I’ve been told over the last few months, and realistically my whole life, that everything that is wrong is my fault and not the fault of others. This is particularly when it comes to my mental health and how I view situations. It’s all in my head. I’m misconstruing things. I was told this in my talk therapy session too on Friday but it was explained to me better and didn’t make me feel as awful as when everyone else has says it too me.
I’ve always been told that the only common thing in any problematic situation I get in, is me. I am the only common factor. Therefore, I need to take a good, long look at myself and fix myself because everyone else is pure and never does anything wrong. I spent most of my life being silenced. Being told that I am wrong. That I am taking things the wrong way. That I need to look at things from another perspective. Why is my perspective so bad? Why does no one ever look at things from my perspective?
I understand that having mental health issues, and having problems that relate to that means that yes, it is all in my head. Why does that mean that it is all wrong? I know more about my mental illnesses than you probably do. I am aware of when my head is the one messing things up. I openly admit that. I will preface my complaint or rant with a “I know I’m probably overthinking or over-analyzing things but…” However, there is times when I am right and you tell me I’m thinking too much about it. In thinking too much about things sometimes, I realise just how right I am. I know it should be enough for me to know this but I need people to know sometimes that they are wrong because they should know these things too in order to prevent said problem from coming up again in their lives. Learn from your mistakes and all that. I don’t like the fact that I have to fight everyone to prove that I’m right. This all probably sounds a bit self centered maybe, but I’m tired of fighting.
I got tired of fighting very early on because I’ve always had to do it. I’ve given up before and when I did I just stayed silent. I let people hurt me and destroy every part of me. Why waste my voice when nobody listens? As I’ve gotten older, I’ve tried to speak up more for myself and call out a problem if I feel it necessary to. Now, just as much or maybe even more than ever, I still get shut down when I voice my opinion on a matter. I find it extremely difficult to have my own opinion on things due to years of being silent and following the crowd. If I actually have an opinion on something now, it means a lot. I know a lot more about myself and how I function now than I did when I was younger so if something is affecting me on a level where I can’t function properly, there is a problem somewhere in this situation. I think a lot, so I will have analyzed every aspect of myself to see where I am wrong. I am always wrong, so you all tell me, so I can pick that out straight away. If I don’t find anything, it’s more than likely the cause for this problem is you. I know I can’t always be right in this judgement because that is impossible, but don’t you think it’s possible that I am right in more cases than you give me credit for?
It would be nice if you at least listened. Maybe we could even reach more a compromise. I could be right in somethings and so could you, instead of me just being wrong in everything I say. I know you never listen to me ever, and that might never change. Do you ever listen to yourself? That could change the game a little. If you actually listened to what you are saying sometimes, you might realise how wrong you can be. You are not god’s gift or something perfect, you can also be wrong. I see myself as always being wrong because that’s what I’ve always been told. So as angry and upset as I get when you tell me I’m wrong, yet again, it just ends up being another line on the tally sheet. I’m used to it. I don’t like being used to it, but that’s the truth. This is also something that would affect my mental health and how I think about things. I will always blame myself. Everything is my fault. No one can change my mind on that, only I can. Believe me, if I do something wrong to you, no matter how small it might seem, I will feel awful about it. I will make myself feel even worse about it than you might ever try to make me feel about it. If you ever give out to me about something, there is a guarantee that I will cry the second you leave the room. I know I’ve done wrong and a confrontation about it will make me feel like I have failed you and have failed the world and I will feel scared. Scared that you won’t forgive me. Scared that I won’t forgive myself. Scared about what I will do to myself. Being given out to in person, is the scariest thing for me. It affects me more than anything else. It makes me feel so many emotions and makes me feel physically sick.
If I let myself think for too long, or if I’m alone with my thoughts for too long without a distraction, I will make myself feel awful. I’ve been using Netflix over the last few days to make my brain focus on something so that my thoughts don’t focus on me. If they focus on me, they will poison me. I know a lot about my thoughts and feelings. More than most of you know about your own. I think my therapist was somewhat impressed/shocked by how much I understood about my own thoughts. I know too that I am the only one who can get myself out of a dark place and shake off any thoughts that are dark and bringing me down. No doctor or therapist can help there. I know how to pull myself out of those dark times. My problem is wanting too. I can stop cutting very easily. I don’t do it very often. I know it’s not a solution but I don’t hate doing it. I hate having to hide it but I also hate having to explain it without sounding crazy. I’m not that crazy, I’m more so troubled and damaged. I could fix myself but I don’t want to. I’m hoping through my continued therapy sessions that I find a reason or hopefully reasons, to better myself. I have no consistent or strong enough reason to fix myself. I have a reason to act like I’m fixed sometimes but acting can’t last forever. I’ve gotten tired of acting 24/7. It’s easier to stay quiet and not let anyone know how much my insides ache at every movement and how I have constant headaches as every new thought feels like I’m stabbing my brain with a blunt knife. With silence, no one can tell that every emotion I feel is like having my heart compressed until there is no more feeling in it.