19 And I’m Still Alive!

If you asked me when I was six years old if I would have made it to the age of 19 I would have said “Of course I will sure I’ll die when I’m about 50 because that is old.” However if you would have asked me the same question when I was about 12 I would have said “No, I don’t think I will even make it to 13.” I am more than shocked that I have made it this far. I never thought I’d realistically make it past 14 let alone all the way to 19. However, I have to say that 18, like what I said about 2016, is the best worst year I’ve ever had.

Since I was about 8 or 9 I have wanted to either end my own life or wish someone would end it for me because I hated myself and my life so much. Things started to look up when I was in 6th year and I made a friend who I genuinely loved to be around and I felt like in that year of school I was really accepted.

Since being at college, I have enhanced that outlook of being accepted even more and I have begun to feel incredibly loved. It is something I doubt every single day of my existent but in the last week I really feel like that was proved. My roommates started a group chat to discuss plans for my birthday night out. My birthday has never been celebrated outside of eating cake with my family and sitting at home like any normal day since I was about 11 or 12. Since then I had hated my birthday. No one ever cared about it. Most people would forget it. Me being born wasn’t important to anyone. I might as well not have been born for the nothingness it was worth. The fact that my housemates wanted me to have and actually were organizing a proper party and celebration for me, brought me to tears. I’ve never had so many people care about me and care so much that they would even focus on making a night especially for me.

Over the weekend while I was at home with my family, my birthday was pushed to the wayside and all focus was put on my brother and his engagement to his girlfriend. Sure in some alternative universe this would be exciting but not in this one at this point in time. I couldn’t wait to get back to Tralee all weekend because I wanted to be with people that would actually want to think about my completion of another year on this earth rather than my brother getting engaged and the plans for the wedding at the tender age of 21. All weekend was focused on him and my mom was just worried about wedding plans.

It wasn’t until I got a phone call at around 10 to 11 Sunday morning, the day of my birthday, that I remembered that it was me I should be thinking about not that wedding. Jodi rang me and being the total loser that she is, sang me the entire happy birthday song over the phone. Not just one line, the whole thing. Needless to say that when I got off the phone all I could do was smile and be content in my existence. I honestly didn’t care what happened for the rest of the day. I didn’t care if I got any more birthday wishes, which at the time I had very few, I was just so happy that I could have gone the rest of the day without anything else.

Yesterday evening I saw Jodi again because one of our other friends also had their birthday the same day as me. So Jodi was here to go to that party but also said she’d call up to my house while she was there. I saw her walking up the stairs to my place with a small little gift bag and I was said “Surely that’s not for me?” Jodi replied saying “No of course not it’s for someone else.” While I knew her tone was of a joking matter, I genuinely believed it wasn’t for me. So when she got to the top of the stairs I asked her again “Is that for me?” She was like “Of course it’s for you, who else would it be for”. I dropped the half gone rollie I was smoking and hugged her. I’m not used to someone buying me presents and I get really emotional at the thought of someone thinking about me and going out and buying me something. It’s not like these things were overly expensive but the price isn’t the important thing about this, it’s the sentiment. I got Harry Potter slippers and a phone case and photo frame that told me to go after my dreams. The presents themselves mean so much to me just because of the thought that was put into them and how much I needed things like this. I mean it’s a type of encouragement I can see every single day telling me to follow my dreams that I wouldn’t have had before. I don’t think I would have had as great of a birthday as I did if it weren’t for Jodi. As much as I hate to say that one person and one person only is sole cause of happiness in my life, I think she truly is. At least for the most part but I think that on ones birthday it’s not a bad thing. It should be a day where people are thriving to make sure you actually have a “Happy Birthday” not just saying it. I have never felt more loved than the moment she handed me the bag of presents. I also really like everything she gave me which surprises me because I am inherently picky. Currently it’s enough motivation to bring me to 20 because this was the best birthday I’ve ever had because of all the love and caring that people had for me, it can only go up from here, right?

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