Week One Is Over And Done With!!

This is probably one of the best starts academically to a semester I’ve had. I’ve found the modules I have this semester to be more interesting than any set of modules I’ve had so far. Socially, I just think it’s been only ok up until Thursday night when I went on a night out with some people from my class, my housemates, and some 4th years of my course. I didn’t see much of the 4th years this week and with the 3rd years gone on work placement I felt kind of lonely. Luckily I did have my class to rely on for company but I did miss everyone else around the place. Since the 4th years have their own room they tend to stay in there most of the time and don’t really go into the studio all that much anymore. So it’s really just my class and that are in there for the most part these days.

I made it to every class this week so I’m proud that I started the semester off on a good note. I really hope that this is the semester I can really redeem myself. I want to bring up my GPA and it has drastically dropped since I got my results today. I failed one of my modules. As much as I expected it, I still cried when I saw the result as I sat alone in the radio studio earlier today. Thank god a little later on I saw one of my roommates and she gave me a hug and told me not to worry too much about it and that made me feel a lot better. It’s funny for anyone to look at my Snapchat story at the moment and see my snaps go from “I’m ridiculously happy” to me going “Fuck you Media Graphics!” I failed Media Graphics, a module I was once excited to do. Well lucky me I’m not rid of that subject now until August! Once I started doing the module I grew to hate it almost immediately. I failed my first submission only getting 22% on my sketchbook work which wasn’t “even worth 10% of my overall grade.” A surprising comment despite that CA giving me 11% in my overall grade. I was also told that nothing in my sketchbook had any relevance to any of my ideas. Right so you think that a simplified version that I found online of my main idea is not relevant. While I don’t think I can give enough reason for the CA grade to go up I do think her reasons she gave me were less than valid. When it came to my other/final submission for it, I was really proud of what I did. I had to design a poster and I chose to do mine for an event. I chose to do it for next year’s Pink Training since I had been to the 2016 around the time I was deciding a new idea.  I feel a reason I could have been docked marks for this is because it might have needed to be an original event idea. Not that I think that would be the main focus of this assignment. Either way I got 38% for my poster and my new additions to my sketchbook.  I also stopped going to class after I got the the sketchbook CA result because the lecturer just made me feel like a complete piece of shit. I dreaded going into the class, and I usually walked out of the class feeling upset in some way. Not that she ever said anything to me in most classes but when she did it was always ripping my work to shit. I didn’t really like the module which isn’t any excuse for doing so badly in it. It is somewhat relevant to career prospects from my course but at the same time it’s not one of the main outcomes of it. It also isn’t as irrelevant to our course as the likes of Databases. I just hate that I have to repeat such a vile subject that I don’t feel like I learned all that much from. I tried to get the most out of it as I could but realistically everything we were thought I probably could have picked up myself using online tutorials. I know I didn’t go to classes once I got that CA result but all that happened in those classes I skipped was working on the project and having her making her own changes to a project that is supposed to be yours. Fair enough if she was the client I was making the poster for but she’s not. I’m actually tempted to send my poster off to the Union of Students of Ireland so they can tell me what they think of it. Obviously I made up all the info on it because I don’t know where or who will be involved with it for the next one. I won’t do that though because the USI are incredibly busy especially this weekend with their Women in Leadership conference which I would have really liked to have gone to but I know if I want to do well this semester I should try and refrain from going to things like that as much as I might want to go.

I was going to write about my night out but I think I’ll leave this one out for once because for the most part it was perfect and I don’t feel like writing about. It feels like it was some sort of wonderful dream. It was a shorter night than usual but I just felt so happy the entire time.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my birthday. It is one week from Sunday and I don’t know why I keep thinking about it. I’m only turning 19 so it’s not that special of a birthday but I always worry about the fact that no one will care. I’ve never had someone who was ever excited about my birthday yet I’ve seen people I know get so excited about the birthday of one of their friends that they’ll go to a massive amount of effort in doing something for that friend or creating a collage (which I ultimately dislike, but if you go to the effort of making one I will still appreciate it), or writing some thoughtful, sincere birthday message on their Facebook wall (my preferred present). For the most part, people your friends with won’t spend all day complimenting you, telling you all the reasons they like you, or tell you how much they appreciate you and are thankful that you were born. I don’t do that and I don’t know anyone of does. First of all, I’m sure someone would find it creepy in a way if all someone did was say all these things to them because it sounds a bit obsessive. Every no and again it’s fine but more than that is crossing some sort of line. Secondly, if someone was telling you these things all the time they were lose their sincerity and you would begin to think the person is lying or just saying it because they think it’s a nice thing to say whether it’s actually true or not. I find that these things are said to me on nights on usually when my friends are a few drinks in. Like I do know there’s sincerity and a truth behind what they’re saying and for a while what they said will make me feel loved and happy but then I start to question that they only said it because they were a bit drunk. I have been complimented and told nice things by them when their sober too but not nearly as often or as meaningful. Usually when their drunk they say the things that I really wanted to hear them say. When their sober it tends to be something smaller and nothing particularly special. I do think that on my birthday it would be nice if I got told actual, tangible, true feelings or reasons they have towards me as a person and our friendship. I want to cry from happiness from my birthday messages not just read it, smile and never look at it again. I want it to be something I can read a million times over. Hence why I made a birthday book for Jodi’s 21st because it essentially was what I would like. I do think it is somewhat of a luxury gift, particularly in my eyes as what my friends would genuinely think about me really concerns me yet it’s something I crave more than anything. I don’t expected to get one or expect to get anything similar but a girl can dream can’t she?

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Why So Serious?

I’ve been told for years that I am serious. This was always meant in a bad way. I was always “too” serious and unable to take a joke. First of all boy (because it was typically boys who told me this) please explain to me how your  way of making me feel like complete shit is in any way a joke. I like to think of myself as someone well versed in comedy and what is and is not a joke. Those boys never made good jokes,  and very rarely they actually made something that could constitute as a joke. I went home crying in floods of tears while they went home laughing each day because once they had berated me for not “getting” the “joke” they would laugh their ass’ off all the way home. I was only in primary school and I was forced to go through this and my friends at the time were no help whatsoever. They even laughed along with those guys most of the time. They too would tell me either to lighten up a bit or laugh it off. They wouldn’t listen when I told them how the guys’ comments hurt me. They told me I was over-exaggerating and that those comments weren’t that mean so it’s impossible for you to actually be upset by them. Aren’t friends really something? This being the beginning of when I started to believe that no emotion or opinion of mine had any validity. 

It’s also why it took me so long to tell friends I made in the future anything that was wrong with me. I was scared of any friends I made. To me I felt like they could be the bullies if I gave them the opportunity but by bottling up all my emotions I never did. I realise now since sharing all my emotions with them, that they aren’t bullies they understand and accept my feelings and want to make me feel better. Although I still get worried that a friend could snap into that bully mode, intentional or not. Most jokes amongst friends are pretty much insults said in a way to make it funny i.e “It’s funny ’cause it’s true.” So either way if they do I might not notice straight away. 

I go into my serious mode when I am forced to. For the most part I am not serious at all I will laugh at the stupidest jokes and innuendos. When I’m alone I’m actually the goofy person I wish I could show myself as to others. I’m forced to get serious when I’m upset or offended. It’s a way to hide the fact that I’m probably on the verge of tears. I have always put up this front since I was about 6 so that no one would ask me the awkward question of what is wrong and for me to explain and for them to either not understand or just brush it off. If this serious thing is forced upon me by an unplanned occasion of someone causing me increased anxiety or upset, I can turn into one of the coldest,bitchiest people ever. I give very quick one word answers, or sometimes I won’t talk at all (Good luck trying to decifer when my quiet spells are related to this state). 

I tried to hold onto my naivety for as long as possible and I did but I felt like this seriousness aged me more than any scandalous or inappropriate thing could have. While I was naive, I was pretending for my sake. I actually knew a lot. No one needed to know how much I actually knew. When I was serious I always felt like a parent or a teacher. I very rarely used to get told that it wasn’t that I was overly serious, I was just mature. Well whatever you wanted to call it I felt like I was babysitting people for free for 12 years. I was usually the youngest or nearly the youngest in my class groups. I had to look past things that I didn’t agree with because I hated confrontation. I had to always try and be the bigger person (I’ve had weight issues since the age of 8 or 9 and was an early bloomer so it was very easy for me to be physically the bigger person). Anytime I lost my temper… wait I should change that.  Anytime I LOSE my temper I get laughed at. I still feel like I’m not allowed to get angry over things. Even as a child any temper tantrums I had were cut short by my mother. Even later on in life I was never allowed to express the emotion of anger in front of her without being given out to. Anger is one of the worst feelings to keep bottled up. Kids are supposed to throw tantrums and you denying them of that stunts their emotional growth so much. I had to hit myself when I was angry. It left no damage to anything and it wouldn’t make a loud thud when I would slap myself across the face, punch myself in the stomach or beat drum sticks off my thighs and shins. Luckily I don’t do that any more I just punch walls now the odd time. As in I’ve done it like 3 times and the worst time was when I was drunk and so uncontrollably angry. I’m trying not to make a habit of it. 

Being the “mature one” at such a young age helped me a lot intellectually I think but not so much fun wise. All my friends would be climbing trees and I would be too afraid to. So while they climbed I would walk around beneath the branches they were on saying “If you fall don’t say I didn’t warn you. Don’t come crying to me when your leg is broken”. Essentially I felt like the mom of the group although it was usually only when it came to safety not when it came to emotions. I would just sit there and listen intently if my friends ever had a problem I would rarely ever ask them what was wrong and if there was something I could do to help. I had no one who was like that for me and we didn’t really learn stuff like that in school so I didn’t understand how to deal with stuff like that. I still haven’t really learned. 

2016: Despite Everything, I Ain’t Down Yet!

I know we are all on the same page that 2016 was a bitch of a year, especially in respect to celebrity deaths. We lost so many famous faces and for the first time in 3 years some of these deaths hit me very hard. They weren’t just celebrities, they were creative influences, icons, and really phenomenal people. Alan Rickman passed away early on in the year and I felt really morose because he was a big part of my life. The first Harry Potter film was released when I was 3 and I think I saw it for the first time shortly after when it was released on VHS because I was too young to go see it in the cinema. His character when I was younger scared me quite a bit but that was only because he reminded me of my teachers which I was frightened of. By the time the 3rd movie came out and I found his character to be more like a protective figure than just a strict professor, I started to like his character and him a lot more. I used to watch behind the scenes videos and always see him laughing with the other actors on set. I don’t have many examples other than the Harry Potter films to base this off of but I really admired him as an actor. The death that effected me the most this year was that of Christina Grimmie in June. I had watched her videos for years and although at the time of her death I only rarely ever watched her videos, I would always go back and check in every now and again and smile when I saw her name in articles about her touring. I really hoped when I saw that she had died that it was a hoax. I was really hoping it was a death hoax. When I found out that it wasn’t I felt choked up and I was speechless. It took me hours to get my thoughts together on it. I cried for a long time, the only other time I had cried at a celebrity death at that point was Cory Monteith’s in 2013. I went back to her YouTube channel and listened to all the songs that I loved hearing her sing. Of course that only extended my crying fest. I really looked up to her, I even tried learning how to play piano because of her. Granted my skills are basic on the Yamaha keyboard I got one Christmas that I failed to attempt until I watched her videos years after receiving it.  Recently the deaths of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds have upset me quite a bit. More so Debbie Reynolds. I have developed a love for Carrie Fisher since watching a few of video of her like her special ‘Wishful Drinking’, her interviews, and reading some of her quotes on mental health. I never watched Star Wars or anything she was in so I had less of a connection to her. However, I really respect her as a person and how strong she was. It makes me want to try and keep fighting through and battling my mental illnesses as best I can. Debbie Reynolds has always reminded me of my grandmother, and my grandmother is my absolute favourite family member. I first saw Debbie in the film Halloweentown which was released the year I was born, so it’s always been on TV when I was growing up. I loved her portrayal of Aggie Cromwell. As in she was the only character I really cared about for the most part. I would only really pay attention when she was on screen. I have since see some clips from some of her films in her early career like ‘Singing in the Rain’,’Tammy and the Bachelor’ and ‘The Unsinkable Molly Brown’. In ‘Molly Brown’ she sings a song called ‘I Ain’t Down Yet’ hence where the title of this blog comes from. Seeing all these gave me more respect and appreciation for her. When I found out she died I got really upset and I cried for a bit. Then because I was feeling overwhelmed I went outside for a cigarette and I broke down again while I was outside and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

That’s as much as I’m going to get into talking about what happened in the world because I think enough people have given out about Trump and all the other shit that this year had to offer. I’m going to reflect back on how this year was for me. I think the best way for me to describe it is that it’s been the best bad year I’ve ever had, because no year for me is ever good. This year brought many amazing people and opportunities into my life but it was also a very difficult year for me. First off I’m going to reflect on the New Years Resolutions I made last year. The first one was to lose weight and I think I actually did that. I did starve myself a bit but I had been doing for that in 2015 too but I guess it worked out better this time. I’ve since stopped that and worked on just have smaller meals spaced out instead of skipping two meals a day. My next one was to be a good P.R.O for the Radio Society and I think I did that. I mean we made it to BICS and one of the awards we were going for was heavily reliant on my work. Although we didn’t win the experience at the BICS Awards was amazing and I would love nothing more than to go back again in 2017, so here’s hoping!! My next resolution was to talk more on radio and I definitely did that. In February, my friend Jodi had me on her radio show to talk about my role as P.R.O. and I think that is still the best show I have ever recorded on radio and I’ve done a good few at this point. I was very sarcastic but I wasn’t being too harsh and I just had a good time doing that show. I think it really highlighted how much I had come out of my shell since starting college a few months prior.  I had only really just become good friends with Jodi around that time too so it made the whole atmosphere a lot more enjoyable because we got on very well and I could talk to her easily enough, which is my main problem when talking on radio I’m not a good conversationalist normally. The last of the main resolutions was for me to be a better friend and now this had two parts to it. The first part being more for myself to talk to my friends more and not be afraid to call them or message them if I had a problem that I needed to talk to someone about or else just to talk to them because I wanted to. I’m always afraid that I will be bothering them so I just never do. This is something I haven’t improved upon this year at all. I will still sit in my room and feel really alone even though it could easily be fixed if I talked to someone. The other part of that resolution was for me to actively be a better friend. Make sure I complimented my friends more, let them know how important they are to me, help them with anything and stress the point to them that they could talk to me about anything. That part of the resolution I really think I did a lot better on. Like I say in almost every blog I write, nothing makes me happier than seeing someone I care about smile or laugh. Selfishly I always want to be the reason for that, but even if I’m not who cares because they are happy and that is more important than anything. One of my resolutions that I was trying to continue from 2015 was to be funnier and while I do think I try a bit hard sometimes, I think the jokes I make are coming to me a lot more naturally and I know my friends in college well enough at this point to make jokes that really cater to them. I felt a lot more accepted than I did last year. For first semester of college I felt a bit out of place for a while but I felt like I really found my place in second semester.

I think I would attribute that to being on the radio society committee. I felt like I had a voice. I felt kind of in charge. I know I wasn’t chairperson or anything but I did strike a bit of fear into our chairperson. He saw me when I was extremely stressed and angry when it came to filling out forms for BICS. It’s nice to know that Dexter is still a a bit scared of me even though we don’t work on the committee together anymore. He helped me the most this year through everything. Through the stress of those forms and through my anxiety attacks. He always asked me if I was ok. He always wanted to make sure I was happy. He also never wanted to let me down, which I don’t think he could possibly ever do. This semester though he’s really been there for me when I needed him which is both great and awful. Great, because I really needed him. Awful, because he’s going to be gone the next 8 months. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. He was much too good to me, at times when I didn’t even deserve it. I could have yelled at him about something and instead of getting angry back he wouldn’t say anything for a while and when I calmed down he’d asked me what was really wrong. I usually just said stress with assignments. Since I have dedicated an entire blog to him recently I will end my praises with one final thing. Dexter, I cherish our friendship so much and I can’t wait for you to kick ass as station manager of Wired FM.

I also became better friends with Stan this year. I really appreciate his humour and I think we just get on really well. We’re the two in our class who don’t do our work until last minute. We skip a lot of the same classes and we can be bad influences with each other and convince the other to also skip the class. I actually learn a lot from him, whether it’s pop culture, sports, social or political issues, there’s always something. He’s the person I tell everything to even when he’s tired of hearing me go on about the same things time and time again. He gives me shit for it sometimes but I know it comes from a place of caring.

I want to take a minute to thank my roommates, or housemates whatever you want to call them. I’m very grateful for you putting up with me, your support and thank you with dealing with me when I’m acting crazy. You girls make me laugh so much and ye made the transition of moving out of home so much easier. I promise that this year I will help clean more, I know I wasn’t helping out a lot. Thank you for being good friends to me and I’m looking forward for these last few months until we all move out in May. I dread that day so much, so for now let’s just live in the moment and have a good time in Apartment 8 aka the best apartment in Oakfield!!

Someone who I feel like I’ve spent most of my time with this year is Jodi. Seeing as I had maybe a total of like 4 conversations with her this time last year, it sort of surprised me a little. To be fair, I think the best friendships always happen unexpectedly. I expect that all that time spent with me she is probably glad to have a break from me at the moment.  I know you’ll be super busy this semester so feel free to tell me fuck off at any point.  Also remember that if you want to talk to me about anything I’m always there and don’t you dare apologize again for crying in front of me, if something is upsetting you let me be there to listen and/or turn those tears in laughter asap.Since you make me laugh so much, because I think you’re hilarious, I think I should try and return the favour! As part of one of my New Years Resolutions I want to let go of my fear of embarrassing myself so if me doing something that would embarrass myself in some way would make you laugh I’ll do it. I’m embarrassed by a lot of things, so girl you have a lot to choose from. (I can also be hired for small parties and corporate functions.) Also I’m sorry for when I was being a massive bitch and upsetting you during the year, well it really during the past few months. I will spend this year making it up to you and making sure I don’t do anything like that again.

While this year has had many highlights like the BICS Awards, Sports and Socs Ball, College Ball, Pink Training, March for Education etc., there has been some bumps in the road. My mental health went to absolute shit this year and I mean to the point where I was like “Who is this crazy bitch?” I’ve had I think about 4 fully fledged anxiety attacks this year and they’ve all happened in college. I’ve probably had a lot of little ones which I either had when I was alone or else I kept it to myself so no one knew anything was wrong. I started cutting myself in about May or June and continued to do so up until September on my first night out of Freshers Week where my friend started crying so much because of what I had done to myself.  She was also fairly drunk and is prone to crying a lot anyways but I would still like to lessen that happening as much as I possibly can. I knew if I stopped that it would make sure that an incident like that wouldn’t happen again. So I did stop and I haven’t cut myself since. I like to compare that moment of us in the chipper where she cried at my scars to the scene in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets where Fawkes’ tears heal the massive gash on Harry’s arm caused by the Basilisk. Not that my scars healed immediately but had I not stopped cutting at that time I probably never would have stopped. So luckily now I don’t have any permanent scars from that time, well at least not any that are easy to see. I like to think they are all gone but I can still see the faint lines on my skin, they turned into white scars which I already have enough of on my body with the stretch marks I have everywhere. I have been fairly suicidal this year not that it’s something I have talked much about. It’s not really a great topic of conversation. I’ve been doing good though like the last few weeks. Probably because I finally started using anti-depressants. I’m still trying to figure out whether they are actually helping or whether it’s like the placebo effect where I think they should help me so I feel like they are but really it’s all in head. Well technically it all is anyway, my head is where all the problems lie.

I know I haven’t really talked that much about the good things that happened during the year but most of them have been put into a blog that you can just go and read. If they’re not in a blog then they are just memories that I’m keeping to myself, in other words they are videos I recorded on snapchat of my friends that just make me happy that I have them in my life. They are just a constant source of joy and entertainment. So I’m going to talk about my resolutions for this year and let’s hope I can be better this year in some way!!

2017 Resolutions:

  1. Stop taking myself so seriously-I need to learn to laugh at myself more and get over my fear of embarrassment because it holds me back a lot. Sure there’s times where I’d love to dance around like nobody’s watching but I just don’t want to look stupid in front of people.  I need to let that go. Look stupid in front of people. Like why does there opinion matter if I’m having fun? It doesn’t. Remember that!
  2. Focus on college-Girl, I need to stay in college or I will have nothing. I love it there and I don’t want to give it up because I have difficulty focusing. Pick up the slack this semester, because repeating isn’t an option.
  3. Learn to deal with being alone-I have a fear of both abandonment and being alone. So when I’m alone, I get really depressed. I have a constant need to always be around people and when I’m not I kind of freak out, like a lot. I get inside my own head and tell myself why I’m alone “It’s because they all hate you!” Sometimes it can go to the realm of insanity where I ask myself “Are you sure there ever was people? You have actually been alone the last 18 years, you just imagined that these other people were there!” Luckily the latter thought is very rare.
  4. Work on making myself better-I think I’ve spent the last 2 years saying I will try and make myself better, but I want this to be the year where I really start doing something about it. The year is already off to a good start, so I need to try and keep it up!!