Quiet On The Outside, Screaming On The Inside!

Then: March 4th 2017

Original Blog Title: I Constantly Feel Like An Idiot!

Never in my life have I ever felt smart enough. I have always felt like I am just stupid and that everyone else is of a much higher intelligence than I am. For the most part this has been caused by people either outright saying that I’m an idiot or laughing at any suggestions or ideas I make.

A lot of thoughts are always actively racing round my head. It’s like my brain is training for the Olympics. It tries so hard to keep up that it wears itself out very quickly, and people wonder why I stay so quiet. It’s hard to talk when you mind is busy thinking about what assignments you need to have done, what time are you going home from college,  when are you going to stand up for yourself, when are going to start applying for summer jobs, you need to worry about this friend, worry about failed conversations no matter how long ago they were, worry about never finding love and dying alone. These are thoughts that run through my head 24/7 as well as a few more depending on the day and what is going on at the time. I know everyone has all sorts of things going on in their mind and they can handle it and ignore it. I can’t ignore it. Along with every thought there is an extra positive and negative thought that stems from each one. The negative thought always trumps the positive and thus I don’t know what is supposed to be good about said thought. With all this going on in my mind, I find it very hard to focus and concentrate. Whenever I try to read a book these days I can’t help but read the first line of a paragraph and then skip straight down to the end of the paragraph because I want to get though it as fast as I can because I was a slow reader in school. I would be going onto the second page of a five page story and everyone else would nearly be finished. The thing is I would have to keep re-reading the same part a few times because I wasn’t paying attention when I read it the first time and then I wouldn’t understand where the story was going and have to start from the start all over again to try to figure out what was actually happening.

Now: February 10th 2018

I decide to look at my drafts folder to see blogs that I had started but never finished. This was my most recent one, and either I posted a separate blog that was on a similar topic to this or else I didn’t feel this was worthy to post and left the topic alone. I got in the mood to write a blog and this one from last year brings up some important points and I didn’t want it to go unread. I guess the link that I would make from that blog to what I want to talk about now is that my mind is still occupied with these and many more thoughts on a daily basis. I can’t remember the last time my brain has been silent, it gets overwhelming. Since starting my work placement and being back at college after the Christmas break, my social skills have gone to absolute shit and a lot of my thoughts now are me constantly worrying that I will never be comfortable having conversations with most people ever again. I have been a lot quieter since being back and when I do speak it is nothing of importance and a majority of the time my input is not wanted or needed.

For once it’s not the disinterest in my input that is getting to me, I’m used to that I’m not the most interesting of people. The thing that is making me very anxious and worried is that I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically incapable of having conversations with like 99.9% of people I see on a daily basis. I feel like they all think I’m being weird or maybe distant. I’ve been like this before but never has it been a massive problem like it is now and also it has never effected me as much before as it does now.  I’ve kind of stopped making jokes and I tend not to pay attention to a lot going on around me. I’m constantly walking around and ending up in the same places hoping that eventually my social skills setting in my mind with flick back to what it once was. I’ve never been great at talking to people ever but I’ve definitely been better then I am now. I feel very trapped because I can’t really have a conversation with someone about this because that’s the problem. I feel like before I can even try to communicate with anyone I have to try and see why I have this issue and how it can be resolved. Otherwise, I would just go up to people I know and say “I really want to talk to you but your busy. I want you to make me laugh but I know I can’t make you do anything. I want you to talk to me and let me listen but you won’t understand the purpose of this one sided conversation.”

I’m not much better through texting or any thing that is typed. I don’t converse very well through that medium and typically don’t have a conversation over it but I’ve been like that since I started texting. Honestly, I’ve always preferred phone calls. They are more personal. My humour is very sarcastic so it’s easier for me to be funny while talking on the phone because in a message the sarcasm could be misconstrued as me being rude or bitchy. I also feel very comforted and more relaxed hearing the other person’s voice and their laugh. It just makes me feel a lot happier. In comparison to face to face conversations, I think I actually converse better over the phone because the pressure of them looking at me is gone. I get really insecure on a constant basis and I also really dislike eye contact. I’ve been wearing a scarves almost everyday over the last few months because I feel insecure about my neck and chin area so the scarf is there to hide that and also to hide some of my face when I feel embarrassed or nervous.

I feel like I might be going through an identity crisis too because I literally hate almost all the clothes I own. I also refuse to go shopping because that would involve spending money on more clothes that I don’t care about and might never wear. Every time I have gone into a clothes shop in the last year, and a few odd times here and there before that,  I have found one thing that I really like when I go into the shop. However, in the time it takes me to finish looking around and start to making my way to the till I have talked myself out of buying that item of clothing I had initial liked and some I even loved and I just put them back and walk out of the shop. It’s worse with my mother because she will make me change my mind quicker and I just want to leave the shop immediately because there is nothing there for me. I hate clothes shopping and anytime I enter shops like Penneys or TK Maxx I always just feel really panicked and stressed for the entire time that I’m in the shop and then once I leave the shop I’m ok again. Essentially, I have no idea what my aesthetic is when it comes to my look and what I wear.

In terms of my look besides clothes, I have been wanting to get my nose pierced for like 2 or 3 years. My plan was to do it for my 20th birthday but then other things became priority money wise and now I can’t get that done. I hope that one day that will happen but I don’t know when now. While I don’t think that a piercing has the power to give me a massive confidence boost, I do think it will make me feel more like how I want to present myself to the world. Not entirely happy with my hair either, I also had plans last year to dye it and that never happened. I did cut it not too long ago but I already feel like it’s gotten too long again.

I’ve fairly distant in a lot of aspects and from a lot of people. I think the issue is that I’m too focused on trying to decipher what my thoughts are all about. I have found myself saying to people who I see very often but not talk to as much, “I missed you!” I’ve said this when I’ve seen someone’s personality and/or humour in a moment that I feel like I used to see a lot more in the past. I do feel like this is appropriate because I feel like I don’t see these sides of people as often anymore. However, maybe they’re not the problem. Maybe I don’t miss them, maybe I miss in those moments, I miss who I used to be back in past.

 

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So, I Had This Dream…

This dream has been on my mind constantly since I had it on Saturday night. Before I went to sleep that night I had just watched Saoirse Ronan’s movie ‘Ladybird’ so that influenced it a little bit.

My dream was set in a Catholic school, which isn’t too odd because I went to a Catholic secondary school and some of the settings were from my old school. There was a lot of little details in this dream that linked to that movie but nothing to do with the major plot of it. I had a dream about my ex-best friend from when I was aged 5-12. That was weird in itself and also what was weird too was that zero people from college were in my dream at all, not a single one of them. So the main part of the dream that I can still remember clearly was in our secondary school gym hall. There was something going on there and there was a few different groups on the court. I enter the gym and one of my friends from secondary school came over to me and was like “She’s over there.” From the beginning of my dream before I went to the gym, there had been something telling that I needed to go find my ex-best friend and somehow that led me to the gym of the school we graduated from 2 and a half years ago.

I guess some back story is needed a little bit before I move on. When I was younger I absolutely hated all forms of physical contact. Even among my friends and family. If a friend tried to hug me, I would push them off me fairly aggressively. They would all just laugh, it was my shtick to be this little angry human that hated hugs and everything good in the world. (Looks like not too much has changed there). The fact that they found this funny meant that I needed to keep doing it because to make them laugh was everything to me. If I didn’t push them off, I would let them hug me but I would keep my hands straight by my sides and not hug them back and wait for it to be over. It wasn’t that I was uncomfortable with them, it was that I was uncomfortable with myself and I didn’t understand the purpose of hugs. I guess I still don’t really understand their purpose but now I do like them and they make me feel a lot happier and safer which is necessary now that my mind is a constant source of sadness, fear and danger and I can’t escape that.

Anyway, with that in mind, let me get back to the dream. So I walk over to her and place my hand on her shoulder and go “Hey, how are you?” and she just says “Hey.” I kid you not I stand there for about 5 minutes with my hand still on her shoulder. She eventually says “You can either stop now and walk away or you can fully commit to this physical contact thing and fix this problem between us.” So I hug her for a while and then I think we both are really happy after that and then we start hanging out again like we used to when we were kids. Then I woke up. I was sooooooo confused when I woke up. “Why did I dream about her? What does this dream mean? I haven’t even been thinking about her recently, what is going on?” I thought to myself. So since then I have been trying to analyse this dream in the most literal sense. So maybe the reason I thought of her is because in reality I feel really alone again because I feel the need to have a best friend again, someone I can hang with all the time and be texting and talking to all the time. I also had recently been thinking about physical contact and my struggle to becoming more comfortable with it. I think it makes sense that this dream stemmed from my overthinking lately. Maybe the dream is trying to tell me that for me to be able to move forward I need to deal with what happened all those years ago when my best friend became my ex-best friend. Which, by the way, had absolutely nothing to do with hugs or physical contact. It mostly had to do with my negativity and how I couldn’t take a joke or find the same things funny or be happy about anything. I would always complain and to be honest everyone was getting sick of it. I still haven’t improved much, but since then I’ve been able to keep more things to myself in a way that’s healthier for current relationships that I have formed. I’ve also gotten more confident in making jokes and laughing at things that when I was younger I thought was too inappropriate. I was such a parent to my friend group when I was younger because I didn’t want us watching YouTube videos that were too inappropriate because I thought we were too young and I wanted to hold onto my naivety for as long as I possibly could. My friends obviously wouldn’t listen to me and hence forcing me to watch The Hangover at the age of 11 which made me feel so ill, it will forever be my least favourite movie because that’s when all the fighting between us started. I censored what I watched more than my parents ever did. I was aware of so much at a young age and chose to ignore certain things until I was older because nobody over a certain age seemed very happy and I wanted to be able to enjoy the few things that brought me happiness before adolescence and adulthood ripped that away from me.

2017: It Wasn’t The Worst, But It Wasn’t The Best!

As a whole, I don’t think that 2017 was that bad of a year. Like every year there is both moments of good and bad. I had my fair share of bad times but the good times this year made it worth it.

Before I talk about some of this years’ events in my life, I’ll reflect back on my New Year’s Resolutions for 2017

  1. Stop taking myself so seriously – I do think I improved upon this for an extent but not in a good way. I think I stopped taking myself seriously because I stopped caring about myself and what was happening to me. I just gave up fighting back for the most part because nobody took me seriously. My intention was to laugh more at myself and maybe developed a sort of confidence. However, the result was people laughing at me constantly and knocking any building confidence out of me.
  2. Focus on college – I think I did a very good job of this at the start of the year when I was in 2nd semester of 2nd year. I got two of the highest grades that I’ve ever gotten overall in modules. I was doing great, I passed my repeat that followed me on from the module I failed at the end of 2016. Even though that repeat should have made sure that I focused on everything after that. 3rd year semester 1 is where I really gave up. After the first month was over, I went into a downward spiral. I had no motivation or energy to do any of my work. I did manage to get every assignment submitted but I wasn’t happy with most of them. This semester has made me feel like a failure. Even if I somehow pass everything, I will feel like a failure.
  3. Learn to deal with being alone – I feel like I just had to suck up any feelings of loneliness or feelings like I was alone in the world because there was no other solution to this. I think I spent a lot of this year forcing myself to be alone because I started to feel extra anxious and a waste of space in any group setting. When I lived in Tralee I spent a lot of the 2nd semester up in my room when I wasn’t going out almost every Thursday night.
  4. Work on making myself feel better – I was trying to do this at the start of this year by going to the college doctor who had me on anti-depressants which didn’t help. Recently, I’ve started seeing a therapist after I got referred after I hit a very low point in October. I do think as this year has been coming to a close that I have actively worked on making myself feel better.

So I think I did a fairly good job there with attempting those resolutions but none of them were fully successful. Oh well, there’s always time to work on them in 2018!!

In terms of my mental health it went to absolute shit, which it also did last year so not much as changed their. I felt like I was fighting with others a lot more this year just as much as I was fighting with myself. It was very draining both mentally and socially. I really want to leave all that sort of stuff behind me because I hate confrontation so much it takes me a long time, if ever, to recover from it. I started cutting last year and while I took a 5 month hiatus I continued again in February about a week after my birthday. Not my finest hour. I have continued to cut myself periodically throughout all of this year with my last one only being at least a few weeks ago. Although I have no intention to do anything again, I was drying the dishes and cutlery last night and I saw the knives and thought “Maybe, just a little bit?” I didn’t do anything but I did want to. I have more self control than people give me credit for, when I’ve harmed myself things are seriously wrong because for the most part I can ignore the thoughts that are telling me to do that, the urges that want me to feel the physical pain that I deserve and to suppress the mental pain that I’m feeling at that moment in time. This year I felt like I began to bottle things up again. I stopped telling people the extent of what I’m feeling because 99% of them don’t care.  Today, New Years Eve, I felt a bit down today but just tried to ignore it. My only positive today was that I was able to smoke a little bit because my parents weren’t hear all evening. Until my father came home very drunk and being incredibly annoying. I can’t stand him when he’s like that, constantly repeating himself and not being able to think properly. Then my mother came home from work and complained about how shitty the night was. I couldn’t even ring in the new year without a heap load of negativity thrown at me just minutes before midnight. I happily would have rang in the new year on my own, but no I wanted to watch the RTÉ special on the television. So needless to say 2018 hasn’t gotten off to a great start yet but there’s a whole year of better experiences to get through yet.

I could go on and on about my mental issues this year so I guess I’ll recap some of the higher points of this year. These won’t be in any particular order just the order in which I think of them or I feel like they link. I went to my first ever Pride this year in Cork City. I wasn’t sure if I’d actually be able to go to the parade and stuff until like the day before because I was only going up to Cork to go to my first ever drag show which was to see Alyssa Edwards. The day of the drag show was fairly good. I got to explore Cork for the first time ever on my own. I knew fuck all about the city before that weekend. I also got to reconnect with one of my friends who I’ve known for most of my life but hadn’t talked to much in a long time. The night of the drag show once we got to the nightclub was a totally different story. It consisted of a lot of pushing and shoving mostly by a load of over-excited gay men but that was only the few we were around the rest of the crowd actually seemed alright. The only highlight of that night was that I was out in the smoking area and I made a friend. He came over to me wanting a cigarette and I gladly gave him one which he tried to pay me for. He then came back to me a while later when I went back out to the smoking area and asked me for another cigarette. He seemed nice. The 2nd time he stayed near me and we started talking… well typing. I learned fairly quickly that he was deaf. It was a very interesting experience but it was actually the happiest thing that happened that weekend. Overall that weekend was something I wouldn’t trade for the world but it was very overwhelming and I was not used to anything like that. So the day of Pride was all kind of up in a heap. I didn’t know what our plan was or what was happening. We walked in the parade while I was wearing my rainbow flag as a cape and had rainbow flag face paint on my cheeks. I felt so ecstatically gay and I loved it. There was a great performances on the stage where the parade ended but I was experiencing a lot of that by myself because my friend had gone home to get ready for that night where he had a show in a different nightclub to where we had been the night before. The night was fine. My friend was amazing on stage. However, I had my first ever shift that night, and it was with a guy. From all the horror stories I’ve heard of people’s first shift my definitely wasn’t bad at all. I still don’t ever want to do that again…ever. I don’t know if this was just because it was a guy, or because it was someone I don’t know and still don’t know. I have no idea what his name is and because he was so drunk he was taken out of the club by security surely after. The story in itself is funny to look back on know but it’s not something I want to relive.

I got to make my great, grand, gay return to Pink Training and since I’ve devoted an entire blog to this very recently I won’t go into too much detail about it. Definitely, it was the best part of my year. I feel like I got a little bit more confidence this year as last year had made me so much more confident than I had previously been. I had a better time this year knowing how the whole thing was running. It was also my very first time in Galway a city that I would happily return back to in a heartbeat. I told Jodi I had a crush on her and while that had been obvious for the last 2 years while I was keeping that secret she didn’t make me feel bad about any of it. Up until then, I had felt awful for having that crush at all. It was always the centre of any jokes people would be saying towards me and it made me feel like shit and I wish I had kept it to myself because having everyone know just made things harder. It made any butterflies or excitement about it get shut down immediately. While I knew that nothing would ever happen and will not ever happen, I didn’t see what was so wrong with imagining it. The worst thing was really when people brought it any interaction I had with her and making it romantic or sexual, like it got to a point where I just wanted to try and see if there was a way where I could come out as straight and put myself back in the closet and make people think that I made up that crush as a joke, just so they would shut the fuck up about it. I know this is awful, and that’s why I never did it. Think about that thought, I would have preferred to have been in the closet keeping all feelings to myself rather than have all these jokes and comments thrown about on a constant basis. I guess a lot of it was my own fault because I found them funny at the start, and always brought Jodi in conversation so it was my own fault. I never shut down any of these comments, I just kept it all to myself. As my actual crush feelings were going away and I was moving on an getting over it, people were always dragging me back and not believing that I could get over it. I’ve only been out for 2 and a half years and I’ve never really had many crushes in my life because I didn’t realise until I was 15 that I was gay. This was kind of a big deal for me for a part of the last 2 years and it felt like it was being belittled. At the end of the day, all I ever really wanted was a friend, and in maturing and realising things over the last few years I think that this crush definitely had more platonic roots to it than romantic. You can fight me on that all you like, but you don’t know how I’ve felt but I know you’ll make your assumptions and say that I’m lying. As of 2018, I want all the jokes to stop. Unless you are Jodi or I, this doesn’t concern you. I’m pretty much over this entire thing but I think I needed to go through that and have that battle of various emotions in my head over someone I was never going to be and never really want to be with in any way other than platonic. I guess I lied a little along the way and hyped it up myself more than I should have but I realise now that I was wrong and I wish I had kept my mouth shut. I’m sorry if it seems weird that I wrote such a long rant about this in a review of 2017, but I just want to stop feeling shitty about having feelings.

Now that I’ve ranted about that for most of this blog, I’ve completely forgotten what it was I actually wanted to talk about for the rest of this. I like 2017. It was cool. I’ve had some memories that I will never forget. This year was extremely frustrating though and I wanted to give up so many times and give up on so many things. Luckily, thanks to the help of a few people I didn’t.  So thank you to those people for helping me to keep going and making it to the new year. In particularly, the Students Union had been a massive help this year since about August, the time of my repeat, and throughout the last few months which were incredibly difficult and I don’t know where I would be without them.

This is usually where I would write my New Years Resolutions but I don’t know if I really want to write anything new for this year. There are a few little things but I think it’s mostly just sticking with the resolutions I made last year and try to keep improving myself. Let’s hope 2018 is less frustrating and filled with more excitement instead of anxiety!

Pink Training ’17 And My “Secret” Crush Is Revealed!!

I’m still on such a positive high even after coming home from the most amazing weekend that I’ve probably ever had. It’s hard to put into words how wonderful this weekend has been but either way I’m going to try!

Let’s start with my arrival in Galway, a place I had never been before. The city and the hostel that we stayed in were great and I can’t wait for the next time I get to back there which I have no idea when that will be. My delegation arrived to NUIG early so we had time to relax and register before most of the other colleges arrived. As a delegation, we went to the Sult bar and had a drink. I think the best thing about this though is that it was a good bonding session for us ahead of the weekend. I just loved how decorated the campus was for Christmas and it just made me love NUIG so much that I would actually consider transferring to there.

Next, we all split up and headed into our icebreakers which I was quite nervous about because I never liked it last year. However, I had such a good time and talked to so many people from different colleges which really helped make the weekend more comfortable socially for me for the rest of the weekend. Our facilitator for our icebreaker was lovely and great so I think that helped it a bit. Leading on from that then was the opening speeches and the Lip Sync Battle. I was so happy to see such amazing lip syncs especially since this is only the 2nd time they’ve ran this event at Pink Training.  We then went out and had a good time, the highlight of it being learning how to say “YAAAASSS Queen” in Sign Language. We were all kind of taking it easy drink wise because we wanted to being alert and not too tired for attending all the workshops on Saturday. To be fair, we actually were fine and made it into the college on time for the plenary talk at half 9 on Saturday morning.

So every year, the first of the workshops starts with having Coming Out Spaces for the various sexual orientations and gender identities, as well as a talk for allies to support someone who is coming out. I never went to them last year but I wanted to make the most out of my Pink Training experience this year.  This year it wasn’t necessarily specified as to what each space was to be representing but in the context of the whole I went to what I would consider the Bisexual Coming Out Space. This set up my whole weekend and I heard stories that made me feel empowered to fight against the likes of bi-phobia, even though I don’t identify as bi myself I feel so much more comfortable in bi spaces sometimes because as someone who identifies as asexual we also face similar phobic behaviour from people. I went to it with a member of my delegation who does identify as bi and she told her coming out story and that’s changed a bit of a perspective, don’t know if that’s the word I’m looking for, on my own situation. This being because, I’ve had a crush on her for well over a year and a half and her story made me feel liberated to tell her that about my crush, which I did that night before we went out, but I’ll come back to that later.

This got even better as I moved onto my next workshop which was ‘Too Gay To Function’. The two speakers we had for that were unreal. The whole workshop was extremely interactive and I learned so much in the way of positive coping mechanisms for stress and also I learned about the phrase ‘minority stress’ which I constantly have about every aspect of my life so while I was aware of it, I didn’t know what it was called. One of the ways we found to be a positive coping mechanism was through group chants. We banged our hands on the table to create a beat and then some said a word that we would then shout out a few times and then change to a new word. The one that will stick out the most in my mind was yelling out the word ‘penis’ a couple of times.

I then went to ‘There’s Something Queer Around Here’,  in which we heard about the first times people had heard the word queer and the context in which it was used.  I found it interesting but I think it was very drawn out because there was a lot of us in the room giving a lot of similar answers and that took up most of the workshop. While it was important to hear, it just seemed very long.

Next, I went to another bisexual workshop again because I’m all for fighting against bi erasure which is prominent both in and outside of the LGBTQIA+ community. It was called ‘What Does Bisexual Politics Look Like?’ We did a bit of a game where we had to pick answers to questions and it was multiple choice but the answers were all bisexual stereotypes and intended to sound ridiculous. We then wrote a bi agenda as a group which felt extremely necessary to create and it ended up really well.

Now, this next talk is one that is close to my heart and I missed this talk last year so I’ve been waiting so long for this it’s unreal. It was ‘Asexuality 101’ and I wouldn’t necessarily say I learned something in it but that was never my reason for attending it because I know a lot about the topic anyways. My reason to go to it was to finally feel the acceptance that my sexuality is valid and is real because up until that talk I didn’t have that. I usually just tell people I’m a lesbian because saying I’m a homo-romantic asexual takes too long to explain and no one believes it exists. I also like the fact that this workshop informed so many people about what asexuality is when beforehand they hadn’t previously known much about it. I think it made it more interesting that I was there with my friend from my delegation was there and watching her learn about these different terms and asking questions that she easily could have asked me but never did. Either way her learning about this no matter where it’s from is so important. Of all the talks she could have gone to I was so happy that she decided to go to that one.

After that wonderful workshop, I went to ‘Feelin’ Repealin” which was being given by someone who has been the main reason I am so involved in all things to do with the student movement and the SU in my college. I always feel the need to go to any talk that is in relation to Repeal the 8th because while I know a lot about it I’m always trying to be very careful with how I word things if I get asked about it and why I want the 8th repealed. The workshop helped a lot and I got some great merch from it. I feel a little bit more confident in answering questions in relation to Repeal the 8th.

Last, but certainly not least, I went to a workshop on Consent. This was really was also really interactive. I felt like I was in a good space, however when in came to the group stuff I didn’t really give any input I just sat there and listened which is always a lot more beneficial to me anyway in workshops like this where I only know definitions and such but not the actual actions of consent. I always thought consent had to be verbal but I learned about some of the non-verbal ways in which consent can be given. After that we had talks from Microsoft and from activists that were so empowering and amazing.

I’m going to move onto the Sunday and then I’ll come back to Saturday night. So we missed the talk in the morning because we got the campus a little bit after the workshops had started so other than like learning about queer history and hearing the closing speeches in the plenary, I was only at one workshop. I went to the ‘Asexual Safe Space’ which I think was kind of necessary to go to because I’ve never felt like my identity as an asexual has ever been truly accepted and/or acknowledged and it was important that I got that seeing as it is a major part of my identity. There was only 4 of us in the room, including me, and while there was one or two awkward pauses because we didn’t know what to say I think it was a good session. I shared my story about my news from Saturday night which I’m going to refer to as my ‘Pink Training Coming Out’, because I told my friend I have a crush on her. I also shared my story about how my Nan once jokingly asked was my female friend that I was texting my girlfriend and when I told her no, she said “Well, either way it wouldn’t matter if she was!”. That got a collective awe in the room and it’s really the only time I’ve been told that by my family, which I guess is fair enough since I’ve never come out to them.

Now I’ll talk about Saturday night, kind of, it’s more so going to be about me telling my friend I have a crush on her and how now after Pink Training this is going to affect me. So the two of us went out for a cigarette and if you’ve read my blogs before I’ve have a pseudonym I’ve used for her which is Jodi, and to make this whole thing easier to write I will be referring to her as that. So we were outside having a smoke and I said to her than when we get back to Tralee that I wanted to talk to her about something and that it was a secret I was keeping from her for almost 2 years. She asked me if I was comfortable sharing it at that moment while we were outside and since it was just the two of us I decided that I would tell her. I didn’t want to leave Pink Training really without telling her because I was worried that I would lose all that confidence and liberation that I felt from being there. I said “So for the last year and a half, well a bit more than that, I’ve had a crush on you.” I already knew that she knew because I would talk about her all the time to practically anyone who would listen so everyone our mutual friends knew but I had never made it known  to her myself. My main fear was that she would be like “Yeah I already knew that, and I don’t care. But now that you’ve told me we never have to talk about it again!” I was also scared that it would ruin our friendship and she’d find it weird. Luckily, that didn’t happen which I should have known because that’s not the kind of person she is. Instead she said that she was happy I told her and was really nice and cool about it. Towards the end of the night when we were all just kind of hanging around near the Christmas markets in our group outside the pub she did something which was really cute and I wish it happened when I was more sober so I could remember it better. She came over to me and gave me a really long hug, and said something which might sound made up but I do have a good memory and I do remember some of what she actually said. She said “I love you and you have all my heart.” Which at the time I didn’t really pay attention to the second part and responded with “I love you too, and I don’t say that to anyone ever!!” She said “I know and I do feel privileged about that”.  Also she rang me on Sunday morning to say she wouldn’t be into the talks until later and instead of saying hi she said “Sandra Moynihan, queen of the gays and queen of my heart, how are ya?” If there was ever I time I couldn’t cope with her, it was this weekend.

I had a talk with her today to kind of discuss the whole crush thing a bit more. I didn’t want to do it at Pink Training because I wanted to be sober and have a conversation that wasn’t going to be interrupted. I explained some of the struggles I’ve had to coming to terms with this crush when I realized that I had it, how it was sometimes the root to a few of my problems and left me feeling very down and unlovable. Sometimes those dark days would make me feel so bad that I had done things to myself that I since regret. Although she knew I had a crush on her, in the first few months of it when the obsession was real, I was doing things that she probably wasn’t aware had any link to that. She had a crush on someone about a year ago and was getting quite close to them and I was so angry but only to a minor degree was due to jealousy. I was angry because she wasn’t being treated well and it was making her upset which I really hated to see. In turn, that probably added to the jealousy a little because in my mind I was like “Why does she like someone like that? I wouldn’t treat her like that! What’s wrong with me?” I do know now that you can’t help who you fall in love with, the only thing you can do is decide how you’re going deal with it. I’ve always had a past of skipping meals, but this wasn’t always intentional, but when it was it was usually because I was feeling extra fat and wanted to lose weight but this method of skipping meals doesn’t help with changing anything much. I thought maybe if I was skinnier she might like me. That was the first thing I tried to change, but this only lasted for a few months.I also used to try and wear makeup on days I knew I’d be seeing her. I think I also tried changing how I would react to her. Up until I started trying to change myself, I would always laugh at every little joke she said because I either found it genuinely funny or a little stupid. I tried not to laugh as much because that’s doesn’t seem cool and it’s not appealing. I don’t really know what I hoped to achieve by doing this but it didn’t make me happy because I like laughing. I eventually got over that and now we are just constantly laughing all the time because we’re both just happy idiots with a sometimes stupid sense of humour. Something else I regret, and I will regret it for the rest of my life no matter what, is when I let my jealousy and pent up feelings get the better of me and I actually got angry at her. I couldn’t give her a reason for why I was angry without giving my crush away so it made it a lot worse. I think she thought I hated her and I was really giving out to her, I turned into a monster for a few minutes. I made her cry. I really upset her and while I can deal with the fact that it’s all over and every time now I re-apologize for it she says it’s grand and we’re past that, I will never ever forgive myself for it. That was the beginning of a downward spiral in which I was bottling up a lot of feelings in order to make sure that I never did that to her again, and thankfully I haven’t. This downward spiral is only starting to ease now and I’ll be starting talk therapy sessions soon with a medical professional so I’ll be talking about this a lot more and hopefully getting some ways to cope with it and get better. That’s not the only reason I’m getting therapy but it should be beneficial to dealing with this better on a long term basis. I know for the most part this crush thing sounds like it’s been a lot more bad than good, however, there are a lot of good things that it’s done as well. While never in these last two years I ever expected, or ever really wanted, a relationship to come out of this I liked the idea that in some alternative universe if it happened how amazing it could be. As unrealistic an idea as it was, it was always something that made me feel happy for a little while but I know I can’t keep living my life in the wonderful world of dreams. The main thing is that no matter what our friendship has never changed and only has gotten better as time has gone on. As someone who experiences a lot of social anxiety she’s always been able to make me feel at ease and I’ve always felt like I could talk to her about anything. She listens to me rant about everything on a daily basis, when everything sucks and I feel like everyone would be living a better life if I just ended mine, she reminds that I do have a purpose in life and that I am loved by her and so many people. She makes me laugh all the time and she makes me feel like I am funny which is my main goal in life and making her laugh is just a plus and makes me really happy too!

So it might be a while before I get over this, that’s if I ever actually do. I value our friendship more than anything else so I would never try and push anything further. Unfortunately unlike ‘Lush Life’, while this is a crush and I might have went and said too much, I haven’t given it up!! I’m going to end this with two final things and in the gayest way I know how. Jodi, I love you and I think you’re perfect!!!

World Mental Health Day 2017

So I wrote a blog about this two years ago when I was less than a month into my first year of college and before I go on I’d suggest that you read that first because it’s quite interesting!
https://sandramoynihan.wordpress.com/2015/10/10/mental-illness-take-4world-mental-health-day/

In the two years that have passed since then a lot of things have changed in my life. I know not only just have friends, I have a plethora of friends something which upon entering college didn’t seem possible. Although in that blog I do talk about my first real college memory. It was the first time I felt like I was part of a group. I didn’t feel too much like a tag along and I had one of the best days ever. The day that the college experienced a power cut is one of the most vivid memories I have at college. The amazing thing about thinking back to that memory is that I didn’t know then how much some of those people would impact my life, and impact it for the better. Like Dexter was the one who invited me to go with the group, he was sitting at the table with my classmate and I. We went back to his house afterwards with Jodi and, I think this is the name I gave him, Tab. I laughed so much that day I actually nearly pissed myself. I loved it and I’m so glad I have that memory of when friendships were just starting to form. 

The difference is that now, while those friendships are still there and still strong, I think, I seem to be on a mission of self sabotage and am trying to make a mess of things. For the last two week and a half weeks, which has been the aftermath of me going to the doctor, my mental health has been good and on some days even amazing. The few weeks leading up to that doctors appointment I was awful. I started cutting again, well cutting my arm again I was cutting my leg all summer long. I realised at some point just before I cut my arm the last time, which required a bandage, that I went back to cutting my arm because I wanted attention. When I say that I more so mean, a cry for help. I wanted people, or at least certain people because I always seem very particular about who I want to know about these things, to see that I was struggling. I was having a hard time and I needed support. Which I did get and am so thankful that I have that support, even if this week it might not seem like. Before the bandage incident, I had been discussing my mental health with the Welfare Officer and we had a walk and a chat which was lovely. She organised another one for the following week, which I was excited about because I thought it would be a regular thing which would have been great. Totally my fault that that stopped because said bandage incident happened and our chat got changed to her accompanying me to the nurse because I wanted her there with me. Then the following week I went to the doctor on my own, told her how that went and that was that. To be fair, I see her everyday and god knows after 2 years she’s sick to death of me and my constant mood swings and low self esteem. The reasons however that I wish this walk and chat, or just sit and chat because I do enough walking, was regular is that it’s something for me to look forward too. Again, I see her everyday I know but there is some things I don’t want to talk to her about when there’s loads of people around her. I guess I kind of miss how we used to hangout in the radio studio in the evenings and a have a laugh (why I am crying right now, I haven’t cried for weeks and weeks and yet just thinking about this gets me teary eyed in an instant). So that reason is from a friendship point of view. From a personal, probably selfish point of view, I just want to be noticed. Not just a nod in the hallways or part of a big group conversation, I want to talk to someone one on one to remind myself that I am an individual. I sometimes forget that I am my own person I just feel like there is an invisible tether between me and groups of friends that doesn’t let me stray too far from the pack. Any ways, I just want someone to acknowledge that I’m here and when they ask about my day/week that they actually want to know the answer and will listen to the few little things that happened. To be fair I have that person/persons to an extent. The extent tends to be limited by me because I’m afraid to start the conversation. Especially since I’m not a fan of texting and messenger as its not personal enough, how do I know a robot is contriving these responses through my online presence and what I’ve posted to the Internet in the last 9 years. I love phone calls its just personal enough where I can hear the persons voice but we don’t have to look at each other i.e. They won’t be watching me will I fidget with something and avoid eye contact with them. 

It might seem like a need I therapist and I probably do, but there is other things I need too and it is those very simple conversations that might seem insignificant to someone but mean the world to me. This week I’ve just been trying to avoid people altogether, I just felt really angry all day yesterday so I know if I came into contact with most people I would just yell  at them for no reason because I was filled with so much anger. I had to get Dexter to come out of the 4th year project room because the main thing I needed more than anything was a hug, and I knew he wasn’t going to judge me for wanting a hug which from primary school experiences I still feel like people will judge me for wanting a hug. I don’t want to build his ego up, like I tend to do whenever I mention him in these blogs, but I don’t think I give him enough credit for how much he helps me. He said to me yesterday that I need to trust people and that not everybody has some malicious hidden agenda where they’re intent on hurting me, some people are just genuinely caring/looking out for me. I think he’s the only person that I could confide in completely and not fear that he’ll judge me or think I’m weird in a bad way. He’s been the best friend I’ve made in this college and I wouldn’t have made it to 3rd year without him. Ok sentiment is over, he’s not on placement anymore so I can actually talk to him in person again, not that I’d say all this to him in person though!

Should I Tell My Parents About My Ongoing Mental Health Problems?

This isn’t a question in which I want your answer. I know what you’re going to say. You are going to say that I should tell them because it’s better to be open and honest about these things otherwise I’m bottling things in and keeping secrets from them. However, my answer would be no, I shouldn’t tell them. I feel very strongly about this and while no one is forcing me to tell them or telling me that I have to do it, I feel like there is a strong sense of annoyance/confusion as to why I won’t tell them.

My relationship with my parents has changed a lot throughout the years and the main thing I have learned is that they won’t find things funny the way I do and they have concerns over certain things I do. I get it. They care about me, they only want what’s best for me and all that shite. I used to tell my parents everything. Everything that happened at school. Every conversation I had with my friends. Every fight and confrontation I had. Everything I was feeling. I reckon I stopped doing this when I was in around 2nd year of secondary school so like 5/6 years ago. Sometimes they would be supportive and helpful and I might even feel better. However, a majority of the time anything that happened to me was my fault. When my friends left me, at the end of first year because they realised they didn’t like me anymore, I got zero sympathy from my parents in the beginning. That was the point in time in which I was most upset about the situation. They kept asking me what I did wrong. They kept saying is was up to me to fix it and I should try really hard to make things right. They couldn’t wrap their heads around the fact that I did nothing wrong. My friends and I just grew apart and we all knew that nothing was going to fix that. That event in my life has shaped a lot about how I am as a person now. How I handle and portray my emotions is always linked to that. The fact that I have the constant fear of that happening again. The fact that I do things that would actually now give someone the reason to leave me because I push people away because I don’t want to be hurt again.

When they finally began to accept that my friends were now gone out of my life and I was left with no one they started to go a little easier on me. I wasn’t blamed as much. Anytime I went to school, and still to this day , they would ask me “So, who were hanging out with in school today?” During that time and for the following few years the answer would either be no one, which they disliked because they want me becoming the loner which I did become, or else I would have actually been with people in my class that I got on with but never really connected with to a great extent. The second one made them happier because their child was normal, their child had friends or at least friends according to my parents. It was that point on that I went through my angst ridden teenage stage of “my parents just don’t understand me”. Which I still feel like they don’t but I pick and choose now what I tell them about. For me, this is a lot easier. If I did tell them everything that has been going on, I would be riddled with questions especially by my mother. My mother wrecks my head enough as is, I don’t need that getting any worse. She has this ability of making me feel really bad even when I’m having the best day. Either by giving out to me for some reason or another, or else telling me all the little things I need to do that have no real purpose. Practically all the reasons I don’t want to tell my parents about any of this relate to my mother because she’s the one that would just make this all a lot worse.

With that in mind, another reason as to why I don’t want to tell them is, their perceptions of mental health. My mother always says things whenever that topic comes up being like “Well thank god you and your brother don’t have any problems like that.” I’m pretty sure one of the times she said this she also then said “I don’t know how we’d cope” as in how they would cope with my brother or I having problems. As if, the burden is on them and they are the ones dealing with a mind of chaos and sadness. Anytime I have told my mother about any friends I have that have gone through things, she always have a judging look on her face and I think has questioned the odd time whether they are a good person for me to be hanging around with because what if it rubs off on me. What if I get infected by the treacherous depression virus or self-harmitis. I’ve definitely been told a few times to be careful around said people and to yes be there for them and support them but not to any massive capacity. I think my mother’s logic when is comes to this is that if someone’s mental health is bad they’re going to be that way forever so there’s not much help you can be to someone.

Even when I do nothing wrong I can still get in trouble. If I get home on the late bus from college I can get in trouble. I’m sorry I’m focused on my education, I’m sorry I can’t get a job to support myself, I’m sorry if I’m tired when I get home and are less than talkative. I have a life to live and I shouldn’t have to follow a set of guidelines that my parents have set for me. I’m sorry I can’t pass every exam I ever do. I’m sorry that I’m a disappointment and not going to go on to become some scientist or science lecturer in the years to come like my brother probably will as he will soon be starting his PhD. I’m sorry I chose a course that has no definite promise of a job at the end. I’m sorry I don’t have a passion for anything. I’m sorry I’d rather spend some nights with my friends instead of you. I’m sorry I want to live a life that is mine. I’m sorry that I’m me and I’m not more like this girl or this daughter of one of your friends who is going off right now to do great things. I’m sorry I want to write and probably not make money for a good couple of years if that is the career path I choose to take. I’m sorry I want to be so involved in the student movement. I don’t want to feel sorry for having bad mental health yes part of it is my own fault but not entirely. It’s been effected by an accumulation of events and moments from the last 19 years. I don’t want to feel sorry for trying to get help on my own with your permission. You just would have forced me to go see your doctor who I have never met and have no intention of meeting.

If I told my parents what’s wrong with me, I think my home would feel like a prison. They wouldn’t know what to do with me so they probably would be very cautious about where they would let me go and would probably make sure I was supervised at all times. I already feel trapped in this house at times, I don’t want that to get worse. They might stop me from seeing certain people because they might have influenced my bad mental health either because of their own struggles or else for no reason at all. You might wonder how they could control all these things but believe me they would find a way.

This whole thing might sound confusing and not make sense to anyone. This could be just one long ramble of nothingness but I feel like it makes enough sense and I can’t change how I feel about this and I don’t think anyone can talk me into changing my mind. If I do ever tell them it will be in my own time which probably will be another few years away yet. While I might not be the best one to make this judgment because I’m biased and want to assure people that this isn’t a problem, me not telling my parents about this stuff is actually better for my mental health. You might not think it does but maybe I’m just a pro at hiding things. I do it everyday! I don’t have the energy right now to stand my ground and defend MY feelings and MY emotions to my parents. They would try to fight me on it in some way and I just can’t have that in my life right now because it will just make things worse. I’d appreciate anyone who decided to read this not to fight me on this either. I don’t mind if you ask me if I’ve told them, but please don’t tell me that I should tell them at least not more than once. If you’ve made your point once, I have heard it, I don’t block these things out and I have a good memory. I will remember what you told me. I know you are saying it because you think I will benefit from it but please hear me out when I tell you that I won’t.

Should I Give Up?

Now most people are going to see that title and think that I mean giving up on life and while they won’t be entirely wrong that is not the main point of this it is only a result shortly after giving up. I have zero motivation for anything this entire summer. My parents have been yelling at me to get a job and to no ones surprise I never got one again this year. My parents thought I wasn’t trying hard enough despite making me go into town handing out CVs every few days. I did hand them out to a lot of places and I applied for a lot of jobs online yet I still got nothing. The ultimate reason as to why is because my CV is terrible and I have very little experience in anything because I’ve never had a job before. So that lead to my parents yelling at me more and seeming disappointed in me. I don’t care if they’re disappointed, I’m not trying to impress them. However, all the feelings towards me not getting a job makes me feel awful. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel unwanted by the world. I can’t escape my parents anger towards me because I live at home and will be living at home for the foreseeable future. 

I guess it also doesn’t help that it is summer and for the most part I don’t talk to anyone outside my home. On the days when I would go to town, I would try my best to stay there for a long time to avoid going home. When I would get home the first thing that was always said to me was “Any luck?” I would say no and they would scowl. I don’t know what they were expecting, that I would get offered a job right there on the spot? It’s not like I have anyone around reassuring me that there is things I’m good at and not to worry. I don’t even know if I’m good at  anything. I can’t get even get a normal everyday job what’s going to happen when I’m trying to get work placement for January. I don’t even excel at anything in relation to my course, what the hell am I supposed to go for? There is a lot of things I like but someone is going to have their two cents and say that I have no chance and I won’t keep up that I don’t even know how to do certain things. I know a lot more than everyone thinks the only module I failed was tough on a lot of people. Still is tough on my as I struggle though the repeat. I have ideas about the topic I want but I can’t think of how I’m going to translate that into what I’m being asked for. It’s bringing me down a lot and my parents don’t understand what it is about. Everyday that I’ve been working on it they ask “Have you gotten much done?” I’m still on a research stage which is vital for my marks so it just consists of me googling  some things trying to figure out if I can base my project on that topic. Also I’ve only really been doing work on my project since Thursday because my parents have finally stopped badgering me about getting a job and are letting me try to work towards getting back into college which is the only thing I have worth living for. Even that isn’t enough motivation sometimes. I love everything about college but the end of 2nd year made me feel like shit like no one really wants me back so maybe I would be doing everyone a favour by giving up. 

I have zero motivation and I don’t even think anyone would try to help motivate me if I asked. I would expect them to say something along the lines of “Well if you don’t have the motivation don’t try to force it. Maybe you’d be better off out of college?” As open as appear to be about most things there is till a lot I don’t tell people. Like how down I really feel, the fact that I’ve gone a few extra days without showering because what’s the point it’s not like I’m leaving the house and how much I really want to talk to people despite the fact that I don’t communicate well via texting or messenger. I would call them but you know people are leading their busy life’s because they actually have jobs. Besides, they probably need a break from me anyhow hence another reason why I don’t message people much even if I really want to. I guess my main problem is I haven’t been doing much so my only topics of conversations are RuPaul’s Drag Race,Love Island and that I’m very slowly getting through Game of Thrones because it takes too much focus than I can fathom to watch it. 

I was reading a blog that I wrote about a friend who will be back in college for the first time since December, and it made me a bit happier having that in mind that I get to see him again and that I’ll have someone who’s always had my back with me again. So maybe for now that’s a good enough reason to keep going and to not give up because I’ll have that support back that has been a bit lacking in the last few months. 

13 Reasons Why!!

I have never related so much to something. It is giving me both an exhilarating and a scared feeling. I mean I’m glad I found something that really gets it. Imagine how different my life could have been if I knew the book existed. The book came out 10 years ago. I have been suicidal for 10 years, maybe the book could have helped me. I’d have been able to see how much an effect a suicide can have on the lives of others and how there is a future. 10 years ago I definitely could have committed suicide and thought of 13 Reasons as to Why I did it. Up until I started college I could have done that. College changed everything. At least it did for a while. These suicidal tendencies don’t always go away completely. They are really dark, feelings that just can’t be gotten rid of. Anytime my life goes to shit or people treat me like shit I think about how much I wish it was all over. Mostly I’m fine. Mostly I either feel nothing or I feel everything. Oh the joys of being a bundle of depression and anxiety. I just get tired of everything or else sad for no reason. In those moments, it’s all stuff going on in my head and it’s my fault. That stuff I can handle. I can’t handle other people making me feel that way or making me feel paranoid. Since I was 9 years old, I have been made feel like an outsider. I have been ignored, not appreciated, undermined, and casually bullied. I say casually bullied because apparently statements that are said to you that might not necessarily mean sounding don’t count as bullying no matter how much they effect the victim. I was scared. I lost all trust in people and it takes a very long process for me to trust someone now and if that gets broken it won’t get repaired. I just believed that everyone was fake. Nobody really cared. When I was bullied in primary school it was emotionally manipulative. The bullies would always be like “Hi Sandra, how are you? Oh you’re good, that’s good! Listen I forgot to bring something in so can I borrow yours? I swear I’ll give it back just trust me. Aw thanks so much!!!” They would get in my face a bit and sometimes 3 or 4 of them would approach me at the same time. I didn’t have a choice really. If they wanted to “borrow” something that was mine I wasn’t allowed to say no. If I did they would just go up to the teacher and say that I’m not sharing. Of course one of the main things they aim to teach you in primary school is sharing because that’s caring and if you’re not sharing then you might as well pack your bags for your trip to hell or wherever all the bold children go. I grew up not being allowed to say no. I was afraid to say no. I got scared of being in trouble. I still find it hard to say no. As much as my mental illnesses are my problems and I can’t really play the blame game here, I think my childhood experiences should at least be some bit accredited to why I got so messed up.

I got made fun of for being too “boyish”. “What are you a boy?” I answered that question and said “You know sometimes I wish I was!” I said that for the plain and simple reason that I knew if I was a boy I wouldn’t be treated the way I was. I would have been respected, and allowed to play soccer at lunch with the boys and actually be part of a team instead of trying to fight for the ball and become a one woman team to prove that I could play. However when I said I’d rather be a boy, they used that as further fuel for the fire. They would just laugh. And laugh. And laugh. I’ve had to train myself to be ok to be around people when their laughing. For the last few years, I’ve wanted to be a comedian and make people laugh because everyone should be happy and I wouldn’t wish my shitty experiences on anyone. However, because of the years of being laughed at I got really insecure. Every laugh I heard even if it was really far away or obviously directed at something else, I felt it was directed at me. I’ve run to the bathroom on numerous occasions when I felt like a group of people were pointing a laughing at me in their little group of friends. Why else would they be laughing? It had to be me, surely they weren’t making jokes that were unrelated to me?

It was also 10 years ago that I became self-conscious about my weight. I can say this now because I’ve had a lot of weight issues and fluctuations, that I was tiny when I was 9. I was still skinny I had no bit of fat on me whatsoever, expect maybe in my face and I’m still trying to get rid of that. I got fat when I was going into secondary school, and the fact that I cycled to school I was heavier than almost every girl in my entire school, I was a big fat target for abuse.My massive school bag didn’t help with that either. I thought going to an all girls secondary school would give me freedom from the ridicule that boys had against me but alas that was not to be as my school was right next to the boys and the mixed secondary schools.  I got laughed at, mocked, yelled at, pelted with pebbles, and blocked from entering my estate. I got mocked so much one day when I was in 5th year that I started crying and when the guys who mocked me realised this, they got a bit quieter but still kind of laughed it off because they didn’t know how to react to the fact that their words had an effect on me. I was blinded by tears but kept cycling away because how could I stop when they were all still around. It’s really dangerous to cycle a bike, especially on a road with moving cars, when you can’t see. I didn’t care though I just wanted to get home as fast as I could and shut myself away in my room. As soon as I got into 5th year and my class room was located out in the prefab that no one ever checks in the evenings, I stayed behind at least half an hour before making an attempt to go home. I waited so that all the boys from the other schools were pretty much all gone home. I spent the last two years of secondary school hiding and trying to make myself as invisible as possible. I’ve fallen off my bike a few times cycling home from school and not once could those lads give any bit of sympathy. I could hear the roars of laughter coming from across the road. I was in first or second year when the worst fall happened. I was cycling up onto the footpath but the bike didn’t make it up on the curb and I fell onto the footpath after going at a bit of a speed and my massive school bag got flung over my head and pulled me down even harder and faster. Surprisingly enough I didn’t break my neck. I didn’t even really get that injured a few bruises on my body, and because of the laughter, a huge scar across my heart.

I hope this makes it somewhat easier to understand why I sometimes think about people in the way I do. Reasons I think that no one cares because no one ever really did. Back to the show, anyone who seemed like they might care were just like Clay, they knew what was happening and just stood on the sidelines not wanting to get involved or say anything. I’m glad I am past the worst of it. Anything I’ve been feeling since I started college are the after effects and repercussions of that life that I was forced to battle through. I’m glad I did. It was worth all the fighting. It was worth all the scars both external and internal. I feel like I’ve found my group of people. People who care about me. People who love me, even though they don’t admit it because they’re too cool/awkward to express certain emotions.  13 Reasons Why, made me remember all those events I was trying to forget. I’m happy that it reminded me because comparing those years to the present day it so motivating. If I can go from that horrible time with people who treated me like I was a voodoo doll trying to see how many pins they could stick in me before they stabbed every bit of my heart. I honestly think they wanted me to kill myself. I definitely said it at one point out of frustration at them and they didn’t really care they said stuff like “Yeah well I’d like to see you try.” They also would just shrug it off and be like “Yeah right, sure you will”. Even as a young impressionable child, I was mature and intelligent in everything that I did. I knew that if I did do something to myself that it wouldn’t change anything, except for the fact that I wouldn’t have to listen to them anymore which was nearly enough motivation for me to do it but if I was going to make such a big decision like that I wanted it to be for me, not for them. I didn’t want them to get the satisfaction that they were finally rid of me. I stuck around to annoy them because no matter what I did, they never liked me. Nobody thought they were doing anything wrong, even my friends agreed with them most of the time. I just needed to shut up because they “weren’t actually being mean at all”. I was just taking everything the wrong way and they were “obviously joking”.

At least I don’t have that anymore. I have people who care and I couldn’t be happier with the support system that I’ve developed in the past year and a half. With every smile and every hug I get from any of them I am so thankful that I stuck around and I know that I can’t leave now because why would I want to end this bliss that is my social life. It took me so long to get a social life and honestly it was worth the wait. I am loved. I’ve always wanted that and I never thought it would happen. It makes me so happy sometimes when I really start thinking about it. They like me, they really like me.

I Just Feel So Angry, All The Time.

Like I said in my last blog, I needed a break for a while. The break has helped me with dealing with people in a calm manner. However, I am just as angry as ever. The time off did not actually make me any more calm about the situations in fact I think I have gotten angrier about everything over the last week. I feel like I’m in secondary school again. I am paranoid. I feel like everyone is just looking at me thinking that my arguments are crazy as if I have no right to be angry about everything. I’ve started doubting myself, maybe I am wrong. Maybe they’re right, I am just an idiot. I am actually a bitch who knows nothing about her own sexual orientation and I’ve just been lying to myself for years. You know what I’m actually bisexual and find more than one gender sexually attractive. Now that’s where I would be lying to myself. Even typing that line felt wrong and uncomfortable. I ruled out men a long time ago, I know I don’t like them. If people could just understand that maybe we could all get on again like we used to do and bake a cake out of sunshine and rainbows and all that crap. As for the sexual attraction, I must say that asexuality is a very broad term, so also telling me that I’m definitely not that because my definition for it is a little different to yours is also not right. I am getting really sick of have to fight for the right use the label asexual as part of my identity. I’m thinking of dropping it all together. I’m either trying to fight for the validation that it is a real thing or I’m fighting someone to prove that I actually do identify (in part, I might admit) as asexual. Yes I do admit that it’s not at the core of my identification but it’s still there, but I guess I should just start letting go of it even though it’s the only thing I was sure about when I came out 2 years ago. From now on I won’t elaborate. Why don’t we just play spin the LGBT+ spectrum see what sexual orientation you will assign me this week and make me just go with it.

I’ve been at my wit’s end the last week. I’ve been so frustrated and angry that I haven’t been doing any work for college. I’m been so tired during the day and having trouble trying to get to sleep at night. I missed all my classes on Tuesday and Thursday because I didn’t have the energy to get up on time. To be fair I was practically dead on Thursday after the college ball, which I will discuss later on in this blog. I’ve felt like I’ve been walking around in my own little bubble that everyone is avoiding to go near. I’ve felt like I’m being ignored/ I feel invisible. Going back to what I said above, I feel like I’m in secondary school. Walking around by myself, feeling like I’m in the way or intruding on other people’s lives. I feel like everyone is giving me death stares and purposely avoiding me as best they can. I know it’s really all in my head but I don’t know I just feel lost. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I need to be doing. Well except for the fact that I have a one minute film due on Wednesday and I have yet to film it. I feel like I should be crying or ripping my hair out but instead I’m just refusing to get out of bed until late in the day and eating one and a half meals a day. I mean I uploaded a 15 minute long rant on Facebook on Friday at around 1am discussing everything that was going on in my head. It was just a black screen so the only focus was on my voice and what I was saying. I was just lying down in bed and just spewed a load of nonsense about how I feel like a loser and an idiot and it’s mostly attributed to everyone else making me feel that way. Yes I am playing the blame game a lot recently but I was doing good there for ages. I was actually doing really good, I hate that I’ve gotten bad again. I try so hard to stay good but it’s so difficult to do when everyone is putting you down. They might think they’re being funny but there is only so much negativity you can put towards someone before the joking around becomes putting someone down. I feel like my mind has turned into a minefield. I need to bite my tongue to make sure I don’t have an outburst and yell at everyone who’s around me. I like to think I’m a nice person, I care about people. Is it so much to ask that people are the same back? Especially when they’re like nice and caring towards everyone else!!

The only time over the last few weeks where I actually felt happy was during the college ball. It wasn’t until after the meal though. I went and got a pint after the meal and sat at the side while the dancing started with most people making their way onto the dance floor. I decided I would go dancing when I finished the pint because I saw some people who I would know fairly well and would dance with at the other side of the dance floor. I downed the end of my pint, stood up and before I could start making my own way over to them, our SU Education Officer came over and took my hand and brought me over to all of the ones I was going to go over and we were all dancing away. That felt really nice. I felt like at that moment my invisibility cloak was stopped working and I was seen again. I spent most of the night then with our SU Equalities Officer and one of the committee members of the SVP soc. I had a great night from then on. They told me I looked nice, they loved my dress and I didn’t feel like an outcast I felt like I was welcomed into the group with open arms. I can’t thank them enough for that. It meant a lot to me that they let me hang out with them for the night. (I’m not crying right now, I’m just tired. I’m just tired.) Later on in the night when they went to bed, I went outside for a cigarette. I went over and sat with our SU Communications Officer and our former SU  President and former SU Welfare Officer. I had a nice time talking with them for a bit. I said that I wanted to go over to some of the people who were at the ball from USI but I was too scared. Mostly the USI President and I was scared that she wouldn’t remember me. Our former Welfare Officer, who works at USI as the current Southern Region Officer and hopefully soon to be the USI Welfare elect, told me I should go over to her and I had nothing to be scared of and she would talk to me anyway. So when I went back inside I walked over to her and she was smiling and said hi. I was like “Hi, do you remember me I was at Pink Training?” She said she did and then she was saying how she wasn’t wearing her band from that, saying that her sister had borrowed it or something. I showed her my rainbow coil bracelet and she thought it was really cool and asked me where I got it. Then she asked me if I was going to USI Congress and I said I wasn’t because I had college so she showed me the designs she had for the stickers that were being given in the Congress packs and I was like “Oh my god, they’re unreal. I want one”. Then when our former SU Welfare Officer came over, the USI President was like “Make sure she gets some of the unicorn stickers.” I got so excited, she was making sure I was getting them even though I wasn’t going to be there. We also both came to the realization, although it seemed to fascinate her a little bit more, that 10 years ago she was the same age as I was now. Even though I hadn’t really had many conversations with the USI crowd of people much before, especially without my friend there to introduce me to them because she’d know them better, I also felt very included and it seemed like they liked talking to me. They easily could have ignored me after a while of talking to me but no from the moment I sat down I talked to them for like the next hour and even missed the bus home so I could stay hanging out with them a bit longer. It was just a whole lot of wonderful. Just for that night. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think me having such a shit time over the past couple of weeks made me appreciate every part of that night even more than I would have otherwise.

Sometimes I Need a Break!

Usually when it comes to any time off from college I get sad because I will miss all my friends and having something to do everyday. This time around I couldn’t be more thankful to have some time off not only from college but from people as well. Since I have social anxiety, I tend to use a lot of my energy to try to stay calm and to talk normally in social situations. Hence why I’ve been so tired lately, because these social interactions over the last 2-3 weeks have gotten a lot more strenuous and difficult to deal with. I have been made feel like an idiot, like I’m invisible and like my opinion is not valid on any subject matter including myself. Like it’s something serious when someone shuts down how you identify personally because they think your something else and refuse to believe that you’re being honest.

I got told during this week that I’m not actually a lesbian, I’m apparently bisexual. I’ve been told to just let it go and not think about it but I can’t. It isn’t that simple. I have questioned my sexuality for about 6 years and I’ve been at the conclusion that I’m definitely a lesbian for about the last year really. I have thought I was bisexual at different stages but I have realised that if I labelled myself as that I would just be lying because while I can appreciate a good-looking guy who could be boyfriend material to someone, I could never see myself kissing, let alone dating a guy. The person who told me I was bisexual used a joke I made about wanting to get with a guy because I liked the smell of his deodorant. It was a joke for a reason and I know that person has a hard time understanding any jokes I make especially, she also has other evidence about “the guys I fancy” that she refuses to tell me. It’s  been in my mind so much that last night I had a dream where I had a one night stand with a guy and got pregnant and had a baby. Eventually deciding to get into a relationship with the father after having to choose between him and a woman who I had also been attracted to. It seemed like a bunch of random people in my dream and all. I’ve never wanted a child but in the dream it started off focusing on my relationship with a guy but about half through began to focus on my pursuit as a mother. This dream baby obviously was invincible because I left it in alone for 3 days until I actually started to take responsibility for it. I gave the baby milk then realised that where the baby had been left had affected the skin on their face so I used like baby lotion to try to make that better. Then the next thing I had to do was get a lift to the shop and buy nappies. I got a lift from a friend and while the baby was in a car seat for the entirety of the dream (I refused to take it out for some reason, probably for fear that I would drop it). Even in the car though I held onto the car seat so I could keep looking at the baby and have their hand wrapped around my finger. I felt very maternal and it’s something I’ve never experienced before. I was also sitting in the back of the car and had to remind my friend who was driving that I was holding a child and not to go speeding or brake quickly in the event that the baby would get hurt. Even after this dream, I still don’t  want a child and I still am in no way looking for a relationship with a man. More than anything the dream scared me. I’m good at acting like an adult when I have to and putting on a serious front but not to that extent. I mean I went with the father because I wanted help with the child not because I actually loved him. Dream me was in love with some woman with long blonde hair and possibly had glasses, I don’t know she appeared in the dream very briefly. I woke up and I felt kind of anxious but I also really wanted to talk to someone about my dream but like most people hate hearing about dreams. That’s why I wrote it in this blog instead of calling someone who’s probably busy. Also in case you’re wondering, the baby was a girl and she had no name.

To go back to the point of this blog, I have been extremely frustrated for the last few weeks. Anything I say in anger as been taken too seriously and people have thought of me as being completely inconsiderate and ignorant whereas I sometimes have to point out a bad thing from the situation before I can move on whether this bad thing actually affects me or not. Another reason I have been frustrated is because anything I’ve said has been ignored or laughed at in a group situation. Nothing I said was taken seriously and it made me feel like everything I was saying was wrong and that it would just be more beneficial to everyone if I just stayed quiet and out of the way. I got told by the same girl who told me I wasn’t a lesbian, that I was mean to her lately. Anyone who knows me knows that I am never mean to people because God knows I’ve been bullied enough and laughed at that I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like the piece of shit that I have always felt that I am. What reason would I have to be mean to someone, I hadn’t even talked to her that much that week because in the evenings instead of being down in the kitchen like normal and hanging out with people in my student accommodation, I was up in my room trying to sleep or just relaxing because I was so tired from all the energy I had been used while at college. I’ve nearly cried so many times over the past few weeks just out of frustration of not being listened to and treated like I’m just some idiot that knows nothing. I decided that for my week off, I’m going to isolate myself as much as I can because that’s what I do when I feel ignored or invisible, I take it upon myself to make that a reality. People might forget that I exist would be a good thing for them, give them one less thing to worry about. I think people are finding it harder and harder to deal with my mood swings and irrational behavior recently. I can’t help the way I feel about certain things. I am tired of being thought of as an idiot. I think about anything that people say to me a lot and I can’t help but overthink it. I have insecurities that I’ve developed over the years just by one very small comment that has been made to me. When I was about 5 or 6 years old I was cycling my bike in my estate and a girl who was younger than me called me big ears and Dumbo and since then I’ve always thought that my ears were too big and one of the many reason why I will never cut my hair really short. When I was about 11 or 12 I think someone looked at my eyelashes and said “Oh, you have light brown eyelashes, interesting.” They genuinely just found it interesting because it was different to theirs but I took it as “Oh your eyelashes are different to the norm you are some kind of weird looking alien.” Therefore some morning when I go to college and I think my eyelashes look too light coloured I put on mascara so I can change them to black and not have to worry about someone saying anything about them. If that isn’t proof of how much things can affect me than I don’t know what is. I don’t think anyone ever understands how much even the smallest comment can affect and how sometimes things that might sound worse won’t affect me at all.

I went out Thursday night and put up a snapchat when I went home saying that I had a shit night and I didn’t want anyone from college to contact me on the week off. I should have prefaced this saying that it was my own fault that I had a shit night because I drank too much of the wrong drink and I could hardly see straight. Also I just felt really out of place from the moment we stepped into the nightclub. I really should have stayed at home and not gone out but I had already bought my ticket so I didn’t want to stay in because of that. I was asked to help with one of my friends FYP’s during the week off, just to go in for a few minutes to film a quick thing. I have no problem doing it whatsoever. I will go crazy at being at home for a week, but I would also go crazy being at college for a week but being there for a day will be grand. However, again the girl who said I wasn’t a lesbian, and that I was being mean, told me that “There is already like 5 of us doing it, it would be a waste of your time coming in to do it.” WELL NOBODY FUCKING ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION BITCH!!!!  IS IT YOUR FUCKING FYP???NO, I DIDN’T FUCKING THINK SO!!!!!! While I say I need a break from people in general at the moment, like social interactions and stuff, I really just need a break from that one person because she is wrecking my head. If I wanted someone to tell me that everything I do, say, think, and believe is wrong, I would have asked for her opinion but I didn’t she just feels the need to let me know that I’m wrong on a constant basis. Thanks girl, appreciate it so much!! (*SARCASM*)