Seeing Miz Cracker on Sunday night was an unreal experience. I met her and briefly complimented her work and expressed my admiration for the things she does. Her makeup looked flawless and nothing seemed real. It was like meeting a cartoon character that had come to life. I talked to some people and made some friends for the night, which is the very first time I have ever done that. It is something that makes me happy that I smoke because the friends I had for the night stemmed from one of them asking for a cigarette. Even though I went to the gig alone, which I’ve been doing a lot whenever I go anywhere or do anything lately, this time it was nice to have someone to get excited with and fan-girl about things with. I don’t get to fan-girl with people ever who are on the same level or know more about something than I do, in this case it was Rupaul’s Drag Race and the lives of the queens that have been on the show. I know a lot of people who have watched it and talk about it a little but no one ever really wants to have like a full blown conversation about it and talk in depth about it. I guess that’s what events like this and the internet are for.
The meet and greet was pretty quick and not very personal, which I knew would be the case as there was a lot of people to get through. I have to admit I was a little disappointed in that but that was quickly turned around by her performances. They felt empowering, they were funny and just all around brilliant, and I now have a great appreciation for ‘Break Free’ by Ariana Grande. She said something at the end of her last performance that made tears stream down my face, and was the only time I cried that night however I came close a few times. She was talking about how to know if a drag show is good “If you leave here feeling really comfortable with yourself and in your own body no matter what size or shape you are, that’s what makes a drag show good.” Overall, I’m glad I went to the show alone because I was able to appreciate everything without being distracted and I wasn’t with someone that wouldn’t really get these shows and how iconic certain moments really were. Miz Cracker did multiple cartwheels in heels, and did death drops and everything. I thought the cartwheels were incredible because the stage was not all that big. I also made a point when I was there not to record to much of it because 1. My phone battery is terrible and 2. I wanted to see the show with my eyes and be in the moment and not obsess about recording everything and watching it through a screen later on. The local drag queens were amazing. Since I’m friends with one of them, I’m obviously a bit biased towards him. I was so impressed and in love with all the drag queens performances last year and seeing those same queens perform again this year just made me love them even more. I went up to one of them later on after the show and complimented her performances, particularly her Madonna number with a few outfit changes because it was amazing. She was really sweet and grab my hand before I left and seemed genuinely touched by my sentiments. I was really glad I went over to her when I saw her because I thought about not going over but then thought I’d regret it and I think it’s important to tell people when you like something they do and let them know they are definitely doing something so right. I knew I’d regret it if I hadn’t gone over to her so I’m happy that I did and even happier in my character development that I actually went over and did that especially without having to get someone to hype me up or convince me that I should. It was something I did all by myself and I think it is bringing about the change I wanted this summer to bring to me, which I will delve more into later on in this blog.
As for the rest of my time in Cork, it was equally as incredible. I got to spend a lot of time with friends that I haven’t seen or really talked too much for nearly three months. For the first time, in a very very long time, I felt like I was wanted and that I was part of the group instead of just dead weight not contributing to the group dynamic. It’s been so long since I felt like I fit in somewhere and didn’t stick out like a sore thumb. However, like with every social interaction with friends I ever have, I find or make up so many negatives in my head that stand out more than the positives or at least stand out for a few hours and are especially heightened by intoxication. Every negative I came up with all had to do with me and the way I interpret things. I can honestly say that I was very aware of what my mind was doing and that nobody said or did anything wrong to me and in realizing that, mostly the next morning when I woke up, it made me feel more able to deal with that in the future and that I can get over this bump in the road that has affected me for years and years. I lot of these negative things revolve around what I wish someone would say to me. This could be anything from a simple compliment, or what more often tends to be the case, reassurance. Which in evaluating that whole day, I got all those things. I felt so reassured everyday that I was with friends and that they wanted me there and everything and everyone was so nice, I’m just not used to that more so lately and I think my mind got defensive and paranoid to try and figure everything out. I don’t know if this thought process has to do with past friendships, which is very likely, or just my social anxiety and paranoia that makes me very afraid that I’ll lose a good friend and therefore need reassurance every now and again that everything is all good. I did get that yesterday, so much, through little things and conversations that I didn’t realize immediately because they weren’t straight up obvious things like someone telling me “You are wanted, everything’s good with us.” I think I’m so stupid sometimes because I need that spelled out for me with obvious statements like that, but luckily later on I can look back and realize that it was right there in front of me and I have nothing to be scared of.
When I got back to my hostel after the night out my brain was in a frenzy and was all over the place. I think a common theme when I get home drunk lately is having an existential crisis. That night, my mind kept trying to decide whether I’m too good for this world or if the world is too good for me. A lot of this came down to me feeling like I give so much of myself to people and feel like my efforts either aren’t appreciated or they just go unnoticed. I have an example from that night but before I get into it, I don’t think it really deserved any sort of appreciation now but at the time I felt like I was putting myself in danger to look out for the safety and well-being of my friends. I can say now that what I did was kind of stupid, very impulsive, and maybe unnecessary to do but I just care so much about making sure everyone else is okay that I don’t think about my own safety because I’m so focused on theirs. At the end of the night my group split up, we’ll call them group 1, the group I went with, who went off to get food, and then group 2 who were still in the nightclub when we left talking to a few people in there. I just went with group 1 because I assumed group 2 would be along shortly and I knew where all of group 1 was so I knew I’d be safer sticking with them as I didn’t know how long group 2 would be inside. As we were walking to the takeaway, I remember that group 2 probably wouldn’t know where they’re going. I didn’t want any food so when group 1 went into the takeaway I took off and made my way back to find group 2. I even ran a bit but that was to make up for the one or two wrong turns I made in trying to get back to the nightclub. Anyway, I found them and we made our way back to the others and that was that.
I guess this was like my way of making sure everyone was going to get home safe and get home together. I’m very stubborn when it comes to making sure my friends get their taxis or lifts home before I have any intention of finding a way for myself to get home. I’ve been this way since I was a kid and when I would go to town during the day with my friends I would make sure I stayed with them until they got their lifts home so they wouldn’t be waiting alone. I like to think that me doing this is a good thing and tends to work out very positive every time. I feel like there is two types of friends , both equally important and I’m not speaking ill of one type it’s just something I’ve noticed, 1. The type who knows that you are getting separate ways home so just encourages you to get yourself a taxi and text them when you get home safe because they are making their own way home so that let’s them know you are not still wandering around a street late at night in a busy city that you don’t know too well. and 2. The type, which is what I am, that makes sure that they actually do definitely make it home and aren’t by themselves. I will say, the first type is probably to better one in terms of practicality and overall safety for everyone and it let’s the other person know that they are cared about when someone wants you to text them that you got home safe. Realistically, there should only be one stubborn person in a group because otherwise I don’t think anyone would ever get home.
The reason that this weekend meant so much and had such a massive effect on me more than just the fun time that I had, was that I have pretty much been alone and cut off from friends for the last nearly 3 months. Now, this was completely my own doing and I felt it was necessary for me to detach myself from everyone so that I could have a break from the intensity and anxiety that I feel from socializing and trying to be happy all the time or hide my negativity because I make someone else feel sad or upset. Towards the end of 3rd year, the cracks started to show and I was just a big ball of negativity all the time around everyone. I felt really needy, clingy and just overall very tense and not able to control my emotional outbursts. I usually don’t talk to people that much over summer anyways, but I would tend to message or call friends at least a couple times over the summer. I knew before the summer even started that I needed that complete switch off for myself and for my friends. I felt like if I kept going the way I was going I wouldn’t have any friends by Christmas because I think I was just being too much crazy for anyone to handle. There were times over the summer where I knew my friends were in my town and I easily could have met up with them but I didn’t because 1. I fear rejection and didn’t want to be like “Hey, you’re around, mind if I join?” and for them to say no, or say yes out of obligation or guilt. and 2. I always have a serious fear of missing out so I knew that if I could stay at home and not try to make my way to where they were and feel fine about missing out then I knew I could be better about missing out sometimes. This summer was about not being so dependent on others and trying to be by myself for a while. I will admit there was times where I got super sad and lonely and just wanted to call someone and just talk but I feel like I needed those cry sessions because I have pent up so many emotions over the last year that I needed to be able to let it out and get through it myself. I’m not saying I’m now magically cured and that I’m so much better but I’m trying to get better and right now I’m doing better and hopefully I will keep it up when I get back to college. It’s always been really draining for me, as someone with social anxiety, to be with people all the time so I never really understood why I tried so hard to put myself in situations where I would be with people so often. I think a lot of it is me trying to get to a place in friendships where we can hang out and chill and not just going on nights out. I would much rather nights in watching a movie or something, and having conversations about everything and anything with one or two friends than going out. I rarely get to have that and I can’t really remember the last time I had that, excluding when I lived in Tralee in 2nd year because it’s very easy to chat and hang out with your housemates where your living together. That in itself was wonderful and I loved it so much. Really having that back again this year should hopefully help me a lot too, as well as not having to stress about getting a bus back home from Tralee everyday. A selfish reason, in a way, as to why I detached myself from friends this summer was to give them the opportunity to miss me. I know probably goes back to the needy thing which I said I’m trying to fix, however it also goes along with I never gave the people around me space enough to miss me. I think I actually was around people so much they wished I would have given them space sooner. Overall, I think this summer’s experiment worked out for the best and now I have a lot of work to do before I go back and try to sort out what I plan to do for 4th year and all the commitments that I will have this year like societies and my FYP.