Evoked Emotions From An Empty Heart.

As I sit in silence in my isolated bedroom,
I am surrounded by darkness.
The room is only lit up by the light of the computer screen.
How depressing this must seem.

I, a girl of youth, up 'til all hours, online.
I should be well-rested.
I should wake up early and happy.
I should be energetic and excited.

I should do a lot of things.
Alas, I don't do them. 
Every moment is fleeting.
I waste time, I waste everything.

I often ponder what the world would be like without me.
Surely it would not be much different.
Perhaps a little more cheery and positive,
As I do nothing but spread negativity.

I am greedy.
I am never happy with what I have.
Or,at least, not until recently.
You see, I found a kindred spirit.

I don't know if she is real.
She must be, as my imagination is limited.
Writing is my only creative path.
She makes me question reality.

Happiness is very rare for me.
I am not a happy person.
I can act happy.
I have always been told I could never be an actor.

All because I act happy.
I do it with such conviction they believe it to be true.
My happy demeanor, is not serious and thus I lack discipline.
I am told I would laugh at the call of action.

Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't.
She makes me believe I could do anything.
She thinks I am intelligent.
She has too much faith in this waster.

I feel as though I don't act around her.
I forget my woes, I forget life is happening.
Time freezes and my heart softens.
Contrasting the constant tense,clenched feeling of my constrained heart.

Sometimes emotional anguish can take physical form.
My heart hurts in more ways than one.
One day it will stop,
Maybe then I can rest.
 
Love makes people crazy.
But what if you're already crazy?
I love people too much.
I am crazy.

Have you ever wanted to hug someone,
Hug them so tight, that you make them feel your love?
What reaction would this cause?
A sympathetic almost equal hug back.

Love is never equal.
One always cares more than the other.
I am always that one.
One left alone with a teddy and a wish.

I wish to be loved and hugged tightly with such love,
But a teddy will never hug back.
Will my wish ever come true?
Am I stuck in a perpetuating cycle of despair?

She makes my wish seem possible.
I push her away.
I push everyone away.
I know she will start to pull away.

She will grow tired of me.
I am tired of me.
If you looked inside my brain,
You would see how exhausting it is to be me.

Each day I consider to be my last.
I got up today,
Will I get up tomorrow?
Do I have reason to?

Even if I did, 
I need to reason with myself.
"This reason is reason enough,
I need to get out of bed."

Existing is exhausting.
I exist, I live, I breathe.
I love, I hate, I break.
A lot goes on in the mind of the quiet.

A lot goes on in the mind of the loud.
The quiet hears their brain yelling.
The loud hears an eerie whisper that echoes,
Echoing until the loud listens.

Even in the most isolated,silenced of places,
It will never be quiet.
You are never truly alone.
Your thoughts accompany you everywhere.

Thinking,thinking, and then what?
Why won't the thought translate itself?
Thoughts are peculiar!
We can think about something, but not talk about it.

The thought can't be put into words.
"What's wrong with you?"
The thought is there but you can't explain it.
Nobody knows how to explain it.

You try to force the changing of a thought into speech,
You stutter and stammer until you find a seemingly appropriate word.
It's still not right, 
But what ever is?








It’s Been A Year!!

Well it’s been a year. I’ve been out of my rainbow coloured closet for a year (At least to everyone that is not a member of my family). I remember when I wrote my comment under a Facebook post that was urging us to vote No in the Marriage Equality Referendum. I just got so angry at the post, I got so angry at anyone promoting the No side. I couldn’t vote so all I could possibly do was encourage people to make the right decision like getting my dad to vote Yes because he was undecided and he knew how strongly I wanted the Yes vote to win.
When I wrote my comment, it was the second day of a back and forth comment war from both the Yes and the No sides. The Yes side in this consisting of all my friends, some of which are gay or bi, others are straight allies. All their comments made me feel less angry and made me feel really empowered to do something. I know I’m a quiet person usually but I couldn’t sit there in silence anymore. I know I still didn’t say anything and I was technically still quiet but shut up I’m trying to make a point. If anything it probably made it more personal that I wrote it and I know I would have messed it up had it not been typed. My social and verbal skills do not equate my written skills. I spent two hours writing my comment that Sunday before I posted it at nearly 3pm. I pressed the enter key and nearly shut my laptop screen while I buried my face in a pillow and screamed. Typical coming out right? I started crying and was shaking in fear at the onslaught of negativity that I could have possibly received. Which makes no sense because everyone has always been accepting of my friends why would I be treated any differently? To be fair I have a fairly low self worth so that probably attributes to my fear.
When I got the first notification on my post I jumped at the sound of it. I was still shaking as I opened up my laptop and looked to see what I had gotten notified about. I think it was a like and then another like and then another. Soon positive comments started popping up. Again I was in tears instead this time they were happy tears and I couldn’t believe it. The positive response, all the likes my essay of a comment got, but mostly the fact that I was coming out. Sure I thought when I was in 2nd year I might like girls but I just ignored it. I had no reason to be thinking about it because who would date me? So from then on unknowingly to myself I spent ALL of my spare and study time watching films,TV shows, YouTube videos with characters or real life people who were proud to be gay or else for the characters they were insinuations that they might be gay. From 2012 to 2014 I didn’t relate it to myself until one day at the end of 2014, when I was in 5th year, I started watching this couple, Rose and Rosie. They seemed so happy together and I wanted something like what they had. I started to think more about myself and realised that I like girls. Ultimately I find them more attractive, I’m more comfortable to be around them and frankly I can’t imagine myself dating a guy.
When I came out last year, I came out as questioning and mentioning that at some point in the future I would come out as gay or bisexual. As everyone should know at this point, it’s okay if you don’t, sexuality is fluid. You are probably more familiar with hearing that gender is fluid but sexuality can be too even though it is a completely separate thing to gender. Throughout this past year I’ve identified as gay, then once entering college I was bisexual because I got shocked that guys could actually be nice to me something of which I rarely experienced in my life prior to college. I didn’t like telling people I was bi though and as a result only ever used that label to like 2 people. Bisexuality is a really real sexuality and it should be respected just as much as every other letter and in the LGBTQIA+ community. I felt that I was lying saying that I identified as bi and I felt like I was tarnishing the label. For me it was part of my questioning state but it’s not like that for everyone. People are Bi, it’s not just a phase. They’re not being picky or indecisive. In those months where I questioned or not whether I was Bi, I learned a load about it. I will fight anyone that gives into this whole thing of Bi erasure. Why the fuck can’t someone actually be Bi? Why must one like one gender and one gender only? What do you find so difficult to comprehend about Bisexuality that you choose to ignore it’s legitimacy?? I will literally fight you, you biphobic fucking asshole. The same goes for any homophobic people and all that jazz but people are far more aware of homophobia than they are of biphobia. (Probably because biphobia tends to be more prominent within the LGBT+ community!!)
I think I feel even more strongly about it because of the way I currently identify myself which is as a homo-romantic asexual. I experience romantic attraction towards the same gender as myself, which is female (I AM A GIRL!!) However I experience zero sexual attraction towards any gender but more particularly males. I feel so strongly about Bisexuals getting the respect and validation that they deserve, because Asexuals don’t really have that at all. There is arguments that Asexuals shouldn’t even be part of the LBGT+ community because of their lack of sexual attraction. It seems like most people find asexuality hard to understand. “Isn’t that what we learned about in Biology? You know where you have the one strawberry and it’s able to create more strawberries on it’s own without the need for any other strawberry?” Yes you are right but that’s in relation to plants. We are humans we function slightly differently. We can’t yet reproduce without two parties being involved. Due to what people learn in Biology they think that all an asexual cares about is themselves. They don’t want someone else because they are only attracted to themselves. What you’re thinking of is known as an Autosexual!! I for one cannot look at myself in the mirror for more than the time it takes to brush my teeth and put on my make up in the morning. I’m pretty sure I hate myself and am not attracted to myself in the slightest. Another thing, which is said a lot in regard to anyone with a different sexuality to the “norm”,  “Oh you just haven’t met the right person yet to satisfy your needs!” Girl my only needs are my bed, films and ice cream, fuck you trying to tell me that sex should be on that list. I don’t want to have sex EVER!! I don’t have the same sexual urges as “most” people do. I don’t like hearing about people’s sex lives. Sexual innuendos and jokes are too much for me half the time. Nobody gets that though so instead of fighting them about it I will either stay quiet or walk out of the room so I don’t have to listen anymore. Sometimes I do find them funny. Sometimes I even make these jokes. I do find them funny sometimes when I say them but other times it’s because I know someone else would find them funny and my mind can pick these things out but I just doesn’t understand what’s funny about them sometimes.  There is points were a joke that maybe started out funny goes too far and if anyone actually looked at me when I’m in the room when that happens I will look physically uncomfortable. I’m supposed to be listening to the person so it would be rude if I put my hands over my ears. There may be too many people in the way for me to escape the situation so therefore I might be forced to just sit there until it’s over. I’m not entirely sex-repulsed there are people who would be a lot worse than me. The world needs to stop with this idea that everyone must want to have sex and those that say they don’t are either lying or are weird. Someone once said to me when I mentioned asexuality “I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone, they’re missing out so much that’s such a horrible thing to be.” Bear in mind this is that creep who harassed me on the bus. The thing is though, he’s not the only one who thinks like that. Believe me we’re not missing out.  You just think that because you don’t know what it’s like not to have a sexual attraction towards someone.
In relation to my sexuality over the past year, I don’t think anything has really changed. I pretty much knew I was asexual this time last year but I didn’t want to accept it. I’ve only accepted it over the past few months. I do think it’s funny how, while I still haven’t come out to my parents I am more than willing to tell anyone else that I’m gay. Also how comfortable I am about making jokes about me being gay in college because I know all bar one have no problem with my sexuality.  Also I had a dream last night and for most of this morning about me dating a girl and I was so happy. It was one of the best dreams I’ve had in a while. It was like the start of the next college year so she went with me to college for my first week because she wasn’t starting for another few weeks. However anytime I had to go to class, which was a lot, I had to leave her in the radio studio. Anytime I would come back I would kiss her on the cheek and she always looked really angry at me and was like “NO!! You left me here for the last hour.” It was just that pretend to be angry thing so whenever she would say that I would kiss her on the cheek again just to watch her get more pretend angry and then not being able to do it anymore and starting to smile. Then I woke up and realised I wasn’t in this cute relationship that I had been dreaming about. Sad times!!

Mental Illness Take 5: Relapse

So this blog is a mixture of how my Mental Illness around the time that submissions were due in for 2nd semester. A small bit on how I was feeling back at the end of February but that was covered more in my first Anxiety Attacks blog. The majority of this blog is more recently for all my final submissions and how my depression has been affecting me in my lead up to having to finish up 1st year and not be in college for over 3 months.

(February 27th)First of all don’t panic (that’s my job) I haven’t harmed myself again. Well I did just make a big scratch across my arm to see what would happen. It created a red line that is disappearing quickly enough. However it’s the fact that I wanted to hurt myself. I don’t know what it is over the past number of weeks that has caused to start feeling so anxious again. Yeah some people are making me anxious and fairly angry but they were there before that, why is all of this only affecting me now?

Exam results I guess were one thing that I was very on edge about because I thought I failed two of them, luckily I didn’t I passed everything and now I actually have the motivation to do better this semester because I’m a nerd like that. Now that the results are over and done with we are at the point in the semester when assignments are happening and are shortly due in and like always I panic. I get stressed. I get depressed and I feel like I’m not going to get any of this work done by the deadlines that are set. I have journals due a week from Monday that have to be at least 500 words each, I will have 6 to submit and I’m only 114 words into the first journal. I have a presentation for a project this Monday to do with a film idea about a girl with social anxiety (it’s about me although I’m presenting it as a fictional story). I’ve discussed this idea about 3 times already with lecturers and each time my idea has had holes in it. It’s too big. My video can’t be between 7-10 minutes long when people in 4th year are doing the Final Year Projects at a similar length to that. I need to condense everything and think about how my script is going to be. It was one of the lecturers for this project that played a part in my anxiety attack before mid-term but luckily she was a little nicer to me this week and kind of helped me in relation to have 3 key things that my script should focus on. I’m not too far into the script but in my revelation I made yesterday I’ve actually cut some of the scenes I had in my original idea. There was supposed to be 5 scenes but I’ve now cut it down to 3.

I don’t understand why all this mental shit is after coming back I guess it’s because I’m not used to being happy for this long. I love college, even the classes I nearly fall asleep in. The people are awesome in college and I don’t think a day has gone by, especially this semester, where I haven’t smiled or laughed a lot. It feels weird being on mid-term or any kind of break because college nearly feels like more of a home than my actually home does. Weekends are even difficult to get through some times.

(May 2nd) I didn’t feel like this blog had enough content to post a few months ago so now, the day before my second journal submission of the semester, I thought I’d revisit this and expand on how my mental health has been affecting me recently. So on Monday of last week I was extremely depressed, and I haven’t felt depressed in months (bar that hour I went up to my hotel room at BICS). The anxiety always lingers, the depression is like a sneak attack like “Surprise, you’re going to feel like shit today because you deserve it.” I can’t even remember how the day went but everything just felt like it was going wrong even when nothing was happening. I was being a very negative person, which I usually am anyway but less so in public these days. I was just being awful to everyone. Jodi was feeling off and instead of making sure she was ok and seeing if there was anything I could do to help, I just told her that I was feeling really off. The rest of the week I think went a lot better mostly. On Tuesday morning I was part of my 1st protest. We were protesting about the fact that lecturers aren’t allowed to give us feedback on exam results or CA’s anymore which is outrageous and completely unfair to the likes of 4th years who are in the middle of submitting their FYP’s. I saw Jodi and she was taking photos of the protest and thank God she’s tall because it made it easier to see her so I could avoid the camera a lot easier.  After the protest right before I had a class I gave her a packet of sweets and apology letter. I felt the need to write her an apology letter because I felt like I was being a real bitch to her recently. I went over to get her in the SU and asked her to go outside the room for a minute. She walked just outside the door with me and was like “What’s up?” When I told her I had written her an apology letter she straight up laughed in my face. Honestly the better reaction I could have gotten as opposed to a very judging look followed by “What the fuck?” I continued to explain and she while she was still laughing she gave me a hug and said I was an idiot and I wasn’t being that much of a bitch. I saw her again later and she said had I not written the letter she wouldn’t have noticed half the things I went on about and like I didn’t need to write it. However for me it actually did help me feel better when I wrote it the night before.

Wednesday was a bit of a weird day for me. I decided that I would stop what I usually do and not go looking for Jodi at every break that I had during the day. Instead I  went to my first class and third class both of which were 2 hours each. Then spent the rest of the day in the studio with one of my classmates. Apparently at around half 2, I would have been in my 3rd class a half an hour at that point, Jodi walked into the studio looking for me. The classmate that I had been hanging out with skipped that class so he was in the studio when she supposedly walked in. I’m not sure if I really believe him because he was messing with me earlier in the day about something else. After my class was over I think I went outside for a fag and then went into the SU to see Jodi because I hadn’t seen her all day. I found her but I still didn’t see much of her. She gave me a hug before she left and I said “I might see you tomorrow.” She was like ” What’s this “might” business??” I said “Well I didn’t see much of you today I don’t know what tomorrow will be like!!” She said “You don’t see much of me anyway because I’ve been so busy”. Also during the day while I was in the studio I decided to give Misty and Dexter their birthday cards because they have birthdays over summer and I don’t know if I’ll see them. I gave Misty her’s first a bit earlier on in the day than Dexter’s because I didn’t see him anywhere for ages. She gave me like 8 hugs in the space of 5 minutes. I wrote on her card not to open it until her birthday in July but then she was talking about the joys of being a poor college student so I was like “Maybe you should open your card now!!” She looked at me really seriously and was like “No you didn’t??!?! Sandra no please tell me you didn’t?” I just sat there laughing at her reaction, like of course I put money in the card what else is the point of the card? It’s purpose is to hold the money. She was so happy!! So in turn I was really happy for the rest of the day just thinking about how much my card made her happy.

Thursday I went out for a cigarette with my classmate who I had spent a lot of Wednesday with and by the time we got back inside it was already 4 minutes past 9 so I said I would just skip that class because I hate walking into classes late. We went into the studio and he wanted me to show him my Project 1 film which I did on Social Anxiety. He seemed to like it which is good, he’s only the 2nd person to have seen it. The 1st person seemed to like it too and I’ve still to get a reply from Jodi about it but she’s been busy. Speaking of Jodi she walked in when we were half way through watching my video and looked at the screen and was like “OoooOooo what’s this??” She watched a little bit of it and when she heard what the video was about and what I was saying in the video she was like “Wait now I can’t watch this I might get emotional, send me the link to it and I’ll watch it later!!” Then she was like “Do you wanna go get a coffee and go out for a fag??” That sentence alone let me know it was going to be a good day because we had both be busy recently and we haven’t gone for coffee and a fag for ages. I saw her a good bit that day actually and I was tolerable to be around that day too because I was in a great mood and I was making a lot of jokes and some were actually funny.There was a really bad joke I made later on because she was talking about how she was going to someone’s house and she was like “Yeah we’re going to hang out with her cats and I can’t wait.” So I was like “Jodi don’t you mean you CAT wait.” It was somewhat funnier in the moment despite how bad it was. Jodi’s response was “She’s turning into me.” All the societies were going for a night out that night and I wasn’t supposed to be going because I had no where to stay because Dexter wasn’t going out. So I thought that would be the last time I would see Jodi until the following Wednesday. I was in the SU when she was leaving and she gave me and hug. Then Dexter was complaining about how him and Captain Kerry didn’t get a hug but they were playing Fifa at the the time. So Jodi went over and hugged them around their shoulders from behind so not to interrupt their game of Fifa. She even hugged me again. When she left I stayed in the SU for a bit but then decided I would go upstairs and continue working on projects.

At around 8pm I saw a post on Facebook from our SU president, that Bang FM had won a national award for Charity Event of the Year, which we weren’t really expecting to win but were so fucking delighted with winning. I was in one of the mac labs with some of my classmates and when I saw the post I screamed. I was so excited and I was like “WE WON THE AWARD!!” Nobody else was as excited but they said congratulations all the same. I messaged Dexter on Facebook saying we won and he was like “I’m crying” Then he said we had to go out then since we were after winning. We had to celebrate with everyone else. So I finished up with my work and I called my best friend from back home and walked to Dexter’s house. I hadn’t talked to her properly in ages. I got to Dexter’s house anyways and I was finishing up my phone call while standing outside his window. He opens out the window, looks at me and says “You’re such a loser!!” I was so confused I was like “Why? What have I done that’s made me a loser now?” He was like “You’re on the phone to Jodi aren’t you.” I was like “Wtf no I’m talking to my friend from home.” He was just like “Well she’s a loser too!!” and then he went back inside and closed the window. I went into the house to drop off my bag and then went down to the shop to buy some a toothbrush and deodorant because I didn’t have anything with me because I was actually supposed to be getting the bus back home. I walked back up and the good thing about not bringing anything with me was that I didn’t have to get changed or get ready. I was ready, there was nothing I could really do. So we waited for another one of our committee members/ 2nd year who was going with us and drove us into town. We met up with the other societies, mainly it was SVP soc because Music and MAG soc couldn’t make it. Jodi was there for a grand total of probably 20-30 minutes while we were there before she had to leave. So we stayed with SVP for a bit and then moved onto the nightclub in Tralee because there was an SU event on but it was over by the time we got to the nightclub. Also I’ve realised that nightclubs are totally not my scene and unless I have someone with me who will stay right by my side and take of me the whole night I will have a panic attack inside in the nightclub. Although to be fair there was a lot more space inside there than the other nightclub I had been at in Limerick.

Friday was just an awful day that I’m not going to get too much into. The lads in my class were just doing everything that they could to annoy me, which they’ve usually been doing every Friday morning this semester. What they didn’t know is that it was making me feel so incredibly awful that I think it kick started my weekend of misery. The only good thing about Friday was when I saw Misty and she gave me two hugs, that was literally the only good part of the day. Following that miserable day was the weekend from hell. I went into college on Saturday which wasn’t too bad, there was hardly anyone around so I didn’t have to deal with people. I went up to the mac lab and tried to finish my website I had to make for a project but the computers ended up shutting off and I had to try and download a trial on my laptop and spend the rest of the night and a the following day. I also had 3 and a half reflective journals to write, blogs for the development of my film project on social anxiety and a 500 hundred word report on my radio drama mixing process. With the stress of having a lot of that work due for Tuesday and the rest to be done for Wednesday I went spiraled into a really dark depression. Since I wasn’t around people no one knew how I was feeling and my parents don’t notice these things so I had nothing to worry about there. I think it was Sunday when I self harmed for the first time since BICS. Although what I did at BICS hardly left a mark and the last time I did self harm in the way I did last weekend was months ago. I hadn’t self harmed like this since last July or August a little after I had started writing these blogs. I’ve been close to properly relapsing multiple times since but only know has it really happened again. I find it hard to my kind of self harm seriously. Yes I’m harming myself. Yes it hurts like hell sometimes. No it does not cause me to bleed. No it does not hurt enough to take away or even distract from my emotional pain that I’m feeling.

In case you haven’t read my early blogs where I discussed this. The tool I use for self-harming is a rubber band. Not a blade, or some sharp object, a fucking rubber band. Like if you look up wimp in the dictionary you’ll see my name. The reason I don’t use a blade is because I’m too afraid. Too afraid that I will do it wrong. I want my physical pain to over power the mental pain but what am I supposed to do when I accidentally burst an important blood vessel. What if I do even the slightest little cut but it won’t stop bleeding? I’m stuck in this toxic house that is driving me insane yet I can’t let anyone one in the house know that there is something wrong with me!! Mental health comes up in the news and the mother goes “Thank God you or your brother don’t have any problems. I think I might be losing my memory a little bit, that’s mental health.” Yeah I know mom so go to a doctor about it, you made an appointment and nearly didn’t go because you felt insecure about the fact that they could diagnose you with something. They didn’t because they just gave you ways of building your memory by doing little tests which you passed. So now you’re all fine and dandy, for now. You didn’t want to be told something because you didn’t want a label. Well mom I’ve so many labels I’ve lost count.You’d think I was into fashion with all the labels I’ve got. I didn’t need some doctor in a fancy office to give me the low down on what’s wrong with. I know what’s wrong with me. EVERYTHING!! What’s right about me would be the better question wouldn’t it?? How is it that people can stand to be around me now more than ever? Right now and in the last few years my mental health has been severely fluctuating but primarily staying close to or at rock bottom. Yet at this moment in time, I feel like I have so many friends who care about me and I can bet that if any of them decide to read this they are going to be extremely concerned for my well being and really saddened that I’m feeling so bad. I’m not used to having people know so much about me and yet still stick around. I haven’t had a case of someone not sticking around because I’ve told them things about me. They just left because my general negative personality was not that nice to be around. I thought that if people knew why I was so negative they would know to avoid me. They’d think I was a lost cause. I never thought I would make friends again after my rough patch of my friends ditching me in 1st year of secondary school. If you told 13 or 14 year old me I would have such amazing, hilarious people in my life who consider me their friend and I see on a regular basis, I would have laughed. I wouldn’t have believed you. Frankly if you told me back then I would make it to college I wouldn’t have believed it. “Surely I won’t live to see that happen, I’ll be dead before my sweet sixteen. I’m in no way capable of making it to college let alone making it through my sad excuse of a life.” That’s what I would’ve said because I never thought about college until 5th year when we were forced to start thinking about it. I didn’t think about anything except trying to make it through the day. Everyday was such a drag and everyday I would be so emotionally and mentally drained that I had no interest in anything. I had no hobbies. I had no will to live. I’ve been suicidal since I was 9 years old. I didn’t know what I was feeling or why because they never thought us about this stuff. The first time I heard actual mention of suicide was when I was about 12. I didn’t hear anything about mental illness until I was 15 nearly 16. I had to research that shit myself and yet it still took me months to figure out what I could have. My current illnesses are mainly depression and social anxiety. I also feel like I could have generalised anxiety and borderline personality disorder. Let’s face it, this list is forever growing.

So on Sunday May 1st 2016, I harmed myself again. Since it had been so long the marks didn’t stay on my arm for long. I spent a lot of time alone in my house that day, as I do most Sundays. My mom was gone to work early because it was Rally weekend and my father went out drinking like he does every Sunday. My parents wouldn’t stop pestering me about my college work and asking if I had it all sorted. The answer was no but I kept telling that I was nearly finished that I would have it done in time. Yet they wouldn’t stop asking. When my father gets drunk he’s never violent or anything so I’m extremely lucky in that respect. However he is your typical fall over,speech slurred drunk who will constantly repeat the same thing over and over again. Sometime he doesn’t even finish a sentence so I try to finish it in order to get the thought out there faster that he is trying to talk about. If I wasn’t annoyed already at my parents constant pestering, that night definitely pushed me over the edge. I wrote 6 A5 pages worth of pent up emotion. All I wanted to do was scream or punch a wall or bash my head off a wall. Yet I still somehow have this really strong self control that won’t let me express anything like this because last time I kicked a wall out of anger is was just because I forgot something. My mother got angry at me. Apparently hitting things isn’t a good way to express emotions, I just have to sit there and take it. So here is what I decided to write.

“If that drunken man asks me one more time “Are you okay?”, I will scream.                             I tell him “Yes I’m fine” every time he asks.                                                                                           Every time I say it, it becomes more and more untrue.                                                                         Of course I’m not okay. Do I look okay?                                                                                                     Maybe I do to him because I know how to hide things like this extremely easily.                       My left arm is covered in red lines. My brain is screaming at me to focus and write my           fucking journals which are due tomorrow.                                                                                               I just can’t focus. It’s impossible!

I want more than anything to have those journals done, but I just can’t focus enough             to get more than one sentence written every 4 hours.                                                                            I can’t drop out of college, I just can’t.                                                                                                        I was beginning to plan my suicide last year because I had nothing to live for.                            I had no interests, I had no other ambitions bar making into college.                                            I had friends sure, but what would I do while they’re all away at college?                                      Nothing, that’s what!                                                                                                                                        I stayed up all night to see if I got accepted and offered my college course.                                  And to my surprise I did!

I was the only awake at the time so I quietly screamed a happy little scream and burst            into tears.                                                                                                                                                              I sat there sobbing in the closed off, dark cave that is my room for a good 20 minutes            before I went in and told my parents.                                                                                                           I don’t want to repeat and if I don’t make it to 2nd year now I know I will not make it             to my 19th birthday!                                                                                                                                         What the fuck will I have to live for?                                                                                                           The fact that it would cause a few people pain only gives me so much reluctance to do            it.

I’m sorry to like the 4 people and my dog who will be upset but it’s not like I would live         a long happy life anyways.                                                                                                                               Although, I’ve had the best few months of my life since starting college that I nearly             believed that to be possible.                                                                                                                           However, no matter how great of time I have, I still get anxious.                                                      I still get depressed.                                                                                                                                          If it isn’t already obvious, I still get suicidal and go back to self harming.                                    I wish I could be like the Irish government and just ignore all these problems.                          The pain that would be inflicted upon those few people that actually care if I offed                  myself, isn’t anything in comparison to the pain I feel on a constant basis.

One of the only things I’m absolutely amazing at is hiding my feelings.                                       Nobody is going to continue asking you how you are if you lie and keep giving them a             positive answer even if you are feeling down, they never need to know if you can play           it off well enough like I can!!                                                                                                                         I always fall asleep on the bus to and from college so I’m constantly in that half                       awake/half asleep state where your mind is half way between the realm of reality                   and the realm of dreamland.

Recently I can’t help but imagine the bus getting into a crash.                                                         Everyone else will have already jumped out safely because they were all fully awake.               I, however, will still be on it as the bus crashes into something and explodes!                           At least then no one can blame me for what happened!                                                                       It won’t seem like a suicide,                                                                                                                           It will just be faith!

Needless to say I didn’t get any work done after writing that. I was just so angry and depressed and wanted all the yelling in my head to go away. This is how I was feeling Sunday, while these thoughts weren’t as severe in the days following I was still in a fairly rough state up until Wednesday afternoon. I was nearly sick with anxiety and stress Tuesday morning because my journals weren’t even half way done. Luckily I went out to the smoking area first thing in the morning and my lecturer was out there and when I asked him for an extension he happily gave me one. That was enough to de-stress me for the rest of the day. Had I not gotten that extension I probably would’ve had a heart attack due to my increasing stress levels. On Wednesday morning it was a different story. I had a presentation at around 12 o clock and we divided into 3 groups so presentations were going on from half 9 in the morning to 1pm. I was so stressed to the point that while the lads were all in the room talking away and laughing I walked out and went to the bathroom. There was no on in there so I went into the far end stall and got my rubber band and hitting my arm 5 times as hard as I could. It created 5 lines instantly and they were the worst ones I’ve done to date because I was so angry and upset when I did them they looked like they were going to start bleeding. (As of nearly 4 days later they are only now starting to fade.) I walked back into the studio and the person from the group before said that presentations were going faster than scheduled so we could make our way up there. I brought my hard-drive with me to fix something for my submission later on. I brought my hoodie to cover my arm in the event that someone would see it. I brought my stress ball because I needed something to help me cope while I waited for my turn to be up. Thank God I was only the 2nd one but I still needed to recover afterwards.

I was fairly happy for the rest of the day. I went to the SU with the lads in my class and while they played Fifa I sat on the comfy red couch with a black blanket over my head which blocked out all the light around me. I sat under there on my phone scrolling through Facebook. The lads noticed me fairly quickly and were like “What the fuck?” but then proceeded to take a selfie with blanket me. After about a half an hour I thought I might as well do some work while I’m under there. So I went back to the studio and got my laptop went back to the union and put the blanket back over myself and my laptop. I decided I would work on the radio society’s end of year report. I was under there for a bit before Jodi, who has been in the union office this whole entire time was like, “Who’s that under the blanket?” I didn’t hear her at this point but one of the lads answered her and said “Who do you think it is? It’s Sandra!” So then she asked him to ask me why I was under there and I said “Why wouldn’t I be under here?” Later on she tried talking to me again but this time I could hear her and she was like “Saaandraaa?” and I was like “Yessss?”

“Are you still alive?”

“Yes!”

“Saaandraaa?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Work, like I have my laptop under here for a reason like!”

“Saaandraaa?”

“Yes”

“Are you a vampire?”

*sighs* “Maybe”

To which Jodi then laughed and and sent me a meme of a vampire. Then I sent her back to memes and she laughed at them too both in real life and then via Facebook. Shortly after this, Dexter and another 2nd year came in and decided it would be funny to through the other two blankets on top of my and then all the bean bags on top of me. Those bean bags aren’t as light as they look. They hurt my neck a bit actually. I then tried to get up and wasn’t really as cool as everyone had expected so I stayed under the blankets for another while after that. I eventually got up and left and went back to the studio. Later on in the evening Jodi was staying around and she was in the studio with me while I was trying to write my journals. She was looking at Facebook on the studio computer and every few minutes I would walk over and see what she was doing because she would be reacting to some post that came up. When I was over with her at one point she pointed towards my laptop and I just got up and slowly walked over there and she was pleased with herself for getting me to do work. At one point there was this quiz to see if you could name what country the flag was for. Jodi got 9/20 and I said that I would do it after her and I got 14/20 and casually walked back to my seat and went back to writing my journals.  Then Dexter brought both of us to watch his documentary for one of his modules. It was actually really good and I liked watching it. I didn’t finish my blogs but luckily I was able to get them finished on Thursday morning.

Thursday was actually a really good day. I was in the studio with a guy from my class I’ll call Stan. So Stan and I were in the studio and our old chairperson walked in and talked to us for a bit. Later on in the morning Jodi showed up and told us about her bus experience all of which was a little bit embarrassing for her. I saw a lot of her and our old chairperson that day. The three of us even went to Mc Donalds. As soon as we got in the car to go there the song ‘Cake by the Ocean’ by DNCE and of course Jodi had to blare that all the way down the road. She nearly screamed when she heard it she was so excited. Just that entire day was so fun and I was so happy.

This week then has been pretty good, like how on Monday Jodi was in the studio again with Stan and I and the majority of the time that morning I spent crying laughing. Then for the remainder of the day my eyes were still tearing up. I’m going to miss days like that over summer. I’m going to miss being in college. I’ve had such a good time here and if I don’t make it into 2nd year I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m finishing to write this blog on Wednesday the 11th of May and it’s the last day that I’ll be in college until September (that’s if I don’t have to repeat in August). It’s my last day being a 1st year TV/Radio. If my summer is anything like last summer, I won’t be doing anything. I will be stuck in my house going more and more stir crazy which is another reason why next year I’m living in Tralee and I pay my deposit next week. I can’t wait!! I’ll actually be able to go out when I want to and do whatever I want. I need to make sure I don’t go crazy with all that freedom. I’ve never had to live on my own before but I actually think I’m going to like it more than I think. Of course I’m nervous and anxious about it but there is no way I can get the bus to and from college everyday for another year because it is torture. This morning felt like the longest bus ride I’ve ever had to college and I felt like I was in some sort of purgatory and I would never get to college for my final CA submission and to say goodbye to people for the summer. I hate goodbyes, there awful. At least there’s Eurovision on at the moment or I would be even more upset about having to never come back into college this week. I know it’s not a goodbye it’s a see you later but I can’t handle that unless later means an hour. Another reason why being stuck at home all summer is bad, I won’t be interacting with people face to face. Hence why I like being in college so much. Really when I say people I mean my friends because there the reason I haven’t given up on college (or on life) yet!!