I was watching a video by Carrie Hope Fletcher the other day and she mentioned this month long blog thing set up by The Blurt Foundation, in relation to mental health. Every day for the month of April there is a prompt to which you can write a blog about this topic. I like the idea of having a prompt but I’m only participating by writing on some of the prompts I want to write on and if I have the time to write blogs on those days. This one is for day six so I’m already a day late with it but the fact that I’m writing it is still important.
So the idea of support is something I think about quite a lot. I don’t doubt that I have support. In fact, I have a strong support system at college with people I am honoured to call my friends. I’m often scared to talk about my problems with them though as I feel like I have so many problems that it can tend to put a lot on them when I do open up and talk. I also feel like their attitude towards me when I talk about my problems is that maybe I should go see a therapist because as my friends there isn’t much they can actually do to help or “fix” these problems. I don’t expect them to be able to do anything but having someone to talk to that I feel comfortable around makes me feel better whether it’s evident during those conversations or not. I know I shouldn’t always waste their time with every little problem that I have so I’ve taken to really evaluating my problems first on my own and if the problems are too big for me to stay silent about then maybe I will go talk to one of them. Overall, I feel like their is a support system for me at college and I would have dropped out by now if I didn’t have them.
Now, I’ll move onto where I don’t feel like I have support; at home. My parents are definitely there for basic financial support. I get money every week for college and I live at home. However, I don’t feel like I really have any emotional support or anything like that from my parents. I’m constantly being nagged about getting a job, especially leading up to the summer. This has been going on since the end of first year. I have applied online and in person for many jobs every year like they have asked but have never successfully gotten a job. While I can take so much of the blame for that on myself as maybe my CV is at a good standard or maybe in the very limited interviews/trials I’ve gotten I faltered, but it’s not 100% my fault that I haven’t gotten hired. I have tried fairly hard. There has been times where maybe I didn’t take interviews that I could have or answered phone calls that were job related that I should have, but I was scared. I have anxiety, there is a certain level of difficulty that I’ve had with these things in the past and I’ve worked hard and believe that I am past that.
Yes, there is a lot of the yelling that I deserve from my parents in that respect but I don’t think I deserve all of it. It got to the point last year, while I was in the midst of a massive battle with my mental health, where them constantly yelling at me, made me feel even more worthless and a bigger burden than I was already feeling at the time. Last summer, when I was made go out in search of a job, I left the house and walked around the town for hours. I had already handed a lot of CVs into places throughout previous trips to town for the same purpose, so I didn’t really have anywhere to go. I considered, that particularly day, not going home at all. It would just have been easier on them. They wouldn’t have to worry about paying for anything for me ever again. My plan was to go find a comfortable looking tree in the national park and seeing if it would be possible to live in one. This sounds absolutely mad, I’m aware, but I was going crazy being in that house. It didn’t help either that I was just after moving back from 7ish months being in Tralee and have since been living at home. I obviously never went through with that idea but it seemed very tempting.
This time around, my mental health is a lot better so I don’t think it’s really affecting me as much, but it’s still stressful. My dad doesn’t even care at this point where I get a job. There is some places that get suggested and my mother would be like “I heard the conditions there aren’t great and they don’t treat their staff particularly well,” to which my dad’s response is “Well that doesn’t matter, any job will do at this stage.” So if anyone out there knows anywhere that treats their staff really awfully, pay any amount of money, and are in need of staff please let me know and I’ll take the treatment my dad thinks I really deserve. Obviously, this is still very negative thinking with taking my dad’s comment so literally as to request a job that will treat me awfully but I really am only thinking this to show how ridiculous my dad’s attitude is towards this whole thing.
Another thing he said to me lately was about my work placement, which he really couldn’t give a shit about. “So how many weeks do you have left with that placement?” I told him what I’ve been telling him for a bit, that I have a few weeks left yet. “You keep saying that, when are you just going to give it up and get a real job?” I really didn’t know how to respond to this because this work placement is part of my course, I have to succeed at this in order to move onto 4th year. A lot of the key things that were outlined at the beginning of my placement are events that are taking place during April so I can’t exactly leave. I shouldn’t have to leave unless I feel that I’ve completed my job. I’m not leaving with tasks incomplete. I’m not quitting. This is part of my education. It’s important to me. My dad also remarked about the SUSI grant re-applications opening the other day and asked it I had looked at it yet. I told him no that I hadn’t looked at it yet as I hadn’t had a chance. He was very quick to respond with “That’s fine, I would be perfectly happy if you didn’t want to go to college next year. It would safe me so much money.”
I know money is important in order to live but why does money have to be such a priority. I want to get the most out of my college experience, as it looks pretty evident I will never have enough money to return or continue my education further like my brother has. I should be able to have the opportunity to experience all I can while I’m a student and I don’t think a price should be put on that. I spend most of my money on college related stuff i.e. transport to and from college, food at college and drinks if I get to go out. The latter not being a priority but I’d be lying if I didn’t mention it in my list there. Other than drinks on those nights out, and cigarettes that I buy often, I don’t buy anything for myself really. I can’t really remember the last time that I bought clothes for myself that I really wanted. I get little things for myself like my cigarettes and coffees but I’d like to buy myself something bigger every now and again. I know that’s my own fault because I’m not saving up money for these things and also that I don’t have a job so with both those things I don’t have any right to complain about that. I know this but sometimes it just all gets to me. Some weeks I need to spend more money than other weeks and anything I might have been saving needs to go towards something else.
I hope this summer is the one where I get a job. I don’t want to feel like I’m a burden in my own home. I want money to be able to buy things for myself, and others if I have the opportunity. I want to finally get my nose pierced and maybe dye my hair. I want to be able to afford to make myself look the way I really want and not have my outward appearance restricted because I can’t afford those ripped jeans or cool top. I want to be able to support myself financially. I want to be able to support myself in everything I do. I want to be able to move out of my family home and be fully independent. I have a long way to go and I’m still in need of an attitude adjustment but I’m willing and I’m more than ready to work for all of this.