1 Week of Independence: Will I Survive?

I’ve never been alone before. Correction, I’ve never been home alone without my parents for more than a couple of hours or maybe even a day. I have always been spoiled because I am the youngest. I’m nearly 2 whole months into college and seeing as I live at home, I’ve had nothing to really worry about other than college itself and assignments. Like I’ve always had my parents there to cook my meals and wash my clothes and clean the house. Whenever I am alone for a few hours, the extent of my cooking is either sticking a pizza from the freezer into the oven, or else having food that involves being heated in a microwave. I have never used the washing machine. Well that’s sort of a lie, my dad puts the washing power and the fabric softener liquid stuff into the washing machine, and then I press the buttons and when it’s done I put the important items of clothing on the clothes horse and that’s my job done until someone comes home. However, in a couple of weeks my parents are going away on holidays and I’m staying behind because I’d rather not be their caretaker while they go drinking. So I’m going to have to cook for myself and actually remember to feed both myself and my dog. Luckily I won’t have to use the washing machine because I have enough outfits to last me the week (just about).

For the most part it shouldn’t make much of a difference because I feel like I spend more time at college than I do in my own house. I need to try and limit my late evenings that week, but I also need to go to soccer practice and a possible game. There is also a society meeting that week too but I haven’t been to any meetings yet this semester so why start now? I just think that LGBT+ society just sounds daunting and I’ve enough things to worry about right now. So while I will be cooking, I’ll probably be going to fast food places for lunch some days. I don’t know though, I haven’t bought lunch in college in a while, even days when I’ve had soccer or just staying late after college. I did have an energy bar one day before practice don’t worry. If I do happen to get hungry I just get a packet of hunky dorey’s from the vending machine. One thing that makes me incredibly anxious is order food, be it in a fast food place where you go up and tell them what you want, or especially when being a restaurant when someone comes over to take your order and serves and constantly checks up on how your meal is. I hate eating in front of people too so needless to say I rather get take away’s so that the only person that can judge me for eating is my dog. In 6th year, my mom wouldn’t have gotten a roll for my lunch the odd couple of days so she would give me money to go downtown to Subway during lunch and get something there. I would bring it back up to school because with 3 secondary schools in the vicinity it gets pretty packed in there at lunch. I would always bring it back up and walk into my classroom with the paper subway bag in hand. I would feel like everyone was staring at me. Yes, I know some of those looks were people thinking “Oh I really want Subway now,” but to me it felt like a majority of people were thinking to themselves or laughing in their groups saying ” Look at that fat bitch getting Subway, she must eat that all the time. She probably spends most of her life in fast food places. No one she’s fat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

The main thing that I won’t like about being on my own in the house is because I will be constantly hearing noises whether there is anything there or not. So if I stop showing up to college I’ve been taken in the night, not that anyone will notice. I spend so much time in school being silent that I’d say some people think I never speak ever. There is one or two people who have heard me say more than 5 words. I really hate group settings. I had 3 presentations this week. They all went okay-ish, except the last one which was a group presentation. There was 2 of us in a group and I was getting very anxious at the fact that we didn’t start making the powerpoint until the day before our presentation. The room we were in too made it very daunting. There wasn’t a huge amount of people there and most of them were from my class anyways. There was however a load of empty seats. I imagined all those empty seats being filled with a load of people who I feel have judged me in the past even just by a look they’ve given me. I went through my slides really quickly, and I did one slide where I breathed in once and then tried the do the entire slide, which wasn’t very long with that one breath because I was so nervous and anxious and just downright terrified. I had spent the last 3 hours beforehand in the radio studio trying the distract myself. I think that my only talent is my ability to look completely put together,unfazed, and stress free in public. On the outside, I seem fine. Yes I’m quiet but that’s not a bad thing. I’d rather be quiet than to be talking all the time about myself and everyone being like “God would they ever shut up, the world doesn’t revolve around them.” I guess in a way these blogs do that, but at least people have the choice whether to read these or not. When someone is talking you can’t really close a browser, you can’t mute them. (I’m sure we’d all like to mute someone. I certainly do.)

This morning one of my classes got cancelled without any prior notification. No e-mail or anything. So I had to get up at 6:15am for NOTHING!!! Well not really nothing the day itself was actually good. I was supposed to be going to a house party but after talking to one of the residents of the house who told me that there was a change of house and that he was actually going home, I decided not to go. Also while I was talking to him a girl from my class just came up from behind and hugged me. I always need a hug, so that was nice. I also spent a good half an hour listening to a famous local radio presenter talk to us, and he was so interesting. I do have a confession that I actually really like Radio Kerry a lot. Spin doesn’t appeal to me because all of their music is all pop and it’s nearly all shit. Whereas Radio Kerry has a variety and they have a couple of country music shows and I really like country music. I don’t listen to it all the time but I love listening to it in the car.

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Returning To The Haunting Grounds And Recent Personal Gay Issues.

Yesterday, my friend and I decided to visit our friends who are still in secondary school. We met up with them at lunch and talked to them for a while as we hadn’t seen some of them over the summer. My physics teacher stopped to talk to me for a couple of minutes, which was basically small talk because while I did pass physics I still didn’t do great, also he wasn’t the teacher who I was really intent on seeing. I went with one of my 6th years friends into the school to look for my English teacher because I hadn’t gotten to see her since I got my results and English was the only subject I really cared about. So we went inside and luckily she was on lunch time supervision so she was in the canteen. I talked to her for a good bit, telling her that I did get enough points for my course, and that I was in visiting my 6th year friends. She asked me was I happy with my grade in English and I told her that I was happy that I got a B because I really wanted that but that I was hoping for a better grade. She too expected me to get a higher grade but I told her where I knew I went wrong because I hadn’t finished the unseen poetry, I was rushing through the studied poetry which I had a lot to write about, and my essay in paper 1 was not the best thing I’ve ever written. She was surprised because she said usually I’m a good writer. I took that as an opportunity to bring up these blog posts. I told her that I had gotten a lot of positive feedback after writing about mental illness and getting messages from people saying that they went through the same or similar things. She said to me “You must be really proud of yourself.” I sort of just smiled and looked down. She repeated it again except putting more emphasis on the must “You MUST be really proud of yourself.” She wished me the best of luck with college but called me Siobhan instead of Sandra, and then finished what she was saying. However, before she walked away I said ” By the way, my name is Sandra not Siobhan.” She seemed so annoyed with herself, she touched my arm and went “Aw fuck it, sorry about that I’ve gotten very bad, you’re nearly out the door and I called you the wrong name.” The school has undergone some changes this year. They have assigned teachers their own rooms. So the teachers just stay in the same room all day as the students have to travel between all the rooms. They have 2 classes over above the gym, a pass maths and an honours irish class. They are both important classes yet they have them above where there is P.E. classes on. They have new lockers which I think are really cool, they’re like American lockers. They have a hook inside for a coat, they can fit the schoolbag as long as it’s fairly empty and there is a shelf inside in it. They’ve made a lunch area on the stage for the Ty’s, 5th and 6th years, yet there is still people sitting on the ground and having their lunch in the corridors. The school really underestimates the space they have in that canteen.

My home life has been pretty stressful at the moment. No matter how nervous I might be about starting college, the sooner I start it the better. I just get so angry being at home these days. My parents keep badgering me about what I have to get done, have I heard from the grant crowd and other such things. I mean if I heard from the grant people I would tell them, my email inbox is very inactive I will know when an email comes in. Also more than likely we will receive a letter about it in the post so there’s nothing much that I can do about that. My parents have recently booked a holiday, and I don’t really want to go so it’s just the 2 of them. My mom said the other night though that if it all goes well that “maybe you could go next time and bring your boyfriend when you get one.” I just went like “haha yeah maybe…” and I walked out of the room, went into my bedroom, and sat on my bed quietly for about an hour. I now feel like I’m actually living in the closet and I don’t like it at all. I guess it’s about time I started getting these negative feelings about being gay, I was lucky that I got the support from my class when I came out but now I’m facing the proper reality and struggle that many gay people face. I wish I wasn’t gay. I wish I could be straight like everyone expects me to be. It would be easier if I just liked guys, but I just can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

Yesterday, my mom brought up about how when I turn 18 I should go see the doctor and discuss contraceptives, like the pill. While I know I could be on the pill even being gay as there is benefits to it besides birth control. Either way my mom seems convinced that I’m going to get with a man when I grow up and have kids with him eventually. That’s not me. I’m not going to marry a man. I don’t want to marry a man. Why am I expected to want to marry a man? Why is everyone expected to be straight unless proven otherwise? Can’t we just be ourselves, free of expectations? I just want to be me, but that’s difficult when my parents are shoving the heterosexual lifestyle in my face. I wish someone else could just tell them for me and be there then when I face my parents. Someone that my parents trust and like, who they know is not just trying to stir up trouble. I don’t want to be alone when it happens. Maybe I should take little steps, like telling my brother first. I’m sure he’d understand and not think much of it, especially since his girlfriend of nearly a year is bisexual. I don’t know if I would immediately come out as gay to any of my family members. While I know it might be disrespectful to bisexuals and I’m sorry but I would rather come out as that 1. Because I’m still questioning my sexuality a bit and 2. My parents might be a little easier on me if there is that glimmer of hope/ possibility that I will be with a man.

I Am Free From Those Unwanted Subjects! (Personal Opinion)

I know I’ve written a lot about secondary school and stuff but this is only going happen once in my life. That chapter in my life has come to a close, and I’m only beginning to realize certain things. Like the fact that I will never, ever, ever,ever,ever,ever have to do science or French again. While I’ve had a this feelingbefore like after 1st year when I was able to drop Art(I hated it more than life),Spanish, and T.G.(I didn’t hate it I just couldn’t do it). Also again after 3rd year when I dropped Business Studies, Geography(hated the teacher so fucking much), History,Home Economics, and exam Religion. I was ecstatic to drop most of these subjects. I usually either hated the teacher, didn’t have any interest in the subject, and/or just genuinely couldn’t do the subject. For Art, Geography and 3rd year Religion it was all three of these things. None of these teachers liked me at all. The Art teacher moved me to the back of the room and would never look at what I was doing. I was up at the front a lot in Geography because we all had to sit in alphabetical order and lucky me, I got to sit right in front of her blotchy fake tan covered face for 3 years. I used the internet for all my geography homework, because I couldn’t do it and that teacher would always ask the homework questions, or least she did for a while, so I didn’t want to embarrass myself. She did begin to ignore me for a while which I actually loved because being asked something in class is probably when my anxiety is at it’s worst. She was one of the teachers that I was scared of, mostly because she was unpredictable. Sometimes she would yell, other times she try to make a joke or remark and it was hard to tell whether we were suppose to laugh or not. There was one day in 3rd year when I thought I had science but I had read my timetable wrong and I was supposed to be in geography and then science. So I went to my home class to get my geography books after realising my mistake after a good 5 or 10 minutes when the hall by the science lab was empty and void of my classmates. I ran down to the geography room and freaked out for about another 2 minutes outside the door anticipating that she would give out to me. I knocked on the door, as she insisted that is was good manners, and then I opened the door, she looked and me when I came in but continued to talk to the rest of the class as I tried to quickly and quietly get to my seat right in front of her. This bitch was always on about manners, she could learn a thing or two about manners herself. Clicking your fingers at someone and pointing at someone is the height of bad manners. It also didn’t help that she would sometimes do this for no obvious reason and she would rarely explain herself. It usually meant she wanted you to cease and desist from what you were doing but sometimes the person she was clicking at did nothing. I still got a C in geography in the Junior Cert, so I showed her. The 3rd year religion teacher was just a sub while my normal religion teacher was on maternity leave for practically the entirety of 3rd year. She just hated me from the instant she met me. Believe me I hated her too. She was correcting my religion project, blacked out stuff that I wrote, and blamed me for being messy with my writing because I was blacking out stuff. I never did that, so I had to pretend to be sorry but I was just really confused and when I got it back I knew that I hadn’t done it. Again I got a C so I showed that bitch.

I actually liked History,Home Ec., and Business Studies. I always found certain parts of history interesting. I liked learning about the Romans, American history, the world wars, and social change in Ireland. While I liked all these things that didn’t mean I could learn them. No matter how much I tried I could never remember anything in history. Not that the teacher was much help, she would spend ages at one chapter. She would go back over every part but say different things every time or leave something out so I just got confused, and I gave up. I went into the exam without having really gone over anything that wasn’t the first 10 chapters and the social change chapter. Can you guess what I got? Another C! Suddenly I C why I dropped all these subjects(Please tell me that was a pun!).I’ve discussed my love/hate relationship with Home Ec. in a previous post but I was really good at the theory, sucked at cooking/baking/washing up, but I did like my teacher. Also any Home Ec. classes involving cooking usually involved tears for me because something would always go wrong. I didn’t really like my business studies teacher. She wasn’t that bad in reflection though, she did move me to a different seat in 2nd year away from my friend, but didn’t real care about me sitting next to her in 3rd year. My friend and I did absolutely no work in 3rd year business. We were over at the side of the room talking and drawing in each others books the entire time. I’m sure everyone could hear us, and yet my teacher never gave out to us. She did give out to the girls at the other side of the room who were used to it seeing as it happened in every other class that they were in. Business was the only class where I was always talking during it. I didn’t do my homework about half the time because she stopped checking it and just gave out answer sheets so doing the homework was just pointless sometimes(except if I wanted to do well, which I sort of did). I would do it sometimes for fun though, because I loved doing the accounting stuff so much. I would get all giddy and excited if/when my profit, loss and depreciation accounts would balance.

I was so excited when I found out that accounting was it’s own separate subject in the Leaving Cert and when our Vice Principal gave a talk about it one day I couldn’t wait to start it. Unfortunately I never got to do it because it clashed with French and I had to keep a language in case I needed it,WHICH I DID NOT!!!! I was distraught when they made me sort out my options. I wanted to quit school, accounting was going to be my fun subject (I think,from what I heard, accounting wasn’t that easy after all). My college plans were going to be me doing an accounting course, I was looking forward to it 2 years ago. I know it’s for the best that I didn’t do it, everything happens for a reason and it was meant to be blah,blah,blah. I just really wanted to do it so much. Besides accounting and French, I had 2 other options that I had picked myself that I was doing for the Leaving Cert. They were Biology and Chemistry. Almost everyone does Biology, people think it’s the easiest science because all you do is learn stuff off (I think it depends on how your brain works and learns stuff). I really wanted to do Chemistry because I loved learning about the elements and how many electrons,protons and neutrons made up each one. So I was going to do 2 sciences anyways. With accounting not being a viable option for me anymore, I hadn’t much choice seeing as the only other subject I would’ve been interested in was Music and I dropped that in 1st year so I couldn’t do that. I ended up having to pick Physics. I was doing the 3 sciences and French, the exact same options that my brother did. The thing is, unlike my brother, I hated doing science. I didn’t understand anything, I just tried to learn stuff off, not knowing what anything meant.I don’t think anyone knew how difficult I found it, my teachers just thought I wasn’t working. I was trying to understand it for months and I just couldn’t no matter if they explained it again or not. I told people all the time “oh I hate science” and I was saying it because it was true and I had little to no other options, I was never good at it.  I somehow managed to pass all my sciences. I did the worst in chemistry and in 5th year it was my favourite science. I liked most of the maths and numbers involved in chemistry. I really liked oxidation and reduction numbers. They are the easiest thing that I found on the entire course. I got nearly full marks on the question on them that came up in the pre. However, it never came up in the real thing. What did come up was a calculation that we learned really late into 6th year, that I could never do or understand because I didn’t spend enough time trying to figure it out so I never got it. I actually kind of liked all the sciences in 5th year, it was in 6th year when I started to hate them all. I got too busy to learn some of the new stuff so I got really behind on work and I was doing new work as well as the revision homework that was set and I found the revision stuff easier so I just focused on that because it was more fun to me. I’ve been really happy since realizing that I will never have to do science ever again. So I can add this to the list of subjects that are “dead and gone” out of my life, “they’re with O’ Leary in the grave.”