I don’t know why I feel so angry right now. It probably doesn’t help that I’m listening to this crazy awesome version of a young girl singing ‘Zombie’ by The Cranberries on repeat. It’s currently 1:40am on Monday morning the 28th of December. Another day has gone by where I have done no study for my exam that is a week away. I did actually look at a few notes related to the first of 3 questions for that exam but didn’t really do much after that. I’ve been obsessing over comedy again. I forgot how much I love it. I forgot how much I love Gilda Radner and the sketch comedy show ‘Saturday Night Live’.
I just had the urge to get out of bed, change into a good outfit, pack my small little rugsack and just go out the door and walk. It worries me that I felt like this, I was seriously thinking about it. I would just keep walking until I found some place where I could stay without the fear that I would be attacked. I feel like I would’ve attempted to walk to someone’s house like it’s between 2 people who live sort of far but in completely opposite directions to each other. One of them I felt would be able to comfort me and calm me down, and just let me cry while they wrapped their arms around me and told me everything would be okay. At least, I hope they would. The other is someone who I’m constantly wondering “Do they want even want to be my friend?” It’s the anxiety talking I’m sure but I feel like I’m the last person they ever want to see. It doesn’t help that they have a lot of friends and I feel like I’m always fighting for their attention (bringing back the idea that I am an attention seeker). If I walked to their house, I would probably be really angry and yell at her. (Revising this a night later, she seriously hasn’t done anything I don’t know why I was so angry last night.) They haven’t done anything wrong and I’ve never been mean to them or angry at them before but I feel like I just want to let it all out. Then they would get angry because it would be probably nearly 3am (if I was lucky to have walked out there that fast) and I would be after waking them and their family up for my selfish pity party. Honestly, I don’t know why I nearly wanted to do this. Nothing happened over the last few days to make me feel the need to leave, I’m just feeling a bit depressed at the moment.
This isn’t the first day where I’ve felt angry, and also sad, for no reason. I’ve succumbed to the winter blues. It’s not like I will only be like this for winter though, it will probably just be worse during the rest of this season and hopefully I can enjoy my birthday for once.
It’s now December 29th and it’s 3:33am, the internet got plugged out last night but I’m determined to get this written now. Also still haven’t studied today, I’m going to fucking fail because I’m a fucking failure. My punishment for myself is isolating myself from my friends until I get work done. I am meeting up with someone, later today I guess you could say at this point. I had that planned with a couple of days and I’m looking forward to it. They have to go to see some family at some point so I thought I might as well make a day of it. I’m going to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s new movie ‘Sisters’ and I can’t wait. I was thinking about inviting someone to go with me but I don’t think any of them share my obsession with these glorious women of comedy. I get to enjoy two hours of them, along with some of other female comedians. Other than that excursion, I’ve taken to try and not talk to any of my friends until I get these exams over with. It’s not like I talk to them too much anyways but now that everyone is off it’s a good time to meet up with people and talk to them. As much as I want to, I’m not texting anyone until the exams are over. What’s another week going to hurt?
Have you ever just had the urge to drink until you pass out. Honestly I don’t think I have enough rum left to do much harm to myself, there is whiskey and baileys there though. I could always drink them. I am relatively new to drinking so it might not take that much to knock me out. Not like anything good would come out of it. This kind of stuff happens all the time, the doctors can always pump my stomach or something and get all the alcohol out of my system. It wouldn’t kill me no matter how hard I tried unless I did run away because if I was left too long untreated maybe I would die.
I think I get to affected by things I watch and listen to. I just started watching the UK television series ‘Skins’ on Netflix. It shows the life of a group of teenagers living in Bristol. It deals with alcohol and drug abuse, and eating disorders. Each episode focuses on one of the teenagers. One of them is called Cassie. She has an eating disorder. She was put into a clinic to help her overcome it, but she didn’t really get much help there and she put weights in her pockets to get to the target weight the clinic wanted her at before they would discharge her. She shows a guy she likes, Sid, how she gets away with not eating. She talks to whoever she’s with and asks them a question like “How has your day been?” They answer and then she asks them another question and quickly changes topic. While doing this she is cutting up the food on the plate in front of her and moving it around. She pretends that she has to lave and shifts over half the food to another plate and stacks the original plate on top of it. It actually made it look like she had eaten something, at least to someone who would be collecting the plates later. Sid said it was like she was lying to everyone though, because she’s not better but she tricked the clinic people and everyone else into believing that she is better. She told him that it’s no one’s “fucking business” and also that “it’s not exactly like anybody cares so…” Sid tells her he cares and that is the extent of caring. If he bloody cared he would help the girl not just fucking say it. He also dismisses any romantic interaction she tries to have with him because he is in love with his best friend’s girlfriend. These types of shows can be so ridiculous sometimes, but I find this show does have some accuracy. However not helpful to someone like me, it’s just giving me more ideas. Throughout the course of the episode she keeps getting signs telling her to eat. Through post it notes, text messages, and once using food to write it out, was the word ‘Eat’. She thought it might have been Sid sending her these messages because he said he cared. Except when she asked him and showed him her mobile phone, there were no messages on it. It was all in her head. It was herself wanting to be better that her mind created this reminder everywhere she went.
I’ve thought of some more resolutions that I need, some linked to this stuff and then some things that I thought of since the last blog.Okay so the first 3 are the ones from the last blog just so that they’re all together and also in case you didn’t read that blog.
1.Lose weight – this doesn’t mean I’m going to join a gym because fuck that I’ll figure out better ways to exercise that won’t damage my knee any further.
2.Be a good P.R.O for the Radio Society- I want to prove that I can actually do a good job because this was originally what I wanted to do as a career, manage social media for a business or organisation/society.
3.Talk more on the radio – I don’t think I’m ready to commit to my own show but if I go onto someone else’s show every now and again, maybe next year I’ll be ready. The world is just waiting to hear my show where I talk about T.V. shows and movies that have amazing gay characters because they bring joy into my life, except when they get killed off. (Thanks for that Coronation Street). Also I think some people would appreciate my music choices.
4. Be a better friend- I can talk the talk but seriously what have I actually done to help someone I care about. I didn’t talk to some of my friends for 4 months. No matter how busy I get I shouldn’t leave them to the wayside. I should be over my anxiousness of not wanting to bother someone because they might be busy. Last night when I started writing this blog I went back and read over some messages that my friend had sent me a while ago. They made me feel a lot better.
5. Continue improving my 2015 resolutions- Be funnier and be more positive. These are things that can always be improved upon. I need to make sure not to try to hard at being funny because no one likes that. Also I can’t be too positive because people find that kinda stuff annoying and also it would be very fake, no one is happy all the time.
6. Stop being such a fucking pathetic failure- I think this one is pretty self explanatory. I need to get my shit together and make it through college because I really like it there and I don’t want to have to leave.
I think that’s a pretty good list to be fair. Also I like this need to keep updating on what time it is. It’s currently 4:45 am and I have been sipping away on a rum and fanta for the last 4 hours or so and it has had no affect on me. If anything I’m more awake because of it, which is not what I wanted. Anyways if any of you do read this I wouldn’t be too worried. While these are all really serious issues and thoughts, I’m a wimp and wouldn’t actually go through with any of these scenarios really.