Now most people are going to see that title and think that I mean giving up on life and while they won’t be entirely wrong that is not the main point of this it is only a result shortly after giving up. I have zero motivation for anything this entire summer. My parents have been yelling at me to get a job and to no ones surprise I never got one again this year. My parents thought I wasn’t trying hard enough despite making me go into town handing out CVs every few days. I did hand them out to a lot of places and I applied for a lot of jobs online yet I still got nothing. The ultimate reason as to why is because my CV is terrible and I have very little experience in anything because I’ve never had a job before. So that lead to my parents yelling at me more and seeming disappointed in me. I don’t care if they’re disappointed, I’m not trying to impress them. However, all the feelings towards me not getting a job makes me feel awful. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel unwanted by the world. I can’t escape my parents anger towards me because I live at home and will be living at home for the foreseeable future.
I guess it also doesn’t help that it is summer and for the most part I don’t talk to anyone outside my home. On the days when I would go to town, I would try my best to stay there for a long time to avoid going home. When I would get home the first thing that was always said to me was “Any luck?” I would say no and they would scowl. I don’t know what they were expecting, that I would get offered a job right there on the spot? It’s not like I have anyone around reassuring me that there is things I’m good at and not to worry. I don’t even know if I’m good at anything. I can’t get even get a normal everyday job what’s going to happen when I’m trying to get work placement for January. I don’t even excel at anything in relation to my course, what the hell am I supposed to go for? There is a lot of things I like but someone is going to have their two cents and say that I have no chance and I won’t keep up that I don’t even know how to do certain things. I know a lot more than everyone thinks the only module I failed was tough on a lot of people. Still is tough on my as I struggle though the repeat. I have ideas about the topic I want but I can’t think of how I’m going to translate that into what I’m being asked for. It’s bringing me down a lot and my parents don’t understand what it is about. Everyday that I’ve been working on it they ask “Have you gotten much done?” I’m still on a research stage which is vital for my marks so it just consists of me googling some things trying to figure out if I can base my project on that topic. Also I’ve only really been doing work on my project since Thursday because my parents have finally stopped badgering me about getting a job and are letting me try to work towards getting back into college which is the only thing I have worth living for. Even that isn’t enough motivation sometimes. I love everything about college but the end of 2nd year made me feel like shit like no one really wants me back so maybe I would be doing everyone a favour by giving up.
I have zero motivation and I don’t even think anyone would try to help motivate me if I asked. I would expect them to say something along the lines of “Well if you don’t have the motivation don’t try to force it. Maybe you’d be better off out of college?” As open as appear to be about most things there is till a lot I don’t tell people. Like how down I really feel, the fact that I’ve gone a few extra days without showering because what’s the point it’s not like I’m leaving the house and how much I really want to talk to people despite the fact that I don’t communicate well via texting or messenger. I would call them but you know people are leading their busy life’s because they actually have jobs. Besides, they probably need a break from me anyhow hence another reason why I don’t message people much even if I really want to. I guess my main problem is I haven’t been doing much so my only topics of conversations are RuPaul’s Drag Race,Love Island and that I’m very slowly getting through Game of Thrones because it takes too much focus than I can fathom to watch it.
I was reading a blog that I wrote about a friend who will be back in college for the first time since December, and it made me a bit happier having that in mind that I get to see him again and that I’ll have someone who’s always had my back with me again. So maybe for now that’s a good enough reason to keep going and to not give up because I’ll have that support back that has been a bit lacking in the last few months.