I’ve started like 4 blogs over the past few weeks but I haven’t finished them nor am I going to. I just keeping getting an urge to write something almost every night but some of it is more therapeutic than my normal blogs. The last one I started writing has been especially good for expressing the way I’m feeling about certain things at the moment. It’s just a stream of consciousness so I was just writing everything I was thinking about. I’ve been feeling really agitated and easily annoyed recently just by being in my house all of the time. I could be going a bit stir crazy. I will leave the house tomorrow though because I have to keep looking for a job but I won’t do much job searching tomorrow. I have things I need to check first like my bank account because I haven’t checked that in while.
I have plans for next weekend. I have spent the last like 2 weeks mentally preparing myself for it. This is something I have to do for this night out especially given the fact that I haven’t seen a lot of these people in months. Also I haven’t seen any friends of mine since the end of last month. So because of all that I have to remind myself of the basic rules of communicating with people. One of these rules being, no complaining about how boring my summer has been thus far. I need to pretend that I’ve had an average summer and just talk about that one night I went out last month! That’s the main thing anyways other mental prepping includes reminding myself not to get over excited. Also there might be a bit of a crowd and town will be super busy so I shouldn’t panic. Just walk into town a little early and be to the place that the party is on at the time it says it’s starting because I can’t stand being late. If I feel a bit panicky or scared on the walk in I need to just suck it up and keep walking. If I feel panicked when I get there I just need to get a drink find a quiet corner and sit down or else look around and try to find someone I know. So long as it’s not the guy who used to bully me a lot in primary school because I know he’s going to this party and although those things are behind us now I still don’t like being around him and I managed to avoid him all year in college.
I spent a lot of my time recently watching stand up comedy, mostly the female stand ups because I don’t ever hear about them. I knew they existed but up until I started watching clips from the likes of ‘Live at the Apollo’ and ‘Russell Howard’s Good News’, I couldn’t name one. I regret not looking them up sooner because they are really funny and I watch the same videos of theirs over and over again because some of them don’t have that many stand up videos on Youtube. I’ve always been really interested in comedy but for the last few years I was usually watching sketch comedy like ‘Saturday Night Live’. I used to think that stand up was just an excuse for men to make racist, sexist, and all around offensive jokes on stage and just have an audience laugh instead of call them out on their bullshit. I have come across a few male stand ups that I love but that list isn’t long especially in comparison to female stand ups. I don’t know is it because the female stand ups are less reliant on making jokes about sex and going too far with those types of jokes. Also I relate more to their jokes. Here is just a few of the female stand ups I’ve been watching a lot of lately.
I don’t think you can have enough comedy. I think I cling to it even more when I’m not around people because I like having a reason to laugh. Also because I want to be like them. I try to think of what I would talk about if I did stand up. I tried writing the start of my script for a stand up routine but I can already tell that will take a lot of time. I also have to be in a certain mood where I can write for that. It’s extremely difficult for me to write something that I’m trying to make funny. I know I can be funny and I’ve made up enough scenarios in my head of conversations with people where if they actually happened they would without a doubt be laughing. Not that that is proof of me being funny but it gives me confidence in making jokes. I have had conversations before where I will have said a joke that I actually thought of a few days before but it seems to the other person that I’ve made it up on the spot. This is rare but it does happen. I do plan out certain interactions beforehand. It’s not my fault if the other person doesn’t stick to the script and takes over the reins and improvises. They just make the script better!
I find these blogs one of the easiest ways to let people know that I’m still alive and not to worry, I haven’t died. Just in the off chance that someone gets concerned about that. Like I don’t talk to people incredibly often and if I didn’t spend all my days liking a load of stuff on Facebook and posting these blogs, no would know where I was. I have spent a lot of time when I’m not watching comedy, listening to music. Like for the past couple of days I’ve been listening to the Pitch Perfect 2 soundtrack on repeat. I re-watched it the other day and when one scene in it comes up I can’t help but smile at it and I’ll tell you why. So I uploaded my first proper profile photo on Facebook a few months ago. It was a selfie I took with my DSLR camera and I took it using the monochrome setting so that no one could really see all the details of my face because I was also wearing make-up to cover up spots and freckles and just everything. So there was a few comments on it, which is standard but since this was my first real time putting up one the comments were more genuine than normal. So one of my friends commented a screenshot from Pitch Perfect 2 which was of Anna Kendrick’s character Beca saying “You are physically flawless”. Of course since I can’t take compliments seriously at all I just replied with a screenshot from Futurama that basically said “You make good jokes”. I didn’t believe the compliment I just found it funny and I just laughed at it. We were talking about it there again like a month ago and she was saying just about that line from Beca in the movie and I was like “You commented that on my profile photo”. She was like “Yeah I did, I had just saved it onto my phone a few days before and it was also relevant for your photo”. I couldn’t help but smile but I tried to hide that and then just sound like really defiant or something and said “No it wasn’t relevant at all!!” She said that is was and I just look away from her because I didn’t want her to see me smiling about it. I’m a really stubborn person but I’ve learned over the last few months that she is also an extremely stubborn person, maybe it’s one of the reasons we get along so well.
I’ve been trying to sing a new cover recently but I haven’t been happy with any of the recordings. Some parts of songs are fine and others are horrific. Like for some songs I can sing the verses perfectly but then the chorus is supposed to be sung a bit higher and it just sounds awful when I try to do it. Either way it is just fun to play these songs on guitar and laugh at how bad it’s going. It’s not like I need to record it, I just do it for fun. Also if I listen back to it I can hear what I’m doing wrong and try to improve up it. My dad said at the start of the summer that if I can’t get a job I’ll need to go busking in the town centre. I am now considering it more than ever but I know I wouldn’t be able to do. I would be shaking to the point that I would keep dropping the pick and my voice would waver too much or else no sound would come out of my mouth at all. So for now, performing for just myself is all I can manage to do. There is songs that I can’t play on the guitar so I’ll just sing songs like that while I’m in my room and I’ll sing into my microphone close my eyes and pretend that I’m on stage. Still I’d rather be on stage for stand-up than for singing.