Should I Give Up?

Now most people are going to see that title and think that I mean giving up on life and while they won’t be entirely wrong that is not the main point of this it is only a result shortly after giving up. I have zero motivation for anything this entire summer. My parents have been yelling at me to get a job and to no ones surprise I never got one again this year. My parents thought I wasn’t trying hard enough despite making me go into town handing out CVs every few days. I did hand them out to a lot of places and I applied for a lot of jobs online yet I still got nothing. The ultimate reason as to why is because my CV is terrible and I have very little experience in anything because I’ve never had a job before. So that lead to my parents yelling at me more and seeming disappointed in me. I don’t care if they’re disappointed, I’m not trying to impress them. However, all the feelings towards me not getting a job makes me feel awful. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel unwanted by the world. I can’t escape my parents anger towards me because I live at home and will be living at home for the foreseeable future. 

I guess it also doesn’t help that it is summer and for the most part I don’t talk to anyone outside my home. On the days when I would go to town, I would try my best to stay there for a long time to avoid going home. When I would get home the first thing that was always said to me was “Any luck?” I would say no and they would scowl. I don’t know what they were expecting, that I would get offered a job right there on the spot? It’s not like I have anyone around reassuring me that there is things I’m good at and not to worry. I don’t even know if I’m good at  anything. I can’t get even get a normal everyday job what’s going to happen when I’m trying to get work placement for January. I don’t even excel at anything in relation to my course, what the hell am I supposed to go for? There is a lot of things I like but someone is going to have their two cents and say that I have no chance and I won’t keep up that I don’t even know how to do certain things. I know a lot more than everyone thinks the only module I failed was tough on a lot of people. Still is tough on my as I struggle though the repeat. I have ideas about the topic I want but I can’t think of how I’m going to translate that into what I’m being asked for. It’s bringing me down a lot and my parents don’t understand what it is about. Everyday that I’ve been working on it they ask “Have you gotten much done?” I’m still on a research stage which is vital for my marks so it just consists of me googling  some things trying to figure out if I can base my project on that topic. Also I’ve only really been doing work on my project since Thursday because my parents have finally stopped badgering me about getting a job and are letting me try to work towards getting back into college which is the only thing I have worth living for. Even that isn’t enough motivation sometimes. I love everything about college but the end of 2nd year made me feel like shit like no one really wants me back so maybe I would be doing everyone a favour by giving up. 

I have zero motivation and I don’t even think anyone would try to help motivate me if I asked. I would expect them to say something along the lines of “Well if you don’t have the motivation don’t try to force it. Maybe you’d be better off out of college?” As open as appear to be about most things there is till a lot I don’t tell people. Like how down I really feel, the fact that I’ve gone a few extra days without showering because what’s the point it’s not like I’m leaving the house and how much I really want to talk to people despite the fact that I don’t communicate well via texting or messenger. I would call them but you know people are leading their busy life’s because they actually have jobs. Besides, they probably need a break from me anyhow hence another reason why I don’t message people much even if I really want to. I guess my main problem is I haven’t been doing much so my only topics of conversations are RuPaul’s Drag Race,Love Island and that I’m very slowly getting through Game of Thrones because it takes too much focus than I can fathom to watch it. 

I was reading a blog that I wrote about a friend who will be back in college for the first time since December, and it made me a bit happier having that in mind that I get to see him again and that I’ll have someone who’s always had my back with me again. So maybe for now that’s a good enough reason to keep going and to not give up because I’ll have that support back that has been a bit lacking in the last few months. 

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13 Reasons Why!!

I have never related so much to something. It is giving me both an exhilarating and a scared feeling. I mean I’m glad I found something that really gets it. Imagine how different my life could have been if I knew the book existed. The book came out 10 years ago. I have been suicidal for 10 years, maybe the book could have helped me. I’d have been able to see how much an effect a suicide can have on the lives of others and how there is a future. 10 years ago I definitely could have committed suicide and thought of 13 Reasons as to Why I did it. Up until I started college I could have done that. College changed everything. At least it did for a while. These suicidal tendencies don’t always go away completely. They are really dark, feelings that just can’t be gotten rid of. Anytime my life goes to shit or people treat me like shit I think about how much I wish it was all over. Mostly I’m fine. Mostly I either feel nothing or I feel everything. Oh the joys of being a bundle of depression and anxiety. I just get tired of everything or else sad for no reason. In those moments, it’s all stuff going on in my head and it’s my fault. That stuff I can handle. I can’t handle other people making me feel that way or making me feel paranoid. Since I was 9 years old, I have been made feel like an outsider. I have been ignored, not appreciated, undermined, and casually bullied. I say casually bullied because apparently statements that are said to you that might not necessarily mean sounding don’t count as bullying no matter how much they effect the victim. I was scared. I lost all trust in people and it takes a very long process for me to trust someone now and if that gets broken it won’t get repaired. I just believed that everyone was fake. Nobody really cared. When I was bullied in primary school it was emotionally manipulative. The bullies would always be like “Hi Sandra, how are you? Oh you’re good, that’s good! Listen I forgot to bring something in so can I borrow yours? I swear I’ll give it back just trust me. Aw thanks so much!!!” They would get in my face a bit and sometimes 3 or 4 of them would approach me at the same time. I didn’t have a choice really. If they wanted to “borrow” something that was mine I wasn’t allowed to say no. If I did they would just go up to the teacher and say that I’m not sharing. Of course one of the main things they aim to teach you in primary school is sharing because that’s caring and if you’re not sharing then you might as well pack your bags for your trip to hell or wherever all the bold children go. I grew up not being allowed to say no. I was afraid to say no. I got scared of being in trouble. I still find it hard to say no. As much as my mental illnesses are my problems and I can’t really play the blame game here, I think my childhood experiences should at least be some bit accredited to why I got so messed up.

I got made fun of for being too “boyish”. “What are you a boy?” I answered that question and said “You know sometimes I wish I was!” I said that for the plain and simple reason that I knew if I was a boy I wouldn’t be treated the way I was. I would have been respected, and allowed to play soccer at lunch with the boys and actually be part of a team instead of trying to fight for the ball and become a one woman team to prove that I could play. However when I said I’d rather be a boy, they used that as further fuel for the fire. They would just laugh. And laugh. And laugh. I’ve had to train myself to be ok to be around people when their laughing. For the last few years, I’ve wanted to be a comedian and make people laugh because everyone should be happy and I wouldn’t wish my shitty experiences on anyone. However, because of the years of being laughed at I got really insecure. Every laugh I heard even if it was really far away or obviously directed at something else, I felt it was directed at me. I’ve run to the bathroom on numerous occasions when I felt like a group of people were pointing a laughing at me in their little group of friends. Why else would they be laughing? It had to be me, surely they weren’t making jokes that were unrelated to me?

It was also 10 years ago that I became self-conscious about my weight. I can say this now because I’ve had a lot of weight issues and fluctuations, that I was tiny when I was 9. I was still skinny I had no bit of fat on me whatsoever, expect maybe in my face and I’m still trying to get rid of that. I got fat when I was going into secondary school, and the fact that I cycled to school I was heavier than almost every girl in my entire school, I was a big fat target for abuse.My massive school bag didn’t help with that either. I thought going to an all girls secondary school would give me freedom from the ridicule that boys had against me but alas that was not to be as my school was right next to the boys and the mixed secondary schools.  I got laughed at, mocked, yelled at, pelted with pebbles, and blocked from entering my estate. I got mocked so much one day when I was in 5th year that I started crying and when the guys who mocked me realised this, they got a bit quieter but still kind of laughed it off because they didn’t know how to react to the fact that their words had an effect on me. I was blinded by tears but kept cycling away because how could I stop when they were all still around. It’s really dangerous to cycle a bike, especially on a road with moving cars, when you can’t see. I didn’t care though I just wanted to get home as fast as I could and shut myself away in my room. As soon as I got into 5th year and my class room was located out in the prefab that no one ever checks in the evenings, I stayed behind at least half an hour before making an attempt to go home. I waited so that all the boys from the other schools were pretty much all gone home. I spent the last two years of secondary school hiding and trying to make myself as invisible as possible. I’ve fallen off my bike a few times cycling home from school and not once could those lads give any bit of sympathy. I could hear the roars of laughter coming from across the road. I was in first or second year when the worst fall happened. I was cycling up onto the footpath but the bike didn’t make it up on the curb and I fell onto the footpath after going at a bit of a speed and my massive school bag got flung over my head and pulled me down even harder and faster. Surprisingly enough I didn’t break my neck. I didn’t even really get that injured a few bruises on my body, and because of the laughter, a huge scar across my heart.

I hope this makes it somewhat easier to understand why I sometimes think about people in the way I do. Reasons I think that no one cares because no one ever really did. Back to the show, anyone who seemed like they might care were just like Clay, they knew what was happening and just stood on the sidelines not wanting to get involved or say anything. I’m glad I am past the worst of it. Anything I’ve been feeling since I started college are the after effects and repercussions of that life that I was forced to battle through. I’m glad I did. It was worth all the fighting. It was worth all the scars both external and internal. I feel like I’ve found my group of people. People who care about me. People who love me, even though they don’t admit it because they’re too cool/awkward to express certain emotions.  13 Reasons Why, made me remember all those events I was trying to forget. I’m happy that it reminded me because comparing those years to the present day it so motivating. If I can go from that horrible time with people who treated me like I was a voodoo doll trying to see how many pins they could stick in me before they stabbed every bit of my heart. I honestly think they wanted me to kill myself. I definitely said it at one point out of frustration at them and they didn’t really care they said stuff like “Yeah well I’d like to see you try.” They also would just shrug it off and be like “Yeah right, sure you will”. Even as a young impressionable child, I was mature and intelligent in everything that I did. I knew that if I did do something to myself that it wouldn’t change anything, except for the fact that I wouldn’t have to listen to them anymore which was nearly enough motivation for me to do it but if I was going to make such a big decision like that I wanted it to be for me, not for them. I didn’t want them to get the satisfaction that they were finally rid of me. I stuck around to annoy them because no matter what I did, they never liked me. Nobody thought they were doing anything wrong, even my friends agreed with them most of the time. I just needed to shut up because they “weren’t actually being mean at all”. I was just taking everything the wrong way and they were “obviously joking”.

At least I don’t have that anymore. I have people who care and I couldn’t be happier with the support system that I’ve developed in the past year and a half. With every smile and every hug I get from any of them I am so thankful that I stuck around and I know that I can’t leave now because why would I want to end this bliss that is my social life. It took me so long to get a social life and honestly it was worth the wait. I am loved. I’ve always wanted that and I never thought it would happen. It makes me so happy sometimes when I really start thinking about it. They like me, they really like me.

I Just Feel So Angry, All The Time.

Like I said in my last blog, I needed a break for a while. The break has helped me with dealing with people in a calm manner. However, I am just as angry as ever. The time off did not actually make me any more calm about the situations in fact I think I have gotten angrier about everything over the last week. I feel like I’m in secondary school again. I am paranoid. I feel like everyone is just looking at me thinking that my arguments are crazy as if I have no right to be angry about everything. I’ve started doubting myself, maybe I am wrong. Maybe they’re right, I am just an idiot. I am actually a bitch who knows nothing about her own sexual orientation and I’ve just been lying to myself for years. You know what I’m actually bisexual and find more than one gender sexually attractive. Now that’s where I would be lying to myself. Even typing that line felt wrong and uncomfortable. I ruled out men a long time ago, I know I don’t like them. If people could just understand that maybe we could all get on again like we used to do and bake a cake out of sunshine and rainbows and all that crap. As for the sexual attraction, I must say that asexuality is a very broad term, so also telling me that I’m definitely not that because my definition for it is a little different to yours is also not right. I am getting really sick of have to fight for the right use the label asexual as part of my identity. I’m thinking of dropping it all together. I’m either trying to fight for the validation that it is a real thing or I’m fighting someone to prove that I actually do identify (in part, I might admit) as asexual. Yes I do admit that it’s not at the core of my identification but it’s still there, but I guess I should just start letting go of it even though it’s the only thing I was sure about when I came out 2 years ago. From now on I won’t elaborate. Why don’t we just play spin the LGBT+ spectrum see what sexual orientation you will assign me this week and make me just go with it.

I’ve been at my wit’s end the last week. I’ve been so frustrated and angry that I haven’t been doing any work for college. I’m been so tired during the day and having trouble trying to get to sleep at night. I missed all my classes on Tuesday and Thursday because I didn’t have the energy to get up on time. To be fair I was practically dead on Thursday after the college ball, which I will discuss later on in this blog. I’ve felt like I’ve been walking around in my own little bubble that everyone is avoiding to go near. I’ve felt like I’m being ignored/ I feel invisible. Going back to what I said above, I feel like I’m in secondary school. Walking around by myself, feeling like I’m in the way or intruding on other people’s lives. I feel like everyone is giving me death stares and purposely avoiding me as best they can. I know it’s really all in my head but I don’t know I just feel lost. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I need to be doing. Well except for the fact that I have a one minute film due on Wednesday and I have yet to film it. I feel like I should be crying or ripping my hair out but instead I’m just refusing to get out of bed until late in the day and eating one and a half meals a day. I mean I uploaded a 15 minute long rant on Facebook on Friday at around 1am discussing everything that was going on in my head. It was just a black screen so the only focus was on my voice and what I was saying. I was just lying down in bed and just spewed a load of nonsense about how I feel like a loser and an idiot and it’s mostly attributed to everyone else making me feel that way. Yes I am playing the blame game a lot recently but I was doing good there for ages. I was actually doing really good, I hate that I’ve gotten bad again. I try so hard to stay good but it’s so difficult to do when everyone is putting you down. They might think they’re being funny but there is only so much negativity you can put towards someone before the joking around becomes putting someone down. I feel like my mind has turned into a minefield. I need to bite my tongue to make sure I don’t have an outburst and yell at everyone who’s around me. I like to think I’m a nice person, I care about people. Is it so much to ask that people are the same back? Especially when they’re like nice and caring towards everyone else!!

The only time over the last few weeks where I actually felt happy was during the college ball. It wasn’t until after the meal though. I went and got a pint after the meal and sat at the side while the dancing started with most people making their way onto the dance floor. I decided I would go dancing when I finished the pint because I saw some people who I would know fairly well and would dance with at the other side of the dance floor. I downed the end of my pint, stood up and before I could start making my own way over to them, our SU Education Officer came over and took my hand and brought me over to all of the ones I was going to go over and we were all dancing away. That felt really nice. I felt like at that moment my invisibility cloak was stopped working and I was seen again. I spent most of the night then with our SU Equalities Officer and one of the committee members of the SVP soc. I had a great night from then on. They told me I looked nice, they loved my dress and I didn’t feel like an outcast I felt like I was welcomed into the group with open arms. I can’t thank them enough for that. It meant a lot to me that they let me hang out with them for the night. (I’m not crying right now, I’m just tired. I’m just tired.) Later on in the night when they went to bed, I went outside for a cigarette. I went over and sat with our SU Communications Officer and our former SU  President and former SU Welfare Officer. I had a nice time talking with them for a bit. I said that I wanted to go over to some of the people who were at the ball from USI but I was too scared. Mostly the USI President and I was scared that she wouldn’t remember me. Our former Welfare Officer, who works at USI as the current Southern Region Officer and hopefully soon to be the USI Welfare elect, told me I should go over to her and I had nothing to be scared of and she would talk to me anyway. So when I went back inside I walked over to her and she was smiling and said hi. I was like “Hi, do you remember me I was at Pink Training?” She said she did and then she was saying how she wasn’t wearing her band from that, saying that her sister had borrowed it or something. I showed her my rainbow coil bracelet and she thought it was really cool and asked me where I got it. Then she asked me if I was going to USI Congress and I said I wasn’t because I had college so she showed me the designs she had for the stickers that were being given in the Congress packs and I was like “Oh my god, they’re unreal. I want one”. Then when our former SU Welfare Officer came over, the USI President was like “Make sure she gets some of the unicorn stickers.” I got so excited, she was making sure I was getting them even though I wasn’t going to be there. We also both came to the realization, although it seemed to fascinate her a little bit more, that 10 years ago she was the same age as I was now. Even though I hadn’t really had many conversations with the USI crowd of people much before, especially without my friend there to introduce me to them because she’d know them better, I also felt very included and it seemed like they liked talking to me. They easily could have ignored me after a while of talking to me but no from the moment I sat down I talked to them for like the next hour and even missed the bus home so I could stay hanging out with them a bit longer. It was just a whole lot of wonderful. Just for that night. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think me having such a shit time over the past couple of weeks made me appreciate every part of that night even more than I would have otherwise.

Sometimes I Need a Break!

Usually when it comes to any time off from college I get sad because I will miss all my friends and having something to do everyday. This time around I couldn’t be more thankful to have some time off not only from college but from people as well. Since I have social anxiety, I tend to use a lot of my energy to try to stay calm and to talk normally in social situations. Hence why I’ve been so tired lately, because these social interactions over the last 2-3 weeks have gotten a lot more strenuous and difficult to deal with. I have been made feel like an idiot, like I’m invisible and like my opinion is not valid on any subject matter including myself. Like it’s something serious when someone shuts down how you identify personally because they think your something else and refuse to believe that you’re being honest.

I got told during this week that I’m not actually a lesbian, I’m apparently bisexual. I’ve been told to just let it go and not think about it but I can’t. It isn’t that simple. I have questioned my sexuality for about 6 years and I’ve been at the conclusion that I’m definitely a lesbian for about the last year really. I have thought I was bisexual at different stages but I have realised that if I labelled myself as that I would just be lying because while I can appreciate a good-looking guy who could be boyfriend material to someone, I could never see myself kissing, let alone dating a guy. The person who told me I was bisexual used a joke I made about wanting to get with a guy because I liked the smell of his deodorant. It was a joke for a reason and I know that person has a hard time understanding any jokes I make especially, she also has other evidence about “the guys I fancy” that she refuses to tell me. It’s  been in my mind so much that last night I had a dream where I had a one night stand with a guy and got pregnant and had a baby. Eventually deciding to get into a relationship with the father after having to choose between him and a woman who I had also been attracted to. It seemed like a bunch of random people in my dream and all. I’ve never wanted a child but in the dream it started off focusing on my relationship with a guy but about half through began to focus on my pursuit as a mother. This dream baby obviously was invincible because I left it in alone for 3 days until I actually started to take responsibility for it. I gave the baby milk then realised that where the baby had been left had affected the skin on their face so I used like baby lotion to try to make that better. Then the next thing I had to do was get a lift to the shop and buy nappies. I got a lift from a friend and while the baby was in a car seat for the entirety of the dream (I refused to take it out for some reason, probably for fear that I would drop it). Even in the car though I held onto the car seat so I could keep looking at the baby and have their hand wrapped around my finger. I felt very maternal and it’s something I’ve never experienced before. I was also sitting in the back of the car and had to remind my friend who was driving that I was holding a child and not to go speeding or brake quickly in the event that the baby would get hurt. Even after this dream, I still don’t  want a child and I still am in no way looking for a relationship with a man. More than anything the dream scared me. I’m good at acting like an adult when I have to and putting on a serious front but not to that extent. I mean I went with the father because I wanted help with the child not because I actually loved him. Dream me was in love with some woman with long blonde hair and possibly had glasses, I don’t know she appeared in the dream very briefly. I woke up and I felt kind of anxious but I also really wanted to talk to someone about my dream but like most people hate hearing about dreams. That’s why I wrote it in this blog instead of calling someone who’s probably busy. Also in case you’re wondering, the baby was a girl and she had no name.

To go back to the point of this blog, I have been extremely frustrated for the last few weeks. Anything I say in anger as been taken too seriously and people have thought of me as being completely inconsiderate and ignorant whereas I sometimes have to point out a bad thing from the situation before I can move on whether this bad thing actually affects me or not. Another reason I have been frustrated is because anything I’ve said has been ignored or laughed at in a group situation. Nothing I said was taken seriously and it made me feel like everything I was saying was wrong and that it would just be more beneficial to everyone if I just stayed quiet and out of the way. I got told by the same girl who told me I wasn’t a lesbian, that I was mean to her lately. Anyone who knows me knows that I am never mean to people because God knows I’ve been bullied enough and laughed at that I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like the piece of shit that I have always felt that I am. What reason would I have to be mean to someone, I hadn’t even talked to her that much that week because in the evenings instead of being down in the kitchen like normal and hanging out with people in my student accommodation, I was up in my room trying to sleep or just relaxing because I was so tired from all the energy I had been used while at college. I’ve nearly cried so many times over the past few weeks just out of frustration of not being listened to and treated like I’m just some idiot that knows nothing. I decided that for my week off, I’m going to isolate myself as much as I can because that’s what I do when I feel ignored or invisible, I take it upon myself to make that a reality. People might forget that I exist would be a good thing for them, give them one less thing to worry about. I think people are finding it harder and harder to deal with my mood swings and irrational behavior recently. I can’t help the way I feel about certain things. I am tired of being thought of as an idiot. I think about anything that people say to me a lot and I can’t help but overthink it. I have insecurities that I’ve developed over the years just by one very small comment that has been made to me. When I was about 5 or 6 years old I was cycling my bike in my estate and a girl who was younger than me called me big ears and Dumbo and since then I’ve always thought that my ears were too big and one of the many reason why I will never cut my hair really short. When I was about 11 or 12 I think someone looked at my eyelashes and said “Oh, you have light brown eyelashes, interesting.” They genuinely just found it interesting because it was different to theirs but I took it as “Oh your eyelashes are different to the norm you are some kind of weird looking alien.” Therefore some morning when I go to college and I think my eyelashes look too light coloured I put on mascara so I can change them to black and not have to worry about someone saying anything about them. If that isn’t proof of how much things can affect me than I don’t know what is. I don’t think anyone ever understands how much even the smallest comment can affect and how sometimes things that might sound worse won’t affect me at all.

I went out Thursday night and put up a snapchat when I went home saying that I had a shit night and I didn’t want anyone from college to contact me on the week off. I should have prefaced this saying that it was my own fault that I had a shit night because I drank too much of the wrong drink and I could hardly see straight. Also I just felt really out of place from the moment we stepped into the nightclub. I really should have stayed at home and not gone out but I had already bought my ticket so I didn’t want to stay in because of that. I was asked to help with one of my friends FYP’s during the week off, just to go in for a few minutes to film a quick thing. I have no problem doing it whatsoever. I will go crazy at being at home for a week, but I would also go crazy being at college for a week but being there for a day will be grand. However, again the girl who said I wasn’t a lesbian, and that I was being mean, told me that “There is already like 5 of us doing it, it would be a waste of your time coming in to do it.” WELL NOBODY FUCKING ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION BITCH!!!!  IS IT YOUR FUCKING FYP???NO, I DIDN’T FUCKING THINK SO!!!!!! While I say I need a break from people in general at the moment, like social interactions and stuff, I really just need a break from that one person because she is wrecking my head. If I wanted someone to tell me that everything I do, say, think, and believe is wrong, I would have asked for her opinion but I didn’t she just feels the need to let me know that I’m wrong on a constant basis. Thanks girl, appreciate it so much!! (*SARCASM*)

 

I Fucked Up!

Remember in my last post that I survived yet another year of life, yeah I kind of went a bit out of control last night and nearly wanted to leave it at that and cut my life short. Not really though. I again was just talking some big talk because I didn’t want to actually kill myself last night I just wanted my body to feel the pain that has been in my mind for the last few weeks but especially the past week.

For the most part, I gave myself to high of expectations for my birthday celebrations.  Last Thursday, there was plans to have an actual night out especially for my birthday, which was Sunday. It ended up with no one going out last Thursday which made me kind of depressed in a way because I really wanted to go out and it was my motivation to get through the week. To be fair there was someone else who wanted to go out and I gladly would have gone out with just them but I guess just two people going on a night out isn’t a thing it only works with groups. I stayed in and played trivial pursuit with my housemates and two people from my class.  We drank, we laughed, we all lost to one of my housemates. It was a fun night, I had just been so excited to go out and celebrate my birthday. It’s not something I ever really celebrate but this year I felt like I had people in my life that would be willing to go out and celebrate the fact that I’m alive. Throughout the night I got slowly more depressed. I was out of it most of the night. I wasn’t really paying attention to anything, except drinking. I was just thinking and making everything a lot worse in my head. One of my roommates noticed that I was being quieter than normal. I do think that it is some skill to notice when I’m being extra quiet because I’m always fairly quiet. She told me that her and my other housemate had set up a group chat to organise a night out for my birthday and I cried. I think I might have mentioned this is the last blog so I won’t go on about it too much. From then on I got really excited about the following Thursday, yesterday, to see what it would be like to have a night out that was all about me. I had parties as a child but I felt like it my friends at the time had to go to it or only went to it because the day might be fun, not focused on me at all really.

The same thing happened again last night. Nothing really happened to go out for my birthday. At least I did get to go out with people I’m friends with and really like to go out with and I tried to make the most of it but I still felt disappointed with the night. Again, this was no one’s fault except my own. I shouldn’t have had such high expectations. I was overthinking it way too much and getting myself excited for something I knew deep down was never going to go to plan. You think I would have learned by now to keep my expectations low but I guess it’s something I need to try and work harder at. To be fair, I can appreciate the good parts of the night. Like while the places we went to weren’t very busy, there was some good songs we danced to and I have some good memories from the night.

My mental breakdown began when we left Fabrik to go to Hennesseys and I was given the task to walk with two of my friends who were much drunker than I was. My other two friends drove there in one of the girls cars. While it wasn’t difficult or anything, and neither are bad drunks, I just felt stressed because what if something happened. If anything happened to either of them I would have felt guilty. I let one of them go ahead of us because I knew that he would be fine so long as he kept going in the right direction which he was. I talked to my other friend because I felt like that would be the best way to keep her mind from wandering and thinking about stopping or going somewhere else. Either way we all made it there. We each got a shot of sambuca when we got into the bar and god knows I needed that. Then when the two friends who drove arrived in I left them for a few minutes to find some of the friends from my class that I knew were out to so I went outside to the smoking area to say hi to them. I went back to where the friends I went out with were and they were nowhere to be seen. I walked around the pub three times and gave up. I thought that they left me. So in an effort to block out the feeling that they had left me behind and gone home, I bought two drinks and planned to down them to try and get myself drunk enough to forget. It’s not even though I was alone all that long but a minute in real time is the equivalent to like a half an hour in drunk time. After I was with my friends from my class for a while, I saw the friends I had gone out with appear. I went over to them with my two drinks still pretty much full. I told them I thought that they had left me and they were like “No, we were just in the bathroom because one of the girls were getting sick.” It never occurred to me that they would have been in the bathroom. I’m such an idiot. Then I proceeded to yell out all the messed up stuff I had planned to do in that short time that they had left me. “I’m was going to drink as much as I could and then go home and cut my arms a lot.” My friends were like “WHAT??!” Then one of the girls, the one I had walked to from Fabrik to Hennesseys with, sat down next to me and talked to me about what was going on.  It did calm me down a bit but in the back of my mind I couldn’t get rid of the thought of cutting. I almost did it last Thursday when I didn’t go out for my birthday.

We went to get food after that before we went home and while we were sitting waiting for it I got given out to by one of the girls. She said “Right well what’s ever going on with you, you have to stop putting all the blame on Jodi. It’s not like it’s her fault.” It wasn’t her fault and I didn’t think that I had been putting the blame on her. I prefaced anything I said to her with “This is my own fault, I had too high expectations.” I was only telling her what I had been thinking not giving out to her because her was somehow her fault which it wasn’t. Granted yes, anytime we had a fight before on a night out, I was giving out to her because of problems I had made in my own head. Again, not her fault but those times I had yelled at her and made it seem like she had caused it. I didn’t want that to happen again. So last night I made sure that I didn’t act like that. I didn’t want her to think I was putting blame on her because it’s just unnecessary and completely untrue that any of my problems are her fault. She did seem to be a bit upset but that was more so because of the extreme feelings of awful that I was feeling. I kept saying to her not to get upset about it because like there was no reason to. I need to try and keep my mouth shut on night on. They might have been having a fairly good night and I feel like I just ruined it. I’m really sorry about that. She told me I don’t need to say sorry about it but I feel bad about it. Jodi came up to my apartment for a fag before going off to bed and then my housemate and another friend from my class came in just before she left. I say goodbye to her and that I’d see her Monday. Then my friend from my class left and then my roommate went to bed. I then went and got a knife that I had bought at the start of the year and slashed my arm so badly. Usually, as if this is a common occurance, when I used to cut I had a limit. I would stop once I did it about three or four times provided that there was at least two adequate cuts made. This time I just kept going and I have 16 cuts covering most of my arm and about 7 of them bled. I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t have done it. I knew while I was doing it. I knew when I was planning. I knew when I looked at it and couldn’t and can’t stop looking at it since I’ve done it.I have to deal with the constant stinging and pain that these scars are currently causing me. I don’t know if it’s because I can’t remember the feeling or because it’s been so long since I’ve done it but these scars really hurt like a lot. I now have to actively wear long sleeves and make sure no one of any authority sees them or I could get sent to somewhere I don’t want to go.  I don’t need to talk to some professional. I don’t even need to really talk about all my problems to people. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone. Anyone. When I can’t I get frustrated. Some of the things this week that made me incredibly stressed and upset was people talking over me, immediately shutting down my ideas, and just making me feel small. I said very little and everything seemed to be wrong even though I knew I was right and they eventually realised that I was write but that didn’t stop them from shutting me down.

I do realise that I have been really selfish to do all of this. My birthday was by no means awful or even bad. It was probably one of the best I ever had. Going out on Sunday night, the actual day of my birthday, for my 4th year friends birthday celebrations because it was his birthday too helped that a bit. I mean they made sure I was included in well wishes and wanted me to feel like I was being celebrated too. I got given birthday presents that mean so much to me that I can’t even describe what I feel when I look at them. They make me feel loved. My issue this time wasn’t completely a feeling of being unloved or not cared for like it was pretty obvious this week that I’m loved. It was still part of it because I always have that doubt and it will never go away. It really was a lot of problems I made in my own. I have actually learned how to deal with my mental health issues it’s just every now and again I forget how to deal with it or else I just need a break from trying to keep it together all the time.  I hadn’t cut myself since the 11th September. That was almost 5 months where I was free of self harm. I had the desire to do it for the last week and a half but other than that I had been totally fine. Even when I found out I failed an exam I knew that if I cut myself it wouldn’t make matters better. It wouldn’t change anything. I didn’t give it a second thought, I knew self harm was not an option. It was something I was done with, or so I thought. I don’t have a desire to do it again. In saying that though I need to keep saying to myself “I do not want to cut again” until these scars heal and fade. Well that’s if they do fade. I need to remind myself of how bad it is to do and how it solves nothing. There is always substitutes for self harm. I could write a blog instead. I could try and busy my mind with something like a video game so I’m not thinking about what is wrong with me.

I am more than just thankful of the support that I do have. I have friends who really care about me and they worry about me. They were concerned when I had done this to myself and to be honest I was concern for myself. I was worried I would do something worse to myself. I need to listen to the advice of my friend Dexter, who is the best friend I could ever ask for and I miss that I don’t get to seem him everyday like I used to. He’s also skilled at noticing when there is something wrong with me when I’m being quieter than usual. He said to me earlier when he called me that I need to “go be a college student. Take care of myself and forget about caring other people for a while.” He’s right, he’s so right. I feel like I haven’t felt like a college student since first semester of 1st year. Since I had developed so many friendships going into second semester of 1st year, I let everything to do with college go out of my mind and I focused so much on caring about my friends. Yes, I still submitted all my work and made it this far,but I’d say most of my brain power over the last year has been used to care and be concerned about my friends. I wasn’t actively doing things to help my friends but I was always worried about them constantly. I think I need to take a break and switch that part of my brain off for a while. Ok well not switch it off but let’s pretend like it’s a dimmer switch and it’s currently at 100% so  I need to turn it down to about 40% for a little while. I need to focus on my college work this semester and bring up my GPA because it took quite a hit after failing an exam. Then also, I obviously need to try and cut myself some slack and allow myself to make some mistakes and also to try different opportunities because I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life. I don’t really know what I’m trying to achieve with the course I’m doing. I honestly picked it because it sounded fun. I do have an interest in media as well but it just looked fun to do. I need to really try and find what I’m good at and try and work that into as much of my college work as I can in order to make it a bit easier for myself.

19 And I’m Still Alive!

If you asked me when I was six years old if I would have made it to the age of 19 I would have said “Of course I will sure I’ll die when I’m about 50 because that is old.” However if you would have asked me the same question when I was about 12 I would have said “No, I don’t think I will even make it to 13.” I am more than shocked that I have made it this far. I never thought I’d realistically make it past 14 let alone all the way to 19. However, I have to say that 18, like what I said about 2016, is the best worst year I’ve ever had.

Since I was about 8 or 9 I have wanted to either end my own life or wish someone would end it for me because I hated myself and my life so much. Things started to look up when I was in 6th year and I made a friend who I genuinely loved to be around and I felt like in that year of school I was really accepted.

Since being at college, I have enhanced that outlook of being accepted even more and I have begun to feel incredibly loved. It is something I doubt every single day of my existent but in the last week I really feel like that was proved. My roommates started a group chat to discuss plans for my birthday night out. My birthday has never been celebrated outside of eating cake with my family and sitting at home like any normal day since I was about 11 or 12. Since then I had hated my birthday. No one ever cared about it. Most people would forget it. Me being born wasn’t important to anyone. I might as well not have been born for the nothingness it was worth. The fact that my housemates wanted me to have and actually were organizing a proper party and celebration for me, brought me to tears. I’ve never had so many people care about me and care so much that they would even focus on making a night especially for me.

Over the weekend while I was at home with my family, my birthday was pushed to the wayside and all focus was put on my brother and his engagement to his girlfriend. Sure in some alternative universe this would be exciting but not in this one at this point in time. I couldn’t wait to get back to Tralee all weekend because I wanted to be with people that would actually want to think about my completion of another year on this earth rather than my brother getting engaged and the plans for the wedding at the tender age of 21. All weekend was focused on him and my mom was just worried about wedding plans.

It wasn’t until I got a phone call at around 10 to 11 Sunday morning, the day of my birthday, that I remembered that it was me I should be thinking about not that wedding. Jodi rang me and being the total loser that she is, sang me the entire happy birthday song over the phone. Not just one line, the whole thing. Needless to say that when I got off the phone all I could do was smile and be content in my existence. I honestly didn’t care what happened for the rest of the day. I didn’t care if I got any more birthday wishes, which at the time I had very few, I was just so happy that I could have gone the rest of the day without anything else.

Yesterday evening I saw Jodi again because one of our other friends also had their birthday the same day as me. So Jodi was here to go to that party but also said she’d call up to my house while she was there. I saw her walking up the stairs to my place with a small little gift bag and I was said “Surely that’s not for me?” Jodi replied saying “No of course not it’s for someone else.” While I knew her tone was of a joking matter, I genuinely believed it wasn’t for me. So when she got to the top of the stairs I asked her again “Is that for me?” She was like “Of course it’s for you, who else would it be for”. I dropped the half gone rollie I was smoking and hugged her. I’m not used to someone buying me presents and I get really emotional at the thought of someone thinking about me and going out and buying me something. It’s not like these things were overly expensive but the price isn’t the important thing about this, it’s the sentiment. I got Harry Potter slippers and a phone case and photo frame that told me to go after my dreams. The presents themselves mean so much to me just because of the thought that was put into them and how much I needed things like this. I mean it’s a type of encouragement I can see every single day telling me to follow my dreams that I wouldn’t have had before. I don’t think I would have had as great of a birthday as I did if it weren’t for Jodi. As much as I hate to say that one person and one person only is sole cause of happiness in my life, I think she truly is. At least for the most part but I think that on ones birthday it’s not a bad thing. It should be a day where people are thriving to make sure you actually have a “Happy Birthday” not just saying it. I have never felt more loved than the moment she handed me the bag of presents. I also really like everything she gave me which surprises me because I am inherently picky. Currently it’s enough motivation to bring me to 20 because this was the best birthday I’ve ever had because of all the love and caring that people had for me, it can only go up from here, right?

Week One Is Over And Done With!!

This is probably one of the best starts academically to a semester I’ve had. I’ve found the modules I have this semester to be more interesting than any set of modules I’ve had so far. Socially, I just think it’s been only ok up until Thursday night when I went on a night out with some people from my class, my housemates, and some 4th years of my course. I didn’t see much of the 4th years this week and with the 3rd years gone on work placement I felt kind of lonely. Luckily I did have my class to rely on for company but I did miss everyone else around the place. Since the 4th years have their own room they tend to stay in there most of the time and don’t really go into the studio all that much anymore. So it’s really just my class and that are in there for the most part these days.

I made it to every class this week so I’m proud that I started the semester off on a good note. I really hope that this is the semester I can really redeem myself. I want to bring up my GPA and it has drastically dropped since I got my results today. I failed one of my modules. As much as I expected it, I still cried when I saw the result as I sat alone in the radio studio earlier today. Thank god a little later on I saw one of my roommates and she gave me a hug and told me not to worry too much about it and that made me feel a lot better. It’s funny for anyone to look at my Snapchat story at the moment and see my snaps go from “I’m ridiculously happy” to me going “Fuck you Media Graphics!” I failed Media Graphics, a module I was once excited to do. Well lucky me I’m not rid of that subject now until August! Once I started doing the module I grew to hate it almost immediately. I failed my first submission only getting 22% on my sketchbook work which wasn’t “even worth 10% of my overall grade.” A surprising comment despite that CA giving me 11% in my overall grade. I was also told that nothing in my sketchbook had any relevance to any of my ideas. Right so you think that a simplified version that I found online of my main idea is not relevant. While I don’t think I can give enough reason for the CA grade to go up I do think her reasons she gave me were less than valid. When it came to my other/final submission for it, I was really proud of what I did. I had to design a poster and I chose to do mine for an event. I chose to do it for next year’s Pink Training since I had been to the 2016 around the time I was deciding a new idea.  I feel a reason I could have been docked marks for this is because it might have needed to be an original event idea. Not that I think that would be the main focus of this assignment. Either way I got 38% for my poster and my new additions to my sketchbook.  I also stopped going to class after I got the the sketchbook CA result because the lecturer just made me feel like a complete piece of shit. I dreaded going into the class, and I usually walked out of the class feeling upset in some way. Not that she ever said anything to me in most classes but when she did it was always ripping my work to shit. I didn’t really like the module which isn’t any excuse for doing so badly in it. It is somewhat relevant to career prospects from my course but at the same time it’s not one of the main outcomes of it. It also isn’t as irrelevant to our course as the likes of Databases. I just hate that I have to repeat such a vile subject that I don’t feel like I learned all that much from. I tried to get the most out of it as I could but realistically everything we were thought I probably could have picked up myself using online tutorials. I know I didn’t go to classes once I got that CA result but all that happened in those classes I skipped was working on the project and having her making her own changes to a project that is supposed to be yours. Fair enough if she was the client I was making the poster for but she’s not. I’m actually tempted to send my poster off to the Union of Students of Ireland so they can tell me what they think of it. Obviously I made up all the info on it because I don’t know where or who will be involved with it for the next one. I won’t do that though because the USI are incredibly busy especially this weekend with their Women in Leadership conference which I would have really liked to have gone to but I know if I want to do well this semester I should try and refrain from going to things like that as much as I might want to go.

I was going to write about my night out but I think I’ll leave this one out for once because for the most part it was perfect and I don’t feel like writing about. It feels like it was some sort of wonderful dream. It was a shorter night than usual but I just felt so happy the entire time.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my birthday. It is one week from Sunday and I don’t know why I keep thinking about it. I’m only turning 19 so it’s not that special of a birthday but I always worry about the fact that no one will care. I’ve never had someone who was ever excited about my birthday yet I’ve seen people I know get so excited about the birthday of one of their friends that they’ll go to a massive amount of effort in doing something for that friend or creating a collage (which I ultimately dislike, but if you go to the effort of making one I will still appreciate it), or writing some thoughtful, sincere birthday message on their Facebook wall (my preferred present). For the most part, people your friends with won’t spend all day complimenting you, telling you all the reasons they like you, or tell you how much they appreciate you and are thankful that you were born. I don’t do that and I don’t know anyone of does. First of all, I’m sure someone would find it creepy in a way if all someone did was say all these things to them because it sounds a bit obsessive. Every no and again it’s fine but more than that is crossing some sort of line. Secondly, if someone was telling you these things all the time they were lose their sincerity and you would begin to think the person is lying or just saying it because they think it’s a nice thing to say whether it’s actually true or not. I find that these things are said to me on nights on usually when my friends are a few drinks in. Like I do know there’s sincerity and a truth behind what they’re saying and for a while what they said will make me feel loved and happy but then I start to question that they only said it because they were a bit drunk. I have been complimented and told nice things by them when their sober too but not nearly as often or as meaningful. Usually when their drunk they say the things that I really wanted to hear them say. When their sober it tends to be something smaller and nothing particularly special. I do think that on my birthday it would be nice if I got told actual, tangible, true feelings or reasons they have towards me as a person and our friendship. I want to cry from happiness from my birthday messages not just read it, smile and never look at it again. I want it to be something I can read a million times over. Hence why I made a birthday book for Jodi’s 21st because it essentially was what I would like. I do think it is somewhat of a luxury gift, particularly in my eyes as what my friends would genuinely think about me really concerns me yet it’s something I crave more than anything. I don’t expected to get one or expect to get anything similar but a girl can dream can’t she?

2016: Despite Everything, I Ain’t Down Yet!

I know we are all on the same page that 2016 was a bitch of a year, especially in respect to celebrity deaths. We lost so many famous faces and for the first time in 3 years some of these deaths hit me very hard. They weren’t just celebrities, they were creative influences, icons, and really phenomenal people. Alan Rickman passed away early on in the year and I felt really morose because he was a big part of my life. The first Harry Potter film was released when I was 3 and I think I saw it for the first time shortly after when it was released on VHS because I was too young to go see it in the cinema. His character when I was younger scared me quite a bit but that was only because he reminded me of my teachers which I was frightened of. By the time the 3rd movie came out and I found his character to be more like a protective figure than just a strict professor, I started to like his character and him a lot more. I used to watch behind the scenes videos and always see him laughing with the other actors on set. I don’t have many examples other than the Harry Potter films to base this off of but I really admired him as an actor. The death that effected me the most this year was that of Christina Grimmie in June. I had watched her videos for years and although at the time of her death I only rarely ever watched her videos, I would always go back and check in every now and again and smile when I saw her name in articles about her touring. I really hoped when I saw that she had died that it was a hoax. I was really hoping it was a death hoax. When I found out that it wasn’t I felt choked up and I was speechless. It took me hours to get my thoughts together on it. I cried for a long time, the only other time I had cried at a celebrity death at that point was Cory Monteith’s in 2013. I went back to her YouTube channel and listened to all the songs that I loved hearing her sing. Of course that only extended my crying fest. I really looked up to her, I even tried learning how to play piano because of her. Granted my skills are basic on the Yamaha keyboard I got one Christmas that I failed to attempt until I watched her videos years after receiving it.  Recently the deaths of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds have upset me quite a bit. More so Debbie Reynolds. I have developed a love for Carrie Fisher since watching a few of video of her like her special ‘Wishful Drinking’, her interviews, and reading some of her quotes on mental health. I never watched Star Wars or anything she was in so I had less of a connection to her. However, I really respect her as a person and how strong she was. It makes me want to try and keep fighting through and battling my mental illnesses as best I can. Debbie Reynolds has always reminded me of my grandmother, and my grandmother is my absolute favourite family member. I first saw Debbie in the film Halloweentown which was released the year I was born, so it’s always been on TV when I was growing up. I loved her portrayal of Aggie Cromwell. As in she was the only character I really cared about for the most part. I would only really pay attention when she was on screen. I have since see some clips from some of her films in her early career like ‘Singing in the Rain’,’Tammy and the Bachelor’ and ‘The Unsinkable Molly Brown’. In ‘Molly Brown’ she sings a song called ‘I Ain’t Down Yet’ hence where the title of this blog comes from. Seeing all these gave me more respect and appreciation for her. When I found out she died I got really upset and I cried for a bit. Then because I was feeling overwhelmed I went outside for a cigarette and I broke down again while I was outside and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

That’s as much as I’m going to get into talking about what happened in the world because I think enough people have given out about Trump and all the other shit that this year had to offer. I’m going to reflect back on how this year was for me. I think the best way for me to describe it is that it’s been the best bad year I’ve ever had, because no year for me is ever good. This year brought many amazing people and opportunities into my life but it was also a very difficult year for me. First off I’m going to reflect on the New Years Resolutions I made last year. The first one was to lose weight and I think I actually did that. I did starve myself a bit but I had been doing for that in 2015 too but I guess it worked out better this time. I’ve since stopped that and worked on just have smaller meals spaced out instead of skipping two meals a day. My next one was to be a good P.R.O for the Radio Society and I think I did that. I mean we made it to BICS and one of the awards we were going for was heavily reliant on my work. Although we didn’t win the experience at the BICS Awards was amazing and I would love nothing more than to go back again in 2017, so here’s hoping!! My next resolution was to talk more on radio and I definitely did that. In February, my friend Jodi had me on her radio show to talk about my role as P.R.O. and I think that is still the best show I have ever recorded on radio and I’ve done a good few at this point. I was very sarcastic but I wasn’t being too harsh and I just had a good time doing that show. I think it really highlighted how much I had come out of my shell since starting college a few months prior.  I had only really just become good friends with Jodi around that time too so it made the whole atmosphere a lot more enjoyable because we got on very well and I could talk to her easily enough, which is my main problem when talking on radio I’m not a good conversationalist normally. The last of the main resolutions was for me to be a better friend and now this had two parts to it. The first part being more for myself to talk to my friends more and not be afraid to call them or message them if I had a problem that I needed to talk to someone about or else just to talk to them because I wanted to. I’m always afraid that I will be bothering them so I just never do. This is something I haven’t improved upon this year at all. I will still sit in my room and feel really alone even though it could easily be fixed if I talked to someone. The other part of that resolution was for me to actively be a better friend. Make sure I complimented my friends more, let them know how important they are to me, help them with anything and stress the point to them that they could talk to me about anything. That part of the resolution I really think I did a lot better on. Like I say in almost every blog I write, nothing makes me happier than seeing someone I care about smile or laugh. Selfishly I always want to be the reason for that, but even if I’m not who cares because they are happy and that is more important than anything. One of my resolutions that I was trying to continue from 2015 was to be funnier and while I do think I try a bit hard sometimes, I think the jokes I make are coming to me a lot more naturally and I know my friends in college well enough at this point to make jokes that really cater to them. I felt a lot more accepted than I did last year. For first semester of college I felt a bit out of place for a while but I felt like I really found my place in second semester.

I think I would attribute that to being on the radio society committee. I felt like I had a voice. I felt kind of in charge. I know I wasn’t chairperson or anything but I did strike a bit of fear into our chairperson. He saw me when I was extremely stressed and angry when it came to filling out forms for BICS. It’s nice to know that Dexter is still a a bit scared of me even though we don’t work on the committee together anymore. He helped me the most this year through everything. Through the stress of those forms and through my anxiety attacks. He always asked me if I was ok. He always wanted to make sure I was happy. He also never wanted to let me down, which I don’t think he could possibly ever do. This semester though he’s really been there for me when I needed him which is both great and awful. Great, because I really needed him. Awful, because he’s going to be gone the next 8 months. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. He was much too good to me, at times when I didn’t even deserve it. I could have yelled at him about something and instead of getting angry back he wouldn’t say anything for a while and when I calmed down he’d asked me what was really wrong. I usually just said stress with assignments. Since I have dedicated an entire blog to him recently I will end my praises with one final thing. Dexter, I cherish our friendship so much and I can’t wait for you to kick ass as station manager of Wired FM.

I also became better friends with Stan this year. I really appreciate his humour and I think we just get on really well. We’re the two in our class who don’t do our work until last minute. We skip a lot of the same classes and we can be bad influences with each other and convince the other to also skip the class. I actually learn a lot from him, whether it’s pop culture, sports, social or political issues, there’s always something. He’s the person I tell everything to even when he’s tired of hearing me go on about the same things time and time again. He gives me shit for it sometimes but I know it comes from a place of caring.

I want to take a minute to thank my roommates, or housemates whatever you want to call them. I’m very grateful for you putting up with me, your support and thank you with dealing with me when I’m acting crazy. You girls make me laugh so much and ye made the transition of moving out of home so much easier. I promise that this year I will help clean more, I know I wasn’t helping out a lot. Thank you for being good friends to me and I’m looking forward for these last few months until we all move out in May. I dread that day so much, so for now let’s just live in the moment and have a good time in Apartment 8 aka the best apartment in Oakfield!!

Someone who I feel like I’ve spent most of my time with this year is Jodi. Seeing as I had maybe a total of like 4 conversations with her this time last year, it sort of surprised me a little. To be fair, I think the best friendships always happen unexpectedly. I expect that all that time spent with me she is probably glad to have a break from me at the moment.  I know you’ll be super busy this semester so feel free to tell me fuck off at any point.  Also remember that if you want to talk to me about anything I’m always there and don’t you dare apologize again for crying in front of me, if something is upsetting you let me be there to listen and/or turn those tears in laughter asap.Since you make me laugh so much, because I think you’re hilarious, I think I should try and return the favour! As part of one of my New Years Resolutions I want to let go of my fear of embarrassing myself so if me doing something that would embarrass myself in some way would make you laugh I’ll do it. I’m embarrassed by a lot of things, so girl you have a lot to choose from. (I can also be hired for small parties and corporate functions.) Also I’m sorry for when I was being a massive bitch and upsetting you during the year, well it really during the past few months. I will spend this year making it up to you and making sure I don’t do anything like that again.

While this year has had many highlights like the BICS Awards, Sports and Socs Ball, College Ball, Pink Training, March for Education etc., there has been some bumps in the road. My mental health went to absolute shit this year and I mean to the point where I was like “Who is this crazy bitch?” I’ve had I think about 4 fully fledged anxiety attacks this year and they’ve all happened in college. I’ve probably had a lot of little ones which I either had when I was alone or else I kept it to myself so no one knew anything was wrong. I started cutting myself in about May or June and continued to do so up until September on my first night out of Freshers Week where my friend started crying so much because of what I had done to myself.  She was also fairly drunk and is prone to crying a lot anyways but I would still like to lessen that happening as much as I possibly can. I knew if I stopped that it would make sure that an incident like that wouldn’t happen again. So I did stop and I haven’t cut myself since. I like to compare that moment of us in the chipper where she cried at my scars to the scene in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets where Fawkes’ tears heal the massive gash on Harry’s arm caused by the Basilisk. Not that my scars healed immediately but had I not stopped cutting at that time I probably never would have stopped. So luckily now I don’t have any permanent scars from that time, well at least not any that are easy to see. I like to think they are all gone but I can still see the faint lines on my skin, they turned into white scars which I already have enough of on my body with the stretch marks I have everywhere. I have been fairly suicidal this year not that it’s something I have talked much about. It’s not really a great topic of conversation. I’ve been doing good though like the last few weeks. Probably because I finally started using anti-depressants. I’m still trying to figure out whether they are actually helping or whether it’s like the placebo effect where I think they should help me so I feel like they are but really it’s all in head. Well technically it all is anyway, my head is where all the problems lie.

I know I haven’t really talked that much about the good things that happened during the year but most of them have been put into a blog that you can just go and read. If they’re not in a blog then they are just memories that I’m keeping to myself, in other words they are videos I recorded on snapchat of my friends that just make me happy that I have them in my life. They are just a constant source of joy and entertainment. So I’m going to talk about my resolutions for this year and let’s hope I can be better this year in some way!!

2017 Resolutions:

  1. Stop taking myself so seriously-I need to learn to laugh at myself more and get over my fear of embarrassment because it holds me back a lot. Sure there’s times where I’d love to dance around like nobody’s watching but I just don’t want to look stupid in front of people.  I need to let that go. Look stupid in front of people. Like why does there opinion matter if I’m having fun? It doesn’t. Remember that!
  2. Focus on college-Girl, I need to stay in college or I will have nothing. I love it there and I don’t want to give it up because I have difficulty focusing. Pick up the slack this semester, because repeating isn’t an option.
  3. Learn to deal with being alone-I have a fear of both abandonment and being alone. So when I’m alone, I get really depressed. I have a constant need to always be around people and when I’m not I kind of freak out, like a lot. I get inside my own head and tell myself why I’m alone “It’s because they all hate you!” Sometimes it can go to the realm of insanity where I ask myself “Are you sure there ever was people? You have actually been alone the last 18 years, you just imagined that these other people were there!” Luckily the latter thought is very rare.
  4. Work on making myself better-I think I’ve spent the last 2 years saying I will try and make myself better, but I want this to be the year where I really start doing something about it. The year is already off to a good start, so I need to try and keep it up!!

 

 

 

To Dexter,

Well it’s coming up to the time where you will depart from the college to go on work placement. It is also the time where I will realise how much I actually needed having you around. Over the past year and a half, you have been without a doubt ome of my favourite people that I’ve met at college even though I might not always say that. That is merely my gender bias as typically I do prefer girls. However, you have changed my perspective on that. When I entered college, a nervous and extremely socially anxious 17 year old, from the first day I met you you have always been really nice to me. Which before you, I didn’t think it would be possible for a guy to be in any way kind to me. You restored my faith in the male population.

I met you during the first week of classes. My class and I were in the R-block waiting for our lecturer to turn up. We told you that we were 1st year TV Radio and you introduced yourself to us and ask all our names. You urged us to join the radio society. We would see you two more times that week, again both times you were telling us to join the society. So when societies day eventually came along I signed up because although I didn’t know what to think of you because it felt like you were following us everywhere, I was interested to see what the society had to offer. I went to the first meeting you were the one I looked for in the crowded room because you were the only society member that I knew. You have continued to be one of the people I look for in a crowded room to this day.  I remember the first time I actually saw the desk and got a crash course on how to use it.  I was at the seating area across from the radio studio and was able to hear your morning show playing while I tried to get my work done. I got really excited when I heard you fade Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’ into Johnny Cash’s ‘I Walk The Line’. I thought it was the most amazing show ever because the songs weren’t the typical shitty pop songs that are constantly on commercial radio stations. You walked over to one of my classmates and I. I asked you “Was that you just on the radio there?” Trying to pretend as if I hadn’t already memorized the show timetable by the 3rd week of college. You said it was and asked if it was good because you could only play music because the microphones weren’t working (shocker).  I then proceeded to fangirl, to an extent, as I told you how much I loved the song choices and how cool I found the fading between songs. You then brought me and my classmate into the studio to show us how the desk worked and I immediately forgot everything, but thank you for the introduction to it. We all stayed in the studio until class started about an hour later. I told you that I was gay and then I think I quickly changed it to bi but stated I had a preference to women. I think that was the first time I had said it to someone in college. We started to show each other photos of each others friends and asked did the other people think they were hot or not. It was one of your ideas to do that, not mine.

The first time I think I hung out with you outside of the college grounds was the day of the power cut. It was in October and we all got to leave really early. So we went with the then 3rd years and another girl in my class to McDonalds. The 3rd year tables were already full so it was me,you and the girl in my class at a table together. You asked us who the bitch in our class was. I said “It’s obviously me.” You laughed at that. After that the 3 of us went with two 3rd years to your house. We were there for a while. You played call of duty with one of the 3rd years and kept saying things like “Isn’t my house really cool?” You were pretty much just trying to be really cool the entire time.

At the first normal meeting for Bang FM, the shows in which first years had to sit in on were being decided. You knew that I was a bit nervous about having to sit in on a show so you put me with the two chairpersons of the society and you assured me that they would be nice and welcoming and not to be nervous because they will teach me how to use the desk, and very well I might add. Through our conversations over the next few months I felt myself becoming more comfortable around both you and the rest of the members of the society. I was less afraid to go into the radio studio as I had been avoiding going in there for the first two months out of fear of everyone else. I was also very gullible in first semester to anything you told me. After a while I realised that you just talk a lot of shit and not everything you say actually happened. Like you weren’t as much of a stoner as you had me believe, but at the time it was all I could think of to write in the Christmas card I gave you. It was the end of December when we both got voted to be in the new committee for the society. I was so excited for myself because I got to be P.R.O. Even more than that though, I was really proud of you for becoming the chairperson. I knew that I had to have fun being on that committee because you would be on it. I always had fun even through all the stressful times of work.

I loved every meeting, especially the committee ones. We hadn’t much going on for the first month but then came the planning for our event as well as all the publicising I had to do for it. I liked being a part of something and I liked knowing what was going on before anyone else did.  The actual event planning and all my work online wasn’t all that bad. It was all very successful and the event itself went very well. The forms for BICS on the other hand were absolutely dire. We spent more time together during the time we were doing them than we ever have since. Every evening we would be doing forms and stressing out about them for a few weeks. We were even in doing work over the Easter break for them. There was points where I was getting so stressed that I got angry at you, and  actually most people around me at the time.  There was a few evenings where we would leave college and I remember one of them when we walking and it was a night where we had most of the work done. We got to the roundabout where you would have been crossing at to go home. You gave me a hug and were like “Thank you missus. Wouldn’t have been able to do all this without you.” I don’t think there was ever a time where you made me feel unappreciated. You made sure I knew that the work I was doing was good. I would like to thank you for that because it made me want to keep working and it made all the stress worth it. I liked that we communicated well. If something needed to be discussed about the society you would call me. You called me once on your walk to work and I don’t think many other people have realised that calling me is actually useful and that phones are capable of doing such things.

You are one of the few people who can deal with my mental health in a good way. You always kind of know what to say to me and you are constantly checking up on me. I was after having a major anxiety attack one day when we needed to get work done last year and I said to you “Right, I don’t want anyone in here bar you and Captain Kerry because we need to do work. Keep everyone else out. Except Jodi she’s cool I guess.” You always ask why I’m not feeling ok as opposed to just moving on from it and forgetting I said anything. You try to make me laugh during those times too because sometimes I’m upset for a stupid reason so you just call me a loser and tell me the truth that I am, in fact, bringing that pain onto myself and I need to stop doing that. You are right, yet I refuse to listen.  Recently you have been there for me even more. I tweeted something recently which was really bad and had I done what I said I wanted to do, it would have been harmful to me. Despite the fact that you do not follow me on twitter, you decided that you would look at it as a way to check up on me. You talked to one of my roommates as soon as you found out to check see if I was ok. You didn’t check with me directly or tell me about this until a day or two after because you didn’t want to freak me out. You told me that I was stupid for even thinking about it and I know I was. After you had this discussion with me on Thursday, you gave me a hug and that day I was also feeling really shitty so that hug actually meant a lot.  Even while writing this blog you were checking up on me to make sure I was ok.

So this semester started off with me seeing very little of you, which I was very vocal about not liking. I hated that I hardly saw you. Then about a month ago you started calling up to my house for tea and even spending almost every night of one week at my house always later than 1am. As this semester comes to a close I need to face the music that you won’t be around for next semester. I feel like I’ll be a bit lost without you. I’m trying not to think about too much about it for as long as possible. I guess the real point of this blog was to say that I will miss you. I know I’ll see you again in September but I’ll miss you face around college everyday. I know I don’t say it enough to you so I just want to say, thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the last year and a bit. Thank you for putting up with me when I’m in a bad mood. Thank you for caring about me because I’m always insecure about the fact that I feel like no one cares about me, but I know for definite that you do. I love you loser and let’s have one last hurrah before you leave for work placement!!

Pink Training 2016!

I don’t think I have the words to properly describe what that weekend was but I will try to paint the picture of it as best as I can. It was the most amazing weekend of my life and I can’t be more thankful that I had the opportunity to go. It was the 1st time in a really long time where I was at an event and I didn’t feel insecure at all. For those of you who don’t know, Pink Training is a 3 day long event run by the USI in relation to the LGBTQIA+ community and discussing current issues affecting the community and learning more about other identities that we may not know much about. I didn’t really get too excited about going. Mostly because if I get too excited about something it usually ends up going to shit. I got nervous about going to it alright. I’m not a stranger to being out and proud but it is still a secret to the likes of my parents and family. I made sure when I started college that everyone knew that I was gay, or at the time bisexual. Only one person ever seemed to have a problem with it and they have since ceased in their detest for it.

As proud of my sexuality as I am, there is still issues I always have with it and there is ways in which I hide it. I never think about my sexuality a lot and it is something I always push to the back of my mind. In fact, I thought I might like girls from the age of like 12 and didn’t think it was something I needed to waste my time thinking about so I just forgot about it. It wasn’t until I was 15 or 16 that I started to learn about what being gay really was and that I actually could be a lesbian. On a daily basis, I do tend to hide half of my sexuality because of the negative stereotypes and misunderstandings that go along with it. That is the fact that I am asexual and if I tell anyone that they just want to tell me that I’m wrong and when the right person comes along I will change my mind. They think that because I’m asexual I can’t be attracted to girls and my lesbian status is wrong. I am romantically attracted to girls and I do have sexual thoughts towards some of these girl crushes it doesn’t make me any less asexual and being asexual doesn’t make me any less of a lesbian.

So back to Pink Training. We started off by registering. We ended up getting a bag full of free things, a t-shirt which has a quote by Oscar Wilde on it that says “Be yourself;everyone else is already taken”, we got wristbands that say “I’m an LGBT ally”, and we got lanyards where we wrote our name, pronouns, and our college. The pronouns being on them was really wonderful to see because it erases the need to try and awkwardly ask and you can skip right to the stage of respecting what someone’s pronouns are from the beginning. Like if someone asked me what my pronouns are it would make me feel somewhat insecure like I think “Do I not look like a girl?” At the same time that isn’t exactly how I should be thinking because what does it mean to look like a girl but when you are the gender you are and you accept and identify yourself as that gender you just feel like everyone else should be able to see that too. It’s also the fact that as a cis female I have been mis-gendered more than once so I feel really strongly about using the correct pronouns for everyone because that mis-gendering stuff feels really shit.

After registration we got free pizza and then since we had registered so early and that was on for 2 hours we went to the room where the first talk was on in and watched them set up the speakers and microphones and stuff. While this was happening  one of the guys working for USI was just playing a videos on the projecter and we were just pissing ourselves laughing. Eventually the talk was starting so we got our seats up in one of the middle rows of the lecture hall that it was on in. As eager as we were about Pink Training we weren’t eager enough to stay sitting in the front row. I loved the welcome talk so much it was really during that talk that I really started to get excited about Pink Training. Also that my love for one of the USI members is still intact and stronger than ever. We didn’t have really many talks on the Friday it was mostly and introduction so we for all of Friday we just had the welcome talk, icebreakers and then a Lip Sync Battle. On the lanyards we got a important person in the LGBT+ community written on the back of each one e.g. Laverne Cox, Ellen Degeneres,Harvey Milk etc. There was rooms marked with a photo and description of who the person was an whoever’s name was on the back of our lanyards was the room we had to go to for our icebreakers. I got the Panti Bliss room. The icebreaker was a bingo game where it had things like “Is a Ravenclaw”, “Actually likes the taste of vodka”, “Has a crush on someone at Pink Training”. The whole point of it was that we had to go talk to the other people in the room in hopes that we could say yes to one of the boxes on our bingo sheet and we could cross it off and write their name on underneath where we marked it off. It was fun actually and I usually really hate icebreakers. We went back into the main room of the Training which was the Harvery Milk room and we watched the Lip Sync Battle. We learned a lot about Harvey Milk over the weekend and before then I had never heard of him but now I’m really interested to learn even more about him because his story is really interesting and I’ve always been very curious in the LGBT+ community in the 20th century. The Lip Sync battle was amazing but due to unforeseen circumstances it was cut short and we watched the rest of the acts on Sunday. It was hosted by one of the local drag queens and I realized this weekend that I love drag queens. They just make me so happy.

When that finished up we drove back to the hostel to get ready for our first night out in Cork. Unlike most colleges we drove to the event and I think it made it much better because if we had to rely on public transport I’d say we would have missed talks because we would not have gotten up in time for the bus. Also the drives up and down were a really great part of the weekend. We got to the hostel and I was given a top bunk. I didn’t ask for one but I secretly wanted one more than anything. As soon as I got up there I think I was really happy. I was sitting up there Saturday morning and Jodi looked up at me, which was a first, and was like “I have never seen you more happy than when you’re sitting up there. Like you have not stopped smiling since you got up there.” The room was really small but luckily it was only the 6 of us from our delegation that were in the room so it wasn’t that bad. It just meant that I couldn’t always leave the room when I wanted to and I kept having to delay it because there was nowhere for me to walk. I just sat up on my bunk pretending like I was getting ready. It doesn’t take me that long to get ready anyways so it wasn’t that much of a hindrance. I did have to use alternative sides of the bed to get down that weren’t the designated ladder but I didn’t fall once (thank god). While we were getting ready one of my friends in my class sent me a message saying that she showed her friend a photo of me and she thought I was “gorgeous”, which made me feel like this was a joke message because who the fuck would think that about me. I knew it wasn’t a joke because my friend wouldn’t do that but anyways the girl was looking for my number. I knew I didn’t want to give her my number but I still wasn’t completely sure what to do so I showed it to Jodi and she read it out to the room. The entirety of my delegation was like “Message her back right fucking now and get that number!” I messaged my friend back anyway and said I didn’t feel comfortable giving her my number because I didn’t know anything about her bar her first name. Also I didn’t want to be thinking about that while I was going out because I was really hoping this weekend I would get my first ever shift but that never happened. At least some people got that lucky this weekend!!!

So we eventually called a taxi to get into town from our hostel. We had a little bit to pre drink but we had to leave so that we would be in before half past 11 because they had free entry until then. We didn’t make it in in time but entry was only €3 so it wasn’t that bad. So I had my first experience with Chambers and I fucking loooooooved it!!!!! Until I went there I thought I hated nightclubs, I still probably hate most of them but I love Chambers. The music wasn’t bad and I had waaay too much to drink that night. At least I had one drink paid for. That was by a girl that I met at BICS in April and who I referred to in that blog as Hedgehog, so I’m sticking with that as her name for the rest of this too. (Alternative title for this blog was ‘The Return of Hedgehog’ but I didn’t want this blog to be all about her, I think someone else would might a much better one than I ever could about her). I spent all night in the nightclub with my delegation, Hedgehog, and a guy who was at Pink Training that I have been friends with since I was 5 and I had not seen him since March so I was really happy that he was there. I can’t even remember what drinks I had that night but that’s mostly because I wasn’t the one who ordered them. I just gave someone money to get me whatever shot they were getting. All in all Friday was a good night. We got back to the hostel and I went up to my bunk first because somebody wasn’t ready to go to bed yet because apparently one would regret sleeping in jeans, but not me I didn’t regret it someone else felt like they would have and told me I would too. I was literally lying down covers over me and everything and then I hear that Jodi and two of the girls were going out for a cigarette and I sprung out of bed and I was like “Wait for me I want to have one too!!” After our cigarette we went back upstairs and were getting ready for bed. A teddy that Jodi had bought earlier that day was kicked out of the bed. There is a story behind this teddy and it makes me laugh so much. So when we arrived in Cork we were there a few hours before registration started so we went to the Wilton shopping centre. We went into Penneys and you know we were shopping around getting things that we needed like unicorn bracelets and some stuff we didn’t need like fake eyelashes. We were looking at the gift section of the shop where they were selling customized cups and mugs and stuff and Jodi sees this little penguin teddy there all on it’s own and it made her feel sad she was like “Where’s his family? I need to go find his family!” She looked for the family for the bones of 30 seconds and gave up but wouldn’t let go of the teddy. If she couldn’t find his family then he was coming home with her, and that’s exactly what happened. Even though when we were in the queue she did actually see a place where there was a load of these small Christmas teddies, at that point she had developed an emotional attachment to him and had to buy him at that stage because there was no turning back. She walked out of their then and was like “I don’t know why I did that. I don’t need him. I couldn’t leave him there but like why did I just buy him?” Anyways as the day progressed the teddy later became known as Fred, I think it was a very apt name. So when he got kicked out of bed Friday night I felt bad for him. Once he got the name I really felt like he became part of the delegation. Also I usually have a teddy at home so I found comfort in having one while I was there. Especially seeing as I had no person to actually cuddle with, I had to deal with what I was given. I am sure though that anyone who had someone to actually cuddle with there had a much better night than I did. I got really emotional Friday night when I went to bed after my cigarette so I kind of had a bit of a short,silent cry before I actually went to sleep and no it had nothing to do with me sleeping in an unfamiliar place or anything like that I just felt lonely in a room of 6 people.

So Saturday morning was not very fun when waking up. I was so tired but thank god all I had to was throw on a t-shirt and wipe off my make-up. I went to a lot of talks on Saturday but there is a few I regretted not going to. From the ones I did go to though I learned how to run a kick-ass society, the link between repeal the 8th and LGBT+ rights, and decoding bisexual stereotypes. I loved that bisexual talk so much because there is so many stupid stereotypes surrounding bi people and they infuriate me more than anything else so if you think that they are representative of what it means to be bisexual than I will physically fight you you fucking ignorant bastard. We then got a talk from Microsoft because they were sponsoring PT and honestly I couldn’t complain especially when I saw the speaker from Microsoft. As in Jodi, Hedgehog and I were all sitting next to each other and just weak for the speaker, she was insanely pretty and the American accent really helped, or at least it really did for Jodi. We then got a talk from a guy who had a history with the gay rights movement in Cork and really pointed out how much Cork is involved in the movement which I never realised until his talk. We then made our way back to the hostels to get ready for night 2. I decided I would wear a dress because why the fuck not? While I didn’t really feel insecure over the weekend, there was a few points where I felt less secure about myself because of someone else. Someone who I found out is the same clothes size as me, has a really fucking attractive body and then there’s me with nothing to offer anyone unless they want to cuddle a fucking human marshmallow, which no one obviously fucking does. (Sorry that sentence came off angrier than I intended it too.) The people in my delegation really liked the dress when I showed it to them and when I wearing it they said I looked nice. That was the start and end of any compliments I received during the weekend, it’s not like I expected any.

We left the hostel to go to the bar where we were meeting all the other delegates for the Pink Party. There was giant Jenga, finger food, and more importantly there was a bowling alley on the second floor. The place seemed unreal. We had to be at the bar around half 8 after getting back to the hostel at around 7 so there was no time for pre-drinking, much to everyone’s dismay except mine because I’m a lightweight.  So when we got to the bar, Jodi and I went to a nearby off licence so that she could buy a naggin of vodka. It was down a not very well lit alley way and because she was nervous for just the two of us to walk down there she said “Should we get a lad to go with us?” To which I responded being “We don’t need a fucking lad!!!” So we made our way there fine but Jodi had to do a bit of a jog back because she was still a bit scared about that alley way. We got back to the bar and Jodi ordered a 7-up and we went upstairs so that she could go to the bathroom to mix it with her naggin. She was acting as if she was doing something illegal like it felt like we about to plan a heist or throw a cherry bomb down the toilet or something.  We went back down and met up with the rest of our delegation and headed towards Chambers. We made it there just in time for free entry. Also I was happy I wasn’t as drunk as the Friday night because I had to show my age card, student card and lanyard and I would have not been able to do that if I was any more inebriated. I think I had the best night that night because while we were in there I got to meet the USI president and I think I died and went to heaven. I can’t remember the last time I was that incredibly happy. We didn’t even talk for that long. I told her that I saw her at the Education March a few weeks ago and I loved her speeches from that and she immediately goes “Have you contacted your local TD yet? You’d better contact them as soon as you get home. Promise me that.” I told her that I will but we’ll just leave it at that. While I was talking to her and just on cloud nine, Jodi was standing nearby with one of the other USI officers and she says to him “Look over there, look at Sandra.” He goes “What has her so happy?” Jodi just says “Because of who she’s talking to.” I think he then just rolled his eyes. I then had a shot with the USI president and another officer, I think it was sambuca. After I was done with that interaction with the USI president, which two days later I’m still on a high from, I ran straight over the Jodi and hugged her, kissed on the cheek and was like “Thank you so much!!!!!” Jodi then said that even more than when I was sitting up in the top bunk of the bed in the hostel, she had never ever seen me more happy then that moment in Chambers. I don’t know if I had ever been that happy before but I loved it. I love that the happiness hasn’t subsided yet. I also got a selfie with her so I can always relive that moment. We were in Chambers for another while and then we headed back to the hostel.

This is where I brought the happiness to a halt. I don’t know why but I got the idea into my head that I would be cuddling Jodi that night, like why would I think  when I’m you know human marshmallow and all that, but I got really upset when I found out that it was not to be. I had no right to be upset. I had no reason to be upset. I just remember we were both outside our room in the hallway and as I go to the room door I just said like “Go fuck yourself Jodi!” She says to me in a sort of calm voice, “Sandra, stop it. We never said that was going to happen.You can’t get upset about this” Again I go “Just go fuck yourself”. She said “Are you going to be angry at me in the morning?” I kind of smirked because I’m not used to being angry like that and she said straight away “Ha you’re smiling, you’re not mad at me at all.” If anything I think this made me more upset and I don’t know why so I just started saying “Do whatever the fuck you want I don’t care anymore you can fuck off!” Then she said something that kind of broke my heart she was like “Do you want me to start crying?” I completely switched and I ran up to her and I was like “Please don’t cry. I’m sorry. I really don’t want you to cry I was being stupid.” I think I had said sorry but it’s hard to remember. A lot was happening in the space of a few minutes. So then I gave her a hug and she started bawling crying. All weekend I never felt any bit sick but in that moment I actually felt so sick to my stomach with myself. I felt evil. I felt like I had done the worst thing, which I did. I hurt someone who has never hurt me. It didn’t matter that I was drunk, that is no excuse. I was an utter bitch. So while I was hugging her and she was crying she tried to let go and said “I’m fine.” I said in a sad sort of soft voice, “No you’re not.” Still crying she said “You’re right, I’m not” So I hugged her for a bit longer and shortly after that she stopped crying. We did make up before we actually went to bed but I again silently cried myself to sleep but that night it was worse because I knew I had fucked up. You know what I didn’t deserve to cuddle anyone that night. I didn’t even deserve Fred, the penguin teddy, but I had him nonetheless.  I don’t think I said anything about it the next day because we were so busy for most of the day so I think I kind of blocked it out. I thought about it in the car but I didn’t want to bring down the vibe of the car journey home and also I only wanted to say it to Jodi. I sent her a message when I got home because I couldn’t sleep without properly apologising. I am really sorry about what happened and I feel like I am coming very close to strike 3 in this friendship so I’m worried if I fuck up once more that’s it. She’ll say “gone good luck” to me and that’ll be it. I know I’m being a little paranoid but my biggest fear, even more than spiders or the many other things I am extremely fearful of, is losing her as a friend and I will try my hardest to make sure I don’t ever fuck up again because I fucking hate this feeling and I hate what I did. Now all I can do is apologise, prove that it won’t happen again, and try to show her that I’m not a complete fuckwad.

Sunday morning I woke up and everyone was rushing around packing their bags which I had pretty much done all of the night so I know I had time to keep lying there and not doing anything. I think I got hit twice to get the fuck up and then I got a pillow thrown at me by one of the girls and I threw it back at her and was told that if I didn’t get up straight away she would go over to my bunk and attack me. So I sat up immediately and was like “I’m up, you can’t attack me now!” I ended up just throwing my jeans on and sitting up there while I watched everyone else rush to get things done. Like I was ready to go before anyone else really. Yet none of us would have left in time for the only talk I was actually really excited to go to which was “Asexuality 101” the first of our cars that went would have gotten there half way through the talk and I didn’t go then because I’d rather have been in that talk from the start, I couldn’t walk in half way through into that talk. When Jodi knew that I was missing it I just said to her “Well there’s nothing I can really do about it now. It’s fine!” I was in the room for ages with Jodi and Hedgehog and the whole time I was still just sitting up in my bunk. Jodi was like “Are we all ready to go?” To which Hedgehog says “Sure Sandra isn’t ready to go she’s still up in bed!” So I tried to be cool and really fucking smooth and jump over the railing of my bunk on the ground below and I landed successfully. However, I really hurt my shoulders when I jumped from the bed because I was holding onto the railing of both my bed and the one across from it. So when I jumped down I felt like I was going to pull my arms out of their sockets. As soon as I landed I laid down in the bottom bunk until my shoulders stopped hurting which took a couple of minutes. It would have been nice if they were more concerned about the fact that I could have dislocated one or both of my shoulders but sure look and sure listen I was fine. I didn’t need anyone to care. It just shows what happens when I try to be smooth and show off. It ends up making me look stupid.

We got into the college in time for about half an hour of the safe spaces. Each identity had their own room so like there was a gay safe space, a bi safe space, a transgender safe space etc. So I wasn’t really in the mood to go into one of these talks alone,I wasn’t with anyone who was my orientation and I was torn between going to the lesbian space or the asexual space. I just went with Jodi into the bisexual safe space and I really loved it. The speakers in their were amazing and like I really just loved the atmosphere of the room and hearing all the different stories. If anything I think that that was the best talk of PT bar anything that went on in the main lecture hall when we were all together. We had the rest of the Lip Sync battle and it kind of woke us up a bit. Then it was followed by the very emotional goodbye talk. As in the president of USI started to cry towards the end of her speech and I fucking lost it. I couldn’t deal. Also just the idea that Pink Training was ending I was an emotional wreck leaving that lecture hall. We then went and got a group photo taken with us all in our different colour t-shirts that we were given which were made up of the colours the rainbow. We got our lunch and then decided to head off after saying a few goodbyes. We went out to the car and we were there for a bit before we actually left but in a few ways I was very happy to be heading home. We stopped for McDonalds in Mallow on the way home and I found out that I had some sort of drink Saturday night that had brandy in it and I didn’t even know. To be fair I feel like my memory of this weekend is really bad. I honestly think that I drank too much and it’s taking me far longer to remember all the little details that I usually do after a night out.

As relieved as I was to finally get home, it was still a sad time especially since there was no one in my house when I got back. Also as soon as I walked in the door all I could hear was voices inside my head. It started off with just the voices of who I was just in the car with and then it became voices of everything that happened over the weekend whether they were conversations I had been involved in or not, I could just hear all of these different voices and some I did not recognise. They started getting louder and louder and I felt like I was going to break down. All I wanted to do was hit my head and try to get my brain to shut up, but luckily I resisted. Thankfully my mom called about 45 minutes into my crisis and while I didn’t tell her what happened, it did get the voice to start to quiet down and eventually disappear.

I waited for one of my roommates to come home and talked to her for a bit before I went to bed. I slept for 11 hours. When I awoke the Monday morning I think I felt really happy. I never wake up happy unless I have plans in which I’m really excited for. I didn’t get into college until like 20 past 11. I had a really good day at college, even better than usual. I did only go to one of the three classes I had but that’s a normal Monday recently. Jodi actually went to college even though I really thought that she wouldn’t because she didn’t have to be in. We actually saw a lot of each other today which I thought was really weird because I thought that she would definitely have had enough of me after the weekend. In the smoking area I actually congratulated her on surviving the weekend with me. I brought up the fact that I was going to write this blog and she told me not to write some things in this and I respected that and told her I wouldn’t. The main reason being that all throughout Pink Training it was always said that not everyone wants what they were doing at Pink Training out on the internet because the whole point of the Training was that it was a safe space where everyone’s privacy should be respected so that’s why I kept some things out of this. Another big reason being is that she is my friend and if she really doesn’t want me to write something on here then I won’t because what good would that do anyone. It’s not like these things I would’ve have written had any relation to me. She is the only one who has the right to share them. However, she did tell me also tell me not to write about our fight because it would just make her cry, and that’s the only thing I said no to her on. That fight was all my fault. It was me being a complete bitch. This is part of my therapy process. I can’t only deal with the good parts of the weekend, the one bad thing that happened needs to be mentioned too so that it is out of my system and I can actually move on from it because if I don’t I could overthink about it for months and really bring myself down about it.  However, today despite those post PT blues we both got on as normal and I made her laugh a lot which is always my favourite thing to do especially since the most difficult thing for me to do is to get Jodi to properly laugh out loud at something I say instead of just a giggle or something like she usually does. So she was on Facebook and a post came up about Pokemon of which she knows very little about. It was about having hope in yourself because something as useless as a Magikarp can turn into something as strong as a Gyarados. So she found this funny but didn’t fully understand it so I described Magikarp in a way I knew would make her laugh, I said “All Magikarp fucking did was flop around, he did fuck all!!” While saying that I was moving my hands like a fish would moves it’s fins when it’s out of water and flopping all around the place. I gave her a hug when she was leaving and she tried to break off that hug but because today wasn’t the best day for her I knew she needed a longer hug so I didn’t let go for a little bit after that. When she was getting her bag and going to leave she said that she did really need that hug. I honestly think that was the only long hug where it wasn’t because I was being needy, I was actually trying to do it selflessly because I think she needed it more than I did.

I have come away from Pink Training a bit confused like I was when I started college last year. I feel like I could actually be bisexual, with more preference towards women. I’d still be asexual though so like dicks still repulse me more than anything on this entire planet. So maybe I’m not really bisexual but that’s for me to continue to try and figure out. I’m really proud after coming away from Pink Training with questions because I really thought I was at the point where I was dead certain on what I identified as. That’s the thing though sexuality can be fluid so this will probably be a constant thing I question for the rest of my life but at least now, compared to a few years ago, I actually do know that there is women I’m attracted to and I know a few things about them that I’m attracted to. Pink Training is just to help me progress through this journey of sexuality.#ProgressInPink