It’s a multitude of things really. I mean what else am I supposed to do, college work? Fuck that! (I don’t actually mean that I just have a really difficult time focusing and the more I don’t do my assignments the more I hate myself.)
It’s not like these posts are all that interesting especially to someone who isn’t me as I write all these posts primarily about myself. It’s weird usually people write about stuff they like. Hmm funny. I guess that’s just me isn’t it “weird”. It would be one of the nicer words I have to describe myself with because being weird isn’t actually a bad thing. With that in mind I do write about things I like about half the time in these blogs like events that happened and people I consider friends and people I have crushes on (sometimes people fit into both of those demographics).
I’ve started questioning my sexuality again but I’ve just accepted the fact that this is going to be a never ending journey on my voyage of self discovery. Am I actually gay? I know I like girls that’s not the issue. The issue is do I actually like girls to the extent that a typical lesbian is supposed to? I think I could easily be a homo-romantic asexual, meaning I only have a romantic attraction towards girls and not a sexual attraction towards any gender. Maybe I’m trying to just hold onto any naivety that I can so I push away any sexual thoughts? Either way I wish I knew because if I don’t know at least that about myself like I’m fucked. (Not literally because right now the concept of that grosses me out to some extent. So for now I’m just figuratively fucked.)
So I don’t know where that paragraph came out of but I’m nearly up to 40 blogs posts and I don’t think a single one has kept on track, again more evidence as to why it’s hard for me to get actual work done. Another reason why I write is because I feel like I have a lot to say for myself but I haven’t found many people that get what I’m on about. My parents are definitely no help, I’m just angry these days any time I talk to them. It would be great if I wasn’t reminded every time the idea of living away from home to go to college comes up about how we’ll have to talk about getting me on the pill “just in case”. My mother just doesn’t get me. I can’t tell her I’m a flaming lesbian. I can tell her when I’m “flaming” (aka drunk) because you know we’ve all been like that at one point or another. I was asked by my Nan over Christmas if my guy friend was gay to which I hastily responded no. She said she was just asking because of how he friends with a lot of us girls and how nothing has ever happened between us. Did it ever occur to you Nan that maybe I might be gay? Did the thought ever occur to anyone? No not even in my most tomboyish of modes because surely it’s just a “phase”. Well mother,father, grandmother, all other relatives that have looked disapprovingly at my fashion choices, I still love wearing typically male clothing just as much as when I was younger. Me being a tomboy isn’t a phase and neither is my attraction towards girls. I know that tomboy and lesbian don’t go hand in hand and I’m just adding to the stereotype but it’s how it was for me. I wanted to wear “boy” clothes because girls like boys and if I looked like a boy maybe girls would like me.Of course that was my rationale when I was younger I know that I don’t have to look like a boy to get a girls attention. Which I’m happy about because the last thing I want is to be mistaken for a boy which has happened. I once heard a kid point at me look at their mom and ask her as I walked by “Mommy why does that boy have long hair?” I am a girl. I am a lady(nah not really I’m hardly a lady we’ll take this one step at a time). I’m a female humanoid (there we go!)
The only reason I might dress more femininely now is because I think they suit me somewhat better and I do like some of them. Also a fact about me that probably no one knows because I only made the discovery of this like a year ago, is that I don’t hate dresses. I don’t think I’ve ever really hated dresses but what I hated was the expectation that being a girl I must wear a dress when going out. I also didn’t like the way my mom talked down on my ideas to wear anything but a dress. So I somehow convinced her to let me wear something of a suit to my 6th year graduation because all the clothes bar the tie were from the girls section of the clothing stores. Yay compromise!! Haha if that was only the case. I didn’t really feel comfortable in that outfit. Yes I did want to wear a suit but that was until I saw how it looked. I didn’t really like it but it was either that or a dress and I wasn’t giving my mom that satisfaction. She had already made a huge fuss about the fact that I agreed to wear make-up and I’m sure she made some sort of comment in relation to me finally agreeing to gender norms because make-up=girl. I stuck out like a sore thumb that night. I went to an all girls school. Therefore I was the ONLY 6th year student not wearing a dress and I hated it. I nearly felt more comfortable in the uniforms we were forced to wear to the mass beforehand.
I write to get rid of any mental anguish, anxiety or depressive thoughts/feelings that plague my mind. Again this is something that I would probably like to talk to someone about but nobody really gets it. They try their best to help but they don’t really know how I’m feeling. There is one person who I think really understands it but I’ve only talked to her about it like twice and the 2nd time we were both drunk so I don’t think that counts if only one of us remember it.While writing doesn’t really resolve the feeling I’m having it helps in the way that I feel like someone is listening. It’s not something I need a response on I just like to know someone is listening and that someone cares. I keep a lot of this stuff bottle up, not nearly as much as I used too, so I barely ever actually talk out loud about this stuff. Most details of this have only ever been written in these blogs or in a notebook I have from last year (it started out as a chemistry copy). We want to erase the stigma around mental health but yet when someone actually wants to talk about their experiences who really listens? This excludes speeches and any talk where you are in a room with a crowd of people listening to someone in a lecture type of scenario. Sure they mightn’t always interrupt you if you start talking about it but God knows they are trying to find something else to occupy their thoughts.
I write because it’s something I’ve always liked doing, whether I’ve been aware of it or not. I nearly wanted to do Creative Writing for Digital Media which is another course in my college but I was talked out of it so early on that I didn’t even have it anywhere on my CAO by the time my list was finalized. I had courses I knew that I didn’t really care about on that list but I needed to fill up my list and just put down courses in places that were too far away for me to actually been allowed to go to anyways. They were more acceptable to have down then a course about writing because God forbid I become a write because where’s the jobs in that, why would you want to write for a living? However in a way I’m glad I didn’t go for the course for the reason that I probably wouldn’t find it fun anymore because I like to write for myself not be write something for someone else to give their critique on.