Why Do I Write?

It’s a multitude of things really. I mean what else am I supposed to do, college work? Fuck that! (I don’t actually mean that I just have a really difficult time focusing and the more I don’t do my assignments the more I hate myself.)

It’s not like these posts are all that interesting especially to someone who isn’t me as I write all these posts primarily about myself. It’s weird usually people write about stuff they like. Hmm funny. I guess that’s just me isn’t it “weird”. It would be one of the nicer words I have to describe myself with because being weird isn’t actually a bad thing. With that in mind I do write about things I like about half the time in these blogs like events that happened and people I consider friends and people I have crushes on (sometimes people fit into both of those demographics).

I’ve started questioning my sexuality again but I’ve just accepted the fact that this is going to be a never ending journey on my voyage of self discovery. Am I actually gay?  I know I like girls that’s not the issue. The issue is do I actually like girls to the extent that a typical lesbian is supposed to? I think I could easily be a homo-romantic asexual, meaning I only have a romantic attraction towards girls and not a sexual attraction towards any gender. Maybe I’m trying to just hold onto any naivety that I can so I push away any sexual thoughts? Either way I wish I knew because if I don’t know at least that about myself like I’m fucked. (Not literally because right now the concept of that grosses me out to some extent. So for now I’m just figuratively fucked.)

So I don’t know where that paragraph came out of but I’m nearly up to 40 blogs posts and I don’t think a single one has kept on track, again more evidence as to why it’s hard for me to get actual work done. Another reason why I write is because I feel like I have a lot to say for myself but I haven’t found many people that get what I’m on about. My parents are definitely no help, I’m just angry these days any time I talk to them. It would be great if I wasn’t reminded every time the idea of living away from home to go to college comes up about how we’ll have to talk about getting me on the pill “just in case”. My mother just doesn’t  get me. I can’t tell her I’m a flaming lesbian. I can tell her when I’m “flaming” (aka drunk)  because you know we’ve all been like that at one point or another. I was asked by my Nan over Christmas if my guy friend was gay to which I hastily responded no. She said she was just asking because of how he friends with a lot of us girls and how nothing has ever happened between us. Did it ever occur to you Nan that maybe I might be gay? Did the thought ever occur to anyone? No not even in my most tomboyish of modes because surely it’s just a “phase”. Well mother,father, grandmother, all other relatives that have looked disapprovingly at my fashion choices, I still love wearing typically male clothing just as much as when I was younger. Me being a tomboy isn’t a phase and neither is my attraction towards girls. I know that tomboy and lesbian don’t go hand in hand and I’m just adding to the stereotype but it’s how it was for me. I wanted to wear “boy” clothes because girls like boys and if I looked like a boy maybe girls would like me.Of course that was my rationale when I was younger I know that I don’t have to look like a boy to get a girls attention. Which I’m happy about because the last thing I want is to be mistaken for a boy which has happened. I once heard a kid point at me look at their mom and ask her as I walked by “Mommy why does that boy have long hair?” I am a girl. I am a lady(nah not really I’m hardly a lady we’ll take this one step at a time). I’m a female humanoid (there we go!)

The only reason I might dress more femininely now is because I think they suit me somewhat better and I do like some of them. Also a fact about me that probably no one knows because I only made the discovery of this like a year ago, is that I don’t hate dresses. I don’t think I’ve ever really hated dresses but what I hated was the expectation that being a girl I must wear a dress when going out.  I also didn’t like the way my mom talked down on my ideas to wear anything but a dress. So I somehow convinced her to let me wear something of a suit to my 6th year graduation because all the clothes bar the tie were from the girls section of the clothing stores. Yay compromise!! Haha if that was only the case. I didn’t really feel comfortable in that outfit. Yes I did want to wear a suit but that was until I saw how it looked. I didn’t really like it but it was either that or a dress and I wasn’t giving my mom that satisfaction. She had already made a huge fuss about the fact that I agreed to wear make-up and I’m sure she made some sort of comment in relation to me finally agreeing to gender norms because make-up=girl. I stuck out like a sore thumb that night. I went to an all girls school. Therefore I was the ONLY 6th year student not wearing a dress and I hated it. I nearly felt more comfortable in the uniforms we were forced to wear to the mass beforehand.

I write to get rid of any mental anguish, anxiety or depressive thoughts/feelings that plague my mind. Again this is something that I would probably like to talk to someone about but nobody really gets it. They try their best to help but they don’t really know how I’m feeling. There is one person who I think  really understands it but I’ve only talked to her about it like twice and the 2nd time we were both drunk so I don’t think that counts if only one of us remember it.While writing doesn’t really resolve the feeling I’m having it helps in the way that I feel like someone is listening. It’s not something I need a response on I just like to know someone is listening and that someone cares. I keep a lot of this stuff bottle up, not nearly as much as I used too, so I barely ever actually talk out loud about this stuff. Most details of this have only ever been written in these blogs or in a notebook I have from last year (it started out as a chemistry copy). We want to erase the stigma around mental health but yet when someone actually wants to talk about their experiences who really listens? This excludes speeches and any talk where you are in a room with a crowd of people listening to someone in a lecture type of scenario. Sure they mightn’t always interrupt you if you start talking about it but God knows they are trying to find something else to occupy their thoughts.

I write because it’s something I’ve always liked doing, whether I’ve been aware of it or not. I nearly wanted to do Creative Writing for Digital Media which is another course in my college but I was talked out of it so early on that I didn’t even have it anywhere on my CAO by the time my list was finalized. I had courses I knew that I didn’t really care about on that list but I needed to fill up my list and just put down courses in places that were too far away for me to actually been allowed to go to anyways. They were more acceptable to have down then a course about writing because God forbid I become a write because where’s the jobs in that, why would you want to write for a living? However in a way I’m glad I didn’t go for the course for the reason that I probably wouldn’t find it fun anymore because I like to write for myself not be write something for someone else to give their critique on.

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Anxiety Attacks

I don’t know if this is really a thing or if I’m just trying to call it something because it’s the easiest way to describe it. I had one of the worst feelings yesterday, i felt both anxious and angry at everything and everyone (bar like 3 people).

It all started on the Wednesday morning. I went into college with the expectation of having a shit day because I knew that most of my class would be at this award ceremony for this short film the TV and Film society made for a competition (they came in 2nd place and won a tripod.) So I got to college and half of my class showed up to our first class of the day. We had 2 hours of this creative module . It can be anything we want it to be, we just have to create something and document our progress via blogs. Of course nearly all of my class are doing short films for their projects. I like my idea I think it’s good. I don’t want to be fucking questioned about every single fucking part of it. It’s something I need time to think about and guess what I haven’t had any time to think about it because I’ve been busy. We have mid-term coming up give me a fucking chance to think it through and write my fucking script for it. Can you tell I’m angry about it?

Anyways I eventually got out of that hellish class to find out that I would have a 3 hour break because one of the classes I should have had was cancelled because the lecturer was also going to the awards ceremony doing some presenting shit. I didn’t mind though because I prefer just hanging out in the radio studio than going to classes even though that lecturer is actually one of my faves but I had him for 2 hours yesterday morning so how bad. It was all second years around, and a third year who is doing some of her work placement in the college. We were having a society meeting but there was only about 6 of us there. I was being such a sarcastic bitch like all day Wednesday but I was actually being kinda funny, but it was a bit out of character. If I get someone to laugh once it’s really hard for me to not keep trying to make them laugh. The thing is though it’s not easy to make someone laugh when they are way more  hilarious. I swear to God I will die of laughter one of these days now, not a bad way to go but still like. After our lovely little radio meeting, I went to the canteen with a few of the second years and since it was Ash Wednesday people aren’t supposed to eat meat so they had two fish options in the canteen. I had salmon and it was really good even though the smell of the fish warded off some of the boys (at least I hope it was because of the fish).

I still had another hour off but I just sat in the radio studio on my phone because no was really around during that hour. Before I went to class though a 3rd year, who I love she’s like my favourite person, was going to be having her radio show and she wanted someone from the society on with her to talk about how wonderful the society is and I told her that I would be free during the time that her show would be on. She said that was grand so I could be her special guest. I had a long ass two hour lecture and while it was actually kinda more interesting than normal I was just excited the whole time about being on her show and just getting to talk with a girl for an hour. While I love the guys I’m friends with in college, I feel more at ease and relaxed when talking to a girl. So I was all excited, the class finished and I legged it down a few flights of stairs to the studio. However, when I got there some of the lads had come back to college from the awards ceremony and I knew that that meant I wasn’t going to talk on the show. Two of them sat in with us and talked with the host of the show for the first half an hour. Early on though while one of the lads was out of the room I told the other guy that I was supposed to be the special guest. I wasn’t trying to sound angry because sure I was having a great day and the whole point of a society is that you all have to work together and I really can’t start turning into a monster at this stage. I actually have friends at college and I would very much like to keep it that way. Anyways the guy I said that to is so lovely and he was like”I can fuck off if you want, I’m just in here because I’m going to be around until 8 anyways..” Of course I told him it was absolutely fine if he stayed and I thought maybe I still wasn’t ready to talk on radio and I like him being around I get on well with him.

Either way as the show got to about it’s half way point and we had turned on another song, I was told I was going to talk because being a committee member I would have to talk about my role in the society and all that jazz. So I talked for probably a total of 15 minutes because the lads were still there so they did some more talking and more people came into the studio later on but I had my moment. I was such a bitch on air but I was nervous so I was trying to be funny and also since I was like that all day I couldn’t really turn it off. So I was actually meant to leave college at a relatively normal time on Wednesday but instead because I was on the show I decided to stay there because I didn’t want to miss anything. Once the show was over everyone then either went home or went doing something else that was going on in the college. I stayed in the studio with one of the 2nd years and we sat there in silence both trying to get work done. I didn’t really get much done but he managed to work away fine. I mostly focused on stuff for the society Facebook and Twitter pages because that’s what I’m always thinking about.

The 3rd year… okay I’m getting really annoyed identifying people by the year they are in so let’s give them names for the rest of this blog and any future blog where I mention them. This 3rd Year=Jodi. This 2nd year=Dexter. So Jodi walked back into the studio when she was done working and it was just the 3 of us in there for an hour before I had to leave for my bus and we all left the college. Dexter walked only a short bit down the road with us because he had to go home. Jodi and I walked together until she got to where she was staying and I continued down to the bus station. It was really nice having someone to walk with for once. I didn’t talk too much I just kinda let Jodi ramble on and she said she was rambling because she was nervous walking down the road we were on late at night.

So in relation to anxiety which this blog is supposed to be about, I wasn’t really anxious on Wednesday  but I was overthinking some of the stuff that happening. While some of it made me randomly smile, I worried about other things. Was I too much of a bitch? Did I go too far? Did I say anything that could have hurt someone’s feelings? Again I don’t think this was a really major part of the anxiety, but then again maybe it’s linked to what triggered it for the next day. I’m still trying to figure out what the heck my triggers are.

So yesterday is when all the bad shit happened. I woke up feeling off, I legit don’t know how else to describe it. I was able to push the weird feeling away however for the first part of the day. I made it through my 2 hour lecture and then I saw Jodi and asked her about her night out. She seemed to have an interesting night anyways. It was just going into my 2nd class of the day where I started to feel really anxious. It wasn’t even because of the class because I’m after getting used to that lecturer and I like him now. I sat in the entire class with this feeling that there was something causing my lungs to feel like they were closing up and that something had a tight grip on my lungs and not allowing much air to get into them. As well as that, I had a dream Wednesday night about smoking that made me feel really guilty so that might have contributed to this too. In my dream I smoked 2 and a half cigarettes. I got through the first 2 fine but when I started the 3 one I just felt so sick after them and everything tasted like pain. When I woke up I actually did feel sick and a feeling as if I had actually just smoked cigarettes.

Back to yesterday, after that class finished I got invited to go to lunch with some of the lads in 2nd year to talk about some society business. I was waiting for them in the studio and then going over to the canteen to find that it was packed to the brim. I didn’t get anything for lunch, I didn’t like being in there and I wanted to go back to the college but I said I’d wait for them to eat their lunch. Also I didn’t want to walk back into the main building alone because I was on the brink of a freak out which all came out when we all walked back. We were about to start work and I was like breathing in and out a lot and clenching my fists. I eventually just got really frustrated and yelled that “I’m just annoyed with everyone and I’m anxious as fuck.” I walked into the other studio of the radio to go an do some work and one of the 2nd years went in a put his laptop and stuff on the table because he was helping too but Jodi called him back out. I stayed in there and just held my head in my hands and internally screamed because I couldn’t actually scream. As much as I wanted to there was a show on and I would’ve scared someone if I had really screamed.I was in there for a good few minutes just trying to calm myself down and try to figure out what was wrong with me and why I was feeling so awful. I started to wonder what Jodi wanted the 2nd year for. So when I felt like I had calmed down some bit, I walked out to see what was going on. He was out there with Jodi and the girls from my class just chatting away. He told me later that the reason he didn’t come back in was because Jodi thought that what I needed most was some time alone. I thought that was really sweet though. While I don’t know if it’s what I needed, it probably helped that I was alone instead of having someone looking at me while I was freaking out.

I didn’t get really get much better as the day progressed but I felt like I had a lot of people there for support, especially when the people who weren’t really helping my anxiety went home. I stayed late again (all 4 evenings in a row this week) because I knew that I would probably have gotten worse had I gone home. I would’ve gotten a bit depressed and just get more annoyed because my parents don’t know about any of this so they don’t understand. At least by staying in college I was laughing quite a bit. Jodi left around 7 or so because she was going out again and that was the last time we would see each other until we get back after midterm :(. Dexter was there this whole time too, just thought I should mention that. Anyways, Jodi gave me and Dexter a hug before she left. I am a lot shorter than she is so when she was giving me a hug I made myself as tall as I could in my effort to make sure she “didn’t notice” how short I was. Can you tell my mind was all over the place yesterday?

So today then I had to go into Tralee and do photography in the town park for 2 hours. I wasn’t in the mood to go but it was grand the time went quickly enough. I walked straight to the bus station afterwards and I walked up with a guy who was going back towards his accommodation. So I had like 45 minutes or so before the next bus so I on my way inside the bus station instead of waiting outside like I normally do and guess who was just casually sitting inside. It was fucking Jodi!!! I legit could tell it was her a little bit before I walked in and I don’t know why but I just started laughing when I saw her. I think is a mixture of joy and also “wtf are you doing here?” I hardly ever see people down at the bus station bar a guy from my class and one of my friends from back home the odd time. To be fair she was also laughing when I walked in. I went and sat down next to her and found out she had missed her bus by a minute. She had an amazing night when she was out. First of all it was so nice to have someone to talk to because I had anticipated waiting alone for my bus aimlessly scrolling through my phone. Instead I got to talk to her the whole time and it just brightened up my day because I was still in sort of a funk  after yesterday but I think that talking to her helped.

The Night I Didn’t Care About Embarrassing Myself

So as most of you might know I turned 18 on Friday, it’s a bitter sweet feeling. It’s great in the sense of being legally allowed to purchase alcohol or bet on something. However I really liked being 17, not just as a number but because of what happened during the last year.

My birthday last year was awful. It was the day I started my pre-Leaving Cert exams with English Paper 1 and Maths Paper 1. I got 10 birthday messages on Facebook, 2 texts from family and a few well wishes in school. I did however get a birthday card and a poster from my friend. She was at my house and she handed me the card and I nearly cried but I managed to keep it together. It was the first time I had gotten a birthday card from someone who wasn’t family since I was like 11 or 12. It wasn’t just a plain and simple Happy Birthday, to and from, card, she had filled it with things that related to me like the Youtube logo, a cartoon character, and some things that were just between us like “coding budzzz.” I have a few things that I look at when I’m sad to cheer me up and that card is one of them. I’m honestly glad none of my friends got me cards this year because I know I would just compare them all to that card.

This last year has had a lot of ups and downs. The bad things being my lack of eating of breakfast and lunch at school/college (it’s getting better but it’s not an easy habit to stop). Also my mental state deteriorated massively this year mainly because of the Leaving Cert but also the fact that I had friends and had to work extra hard to get to to like me thus flaring up my social anxiety. In the last year, I started these blogs and people seemed to like them and gain an insight into this broken little brain of mine.

Anyways enough of what has happened in the last year, through these blogs you know all about that stuff already yet I feel the need to constantly repeat it. You’re probably more interested with how this birthday went. I know this isn’t all I should care about but I think it’s cool to compare, I got nearly 40 birthday messages on Facebook!! That’s 4 times the amount I got last year like I know college has a lot to do with that but seriously that’s mad. I’m usually the one who sends these birthday messages because I always remember people’s birthday’s without Facebook’s reminder of it. This is the first year where I felt like people actually remember my birthday for once without me going on it about it and telling people when exactly it would be. I also got a few text messages from friends and family and people wished me happy birthday on college and I got a hug off one of the girls before I got the bus home. Other than all the lovely messages and some people’s realizations that they have little to no photos of me, I didn’t really do much on the actually day.Luckily, I share my birthday with one of my friends in 3rd year of my course and he was throwing a party because he turned 21. The party was the next day on Saturday and you’re so not going to believe what I got up to.

So it was on in Tralee, I got the bus over at 25 minutes to 8 in the evening. I was wearing a dress, with converse of course because I heels are no fun when you have to walk more than 5 minutes to get to where you need to be. I was there at about the time that the invite said but the others were running late so I was there by myself for a while. I was the only person from my class there, and there was also no 2nd years there from my course. It was just me with 3rd years and they were nearly all couples. It was a while before I got my first drink. I went up to the bar and ordered Captain Morgan’s with Club Orange. I had 5 drinks in total. After that I got a bottle of Bulmers. Then I had a Vodka and Redbull. Then I had two more Captain Morgan’s with Club Orange.  Needless to say I got kinda drunk but I have to admit I’m a wonderful drunk to be around. I’m more fun drunk than I am sober. When I came back with my different drinks they were saying I shouldn’t be mixing drinks but other than how drunk I became it had no affect on me because guess what? I HAD NO HANGOVER!!!

Right so let’s talk about what I did that if I was sober I wouldn’t have been too awkward and embarrassed to do. I danced. Like proper danced, not awkwardly bopping away in the corner trying to figure out what I should do with my arms when I’m dancing. So Footloose came on and one of the girls wanted to go out and dance and no one else was really going out there so I told her that “I’m just drunk enough for this” and followed her out there. I was a bit into my 5th drink at that point. After Footloose was the Grease Megamix which I love it’s like my favourite thing. Then I think it was the Proclaimers “I  Would Walk 500 Miles” that came on next to which I danced with one of the guys from 3rd year. He was spinning my around and then spinning me back and then spinning me into him. It was like I was in a movie. It was really fun, but the spinning was a bit much. So I proceeded to yell “STOP SPINNING ME!!” at a point where I nearly would’ve fallen over because I was so dizzy. I think we sat back down for a bit after that. That was until Thunderstruck by AC/DC came on and we all nearly broke through the ceiling because we would jump twice and land back down with force everything it has the “THUNDER” at the start.

After we had really finished dancing I went with one of the girls upstairs to the smoking area. I did have one smoke of a cigarette while I was up there. Before you say anything I’m 18 so it was legal and also it tasted like strawberries. I did cough a bit after it but to be fair I wasn’t that bad. I keep remembering really small parts of conversations that I had when I was drunk. Like I was talking about the new Drama expansion of the Creative Writing society and how it would be good for me because they are doing improv which helps improve confidence and how to have quick wit which I need. The girl that I went up to the smoking area with though said I had great quick wit though. At least I think she said that, half of these things that I remember feel like they could have been a wonderful dream that I had. My dad collected me just after 2am and I got walked downstairs and outside by one of the 3rd years who got me drunk once before and also escorted me downstairs to a car that time, except she hopefully remembers it this time around. She gave me a hug before I crossed the road over to my dad’s car. I was so happy, I didn’t even get my after party depression that I usually get. I just smiled the whole way home to Killarney. Jut rambling to my father about all the things that happened. Excluding the cigarette bit because he hates smoking.

I had an awesome time. Although I feel like those 3rd years will NEVER look at me the same way again. Like anyone who reads this or who hears the story won’t really know what it was actually like, they mightn’t even believe that I did any of this. I’d say the 3rd years had a great time watching me let loose and not giving a fuck about anything. I wish I could be like that everyday though but alas I still have a long way to go with acting confident while sober.