To Dexter,

Well it’s coming up to the time where you will depart from the college to go on work placement. It is also the time where I will realise how much I actually needed having you around. Over the past year and a half, you have been without a doubt ome of my favourite people that I’ve met at college even though I might not always say that. That is merely my gender bias as typically I do prefer girls. However, you have changed my perspective on that. When I entered college, a nervous and extremely socially anxious 17 year old, from the first day I met you you have always been really nice to me. Which before you, I didn’t think it would be possible for a guy to be in any way kind to me. You restored my faith in the male population.

I met you during the first week of classes. My class and I were in the R-block waiting for our lecturer to turn up. We told you that we were 1st year TV Radio and you introduced yourself to us and ask all our names. You urged us to join the radio society. We would see you two more times that week, again both times you were telling us to join the society. So when societies day eventually came along I signed up because although I didn’t know what to think of you because it felt like you were following us everywhere, I was interested to see what the society had to offer. I went to the first meeting you were the one I looked for in the crowded room because you were the only society member that I knew. You have continued to be one of the people I look for in a crowded room to this day.  I remember the first time I actually saw the desk and got a crash course on how to use it.  I was at the seating area across from the radio studio and was able to hear your morning show playing while I tried to get my work done. I got really excited when I heard you fade Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’ into Johnny Cash’s ‘I Walk The Line’. I thought it was the most amazing show ever because the songs weren’t the typical shitty pop songs that are constantly on commercial radio stations. You walked over to one of my classmates and I. I asked you “Was that you just on the radio there?” Trying to pretend as if I hadn’t already memorized the show timetable by the 3rd week of college. You said it was and asked if it was good because you could only play music because the microphones weren’t working (shocker).  I then proceeded to fangirl, to an extent, as I told you how much I loved the song choices and how cool I found the fading between songs. You then brought me and my classmate into the studio to show us how the desk worked and I immediately forgot everything, but thank you for the introduction to it. We all stayed in the studio until class started about an hour later. I told you that I was gay and then I think I quickly changed it to bi but stated I had a preference to women. I think that was the first time I had said it to someone in college. We started to show each other photos of each others friends and asked did the other people think they were hot or not. It was one of your ideas to do that, not mine.

The first time I think I hung out with you outside of the college grounds was the day of the power cut. It was in October and we all got to leave really early. So we went with the then 3rd years and another girl in my class to McDonalds. The 3rd year tables were already full so it was me,you and the girl in my class at a table together. You asked us who the bitch in our class was. I said “It’s obviously me.” You laughed at that. After that the 3 of us went with two 3rd years to your house. We were there for a while. You played call of duty with one of the 3rd years and kept saying things like “Isn’t my house really cool?” You were pretty much just trying to be really cool the entire time.

At the first normal meeting for Bang FM, the shows in which first years had to sit in on were being decided. You knew that I was a bit nervous about having to sit in on a show so you put me with the two chairpersons of the society and you assured me that they would be nice and welcoming and not to be nervous because they will teach me how to use the desk, and very well I might add. Through our conversations over the next few months I felt myself becoming more comfortable around both you and the rest of the members of the society. I was less afraid to go into the radio studio as I had been avoiding going in there for the first two months out of fear of everyone else. I was also very gullible in first semester to anything you told me. After a while I realised that you just talk a lot of shit and not everything you say actually happened. Like you weren’t as much of a stoner as you had me believe, but at the time it was all I could think of to write in the Christmas card I gave you. It was the end of December when we both got voted to be in the new committee for the society. I was so excited for myself because I got to be P.R.O. Even more than that though, I was really proud of you for becoming the chairperson. I knew that I had to have fun being on that committee because you would be on it. I always had fun even through all the stressful times of work.

I loved every meeting, especially the committee ones. We hadn’t much going on for the first month but then came the planning for our event as well as all the publicising I had to do for it. I liked being a part of something and I liked knowing what was going on before anyone else did.  The actual event planning and all my work online wasn’t all that bad. It was all very successful and the event itself went very well. The forms for BICS on the other hand were absolutely dire. We spent more time together during the time we were doing them than we ever have since. Every evening we would be doing forms and stressing out about them for a few weeks. We were even in doing work over the Easter break for them. There was points where I was getting so stressed that I got angry at you, and  actually most people around me at the time.  There was a few evenings where we would leave college and I remember one of them when we walking and it was a night where we had most of the work done. We got to the roundabout where you would have been crossing at to go home. You gave me a hug and were like “Thank you missus. Wouldn’t have been able to do all this without you.” I don’t think there was ever a time where you made me feel unappreciated. You made sure I knew that the work I was doing was good. I would like to thank you for that because it made me want to keep working and it made all the stress worth it. I liked that we communicated well. If something needed to be discussed about the society you would call me. You called me once on your walk to work and I don’t think many other people have realised that calling me is actually useful and that phones are capable of doing such things.

You are one of the few people who can deal with my mental health in a good way. You always kind of know what to say to me and you are constantly checking up on me. I was after having a major anxiety attack one day when we needed to get work done last year and I said to you “Right, I don’t want anyone in here bar you and Captain Kerry because we need to do work. Keep everyone else out. Except Jodi she’s cool I guess.” You always ask why I’m not feeling ok as opposed to just moving on from it and forgetting I said anything. You try to make me laugh during those times too because sometimes I’m upset for a stupid reason so you just call me a loser and tell me the truth that I am, in fact, bringing that pain onto myself and I need to stop doing that. You are right, yet I refuse to listen.  Recently you have been there for me even more. I tweeted something recently which was really bad and had I done what I said I wanted to do, it would have been harmful to me. Despite the fact that you do not follow me on twitter, you decided that you would look at it as a way to check up on me. You talked to one of my roommates as soon as you found out to check see if I was ok. You didn’t check with me directly or tell me about this until a day or two after because you didn’t want to freak me out. You told me that I was stupid for even thinking about it and I know I was. After you had this discussion with me on Thursday, you gave me a hug and that day I was also feeling really shitty so that hug actually meant a lot.  Even while writing this blog you were checking up on me to make sure I was ok.

So this semester started off with me seeing very little of you, which I was very vocal about not liking. I hated that I hardly saw you. Then about a month ago you started calling up to my house for tea and even spending almost every night of one week at my house always later than 1am. As this semester comes to a close I need to face the music that you won’t be around for next semester. I feel like I’ll be a bit lost without you. I’m trying not to think about too much about it for as long as possible. I guess the real point of this blog was to say that I will miss you. I know I’ll see you again in September but I’ll miss you face around college everyday. I know I don’t say it enough to you so I just want to say, thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the last year and a bit. Thank you for putting up with me when I’m in a bad mood. Thank you for caring about me because I’m always insecure about the fact that I feel like no one cares about me, but I know for definite that you do. I love you loser and let’s have one last hurrah before you leave for work placement!!

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I’m Losing My Memory

I’ve noticed over the past few months that my memory is getting worse and worse. For the most part I think it is attributed to my alcohol consumption as I have gone out at least once a week for almost every week since September.  It’s gotten a lot worse recently probably because I had a lot to drink over 3 nights in a row last week. I find it really hard to remember some parts of Pink Training. Like I took a snapchat of my friend dancing away in Chambers and I had no recollection of it and was really surprised to see it on my story the next day. It scares me when I can’t remember things. I usually have one of the best memory’s when it comes to nights out or any event in general. I can remember the smallest of details that everyone else always forgets ever happened.

I went out Thursday night and since I had no money I had to do all my drinking before the night club. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that drunk before. Even my drunk weekend seemed tame in comparison. I was over drinking at my house for a while before going to over to the 4th years place. I was langers when I got there. I was outside smoking a cigarette at one point and I kind of fell against the wall and said “I’m seriously drunk and I hate it.” I went back over the my place after a while to go to the bathroom and my roommate wouldn’t let me go back to the 4th years until I downed 2 pint glasses of water. It did nothing. Refreshing yes, but that is the extent of the help it gave me. We eventually went to Fabrik and for the first time ever I wasn’t asked for ID going in there. I had already bought my ticket so I could walk right in without queuing to pay. I told Jodi I was going to the bathroom and I’d see her inside. When I left the bathroom I couldn’t find anyone for what felt like ages. I got really upset and frustrated because I just felt really lost on my own and it was really busy there too so I was anxious as fuck. I felt like their was a war going on inside of brain,heart,liver and stomach all night. All locked away not to be shared with a soul. Even if I had told someone how I was feeling I really don’t think they would have understood the full extent of it. I don’t even fully understand it.

I’d say my favourite part of the night was the walk home. I was with Jodi,Tab and Stan. I was really walking with Jodi as Tab and Stan were a bit ahead of us. I was told today that there was people I met at the Fabrik last night that I don’t remember meeting. Anyways as we were walking home we were belting out the chorus of Robbie Williams song ‘Angels’, as well as listening to a few other songs while we walked. I was definitely happiest in that moment. I noticed as we began to leave town and head home that I was being really needy and clingy. I just kept linking my arm with Jodi’s. I don’t know was it because I hadn’t seen her all day until I went to the 4th years house. I don’t know did I feel like I was going to fall over. I don’t know what was wrong with me. As happy as I was with them, I was relived to be back at the house so I could get to bed. Stan was staying on my couch and I didn’t go into the sitting room so I only found out today that Dexter was also sleeping there. I didn’t even know he was in the house. I didn’t even see him all night. I went up to my room anyway still smiling and happy from the walk home. That was until I turned the light on in my room and closed the door. I just looked at my empty bed and got really sad. I felt lonely. I wish I had someone to share it with, although it’s only a single bed. Nothing sexual or anything because I’m not about that. I just wanted someone to hold me and make me feel safe. Make me feel loved and cared for. I don’t know why I’ve gotten really upset about not being in a relationship. I know this happens ever now and again but the idea of someone actually being in love with me, and it not some cruel joke someone plays on me to mess with my emotions,is still just a mere fantasy. As the months go by I feel as though this could remain a fantasy for a very long time. Due to the fact that I’m not really into the whole having sex thing, my ultimate wish from a physical point of view is someone who will hug me forever. From an emotional point of view all I want is someone who cares a lot about me, adores me as much as I adore them, makes me laugh, helps me through my anxious and depressive states, tells me stories, talks a lot and let’s me just sit there and listen. I guess I just need to be patient. I’ll have that someday. I deserve to have that someday right?