started the rubber band thing again since starting college but I’ve fought the urge and have had little sleep as my punishment instead.

The combination of very little sleep, no food in my system and staying in college late in the evening meant I had very little energy most days, especially in the last couple weeks. I stayed up really late trying to get assignments finished. I took to drinking Red Bull as a means to keep focused when I was working but half the time it did nothing. I sometimes don’t have much of a reaction to caffeine, it sometimes makes me sleepy rather than alert. With that though, every morning or at some point of every day, I would buy coffee from the shop on campus. If I didn’t have coffee I would be dead for the whole day. It was my only source of energy most days. The odd time I would buy a healthy seedy bar from the shop but that wasn’t very often. When I would stay in college late in the evening it meant I was going from 6:15am to probably around 10:45pm without eating anything. That is 16 hours running on just coffee and water (or coke depends what drink I felt like getting), and also recently Red Bull. I would be lucky to get 5 hours of sleep on these days. Sometimes it was only 2 hours of sleep. Could someone please explain to me how it was possible that I was able to function? I don’t understand.

Now after that synopsis of some of the shit that I’ve dealt with this year, I think I should talk about some of the good stuff that has happened to me this year. We’ll start with the most poignant, and thus far the moment I’ve felt the most nervous in my life, when I came out as Questioning/Bi/Gay. I first came out to my friend in February and I can’t really remember how it went. I know it went well, but I really can’t remember telling her. I do recall going home that day and freaking out that it would make her think of me differently and maybe not want to hang around with me as much anymore. So the next day at lunch I asked her if me coming out had changed anything and she said “Of course not, why would you think that?” I just had to make sure because if my first time coming out went  bad, I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone again for a long, long time. I told my entire year, from my school anyways, that I was questioning as a comment on a post that a No voter posted on their Facebook page. My comment got 100 likes and over 20 comments saying I was brave and that took some courage and other stuff like that. However as soon as I had pressed the send button I was shaking like a chihuahua for a good 2-3 minutes which quickly led to me crying tears of joy when I saw all the nice comments especially from my friends because I was more worried about their opinion than what anyone else thought.

If any of my group of friends have made it this far, you know who you are because I’m literally only part of one group chat currently and you are all in it bar like one or two, thank you because I know you’ve probably heard most of this stuff before yet you decided to read through it again. To you, I have to say thank you for the past year. It’s the first time in forever where I’ve felt like I belong somewhere. Where I feel accepted, even for my flaws and I know I have a lot of them. Where I can turn to when I have a problem or I’m scared and need someone to talk to. Where my day can go from terrible to terrific just by talking to any one of you even if it’s just for a couple of minutes. It’s been amazing to call you all my friends and thanks for not kicking me out of the pre-established posse you had before I came along. I hope you’re not sick of me and I hope you not sick of me constantly needing to be reminded that we are in fact friends. I know it gets annoying but I just need to keep checking because I still find it impossible to believe that the people I always saw as the “cool crowd” are friends with me!! I was really nervous to see you all on Sunday. I thought things might have changed in some way or another because I hadn’t seen some of you since before college started. I was afraid that I had been that one that changed and that it would be last time being invited to anything, this was obviously my high anxiety talking, I think I did okay though I don’t think you have any reason to kick me out. Either way, I ain’t leaving without a fight, I care too much to lose any of you. I feel like I’ve made my point, that’s all I wanted to say. Oh wait there was one more thing I forgot, I love you guys!!! (Is this sappy and gay enough, can I wait til the end of 2016 before I have to get this sincere and sentimental again?) Okay good and Thnks Fr Th Mmrs.

To my friends (or whatever we are) at college, thank you for taking care of me and not forcing me to drink or do drugs like my teachers at school had always told me would happen. Just so we’re clear I’m pretty much addressing this to people in my course, in my year and the different years, and also a few others not in my course. Thank you, for being so nice to me and keeping my social anxiety levels kinda of low by being so lovely, wonderful people. I know that my really quite demeanor and my need to constantly hang around the studio is probably weird but if I’m in the corridor for too long amongst groups of people I will start to panic, so the radio studio is my safe place. I couldn’t ask for better people to spend the next few years with. I never thought I would find college this fun but thanks to all of you I get so excited to go to college every single day, that waking up at quarter past 6 every morning is so worth it just to see all your beautiful faces throughout the day.  I appreciate everything that any of you have done for me and I hope that I have helped you in some way.

I guess it’s about time to make resolutions for 2016. Okay let’s see well 1.Lose weight – this doesn’t mean I’m going to join a gym because fuck that I’ll figure out better ways to exercise that won’t damage my knee any further.

2.Be a good P.R.O for the Radio Society- I want to prove that I can actually do a good job because this was originally what I wanted to do as a career, manage social media for a business or organisation/society.

3.Talk more on the radio – I don’t think I’m ready to commit to my own show but if I go onto someone else’s show every now and again, maybe next year I’ll be ready. The world is just waiting to hear my show where I talk about T.V. shows and movies that have amazing gay characters because they bring joy into my life, except when they get killed off. (Thanks for that Coronation Street). Also I think some people would appreciate my music choices.

I think that’ll do for now. Those are some pretty good resolutions. I would also like to get a girlfriend but I’m not putting that as a resolution because I don’t want to try too hard to get one and I don’t want to feel pressure to get one. Someone will eventually want to date me right?

2015, you were a great year filled with great people. 2016, please learn from any mistakes that 2015 made and make sure that you have the same great people. Who knew that this Dancing Queen would have such a great time during her 17th year on this Earth? (For the record, I’ve legit only danced once this year and that was during my Debs and I was wearing heels, so I think I did pretty well at least I danced and I was sober so I remember everything.)

Dressing Up: “Be Girly For Once”

Be girly for once?? What ever do you mean mother? I’m a girl is that not girly enough??? Does not being “girly” make me any less of a girl? What defines being “girly”?

I ask myself these questions a few hours after talking to my mom about what I will be wearing going to my friend’s birthday dinner. I told her I was wearing my white ripped jeans with black tights underneath and she seemed fine with that, but I said I wasn’t sure on what top I wanted to wear so she suggested that she buy me something tomorrow in Penneys. I said  “Yeah maybe I don’t know, I’d have to see whatever it is first before you get it. I’m sure I have something upstairs.” So she says “Pick something nice, don’t wear one of those check shirts and a tie again.” I was kinda confused and said “What?” as I looked at her to explain what she actually wanted to say. “Be girly for once, just for that night. It’s just one night.” I got a little angry and annoyed and said “Why? She said there was no dress code. None of them are going to care what I wear anyways.” Then I just looked down as my mother said nothing. I stayed in the room for a few more seconds and then just went back upstairs.

I know I’m getting angry about nothing but how many times does she have to bring it up. I know I don’t dress like a “typical” girl all the time. I wish she could get that I just don’t like pink. I don’t feel comfortable in dresses. I don’t feel comfortable in my body in general. Let me give you a gentle reminder, because I know I’ve said this before, I like being a girl and I never want to be a boy. I did think otherwise for probably most of primary school but that’s because I thought if I was a boy then maybe they would stop being mean to me. Apart from obvious reason for someone to bully me, I blamed the fact that I was a girl for a lot of the torment. Whenever we would have P.E. and we had to get 2 people to pick their teams, the girls were always picked last. Apparently us girls can’t play sports, we’re useless, we don’t understand the game, we’re not good enough. However, as the years progressed I realized that they were only picking on me. I was the sportiest girl in my class despite the fact that I wasn’t playing for any sports clubs or local teams.

We would play soccer at lunch time I would either be one of the first girls to be picked or one of the last. If a guy who actually cared about scoring they would choose me. Unfortunately, most guys didn’t think a girl could score they just picked the girls that they thought were pretty and just told them where to stand on the pitch and not to touch the ball. Of course I wasn’t going to just stand there for half an hour, I wanted to play. I didn’t care what team I was on, I would try scoring for whatever team actually wanted/needed my help. There was one guy who annoyed the shit out of my. He would think he was in charge of everything. It was so easy to annoy him back and he had really short hair so when he angry his entire head went red and he’d start giving out. One day, the ball was coming toward me and I was ready to get it when I hear him shout “Leave it!” as he tried to run from the other side of our small pitch to where I was, just so I wouldn’t have it even though we were on the same team. I didn’t listen to him, I took the ball and I ran toward the goal and I nearly scored, either way I dodged a couple people to get there so I actually played fairly well. People cheered me on and everything but while the keeper was gone getting the ball, I walked back down the pitch. The guy who had asked me to leave it was pissed off and yelled at me saying “I told you to leave it, why would you do that. I had it.” It was after that I decided that for the rest of the game I would boycott my team because of him. God help the day I learned what boycott meant. It was when we learned about Rosa Parks in our history book in 5th class I think, and when she got people to boycott the buses. I’ve used it way too much in my life since that day. So for this instance, we went back to playing the game and that guy got the ball, eventually, and I went and got it off him and ran towards the opposite goal trying to help the other team score and I think I did score. He was livid, “What are you doing you’re not on their team?” I responded to him saying “Well it doesn’t seem like I’m on this one either, maybe if you treated me like a team mate and actually passed to me or any of the girls on this team for that matter, I would play this properly.” Since primary school P.E. and lunchtime games, I’ve hated team sports. The amount of times I have gotten yelled at for just trying to play the sport at hand and participate it is ridiculous. It’s not like it was serious, it meant nothing. Yet if I failed to score a point or a goal, I was a loser. Even when I would succeed, they would congratulate me in the moment and maybe trust that I’d be able to score again in that game, when the next day comes however they forget everything that had happened. I had was constantly having to prove myself to them. Prove that I was good enough. Prove that just because I was a girl didn’t mean I was weak. As a matter of fact, I beat every boy in my class, bar two-one didn’t participate and one had been working out a bit, at arm wrestling. This was in 5th class, I was either 10 or 11 and I was stronger than practically every boy in my class.

When I left primary school, I had a hard time adjusting to a school where the boys weren’t there while my friendships were crumbling around me. It was actually relaxing in a way but just because they were gone it didn’t mean the girls weren’t making fun of me which happened a lot from 1st to 3rd year, in the end it was one girl and her two minions but thankfully for me they moved at the after the Junior Cert. Most people in school left me alone, I preferred that a lot more to the bullying. However, even though the school didn’t have boys, it didn’t mean they were really gone. Cycling to and from school in a completely blue uniform, where I wore a skirt, I got a lot of heckling. So I’d say I was “bullied”, if you’ll let me call it that, for about 12 years straight. Not mentally scarring in the slightest, I mean it’s so hard to believe I have mental illnesses isn’t it. I think a few of the reason I fear men, is because aside from one boy and one only, they would yell at, laugh at, or make fun of me. So I feel like that’s what they will all do from now on. There is other reasons why I don’t feel comfortable when I’m around a man, bar ones that I’ve now become friends with since starting college. When a man walks into the room I get scared. When a woman walks into the room I feel at ease or nothing changes in my mood at all.

Since starting college I feel like I’ve gotten a lot better than dealing with boys again. I needed that 5 year break though, well more like 2 year break because it was only in 5th year when I started to hide out in school waiting for them all to go home before me. My class has twice as many boys as girls, 8 boys and 4 girls. Everyone in the class is so nice and I’m still trying to get the fact around that boys are even talking to me, let alone allowing me to hang out at their house and make me tea while I wait for my late bus in the evenings. I spend all my time not in class in the radio studio. 1. I still have social anxiety, surprise it never goes away, and I find the studio as a safe place where I’m not in as much of a panic as I would be in the canteen where there is a load of people. 2. All the people in the society are some of the most amazing, most wonderful people I’ve ever met. (Emphasis on the ‘some’, my friends from Killarney are just as amazing and wonderful.) Anyways they are just so nice to me, and some are aware of my anxiety so they kinda get why I might be a little quiet sometimes. I recently got voted in as a committee member from the society. There is six of us in the committee. I’m the public relations officer, in charge of social media, helping with events run by the society, and stuff like that. There is also a chairperson, a vice chair., a treasurer, a secretary and a 1st year rep. I am 1 of 2 girls on the committee. The rest are boys, evenly divided between 1st and 2nd years. I really like all the people on the committee and we have a lot of shit to get done, so we need to work well as a team and make our mark on the society.

Back to the reason I wrote this blog in the first place, I don’t see why I should be girly. I mean I started wearing make-up for the first time in May and I wear it at least twice a week to college. Isn’t that something? I know it’s not much but like it’s enough for me. I can’t bothered with half the stuff anyways, like why have eyebrows become so important in the last year or two? With that in mind though there is a girl in the radio society who wears make up and does her eyebrows and everything, and she does an amazing fucking job. I usually never like when people have there eyebrows drawn on in any way because it usually looks like it’s way too much and they look awful and worse than the caterpillar’s that live above the eyes of a lot of men. This girl however does it so well that they actually look really natural, or as natural as they’re going to look with whatever girls use to fix their eyebrows with.

I’m honestly getting so angry being at home since the summer. My mom just keeps trying going on about stuff I don’t want to talk about. Some of these discussions I’m forced to listen to unless I want to tell my mom that I’m gay. I stay in college really late because I don’t really want to go home. I feel bad saying that because I know I’m lucky that I get to go home everyday whereas a lot of other people at college are far away from their homes and can’t wait to go back every weekend. Whenever I try to get work done they always barge in and get me to go look at something or do something, it’s like they forget I’m trying to get a degree.I just need space. It’s like I’m a different person at college than what I am I home. I’m an angry, sullen teenager at home and I fucking hate it, if it wasn’t for my dog I would go insane. Also this year I’m going to have the worst Christmas ever. I’m not going to complain about it though because how can I say I’m going to have a bad Christmas when some people are completely alone during the holidays or are on the streets. I will tell you why I know this will be a bad Christmas for me though. My brother’s girlfriend is going to spending Christmas with us and also a couple weeks. I really don’t like her and I want to keep my distance from her. Also, apart from her presence on the day, and the prior and following weeks, the magic of the holiday season is gone. I’m not excited about it anymore. The only thing I’m excited about is the fact that I don’t have to travel on a bus for 2 and a half weeks, and because my friends are all home from college and I missed them.  I also have 2 exams to study for that are on in the start of January, so I hope I can actually study without being interrupted by my parents or distracted by my brother and his girlfriend, who’s laugh kept me awake at really late when I was trying to sleep before my one of my leaving cert exams. If that bitch gets in the way of these exams too, I’m literally packing my bags and not returning until she is gone. I will sleep anywhere I don’t care it’s better than feeling like I’m a fucking stranger in my own house. When she is here half of the fridge is her vegetarian and lactose free shit. My mom’s always buying her all this special food that can be really expensive sometimes, but then says she can’t afford to buy me something that I actually need. It’s nice to see where the priority lies in this family. Also my mom goes to so much effort to make special vegetarian dishes for that bitch and she just about says thank you, and then only eats about half of the meal. I probably sound like a whiny brat, because I want people buying me a load of stuff but when my brother is able to live in accommodation up in Limerick and be given money for his rent, and having his girlfriend having so much stuff bought for her. Yet I can’t live in Tralee. Tralee of all places, like how can I not afford to live there? Is not like it’s Limerick or Dublin. I think it would be nearly safer for me to live near college than travelling by bus all the time. I like the idea of being able to go out, I hate having to ask to stay with people in order to be able to go out. I have so many late evenings next semester that I will only be at home to sleep because by the time I get back home, I have 9 hours before I have to get the bus back again. New Year’s Resolution: Get accommodation!!!!!