It Was The Best Of Times,It Was The Worst Of Times!

I’ve been a having one of the most stressful,tiring,amazing,awful,interesting weeks of my life. The week started off with me pulling two all-nighters in a row on Sunday night and Monday night until I finally went to sleep at half 6 Tuesday morning. I didn’t think I was going to wake up and you know what the thought didn’t scare me I didn’t care if I woke up I slept until 5 past 1 in the day, I didn’t have class until two and even though I made it in I didn’t go because I still hadn’t finished the work I stayed up those two nights doing. I got into the studio and I made it clear to one of the guys in there that I had work to do so I would like to be left alone. I had to say it in the nicest way I could because even though I was super stressed I was still able to remember that other people have feelings and if I yelled “Fuck off” at them they might have gotten upset so I couldn’t do it. Anyways he didn’t leave me alone. After I told him I had work to do he came in two more times. Upon his first re-entrance he made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt genuinely scared. He walked in, closed the blinds and said “Do you like sitting in the dark?” I just told him “I don’t really care.” What I wanted to say was “I don’t fucking know I’m trying to work here and I guess I don’t have a choice because you’re the one who went and closed them . I think you’re the one who likes sitting in the dark don’t drag me into this I don’t have time.” I sent Jodi a snap that was sarcastic but I just needed to tell someone immediately upon him leaving the room because I felt really weird after that interaction. After I sent the snap too he came back in and open the blinds and then left again and never came back in. Jodi responded anyways and she text me to give her a ring. So I did and talking to her made me feel a bit better, she was only on her way into college at that time. She said she was walking to the bus and I was like “You’re on the way into college? Yayyyy!” When she got to college she went into the room that I was in and talked to me for a bit while I did my work and it actually helped me get more work done and she knew that it would. Not only was I getting work done but I was feeling less stressed talking to her.

Before she got to college, when I first started doing work I punched one of the walls in the studio. It might seem to some people now that I’ve developed or have an anger problem. Well the truth is I’ve always had one but due to my mother’s constant restrain on my expression of anger, I’ve had to bottle up too much anger for far too long. It’s seems really aggressive to punch a wall, I know, but I find it similar to cutting. It’s just a method of self-harm to me. I would never think about hitting something I know I would break. I seem to have no problem hitting something that could break me. I would never hit someone unless they attack me first and I’m just using self defense. I’d rather feel 100% pain all the time both mentally and physically if it meant no one else had to feel even an ounce of pain ever.

Since I skipped my 2hr class that started at two to do work, I had some time off so I spent it in the studio with Jodi and a few others. I was supposed to have a 2hr class starting at 4 but I didn’t feel up to going. I missed a lot of classes this week and it probably makes it seem that I don’t care about my course. I fucking care I just wanted to avoid having an anxiety attack which I knew I’d get if I tried to sit through some of those classes. I have had a cold for the past two weeks. I never missed any classes because of it. If I did I’m no one would say anything. So if anyone dares say anything about me missing classes this week because I didn’t feel up to it mentally, you can go fuck yourself. At about quarter past 4 Jodi and two of the guys who also do our course, were going for a drive down to Manor West. I decided to go with them and when we were walking through the dirt carpark at the back of the college, I slipped and fell because it was really muddy. For once I didn’t immediately pull my knees to my chest and try to hide my head. I didn’t feel nearly as much embarrassment as I should have. It made me feel like I was starting to feel for the first time since I was a child comfortable to be able to not get embarrassed in front of someone I’m friends with and just laugh it off. I don’t know if I’ve ever laughed off something like though. This might have been a first. It made me feel good about myself. I was developing in some way. I thought it was a sign that I was starting to get slightly better. The whole day on Tuesday I was being extra funny, or at least trying to be funnier than usual. I made people laugh a lot throughout the day and that is my favourite thing to do so I was happy. I went home that evening and my housemates as well as a few of my other friends who live in Oakfield and I were having a few drinks in the house because we all had a stressful few days and we needed it. We were trying to watch a movie on Netflix but after a long time of trying to decide Anchorman 2 ended up being put on. I couldn’t stay up to watch much of it because I had to get up extra early the next morning to go to a protest in Dublin.

On Wednesday 19th October, I went on my first protest. I loved it. I loved it. I LOVED IT!!! I didn’t care how early I had to get up. I didn’t care that I got about 3 and a half hours of sleep, I was ready to go. I got a drive up to the bus luckily I really didn’t want to walk up in the dark. I got to to sit next to Stan on the bus which was great because we both were just making jokes the whole time  and we both knew that we were really interested in this protest and were both glad that people who weren’t interested or didn’t care, stayed at home because they would have killed our excitement. They would have complained constantly. They wouldn’t have taken it seriously. I liked the drive up to Dublin and then once we got to the city I was just looking around in awe at a city a know very little about. I had been to Dublin a total of two times before Wednesday, to go to the zoo when I was 8, and to go to the airport two year ago. Both times I went before, I hardly saw the city. We quickly met up with the crowd filled with students, parents, lecturers, from all over the country. We were all united fighting for something that we feel strongly about, our RIGHT to education. Before we even started the march I started getting teary-eyed at what was happening, what I was doing and that I was actually doing it. I get really panicky in massive crowds but for some reason being in the middle of that crowd just felt right. I was shouting all the chants along with everyone else and getting really inspired by how passionate so many people were about it. I wasn’t even tired after the walk, my legs felt fine and I could still breathe. When we got to the end of the march there was stage where a few people made speeches. There were all really good but the one I can’t get over is the one by Annie Hoey, the President of the USI. I think it was the best speech I’ve ever heard in my entire life and I clung onto every word of it. The more the speech went on the louder her voice got. She ended the speech with one of the main chants “What do we want? Education! When do we want it? Now!” We did that about three times and then she ends it with “THEN FUCKING FIGHT FOR IT!!!!” I cried at her speech. Once that was finished we walked up to where our bus would be turning up and went and got Starbucks. We ended up then having to wait like an extra hour for our bus to show up and another half an hour for it to go. For the most part, I didn’t mind waiting I thought it was kind of fun in a way. It was absolutely freezing but I didn’t care I was still just so incredibly happy with how the day went. We got to go to the Barack Obama Plaza in Moneygall and get food. It was all I ate that day. I went 14 hours with eating anything except a few pringles.

When I got home I was still so happy, even though I had to go try and study for my Databases exam which was the next day and I only got home at like 11 I think. The house was empty when I got home because my housemates had gone for a few drinks. They got back less than an hour after me so I went back downstairs and talked to them for a bit. I sat down and they asked me how it went and I said it was brilliant and it was the best thing ever. I was there for a while and I had this massive grin on my face and they were like “What’s got you so happy? What happened today that made you so happy? Did you get the shift or something?” I was just happy because of everything, and no I did not shift anyone still waiting for the day where that happens! I got up the next day and I was very tired. I made my way into college to hand up the journals I had spent doing during my all nighters. Then I tried to study more for my exam but didn’t have too much time since the exam was at 11. The exam went to shit about half way through and I couldn’t do it. When I finished the exam I walked out feeling really terrible and contemplated jumping over the balcony from the 2nd/3rd floor (whatever you’d call it) down to the ground floor. I didn’t do it though. I went into the studio and I kicked the soft wall, leaving a shoe dent in it. I also kicked an round orange small seat we have because I needed to get my anger out. I then went for a cigarette and smoked it in two minutes which is a new record.  I went back to the studio and sat down with my head down and one of the 4th years asked me why I was doing that and I said it was because my exam went shit. I went out for another cigarette shortly after and met Jodi in the smoking area. We walked back in together and went to the studio. Now she’s been feeling sick for all of this week and last week. During this week though whenever one of us would sit down next to her or we were just there she would ask some specific “Comfort me”. Can you guess who she never asked? She had been saying that since Monday and I think it only bothered me Thursday because I was already in a mentally unstable state. My thought process about it from that day was-Why didn’t she want me to comfort her? I mean I was sitting beside her in the union Tuesday evening and she asked someone else who sat on the other side of her after I did to comfort her. That still wasn’t what made me feel weird about it. I guess I have no idea how to comfort people or at least I must give off that vibe. I guess hugging me isn’t in any way comforting. Maybe I should stop hugging people? I mean it must make them uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter if it’s something that I really like and comforts me, I must put everyone else’s feelings before my own.

Then a few of us went into the studio and Jodi went on Facebook. Usually when she’s on it in the studio I glance through a few posts that come up in her news feed like a few weeks ago when a article for “Top 10 Harry Potter moments that will make you cry!” We both looked at each other and Jodi was like “Are we ready for this? I don’t think I am.” We started reading it but unfortunately a class came in. Anyways back to present day. On Thursday this wasn’t the case because all the seats near the desk were taken so I sat on the window sill that is near the desk but it the computer Facebook is on is impossible to see when sitting there. So I sat there thinking about everything that was going wrong with me and trying to figure out what was happening. Simultaneously I was trying to scratch lines across my arm using the sharpest finger nail I could find. It wasn’t very sharp so while it did create lines it didn’t cause any loss of blood. I looked up and saw Jodi laughing at something she saw on Facebook with one of the girls in my class. I felt like Jodi was sort of ignoring me while we were in there. We eventually went out for a cigarette again. I went out to the smoking area with Jodi and the girl from my class, then the new guy in my class was out shortly after and he is vital to this story so he is getting a name in these blogs already. I’m going to call him Derek, because that’s his go to fake name. So everyone knew I was in a bad mood for most of the day and while we were in the studio before we went outside Derek asked did I want a hug. I said no. Then when we went outside and Derek was out a little bit after us, I had my back turned to the direction he was coming from so when he walked out he went up behind me and gave me a hug. I said I didn’t want a hug but all I wanted/needed was a hug. He was then saying other things to help comfort me. Jodi then said that she was trying to give me space when we had been in the studio and tried not to make eye contact with me because she wanted to take a different approach and also she thought that she was upsetting me in some way and didn’t want to make it worse. I told her that by giving me space it made it so much more worse. I also asked why she thought she was upsetting me? Like how could she have upset me, she did absolutely nothing to me!! She gave me a hug and said “I’ll never give you space again”. I’m actually fine if she does that again I would just like to know that she’s doing that next time so I don’t feel like I did something wrong. She will have to give me space at some point because she might be the one who needs the space from the negativity that radiates off me when I’m having one of my bad days. I felt guilty on Thursday that I was making the people around me sad by feeling mentally messed up, confused, and fairly depressed. I felt like I should have tried to pretend to be happy just so I wouldn’t bring anyone else down.

After we went in from the smoking area, it was just me a Derek who went into the studio. Jodi and the girl in my class entered a little after that. Derek and I went into the actual room that has the desk in it as opposed to just the entrance part that Jodi stayed in before she had to leave. Already in the desk room was the guy who did the creepy curtain thing to me on Monday and Misty, one of my favourite 3rd years. I was sitting there starting to cry and they were all concerned. The curtain guy started saying stuff like “I really wish I had you as a sister instead of my two I have because they are just social media magnets”. He’s said this to me before and I wouldn’t have minded except the fact that I did absolutely nothing good. I was sitting there being a depressed, emotional, girl who was confused with everything. I replied saying “You’d rather have a depressed, anxious, confused girl instead of people who just spend all day on social media??” I didn’t understand what he was trying to get out of saying that. He then told me to just go home and cry in my room alone. First of all, the last thing I fucking needed was to be alone. Second of all, I get that can be helpful sometimes but don’t tell me what to fucking do I want to stay in college. Then he said something along the lines of “Don’t worry you’ll be grand, nothing’s wrong with you!!” Derek immediately rolled his wheely chair over to me a grabbed my hand and stroked his thumb over the top of it as a means of comfort. He then turned to curtain guy and said “You DO NOT say that to someone who’s having these kind of feelings. It makes it worse.” I started crying because of how concerned he was about me and how much he cared. Also how he was like “Do you want me to get you a bottle of coke, fanta, water etc?” I put my head in my hands and Misty came over to me a gave me a hug and said she hated seeing me upset. Then she pulled my hair back so my face could be seen. I cried again a few minutes later when Derek gave me the longest, tightest hug I’ve had in a long time. I started to feel a bit better when he put on the Grease soundtrack and starting singing to me. Grease is like the foundation  of our friendship really. It also would make anyone feel better. I wasn’t going to go class but since I started feeling better I decided to go. Also if I had stayed in the studio I would have been stuck with curtain guy.

Class was actually grand and I liked it. I went home straight after class and then hung out with my housemates and other friends in Oakfield at mine for the rest of the night. I saw Jodi later and she wasn’t there when Derek was cheering me up with Grease so she didn’t know that I was after cheering up. She said I looked like I was feeling a lot better and before she went back to where she was staying she gave me and hug. She came back again later to have a cigarette. I went to bed feeling a bit better but it was still like 2am before I went to bed so again I got very little sleep. I think the lack of sleep is really the main factor playing on all this mental shit.

 

I Have Officially Gone Mad!

A lot can happen in two weeks right? Guess I’m not that happy anymore. The reason I’m not is entirely my fault. No one has done anything to me to cause me to feel the way I do other than my messed up brain. I believe that I have now gone mad because I was being a bitch to someone I really care about for no reason. Let me paint the picture.

So we went out Thursday night to the Blasket bar to watch the Ireland vs. Georgia match. I had a pretty good time there I had a good few drinks, I got to spend a lot of time with everyone including said friend that I was a total bitch to. I even danced with her for ages and I was with her for some of the night. We then moved onto Hennesseys, a late bar, and it was here I could feel a shift in my thought process and my drunk mind was ready for stirring shit up for no reason. Don’t get me wrong though while we were in there I had a great time, I really like that bar, and their music wasn’t bad. Still gutted that we never danced to Cascada when they played ‘Everytime We Touch’. I was so tired by the time we got in there that I was sitting down one of the sofas and resting up against it. Even at one point I was just so tired that I laid my head on my friends shoulder because I couldn’t sit up anymore. So we left there when the friend I was bitchy to followed her friend and her friends’ roommate. The roommate was very drunk and they were making sure she got home okay. Of course my friend being her wonderful self had to ensure that they all got home safe so she said she would go with them. Leaving me to go back to my student accommodation on my own. Luckily I didn’t have to get a taxi alone because my other friend who was leaving shared one with me even though he was going back his house which is well away from where I was going to. Now it was when my friend decided to go with her other friends that the bitchiness suddenly started in me. I don’t really know what I was thinking but I remember feeling incredibly angry and hurt because I think I felt like I was being abandoned. I think I also felt like I wasn’t important, like it didn’t matter if I got home safe at all. Obviously this is ridiculous that I was thinking that way my friend is my friend not my babysitter. It was also obvious that I would get home safe because I was going getting a taxi with my other friend. We kind of hung around with her for a bit before we got our taxi though trying to convince her to go with us because all her stuff was in Oakfield. I let my friend I was getting the taxi with talk to her for a bit and I walked ahead and I started getting really frustrated. I ended up walking back to them and telling my friend “Come on we should just get our taxi and go. Jodi I will see you Monday or Tuesday or whenever, I don’t care when I see you.” Yes Jodi is the one that I was bitch to. She was really shocked she was like “Sandra?!” She was confused as to why I just said that because it was awful. It only got worse. I told my friend again who was still talking to Jodi “Come on let’s go, we don’t need her!” I was saying a bunch of shit that I always fear that my closest friend would say to me which is essentially to fuck off and they never want to see me again. Jodi stopped walking and started asking me what was wrong and why I was saying all this to her. I didn’t have an answer and everything I said to her was me trying to prove something to myself I think because I did really care when I saw her again and I do need her.

Then the worst thing happened. She started crying and any negative feelings I had towards her in that moment all disappeared and I was like “Please stop crying Jodi, I never wanted you to cry” and then she sat down on a nearby window ledge and still crying she was really upset and she really thought I hated her. She said something that I’ve on repeat in my head since then. She said “I feel like you’re giving up on me.” Is it possible for emotional heartbreak to give you and actual physical pain in your heart? Because I’ve felt a pain there all day since then. Why the fuck would I ever give up on her? I love her she has been nothing but the most amazing friend to me this past year. Underneath all the negativity I was feeling I was just denying the fact that I cared about her safety and worried about whether she would get home or not. I wanted to make sure she got home safe and that she got to a bed which she had waiting for her back in Oakfield. I know she needs to make sure those around her get home safe but does she ever consider it for herself? Her safety is just as important yet it would be the last thing she thinks about. I’m sure she was fine last night and she was able to stay in her friends house but I don’t how it went after I left because I didn’t talk to her today. Hey I got my wish from when I first started getting angry,I didn’t see her today. I told people I didn’t want to see her today. Except really she was the only person I wanted to see all day but at the same time I was afraid to see her. Anytime I was in the smoking area today I was worried she’d walk out and it made me really anxious. I don’t know why I didn’t want to see her. I went around acting as if she had done something to me and I had a reason to be angry at her but she didn’t do anything to me. Everything that happened was all my fault. I hurt her. I upset her. I made her fucking cry and feel the thing that I fear more than anything, not being friends with someone anymore. We did kind of sort it out and she said that if I needed her that she would stay with me and not go with her other friend. I told her she needed to go with them that I would be fine. I wasn’t fine and I knew I wouldn’t be but I knew she would feel a sense of guilt had she not gone with her other friend.

I will be a month free of cutting as of the 11th of October. On the taxi home Thursday night, all I could think about was getting home and cutting my arm as much as I could. I wanted to hash out all the emotions I was feeling and demolish my arm. I wanted to rip it to shreds. I never did it. I went up to my room and dropped my bag and cardigan on the bed and started to change into pajamas. I was like “Once I have this done I’ll go downstairs and try and get a knife.” I think I ultimately forgot about the knife because I was really drunk and I think I forgot about it because I was going to bed and then I heard my housemate come back home so I went downstairs to her and her friends. I thought about doing it the next morning but I knew that it wouldn’t help anything. The last time I made Jodi cry was almost a month ago, the day that I last cut myself. If I cut myself now I will just make everything worse. When I got to my room after having a cigarette with my housemate and her friends, I locked the door and started crying. I cried myself to sleep. I slept for a little over 5 hours straight. I woke up and my eyes started to water almost immediately and again I cried. I spent all day in college thinking about it and I was in class and I had to hold back tears. I didn’t cry while I was in college but I was very near to bawling my eyes out multiple times during the day.

I think I have gone mad because I hurt someone who I care about. I made her cry. I made her feel like shit for no reason. I, at one point, thought that I was a great at being a friend, now all I know is that I am the worst friend and everyone would be better off if they didn’t know me. The world would be a better place if I fucked off. If I was never born. My existence is not something that should ever be missed. I am messed up and I wouldn’t wish my company upon anyone else. So be happy I’m giving all of you who read this sad excuse of an explanation/apology, a ‘Get out of jail free’ card. The jail being your friendship with me. I understand if some of you leave. I don’t understand if any of you stay. “Jodi” if you’re reading this and you have gotten this far, I am so incredibly sorry and I know that’s not enough because what I did was a vile thing to do/say to anyone. I’m sorry for everything.