50th Blog!!

I’ve started like 4 blogs over the past few weeks but I haven’t finished them nor am I going to. I just keeping getting an urge to write something almost every night but some of it is more therapeutic than my normal blogs. The last one I started writing has been especially good for expressing the way I’m feeling about certain things at the moment. It’s just a stream of consciousness so I was just writing everything I was thinking about. I’ve been feeling really agitated and easily annoyed recently just by being in my house all of the time. I could be going a bit stir crazy. I will leave the house tomorrow though because I have to keep looking for a job but I won’t do much job searching tomorrow. I have things I need to check first like my bank account because I haven’t checked that in while.

I have plans for next weekend. I have spent the last like 2 weeks mentally preparing myself for it. This is something I have to do for this night out especially given the fact that I haven’t seen a lot of these people in months. Also I haven’t seen any friends of mine since the end of last month. So because of all that I have to remind myself of the basic rules of communicating with people. One of these rules being, no complaining about how boring my summer has been thus far. I need to pretend that I’ve had an average summer and just talk about that one night I went out last month! That’s the main thing anyways other mental prepping includes reminding myself not to get over excited. Also there might be a bit of a crowd and town will be super busy so I shouldn’t panic. Just walk into town a little early and be to the place that the party is on at the time it says it’s starting because I can’t stand being late. If I feel a bit panicky or scared on the walk in I need to just suck it up and keep walking. If I feel panicked when I get there I just need to get a drink find a quiet corner and sit down or else look around and try to find someone I know. So long as it’s not the guy who used to bully me a lot in primary school because I know he’s going to this party and although those things are behind us now I still don’t like being around him and I managed to avoid him all year in college.

I spent a lot of my time recently watching stand up comedy, mostly the female stand ups because I don’t ever hear about them. I knew they existed but up until I started watching clips from the likes of ‘Live at the Apollo’ and ‘Russell Howard’s Good News’, I couldn’t name one. I regret not looking them up sooner because they are really funny and I watch the same videos of theirs over and over again because some of them don’t have that many stand up videos on Youtube. I’ve always been really interested in comedy but for the last few years I was usually watching sketch comedy like ‘Saturday Night Live’. I used to think that stand up was just an excuse for men to make racist, sexist, and all around offensive jokes on stage and just have an audience laugh instead of call them out on their bullshit. I have come across a few male stand ups that I love but that list isn’t long especially in comparison to female stand ups. I don’t know is it because the female stand ups are less reliant on making jokes about sex and going too far with those types of jokes. Also I relate more to their jokes. Here is just a few of the female stand ups I’ve been watching a lot of lately.

 

I don’t think you can have enough comedy. I think I cling to it even more when I’m not around people  because I like having a reason to laugh. Also because I want to be like them. I try to think of what I would talk about if I did stand up. I tried writing the start of my script for a stand up routine but I can already tell that will take a lot of time. I also have to be in a certain mood where I can write for that. It’s extremely difficult for me to write something that I’m trying to make funny. I know I can be funny and I’ve made up enough scenarios in my head of conversations with people where if they actually happened they would without a doubt be laughing. Not that that is proof of me being funny but it gives me confidence in making jokes. I have had conversations before where I will have said a joke that I actually thought of a few days before but it seems to the other person that I’ve made it up on the spot. This is rare but it does happen. I do plan out certain interactions beforehand. It’s not my fault if the other person doesn’t stick to the script and takes over the reins and improvises. They just make the script better!

I find these blogs one of the easiest ways to let people know that I’m still alive and not to worry, I haven’t died. Just in the off chance that someone gets concerned about that. Like I don’t talk to people incredibly often and if I didn’t spend all my days liking a load of stuff on Facebook and posting these blogs, no would know where I was. I have spent a lot of time when I’m not watching comedy, listening to music. Like for the past couple of days I’ve been listening to the Pitch Perfect 2 soundtrack on repeat. I re-watched it the other day and when one scene in it comes up I can’t help but smile at it and I’ll tell you why. So I uploaded my first proper profile photo on Facebook a few months ago. It was a selfie I took with my DSLR camera and I took it using the monochrome setting so that no one could really see all the details of my face because I was also wearing make-up to cover up spots and freckles and just everything. So there was a few comments on it, which is standard but since this was my first real time putting up one the comments were more genuine than normal. So one of my friends commented a screenshot from Pitch Perfect 2 which was of Anna Kendrick’s character Beca saying “You are physically flawless”. Of course since I can’t take compliments seriously at all I just replied with a screenshot from Futurama that basically said “You make good jokes”. I didn’t believe the compliment I just found it funny and I just laughed at it. We were talking about it there again like a month ago and she was saying just about that line from Beca in the movie and I was like “You commented that on my profile photo”. She was like “Yeah I did, I had just saved it onto my phone a few days before and it was also relevant for your photo”. I couldn’t help but smile but I tried to hide that and then just sound like really defiant or something and said “No it wasn’t relevant at all!!” She said that is was and I just look away from her because I didn’t want her to see me smiling about it. I’m a really stubborn person but I’ve learned over the last few months that she is also an extremely stubborn person, maybe it’s one of the reasons we get along so well.

I’ve been trying to sing a new cover recently but I haven’t been happy with any of the recordings. Some parts of songs are fine and others are horrific. Like for some songs I can sing the verses perfectly but then the chorus is supposed to be sung a bit higher and it just sounds awful when I try to do it. Either way it is just fun to play these songs on guitar and laugh at how bad it’s going. It’s not like I need to record it, I just do it for fun. Also if I listen back to it I can hear what I’m doing wrong and try to improve up it. My dad said at the start of the summer that if I can’t get a job I’ll need to go busking in the town centre. I am now considering it more than ever but I know I wouldn’t be able to do. I would be shaking to the point that I would keep dropping the pick and my voice would waver too much or else no sound would come out of my mouth at all. So for now, performing for just myself is all I can manage to do. There is songs that I can’t play on the guitar so I’ll just sing songs like that while I’m in my room and I’ll sing into my microphone close my eyes and pretend that I’m on stage. Still I’d rather be on stage for stand-up than for singing.

 

What I Need To Get My Life Back On Track!

I’ve started writing a blog recently about how shitty I’m feeling but who the fuck wants to read that? No one does, or at least not anymore, according to my statistics. On this actual website my reader to likes ratio is fairly good. Most people who are WordPress users that read a blog of mine will like it. However, my Facebook readers don’t react at all. I look at the stats and see that 14-18 people have gotten to this blog by clicking the Facebook link that is only on my profile so  obviously those readers would be people I’m friends with. So I see that they’ve read it but that’s it. There is no response. No likes. Nothing. How am I supposed to know that what I’ve written is anyway good or bad? If it’s not of interest to anyone than maybe I should stop posting my blogs there? Why do they click on the blog link though? Do they read the whole thing? Do they read any of it and just do it to be nice to give my blog a view? The latter of which means absolutely nothing to me. I would rather 2 people reading it and getting 2 genuine likes than having 200 views and 6 likes. At the moment my stats are more like 20-30 views and 2-6 likes. All likes being through WordPress readers. Also if you are one of the people reading this off Facebook, don’t feel forced or asked into reacting to this I’m just ranting for no reason, you see how much I question my feelings about stats if you decide to keep reading! If you don’t want to react don’t, keep doing what you’re doing and I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

Don’t ask me why I decided to mention this. I have never been hung up on likes and views on my blogs. Yeah I noticed trends over the last nearly a year since I started writing these. I noticed in the early days that if I wrote about the bad times in my life, my deteriorating mental health, or my sexuality, I would get more views. However, if I wrote about happy memories or aspirations I had a lot less views. (I keep calling them views which I don’t know if it’s the correct word seeing as it’s a piece of writing not a fucking YouTube video, either way I’ll keep saying views because it’s easier.) I guess I wrote better stuff when I was feeling depressed or fed up with life. Sometimes when I feeling like that I do tend to get a bit poetic so my writing probably is a lot better. I assume people click on these based on the title and also maybe on the little foreword I give when I post these to Facebook. They won’t click on it if it doesn’t sound interesting. I’m not one for click bait titles either. My titles will refer to my blog but because my thought process is a little different to some I get distracted and stray from the main topic for a bit. Overall the title is representative of the blog. When I got sexually harassed on the bus back before Christmas, I didn’t want to mention sexual harassment in the title because I didn’t know if that was the right phrasing so I contemplated not using it. I knew no one would click on it if I wrote “Late Night Bus Story”. I decided to turn the title into a question so I was making a false claim, (which I wasn’t it did happen and my sexual harassment was the right phrase) but it would still catch people’s attention. I’m never one for pushing my content excessively to be acknowledged by someone, I’m used to things of mine being overlooked and ignored. I needed someone, anyone, to read that blog post because I was frightened and I was alone. I didn’t feel comfortable telling my aunt everything. Mainly due to the fact that as someone who is really uncomfortable and feels really sick whenever something about sex arises in conversation, I couldn’t verbally repeat what that man said to me because I would have thrown up. I swear to God I nearly vomited on the man when he was saying those things. I wanted to cry, no one understands the full extent of how scaring and terrifying that moment was for me. I sometimes really don’t like when friends joke about things to do with sex, let alone a stranger on the bus that could potentially have turned that harassment into assault. I know I keep bringing up that story but unlike some of the other bad things that have happened in my life I get remember put myself back into my mindset that night. I can imagine exactly how it all happened. Just by closing my eyes thinking about it, I can suddenly feel like I am on that bus feeling all those emotions.

Back to the title because I haven’t explained that yet. So with this change in prioritization, where I have gotten more fixated on the views to like ratio rather than on whether I liked writing and/or reading the blog I just wrote. I can sometimes be really self-centred and attention seeking but when it comes to writing that is something I started doing for myself. To express my feelings in a healthy way, to help me feel like someone somewhere is listening even if it’s just one person. Usually I do the listening the thought of someone just listening and not criticizing me makes me feel like a human, like I exist and someone wants to hear about my existence. Even if they didn’t care personally about me, they gained either an insight into my life, they resonated with what I wrote and/or it helped them in some way. I never cared about this STATISTICAL  BULLSHIT!! Now that I have let those stats effect me,I’m obviously not happy, but what’s new there? Other than my parents constantly telling me to go out there and get a job. “Don’t come back home until you get a job!!” my father often tells me. This constant nagging doesn’t motivate me to go get a job. It makes me want to stay in my bed a hide under the covers. All of this is giving me unnecessary stress and anxiety that I thought the summer would give me solas from. I  thought I’d find it easier this summer to talk to people more via social media but I’m still extremely bad at doing that. I hate talking to people through Facebook messenger, unless I have loads to talk about and I can make jokes that will work. A lot of my jokes require sarcasm and intonations in voice which you can’t do on messenger. I’d rather talk to someone in person, but when people are busy doing those jobs that they went out and got, they don’t have time to meet up so that you can talk in person.

So in the meantime, until I see people again, I must find something to take my mind off this lack of social interaction and make me not such a miserable fucking person so that maybe when I do meet up with them I won’t be giving them reason to cut ties with me because all my conversations would consist of  me saying how depressing my summer has been going thus far. I can complain in these blogs because they are entirely optional to read. I don’t make people read them. So I was reading the book ‘The BFG’ by Roald Dahl. I’d never read it before. To be fair it was the first book I’ve finished reading for the first time in a very long time. I can write mounds and mounds of stuff but reading can be difficult for me sometimes. I can’t focus sometimes and I tend to skip to the bottom of page all the time and I get confused and have to go up to the top of the page where there is important information that I missed by skipping down to the end of the page. It then makes me confused sometimes with the story. I might have to go back a few pages and read them over again because I can’t understand what is going on. It frustrates me a bit too, because I love the stories but it takes me 100 times as long to get through a book than everyone else. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. So whenever someone judges me for not reading it’s not that I don’t want to, I mean I’ve bought so many books over the past year, it’s just not as easy for me as it is for you. So telling me I’m a bad person for not reading is not going to change anything it’ll just make me feel worse about the situation.

So let me take this back to The BFG. It was my first time reading it and it was brought to my attention because I saw the trailer for the upcoming movie version of it. It looked so cool but I felt like it was definitely something I would need to read first so that I could get the best experience possible watching the film. I’ve connected with the story and the characters since reading the book.So while reading it and when I had finished it I realised what I need in my life. I need magic. Before you tell me magic isn’t real, click away from this because I don’t want to hear it. I believe that magic is real and it can be found in everything if you just look hard enough for it. You mightn’t even have to look at all with some things. Magic in the case of bringing into my life isn’t exactly the definition you might be thinking of with wands, spells and flying, although that of course is part of that too. (Ravenclaw for fucking life dude!). In reading The BFG, you witness the magic in just seeing something different to what you’re used to.  Also I think magic can also be just finding you own enjoyment out of something like watching something and adding your own commentary which you laugh at more than what you’re  actually watching. Working on something that sparks something inside of you where you feel proud of what you are doing, like making something like some sort of craft.(No not witchcraft, but to each their own right?) Magic is everywhere, you just got to start letting yourself experience it. You won’t always see, mostly you will just have to feel it.

One Year Down, Three More To Go!!

I somehow made it through it. Not that it was insanely difficult but at times of submissions and exams I felt so stressed and exhausted that I didn’t think I would survive. My official last day was the 11th of May but I can’t stand not being in college so I stayed in Tralee that night so that I could go in the next day the Thursday. Had I gone home on the 11th and asked to go in my parents would just yell at me like “No, you are done with that place!! There’s no one there and you have no reason to go there now!!” I had intentions of going out and that’s the excuse that I gave my parents. What I actually did was stay with one of my classmates and talked to him for a few hours about recent CAs and exams and about how the year went.

I didn’t get much sleep because it’s always difficult to sleep on a couch in student accommodation. Still I left for college bright and early and got there just before 9. I spent some of the day with Jodi but I made sure she spent more time doing her work. I didn’t want to see her until she’d something done. Later on when she returned to the radio studio where Stan and I were, she had actually made a bit of progress and I was so happy but that was the most amount of work she did in one sitting during that day in college. Since she still hadn’t gotten her own box of cigarettes, I still had to share my box with her so since I’d been doing that all week with the two boxes I had, we had to space out the cigarette breaks on Thursday.  In the morning while Stan was gone doing some project work, I showed her the birthday video I made her. I was fairly confident that she would like it but I wanted to be sure. I’ll be sharing it to her Facebook page so her friends will see it too and be like “What the fuck? Who’s this girl who has only known her a few months making this video?” Anyways I showed her the video and she nearly cried and said she loved it and gave me a hug. It also made her really happy which I think was a good way to start her day off.

I spent the entire day thinking about how it was my last day. I was thinking that on Wednesday too but I was determined to make it to college Thursday. I was outside with Jodi having a cigarette at one point and I accidentally touched my wrist off the top of the cigarette and it hurt. A few minutes later I guess my mood seemed to have dropped a little bit and Jodi was like “Why are you sad?” I just pointed at my wrist and was like “Well there’s this!! I’m not really sad though.”At another point later after I went back into the studio from being out at the smoking area, I sat down on one of the chairs by the desk next to Stan and he asked me why I was sad. I told him I wasn’t sad and he said I got a lot quieter all of a sudden. I do think I was sad all day but I just didn’t know because I was trying to ignore that feeling so much. Stan and I proceeded to listen to Eminem songs and I really impressed him by my ability to rap the entirety of ‘The Real Slim Shady’.

Then I got to the saddest part of my day. Actually having to say goodbye to Jodi. Now I will see her over the summer but my prediction is that it won’t be until her birthday which isn’t until JULY!! Anyways we went for a fag and then she wanted to get something from the Shop before she went and got all her stuff from the Societies Office where she had been doing her work. She was on the computer for a bit putting stuff on a usb and scrolling through Facebook. Then she was starting to pack up and I was not really pacing more like shifting my weight from one foot to another. So Jodi asked me again why I was sad. So I kind of laughed and said “Well today is my last day in college so I won’t see you again for a while.” She was like”I’m always around sure!”

“Yeah but I’m not. I’ll be back in Killarney.”

“Yeah but we’ll see each other again over summer.”

“We will but I don’t know when!”

So she finished packing up and was like “Ok come here and give me a hug then!” So I hugged her and then after what would have been the normal time to let go, I hugged her tighter. She was like “Awh Sandra” and she kept hugging me. I’m always a bit nervous to hug someone for longer than the normal time because they might find it weird but sometimes I just need a long hug and that was definitely one of those times where I needed it. I eventually pulled away and Jodi’s eyes were watering. Again I nearly made her cry. Twice in one day, I think that is a record. I, for one, was not crying. Again it’s just hard for me to cry, I did feel like I was going to cry it just never happened. I was really upset though. I had to leave to catch my bus so when we walked into the college she was going into the Students Union and I was going to get my stuff in the studio. She was like “It’s been emotional” I was like “Yeah I’ll see you whenever…” and she just pretended to cry as we walked away from each other. I rushed into the studio and Stan was still there so we walked outside to the front of college together. I was in Farranfore before I decided to use my mobile data and see if I got any notifications. I had gotten a snap from Jodi of her filming the radio in the car she was in that was playing ‘Lush Life’. The caption of the snap being something like “Well Sandra, it’s been totes emotional.#ToodlesPoodles” I wish I had screenshot it actually but after seeing it, I got a bit emotional. I still didn’t cry but I did get more upset and I didn’t even reply to it. I was just like to myself “That snap was not okay! Maybe had the song not been there I would have been fine and also that was all so sincere. I don’t know how to handle someone nearly hating to leave me as much as I hate having to leave them!” I told my dad about this emotional goodbye and he was like “It’s not like you’re not going to talk to her every single day because you will!!” Except you’re wrong dad because I hardly chat to people unless it’s face to face. As someone who relies very heavily on being sarcastic to be funny it’s hard to do that via Facebook chat. Also the main times I would message her usually would be when we were in college where we would be seeing each other at certain points throughout the day so I had nothing to worry about if I said something wrong in a message because it could be fixed or not be as bad as I thought it was. I haven’t sent anything bad but I just worry that I will try making a joke at some point that won’t go over well.

Anyways now that I’ve talked about the end let’s take this back to the beginning. I hadn’t been to the college before until I went in for orientation in August. I knew no one who was doing my course. It was my first time getting on a public bus on my own for the first time. I had the intention of finding the lecture hall myself but when I walked into college that morning there was a few girls who were there helping people find where they needed to go. One of them was talking to someone, while the girl next to her was standing there smiling and looked ready to help. I went over to her and it was Misty! She was really cheery and positive and was like “HI I’M MISTY!” This kind of scared me a little bit because I wasn’t use to people being that happy and excited. She walked with me to the lecture hall. It’s weird how much I remember from that day and that other day of orientation that followed. What makes it more interesting though is the fact that I can remember seeing the people who I later became friends with and what my first impression of some of them was. Also, I’m a very observant person but even I don’t know how  all the people I managed to take notice of were all people from my course. I know I wrote a blog about this so there’s no point in going over it again. I wrote blogs throughout a lot of this year at college so I’m just going to review it and just reminisce.

I think something that I should point out is that I didn’t drink or smoke when I entered college and now I do both. You might say it’s because I turned 18 while I was in college but that only applies to smoking which I started nearly 2 months after my birthday. The drinking however started earlier at a 21st birthday of one of the 3rd years of my course. The fact that I was only 17 they were all babying me like they didn’t want to be forcing me to drink but the thing is I wanted to try alcohol so it think a bit of convincing to let them know that I wasn’t feeling forced into anything. I loved that they cared so much and to be honest I loved being the baby of the group. I am currently the youngest member in the radio society and I really don’t want to hand that over to those incoming first years. I’m the youngest!ME!! Just kidding I don’t really mean that. (I do!) I experienced a lot over the past 8-9 months. First time travelling on a bus alone. First time being in charge of myself and having the freedom to do what I wanted, to an extent because I am still living at home. First sexual harassment experience. It’s not like everything was going to be good. That was only in 1st semester though and everyone was extra nice to me for the next few days after that happened. Let’s see what else happened in semester 1?? Oh yeah I made friends and I’m still friends with them so talk about a major success. I’m not the best at retaining friends but I feel like some friendships strengthened during semester 2 so I’m attributing it to that. I think I’ve nearly learned more from my friends at college than I have in my modules but you know that’s not a bad thing. There was also that time at when I gave everyone Christmas cards, I think I spent like a good 2 hours writing all of them.

In learning all the new things I have at college, I’ve learned more about myself. I’ve feel like I’ve notice some of my anxiety triggers that I couldn’t pin point before. I have more of an understanding of my triggers anyways, I don’t know them all but maybe someone has noticed a few of them. I think my anxiety, and my depression a little bit towards the end of the semester, affected me more in semester 2. I had 2 anxiety attacks, days where I didn’t want to talk to anyone and a day of a submission where I self harmed. Now I had only ever had one anxiety attack before this that I’m aware of and that was about a year prior to getting the 1st I got in college. It was more minor and I dealt with it myself even though I was in school. The 1st one that happened in college, a lot of people I knew saw me freak out and get angry and upset. I remember it building up from the beginning of the week to when it happened which was a Wednesday. Most of the people from my year weren’t in until later on in the day so I spent a lot of time with Jodi and Dexter, and the days I got to spend more time with both or either of them were always my favourite days. Then everyone came back and I had a lot of work to do that day both college work and society work so I was a bit stressed out. I stormed off and went into studio 2 and Jodi made sure no one went in so that I could be alone for a bit, which I needed. I needed to collect my thoughts and calm the fuck down. I think then I got to work and Captain Kerry was there to do work with me too and Dexter would later join us. I think we had emailing and event organising to be doing. I remember being really annoyed at one of the guys in my class that day and when Dexter entered the room I was like “Right, the only people allowed in here are you, Captain Kerry, and I guess Jodi. I have no problems with her, she’s cool!” They were fine with that they even delegated someone to make sure the guy that was annoying me did not enter the room, he wasn’t really around the studio much for the rest of the day anyways but you know they kept an eye out for him because they wanted to keep him away from me.

All in all, whenever I felt anxious or not feeling great mentally there was always someone who cared and wanted to comfort me in some way whether that was by giving me a hug or telling me it was ok to feel anxious. While it’s not something that would make me feel a whole lot better in the moment, one of the things I get anxious about is people’s perceptions of me especially when I am projecting my feelings out there, so being told that it’s ok to feel that way really helps in the grand scheme of things. I just feel so grateful for all my friends and that I have such an understanding group of people who I get to surround myself with in college. I just, I don’t know, feel so loved and cared about that  like I can’t help but smile when I read back over these old blogs and thinking back to all the college memories so far. I want to say thank you to everyone for everything, because I know I don’t say it enough.  Thank you for being so nice to this socially inept, weirdo of a human. Thank you  for putting up with me!

Being at college, I’ve finally started caring about things again. I hadn’t really many interests for a few years and now I have the radio society of which I became a committee member of. First of all, my role was the first one announced and I was sitting there freaking the fuck out to see if I had gotten voted in. When  I did I had a mini panic attack and tried to make a joke because everyone was looking at me,which like maybe 2 people laughed at. I was very happy and we had(and still have until January) a lovely committee especially boss man(Dexter!!) Also the day of the voting was the day I was giving out the Christmas cards so it probably looks as though as was trying to buy votes but I swear it just so happened to be the same day I didn’t plan it out like that. I haven’t been perfect at my job but I think I’ve learned  lot and hopefully I get voted in again for next year because that would just be great and I want to improve in it!

This blog I think is turning into pure waffle at this stage like I started writing it a couple of weeks ago and spent the last 3 nights writing more of it and trying to finish it off. I love college and I’m glad I get to go back in September along with a group of lovely, wonderful people who I have the absolute privilege to call my friends!!  1st year was absolutely amazing so let’s hope 2nd year treats me better. In September I’ll be moving into student accommodation so I can’t wait to see how that goes. My first time living away from home. I couldn’t be more excited. I am worried about my limited abilities in cooking  and cleaning but like I did Home Ec. for 3 years surely I learned something.Not much because I preferred the theory part but it’ll be fine. The important thing is I won’t have to stay in college until 9pm and then walk down to get the bus home and not actually be home until like half 10. I will be able to go out whenever I want and not have to ask to stay on someone’s couch. Those couches are not comfortable. They’re also not very big but I’m short so that doesn’t matter to me too much. Let’s be having you 2nd year I’m ready for you. I’m going to ace Databases just you wait and see!!