I’ve never been alone before. Correction, I’ve never been home alone without my parents for more than a couple of hours or maybe even a day. I have always been spoiled because I am the youngest. I’m nearly 2 whole months into college and seeing as I live at home, I’ve had nothing to really worry about other than college itself and assignments. Like I’ve always had my parents there to cook my meals and wash my clothes and clean the house. Whenever I am alone for a few hours, the extent of my cooking is either sticking a pizza from the freezer into the oven, or else having food that involves being heated in a microwave. I have never used the washing machine. Well that’s sort of a lie, my dad puts the washing power and the fabric softener liquid stuff into the washing machine, and then I press the buttons and when it’s done I put the important items of clothing on the clothes horse and that’s my job done until someone comes home. However, in a couple of weeks my parents are going away on holidays and I’m staying behind because I’d rather not be their caretaker while they go drinking. So I’m going to have to cook for myself and actually remember to feed both myself and my dog. Luckily I won’t have to use the washing machine because I have enough outfits to last me the week (just about).
For the most part it shouldn’t make much of a difference because I feel like I spend more time at college than I do in my own house. I need to try and limit my late evenings that week, but I also need to go to soccer practice and a possible game. There is also a society meeting that week too but I haven’t been to any meetings yet this semester so why start now? I just think that LGBT+ society just sounds daunting and I’ve enough things to worry about right now. So while I will be cooking, I’ll probably be going to fast food places for lunch some days. I don’t know though, I haven’t bought lunch in college in a while, even days when I’ve had soccer or just staying late after college. I did have an energy bar one day before practice don’t worry. If I do happen to get hungry I just get a packet of hunky dorey’s from the vending machine. One thing that makes me incredibly anxious is order food, be it in a fast food place where you go up and tell them what you want, or especially when being a restaurant when someone comes over to take your order and serves and constantly checks up on how your meal is. I hate eating in front of people too so needless to say I rather get take away’s so that the only person that can judge me for eating is my dog. In 6th year, my mom wouldn’t have gotten a roll for my lunch the odd couple of days so she would give me money to go downtown to Subway during lunch and get something there. I would bring it back up to school because with 3 secondary schools in the vicinity it gets pretty packed in there at lunch. I would always bring it back up and walk into my classroom with the paper subway bag in hand. I would feel like everyone was staring at me. Yes, I know some of those looks were people thinking “Oh I really want Subway now,” but to me it felt like a majority of people were thinking to themselves or laughing in their groups saying ” Look at that fat bitch getting Subway, she must eat that all the time. She probably spends most of her life in fast food places. No one she’s fat. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
The main thing that I won’t like about being on my own in the house is because I will be constantly hearing noises whether there is anything there or not. So if I stop showing up to college I’ve been taken in the night, not that anyone will notice. I spend so much time in school being silent that I’d say some people think I never speak ever. There is one or two people who have heard me say more than 5 words. I really hate group settings. I had 3 presentations this week. They all went okay-ish, except the last one which was a group presentation. There was 2 of us in a group and I was getting very anxious at the fact that we didn’t start making the powerpoint until the day before our presentation. The room we were in too made it very daunting. There wasn’t a huge amount of people there and most of them were from my class anyways. There was however a load of empty seats. I imagined all those empty seats being filled with a load of people who I feel have judged me in the past even just by a look they’ve given me. I went through my slides really quickly, and I did one slide where I breathed in once and then tried the do the entire slide, which wasn’t very long with that one breath because I was so nervous and anxious and just downright terrified. I had spent the last 3 hours beforehand in the radio studio trying the distract myself. I think that my only talent is my ability to look completely put together,unfazed, and stress free in public. On the outside, I seem fine. Yes I’m quiet but that’s not a bad thing. I’d rather be quiet than to be talking all the time about myself and everyone being like “God would they ever shut up, the world doesn’t revolve around them.” I guess in a way these blogs do that, but at least people have the choice whether to read these or not. When someone is talking you can’t really close a browser, you can’t mute them. (I’m sure we’d all like to mute someone. I certainly do.)
This morning one of my classes got cancelled without any prior notification. No e-mail or anything. So I had to get up at 6:15am for NOTHING!!! Well not really nothing the day itself was actually good. I was supposed to be going to a house party but after talking to one of the residents of the house who told me that there was a change of house and that he was actually going home, I decided not to go. Also while I was talking to him a girl from my class just came up from behind and hugged me. I always need a hug, so that was nice. I also spent a good half an hour listening to a famous local radio presenter talk to us, and he was so interesting. I do have a confession that I actually really like Radio Kerry a lot. Spin doesn’t appeal to me because all of their music is all pop and it’s nearly all shit. Whereas Radio Kerry has a variety and they have a couple of country music shows and I really like country music. I don’t listen to it all the time but I love listening to it in the car.