I Think I’m Happy.

I know this isn’t normal and I’m usually only happy in short moments that are spread out sporadically and always in the company of my favourite people. However, at the moment I really feel as though I’m consistently happy throughout the day. Last week I started to notice that I was happier but due to some things that happened at the end of last week,my happy streak was cut short and I had an anxiety filled weekend. This week has gone fairly well but due to what happened last week, things were a little different there for a few days but that all got sorted out last night. I think some of this current happiness is attributed to how happy and excited one of my friends has been all week. For the last little while things have been stressful for her and it was really nice to see her so excited.

The realization of this happiness happened last night though. I was out for a 21st and we were pre drinking which was luckily happening in my student accommodation. We were there for just less than 2 hours. We then went into town to the nightclub and thank god it wasn’t as packed as the two nights I went out last week. I actually enjoyed being at the nightclub last night. After that we got a lift to Mcdonalds and got food then returned back to Oakfield. Jodi and I stayed outside to have a cigarette or four, while everyone else went inside and started eating. I don’t know how this came about but we ended up spending the bones of like I’d say 45 minutes outside at the bottom of the steps smoking and singing, not really caring that our food was going cold. Except not only was the food cold it was also nearly all gone. It was about 4am when we were outside singing and Oakfield was dead quiet. I was fairly drunk at that point and Jodi was definitely drunk. I know for definite that she was drunk because that was the first time I’ve heard her properly sing and I think I spent half the time we were outside just watching her in awe or something like awe. There was some of the songs I didn’t know so it was just her singing a few of them and she just seemed so content. She also kept stating that she usually doesn’t really sing in front of people and that it was a pretty big deal that she was singing. When we eventually went back inside and noticed our food was mostly gone, we decided to go on an adventure. We got a taxi back to McDonalds and got more food then went back to my place to have it.

It was while we were in my place that the thought of happiness suddenly hit me. I was talking about a guy who used to bully me for years and since he was part of the friend group I had been with,I couldn’t hate him or else my friends would drop me as a friend. Talking about that actually made me really sad but then I stopped for a few minutes and thought about where I was last night, in that moment in my apartments kitchen. “I’m just after being on a night out, it’s like 4:30am, I’m sitting here having McDonalds with someone who I’d consider as being one of the best friends I’ve ever had.” 9 years ago started off all types of insecurities and the feeling of worthlessness I felt about myself. 5 years ago my friend group that I was part of for almost 8 years left me because I was too negative and there might have been other reasons as to why they left but I don’t know what they are. My paranoid brain made up thousands of reasons why they left and why  no one would ever want to be my friend in the future. I’ve been suicidal for the last 9 years and I found myself thinking last night in that moment just sitting there that “I’m really glad I’m still alive. I’m really glad I didn’t kill myself.” When we finished I walked over to where Jodi was staying and hugged her goodnight. As she closed the door the last thing she said was “Go to bed ya big eejit”. I went to bed and I don’t think anything could’ve have wiped the smile off my face. I just felt like I had a really great night and that life is going great at the moment.

 

Advertisements

Moving Away And My First Freshers Week!

I’ve been living away from home for about 4 days now and needless to say I’m ecstatic about it. I love having the option to leave college a little early and walk only 15 minutes to a place where I can just go to bed straight away. I love not having to worry about a bus. I love having the choice to be alone and not have my parents calling me to go downstairs every time I sit down to relax in the evenings.

In many ways I feel like my mood has brightened a bit, however in other ways I feel like something is missing. A void that needs to be filled. I know that this coming year I will probably try and spend less time in the radio studio if at all possible. I get this overwhelming anxiety when I’m in there too long and people are constantly talking and I feel trapped in this social bubble. Even if they’re not talking to me I feel as though I have some sort of obligation to stay there and I also worry that they’ll never stop talking. There is a few times during the day were that void is filled but it tends not to last long. In those short little moments I do feel incredibly happy inside for some reason. I think to myself “This is why I’m happy I got up this morning”. I usually laugh a bit more and smile a lot more. When it’s over though I just go back to having that empty feeling. I spend the time between those moments, thinking about the last moment and smiling to myself about them. If not much has happened or my memory is failing me a bit I tend to read back on certain blogs that I wrote when I was having the time of my life, which are pretty much all ones pertaining to nights out in college. Since I need a constant validation that my company is wanted by at least someone that I like spending time with, I read those to remind myself that somebody likes me. I don’t get a huge vibe that they hate me or anything but I’m just a very paranoid person.

On Monday and Tuesday night one of my new housemates, who is really cool, and I went across to mingle with some of our new neighbours. Everyone in my student accommodation that I’ve met so far are all really nice. Tuesday was a bit of a better night because we went to the house straight over from us. Every time my housemate and I would go outside to smoke they’re was usually two people across at that house and they’d wave in the window at us too during the day. Turns out they are going to be in my class now and I can’t wait because I actually get on with them fairly well. We were drinking and smoking during the night and there was a few from that house and a few people from the house we had been in on the Monday. They were at one point seeing if they remembered everyone’s name and when they got to me it took them a while to get it. So they decided that Sandy would be a much easier name to remember. So the new guy that’s going to be in my class said Sandy the way John Travolta says it towards the end of Grease. The two of us ended up singing “You’re The One That I Want” before I went to bed. I woke up Wednesday morning then and got sick. I need to sort this out because 90% of the nights I’ve been out over the past year I’ve gotten sick. The fact that I usually find it hard to take a deep breath also makes me feel more sick.

I was supposed to be quitting smoking there on Monday and that was going well until about half 12 and I started again. For the record, it wasn’t on my agenda to quit at all. I got a call from Jodi last week saying that we were quitting. She said if we quit together it might be easier. It seemed like she did really want to quit and like if me quitting too helped her to do that of course I would stop. We decided on Monday that we just needed to cut down and we didn’t need to quit cold turkey. However, I did end up smoking a total of 16 cigarettes and half a rollie on Tuesday. I don’t think I was really ready to quit but like it would’ve been the right thing to do if not for my health then for Jodi’s health. I’ve never liked the fact that she smokes just like she’s never liked that I started smoking. I get really worried when anything comes up in relation to any of my friends’ health. I never say anything though because I don’t want them to get worried, so it tends to be something I think about when I’m on my own. One of the main reasons I started smoking was to become more social and it actually helped a lot. At most of the events I was at during the year I talked to people the most when I was out at the smoking area. Also now with me living in Tralee with a housemate and neighbours that smoke it kinda helped me to talk to them a bit easier.

So now that I’m living away from home and I actually know people here now, I went out last night for my first every Freshers Week. I actually had a really good time despite blacking out and having a massive anxiety attack. I’m getting ahead of myself let me take it back to the start of the night. So Stan and I started pre drinking at my place at about 8 o clock and we were there for about and hour and a half before going across to one of the houses in Oakfield I’d been at earlier in the week. I drank a pint bottle of Orchard Thieves and a pint bottle of Sombrero. We were at that house for about 15 minutes before going over to the 4th years in our course. That is really when the night started. For like the first time ever I wore a top going out that showed my stomach and I wasn’t sure about it but I always thought they looked nice and I would get jealous seeing girls wearing them. I think when we went over to the 4th years I felt comfortable wearing it. This being because when I walked in Jodi noticed what I was wearing and I instinctively folded my arms over my stomach to block it and she said “Stop blocking it!!” We were there for a bit before getting a taxi over to Cois Ceim where there was more TV/Radios over there. I saw Dexter for the first time in months and I was really happy because I actually had started to miss him. While we were there though Jodi noticed the scars on my arm and I was really worried she was going to start crying and luckily she didn’t, her eyes watered a bit but no crying ensued during that moment. We were there for a long enough time before eventually getting a taxi into town to go to the nightclub which for all intensive purposes I will refer to as Quarters,for now, because I’m more used to calling it that.

We got in and I saw a few familiar faces inside i.e. some of the people from my year. This was first proper time spending an extended period of time inside Quarters, and it wasn’t the worst. It was packed and anxiety was fairly bad throughout and I covered my face with my arms a few times in an attempt  to block everything out. I blacked out while we were in the middle of the massive crowd of people on the dance floor. I assume I blacked out because I feel like that moment was as if I was in a video where the editor was really excited to use jump cuts. The moment I fell I immediately covered my face and hoped that if I pretend I’m not there none of my friends will have noticed and they’ll be gone when I open my eyes. My initial thoughts were “This is extremely embarrassing, I hope no one’s looking.Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why did you go out to the nightclub you fucking imbecile?!” I could feel someone helping me up and I was thinking “Shit, they noticed!” When I opened my eyes again and moved my arms away I could see Jodi in front of me and concluded that she was the one helping me up and if it wasn’t so packed I would have fucking ran out of there and probably cried my eyes out.Then I just felt really fucking scared about what had just happened and was in the midst of my major anxiety attack and just hugged Jodi and I was really surprised I wasn’t crying. My new neighbour and all around lovely human, who does Creative Writing, walked with me out of the crowd and to a less busy part of Quarters. She kind of calmed me down a bit and I started to feel somewhat normal again. We left shortly after that because Quarters was closing and we started slowly but surely making our way to find food. I spent €8 on a pizza and I only ate half of it. It was while we were waiting for some of our friends to get their food that Jodi started getting all emotional and was really upset about my scars and that I felt sad. She was saying that she never wants anyone to feel sad ever and the fact that I did made her really upset. Right before we left she started crying and I just felt like shit. She hates the thought of somebody being sad. I hate seeing someone I care about cry,especially when it’s my fault. We had to go then and she was wiping tears away and I just couldn’t help but feel like this all could have been avoided if I actually hid my scars like I thought about doing, or you know not actually cut my arm in the first place.

While we were walking to the place to get food, Jodi was holding my hand the whole time mostly in an attempt to steady herself I think. She didn’t admit that she was drunk until we got home but like I could tell for ages that she was gone like. As we were walking she was saying things like I was her guardian angel and that she loved me, only something commonly uttered by someone who’s inebriated. I’m not a complete pessimist so everything she said to me, no matter how much I knew that they were things she was saying because she was drunk and that she might not remember saying. I remember though and that’s enough to keep me happy for however long this happiness will last. I didn’t cut myself this morning so that’s a sign that I am really happy. We went up to Cois Ceim again after Quarters but we didn’t stay there very long. We walked backed to Oakfield from there then. As soon as we get out the door Jodi gets right back into the conversation from the takeaway and was like “Did you see that I cried earlier?” She said something that is all I think I’ve ever wanted to hear  from someone and I’ve never realised how much I needed to hear it until she said it and I think that could be what extends this happy feeling longer than usual. She said “Don’t ever feel like nobody loves you. There is always someone who loves you and that someone is me.” Due to my social anxiety, I feel at my worst when I feel like I’m an annoyance or people I like don’t like me. So what she said meant more to me than she probably knows.