Should I Give Up?

Now most people are going to see that title and think that I mean giving up on life and while they won’t be entirely wrong that is not the main point of this it is only a result shortly after giving up. I have zero motivation for anything this entire summer. My parents have been yelling at me to get a job and to no ones surprise I never got one again this year. My parents thought I wasn’t trying hard enough despite making me go into town handing out CVs every few days. I did hand them out to a lot of places and I applied for a lot of jobs online yet I still got nothing. The ultimate reason as to why is because my CV is terrible and I have very little experience in anything because I’ve never had a job before. So that lead to my parents yelling at me more and seeming disappointed in me. I don’t care if they’re disappointed, I’m not trying to impress them. However, all the feelings towards me not getting a job makes me feel awful. I feel like I’m not good enough. I feel unwanted by the world. I can’t escape my parents anger towards me because I live at home and will be living at home for the foreseeable future. 

I guess it also doesn’t help that it is summer and for the most part I don’t talk to anyone outside my home. On the days when I would go to town, I would try my best to stay there for a long time to avoid going home. When I would get home the first thing that was always said to me was “Any luck?” I would say no and they would scowl. I don’t know what they were expecting, that I would get offered a job right there on the spot? It’s not like I have anyone around reassuring me that there is things I’m good at and not to worry. I don’t even know if I’m good at  anything. I can’t get even get a normal everyday job what’s going to happen when I’m trying to get work placement for January. I don’t even excel at anything in relation to my course, what the hell am I supposed to go for? There is a lot of things I like but someone is going to have their two cents and say that I have no chance and I won’t keep up that I don’t even know how to do certain things. I know a lot more than everyone thinks the only module I failed was tough on a lot of people. Still is tough on my as I struggle though the repeat. I have ideas about the topic I want but I can’t think of how I’m going to translate that into what I’m being asked for. It’s bringing me down a lot and my parents don’t understand what it is about. Everyday that I’ve been working on it they ask “Have you gotten much done?” I’m still on a research stage which is vital for my marks so it just consists of me googling  some things trying to figure out if I can base my project on that topic. Also I’ve only really been doing work on my project since Thursday because my parents have finally stopped badgering me about getting a job and are letting me try to work towards getting back into college which is the only thing I have worth living for. Even that isn’t enough motivation sometimes. I love everything about college but the end of 2nd year made me feel like shit like no one really wants me back so maybe I would be doing everyone a favour by giving up. 

I have zero motivation and I don’t even think anyone would try to help motivate me if I asked. I would expect them to say something along the lines of “Well if you don’t have the motivation don’t try to force it. Maybe you’d be better off out of college?” As open as appear to be about most things there is till a lot I don’t tell people. Like how down I really feel, the fact that I’ve gone a few extra days without showering because what’s the point it’s not like I’m leaving the house and how much I really want to talk to people despite the fact that I don’t communicate well via texting or messenger. I would call them but you know people are leading their busy life’s because they actually have jobs. Besides, they probably need a break from me anyhow hence another reason why I don’t message people much even if I really want to. I guess my main problem is I haven’t been doing much so my only topics of conversations are RuPaul’s Drag Race,Love Island and that I’m very slowly getting through Game of Thrones because it takes too much focus than I can fathom to watch it. 

I was reading a blog that I wrote about a friend who will be back in college for the first time since December, and it made me a bit happier having that in mind that I get to see him again and that I’ll have someone who’s always had my back with me again. So maybe for now that’s a good enough reason to keep going and to not give up because I’ll have that support back that has been a bit lacking in the last few months. 

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13 Reasons Why!!

I have never related so much to something. It is giving me both an exhilarating and a scared feeling. I mean I’m glad I found something that really gets it. Imagine how different my life could have been if I knew the book existed. The book came out 10 years ago. I have been suicidal for 10 years, maybe the book could have helped me. I’d have been able to see how much an effect a suicide can have on the lives of others and how there is a future. 10 years ago I definitely could have committed suicide and thought of 13 Reasons as to Why I did it. Up until I started college I could have done that. College changed everything. At least it did for a while. These suicidal tendencies don’t always go away completely. They are really dark, feelings that just can’t be gotten rid of. Anytime my life goes to shit or people treat me like shit I think about how much I wish it was all over. Mostly I’m fine. Mostly I either feel nothing or I feel everything. Oh the joys of being a bundle of depression and anxiety. I just get tired of everything or else sad for no reason. In those moments, it’s all stuff going on in my head and it’s my fault. That stuff I can handle. I can’t handle other people making me feel that way or making me feel paranoid. Since I was 9 years old, I have been made feel like an outsider. I have been ignored, not appreciated, undermined, and casually bullied. I say casually bullied because apparently statements that are said to you that might not necessarily mean sounding don’t count as bullying no matter how much they effect the victim. I was scared. I lost all trust in people and it takes a very long process for me to trust someone now and if that gets broken it won’t get repaired. I just believed that everyone was fake. Nobody really cared. When I was bullied in primary school it was emotionally manipulative. The bullies would always be like “Hi Sandra, how are you? Oh you’re good, that’s good! Listen I forgot to bring something in so can I borrow yours? I swear I’ll give it back just trust me. Aw thanks so much!!!” They would get in my face a bit and sometimes 3 or 4 of them would approach me at the same time. I didn’t have a choice really. If they wanted to “borrow” something that was mine I wasn’t allowed to say no. If I did they would just go up to the teacher and say that I’m not sharing. Of course one of the main things they aim to teach you in primary school is sharing because that’s caring and if you’re not sharing then you might as well pack your bags for your trip to hell or wherever all the bold children go. I grew up not being allowed to say no. I was afraid to say no. I got scared of being in trouble. I still find it hard to say no. As much as my mental illnesses are my problems and I can’t really play the blame game here, I think my childhood experiences should at least be some bit accredited to why I got so messed up.

I got made fun of for being too “boyish”. “What are you a boy?” I answered that question and said “You know sometimes I wish I was!” I said that for the plain and simple reason that I knew if I was a boy I wouldn’t be treated the way I was. I would have been respected, and allowed to play soccer at lunch with the boys and actually be part of a team instead of trying to fight for the ball and become a one woman team to prove that I could play. However when I said I’d rather be a boy, they used that as further fuel for the fire. They would just laugh. And laugh. And laugh. I’ve had to train myself to be ok to be around people when their laughing. For the last few years, I’ve wanted to be a comedian and make people laugh because everyone should be happy and I wouldn’t wish my shitty experiences on anyone. However, because of the years of being laughed at I got really insecure. Every laugh I heard even if it was really far away or obviously directed at something else, I felt it was directed at me. I’ve run to the bathroom on numerous occasions when I felt like a group of people were pointing a laughing at me in their little group of friends. Why else would they be laughing? It had to be me, surely they weren’t making jokes that were unrelated to me?

It was also 10 years ago that I became self-conscious about my weight. I can say this now because I’ve had a lot of weight issues and fluctuations, that I was tiny when I was 9. I was still skinny I had no bit of fat on me whatsoever, expect maybe in my face and I’m still trying to get rid of that. I got fat when I was going into secondary school, and the fact that I cycled to school I was heavier than almost every girl in my entire school, I was a big fat target for abuse.My massive school bag didn’t help with that either. I thought going to an all girls secondary school would give me freedom from the ridicule that boys had against me but alas that was not to be as my school was right next to the boys and the mixed secondary schools.  I got laughed at, mocked, yelled at, pelted with pebbles, and blocked from entering my estate. I got mocked so much one day when I was in 5th year that I started crying and when the guys who mocked me realised this, they got a bit quieter but still kind of laughed it off because they didn’t know how to react to the fact that their words had an effect on me. I was blinded by tears but kept cycling away because how could I stop when they were all still around. It’s really dangerous to cycle a bike, especially on a road with moving cars, when you can’t see. I didn’t care though I just wanted to get home as fast as I could and shut myself away in my room. As soon as I got into 5th year and my class room was located out in the prefab that no one ever checks in the evenings, I stayed behind at least half an hour before making an attempt to go home. I waited so that all the boys from the other schools were pretty much all gone home. I spent the last two years of secondary school hiding and trying to make myself as invisible as possible. I’ve fallen off my bike a few times cycling home from school and not once could those lads give any bit of sympathy. I could hear the roars of laughter coming from across the road. I was in first or second year when the worst fall happened. I was cycling up onto the footpath but the bike didn’t make it up on the curb and I fell onto the footpath after going at a bit of a speed and my massive school bag got flung over my head and pulled me down even harder and faster. Surprisingly enough I didn’t break my neck. I didn’t even really get that injured a few bruises on my body, and because of the laughter, a huge scar across my heart.

I hope this makes it somewhat easier to understand why I sometimes think about people in the way I do. Reasons I think that no one cares because no one ever really did. Back to the show, anyone who seemed like they might care were just like Clay, they knew what was happening and just stood on the sidelines not wanting to get involved or say anything. I’m glad I am past the worst of it. Anything I’ve been feeling since I started college are the after effects and repercussions of that life that I was forced to battle through. I’m glad I did. It was worth all the fighting. It was worth all the scars both external and internal. I feel like I’ve found my group of people. People who care about me. People who love me, even though they don’t admit it because they’re too cool/awkward to express certain emotions.  13 Reasons Why, made me remember all those events I was trying to forget. I’m happy that it reminded me because comparing those years to the present day it so motivating. If I can go from that horrible time with people who treated me like I was a voodoo doll trying to see how many pins they could stick in me before they stabbed every bit of my heart. I honestly think they wanted me to kill myself. I definitely said it at one point out of frustration at them and they didn’t really care they said stuff like “Yeah well I’d like to see you try.” They also would just shrug it off and be like “Yeah right, sure you will”. Even as a young impressionable child, I was mature and intelligent in everything that I did. I knew that if I did do something to myself that it wouldn’t change anything, except for the fact that I wouldn’t have to listen to them anymore which was nearly enough motivation for me to do it but if I was going to make such a big decision like that I wanted it to be for me, not for them. I didn’t want them to get the satisfaction that they were finally rid of me. I stuck around to annoy them because no matter what I did, they never liked me. Nobody thought they were doing anything wrong, even my friends agreed with them most of the time. I just needed to shut up because they “weren’t actually being mean at all”. I was just taking everything the wrong way and they were “obviously joking”.

At least I don’t have that anymore. I have people who care and I couldn’t be happier with the support system that I’ve developed in the past year and a half. With every smile and every hug I get from any of them I am so thankful that I stuck around and I know that I can’t leave now because why would I want to end this bliss that is my social life. It took me so long to get a social life and honestly it was worth the wait. I am loved. I’ve always wanted that and I never thought it would happen. It makes me so happy sometimes when I really start thinking about it. They like me, they really like me.

I Just Feel So Angry, All The Time.

Like I said in my last blog, I needed a break for a while. The break has helped me with dealing with people in a calm manner. However, I am just as angry as ever. The time off did not actually make me any more calm about the situations in fact I think I have gotten angrier about everything over the last week. I feel like I’m in secondary school again. I am paranoid. I feel like everyone is just looking at me thinking that my arguments are crazy as if I have no right to be angry about everything. I’ve started doubting myself, maybe I am wrong. Maybe they’re right, I am just an idiot. I am actually a bitch who knows nothing about her own sexual orientation and I’ve just been lying to myself for years. You know what I’m actually bisexual and find more than one gender sexually attractive. Now that’s where I would be lying to myself. Even typing that line felt wrong and uncomfortable. I ruled out men a long time ago, I know I don’t like them. If people could just understand that maybe we could all get on again like we used to do and bake a cake out of sunshine and rainbows and all that crap. As for the sexual attraction, I must say that asexuality is a very broad term, so also telling me that I’m definitely not that because my definition for it is a little different to yours is also not right. I am getting really sick of have to fight for the right use the label asexual as part of my identity. I’m thinking of dropping it all together. I’m either trying to fight for the validation that it is a real thing or I’m fighting someone to prove that I actually do identify (in part, I might admit) as asexual. Yes I do admit that it’s not at the core of my identification but it’s still there, but I guess I should just start letting go of it even though it’s the only thing I was sure about when I came out 2 years ago. From now on I won’t elaborate. Why don’t we just play spin the LGBT+ spectrum see what sexual orientation you will assign me this week and make me just go with it.

I’ve been at my wit’s end the last week. I’ve been so frustrated and angry that I haven’t been doing any work for college. I’m been so tired during the day and having trouble trying to get to sleep at night. I missed all my classes on Tuesday and Thursday because I didn’t have the energy to get up on time. To be fair I was practically dead on Thursday after the college ball, which I will discuss later on in this blog. I’ve felt like I’ve been walking around in my own little bubble that everyone is avoiding to go near. I’ve felt like I’m being ignored/ I feel invisible. Going back to what I said above, I feel like I’m in secondary school. Walking around by myself, feeling like I’m in the way or intruding on other people’s lives. I feel like everyone is giving me death stares and purposely avoiding me as best they can. I know it’s really all in my head but I don’t know I just feel lost. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I need to be doing. Well except for the fact that I have a one minute film due on Wednesday and I have yet to film it. I feel like I should be crying or ripping my hair out but instead I’m just refusing to get out of bed until late in the day and eating one and a half meals a day. I mean I uploaded a 15 minute long rant on Facebook on Friday at around 1am discussing everything that was going on in my head. It was just a black screen so the only focus was on my voice and what I was saying. I was just lying down in bed and just spewed a load of nonsense about how I feel like a loser and an idiot and it’s mostly attributed to everyone else making me feel that way. Yes I am playing the blame game a lot recently but I was doing good there for ages. I was actually doing really good, I hate that I’ve gotten bad again. I try so hard to stay good but it’s so difficult to do when everyone is putting you down. They might think they’re being funny but there is only so much negativity you can put towards someone before the joking around becomes putting someone down. I feel like my mind has turned into a minefield. I need to bite my tongue to make sure I don’t have an outburst and yell at everyone who’s around me. I like to think I’m a nice person, I care about people. Is it so much to ask that people are the same back? Especially when they’re like nice and caring towards everyone else!!

The only time over the last few weeks where I actually felt happy was during the college ball. It wasn’t until after the meal though. I went and got a pint after the meal and sat at the side while the dancing started with most people making their way onto the dance floor. I decided I would go dancing when I finished the pint because I saw some people who I would know fairly well and would dance with at the other side of the dance floor. I downed the end of my pint, stood up and before I could start making my own way over to them, our SU Education Officer came over and took my hand and brought me over to all of the ones I was going to go over and we were all dancing away. That felt really nice. I felt like at that moment my invisibility cloak was stopped working and I was seen again. I spent most of the night then with our SU Equalities Officer and one of the committee members of the SVP soc. I had a great night from then on. They told me I looked nice, they loved my dress and I didn’t feel like an outcast I felt like I was welcomed into the group with open arms. I can’t thank them enough for that. It meant a lot to me that they let me hang out with them for the night. (I’m not crying right now, I’m just tired. I’m just tired.) Later on in the night when they went to bed, I went outside for a cigarette. I went over and sat with our SU Communications Officer and our former SU  President and former SU Welfare Officer. I had a nice time talking with them for a bit. I said that I wanted to go over to some of the people who were at the ball from USI but I was too scared. Mostly the USI President and I was scared that she wouldn’t remember me. Our former Welfare Officer, who works at USI as the current Southern Region Officer and hopefully soon to be the USI Welfare elect, told me I should go over to her and I had nothing to be scared of and she would talk to me anyway. So when I went back inside I walked over to her and she was smiling and said hi. I was like “Hi, do you remember me I was at Pink Training?” She said she did and then she was saying how she wasn’t wearing her band from that, saying that her sister had borrowed it or something. I showed her my rainbow coil bracelet and she thought it was really cool and asked me where I got it. Then she asked me if I was going to USI Congress and I said I wasn’t because I had college so she showed me the designs she had for the stickers that were being given in the Congress packs and I was like “Oh my god, they’re unreal. I want one”. Then when our former SU Welfare Officer came over, the USI President was like “Make sure she gets some of the unicorn stickers.” I got so excited, she was making sure I was getting them even though I wasn’t going to be there. We also both came to the realization, although it seemed to fascinate her a little bit more, that 10 years ago she was the same age as I was now. Even though I hadn’t really had many conversations with the USI crowd of people much before, especially without my friend there to introduce me to them because she’d know them better, I also felt very included and it seemed like they liked talking to me. They easily could have ignored me after a while of talking to me but no from the moment I sat down I talked to them for like the next hour and even missed the bus home so I could stay hanging out with them a bit longer. It was just a whole lot of wonderful. Just for that night. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think me having such a shit time over the past couple of weeks made me appreciate every part of that night even more than I would have otherwise.

Sometimes I Need a Break!

Usually when it comes to any time off from college I get sad because I will miss all my friends and having something to do everyday. This time around I couldn’t be more thankful to have some time off not only from college but from people as well. Since I have social anxiety, I tend to use a lot of my energy to try to stay calm and to talk normally in social situations. Hence why I’ve been so tired lately, because these social interactions over the last 2-3 weeks have gotten a lot more strenuous and difficult to deal with. I have been made feel like an idiot, like I’m invisible and like my opinion is not valid on any subject matter including myself. Like it’s something serious when someone shuts down how you identify personally because they think your something else and refuse to believe that you’re being honest.

I got told during this week that I’m not actually a lesbian, I’m apparently bisexual. I’ve been told to just let it go and not think about it but I can’t. It isn’t that simple. I have questioned my sexuality for about 6 years and I’ve been at the conclusion that I’m definitely a lesbian for about the last year really. I have thought I was bisexual at different stages but I have realised that if I labelled myself as that I would just be lying because while I can appreciate a good-looking guy who could be boyfriend material to someone, I could never see myself kissing, let alone dating a guy. The person who told me I was bisexual used a joke I made about wanting to get with a guy because I liked the smell of his deodorant. It was a joke for a reason and I know that person has a hard time understanding any jokes I make especially, she also has other evidence about “the guys I fancy” that she refuses to tell me. It’s  been in my mind so much that last night I had a dream where I had a one night stand with a guy and got pregnant and had a baby. Eventually deciding to get into a relationship with the father after having to choose between him and a woman who I had also been attracted to. It seemed like a bunch of random people in my dream and all. I’ve never wanted a child but in the dream it started off focusing on my relationship with a guy but about half through began to focus on my pursuit as a mother. This dream baby obviously was invincible because I left it in alone for 3 days until I actually started to take responsibility for it. I gave the baby milk then realised that where the baby had been left had affected the skin on their face so I used like baby lotion to try to make that better. Then the next thing I had to do was get a lift to the shop and buy nappies. I got a lift from a friend and while the baby was in a car seat for the entirety of the dream (I refused to take it out for some reason, probably for fear that I would drop it). Even in the car though I held onto the car seat so I could keep looking at the baby and have their hand wrapped around my finger. I felt very maternal and it’s something I’ve never experienced before. I was also sitting in the back of the car and had to remind my friend who was driving that I was holding a child and not to go speeding or brake quickly in the event that the baby would get hurt. Even after this dream, I still don’t  want a child and I still am in no way looking for a relationship with a man. More than anything the dream scared me. I’m good at acting like an adult when I have to and putting on a serious front but not to that extent. I mean I went with the father because I wanted help with the child not because I actually loved him. Dream me was in love with some woman with long blonde hair and possibly had glasses, I don’t know she appeared in the dream very briefly. I woke up and I felt kind of anxious but I also really wanted to talk to someone about my dream but like most people hate hearing about dreams. That’s why I wrote it in this blog instead of calling someone who’s probably busy. Also in case you’re wondering, the baby was a girl and she had no name.

To go back to the point of this blog, I have been extremely frustrated for the last few weeks. Anything I say in anger as been taken too seriously and people have thought of me as being completely inconsiderate and ignorant whereas I sometimes have to point out a bad thing from the situation before I can move on whether this bad thing actually affects me or not. Another reason I have been frustrated is because anything I’ve said has been ignored or laughed at in a group situation. Nothing I said was taken seriously and it made me feel like everything I was saying was wrong and that it would just be more beneficial to everyone if I just stayed quiet and out of the way. I got told by the same girl who told me I wasn’t a lesbian, that I was mean to her lately. Anyone who knows me knows that I am never mean to people because God knows I’ve been bullied enough and laughed at that I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like the piece of shit that I have always felt that I am. What reason would I have to be mean to someone, I hadn’t even talked to her that much that week because in the evenings instead of being down in the kitchen like normal and hanging out with people in my student accommodation, I was up in my room trying to sleep or just relaxing because I was so tired from all the energy I had been used while at college. I’ve nearly cried so many times over the past few weeks just out of frustration of not being listened to and treated like I’m just some idiot that knows nothing. I decided that for my week off, I’m going to isolate myself as much as I can because that’s what I do when I feel ignored or invisible, I take it upon myself to make that a reality. People might forget that I exist would be a good thing for them, give them one less thing to worry about. I think people are finding it harder and harder to deal with my mood swings and irrational behavior recently. I can’t help the way I feel about certain things. I am tired of being thought of as an idiot. I think about anything that people say to me a lot and I can’t help but overthink it. I have insecurities that I’ve developed over the years just by one very small comment that has been made to me. When I was about 5 or 6 years old I was cycling my bike in my estate and a girl who was younger than me called me big ears and Dumbo and since then I’ve always thought that my ears were too big and one of the many reason why I will never cut my hair really short. When I was about 11 or 12 I think someone looked at my eyelashes and said “Oh, you have light brown eyelashes, interesting.” They genuinely just found it interesting because it was different to theirs but I took it as “Oh your eyelashes are different to the norm you are some kind of weird looking alien.” Therefore some morning when I go to college and I think my eyelashes look too light coloured I put on mascara so I can change them to black and not have to worry about someone saying anything about them. If that isn’t proof of how much things can affect me than I don’t know what is. I don’t think anyone ever understands how much even the smallest comment can affect and how sometimes things that might sound worse won’t affect me at all.

I went out Thursday night and put up a snapchat when I went home saying that I had a shit night and I didn’t want anyone from college to contact me on the week off. I should have prefaced this saying that it was my own fault that I had a shit night because I drank too much of the wrong drink and I could hardly see straight. Also I just felt really out of place from the moment we stepped into the nightclub. I really should have stayed at home and not gone out but I had already bought my ticket so I didn’t want to stay in because of that. I was asked to help with one of my friends FYP’s during the week off, just to go in for a few minutes to film a quick thing. I have no problem doing it whatsoever. I will go crazy at being at home for a week, but I would also go crazy being at college for a week but being there for a day will be grand. However, again the girl who said I wasn’t a lesbian, and that I was being mean, told me that “There is already like 5 of us doing it, it would be a waste of your time coming in to do it.” WELL NOBODY FUCKING ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION BITCH!!!!  IS IT YOUR FUCKING FYP???NO, I DIDN’T FUCKING THINK SO!!!!!! While I say I need a break from people in general at the moment, like social interactions and stuff, I really just need a break from that one person because she is wrecking my head. If I wanted someone to tell me that everything I do, say, think, and believe is wrong, I would have asked for her opinion but I didn’t she just feels the need to let me know that I’m wrong on a constant basis. Thanks girl, appreciate it so much!! (*SARCASM*)

 

I Fucked Up!

Remember in my last post that I survived yet another year of life, yeah I kind of went a bit out of control last night and nearly wanted to leave it at that and cut my life short. Not really though. I again was just talking some big talk because I didn’t want to actually kill myself last night I just wanted my body to feel the pain that has been in my mind for the last few weeks but especially the past week.

For the most part, I gave myself to high of expectations for my birthday celebrations.  Last Thursday, there was plans to have an actual night out especially for my birthday, which was Sunday. It ended up with no one going out last Thursday which made me kind of depressed in a way because I really wanted to go out and it was my motivation to get through the week. To be fair there was someone else who wanted to go out and I gladly would have gone out with just them but I guess just two people going on a night out isn’t a thing it only works with groups. I stayed in and played trivial pursuit with my housemates and two people from my class.  We drank, we laughed, we all lost to one of my housemates. It was a fun night, I had just been so excited to go out and celebrate my birthday. It’s not something I ever really celebrate but this year I felt like I had people in my life that would be willing to go out and celebrate the fact that I’m alive. Throughout the night I got slowly more depressed. I was out of it most of the night. I wasn’t really paying attention to anything, except drinking. I was just thinking and making everything a lot worse in my head. One of my roommates noticed that I was being quieter than normal. I do think that it is some skill to notice when I’m being extra quiet because I’m always fairly quiet. She told me that her and my other housemate had set up a group chat to organise a night out for my birthday and I cried. I think I might have mentioned this is the last blog so I won’t go on about it too much. From then on I got really excited about the following Thursday, yesterday, to see what it would be like to have a night out that was all about me. I had parties as a child but I felt like it my friends at the time had to go to it or only went to it because the day might be fun, not focused on me at all really.

The same thing happened again last night. Nothing really happened to go out for my birthday. At least I did get to go out with people I’m friends with and really like to go out with and I tried to make the most of it but I still felt disappointed with the night. Again, this was no one’s fault except my own. I shouldn’t have had such high expectations. I was overthinking it way too much and getting myself excited for something I knew deep down was never going to go to plan. You think I would have learned by now to keep my expectations low but I guess it’s something I need to try and work harder at. To be fair, I can appreciate the good parts of the night. Like while the places we went to weren’t very busy, there was some good songs we danced to and I have some good memories from the night.

My mental breakdown began when we left Fabrik to go to Hennesseys and I was given the task to walk with two of my friends who were much drunker than I was. My other two friends drove there in one of the girls cars. While it wasn’t difficult or anything, and neither are bad drunks, I just felt stressed because what if something happened. If anything happened to either of them I would have felt guilty. I let one of them go ahead of us because I knew that he would be fine so long as he kept going in the right direction which he was. I talked to my other friend because I felt like that would be the best way to keep her mind from wandering and thinking about stopping or going somewhere else. Either way we all made it there. We each got a shot of sambuca when we got into the bar and god knows I needed that. Then when the two friends who drove arrived in I left them for a few minutes to find some of the friends from my class that I knew were out to so I went outside to the smoking area to say hi to them. I went back to where the friends I went out with were and they were nowhere to be seen. I walked around the pub three times and gave up. I thought that they left me. So in an effort to block out the feeling that they had left me behind and gone home, I bought two drinks and planned to down them to try and get myself drunk enough to forget. It’s not even though I was alone all that long but a minute in real time is the equivalent to like a half an hour in drunk time. After I was with my friends from my class for a while, I saw the friends I had gone out with appear. I went over to them with my two drinks still pretty much full. I told them I thought that they had left me and they were like “No, we were just in the bathroom because one of the girls were getting sick.” It never occurred to me that they would have been in the bathroom. I’m such an idiot. Then I proceeded to yell out all the messed up stuff I had planned to do in that short time that they had left me. “I’m was going to drink as much as I could and then go home and cut my arms a lot.” My friends were like “WHAT??!” Then one of the girls, the one I had walked to from Fabrik to Hennesseys with, sat down next to me and talked to me about what was going on.  It did calm me down a bit but in the back of my mind I couldn’t get rid of the thought of cutting. I almost did it last Thursday when I didn’t go out for my birthday.

We went to get food after that before we went home and while we were sitting waiting for it I got given out to by one of the girls. She said “Right well what’s ever going on with you, you have to stop putting all the blame on Jodi. It’s not like it’s her fault.” It wasn’t her fault and I didn’t think that I had been putting the blame on her. I prefaced anything I said to her with “This is my own fault, I had too high expectations.” I was only telling her what I had been thinking not giving out to her because her was somehow her fault which it wasn’t. Granted yes, anytime we had a fight before on a night out, I was giving out to her because of problems I had made in my own head. Again, not her fault but those times I had yelled at her and made it seem like she had caused it. I didn’t want that to happen again. So last night I made sure that I didn’t act like that. I didn’t want her to think I was putting blame on her because it’s just unnecessary and completely untrue that any of my problems are her fault. She did seem to be a bit upset but that was more so because of the extreme feelings of awful that I was feeling. I kept saying to her not to get upset about it because like there was no reason to. I need to try and keep my mouth shut on night on. They might have been having a fairly good night and I feel like I just ruined it. I’m really sorry about that. She told me I don’t need to say sorry about it but I feel bad about it. Jodi came up to my apartment for a fag before going off to bed and then my housemate and another friend from my class came in just before she left. I say goodbye to her and that I’d see her Monday. Then my friend from my class left and then my roommate went to bed. I then went and got a knife that I had bought at the start of the year and slashed my arm so badly. Usually, as if this is a common occurance, when I used to cut I had a limit. I would stop once I did it about three or four times provided that there was at least two adequate cuts made. This time I just kept going and I have 16 cuts covering most of my arm and about 7 of them bled. I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t have done it. I knew while I was doing it. I knew when I was planning. I knew when I looked at it and couldn’t and can’t stop looking at it since I’ve done it.I have to deal with the constant stinging and pain that these scars are currently causing me. I don’t know if it’s because I can’t remember the feeling or because it’s been so long since I’ve done it but these scars really hurt like a lot. I now have to actively wear long sleeves and make sure no one of any authority sees them or I could get sent to somewhere I don’t want to go.  I don’t need to talk to some professional. I don’t even need to really talk about all my problems to people. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone. Anyone. When I can’t I get frustrated. Some of the things this week that made me incredibly stressed and upset was people talking over me, immediately shutting down my ideas, and just making me feel small. I said very little and everything seemed to be wrong even though I knew I was right and they eventually realised that I was write but that didn’t stop them from shutting me down.

I do realise that I have been really selfish to do all of this. My birthday was by no means awful or even bad. It was probably one of the best I ever had. Going out on Sunday night, the actual day of my birthday, for my 4th year friends birthday celebrations because it was his birthday too helped that a bit. I mean they made sure I was included in well wishes and wanted me to feel like I was being celebrated too. I got given birthday presents that mean so much to me that I can’t even describe what I feel when I look at them. They make me feel loved. My issue this time wasn’t completely a feeling of being unloved or not cared for like it was pretty obvious this week that I’m loved. It was still part of it because I always have that doubt and it will never go away. It really was a lot of problems I made in my own. I have actually learned how to deal with my mental health issues it’s just every now and again I forget how to deal with it or else I just need a break from trying to keep it together all the time.  I hadn’t cut myself since the 11th September. That was almost 5 months where I was free of self harm. I had the desire to do it for the last week and a half but other than that I had been totally fine. Even when I found out I failed an exam I knew that if I cut myself it wouldn’t make matters better. It wouldn’t change anything. I didn’t give it a second thought, I knew self harm was not an option. It was something I was done with, or so I thought. I don’t have a desire to do it again. In saying that though I need to keep saying to myself “I do not want to cut again” until these scars heal and fade. Well that’s if they do fade. I need to remind myself of how bad it is to do and how it solves nothing. There is always substitutes for self harm. I could write a blog instead. I could try and busy my mind with something like a video game so I’m not thinking about what is wrong with me.

I am more than just thankful of the support that I do have. I have friends who really care about me and they worry about me. They were concerned when I had done this to myself and to be honest I was concern for myself. I was worried I would do something worse to myself. I need to listen to the advice of my friend Dexter, who is the best friend I could ever ask for and I miss that I don’t get to seem him everyday like I used to. He’s also skilled at noticing when there is something wrong with me when I’m being quieter than usual. He said to me earlier when he called me that I need to “go be a college student. Take care of myself and forget about caring other people for a while.” He’s right, he’s so right. I feel like I haven’t felt like a college student since first semester of 1st year. Since I had developed so many friendships going into second semester of 1st year, I let everything to do with college go out of my mind and I focused so much on caring about my friends. Yes, I still submitted all my work and made it this far,but I’d say most of my brain power over the last year has been used to care and be concerned about my friends. I wasn’t actively doing things to help my friends but I was always worried about them constantly. I think I need to take a break and switch that part of my brain off for a while. Ok well not switch it off but let’s pretend like it’s a dimmer switch and it’s currently at 100% so  I need to turn it down to about 40% for a little while. I need to focus on my college work this semester and bring up my GPA because it took quite a hit after failing an exam. Then also, I obviously need to try and cut myself some slack and allow myself to make some mistakes and also to try different opportunities because I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing with my life. I don’t really know what I’m trying to achieve with the course I’m doing. I honestly picked it because it sounded fun. I do have an interest in media as well but it just looked fun to do. I need to really try and find what I’m good at and try and work that into as much of my college work as I can in order to make it a bit easier for myself.

Why So Serious?

I’ve been told for years that I am serious. This was always meant in a bad way. I was always “too” serious and unable to take a joke. First of all boy (because it was typically boys who told me this) please explain to me how your  way of making me feel like complete shit is in any way a joke. I like to think of myself as someone well versed in comedy and what is and is not a joke. Those boys never made good jokes,  and very rarely they actually made something that could constitute as a joke. I went home crying in floods of tears while they went home laughing each day because once they had berated me for not “getting” the “joke” they would laugh their ass’ off all the way home. I was only in primary school and I was forced to go through this and my friends at the time were no help whatsoever. They even laughed along with those guys most of the time. They too would tell me either to lighten up a bit or laugh it off. They wouldn’t listen when I told them how the guys’ comments hurt me. They told me I was over-exaggerating and that those comments weren’t that mean so it’s impossible for you to actually be upset by them. Aren’t friends really something? This being the beginning of when I started to believe that no emotion or opinion of mine had any validity. 

It’s also why it took me so long to tell friends I made in the future anything that was wrong with me. I was scared of any friends I made. To me I felt like they could be the bullies if I gave them the opportunity but by bottling up all my emotions I never did. I realise now since sharing all my emotions with them, that they aren’t bullies they understand and accept my feelings and want to make me feel better. Although I still get worried that a friend could snap into that bully mode, intentional or not. Most jokes amongst friends are pretty much insults said in a way to make it funny i.e “It’s funny ’cause it’s true.” So either way if they do I might not notice straight away. 

I go into my serious mode when I am forced to. For the most part I am not serious at all I will laugh at the stupidest jokes and innuendos. When I’m alone I’m actually the goofy person I wish I could show myself as to others. I’m forced to get serious when I’m upset or offended. It’s a way to hide the fact that I’m probably on the verge of tears. I have always put up this front since I was about 6 so that no one would ask me the awkward question of what is wrong and for me to explain and for them to either not understand or just brush it off. If this serious thing is forced upon me by an unplanned occasion of someone causing me increased anxiety or upset, I can turn into one of the coldest,bitchiest people ever. I give very quick one word answers, or sometimes I won’t talk at all (Good luck trying to decifer when my quiet spells are related to this state). 

I tried to hold onto my naivety for as long as possible and I did but I felt like this seriousness aged me more than any scandalous or inappropriate thing could have. While I was naive, I was pretending for my sake. I actually knew a lot. No one needed to know how much I actually knew. When I was serious I always felt like a parent or a teacher. I very rarely used to get told that it wasn’t that I was overly serious, I was just mature. Well whatever you wanted to call it I felt like I was babysitting people for free for 12 years. I was usually the youngest or nearly the youngest in my class groups. I had to look past things that I didn’t agree with because I hated confrontation. I had to always try and be the bigger person (I’ve had weight issues since the age of 8 or 9 and was an early bloomer so it was very easy for me to be physically the bigger person). Anytime I lost my temper… wait I should change that.  Anytime I LOSE my temper I get laughed at. I still feel like I’m not allowed to get angry over things. Even as a child any temper tantrums I had were cut short by my mother. Even later on in life I was never allowed to express the emotion of anger in front of her without being given out to. Anger is one of the worst feelings to keep bottled up. Kids are supposed to throw tantrums and you denying them of that stunts their emotional growth so much. I had to hit myself when I was angry. It left no damage to anything and it wouldn’t make a loud thud when I would slap myself across the face, punch myself in the stomach or beat drum sticks off my thighs and shins. Luckily I don’t do that any more I just punch walls now the odd time. As in I’ve done it like 3 times and the worst time was when I was drunk and so uncontrollably angry. I’m trying not to make a habit of it. 

Being the “mature one” at such a young age helped me a lot intellectually I think but not so much fun wise. All my friends would be climbing trees and I would be too afraid to. So while they climbed I would walk around beneath the branches they were on saying “If you fall don’t say I didn’t warn you. Don’t come crying to me when your leg is broken”. Essentially I felt like the mom of the group although it was usually only when it came to safety not when it came to emotions. I would just sit there and listen intently if my friends ever had a problem I would rarely ever ask them what was wrong and if there was something I could do to help. I had no one who was like that for me and we didn’t really learn stuff like that in school so I didn’t understand how to deal with stuff like that. I still haven’t really learned. 

2016: Despite Everything, I Ain’t Down Yet!

I know we are all on the same page that 2016 was a bitch of a year, especially in respect to celebrity deaths. We lost so many famous faces and for the first time in 3 years some of these deaths hit me very hard. They weren’t just celebrities, they were creative influences, icons, and really phenomenal people. Alan Rickman passed away early on in the year and I felt really morose because he was a big part of my life. The first Harry Potter film was released when I was 3 and I think I saw it for the first time shortly after when it was released on VHS because I was too young to go see it in the cinema. His character when I was younger scared me quite a bit but that was only because he reminded me of my teachers which I was frightened of. By the time the 3rd movie came out and I found his character to be more like a protective figure than just a strict professor, I started to like his character and him a lot more. I used to watch behind the scenes videos and always see him laughing with the other actors on set. I don’t have many examples other than the Harry Potter films to base this off of but I really admired him as an actor. The death that effected me the most this year was that of Christina Grimmie in June. I had watched her videos for years and although at the time of her death I only rarely ever watched her videos, I would always go back and check in every now and again and smile when I saw her name in articles about her touring. I really hoped when I saw that she had died that it was a hoax. I was really hoping it was a death hoax. When I found out that it wasn’t I felt choked up and I was speechless. It took me hours to get my thoughts together on it. I cried for a long time, the only other time I had cried at a celebrity death at that point was Cory Monteith’s in 2013. I went back to her YouTube channel and listened to all the songs that I loved hearing her sing. Of course that only extended my crying fest. I really looked up to her, I even tried learning how to play piano because of her. Granted my skills are basic on the Yamaha keyboard I got one Christmas that I failed to attempt until I watched her videos years after receiving it.  Recently the deaths of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds have upset me quite a bit. More so Debbie Reynolds. I have developed a love for Carrie Fisher since watching a few of video of her like her special ‘Wishful Drinking’, her interviews, and reading some of her quotes on mental health. I never watched Star Wars or anything she was in so I had less of a connection to her. However, I really respect her as a person and how strong she was. It makes me want to try and keep fighting through and battling my mental illnesses as best I can. Debbie Reynolds has always reminded me of my grandmother, and my grandmother is my absolute favourite family member. I first saw Debbie in the film Halloweentown which was released the year I was born, so it’s always been on TV when I was growing up. I loved her portrayal of Aggie Cromwell. As in she was the only character I really cared about for the most part. I would only really pay attention when she was on screen. I have since see some clips from some of her films in her early career like ‘Singing in the Rain’,’Tammy and the Bachelor’ and ‘The Unsinkable Molly Brown’. In ‘Molly Brown’ she sings a song called ‘I Ain’t Down Yet’ hence where the title of this blog comes from. Seeing all these gave me more respect and appreciation for her. When I found out she died I got really upset and I cried for a bit. Then because I was feeling overwhelmed I went outside for a cigarette and I broke down again while I was outside and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

That’s as much as I’m going to get into talking about what happened in the world because I think enough people have given out about Trump and all the other shit that this year had to offer. I’m going to reflect back on how this year was for me. I think the best way for me to describe it is that it’s been the best bad year I’ve ever had, because no year for me is ever good. This year brought many amazing people and opportunities into my life but it was also a very difficult year for me. First off I’m going to reflect on the New Years Resolutions I made last year. The first one was to lose weight and I think I actually did that. I did starve myself a bit but I had been doing for that in 2015 too but I guess it worked out better this time. I’ve since stopped that and worked on just have smaller meals spaced out instead of skipping two meals a day. My next one was to be a good P.R.O for the Radio Society and I think I did that. I mean we made it to BICS and one of the awards we were going for was heavily reliant on my work. Although we didn’t win the experience at the BICS Awards was amazing and I would love nothing more than to go back again in 2017, so here’s hoping!! My next resolution was to talk more on radio and I definitely did that. In February, my friend Jodi had me on her radio show to talk about my role as P.R.O. and I think that is still the best show I have ever recorded on radio and I’ve done a good few at this point. I was very sarcastic but I wasn’t being too harsh and I just had a good time doing that show. I think it really highlighted how much I had come out of my shell since starting college a few months prior.  I had only really just become good friends with Jodi around that time too so it made the whole atmosphere a lot more enjoyable because we got on very well and I could talk to her easily enough, which is my main problem when talking on radio I’m not a good conversationalist normally. The last of the main resolutions was for me to be a better friend and now this had two parts to it. The first part being more for myself to talk to my friends more and not be afraid to call them or message them if I had a problem that I needed to talk to someone about or else just to talk to them because I wanted to. I’m always afraid that I will be bothering them so I just never do. This is something I haven’t improved upon this year at all. I will still sit in my room and feel really alone even though it could easily be fixed if I talked to someone. The other part of that resolution was for me to actively be a better friend. Make sure I complimented my friends more, let them know how important they are to me, help them with anything and stress the point to them that they could talk to me about anything. That part of the resolution I really think I did a lot better on. Like I say in almost every blog I write, nothing makes me happier than seeing someone I care about smile or laugh. Selfishly I always want to be the reason for that, but even if I’m not who cares because they are happy and that is more important than anything. One of my resolutions that I was trying to continue from 2015 was to be funnier and while I do think I try a bit hard sometimes, I think the jokes I make are coming to me a lot more naturally and I know my friends in college well enough at this point to make jokes that really cater to them. I felt a lot more accepted than I did last year. For first semester of college I felt a bit out of place for a while but I felt like I really found my place in second semester.

I think I would attribute that to being on the radio society committee. I felt like I had a voice. I felt kind of in charge. I know I wasn’t chairperson or anything but I did strike a bit of fear into our chairperson. He saw me when I was extremely stressed and angry when it came to filling out forms for BICS. It’s nice to know that Dexter is still a a bit scared of me even though we don’t work on the committee together anymore. He helped me the most this year through everything. Through the stress of those forms and through my anxiety attacks. He always asked me if I was ok. He always wanted to make sure I was happy. He also never wanted to let me down, which I don’t think he could possibly ever do. This semester though he’s really been there for me when I needed him which is both great and awful. Great, because I really needed him. Awful, because he’s going to be gone the next 8 months. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. He was much too good to me, at times when I didn’t even deserve it. I could have yelled at him about something and instead of getting angry back he wouldn’t say anything for a while and when I calmed down he’d asked me what was really wrong. I usually just said stress with assignments. Since I have dedicated an entire blog to him recently I will end my praises with one final thing. Dexter, I cherish our friendship so much and I can’t wait for you to kick ass as station manager of Wired FM.

I also became better friends with Stan this year. I really appreciate his humour and I think we just get on really well. We’re the two in our class who don’t do our work until last minute. We skip a lot of the same classes and we can be bad influences with each other and convince the other to also skip the class. I actually learn a lot from him, whether it’s pop culture, sports, social or political issues, there’s always something. He’s the person I tell everything to even when he’s tired of hearing me go on about the same things time and time again. He gives me shit for it sometimes but I know it comes from a place of caring.

I want to take a minute to thank my roommates, or housemates whatever you want to call them. I’m very grateful for you putting up with me, your support and thank you with dealing with me when I’m acting crazy. You girls make me laugh so much and ye made the transition of moving out of home so much easier. I promise that this year I will help clean more, I know I wasn’t helping out a lot. Thank you for being good friends to me and I’m looking forward for these last few months until we all move out in May. I dread that day so much, so for now let’s just live in the moment and have a good time in Apartment 8 aka the best apartment in Oakfield!!

Someone who I feel like I’ve spent most of my time with this year is Jodi. Seeing as I had maybe a total of like 4 conversations with her this time last year, it sort of surprised me a little. To be fair, I think the best friendships always happen unexpectedly. I expect that all that time spent with me she is probably glad to have a break from me at the moment.  I know you’ll be super busy this semester so feel free to tell me fuck off at any point.  Also remember that if you want to talk to me about anything I’m always there and don’t you dare apologize again for crying in front of me, if something is upsetting you let me be there to listen and/or turn those tears in laughter asap.Since you make me laugh so much, because I think you’re hilarious, I think I should try and return the favour! As part of one of my New Years Resolutions I want to let go of my fear of embarrassing myself so if me doing something that would embarrass myself in some way would make you laugh I’ll do it. I’m embarrassed by a lot of things, so girl you have a lot to choose from. (I can also be hired for small parties and corporate functions.) Also I’m sorry for when I was being a massive bitch and upsetting you during the year, well it really during the past few months. I will spend this year making it up to you and making sure I don’t do anything like that again.

While this year has had many highlights like the BICS Awards, Sports and Socs Ball, College Ball, Pink Training, March for Education etc., there has been some bumps in the road. My mental health went to absolute shit this year and I mean to the point where I was like “Who is this crazy bitch?” I’ve had I think about 4 fully fledged anxiety attacks this year and they’ve all happened in college. I’ve probably had a lot of little ones which I either had when I was alone or else I kept it to myself so no one knew anything was wrong. I started cutting myself in about May or June and continued to do so up until September on my first night out of Freshers Week where my friend started crying so much because of what I had done to myself.  She was also fairly drunk and is prone to crying a lot anyways but I would still like to lessen that happening as much as I possibly can. I knew if I stopped that it would make sure that an incident like that wouldn’t happen again. So I did stop and I haven’t cut myself since. I like to compare that moment of us in the chipper where she cried at my scars to the scene in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets where Fawkes’ tears heal the massive gash on Harry’s arm caused by the Basilisk. Not that my scars healed immediately but had I not stopped cutting at that time I probably never would have stopped. So luckily now I don’t have any permanent scars from that time, well at least not any that are easy to see. I like to think they are all gone but I can still see the faint lines on my skin, they turned into white scars which I already have enough of on my body with the stretch marks I have everywhere. I have been fairly suicidal this year not that it’s something I have talked much about. It’s not really a great topic of conversation. I’ve been doing good though like the last few weeks. Probably because I finally started using anti-depressants. I’m still trying to figure out whether they are actually helping or whether it’s like the placebo effect where I think they should help me so I feel like they are but really it’s all in head. Well technically it all is anyway, my head is where all the problems lie.

I know I haven’t really talked that much about the good things that happened during the year but most of them have been put into a blog that you can just go and read. If they’re not in a blog then they are just memories that I’m keeping to myself, in other words they are videos I recorded on snapchat of my friends that just make me happy that I have them in my life. They are just a constant source of joy and entertainment. So I’m going to talk about my resolutions for this year and let’s hope I can be better this year in some way!!

2017 Resolutions:

  1. Stop taking myself so seriously-I need to learn to laugh at myself more and get over my fear of embarrassment because it holds me back a lot. Sure there’s times where I’d love to dance around like nobody’s watching but I just don’t want to look stupid in front of people.  I need to let that go. Look stupid in front of people. Like why does there opinion matter if I’m having fun? It doesn’t. Remember that!
  2. Focus on college-Girl, I need to stay in college or I will have nothing. I love it there and I don’t want to give it up because I have difficulty focusing. Pick up the slack this semester, because repeating isn’t an option.
  3. Learn to deal with being alone-I have a fear of both abandonment and being alone. So when I’m alone, I get really depressed. I have a constant need to always be around people and when I’m not I kind of freak out, like a lot. I get inside my own head and tell myself why I’m alone “It’s because they all hate you!” Sometimes it can go to the realm of insanity where I ask myself “Are you sure there ever was people? You have actually been alone the last 18 years, you just imagined that these other people were there!” Luckily the latter thought is very rare.
  4. Work on making myself better-I think I’ve spent the last 2 years saying I will try and make myself better, but I want this to be the year where I really start doing something about it. The year is already off to a good start, so I need to try and keep it up!!

 

 

 

My Life Isn’t All That Bad!

I use these blogs as a way to vent and tell you why my life is shit. Yeah well that is what life is for everyone, it is shit. I need to remember more often that I actually have a not so bad life. I still wouldn’t say it’s like totes amazeballs but I have a lot of reasons to be happy with the life I’ve been given.

Over the last numbers of weeks, I had become closer to giving up. I expected last week to be my last week ever, despite not having a suicide planned out at all. I know I need to go see someone about this but I just can’t do it. I don’t want them to tell me I’m crazy. I am afraid they will think I am a severe case and send me off somewhere that I will be hold up in for the rest of my life. Yet I have no problem telling non-professionals all my problems. Well I guess not all my problems because I didn’t tell anyone until this blog that I wanted to end my life and the want for that has been building up over the last 2-3 weeks. Why would I tell them though? What good would come out of that? If I told my friends, I would probably just make them upset and that’s the last thing I want. Newsflash to me: They do care about me and they do love me.  So let’s talk about this week and how even though there has been a few awful points to the week, something has turned my mood right around and I can’t help but feel happy.

The week started fine. All my classes were fine on Monday and Tuesday. On Tuesday we has a seminar on in the college called “Media Madness” where speakers from different forms of Media and with a load of experience and work in the area came to talk to us and answer questions. It was really interesting and I  learned a lot from them and also where I do not want to work in the future. I decided that I would go out Tuesday night and I actually had a really good night. I went pre drinking in one of my classmates house and it was really nice to have like most of our class all together.  When we were going out only half of us who were in the house left while all the others stayed in. We went out and there was only like one of the usual places open so we went there for a little bit. We left to see if the late bar that we’d usually go to was open and it wasn’t so we walked back to where we just were and I looked across the road at the ATM and I saw Jodi. I ran straight across the road and when she saw me she screamed “Sandra!!” in an excited voice and gave me a hug. We all then went back into the bar we were in earlier and stayed there for the next 2 hours. The DJ was actually playing good music for once. I got very drunk that night. I bought a few drinks out but I didn’t order any of them I just give the person ordering the money to get me whatever they’re having. I gave Jodi a €10 to get my drink so I needed €5 euro back. However drunk me thought I had given her a €20 note so I kept saying that I should get a ten back as well as the five but then well I realised that I was in fact wrong, I said I was sorry and I felt kinda bad. We were going up for a drink when Jodi and I’s song, ‘Lush Life’, came on. She noticed it before I did, which rarely happens, and she looked at me screamed and dragged me by the arm back to the dance floor. To be fair the song isn’t played all that often anymore on nights out so that made it more exciting when we heard it. Jodi hugged me a lot that night and also this week in general. What comes to mind from that night though is when we were on the dance floor and there was a guy, I think because I never looked, grabbing onto my and pulling me back and Jodi pushed his hands off and then pulled me into a hug and then asked me if I was ok. When we left the bar we walked home. Well we walked to the house of one of the third years we were out with. I went there for a little bit since it was only a short walk away from my accommodation. They were all kind of falling asleep so I decided that I would go home and that woke Jodi up a little. She was like “What? No your not. On your own? No. We’re walking with you to the corner of the estate at least.” I just told her that it was fine and they didn’t have to walk me there I could get there by myself. I was really happy on the walk home though because I was just thinking about the night and how good it really was. I was so happy actually that I started jumping and kicking my heels together. I did make a bruise on my ankle doing that but it was worth it I think.

The next day at college was not so fun. I got my sketchbook back in Media Graphics and it’s 50% of the whole module and she said mine wasn’t even worth 10%. It just really bothered me and it still does. I nearly started crying while the lecturer ripped into me for my work, or therefore lack of  work in her eyes. I only ate 3 hash browns at around 11am and then didn’t eat for the rest of the day. I wasn’t in the mood to eat. I wasn’t hungry.

Thursday was a much better day even though it was kind of stressful. I had a presentation to do and I was shaking while doing it and I don’t know why I just got really nervous. I finished college at 6 and I had to rush home and get dressed and eat before getting a taxi down to a bus that was bringing us to the Fashion Show that the SVP Society in the college was running in one of the hotels in Tralee. I ended up missing the bus and the taxi driver had to drive me out to the hotel. It cost €11 which I guess wasn’t bad but I wasn’t planning on spending that much to get out there. They had a drinks reception at before the show and I think I had about 6 or 7 glasses of champagne. Later on during the show I had a bottle of Corona  which didn’t really affect me so I was fairly sober. I actually really loved the fashion show it was really entertaining. It probably helped that I knew like half the models. When the show finished I got a drive back with Jodi and one of the other 4th years, who I will call Tab. We went back to Oakfield because there was no way anyone was going out sober. I went to my house and I hadn’t planned for that part so I drank 2 cans that were in my room that my friend left last time he was there so I need to replace those soon. I was supposed to go over to the house that Jodi and Tab were drinking in but I ended up talking to my roommate the whole time we were at Oakfield. I also had to wait for my phone to charge because it was dead after the fashion show because I kept Snapchatting the whole thing. We got a taxi to the nightclub and went in and met the members that we know in the SVP Society who organised the entire event. We probably stayed there for like 20 minutes because the music that they were playing was all shit. So we left and walked towards Hennessy’s, a late bar, which felt like the longest walk ever. Jodi had started crying because the topic of suicide had come up, but it wasn’t by me. She just kept saying “This shouldn’t happen. There is supports out there. There’s not enough being done to tell people about them.”  We had walked a bit and I said that it easily could have been me who committed suicide. She grabbed my hand and said “No it couldn’t have. Don’t say that.” I mentioned how I had been thinking about it and while I said that she wouldn’t let go of my hand. Then she walked ahead a little and Tab came over the me and put his arm around me and was like “Come here to me now, you are loved and people do care about you and it’s not just Jodi.” Then he went on to list people who care about me and he was saying just more things like that. So then, naturally, I kind of started crying. We kept walking a bit, him still with his arm around me and then I just ran up to Jodi and hugged her. I was still crying and she was like “You are loved”. I said that she is loved too, because I always feel like everyone needs to know that they are and it shouldn’t be something that they ever doubt . It was a very long hug and then she started singing “1,2,3,4,5 once I caught a fish alive. 6,7,8,9,10 then I let it go again…” I just started laughing and somehow her singing that just made me feel much better and it just made me really happy.We then went into Hennessy’s and we got a drink that Tab is always on about called a Sour Daithi, which I’ve other from other people are meant to be lethal. Tab got ordered me one and after a few sips I had him get me a second one because I liked it so much and it didn’t have a negative effect on me or anything. We danced for a bit. Jodi told the DJ that it was my 21st birthday and if he could play Fifth Harmony. He said he already played so instead he played “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” which I really like anyways so luckily my fake birthday was not ruined. We left the nightclub to go get food. We ended up seeing some of our friends in the place we spent most of the time there throwing chips at each other. Jodi, Tab and I then got a taxi back to Oakfield and went up to my apartment. I went up to my room to get something and as I went to go back downstairs Jodi was sitting on one of the steps. The two of us then went up to my room, and Tab shortly followed. I never have anyone at my house that often so I wanted to show my room off. I managed to make Jodi laugh a lot so I felt great because of that. We then went back downstairs and had a cigarette before Tab and Jodi went back to where they were staying. They gave me a hug each and I told them “Thank you both for tonight!!” I smoked another cigarette, went up to my room, put on my unicorn onesie and went to bed.

I got up Friday morning feeling completely fine. I was a bit tired but I have been like that all week. I was still really happy from the night before that was until I actually got the percent for my sketchbook in Media Graphics sent to me. I got 22% in it, meaning that if I want to pass this module I need to get at least 66% in the next submission. However, I tried not to dwell on it too much. I liked the class that I had yesterday. It was Radio Production 1 and I love my lecturer for it. We were dividing into groups for our half hour radio show projects. We weren’t all in so when I joined one of the groups my lecturer saw that I was in a group with people who are more Tv/Film orientated and said “Ok good you have a radio person, someone who knows how to work the desk.” I got really excited I’m never the radio person. I am as capable of doing radio as any of the other radio people in my class and I shouldn’t be looked over constantly. I even gave ideas to the group in our discussion during class that they and my lecturer were impressed with.  Unfortunately, another radio person has been added to the group so I probably won’t get my time to shine as they will more than likely take over. Oh well, maybe next time eh?

Mental Illness Take 6: What’s New?

This week has been filled with more downs than ups. However, there is moments this week that have made me smile more than I have in ages and they just make me so happy to think about. If only they weren’t overshadowed by the negativity that has surrounded me this week. This has been a very stressful week to the point where I started to bottle my emotions again. I didn’t want to tell anyone what I was really thinking. Everyone has such a busy week, no one would have had time to listen me and my problems.  The main thing that has been lingering on my mind all week is that it has been a year since I got sexually harassed on the bus home one night from college. I didn’t really tell anyone I was thinking about it because at the time that it happened and for a good few months after it, I wouldn’t stop talking about it. I don’t think anyone really understands the extent to how much that affected me and I’m afraid that no one ever will. Since being at college, and especially over the past few months, I’ve had to try and make myself laugh at sexual jokes and innuendos. I was never comfortable with them and never really found them funny. Now I actually do find them funny, for the most part. There is jokes that I will make but it’s more because I know it will make someone else laugh because it’s really witty and quick. Also I like the look on Jodi’s face when I make certain jokes of an explicit nature because it’s really my motivation to keep saying things like that. Also it reminds me that I am actually intelligent. I’ve felt like an idiot my entire life but the friends I have at college make me feel as though I’m actually not stupid. They believe that I deserve to be at college. They have faith in me getting my assignments done and it’s always nice to  know that someone thinks you can succeed when you maybe having doubts about what you’re really capable of.

While I have now gotten used to these kinds of jokes, it doesn’t mean that the topic of sex and all things related to that is something I’m used to or like to talk about. I don’t mind of someone talks about it but in certain situations don’t expect me to want to listen. The way that some people talk about it make me want to physically get sick and I do need to walk away when theses things conversations get too much. I’m not sorry that I need to leave. At least I have the decency to leave instead of telling you to shut the fuck up because sometimes it gets so much that I nearly would do that. It’s worse depending on how I’m feeling that day too.  The last few weeks have been nothing but stress, anxiety and insecurities. Last week was the midterm and usually when I am away from my friends I get fairly depressed and there’s nothing I can really do about it, I just have to sit around and wait for it to pass. Luckily last week, while I had some dark days but not for the whole week. I just tried to focus on getting back to Tralee and getting to escape my parents. I was counting down the days until I got to go back and I left on one of the earliest buses I could. I was really happy to back with all my roommates on Sunday night, and I felt for the first time in over a week that I could breathe. I didn’t feel like at any moment the walls would start closing in on me, which seems to be the only way I can describe my week at home as feeling like. My mom wasn’t suffocating me and trying to get my attention all day everyday but it wasn’t any bit relaxing to be at home except for the fact that I could sleep for as long as I wanted to. While I was tired at the start of the week and needed to catch up on sleep I had missed, I think I slept extra to avoid having to interact with my family.  I know that sounds bad probably but ever since getting the independence of moving away from them, I find my parents to be very pushy with me doing things like last Thursday when I was forced to go clothes shopping. If I was a “normal” girl maybe I would be jumping for joy at the thought of going shopping and having my mother buy what I wanted so long as it was no more than €50, which in Penneys could get you a lot of clothes. I ended up getting a short Ramones top, which I probably won’t where for a long time, a green woolly jumper, and a Harry Potter pajamas. I hate shopping in Killarney. I don’t know why but I always feel really self conscious there as if everyone is looking at me like I have a giant arrow above my head that says “Mentally Unstable”. I get extremely anxious being in that Penneys. I also feel the same way about the TK Maxx in Killarney too. I have been to both shops in Tralee over the last month and I don’t have the same feeling towards them. I don’t feel anxious when I walk in. I think it’s very easy to hate where you’re from because it’s either “boring” or “nothing ever happens here”. I’ve hated where I live for a good portion of my life and if I ever say that to anyway I’m labelled as selfish because how could I hate a place as beautiful as Killarney.  Hate might be a strong word but I do have an immense dislike for the place. More so where I actually live. Home is where you should feel safe and secure. I can’t remember ever feeling like that in my home growing up. My estate was never a safe place. My house wasn’t even safe. Every day and night all the awful, menacing kids (Yes, I have always had a mentality of an 80 year old) would always congregate outside my house. Days on end filled with screaming, yelling, teasing, playing, would make me feel trapped inside my own house. I never wanted to go outside the front of my house when they were around because I was afraid they’d hurt me or start bullying me. They had threatened and teased me before so I always had a constant fear that one day when I was alone in the house that they would break in and would beat me and/or kill me. Bear in mind I have live in the same house since I was born and I started to get scared like this when I was about 5. It was also at that age that I started learning to ride a bike and so one day I was riding it in front of my house and a girl who lived in my estate, who was a little younger than I was, pointed and repeated over and over “BIG EARS! BIG EARS!DUMBO!DUMBO!” I had my hair tied in pigtails. To this day I always have to have my hair long enough to cover my ears and I refuse to cut it any shorter because I’m self conscious about my ears. It’s the main reason as to why I never got my ears pierced because earrings would have just drawn even more attention to them.There was always things being flung at our house, not always intentional but let’s be really it probably was always intentional I just refused to believe that these kids like to inflict panic in another kid who was afraid to do anything and would crawl on the ground when going passed windows in case they were outside and they saw me. It’s not like that anymore but I can’t help to feel nervous that it would happen again. I tend to call both my actual house in Killarney and my apartment in Tralee “home”. I think it’s just a force of habit but if one fit the definition of what a home truly is, I think that the apartment takes the cake.

This week probably started to go downhill when I pulled an all-nighter on Tuesday night and went to be at half 6 only to get up less than an hour later to go to college. I was trying to get work done while simultaneously watching the results of the US Presidential Election Results, which was stressful in itself. However, this night wasn’t bad the only bad thing was that I was getting no sleep and would thus affect me for the rest of the week. Jodi was also pulling an all-nighter so I saw her a couple of times throughout that night. She called me to come over and look at the work that she had done at around 3 am. I went over and after looking at the progress she had made, I stayed over there for over half an hour while she looked through the entirety of the TicketMaster website to see what she could find. We went from looking at Robbie Wiliams tickets, to Nathan Carter Tickets, and from Swan Lake tickets to Dracula on Ice tickets. We then proceeded to watch a video on YouTube called “30 songs you definitely known but don’t know the name of”. I was worried that from watching that we would get into a spiral of watching a load of those types of videos we watched about two. The whole time I was over there we were just laughing the entire time and I don’t know if it was because of the lack of sleep we were both experiencing or the fact that we are both just hilarious. I would like to think it’s the latter. We then went out for a cigarette in the freezing cold and then we hugged, said goodnight and she went to bed while I stayed up trying to keep working but struggling to keep focused. Later on that morning, when I woke up after my 40 minutes of sleep, I find out that Trump actually became president of the US. I still thought I was asleep and really hoped that this was some nightmare, but unfortunately was not part of some fictitious dream but a part of reality that will greatly affect the world for the next 4 years and possibly longer. I can only deal with a certain amount of political talk. I had the great fortune of a sitting around for a few hours with actual Trump supporters inside in the radio studio. I had to keep leaving to go smoke because I was getting so irritated and annoyed mostly because I didn’t get sleep and I really wanted Hilary to win and I’m sick of hearing people trying to justify Donald Trump by saying “You know he actually has some really good policies!” Just shut the fuck up I don’t give a shit. Feel free to think that by all means but don’t expect me to want care about your bullshit political stance.

Thursday is when everything became to much, which is really starting to become a trend.. Shit always seems to go down on Thursdays. I skipped my 11am class because I had to pick an idea for a film project and write a 500 word brief on it by 5pm. I had no clue what to write and it took me hours to pick something. I finally got my idea and I was like “Yeah it’s going to a soap opera version of this play”. I was writing away fine and then one of the lads walks in a sense “Well your film is going to have been amazing because that lecturer hates soap operas!” I slammed my laptop shut and said “What is the point of me even trying?” I was so angry I had the urge to punch the brick wall in the talk studio but I decided against it. Later on when it was only an hour away from when we were supposed to have our 4pm class, which was later cancelled, I still wasn’t done writing my film brief. Derek and I got called into the radio studio to film our segment for our Bang Fm informational video. I messed up my line the first time because I was trying to rush and get through it as quickly as possible. Derek was then like “Do you want me to just say it all?” I was told him yeah that he could just say it all. Then he was did the same way and paused after what would’ve been his line and as if I was supposed to say mine so I was like “I thought you said you were going to do it?” Then he started laughing and so did the other 3 guys in the room. So I stormed out the door and nearly started crying and I got to the R Block and realised I had nowhere to go because I couldn’t smoke because I left my cigarettes in the studio. So I went back and walked straight into the talk studio to where my laptop was and punched the brick wall 3 times with my right hand. I told the lads that I refuse to do to video and Derek can just record it himself. I went back to work. I wanted to get it finished because there was a cool driving simulator thing on campus that day and I wanted more than anything to go over there but I had no time to. Jodi was returning from being over at the driving simulator thing and was walking to the talk studio smiling at me and saw that I was not happy and walked in and immediately was like what is wrong? I explained it to her and she kind of said things that I didn’t really appreciate much until a few hours later. She was reassuring me that I would get my work done. When I asked her a question as to what more I could write her answer actually did help. Then even she though she had just been out for a cigarette she went back out for one when I asked if she would go with me for one. She even understood how much my near crying fit and storming off was brought on and worsened by the lads all laughing at me.  I eventually got my work done and my knuckles on the hand that I punched the wall with began to bruise. I got home earlier than normal on a Thursday since my class was cancelled and ended up going for a nap, which is something I hardly ever do but I really needed one. I got up for a while and went to bed at around 1am and as soon as I laid in bed with my phone off I started to have sleep paralysis again. I think I’ve had it a total of like 5-7 times in the 2 months, and it’s been my first time ever having sleep paralysis when it started September.

Today, as in Friday, was a lot better. I was afraid that the lads would be angry at me for not doing the video and refuse to talk to me but they didn’t seem to hold a grudge. It was the Open Day at the college so we had a busy day ahead of us. Unfortunately I had a shortage of cigarettes for the day and it made the day feel way longer than it actually was. I got some good photos but due to my lack of sleep and the slowness of my computer it can wait til the morning to work on them. I wouldn’t say I did a whole lot today but the atmosphere around the college was nice except I was a little panicked at the amount of people but I tried to ignore it and it worked. I gave a sigh of relief though when the crowds had all disappeared and the halls were fairly empty again. I walked over to Jodi in the hall before she left and she looked at me and said I looked happier today. I was kinda like “I don’t know, I guess so…” She then gave me a hug and it was a long hug, for once. Due to the fact that my brain and every part of my feels like it’s trying to do anything and everything and work at a mile a minute, I think that the hug slowed down all the thoughts and electrical impulses that were being sent from my brain. I couldn’t remember the last I really felt a hug. Most of the time recently I was never mentally present for a hug I would be distracted, but this time was different. I could hear her heartbeat which by right I should hear most of the time when I hug her but I guess I just never pay attention. Then she started singing something and then when after the hug I smiled and said to her “Well I’m definitely happy now!” Never underestimate how much a hug can mean to someone. Also the fact that she noticed my change in mood before I was even aware of it. I didn’t realise that I actually was in a better mood than I was the day before until she said it.

It Was The Best Of Times,It Was The Worst Of Times!

I’ve been a having one of the most stressful,tiring,amazing,awful,interesting weeks of my life. The week started off with me pulling two all-nighters in a row on Sunday night and Monday night until I finally went to sleep at half 6 Tuesday morning. I didn’t think I was going to wake up and you know what the thought didn’t scare me I didn’t care if I woke up I slept until 5 past 1 in the day, I didn’t have class until two and even though I made it in I didn’t go because I still hadn’t finished the work I stayed up those two nights doing. I got into the studio and I made it clear to one of the guys in there that I had work to do so I would like to be left alone. I had to say it in the nicest way I could because even though I was super stressed I was still able to remember that other people have feelings and if I yelled “Fuck off” at them they might have gotten upset so I couldn’t do it. Anyways he didn’t leave me alone. After I told him I had work to do he came in two more times. Upon his first re-entrance he made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt genuinely scared. He walked in, closed the blinds and said “Do you like sitting in the dark?” I just told him “I don’t really care.” What I wanted to say was “I don’t fucking know I’m trying to work here and I guess I don’t have a choice because you’re the one who went and closed them . I think you’re the one who likes sitting in the dark don’t drag me into this I don’t have time.” I sent Jodi a snap that was sarcastic but I just needed to tell someone immediately upon him leaving the room because I felt really weird after that interaction. After I sent the snap too he came back in and open the blinds and then left again and never came back in. Jodi responded anyways and she text me to give her a ring. So I did and talking to her made me feel a bit better, she was only on her way into college at that time. She said she was walking to the bus and I was like “You’re on the way into college? Yayyyy!” When she got to college she went into the room that I was in and talked to me for a bit while I did my work and it actually helped me get more work done and she knew that it would. Not only was I getting work done but I was feeling less stressed talking to her.

Before she got to college, when I first started doing work I punched one of the walls in the studio. It might seem to some people now that I’ve developed or have an anger problem. Well the truth is I’ve always had one but due to my mother’s constant restrain on my expression of anger, I’ve had to bottle up too much anger for far too long. It’s seems really aggressive to punch a wall, I know, but I find it similar to cutting. It’s just a method of self-harm to me. I would never think about hitting something I know I would break. I seem to have no problem hitting something that could break me. I would never hit someone unless they attack me first and I’m just using self defense. I’d rather feel 100% pain all the time both mentally and physically if it meant no one else had to feel even an ounce of pain ever.

Since I skipped my 2hr class that started at two to do work, I had some time off so I spent it in the studio with Jodi and a few others. I was supposed to have a 2hr class starting at 4 but I didn’t feel up to going. I missed a lot of classes this week and it probably makes it seem that I don’t care about my course. I fucking care I just wanted to avoid having an anxiety attack which I knew I’d get if I tried to sit through some of those classes. I have had a cold for the past two weeks. I never missed any classes because of it. If I did I’m no one would say anything. So if anyone dares say anything about me missing classes this week because I didn’t feel up to it mentally, you can go fuck yourself. At about quarter past 4 Jodi and two of the guys who also do our course, were going for a drive down to Manor West. I decided to go with them and when we were walking through the dirt carpark at the back of the college, I slipped and fell because it was really muddy. For once I didn’t immediately pull my knees to my chest and try to hide my head. I didn’t feel nearly as much embarrassment as I should have. It made me feel like I was starting to feel for the first time since I was a child comfortable to be able to not get embarrassed in front of someone I’m friends with and just laugh it off. I don’t know if I’ve ever laughed off something like though. This might have been a first. It made me feel good about myself. I was developing in some way. I thought it was a sign that I was starting to get slightly better. The whole day on Tuesday I was being extra funny, or at least trying to be funnier than usual. I made people laugh a lot throughout the day and that is my favourite thing to do so I was happy. I went home that evening and my housemates as well as a few of my other friends who live in Oakfield and I were having a few drinks in the house because we all had a stressful few days and we needed it. We were trying to watch a movie on Netflix but after a long time of trying to decide Anchorman 2 ended up being put on. I couldn’t stay up to watch much of it because I had to get up extra early the next morning to go to a protest in Dublin.

On Wednesday 19th October, I went on my first protest. I loved it. I loved it. I LOVED IT!!! I didn’t care how early I had to get up. I didn’t care that I got about 3 and a half hours of sleep, I was ready to go. I got a drive up to the bus luckily I really didn’t want to walk up in the dark. I got to to sit next to Stan on the bus which was great because we both were just making jokes the whole time  and we both knew that we were really interested in this protest and were both glad that people who weren’t interested or didn’t care, stayed at home because they would have killed our excitement. They would have complained constantly. They wouldn’t have taken it seriously. I liked the drive up to Dublin and then once we got to the city I was just looking around in awe at a city a know very little about. I had been to Dublin a total of two times before Wednesday, to go to the zoo when I was 8, and to go to the airport two year ago. Both times I went before, I hardly saw the city. We quickly met up with the crowd filled with students, parents, lecturers, from all over the country. We were all united fighting for something that we feel strongly about, our RIGHT to education. Before we even started the march I started getting teary-eyed at what was happening, what I was doing and that I was actually doing it. I get really panicky in massive crowds but for some reason being in the middle of that crowd just felt right. I was shouting all the chants along with everyone else and getting really inspired by how passionate so many people were about it. I wasn’t even tired after the walk, my legs felt fine and I could still breathe. When we got to the end of the march there was stage where a few people made speeches. There were all really good but the one I can’t get over is the one by Annie Hoey, the President of the USI. I think it was the best speech I’ve ever heard in my entire life and I clung onto every word of it. The more the speech went on the louder her voice got. She ended the speech with one of the main chants “What do we want? Education! When do we want it? Now!” We did that about three times and then she ends it with “THEN FUCKING FIGHT FOR IT!!!!” I cried at her speech. Once that was finished we walked up to where our bus would be turning up and went and got Starbucks. We ended up then having to wait like an extra hour for our bus to show up and another half an hour for it to go. For the most part, I didn’t mind waiting I thought it was kind of fun in a way. It was absolutely freezing but I didn’t care I was still just so incredibly happy with how the day went. We got to go to the Barack Obama Plaza in Moneygall and get food. It was all I ate that day. I went 14 hours with eating anything except a few pringles.

When I got home I was still so happy, even though I had to go try and study for my Databases exam which was the next day and I only got home at like 11 I think. The house was empty when I got home because my housemates had gone for a few drinks. They got back less than an hour after me so I went back downstairs and talked to them for a bit. I sat down and they asked me how it went and I said it was brilliant and it was the best thing ever. I was there for a while and I had this massive grin on my face and they were like “What’s got you so happy? What happened today that made you so happy? Did you get the shift or something?” I was just happy because of everything, and no I did not shift anyone still waiting for the day where that happens! I got up the next day and I was very tired. I made my way into college to hand up the journals I had spent doing during my all nighters. Then I tried to study more for my exam but didn’t have too much time since the exam was at 11. The exam went to shit about half way through and I couldn’t do it. When I finished the exam I walked out feeling really terrible and contemplated jumping over the balcony from the 2nd/3rd floor (whatever you’d call it) down to the ground floor. I didn’t do it though. I went into the studio and I kicked the soft wall, leaving a shoe dent in it. I also kicked an round orange small seat we have because I needed to get my anger out. I then went for a cigarette and smoked it in two minutes which is a new record.  I went back to the studio and sat down with my head down and one of the 4th years asked me why I was doing that and I said it was because my exam went shit. I went out for another cigarette shortly after and met Jodi in the smoking area. We walked back in together and went to the studio. Now she’s been feeling sick for all of this week and last week. During this week though whenever one of us would sit down next to her or we were just there she would ask some specific “Comfort me”. Can you guess who she never asked? She had been saying that since Monday and I think it only bothered me Thursday because I was already in a mentally unstable state. My thought process about it from that day was-Why didn’t she want me to comfort her? I mean I was sitting beside her in the union Tuesday evening and she asked someone else who sat on the other side of her after I did to comfort her. That still wasn’t what made me feel weird about it. I guess I have no idea how to comfort people or at least I must give off that vibe. I guess hugging me isn’t in any way comforting. Maybe I should stop hugging people? I mean it must make them uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter if it’s something that I really like and comforts me, I must put everyone else’s feelings before my own.

Then a few of us went into the studio and Jodi went on Facebook. Usually when she’s on it in the studio I glance through a few posts that come up in her news feed like a few weeks ago when a article for “Top 10 Harry Potter moments that will make you cry!” We both looked at each other and Jodi was like “Are we ready for this? I don’t think I am.” We started reading it but unfortunately a class came in. Anyways back to present day. On Thursday this wasn’t the case because all the seats near the desk were taken so I sat on the window sill that is near the desk but it the computer Facebook is on is impossible to see when sitting there. So I sat there thinking about everything that was going wrong with me and trying to figure out what was happening. Simultaneously I was trying to scratch lines across my arm using the sharpest finger nail I could find. It wasn’t very sharp so while it did create lines it didn’t cause any loss of blood. I looked up and saw Jodi laughing at something she saw on Facebook with one of the girls in my class. I felt like Jodi was sort of ignoring me while we were in there. We eventually went out for a cigarette again. I went out to the smoking area with Jodi and the girl from my class, then the new guy in my class was out shortly after and he is vital to this story so he is getting a name in these blogs already. I’m going to call him Derek, because that’s his go to fake name. So everyone knew I was in a bad mood for most of the day and while we were in the studio before we went outside Derek asked did I want a hug. I said no. Then when we went outside and Derek was out a little bit after us, I had my back turned to the direction he was coming from so when he walked out he went up behind me and gave me a hug. I said I didn’t want a hug but all I wanted/needed was a hug. He was then saying other things to help comfort me. Jodi then said that she was trying to give me space when we had been in the studio and tried not to make eye contact with me because she wanted to take a different approach and also she thought that she was upsetting me in some way and didn’t want to make it worse. I told her that by giving me space it made it so much more worse. I also asked why she thought she was upsetting me? Like how could she have upset me, she did absolutely nothing to me!! She gave me a hug and said “I’ll never give you space again”. I’m actually fine if she does that again I would just like to know that she’s doing that next time so I don’t feel like I did something wrong. She will have to give me space at some point because she might be the one who needs the space from the negativity that radiates off me when I’m having one of my bad days. I felt guilty on Thursday that I was making the people around me sad by feeling mentally messed up, confused, and fairly depressed. I felt like I should have tried to pretend to be happy just so I wouldn’t bring anyone else down.

After we went in from the smoking area, it was just me a Derek who went into the studio. Jodi and the girl in my class entered a little after that. Derek and I went into the actual room that has the desk in it as opposed to just the entrance part that Jodi stayed in before she had to leave. Already in the desk room was the guy who did the creepy curtain thing to me on Monday and Misty, one of my favourite 3rd years. I was sitting there starting to cry and they were all concerned. The curtain guy started saying stuff like “I really wish I had you as a sister instead of my two I have because they are just social media magnets”. He’s said this to me before and I wouldn’t have minded except the fact that I did absolutely nothing good. I was sitting there being a depressed, emotional, girl who was confused with everything. I replied saying “You’d rather have a depressed, anxious, confused girl instead of people who just spend all day on social media??” I didn’t understand what he was trying to get out of saying that. He then told me to just go home and cry in my room alone. First of all, the last thing I fucking needed was to be alone. Second of all, I get that can be helpful sometimes but don’t tell me what to fucking do I want to stay in college. Then he said something along the lines of “Don’t worry you’ll be grand, nothing’s wrong with you!!” Derek immediately rolled his wheely chair over to me a grabbed my hand and stroked his thumb over the top of it as a means of comfort. He then turned to curtain guy and said “You DO NOT say that to someone who’s having these kind of feelings. It makes it worse.” I started crying because of how concerned he was about me and how much he cared. Also how he was like “Do you want me to get you a bottle of coke, fanta, water etc?” I put my head in my hands and Misty came over to me a gave me a hug and said she hated seeing me upset. Then she pulled my hair back so my face could be seen. I cried again a few minutes later when Derek gave me the longest, tightest hug I’ve had in a long time. I started to feel a bit better when he put on the Grease soundtrack and starting singing to me. Grease is like the foundation  of our friendship really. It also would make anyone feel better. I wasn’t going to go class but since I started feeling better I decided to go. Also if I had stayed in the studio I would have been stuck with curtain guy.

Class was actually grand and I liked it. I went home straight after class and then hung out with my housemates and other friends in Oakfield at mine for the rest of the night. I saw Jodi later and she wasn’t there when Derek was cheering me up with Grease so she didn’t know that I was after cheering up. She said I looked like I was feeling a lot better and before she went back to where she was staying she gave me and hug. She came back again later to have a cigarette. I went to bed feeling a bit better but it was still like 2am before I went to bed so again I got very little sleep. I think the lack of sleep is really the main factor playing on all this mental shit.