College Ball 2016

I wasn’t going to write a blog because I feel like the only major points of the night were drunk antics. While I will talk about a few of them others aren’t to be shared on the internet not because they were especially bad but they’re not mine to share. With that in mind though I did tell too many people in college this morning because I didn’t think about that because I was still drunk. I only told mutual friends but still I should’ve kept my mouth shut. Anyways on with the blog!

I wasn’t sure if I was going to go to this ball seeing as I was at the Clubs and Socs Ball and BICS, I only really decided to go because of how well the Clubs and Socs Ball went and how I didn’t get the drunk night I had planned for BICS. So I went and bought my ticket the day before the College Ball and luckily there was still a couple left. I didn’t know as many people going to this ball but I still really wanted to go because I wanted to hear the speeches from our Student’s Union Sabbatical Officers as two of them will be leaving. I was staying with one of my 2nd year friends and I had pre-drinks but they only made me a little buzzed because I just had 3 350ml bottles (I’m guessing the size I honestly don’t know) of red and blue WKD and a Bacardi Breezer. I got to the hotel and had a pint of Orchard Thieves. That made me a bit tipsy because cider does that to me. The meal sobered me up but I was sitting at a table that was a bit away from the stage for the first few speeches. It annoyed me because there was people talking through the speeches and I wanted to listen to them whereas a load of the people there only cared about when they would be getting their food. Like be patient just because you don’t care what’s going on doesn’t mean you have to fucking ruin it for those that do care. I could still hear bits and pieces of the speeches. We managed to move a lot closer and I was then sitting next to all the VIP tables. There was a slideshow playing as well throughout the entire thing and I was in a few of the photos that were in that which was fine I guess,I’m sure half the people didn’t notice them. They were put on a screen using a projector that was on a fairly unstable table, easily could be knocked over!

There was a few awards for Class Reps of the year and then their was this new award called the President’s Award. Our SU President was told he could pick a student of his choosing to give an award. It was given to a student who showed a great interest and involvement with college and student life. As he was explaining the award and about the person who won the award I was thinking “Who is going to get this? Will it be one of the other officers or someone who isn’t currently in the union?” As he continued I figured it out when he said that the student was constantly in the union and annoying him on a regular basis. I got to a point where I was like “Just say the name! I know I’m right! It can’t possibly be anyone else!” I was right and it was Jodi! No one else deserved that award more than her though. Not only is she so involved with everything despite not being an officer in the union this year (she was in the union last year though), she really cares about the issues that tend to arise and are discussed within the Students Union and goes to things like the USI (Union of Students of Ireland) Congress. She also is just wonderful and as I said to her at BICS she”deserves everything good”. Right I think that’s enough with the compliments I saw her when I got to the hotel and I said she looked amazing, which she did and which she always does, but like I’m only capable of giving compliments once in a blue moon because I don’t know why but I feel nearly as uncomfortable giving compliments as I feel receiving them. I also think I can only do one extreme or another either I hardly compliment or I compliment too much to the point that while my intentions are good the compliment loses all meaning. When she won the award though I was the first person to stand up and start clapping and cheering. Again if I had the ability to cry, I so would have cried then I was just so happy for her.

The meal was actually really nice. I steered clear of the chicken option to ensure that I would not have a repeat of what happened at BICS, so I got salmon instead. I did feel sick for a bit but nothing major, by far my favourite part of the meal was the coffee because it just made me feel better. I went out for a cigarette on my own after the meal because I felt like it would make me feel a little better. I didn’t do much for a while I think I got 2 Captain Morgans and orange during the 1st hour after the meal. Then I met up with Jodi and I think she went dancing and I just wasn’t really that into the songs that the band were playing at that point so I just sat down at one of the tables right next to the dance floor. So something Jodi decided to do for the entire night and even for a little bit yesterday was to replace the lyrics in songs with either my name or something about me. So while she was out there dancing the band were playing “When You Say Nothing At All” by Ronan Keating. Like she knew where I was but she was dancing with one her friends and had her back turned to me. Then when the chorus came on and it goes “You say it best…” and she changed the lyrics to  “When you say nothing on your blogs”(Not the best phrasing but she was trying to keep it somewhat similar to the actual lyrics) and turned around and pretended to be typing on a keyboard. I pretended to be annoyed by all the integration of my name into these songs but honestly I found it really funny and I ended up getting really drunk so I thought it was really hilarious. Another song she changed was “I Took A Pill In Ibiza” so during the chorus she decided to just keep singing “Sandra for P.R.O.” to the tune of the song. I was just like “for fuck sake” and kept telling her to stop every time she did it. Ultimately I thought that it was really cute but I wasn’t going to admit that.

Drinks wise I had pretty much the same as what I had at the last ball. I had a total of probably 6 Captain Morgans and orange throughout the night. I had a vodka and redbull. I also had an Apple Sourz shot and my  first ever Jagerbomb. Jodi bought the jagerbomb’s and she did that at the last ball too. She goes and buys things like Jager and Apple Sourz and I’m like “I hate you so much like why are we drinking this?” Obviously I don’t hate her but I think I spent a lot of Wednesday night telling her that I did. She said it back to me so it was fine except she’s usually be like “Hate you too bitch. No I don’t I love you.” Even later on when I was supposed to be comforting her because she was feeling sick she was like “I’m fine” and I would responded a few of the times that she said this being like “No you aren’t you fuck.” She was like “Don’t call me that!” The way she said it made me feel a bit bad so I think I stopped calling her that. I was extremely drunk by the end of the night and usually I do a lot of hugging when I’m drunk. Like I actually initiate it. When I’m sober I tend not to hug someone unless I’m pretty sure that they are going to hug me. This time however I didn’t do a lot of hugging but at the end of the night when I knew I’d be leaving shortly I kissed Jodi on the cheek while we were waiting for buses to show up. We were sitting down at one of the tables and she rested her head on my shoulder which never happens I’m never the pillow. I hugged her then kissed her on the cheek. I know I shouldn’t make a big deal out of this but usually the reason I won’t initiate anything like that is because in my mind I’m like “They don’t want a hug from me. If I do that they’ll give me a judging look and I will feel embarrassed forever!” When I’m drunk that voice in my head kinda disappears.

Since this was the college ball it was run by the Students Union and some a few people from other college’s students union were there too on Wednesday night. I saw one of the people during the meal and I was like “Oh my God, he’s here? Is that really him? I finally get to meet that POWERful person!!” His speeches are meant to be one of the best things ever. I feel like making up a line for him like the line in Grease that goes “A hickey from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card.” So instead of that have something like “There’s nothing more passionate than an hour with Power.” Probably doesn’t have the same catchiness, I’ll work on it. He is actually so lovely and I think he’s my straight crush now he was so cute in person. I had to refrain myself from singing the Max Power song from the Simpsons and replacing it with his name. I nearly did but I decided against it. While we were talking to him about Student’s Union, Jodi told him that she was offered the Equality and Citizenship officer role because the guy who was supposed to be doing it can’t anymore. I know Jodi isn’t doing anything SU related next year since it’s her final year so I was like “Is it really? Could I go for that?” Jodi replied with “Fuck you, they asked me!” I was like “Yeah but you’re not doing anything in the SU next year. You’re going for Welfare the year after.” She said “Yeah I am and I’m going to win!” While we were outside in the smoking area with Flower Power (I think that’s the best name I can give him in this) he was saying how he had the best dimples and I interjected immediately like “No you don’t I do!” He was like “Let me have a look” So I smiled and before he reacted Jodi was like “She’s right, Sandra totally wins sorry Power.”

I think that was pretty much all that happened during the night. There was buses leaving the hotel but I stayed an extra half an hour and got a taxi back with the lads I was staying with. I was going to bed at 4am and I got up for college at 7:15am. I went the first hour of my 2 hour practical because we got a break half way through at 10am and I went into the radio studio and sat down and I just did not want to get back up I was so tired, I didn’t go to any other classes for the rest of the day. The first of my other classes because I was falling asleep and I was comfy. The other class that I skipped wasn’t too important and the lecturer left the 2 hour class after 45 minutes anyways!! I saw Jodi eventually and she didn’t remember some of what had happened the night before so it’s a good thing I have such a good memory!! Apparently I was acting a bit weird yesterday. She was like “Is there something wrong you acting a bit different towards me? Did we have a fight or something last night?” I was like “No, how am I acting differently?” I asked one of the lads today was I doing something different and he was like “Yeah you were being a bit quieter than normal, you usually laugh a lot more and you just weren’t reacting to some things and you would just laugh a little.” Either way I was in a great mood yesterday around that time. I was really happy. I’ve actually been extremely happy for like the last week which I guess is to be expected after having two weeks of major anxiety.

 

BICS Awards 2016!!

THE I. THE I. THE I.T.T.!!!! THE I. THE I. THE I.T.T.!!!

That was our college’s chant and I love it and I can’t stop doing it. It just gets me pumped up and I feel so much pride being a student at I.T. Tralee. I’ll try and keep this in as chronological an order as I can. I had to get up at 5am Thursday morning in order to get my dad to drive me to Tralee and for him to be back in time for his bus to work. I got to Tralee around half 6 and I went to Misty’s house to wait for the bus because it wouldn’t be there for about an hour. The college wouldn’t have been open that early so I had to wait somewhere. I also had make-up to finish doing that I didn’t have time to do at home. I showed her my only projects that I have finished which is a video for one of my modules that she would have done this time last year. She laughed at it a little which is what I initially hoped that the video would do so I was happy with that. She thought it was good though!! We walked up to the college shortly after that to wait for the bus. The chairperson of the music soc showed up at the same time and when we would get up to the event he was the first one of our societies up for an interview. We had no interviews luckily. I was sitting with Misty. We were in the 2nd last row of the small bus and we were in front of Music soc. I swear to God if I ever have to spend more than 2 minutes around them as a group I will scream. It was mostly one particular member of their soc more than others that really annoyed me. He doesn’t have an off button he will literally try to get with every and all beautiful women in sight. In the evening he even tried Misty even though they were talking on the bus about her boyfriend.He was also trying Jodi on the dance floor as well and was grinding up against her which was awks to watch.

When we got to the hotel we met our SU President who was giving us our hoodies and giving us our lunch and dinner tickets. Jodi and the other judges were having breakfast at the time so we walked over to them and sat with them for a while. They soon had to go off and do work so Dexter and I went looking around the hotel and went looking at where the spa and everything was. We were the only members of our society still in the hotel as our other society members went on a drive down to the nearby Tesco because there was some things they wanted to get and we needed them to get some little present and cards for Jodi and our societies officer. Those two have worked so hard over the last couple of months and helped us with our forms and making sure that they were up to BICS standard. We weren’t giving them the gifts until later on that evening so when everyone came back from the shop we put them into one of the lads rooms where Jodi and the societies officer wouldn’t see them. Then we had to rush downstairs for the BICS launch talk which was starting at 11. We made in down there at like 10 past 11, luckily the talk hadn’t started but there was no more seats so we had to stand at the back. I know we had to organise the gifts and stuff but couldn’t we have written the cards after the talk? I just really hate being late to things especially since Dexter and I were waiting around the hotel for the talk to start so we really should have been in there on time but we had to wait for the rest of our society members to come back. The talk went fine but the chairperson was seeing which colleges were there and each college has their own chant but at that point we didn’t know we had one. Apparently, on the bus ride to BICS we were supposed to be taught it but we weren’t. One of the girls who was already there as a judge for BICS who was from our college just yelled out the chant herself when I.T. Tralee were called out and none of us joined in. She was kind of annoyed afterwards I think. After this I think I went up to my room and Misty and Dexter went up with me and the girl who did the chant by herself who is the pretty campus tour guide from the first college blogs I did. I was staying with her and our societies officer. At one point I was supposed to be staying with Jodi but I knew that was not going to happen at all yet I got far too excited about the possibility of it only to be told that I was sharing with them and that we had to give away one of our rooms to UL because they were one room short. Fair enough but I mean of all the colleges to need a room like it was the Limerick college that needed it when we were staying in a Limerick hotel. I liked who I was staying with but the fact that I had been so excited about sharing with Jodi, I got did get really upset about it when I was initially told upon arrival.

For a while it was 4 of us in the room I was staying in and they were all talking while I just sat there and listened to them having a conversation. That’s another thing, I was being really quiet for the entirety of being at the BICS Awards. I didn’t really talk all that much to anyone not even to the people I knew. While we were in the room we listened to our old chairperson being interviewed on the radio at the radio station that he is doing his work placement for. Towards the end of his interview someone had snapchatted him telling him we were listening. So he said on the radio about us being at BICS and wished us good luck and that was probably the happiest I was during my day at BICS was when we were listening to that interview. The girl I was staying with and Dexter decided to go swimming so while they were gone I stayed with Misty in my room because she hadn’t gotten her room yet. She had to keep going down to the front desk because it was ages before it was ready. She kept saying that she needed a nap and she was lying on the bed on her phone at one point. She put her phone down in front of her and like 2 minutes later she was asleep. She slept for like 20 minutes or something. It was a bit before I actually knew she was asleep because I was just on my phone looking through Facebook. I left her sleeping because I thought it would probably be better that she got some sleep because the girl was up since half 5. Her phone kept going off with notifications from a group chat that someone had started for BICS and I kept thinking it was going to wake her. After it seemed like a while and I kind of wanted not to be sitting there by myself anymore I took a snap of her asleep and sent it to her. 1. To see if it would wake her up and 2. To see what noise the Snapchat notification would make. It worked though and it did wake her up.

One thing I do need to say about Misty is that if she wasn’t with me during the day I would’ve gone insane. We were outside at one point and I think I was standing with Jodi and Dexter and she came up behind me and put her hands over my glasses. I stood for like a minute before I moved her hands down to my shoulders and she hugged for ages. I just held onto her hands while she was hugging me. Forget what I said earlier, that was the happiest I felt during the day time at BICS. I don’t know why but it was like one of the most comforting hugs that I’d had in a long time and it just made me feel so happy. I didn’t see much of Jodi for the day or some of the night. She knows so many people from the other colleges and she’s kind of a big deal there. I knew that would happen though, I didn’t think I’d see her at all during my time at BICS. I spent a little bit of time with all my society members in one of the hotel rooms and we took pictures and our chairperson kept sending them onto BICS and they later appeared on the screens that were put up to show all the social media interactions with everyone who was there attending BICS.

Group Photo from bedroom at BICS

I think this such a cute photo!! The rest of the day was fairly boring though and we spent most of our time in the hotel rooms. We didn’t have any interviews or presentations so we had nothing we had to do. I didn’t know we were allowed to go to watch other people’s presentations and if I had I would have gone and watched our MAG soc’s one as well as the other ones for that award category. It was my first time at BICS I didn’t know what was happening.

When it was time to get ready I had my first proper drink of the night which was a Captain Morgans and Fanta which I had in the room and I felt ok after it possibly the start of being tipsy but no major change really. I went down to the room Misty was in with the other girl from our society. I knocked on the door and when Misty opened it she actually looked shocked which was a reaction I was hoping for. She said I looked really good and gave me a hug. The lads were all in the room next door and we all took pictures in there together while we were all dressed up. We got downstairs and we got the table at the very back but at least all of Bang FM were together and we could see the stage fairly well. Our Awards were the 4th and 6th awards given out so they were early on. Publicity Campaign was first and that was large and small colleges combined and it went to DIT Fashion soc, they’re classified currently as a large college so had the awards been divided by size of college maybe we would have won. They also won best promotional video so they won two awards in a row. We weren’t too bad after losing that because we had higher hopes for the next award. The next award was for Best Mental Health Promoting Event and we got shortlisted as one of the final 3 after there was several events going for it. We were against NUI Galway and GMIT. From the get-go we knew that our real competition was going to be GMIT as NUI Galway’s one was a mental health week which most colleges do anyway and I think that the people who were doing that award wanted more creative and different kind of events. We were so sure that we would win that award but the lead up to that being announced was sooooo nerve wracking. I couldn’t even look up at the stage I had my head in my hand and my fingers crossed but Misty got my hand and while the first presenter was saying their speech about the judging process and the award. We had our elbows on the table and our fingers were interlocked and as I was getting more nervous I think I was squeezing her hand tighter. We both let go because we were applauding that part of the speech and then the second presenter who announces the winner was up. “And the winner is GMIT” I’m all about good sportsmanship and not being a sore loser but in that moment I lost all sense of my moral code. I just put my head in both my hands and was saying to myself “This isn’t happening. We deserved that award so much. I know they deserve it but so do we damnit!!! We so fucking deserve it” Also due to the many years I’ve spent crying I find it incredibly difficult to cry now, it’s impossible for me to express any sad emotion anymore through crying. Good from a make-up point of view bad from an expressive point of view. I then proceeded to cross my arms and put them on the table and put my head down because while I wasn’t crying I couldn’t compose myself I was a mental wreck. My society members kept telling me it was alright, it was over there was nothing we could do about it. It was the most disheartening thing I have ever experienced. We spent so much time on the different aspects of our event and  so much time on those forms. I started getting severely low grades in CAs one of which I got back earlier this week which I did during the week where forms needed to be submitted for In House Awards aka the most stressful week of my entire life. Fuck the Leaving Cert that week nearly killed me. I looked upset for the next few awards and couldn’t really pay attention to them. Our SU President walked passed me at one point and he was like “Come on, cheer up!”

They had this photo booth place and I did not like nor did I get any photos that I want to see again. There was one person I wanted to get photos with, not even a selfie was taken. I wanted to ask her all night but I was too nervous at one point and then we were outside where it was way too dark to take any so I never asked her. I can’t really use the flash because it fucks with my glasses. At the photo booth place though they take 4 photos and they want you to change poses every time which I don’t know what to do I never pose for photos. Smiling in a photo takes a lot of my focus and effort trying to think of a pose freaked me out. Also the photos were taken so quick that I had no time to think of anything and I panicked. So when any of our college’s societies awards came up I started to pay attention again. Music soc were the 1st of our socs to win and our college hasn’t won a BICS Award since 2011. They won Most Improved Society in a small college. Our 3 tables cheered so loud and everyone was so happy and hugging their society members. We started doing our chant then as they went up to accept their award. When they came back down then people stood up and more of us went over and hugged and congratulated the society.  Then a few awards went by including 2 related to Music soc which they didn’t win and a couple that MAG soc didn’t win. I don’t really think we were expecting to win another award merely because winning two awards in one night after not winning for 5 years is absolutely fucking insane. They were announcing Best Society In the Civic/Charity Field for a small college. We had our wonderful SVP Society going for that and there was this sponsor announcing the award  who we met earlier on in the day because he had a stand with all this cool merchandise. When he said that IT Tralee won we cheered so much like even more than for the first award. I watched back the livestream and we were so loud even when it was just announcing nominees we were one of the louder groups when our college was mentioned. I was so overjoyed for them though they deserved it so much. I was in college for a few days over Easter doing some stuff for BICS and there were day everyday I was there and possibly the other days too. The people from their society are like the nicest people and I couldn’t be happier that they won. Our other societies are great but I was really rooting for them if anyone was winning an award other than our society it needed to be them. So 2 out of our 4 societies that attended BICS got awards. Which is great. All our societies put so much work into their forms and portfolios and what they did for their awards whether it was best event, best photo, whatever it was, there was a lot of work put into everything. We just had some tough competition that was all.

At the hotel we were given a lunch. We had a choice of chicken curry, vegetable curry or lasagne. I went with the chicken curry and it was nice. Later on then we had dinner before the awards and our starter and main course were both chicken. I know most people love chicken, as do I,  but having it as a starter and main course is so excessive. The starter should be something light and different to the main course. I felt like my main course was just a continuation on of the starter. I had a glass of the white wine with the meal. I hate wine but it was free and I never had a full glass of wine before. I think this was when I started to feel a little sick. After the awards were finished I had a sip of this beer one of my friends had because I wanted to try it. I liked it when I drank it but I went to the bathroom shortly after that and I got sick and threw up my entire meal. I was worried that I would miss our group photo as a college. We were the 3rd last college but they were going through them fairly quickly and I was in the bathroom for a while. I needed to make sure I was done getting sick. I felt ok and didn’t feel like anything was going happen again so I got up  went to the mirror to see how I looked. I looked a wreck my eyes were so watery but my make up still seemed ok. When I walked back out it was just about time for our photo so while we waited for the college before us to take their photo I double checked with Jodi to see if my make up was ok and she said it was fine. We took the photo and then I went and bought a 7up because I thought that water would make me sick again but I really needed a drink because my throat was hurting so much. I should probably mention that I went out for a cigarette right after all the awards were over. I ended having two because I was still upset and I would have had another but I wasn’t sure about how the order was for the college photos.Speaking of cigarettes I didn’t lose them this time. Except for my brand new box which fell out of my pocket when I was getting off the bus in Tralee. So I’m very annoyed about that. It’s probably a sign that I shouldn’t smoke but I’m buying another box this week I don’t care.

I told Misty I was sick and she sat down with me for a bit but she did want to go dancing so we moved closer to the dance floor and then she went out dancing and tried to get me to go out there too. I did but I wasn’t out there for too long and I just went and sat back down.It sucked too because the band was actually good. The song they started with was the Friends theme “I’ll Be There For You” and I saw our chairperson Dexter and while that was on I went over and gave him a hug. I saw on the group chat that the rest of our college was over by the photo booth and I saw some of them so I tried to jump in and Jodi was like “Sandra it’s a student rep. photo!!” So I just moved out of the way again and stood at the side pretending to be upset because I thought it would be funny because I was trying to find a way to laugh off my embarrassment. Because that was embarrassing. Afterwards I was trying to be funny so when Jodi walked over to me afterwards I was like “Soz” and I never say that word. She said she could feel me getting into the photo and in her mind was like “No,No, don’t!” Sure enough that didn’t make me feel any better and just made me feel even more embarrassed so I just kept trying to be funny. She collected her photos and I was like ” I just wanted to be a part of something” in a fake upset voice. Shortly after this I went outside for a cigarette again and I think I had two again. This time though Dexter came outside with our gifts that we were giving to Jodi and our societies officer. We gave them both a small mini box of Celebrations and a card each. We also gave the societies officer flowers. It wasn’t my idea and I didn’t go with the few members to the shop to pick the stuff out but I was so glad we were giving them something. They both did so much work and they helped everyone, not just us, so much with our forms and problems. I went over to Jodi afterwards and said did she like what we got her because it was a collective thing from Bang FM. She was so excited and so happy that she got something. Ok when I went over to her I wasn’t drunk because I was practically 100% sober the entire night. I was however on a bit of a nicotine buzz which does make me feel a little tipsy. This doesn’t change anything that I then said to her but I just thought I would preface it. I said “Well you deserve it. Actually you deserve more, you deserve everything. You helped us so much with all our BICS stuff and you just deserve everything good!” I think I hugged her then. Then I continued on with “And that is why I’m getting you those great birthday presents that I was talking to you about the other day.” She was like “No I want you to make me something. I want a Sandra present!!” So I told her “Fine I’ll get you all those other things and a Sandra present!!” I was going to try and give her our presents before we go off on our summer holidays but I’m looking up what I could make her and I’m afraid they could be time consuming. That’s not the problem it’s just I can’t do something that’s too time consuming now because I have projects to do for college. Luckily her birthday isn’t until July so I actually do have time and I’m sure she’ll gladly meet up with me over summer and especially if I have presents. She wants me to make her a wand but if I was doing that I would love to try and carve one out of wood but unless I can find a doable way for me to do that I think I have to abandon that idea. I have come up with an idea for a gift, it’s extremely gay, after looking up suggestions though!! Anyways back to the actual event.

I was still feeling sick for most of the night. So at around half 12 I went outside for a cigarette and first of all I just sat down on a seat out there for a while then I went around more towards the front of the hotel to be a little bit hidden away from the people in the smoking area. I sat on a low down window ledge and smoked and had a drink with me. I got a Captain Morgan’s and orange after the 7up because I was feeling a little better but it took me like an hour to drink it so I don’t think I was really better. I sat outside smoking my cigarette but I wasn’t feeling well so I didn’t even smoke properly I just blew out all the smoke immediately and didn’t try inhaling any of it at all. When I was finished I just sat there for ages and it was kind of dark where I was and all the outdoor lights that were on were where everyone else was. I just sat there looking at my phone wondering if anyone noticed I had gone. How long would I have to stay here before someone got concerned? I thought I was there long enough. I stayed there until about one and then I found someone who I was staying with and asked for the room key. I thought it would be better if I just went up to the room. I was walking out of the function room, and I saw Dexter in the lobby and told him I was going to my room. He asked me why and if I was alright. I told him “I just don’t see any reason for me to be down here anymore.” He asked why and I just told him I was sick and I didn’t want to be downstairs anymore. As I was about to walk away Jodi was there. I think she was just in her room because her hair was tied up and I think she had taken off her necklace. Usually I’m always super excited to see her and no matter how many times a day I say hi to her I always have a huge smile on my face. This time I just about mustered up a very weak “Hi” and I struggled but managed to give a quick smile. She was like “are you ok?” and I just didn’t want to make it really dramatic so all I told her was “I’m going up to my room” and I walked away.  I got up to the floor I was staying on and saw the other girl I was staying with waiting at the elevator and she had just changed out of her dress and was going back down. She looked at me confused and asked “Why are you going back to the room?” and I told her what I told Dexter that I didn’t see a reason to stay down there. She looked at me still confused and I just said “Yeah I’m just feeling sick, enjoy the rest of your night though!!” Then I walked off again towards the room. I went in and took out this little notebook that I brought with me and wrote in that for 45 minutes about how bad the night was going for me. Like it’s better than sitting down and ruining someone else’s night with telling them why my night was going shit.

My friend started snapchatting me which did make me feel better alongside the writing. I wrote 5 A5 pages about the night. Tried to cut myself using the plastic on the name-tags from the lanyards we got. I got a couple of proper scratches but no one has seen them and they’re nearly faded away at this point. It was only a matter of time before something like that happened, it’s one of the reasons I started smoking when I did. Another reason being all the dresses I was wearing to these things were sleeveless so I couldn’t have any marks on my arms for them. That was my last event so I thought I might as well. I changed into my converse because I thought being out of heels might brighten my mood in some way. I went back down stairs and as soon as I walked into the function room and I saw Jodi immediately and I started walking over to her and she was like “Are you ok? Dexter said you went off in a bit of a huff?” I told her that I just wasn’t having a good time and I went upstairs and wrote for the last while. She was like “Good I know that’ll help you a lot. From what I know about you and from reading your blogs I can see that it does help you!!” I was talking to her for a few minutes and while I wasn’t feeling completely better I did feel a bit back to my usual self. So while we were talking I started smiling a lot more because I just always do when I’m around Jodi. She noticed how much more I was smiling and said “See I need more of this. You smiling you’re definitely feeling a little better than you were earlier. You being happy and smiling and just knowing that you’re not sad is one of the most important things to me.” Since I can’t express any sort of emotion through crying happy tears are hard for me to do anymore unless I’m laughing profusely.  So had I the ability I would’ve cried all of the happy tears right then and there. She was like “I know this all sounds a bit gay…” This is the first time I’d ever heard her describe something as gay so that just made me laugh because usually I’m the one that would be saying things like this and calling it gay sometimes. I interrupted her before she could say anything else about it. I was like “Awh, maybe it is but it’s really sweet.” I was kind of laughing a bit while she had been saying everything and she goes “You’re laughing because you think this is just some drunk thing, like it’s actually not I’m no where near being at that stage yet I want to be but I’m not. Look everyone who’s here cares about you and we will help you with anything. Now let’s try and make this night better for you.” I just hugged her as soon as she finished talking. Internally I was so emotional that I just couldn’t express it externally other than a hug being like “thank you.” This ladies and gentleman is why she will make the perfect Welfare officer for the 2017/2018 IT Tralee SU. She cares so much about everyone. I was watching a video of someone explaining what being Welfare officer means and one of the things they said was to be someone who is easily approachable. I never talked to Jodi much last semester. I was sitting in on a radio show and she was on it one day and I could not stop laughing and we were on radio so I couldn’t laugh out loud I actually thought I was going to explode trying to quiet laugh but I’m kind of an expert of it at this point. I always thought that only this elite group could be her friends and that she was too cool that any of us first years couldn’t possibly become friends with her. Everyone calls her by the shortened version of her name so whenever I was talking about a funny thing I heard her saying to the other first years, I would look around before saying her name. This was in case any of her friends in the above years heard me because I thought that since I wasn’t friends with her that I couldn’t call her by the shortened name. So this semester when I actually started talking to her when all her 3rd year friends were gone on placement I realised how approachable and easy to talk to she actually is.

So back to BICS, sorry I keep going off track but these things I keep going to need to be said. After I continued to talk to her a bit I went and got some water at the bar and when I walked back over Misty was there I thought she might have been gone to bed. She was flaming though. When she walked away I got a hug from our current SU President and he was “Sandra, you’re great I think you’re just a great person.” While he was hugging me I was looking at Jodi and mouthing “What the fuck?” When he stopped hugging me Jodi went over to me and was like “He never compliments anyone, this is a big deal!” He was looking at her and was just like “What are you telling her? Something bad about me?” She just told him what she said and he just agreed with her. We went outside for a cigarette and I’m not sure when I met the people from the different colleges but I seemed to meet someone new every time I went outside to the smoking area which I knew would happen which is why I made sure I had enough cigarettes for BICS. I only met and started to talk to people from the different colleges  when I was with Jodi. I don’t think I met anyone that time. I think we sat with the societies officer and some other Tralee people. When we finished up Jodi was like “Come on Sandra we’ve got to go dance!!” I look at her very reluctant to go dancing because I don’t dance when I’m sober. Until then!! Why I am I so easily convinced? The first, or one of the first songs that came on was ‘Ugly Heart’ by G.R.L. and I was dancing with Jodi for a a bit of that song and the chorus came on and it goes “Ok you’re pretty, your face is a work of art” so she pretended to like frame my face as if it were a piece of art. Then the next line is “Your smile could light up New York city after dark” She got very excited at that line after talking about me smiling earlier. So she just pointed at me for that line and I had the biggest smile on my face just cause I just thought was so cute and it made me so happy. (Currently listening to that song to bring back all the feels and also to make sure I write the right lyrics down.)

There was a few more songs then I think we went outside for another cigarette and I met a guy from CIT who was lovely. I really liked him. I saw him leaving the next day and he was talking to Jodi while we were walking away and I was like “Byeee” He said bye back. I need to meet more of these other colleges. We went back in and we were dancing to a few songs and then the very beginning of Lush Life by Zara Larsson came on and me and Jodi just looked at each other, because I knew this song really well and obviously she did too. The fact that we both looked at each other when the song came on even though we were a bit away from each other and kind of dancing with other people. She looked at me and was like “This is our song!!” So we have a song now I guess!! The way she was dancing to this song though gives me life, she was so happy dancing to it. Then Cheap Thrills came on and I love that song so I was happy. Also throughout the entire time that we were on the dance floor this guy from one of the other colleges who was really drunk was just dancing around with us and trying to dance with everyone including me. Had I been drunk I would have been fine because I danced with random guys when I was at a nightclub in Limerick like 3 weeks ago when I was drunk. Anyways a committee member from SVP soc helped keep him away from me the whole time because she could tell I didn’t like when he came over to me. If he was next to me she’d move over and go between us and I was dancing with her for a bit like we’d be going back to back and dance to the beat one way and then turn back to each other.

We went outside again and this time Jodi decided to talk to a light. There was this light outside that kept flickering and it eventually turned off an she thought it was a sensor light so she was jumping around in front and waving her hand in front of it. At one point she was crouching down next to it and was asking it to turn on. I have a small video from when she was doing that but I’ll be nice and not include it in here. She did not want to leave the light until it would turn on. When she finally stood back up and walked back to the table, she was facing away from the light and I saw it flash. I told her it flashed and she turned around immediately and ran back to over to the light and then back to me and was like “Sandra are you serious? Don’t joke with me now this is really important!” I told her I wasn’t lying but nothing happened with the light after that so we just left it. We went back in and danced then until the last song. The societies officer hugged me at one point and was like “This is my Best First Year” because that was the name of the in house award I won the week before. After the last song the DJ was packing up and we went outside for another cigarette. We went over to the small kids playground that was outside the front of the hotel with some guys from another college who I didn’t know but I think Jodi did. I think it was at that point we were with the P.R.O. of BICS who was from IT Tallaght. He was amazing I really liked him. We then went looking for rooms where there was parties on in. I can’t remember how the order of things went so I just throw it all together in an order that makes some sense.

The bar in the function room was being closed so we had to move to the other bar and Jodi ended up seeing one of the people she knows from IT Tallaght, also know as the other ITT. This girl comes up a lot in this story but I don’t know how much I’d be writing about her in the future so I don’t want to waste an hour trying to pick a name for her so I’ll call her something I called her early yesterday morning. So for these blogs her name shall be Hedgehog. So I saw Jodi and Hedgehog walk out of the bar but I didn’t follow them straight away because I don’t know how much Jodi had seen of her and thought they might be catching up. I went out shortly after though in the event that she would leave or go outside. I was going out of the bar but they had the door locked so I had to wait for the bar man to open it. When I went out then Jodi was there with some people from Tallaght and I walked over to her and she lightly grabbed my arm and was like “Good you made it out of there.” We started talking to one of the girls from Tallaght who was a member of ITTFM and she was so nice. All the people from Tallaght were so cool, which I hate saying but they were. Anyways she went outside to the playground with Jess, Hedgehog and I where she went on the normal swing and Hedgehog tried sitting and swinging on the baby swing. I think the guy from CIT was with us again. Jodi and I just sat down on a wooden stand which she thought was covering like a hole into the ground and thought she’d fall through. Hedgehog was talking about I think at Congress how she was telling everyone she went to China, this came up a few more times in the night. We were outside for a bit and then we went upstairs to Jodi’s room because her and who she was staying with, our current Welfare officer, wanted to change their clothes. I met another person I believe she was also from Tallaght. I don’t know much about her other than her name and the fact that she’s a lesbian. She was also lovely though.

We were going up to the 3rd floor to go to one of the rooms that there was a party on in. I thought since it was a bigger room that there would be a load of people in there so I went back to my room which was on the same floor. I put on my hoodie thought about it again and walked back to the room that the party was in. I was knocking on the door for a little bit I could hear people that I knew talking and laughing and when the door eventually was opened the first thing I saw was our current SU President pointing a hair dryer at his crotch because he had spilled something on it. I walked in and he pointed the hair dryer then at my head and was like “New hairstyle” I just stood there while my hair went all over the place. We left that “party” and walked downstairs and I was complaining about someone who I thought was vile and I just don’t like him and he was trying to get with everyone. Our SU President was like, “what you don’t like him? I don’t think he’s that bad.” I said “I just think he’s too forward.” Then he says “With your make-up like that and what you just said you remind me of a character from and animated movie and I can’t tell you because it might offend you.” He never told me but I did get out of him that the film was Inside Out and the only character I think he could be talking about would be Disgust because she wears make-up and I was pretty much saying how disgusting I find that guy.

I really can’t remember what happened next but eventually Jodi, Hedgehog, our  current Welfare officer and I went up to Jodi’s room and stayed talking for a few hours. I didn’t do much talking I just sat there and listened which I did a lot. I think that’s what I was doing all day really because I just wanted to listen to people talk about their societies, their colleges and hear their opinions on student politics. I’ve started to find all this student politics stuff so interesting and I think a protest is coming up shortly and I’m really excited to see what being a part of a protest is like if I can be a part of it. Anyways while we were in their hotel room they were all lying on the bed and I just sat at the end because there was no room but that was fine. They were talking about all kinds of things like about Tallaght and then about some stuff from Congress and some people in student union’s and how they should be focused on the interests of the students instead of their own personal gain. At one point Hedgehog went off on this big long speech about student politics and it was so interesting and easy to listen to even when I had been up for just over 24 hours. At one point while they were talking, I started to feel really tired and my eyes kept closing. So Jodi eventually saw me and was like “Sandra don’t fall asleep, go to bed” I replied with no and sat up a little and after that I was a little more awake. I felt like when I was a kid and I wanted to stay up late past my bedtime and just hear all the grown ups talking! At one point too Jodi was just like “Can we all just take a minute to appreciate Sandra, and how even though she went up to her room and felt like she was having a terrible night she made it back downstairs and had a great time.” Hedgehog was like “Yay Sandra!!” Jodi said “I’m so happy that you went back downstairs I would hate to you to go away from BICS and only think negatively of it! You went out there and you had fun because I made you!” I was like “Yes Jodi, I had a great night and it really is all thanks to you!” Breakfast was starting to be served at half 6 and we were up for so long talking that we decided we would get breakfast and then take a nap. There was a lot of stuff to choose from for breakfast to be fair. I got two slices of toast and two sausages. I ate one of each which for me isn’t bad because I never have breakfast and I went off sausages a couple of years ago. I also got a mini chocolate muffin as a reward to myself for my attempt at eating breakfast but I didn’t eat that until after my nap. While we were having breakfast Jodi had mushrooms. Right so she stuck her fork into one of the one of them picked it up and looked at it and her plate and said “There’s not mush room left on this plate for more food.” I put my head in my hand and was like “For fuck sake” and I just started laughing. She spent like the entire time we were down there just kind of laughing at her food for no reason I think it was the drunkenness from the night catching up with her. We went out for a cigarette after breakfast. Something that Hedgehog had been on about in all the talking back in the room was how she didn’t get a hoodie like the rest of the people from her college because they never ordered her one. She mentioned this a couple of times. So while we outside Jodi was like “I heard you didn’t get a hoodie.” Then before she could get to it I was like “Hey I heard you were in China.” That made Jodi laugh she was like “Yes she’s learning, I was going to make a joke about that!” Jodi then said something about Hedgehog’s hair feeling prickly and said it was like a cactus but I instead said she was like a hedgehog, hence where her name in these blogs has come from. I think Jodi laughed and Hedgehog was like “That hurt. Sandra I really thought we were going to become friends.” I know she was saying it as a joke but what’s wrong with hedgehogs their actually really cute as was she. Also Sonic the Hedgehog is one of my favourite video game characters, I mean come on people!! I remembered one of the theme songs for one of the Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons and I replaced Sonic’s name with her actual name and sang the song it just makes me happy.

We went back inside and Hedgehog went back with Jodi to her room and I decided I would go back to my room because I hadn’t been there for a long time and I knew the two people I was staying with were there. I walked in and our societies officer woke and was like “Is that you Sandra?” Bear in mind it was 8am and they had no clue where I was and they last saw me over 4 hours before that. I think I slept for about an hour. Luckily everyone started getting up because they were going to the pool which was good for me because it gave me time to pack and get dressed because I stayed in my dress the whole night and wore it to breakfast. When we were checking out of the hotel all of us who were left went over to the playground and took a group picture of us all wearing college societies hoodies we got especially for BICS. ITT Societies Group Photo BICS Awards Going Home

Also something I wanted to mention was that Jodi said at breakfast and earlier on in a conversation that me and a girl from a different society were trying to follow in her footsteps and do what she does. I said “I’m doing better though right?” I actually thought that I was and expected to get affirmation about it. She said “Well no not really, I mean she wants to work in the societies office next year.” Like hello?? She has work placement next year, I don’t. Of course I want to work in the office when it’s my work placement year. Also as much as I have started to become like her a bit. One thing being in my speech how I’ve started saying “Girl” and I think after spending so many hours with her at BICS I’ve started saying “Rage!” Also I’ve started saying for fuck sake in the very Kerry way she says it. There is still a lot of things different about me, somethings lovable, some not. If I got to be too like her I doubt she’d hang out with me because nobody likes a complete copy cat.  Also today I was in Tesco and I was wearing my college socs hoodie from BICS and I heard someone go “Nice hoodie Sandra.” I didn’t recognise the voice straight away so I was turning around and saying thanks and when I saw who it was I froze for a second. Then I had a huge smile on my face and ran and hugged her. It was one of the 3rd years who’s been on work placement who I hadn’t seen since the start of February. I’ve literally being saying for the last like 2 weeks that I missed her and then she just appears today. She was asking me about BICS because she had been there the year before. I gave a brief thing about how it went. Found out that she’ll be in Killarney for the summer she just needs to find a place to stay but it means I’ll be seeing her around. Now all I’ve got to do is to find a job!!

Clubs and Societies Ball 2016

After what had been a shitty week I had low expectations for the Clubs and Socs Ball. I wanted to go but at the same time I was nervous and anxious about how it was going to go. There was a lot of people I knew who weren’t going and I assumed that the people that I did know would be going would be too busy or preoccupied with other people to hang out with me. I didn’t finish college until half 4 and then I had to walk down to Dexter’s house where I was staying. I had about an hour to get ready which was enough because I had my eye makeup already done, it took me nearly a half an hour and I was only putting on eyeliner and mascara. So all I had to do was put on my dress, jewelry,heels, foundation and fix my hair which I had in a bun all day so that my hair would be wavy.  When I got dressed I went into Dexter’s room to hang out with him and his girlfriend and “pre-drink” (if you can even call it that).  He poured us a Jameson and coke each while we waited for the taxi to take us down to where the bus was picking us up to bring us to the hotel. He was pretty much the only one who enjoyed the drink, so he was savoring it and slowly drinking whereas his girlfriend and I drank them a bit quicker just to get rid of them. Also while we were drinking we each had a brownie because his girlfriend went and baked them for him. They were so nice I kind of wanted to steal the box of them and have the rest for myself but alas I didn’t.

I don’t know Tralee all that well for someone who has been going there as one of my family days out over summer for the last 10+ years. I think after that bus ride I probably know where everything is now. That driver just decided to take us on a fucking tour of the town. I get people like to see the scenic root but what was that like? Just like the Debs I had to be on the delayed bus!! I’ll probably be making a lot of references to the Debs. I remember while I was on the bus why I was so happy I went to an all-girls secondary school. What was the need for the yelling? There wasn’t even that many people on the bus, there was no need for it. Also the beer bottle being practically flung from the back to near the front of the bus was awful. I get pre-drinks at this stage but bring anything on that bus was really a waste of time. They wouldn’t be able to bring it inside with them and surely it just made it more awkward for them that they had to carry that shit to the bus. I was sitting with one of the girls from M.A.G. soc (That’s Manga, Anime and Gaming, or due to a misspelling they could also be known as The Mange Society.) She was really nice and she talks a lot so the bus ride wasn’t awkward. While we were on the bus Dexter gave me the ring from a keyring which he had taken off Jodi earlier in the day. She was wearing hers as a ring and so was I just because I didn’t want to lose it. I haven’t taken it off for all that long yet, not for any particular reason other than it actually fits my finger so well. I love rings, especially silver ones, and while I don’t know how long this will stay silver. It looks normal so I just got a free ring! We get there and we have to walk up a huge set of stairs to get up to the hotel. I was in heels and not feeling completely steady after the whiskey. I wasn’t drunk just whenever I have my first drink it like a switch gets turned on in my brain that changes how I see things, how I feel and how I act and then with every drink after that my the result of that switch effect gets more skewed and I’m likely to act like a completely different person. I like her I think she’s fun, still awkward but fun!

So when we eventually got inside everyone was in the bar section as we weren’t being let up to the function room yet. So we got a drink and joined some of the other people we knew who were there already. Some from 2nd year of my course and some from 2nd year Music Tech. I didn’t have to buy that drink because my friend bought it for me to celebrate my award that I got Tuesday!! I never have any reason to be celebrated, so I didn’t put up much of a fight being like “oh no you don’t have to it’s fine” and I just let him buy. I got a pint of Orchard Thieves, it’s starting to become a drink I like to have at least once on a night out. It gets me drunk really fast though. Also this was before the meal so all I had in my system was the brownie and a wrap I had at lunch at like 1 o’clock. One of the girls from Music Tech. was asking what I was going to drink for the night and I said Captain Morgans (obviously like). She was at the 21st party that I was at back in February and she was like “I recall you at the 21st drinking that and making a mad dash to the dance floor.” I said “Don’t worry that won’t be happening tonight. I’m wearing heels so there won’t be any dancing from me!!” We were there for a bit and the cider hit me straight away. I was still ok but it did have a little bit of an affect on me. Jodi had been there for a while but she started making her way over to us because she was going around saying hi to all the people she knew. She made me stand up so she could get a good look at my outfit.  There was then a dinner bell to let everyone that they could start making their way upstairs to the function room. So there was a load of crowded by a door before the stairs where we were handing in our tickets. This was probably the most anxious I felt during the night. There was a lot of people and I just started to feel an anxiety attack kind of starting to happen, just a little bit though. I was through the door soon enough that the anxiety did ease a little. We got upstairs and we got a table with all people I knew and got along with so I was happy.

Ok so you would think that being in college that the lads would have matured since being at the Debs right? Hahaha nope they’re still just as rowdy and unnecessarily loud as they always have been.. We were sitting down and we ordered our food but you know at these things they take ages to bring out the starters, like it’s to be expected and I don’t mind the wait. These lads though decided to bang their hands on the tables and sing songs like the Rattlin’ Bog and other Irish songs because they wanted their food quicker. Last time I hit the table because I wanted my food, I was in a highchair. That part of the night made me anxious too because you never know if someone is going to take it too far and make even more of a scene. So I was sitting there in constant fear that something would happening. There was a slideshow of photos of what has happened in the sports and socs since last years’ ball. I think I was in like 3 pictures which seemed like a lot because it wasn’t a very long slideshow. The food was alright I wasn’t crazy about it but I ate enough of it. For some reason they closed the bar while the meal was on so pretty much everyone was drinking water. Some of the guys at my table started downing the water in the small glasses we had. Also getting salt and sugar poured into it just beforehand and still having to down it. When the meal finished there was a few speeches and they announced Society of the Year and Society Person of the Year. My society didn’t win any of these awards which was disappointing but we knew that the winners really deserved to get the award. All the committee members for the Society of the Year got these glass trophies that looked unreal. I saw them up close later and I was like “Fuck”. It would have been nice if we won.

After all that was over the bar finally opened and there was a singer there to fill in the space of time from the speeches to the band setting up. The smoking area had been opened too my table was very close to it. So when Jodi was going out for a cigarette I went out and had one too. Then when we were walking back inside and we went over to my table she said that we could join her over at the VIP table because everyone was moving around anyways. When we were outside she was mentioning about being at VIP table and I’ve been thinking about a joke for that over the past couple of days and thought that would be the opportune time to say it. So I went like “Yeah VIP-Vagina Inspector Person” Legit don’t think this is all that funny but her face when I said was just hilarious. She responded with “Wow okay no. We are not ever going to call it that.” So I went over with her to her table and we listened to the singer play his couple few songs and he was singing Zombie at one point. So our current Students Union VP of Education started doing literal moves to the lyrics and we were all sitting down including him but whenever it said “zombie” in the chorus he would just stand up and pretend to be a zombie with his arms out in front of him. When the singer finished playing, the band were doing their sound check for ages so while they were doing that Jodi decided she would go change into her flat shoes in preparation to dance because the band was supposed to be “veeeryy goood”! She had a room in the hotel that the Ball was on in so I went with her to her room. The room was huge there was two single beds and a double bed and it was just 2 of them staying there like. We had a few drinks while we were there. I had two Vodka’s with Rock Shandy. I could be wrong but I think we were there for like an hour. It felt like we were there for a really long time. We were just talking the whole time mostly about next Thursday’s BICS Awards and USI Congress that was on two weeks ago. We were also talking about the society and I said I wasn’t sure about how everything would go next year when the two lads in my class will take over. She said they mightn’t get voted in but I asked who else is there it’s not like there’s anyone else. She looked at me and was like “What are you a cardboard box?” Like I could ever run a society, I can just about do my current job. She was staying with our college’s Societies Officer and while we were in the room she came in twice. The first time she was only in there for a few minutes getting a can of Bulmers or something. Then the next time she was like “Alright come on get out there and socialise!!” So we decided to leave and go back upstairs with her. We were walking in and Jodi goes “Should we go to the bar first? We should go to the bar!!” The band were playing though and she wanted to dance which she was into for like a minute and then she goes “Bar?” When we got there she was asking what we were drinking and I said Captain Morgans. So we got that and mixed it with Mi Wadi because it was cheaper, like it only cost €3 for that drink like which is insane because I usually spend like €7 when I’m getting it. I was very adamant about buying the drinks she was like “No it’s fine I’ve got money.” and I was like “Yeah well I’ve got money too I’ll pay for it.” So while I was getting our two Captain Morgans she bought us 2 Apple Sourz shots. I never had them before so I looked at them and I said “What are these and why did you get me one?” Jodi pushed it towards me and said “They’re Apple Sourz and you are having one!!” It was alright, it wasn’t amazing but it wasn’t awful either. We went dancing for a bit then I think out for a cigarette and back to the bar. When we went out that time I had just opened my new box of strawberry cigarettes and convinced her to take one because I knew she liked them and she didn’t have any. This cycle of dancing to smoking to going to bar happened for the rest of the night so about 3 more times I think.

The chairperson of the Music society bought us drinks at one point and the same drinks we got earlier but this time when I had my shot of the Apple Sourz I thought I was going to get sick immediately. I was fine but I told Jodi there’s no way I’m having any more of them. Next time we went to buy drinks I think we just got our Captain Morgans and orange and Jodi had ordered them and while she was taking out her money the drinks were put down in front of us and I had my money already out so I paid instead. She looked at me and was like “Why did you do you that?”  Next round of drinks I paid for again I think but this time she decided to get us more shots but this time it was Jager. The colour of it made me worry about what it was and when she said it was Jager. I looked at her and said “What the fuck? Why?” and in the lead up to me actually drinking the shot I was like “I hate you”. She was like “I know I hate me too. I hate my ideas they’re never good.” While I have a very limited knowledge as to what both taste like, I’ve concluded that Jager tastes like cough syrup.

When the night was over we were walking out of the hotel and I realised that I didn’t have my phone or my cigarettes. So I told Dexter that I had neither of them and he was like “Will you forget about the damn cigarettes!!” He then went inside to go looking for my phone and the our other friend came out and he rang my phone and a guy answered it. He knew the guy so he went and found him and got it back for me.The buses were coming to collect us around 3 and we went outside because we were told that they were out there. So we walked down that large set of stairs only to be told that the buses were going to be another 20 minutes or so. However before we told that we standing around down there and I could hardly stand. I was literally just standing there and I would start to lose balance and start falling over, I never actually fell though but I looked so stupid just trying to find my balance. We then went back up the stairs to wait for the buses. There was some people outside and a few were inside. There was two seats just near the edge of the footpath and Jodi and I sat down there. I didn’t notice her get up and leave but I was left there for a good couple of minutes. I had my head in my hand and I was falling asleep and eventually Dexter came up to me and was like “Sandra!!” I don’t think I was startled so I don’t think I jumped but I was really confused about where I was for a couple of minutes. He asked if I was alright and I said I was fine and asked where Jodi and everyone else had gone. He told me “She’s inside with the rest of them but you’re not going in there!!” and I was like “Yeah I am I’ll go in there now, I don’t want to stay out here!”. He said “Do you want her to see you like this?”

“Like what? I’m fine just a little drunk.”

“You can barely stand and you’re falling all over the place. I don’t want you to embarrass yourself!” He then left me and went walking back inside. I stood up and followed him inside because I could see everyone inside. Literally I walked in, went straight over to Jodi,who was sitting down the away from the door, and hugged her. She was like “Is this Sandra?” and I responded with “Yes it is!” I have a feeling she said something else too then after that but I was really drunk so I honestly can’t remember what she said and I just stayed hugging her for ages until we were told that the buses had just showed up. So I walked down the stairs again!! Jodi gave me a hug and said to be careful. I got on the bus and I sat at the back and was talking to my friend from 2nd year and then he moved up a bit up to where Dexter and his girlfriend were. I started falling asleep and had my head against the window and my head kept banging off it and I just let it keep hitting off it because it didn’t hurt. I felt like I was fairly asleep when Dexter called back to me and said we were at our stop. We had to walk up a bit then to his house but that didn’t take too long. Dexter made us all tea when we got in. I had about two sips of it because it was too hot. I brought it to the room I was staying in but I was out like a light once my head hit the pillow so I never drank my tea.It was around 20 to 4 when we got in and I think about 4 when I got into bed.

I had class this morning at 11 and I was planning to get up at half 9. I had my phone on silent so I didn’t hear any of my parents attempts to contact me and wake me up. I woke up at 10:35am so I just got ready and walked to college and I made it into class just in time. I stayed in college then until the bus showed up at quarter past 4. I wasn’t hungover at all. Although I feel really weird mentally the day after being out. Everything still seems a bit blurry, I’m very slow at doing things and I feel like, similar to drunk me, I would probably say every single thing that’s on my mind no matter how awkward or embarrassing it might be. I was also shaking all day, my hands had a shake in them. Another affect of drinking!! I went over to see how Jodi was, and she had just gotten sick. I felt really bad because she asked me how I was and I was like “I’m fine like”. She was like “I hate you right now”. I didn’t really get much work done. I just played guitar in the studio for a bit. I saw Jodi again later before I left and she gave me a hug and said have a good weekend. I said I wouldn’t because weekends are usually shit. I have so much work to do over the weekend and during the next couple of weeks. This might be better because the reason my weekends usually aren’t good are because I hate that I’m not at college with people but since I have all this work to do my mind should be occupied!!

Anxiety Attacks Take 2

Well this has been a shit week. Nothing bad has actually happened, just that my mental health has taken a turn for the worst and I don’t know why. I wish that I did know why so that maybe I could try and fix it but alas I don’t have that luxury. This theme of anxiety attacks was not meant to become a series but apparently they’re still happening, who would had thought that huh??

I don’t know what my problem was on Monday, I was just very depressed and full of self loathing. I could not find anything good about myself. Which in turn made me very negative for the day and that’s a bit off putting for people. No one wants to hang out with a negative person. I weighed myself Sunday night and girl I gained so much weight over Easter like. Well not really as my weight tends to fluctuate ranging about a 5 kg difference from the lightest I tend to be to my current weight. Usually my weight doesn’t bother me all that much like it’s obvious I’m not skinny. It’s just with the Clubs and Socs Ball on tomorrow and the BICS Awards on next week I would like to feel good about how I look for once. I didn’t eat while I was at college on Monday. I just drank coffee all day and smoked a few cigarettes in an attempt to suppress my hunger so I wouldn’t feel as starved as I usually do when I don’t eat. I did eat a Kinder Bueno later on though and I did have a supper when I got home, so I wasn’t too bad. I would have felt worse about myself had I eaten any more than that on Monday. I only had the chocolate bar because I had enough change left over for it and I just needed energy and I thought that it would help. I was with my friends all day in college and I started my morning off with a hug from my favourite person in college, you’d think that would have been enough to make my day good but for the first time ever it just wasn’t! I spent some of the evening in the radio studio with two of the committee members, Dexter and Misty. We were going through filling out forms for BICS. I was in kind of a bitchy mood but I just sat there most of the time not really saying much.

Tuesday really should have been a better day, yet I just couldn’t enjoy it. The day started out fine I had a half an hour of my 1st class which started at 10 and then my second went really quickly because I was just editing one of my video projects for college and I love video editing. I spent a lot of time over in the Societies Office for no reason really. I like being over there but I should probably stop because I feel like it’s starting to get annoying for them. In the evening the Clubs and Societies In-House Awards were on. So when I was in the Societies Office I got to see the running order of the awards and where my societies awards would be coming up. Earlier on in the day, however, during lunch I was told that I would be awarded the ‘Best First Year Student’ society award. I wasn’t supposed to know, it was meant to be a surprise that my name would be called out and I would have no idea. I had been talking to Jodi who is working with the societies officer saying that I was happy I already knew about the awards that Bang FM would be getting because otherwise I’d have a panic attack. She was like “Oh right yeah sure isn’t it great you know so.” She went to start work and said to the societies officer that they would have to tell me before hand because of that. I was really happy but it was just hard to be excited when I knew that I would have to go up BY MYSELF and accept an award. It’s like one of my worst nightmares. The line-up for the awards too had one awards then a few other awards for other socs, then our second award followed straight away by my award. Luckily because I knew this before hand I was able to sort this out. So I went up for the Publicity Campaign Award but I didn’t go up for the Mental Health one so I was walking up to collect my award when my fellow committee members were walked down from getting our second award. I was shaking a lot walking up and walking down to get my award, and I was really surprised that I didn’t trip or fall over. As soon as I sat back down though I put my head in my hands because I just needed to cover my face because of how much I didn’t like being up there. The awards were followed by a free buffet thing an you could get tea and coffee. All I got was a coffee, I had eaten lunch yesterday so I did have more than just coffee. I stayed in the room with everyone else until I finished my coffee and then went back into the radio studio because there was too many people and I was starting to feel anxious.  One of the committee members was already in the studio talking on the phone, so I just sat down and started looking at Facebook on my phone. When she finished talking on the phone she was like “Okay do you want to go back out there?” and I was like “No I think I’ll stay here I didn’t like being in there!” So she hugged me and was like “Okay you can stay here if you rather that, you don’t have to go back. Do you want me to get you another coffee or something?” I said I was fine and she asked again and I refused again. She said she come back soon and check up on me. The rest of the committee came back to the radio studio not too long after that and started taking pictures with all of the awards that our society received. Then I got a drive down to the bus station and I met my mom when I got back to Killarney and went to McDonalds before getting a taxi. See that wasn’t really a bad day, yet everything was just off. I was talking to one of the lads in my class about horoscopes and he decided to make up one for me for yesterday. He said “Someone will say something that may seem like this small thing but you will dwell on it from that point on and won’t be able to stop thinking about it.” I eventually had that moment and I’ve even spent a lot of today thinking about it. I won’t go into proper detail about it but it was just someone had told me that they weren’t probably weren’t going to do something. Yet they were talking to someone else later about it and said that they would definitely do that thing. We think it’s because they wanted to spare my feelings but either way it made me feel weird. Like why couldn’t she tell me?  I know she’s known them longer but I still don’t get why.

Today was the day I lost it. I went to my 2 hour practical from 9-11am and that went well. I then went downstairs and decided that I wouldn’t go to my 1 hour lecture because I was starting to feel a bit anxious about nothing. So while I was off I went over to the societies office and brought over some money that Dexter owed for a ticket to the Clubs and Socs Ball. I was there for a while but I didn’t really talk much, I just needed to escape the radio studio. All I’ve heard for the last 3 days is talks about wrestling and hearing all the entrance songs for the wrestlers and I can only take a small amount of listening to discussions on that topic. On my way back in from the societies office, the recreational block of the college where the Students Union is, was fairly crowded because it was 2 o’clock and a lot of people were around for lunch and were then on their way to classes. I kind of freaked out and a bit panicky because it caught me off guard a little bit as there is never really that many people around and I was on my way in to go to class. I really was planning on going to this class and all too. I walked back into the radio studio to see some 2nd years and some lads from my class messing with another 2nd years’ Facebook page by posting ridiculous statuses. One of the lads from my class locked the door in the event that that 2nd year was on his way in. I stayed for a few minutes and then really needed to go to class so I got up and because I was still in that panicky mode. So when I was trying to walk out of the studio, I tried to open it, remembered that it was locked. I tried to unlock but ending up just turning the lock more in the wrong way and thus it stayed locked. I got frustrated and yelled at the guy who had locked it to open it again. I sat down on one of the chairs in the studio and nearly hit my head off the wall. (A carpeted wall, not like a brick wall or anything.) One of the 2nd years Misty was like “Sandra are you okay? What’s wrong?” I replied that I didn’t know and she just told me to breathe and then brought me into the other studio. She talked to me for a bit and calmed me down and just kept telling me to breathe. I nearly thought I was going to cry at one point like I was seriously freaking the fuck out. We then went to get tea/coffee. To say that I’m thankful to her would be a bit of an understatement!! I am beyond grateful. She was so fucking patient with me and she is actually someone who gets it because she also has anxiety. I just felt so mentally drained that I just could not go to my class. I just stayed around the studio. Jodi came in later and I went out with her for a coffee and a cigarette.(Also Dexter if you’re reading this which you easily might be at some point, I know you were trying to catch me smoking and your attempt failed hahaha. I know you’re only looking out for me though and I do appreciate that!) Then we went and sat down on the really soft red couches in the SU that are usually occupied throughout the day. I’ve pretty much been shaking all day since that has happened and I’ve been like just sitting at this desk for the last 2 hours just shrinking into myself whenever someone walked in or when I was recounting the details from my anxiety attack.

It’s strange that I’m writing so close to the time that it happened. Usually I let the feelings sink in for a couple of days, at least a good couple hours, before I start writing about everything. This is a good therapy tool though. I get to vent without even have to say anything because everyone is stressed and worried already about things that are going on in their lives that they’re not really as interested to listen to you telling them why you’re feeling bad. At least this way I feel like someone, somewhere is listening. Like actually willingly listening and not just being polite. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to handle the BICS Awards. There is going to be so many people there but thank God I’ll be with people I know from the society. I am excited but also nervous.