So over the past month, primarily the last 2 weeks, I have been feeling incredibly down maybe even depressed one might say. I have cried almost every single day for the past month except for the days that I saw friends. That totals to 3 days; 2 nights out for parties and 1 day where I met up with some friends. The days following the 1st night out I was a bit down. However I was incredibly happy for a few days after the 2nd night out. It was a Saturday night and I was still reeling and feeling great until like the Wednesday. That’s like 4 days in a row where I felt good. That wasn’t to last long though as the impending doom which would be arriving on the following Monday started to plague my mind.
My brothers’ girlfriend arrived on the 18th of July and I started really thinking about her arrival from the Thursday beforehand hence why I started to feel down again. I really don’t like her and her presence in the house just makes me feel like I’m invisible and I’m some sort of alien like I’m the one that is out of place. When I was first told she was going to be coming here I had just had a conversation with a friend who had some bad news and I was concentrating more on that. I was more concerned about how my friend was and it would be selfish of me to start fretting and being pissed off about some harmless girl that I happen to find totally irritating would be staying at my house. I was first told that she would be here for two weeks, which I thought was fine. Then a few days before she arrived I was told 3 weeks which I was like, okaaay still not the worst. Now I’ve found out that she isn’t leaving until the fucking 12th of August. She’ll have been here practically a whole month. She’ll then be gone back to America for about 2 weeks before she comes back to Ireland to go do her Masters in the college my brother is also doing his Masters. At least when she gets here they will be moving straight away to Limerick because she arrives like the day before orientation.
She isn’t really the reason why I’m feeling down but her being around doesn’t help matters. I think I’ve been feeling depressed lately because I’ve spent so much time in my room. I’m not there all the time like I’ve been out a lot over the past few weeks but it’s all been with family except for last Wednesday when I broke away from them and spent a few hours with friends instead. I find myself looking off and just spacing out. Like I’m focusing on nothing and I just kind of feel empty. I even started cutting, like with an actual knife, a few days ago. I’m really bad at it though I was just using this small sharp knife at first and I’ll did was make thin red lines. However last night I started using this huge knife, something like a butcher knife, and I caused myself to bleed from a purposely self inflicted wound for the first time. Not something to be proud of I know, but also not something to be ashamed about. I’d rather focus on something like a scar instead of a dark emptiness that is taking over. Like right now about an hour after causing yet another couple scars, that sort of bled but not really, are currently stinging. So at the moment I’m thinking about them instead of letting myself start to think about something to upset me which I’ve been doing a lot recently. It isn’t difficult to do when you have nothing to deter these upsetting things and counter act it with something positive.
It’s difficult to describe how I feel when I’m depressed. It’s something I think I understand in the moment but I can’t put it into words. While last Wednesday, the day I was with my two friends from college, was good overall I had two moments when I could feel my mind or my heart or both being engulfed by a dark hole of sorts. The first was on my way in the car to Tralee but that was mostly because I was squashed in the back seat with my brother and his gf, while they did awkward public displays of affection. The way they touch and put their arms around each other just looks awkward. This feeling hits me all of a sudden. I can just be sitting there not really thinking about anything and I just get this negative feeling inside where I really hate where I am in that moment. I feel like I need to get out. I feel uncomfortable. This can be either where I am physically in that moment or mentally or sometimes even both. I think in that moment it was physically because I didn’t want to be in the car next to them. Thank God it wasn’t a long drive because the week before we were all in the car driving for like 4 or 5 hours and I actually started to feel sick just sitting because of sitting next to them and having spurts of that feeling of not wanting to be there. I never feel sick in a car, that was literally one of the first times I’ve ever felt sick while being in a car. The 2nd time I felt that sudden depressed feeling on Wednesday though was when I was in a church 5 minutes into mass. I was at an anniversary mass for my uncle who died 26 years ago and we have a mass to remember him every year and then we go back to my Nan’s house after mass. I feel weird about being religion these days anyways but I felt really freaked out for a few minutes when the sudden feeling hit. I contemplated getting up and walking out but I’m not the type of person to get up in the middle of something and walk out when everyone can see me and would be watching me. I was also sitting at the front of the church so what I did was just look down for a bit and try to focus on the mass finishing. The mass was like half the length of a normal mass too it was only like 15 minutes so I was lucky in that respect.
The fact that I’ve been crying almost everyday for the past month is what I find really odd. I used to be a massive crybaby when I was younger but these days I hardly cry usually. I’ve yet to actually cry because I’m sad in front of anyone from college because one I haven’t had many reasons to and I don’t want them to see me cry either. I’m fairly good at controlling when I cry so it’s not something I really do in public unless I’m at the cinema or something but that’s in the dark and I wipe the tears away before the lights come on. I don’t like people seeing me cry anyways because I like keeping all my feelings and emotional expression to myself because I don’t want to upset them or anything. They could be going through something much worse, which they probably could be because I’m probably just being selfish and being upset about nothing. One of the days I was crying I had actually started thinking back to when I used to get bullied as a child. Since I was about 8 I started getting bullied on a constant basis by the guys who were in my class. They knew it was easy to get me angry and they would tease me and torment me constantly. Whenever I would tell a teacher on them I would always get the same response “Did they really? What did they say?” The boys always bullied me in a way that what they said wasn’t really mean but it was the way the said it and the way that they meant it. However, no matter how much it effected me, the teachers always said “Well that doesn’t sound bad. I can’t do anything unless you have proof that they said something and that that something was actually bad.” I remember when I got seated next to one of my main bullies, who was a good friend of my best friends, and he wouldn’t stop saying things to me during class one day. I was just on the verge of tears being like “Just shut up, just stop” I think we had a substitute teacher that day and not our normal teacher. Our normal teacher hated me anyways so the response that I got from this sub wouldn’t have been much different had our normal teacher been there. I put up my hand and we were all supposed to be doing like work quietly so she walked over and asked what I wanted. I asked if I could change seats because he won’t stop saying things to me and it’s making me upset and I can’t do my work. The response I got was “Well I can’t move you because that’s your assigned seat. I haven’t heard any noise from him. You seem to be the one making all the noise from what I could hear. So just be quiet and do your work and stop disrupting the class.” Since my friends were also friends with that guy anytime I got bullied by him they wouldn’t care. They would tell me I take things too seriously and I need to lighten up. Is it any wonder why I bottle up everything these days??
In a way to cheer myself up now I’m thinking of actually going outside the house myself without being with family which I haven’t done in like over 2 weeks. There’s 3 films I really want to see that are in the cinema at the moment;’The BFG’,’Finding Dory’ and ‘Ghostbusters’. It’s hard to decide which one of these I should go see in the cinema because I don’t think I can really afford to go see all 3. So what I did to help pick one was thinking of which one would be the best to see on the big screen and I’ve concluded that the best one to probably see on the big screen would be ‘The BFG’. So I think I’ll go see that tomorrow. It’s technically a Disney film and I haven’t seen a Disney film in the cinema since Frozen and that was my sweet 16 birthday party. Which was a party of one because I went by myself as I have the last couple of times I’ve been to the cinema over the past few months. Which is fine because I get anxious eating popcorn in front of people because it’s such a loud snack. However, it’s always nice when you go to see a movie with someone and you can both walk out of the cinema talking about how great the film was. I guess I can just look for some reviews online to see what people really think of the film after I get out of the cinema.
It doesn’t help that I’ve been isolating myself a lot recently. I have one friend from college who I’ve been talking to on a semi-regular basis. Other people who I really don’t know what to say to them. Then there is also people who I’ve chosen not to speak to because I think I should give them some space from me. I really want to talk to them but most people I know are busy with work and I don’t want to annoy them or for them to waste any of their free time,where they should be relaxing,talking to me.