College Ball 2016

I wasn’t going to write a blog because I feel like the only major points of the night were drunk antics. While I will talk about a few of them others aren’t to be shared on the internet not because they were especially bad but they’re not mine to share. With that in mind though I did tell too many people in college this morning because I didn’t think about that because I was still drunk. I only told mutual friends but still I should’ve kept my mouth shut. Anyways on with the blog!

I wasn’t sure if I was going to go to this ball seeing as I was at the Clubs and Socs Ball and BICS, I only really decided to go because of how well the Clubs and Socs Ball went and how I didn’t get the drunk night I had planned for BICS. So I went and bought my ticket the day before the College Ball and luckily there was still a couple left. I didn’t know as many people going to this ball but I still really wanted to go because I wanted to hear the speeches from our Student’s Union Sabbatical Officers as two of them will be leaving. I was staying with one of my 2nd year friends and I had pre-drinks but they only made me a little buzzed because I just had 3 350ml bottles (I’m guessing the size I honestly don’t know) of red and blue WKD and a Bacardi Breezer. I got to the hotel and had a pint of Orchard Thieves. That made me a bit tipsy because cider does that to me. The meal sobered me up but I was sitting at a table that was a bit away from the stage for the first few speeches. It annoyed me because there was people talking through the speeches and I wanted to listen to them whereas a load of the people there only cared about when they would be getting their food. Like be patient just because you don’t care what’s going on doesn’t mean you have to fucking ruin it for those that do care. I could still hear bits and pieces of the speeches. We managed to move a lot closer and I was then sitting next to all the VIP tables. There was a slideshow playing as well throughout the entire thing and I was in a few of the photos that were in that which was fine I guess,I’m sure half the people didn’t notice them. They were put on a screen using a projector that was on a fairly unstable table, easily could be knocked over!

There was a few awards for Class Reps of the year and then their was this new award called the President’s Award. Our SU President was told he could pick a student of his choosing to give an award. It was given to a student who showed a great interest and involvement with college and student life. As he was explaining the award and about the person who won the award I was thinking “Who is going to get this? Will it be one of the other officers or someone who isn’t currently in the union?” As he continued I figured it out when he said that the student was constantly in the union and annoying him on a regular basis. I got to a point where I was like “Just say the name! I know I’m right! It can’t possibly be anyone else!” I was right and it was Jodi! No one else deserved that award more than her though. Not only is she so involved with everything despite not being an officer in the union this year (she was in the union last year though), she really cares about the issues that tend to arise and are discussed within the Students Union and goes to things like the USI (Union of Students of Ireland) Congress. She also is just wonderful and as I said to her at BICS she”deserves everything good”. Right I think that’s enough with the compliments I saw her when I got to the hotel and I said she looked amazing, which she did and which she always does, but like I’m only capable of giving compliments once in a blue moon because I don’t know why but I feel nearly as uncomfortable giving compliments as I feel receiving them. I also think I can only do one extreme or another either I hardly compliment or I compliment too much to the point that while my intentions are good the compliment loses all meaning. When she won the award though I was the first person to stand up and start clapping and cheering. Again if I had the ability to cry, I so would have cried then I was just so happy for her.

The meal was actually really nice. I steered clear of the chicken option to ensure that I would not have a repeat of what happened at BICS, so I got salmon instead. I did feel sick for a bit but nothing major, by far my favourite part of the meal was the coffee because it just made me feel better. I went out for a cigarette on my own after the meal because I felt like it would make me feel a little better. I didn’t do much for a while I think I got 2 Captain Morgans and orange during the 1st hour after the meal. Then I met up with Jodi and I think she went dancing and I just wasn’t really that into the songs that the band were playing at that point so I just sat down at one of the tables right next to the dance floor. So something Jodi decided to do for the entire night and even for a little bit yesterday was to replace the lyrics in songs with either my name or something about me. So while she was out there dancing the band were playing “When You Say Nothing At All” by Ronan Keating. Like she knew where I was but she was dancing with one her friends and had her back turned to me. Then when the chorus came on and it goes “You say it best…” and she changed the lyrics to  “When you say nothing on your blogs”(Not the best phrasing but she was trying to keep it somewhat similar to the actual lyrics) and turned around and pretended to be typing on a keyboard. I pretended to be annoyed by all the integration of my name into these songs but honestly I found it really funny and I ended up getting really drunk so I thought it was really hilarious. Another song she changed was “I Took A Pill In Ibiza” so during the chorus she decided to just keep singing “Sandra for P.R.O.” to the tune of the song. I was just like “for fuck sake” and kept telling her to stop every time she did it. Ultimately I thought that it was really cute but I wasn’t going to admit that.

Drinks wise I had pretty much the same as what I had at the last ball. I had a total of probably 6 Captain Morgans and orange throughout the night. I had a vodka and redbull. I also had an Apple Sourz shot and my  first ever Jagerbomb. Jodi bought the jagerbomb’s and she did that at the last ball too. She goes and buys things like Jager and Apple Sourz and I’m like “I hate you so much like why are we drinking this?” Obviously I don’t hate her but I think I spent a lot of Wednesday night telling her that I did. She said it back to me so it was fine except she’s usually be like “Hate you too bitch. No I don’t I love you.” Even later on when I was supposed to be comforting her because she was feeling sick she was like “I’m fine” and I would responded a few of the times that she said this being like “No you aren’t you fuck.” She was like “Don’t call me that!” The way she said it made me feel a bit bad so I think I stopped calling her that. I was extremely drunk by the end of the night and usually I do a lot of hugging when I’m drunk. Like I actually initiate it. When I’m sober I tend not to hug someone unless I’m pretty sure that they are going to hug me. This time however I didn’t do a lot of hugging but at the end of the night when I knew I’d be leaving shortly I kissed Jodi on the cheek while we were waiting for buses to show up. We were sitting down at one of the tables and she rested her head on my shoulder which never happens I’m never the pillow. I hugged her then kissed her on the cheek. I know I shouldn’t make a big deal out of this but usually the reason I won’t initiate anything like that is because in my mind I’m like “They don’t want a hug from me. If I do that they’ll give me a judging look and I will feel embarrassed forever!” When I’m drunk that voice in my head kinda disappears.

Since this was the college ball it was run by the Students Union and some a few people from other college’s students union were there too on Wednesday night. I saw one of the people during the meal and I was like “Oh my God, he’s here? Is that really him? I finally get to meet that POWERful person!!” His speeches are meant to be one of the best things ever. I feel like making up a line for him like the line in Grease that goes “A hickey from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card.” So instead of that have something like “There’s nothing more passionate than an hour with Power.” Probably doesn’t have the same catchiness, I’ll work on it. He is actually so lovely and I think he’s my straight crush now he was so cute in person. I had to refrain myself from singing the Max Power song from the Simpsons and replacing it with his name. I nearly did but I decided against it. While we were talking to him about Student’s Union, Jodi told him that she was offered the Equality and Citizenship officer role because the guy who was supposed to be doing it can’t anymore. I know Jodi isn’t doing anything SU related next year since it’s her final year so I was like “Is it really? Could I go for that?” Jodi replied with “Fuck you, they asked me!” I was like “Yeah but you’re not doing anything in the SU next year. You’re going for Welfare the year after.” She said “Yeah I am and I’m going to win!” While we were outside in the smoking area with Flower Power (I think that’s the best name I can give him in this) he was saying how he had the best dimples and I interjected immediately like “No you don’t I do!” He was like “Let me have a look” So I smiled and before he reacted Jodi was like “She’s right, Sandra totally wins sorry Power.”

I think that was pretty much all that happened during the night. There was buses leaving the hotel but I stayed an extra half an hour and got a taxi back with the lads I was staying with. I was going to bed at 4am and I got up for college at 7:15am. I went the first hour of my 2 hour practical because we got a break half way through at 10am and I went into the radio studio and sat down and I just did not want to get back up I was so tired, I didn’t go to any other classes for the rest of the day. The first of my other classes because I was falling asleep and I was comfy. The other class that I skipped wasn’t too important and the lecturer left the 2 hour class after 45 minutes anyways!! I saw Jodi eventually and she didn’t remember some of what had happened the night before so it’s a good thing I have such a good memory!! Apparently I was acting a bit weird yesterday. She was like “Is there something wrong you acting a bit different towards me? Did we have a fight or something last night?” I was like “No, how am I acting differently?” I asked one of the lads today was I doing something different and he was like “Yeah you were being a bit quieter than normal, you usually laugh a lot more and you just weren’t reacting to some things and you would just laugh a little.” Either way I was in a great mood yesterday around that time. I was really happy. I’ve actually been extremely happy for like the last week which I guess is to be expected after having two weeks of major anxiety.

 

College Log Week 10

(I started writing this on Novemeber 29th I thought I’d revisit and finish this draft because I don’t want to lose the account of one of the best nights I’ve ever had. The current date being March 28th. )

This week has been hectic yet very eventful and enjoyable. On Monday, I started recording audio for a radio show project I have to do with two other people in my class. It was fun to do until the lecturer came in and had all 4 of us cram into the booth and watch the person record. When it got to me I recorded twice before saying to him ” You know I think I would work better if I recorded it myself, alone after getting to know my script a little better.” He goes to me “Yeah probably, anyways go again.” I recorded again and he asked me after that would I like to try it again and I said no because it was not going to get any better no matter how many times I would have recorded it. A girl in my class kissed me on the cheek a total of 3 times over the course of Monday and Tuesday while we were in college, needless to say I was very happy over those two days.

Throughout the week I was trying my luck at finding somewhere to stay on Thursday night because there was a party that all my friends were going to. So on Tuesday, on the way to college, I was talking to a girl on the bus that I talk to quite often, and she said that I could stay at her student accommodation. I was so excited because I’d never been to a party yet since being at college and I knew I would be having something to drink there so I couldn’t wait. So I hadn’t many lectures that day so after they were over, I went up to a friends house with two other friends and we had tea there. We then went back up to college with the intention of getting work done like writing journals and other assignments that are due in two weeks. Of course, we got out our laptops were ready to start working when 3rd years came in and started talking to us. Both of the radio society chair people were there for a bit together talking to us, but one of them talked to us for nearly like 2 hours. We didn’t really mind though because we were talking all about the future of the society and what we will be doing next semester while the 3rd years are gone. I’ve realized how much I’m going to miss some of the 3rd years, I’m like trying my hardest not to think about it.

The 3 people who I was “working” with from my year all left and went back home. I stayed behind and started taking photos for a photographic storyboard for a 60 second video I have to do. I was setting up my tripod and camera that I booked out from the college in the empty radio studio. The tripod I was using had a part that was a bit crooked and it was very stiff so it took a lot of force to move it. I managed to move it a bit and got it a bit straighter but I was still struggling to get it even straighter when I heard the door outside the studio open. It was my favourite person in all the college, her boyfriend was with her too. She could see my trying to fix the tripod outside through the window into the studio so she came into the studio and asked did I need help. Now she is doing the same course as me, she’s in 3rd year, and she is the chair person of the TV and Film Society, yet she managed to fuck up the tripod even more. I told her what I wanted to try and fix so she took off part of the tripod that the camera was attached to and then had trouble sticking it back in. This wasn’t even what really needed to be fixed, either way she eventually got it back into place and it still wasn’t straight but it was fine.

Wednesday arrived and I had the best intentions to actually get some work done and do the journals I should’ve done Tuesday evening with my other classmates, but that also didn’t go to plan. So I have a 2 hours free on Wednesday mornings before my classes start. I got off the bus and walked into the radio studio. One of the guys from 2nd year had his show on and 2 girls from his class were in talking on his show, one of which I’ve talked to a lot and am friends with(or at least I think I am) so I was excited to see her in there. I waved into the studio because I couldn’t go in because they were talking. They waved back at me. I sat down outside the studio, in what I will refer to from now on as the lobby I think, and I started taking out all the stuff I needed for my journals. They soon went back to playing music and the girl I’m friends with walked out of the studio over to me. I feel like I’ll be talking about her a bit so for the purpose of these blogs I will call her Misty (Unlike other names I’ve given on this, her name actually starts with an ‘S’ not an ‘M’).  I was still sitting down when she came out of the studio. She walked over to me and she gave me a hug and asked me how I was and remarked on how we hadn’t seen each other for a little bit, we hadn’t talked since the previous Thursday so nearly a week. She had to go to class so her and the other girl who was in the studio left. The guy who’s show it was, who’s also in her class, stayed behind to finish turning everything off. I’ll call him Dale (Didn’t realise I had given him a name already. In the recent blogs this Dale character is called Dexter. I will stick with Dexter for future blogs but for this I’ll just leave it as Dale). So Dale walked out and said that I looked lovely, I was wearing make up that day. I sat in the same spot for a while trying to get work done. When Misty returned after her class she walked in and said ” You’re in the same spot I left you earlier.” I replied “Yeah I am and I’ve only written five lines in all that time.” She laughed and walked into the studio.

Before I continue I need to tell you more about Misty. She can literally make my day like a million times better every time I see her. She is just such a positive person. She’s always smiling and says hi to everyone. She asks them how they are and usually gives them a hug at one point or another. I just love her voice too, it’s my absolute favourite thing.(End of Misty appreciation) Anyway’s I had to go to class shortly after she came back. I had a 2 hour class and then we had a quick radio society meeting about nominating people for the new committee from January onwards. First years are allowed to go for positions on it, so I’m going for PR officer. This is pretty much the person who is in charge of all the social media platforms and promoting of the society. With all of the time I spend on social media, I think I could be good at it. I then had another class for an hour and then I was done for the day. However, five of us decided to stay around to help each other take their photos for their storyboards. While we were around doing that though, they was a lot of 2nd years around recording for a radio show they have to do for an assignment, so it was really busy around there. Also there was auditions on for the College’s X-Factor type show, so there was more people around for that. We had fun going into lecture halls and just having a laugh while trying to take the photos. Afterwards, one of them was staying behind, one had gone home already, and the other two were getting a taxi. I waited with them until they got their taxi and then walked down to the house of the one that had gone home earlier. I had tea at his house and we watched a show that talked about past Late Late Toy Shows. Then he walked with me down to the bus stop before going down to our classmates house. I got home that night and I got a message from the girl who was letting me stay at her’s on the Thursday for a party I wanted to go to. She said that she was actually staying there, so I couldn’t stay there anymore. I panicked because I was so excited to go to this party and if I had no where to stay then I couldn’t go. I text one of my friends asking could I stay at theirs on their couch or something. I didn’t see his message back until the morning, he said that he was staying at one of the lad’s house but that yeah I could stay at his house and I could stay in his room and stuff.

I was so happy on Thursday, actually I was surprisingly happy all week even though I had little sleep a lot of the nights.  I had a few classes starting from half 10 and didn’t get a break until 1. Seeing as it was a Thursday, it was time for me to sit in on the radio show I’ve been sitting in on all year. It was really relaxed this week actually and I even got a freshly baked mini cookie that was lovely. Once the show was over, I tried to get some work done for the hour I had left before my next class but I wasn’t too successful(Girl,did I get any work done during this week? I mean the intention is there but I never did anything!). I went to a 2 hour lecture, that luckily finished a half an hour early. I did not want to go to that lecture, it’s absolutely pointless and I had so much better stuff to be doing with that time.(Yeah I did, not that I would have done those things had I skipped the lecture!!) Only 4 out of 12 people from my course actually bothered to show up and I was one of those 4. Not one person from one of the other courses showed up. There was only about 15 people there in total and there should have been at least twice that number. When I got back to the radio studio, one of the lads from my course was on doing a show, where he just played music and asked did I want to join him. So I went in with him and sat there helping him pick out songs for the next half an hour. Two other guys from my class had a show on after that so I stayed there for their one as well and the guy who had been on had before them had to go catch a bus.  Another guy from my class joined us as well for the show. There was 2nd years there again that night doing more recording. Misty came in and talked on the radio for a minute before leaving again but before she let the door close, Dale called me out of the studio. They said they needed me to record something for their radio show project. I had to pretend to call in and be the winner of a competition they were running in it. Misty gave me a hug to congratulate me on winning this fake competition.  I had to guess the year that two songs that they had played are from, they told me the year. They hadn’t a script but they prepared me before hand with what I needed to say. As part of the prize, I won €1000. So they asked me what was I going to buy with it. I said “I’m going to buy a PlayStation 4 for my best friend.”(She has since got a PS4, so now the pressure I put on myself to get her one is gone. Now just to get me one.) Also as part of winning I got to pick the next song so I just picked ‘About A Girl’ by The Academy Is… because I couldn’t think of another one.I went back into the lads who were on their show and told them about what happened and one of them thought that I had actually won €1000.

(Ok so all the stuff after this is all written from the perspective of now on March 28th, because I wasn’t sure about writing this at the time it happened. Honestly I can’t believe this night even happened and I still think it’s the best night I’ve had out. It’s was my 1st time getting drunk and people was so protective of me it was ridiculous but really sweet at the same time.)

Once the show finished, I took the bus with one of the lads to their accommodation. I think I had dinner there and got dressed up, before a group of us got a taxi to the accommodation that the party was on at. I had my school bag with me so I had to walk down to the accommodation that I was staying at first. Luckily one of the guys who was letting me stay there had to walk down that way for something. So he continued walking on and I went inside where I was staying to drop off my bag and then I walked back up to the party by myself, in the dark. So I went 1st into the apartment across from the party as one of my classmates lives there. I had my 1st drink of the night there. One of the girls from my class poured just less than a full cap of vodka and then a load of coke. So it just tasted like coke so I drank that relatively quick because they were all making their way over to the party. I went over the guy who’s party it was, he was 21, and I said “Happy Party” because his birthday had already happened. Nothing really happened for a while but I went back over to my classmates house for a bit and then when I came back some people had showed up who weren’t there before. Like the 3rd year who was probably my favourite person in college last semester(I think I’ll start calling her Caz), still love her  but she just isn’t around this semester so that title has been given to someone else.

Gilly Sorry

Anyways, she asked me did I want a drink but she didn’t want to push me. I said I really wanted a drink but I just didn’t know anything about alcohol. With me saying that a girl from 3rd year Creative Writing turned around and was like “I just heard you don’t know anything about drinking, I’m your girl I’ll teach you a thing or two. What do you think we should give her?” So they both decided that a good drink for me would be Captain Morgan’s and Fanta would be a suitable drink for me because it tastes like an orange split ice cream. So Caz went and made it for me and since she wasn’t too long at the party she was sober enough that she was being very cautious with how much alcohol she was giving me. So once I got my drink I was with her for a bit and then left the house again for a bit and when I came back Misty was there. She gave me a hug and said she was so happy that I was there. I told her what I was having a she smiled, her intial plan was to get me really drunk on my 1st night out. I sat down for a while and a 2nd year sat down next to me who I had never really talked to before but he’s lovely. He talked to me for ages and let me try his beer. (I was trying every drink that people would let me try.) There was nothing special about it, it just tasted like beer the only difference is that the bottle was bigger than a normal beer bottle. He got up after a while and two of the lads from my course came and sat down by me and Misty and her housemate. One of the guys was already kinda drunk and was just trying to compose himself. Misty was drinking this bottle of beer that she was handing over to him for him to try and he didn’t seem all that interested in it so I got him to pass the bottle to me. I immediately just knocked back the bottle but legit only had like a sip of actual beer. The action itself was still enough to get Misty to start yelling “Chug!Chug!Chug!” To which I responded with a hell no. Not because I was new to drinking but because I would be afraid I would end up choking or spilling the beer all over myself. Caz turned around when she heard the chanting that more practically the whole room had joined in on. She saw that this was directed at me and ran over to me, grabbed the beer out of my hand and proceeded to chug the entire bottle of beer. I was still sitting down and I just looked up at her with such awe and amazement. I said something along the longs of “You’re my hero,” but it was only loud enough for myself to hear as the rest of the room was cheering her on. After that she knelt down next to me and I told her that what she just did was amazing. She goes “Oh, that. Yeah I just did that so you didn’t have to, I couldn’t let you do that.” She stayed talking to me for a good few minutes and her friend was standing there at the side and was waiting for her to get up and Caz turned around and said “Wait, I’m talking to Sandra give me a few minutes.” The conversation consisted of her recounting of how people went up to her at the start of the semester telling her that they found a mini version of her, which was apparently me. She talked to me about my blogs for a little bit too or at least the ones that mentioned my mental illnesses. She even gave me her number 1. So I could text her when I got back to where I was staying and 2. So that if I was feeling really anxious or anything while she was away on work placement that I should text if I needed to talk to someone. Now with that in mind when I was having my anxiety attack there a few weeks ago I did actually think about texting her. I didn’t text her but I nearly did and I thought about it for a bit.

She got up after a few minutes and went over towards where the drinks were so I went over then and asked if she could make me another Captain Morgan’s and Fanta. At this point of the night she was fairly drunk and she made that drink a LOT stronger than the first one. She also can’t remember much that happened around and after this point of the night. I went and sat back down and one of the 3rd years who was one of our chairpeople for the radio soc, sat down next to me and asked me how I was getting on. He talked to me for a few minutes and he was happy that I was having a good time but he said to watch myself too and be careful. I went back over and talked to Caz for a bit but at this point people were getting ready to head out to the nightclub. When I stood up to walk over to her I felt a bit dizzy and I realised that I was drunk. My vision was a little blurry and very sideways. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to make it to the nightclub and Misty and a boy from my class who lives in the house that I was going staying at were just about to get a drive home. I asked them if I could go with them and they said of course I could. So I told Caz that I was going and that I had to go wait outside for the car. She grabbed my hand and escorted me down the stairs of the party apartment and walked me out to where I had to wait with the others. She wouldn’t let go of my hand and I told her she could go back inside to the party she didn’t have to wait because Misty and the others were also with me. She refused to leave until she saw that I was leaving and I was safe. She did leave go of my hand for a bit though and Misty reassured her that they would take care of me. Also I was wearing a t-shirt and I didn’t have a coat or jumper or anything so Misty started hugging me. She said “You must be freezing”. I said, in my drunken state, “If I say I’m cold will you keep hugging me” She was like “Of course”. So I said “Yeah I’m cold absolutely freezing.” (Only just remembered that his happened.I wasn’t cold at all. I think this is embarrassing but also hilariously gay and I don’t ever want to forget it.) Caz grabbed hold of my hand again and when the car showed up she walked me over to it and I was the last person to get into the car. This being because Caz hugged me so tightly, kissed me on the cheek really forcefully, and just kept saying to me the entire time that I needed to text her when I got back. I just smiled and laughed at how affection she is when she’s drunk and also how similar I am to her when I’m drunk these days. So the car ride wasn’t very long but Misty took a selfie of the 2 of us together. (It’s been like 4 months and I have yet to see this selfie like. She also took another one there at some point this semester and that also hasn’t seen the light of day. If I didn’t know any better I’d say she’s after deleting them which was probably the best choice to be fair, because I definitely looked awful in them anyway.) We got to the houses and before Misty went off home I had to get Caz’ number off her because I think I hadn’t saved it on my phone earlier when I was with Caz because my phone was acting up. She gave me the number a she was walking away but I was like “Misty?” She turned around and I had my arms open for a hug so she kind of ran back and gave me and hug and then said goodnight and went home.  I text Caz and then I was knocked out the instant my head touched the pillow, I was so tired. I didn’t have a hangover but I was still a bit dizzy and off balance the next day. I saw Misty later on in college and when she asked how I was I said “Everything is still sideways” She just awed at the fact that I seemed so confused as to how I was feeling after being drunk for the 1st time.

Nightly Escapes and New Year Resolutions Update

I don’t know why I feel so angry right now. It probably doesn’t help that I’m listening to this crazy awesome version of a young girl singing ‘Zombie’ by The Cranberries on repeat. It’s currently 1:40am on Monday morning the 28th of December. Another day has gone by where I have done no study for my exam that is a week away. I did actually look at a few notes related to the first of 3 questions for that exam but didn’t really do much after that. I’ve been obsessing over comedy again. I forgot how much I love it. I forgot how much I love Gilda Radner and the sketch comedy show ‘Saturday Night Live’.

I just had the urge to get out of bed, change into a good outfit, pack my small little rugsack and just go out the door and walk. It worries me that I felt like this, I was seriously thinking about it. I would just keep walking until I found some place where I could stay without the fear that I would be attacked. I feel like I would’ve attempted to walk to someone’s house like it’s between 2 people who live sort of far but in completely opposite directions to each other. One of them I felt would be able to comfort me and calm me down, and just let me cry while they wrapped their arms around me and told me everything would be okay. At least, I hope they would. The other is someone who I’m constantly wondering “Do they want even want to be my friend?” It’s the anxiety talking I’m sure but I feel like I’m the last person they ever want to see. It doesn’t help that they have a lot of friends and I feel like I’m always fighting for their attention (bringing back the idea that I am an attention seeker). If I walked to their house, I would probably be really angry and yell at her. (Revising this a night later, she seriously hasn’t done anything I don’t know why I was so angry last night.) They haven’t done anything wrong and I’ve never been mean to them or angry at them before but I feel like I just want to let it all out. Then they would get angry because it would be probably nearly 3am (if I was lucky to have walked out there that fast) and I would be after waking them and their family up for my selfish pity party. Honestly, I don’t know why I nearly wanted to do this. Nothing happened over the last few days to make me feel the need to leave, I’m just feeling a bit depressed at the moment.

This isn’t the first day where I’ve felt angry, and also sad, for no reason. I’ve succumbed to the winter blues. It’s not like I will only be like this for winter though, it will probably just be worse during the rest of this season and hopefully I can enjoy my birthday for once.

It’s now December 29th and it’s 3:33am, the internet got plugged out last night but I’m determined to get this written now. Also still haven’t studied today, I’m going to fucking fail because I’m a fucking failure. My punishment for myself is isolating myself from my friends until I get work done. I am meeting up with someone, later today I guess you could say at this point. I had that planned with a couple of days and I’m looking forward to it. They have to go to see some family at some point so I thought I might as well make a day of it. I’m going to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s new movie ‘Sisters’ and I can’t wait. I was thinking about inviting someone to go with me but I don’t think any of them share my obsession with these glorious women of comedy. I get to enjoy two hours of them, along with some of other female comedians. Other than that excursion, I’ve taken to try and not talk to any of my friends until I get these exams over with. It’s not like I talk to them too much anyways but now that everyone is off it’s a good time to meet up with people and talk to them. As much as I want to, I’m not texting anyone until the exams are over.  What’s another week going to hurt?

Have you ever just had the urge to drink until you pass out. Honestly I don’t think I have enough rum left to do much harm to myself, there is whiskey and baileys there though. I could always drink them. I am relatively new to drinking so it might not take that much to knock me out. Not like anything good would come out of it. This kind of stuff happens all the time, the doctors can always pump my stomach or something and get all the alcohol out of my system. It wouldn’t kill me no matter how hard I tried unless I did run away because if I was left too long untreated maybe I would die.

I think I get to affected by things I watch and listen to. I just started watching the UK television series ‘Skins’ on Netflix. It shows the life of a group of teenagers living in Bristol. It deals with alcohol and drug abuse, and eating disorders. Each episode focuses on one of the teenagers. One of them is called Cassie. She has an eating disorder. She was put into a clinic to help her overcome it, but she didn’t really get much help there and she put weights in her pockets to get to the target weight the clinic wanted her at before they would discharge her.  She shows a guy she likes, Sid, how she gets away with not eating. She talks to whoever she’s with and asks them a question like “How has your day been?” They answer and then she asks them another question and quickly changes topic. While doing this she is cutting up the food on the plate in front of her and moving it around. She pretends that she has to lave and shifts over half the food to another plate and stacks the original plate on top of it. It actually made it look like she had eaten something, at least to someone who would be collecting the plates later. Sid said it was like she was lying to everyone though, because she’s not better but she tricked the clinic people and everyone else into believing that she is better. She told him that it’s no one’s “fucking business” and also that “it’s not exactly like anybody cares so…” Sid tells her he cares and that is the extent of caring. If he bloody cared he would help the girl not just fucking say it. He also dismisses any romantic interaction she tries to have with him because he is in love with his best friend’s girlfriend. These types of shows can be so ridiculous sometimes, but I find this show does have some accuracy. However not helpful to someone like me, it’s just giving me  more ideas. Throughout the course of the episode she keeps getting signs telling her to eat. Through post it notes, text messages, and once using food to write it out, was the word ‘Eat’. She thought it might have been Sid sending her these messages because he said he cared. Except when she asked him and showed him her mobile phone, there were no messages on it. It was all in her head. It was herself wanting to be better that her mind created this reminder everywhere she went.

I’ve thought of some more resolutions that I need, some linked to this stuff and then some things that I thought of since the last blog.Okay so the first 3 are the ones from the last blog just so that they’re all together and also in case you didn’t read that blog.

1.Lose weight – this doesn’t mean I’m going to join a gym because fuck that I’ll figure out better ways to exercise that won’t damage my knee any further.

2.Be a good P.R.O for the Radio Society- I want to prove that I can actually do a good job because this was originally what I wanted to do as a career, manage social media for a business or organisation/society.

3.Talk more on the radio – I don’t think I’m ready to commit to my own show but if I go onto someone else’s show every now and again, maybe next year I’ll be ready. The world is just waiting to hear my show where I talk about T.V. shows and movies that have amazing gay characters because they bring joy into my life, except when they get killed off. (Thanks for that Coronation Street). Also I think some people would appreciate my music choices.

4. Be a better friend- I can talk the talk but seriously what have I actually done to help someone I care about. I didn’t talk to some of my friends for 4 months. No matter how busy I get I shouldn’t leave them to the wayside. I should be over my anxiousness of not wanting to bother someone because they might be busy. Last night when I started writing this blog I went back and read over some messages that my friend had sent me a while ago. They made me feel a lot better.

5. Continue improving my 2015 resolutions- Be funnier and be more positive. These are things that can always be improved upon. I need to make sure not to try to hard at being funny because no one likes that. Also I can’t be too positive because people find that kinda stuff annoying and also it would be very fake, no one is happy all the time.

6. Stop being such a fucking pathetic failure- I think this one is pretty self explanatory. I need to get my shit together and make it through college because I really like it there and I don’t want to have to leave.

I think that’s a pretty good list to be fair. Also I like this need to keep updating on what time it is. It’s currently 4:45 am and I have been sipping away on a rum and fanta for the last 4 hours or so and it has had no affect on me. If anything I’m more awake because of it, which is not what I wanted. Anyways if any of you do read this I wouldn’t be too worried. While these are all really serious issues and thoughts, I’m a wimp and wouldn’t actually go through with any of these scenarios really.

 

 

 

2015:A Tale of the Awesome and the Awful

It’s no secret that I’ve had a pretty terrible past couple of years. Things only began picking up for me really at the end of 2014, before that I felt like the biggest waste of space on the entire planet(I still feel like that sometimes but a lot less often). I began to feel like people liked me. I gave everyone in my class a Christmas card, as well as a few people who were in other classes. At the time, it seemed like most people were really happy with them while others thought it was a little weird. Either way, it made me feel good that my cards were the reason for someone to smile. (Which is why I decided to do it again this year except this time at college.)I also began making new friends during that time in 6th year, which is such a weird time to start making friends knowing that you only have like a couple months left in school with them.

I made 2 New Year’s resolutions for 2015. 1. To be funnier and 2. To be more positive. I feel like I definitely succeeded with the first one, which is good because that was the one I was more focused on. I love making people laugh/smile, it’s just my favourite thing to do. As for the second resolution, that was more something that needed to happen. If I was to actually maintain the new friendships I had acquired over the previous 8 months or so, I needed to stop being so negative. In some ways I achieved it and other ways I didn’t. I did better at enjoying the good moments instead of being sad thinking about how they would eventually end. I still get really negative sometimes but I attribute a lot of that towards the whole mental illness shit that has really affected me this year. Also, most of the negativity is towards myself and only the odd time is about something other than me.

I have to admit though that this year was probably the best year of my life (so far). Saying that, it had been a very difficult year at the same time. However, I wouldn’t change a thing. You can’t have the bad without the good, and by God was the good great. However, it wasn’t entirely consistent like the bad was. Starting from January, I stopped having breakfast a few mornings. A “few mornings” quickly turned into every morning. By February, I stopped eating lunch at school. For the next 12 months, I would continue this and thus endure stomach and heart pains. Nothing that I wasn’t used to, because even in previous years I had those pains, only now they were worse. For a while anyways, I’ve grown too accustomed to it at this point where I don’t get pain nearly as often as I did from March-June, those months were horribly painful for me but I hid it so well. Until I started writing these blogs in July, hardly anyone knew what I was doing to myself. I have no one to blame for any of this but myself. I used to get a lot of pains when I was a kid, usually either my ankles going weak or my heart hurting whenever I breathed in, neither lasting too long but would be an often occurrence. I got told by a friend of mine to “Shut up and quit whining.” So I did. I stopped telling people when I was in pain, no matter how much I felt like I was dying. I was the opposite to most people around the time of the Leaving Cert, I ate very little so while some people might have gained weight, I lost weight. Obviously not enough weight, because I’m still “starving” myself. I’ve had body insecurity issues for the past 7-ish years. It really didn’t help going to an all girls school where so many of them are skinny and perfect. I always felt out of place with my friends because they are all skinny and I’m not and I want to be. It is one of the many reasons why I hate being in photos or videos. I get a mini panic attack anytime someone tries to get a picture with me. I want to just run away, cry, and hide my face from everyone.  I have to be more mature about this stuff now that I’m in college so I really can’t be doing that. Yet I will let myself get backed into a corner by someone wielding a camera and just hope they will go away eventually. (Sometimes I’m happy that the 3rd years are going on work placement).

Sticking with the bad things about this year, I had really bad anxiety and depression this year. Well I’ve always had both of these I believe but this year I really started to understand that they were the reason I act and feel the way I do a lot of the time. The anxiety is hard to pin point because it was pretty constant as it affected me most when I was around people. Depression usually affects me when I’m alone and it hits me like a wave of darkness. It’s like a black hole starts in my heart and begins to spread to the rest of my body. I was also thinking yesterday after being out Sunday night, that I have really bad post party depression. I don’t think this is a real thing but it’s a good way to describe how I feel whenever I get home from being out with friends. It hits me the moment I close the door of my house behind me and I realize that my night of awesome is over. I used be really bad when I was younger I would nearly throw tantrums when my parents came to collect me from my friends birthday parties, or when I got home from being at my friends house. Whenever I get home from being out, I usually tell my parents about how the day or night went, which only makes me miss being where I just was even more. Then I tend to go up to my room close the door and just think about everything and see if I can remember everything that happened and the answer is always yes I do. I get really sad because I’m not with whoever I was with anymore and I can never live through that moment of my life again I can only reminisce which isn’t the same thing. During these  moments in my room I have cried a lot, I don’t know why I get so upset but it’s something that I don’t think I’ll ever get over. I bring this up because I was invited to many get togethers or parties with my friends this year that I’ve had to deal with this post party depression fairly often. When I first started getting invited to these things I was reluctant, in a way, to say yes because I knew how I would feel afterwards.

With the stress of the Leaving Cert I started “harming” myself in January or February, possibly earlier I can’t really remember. It started off with a rubber band around my wrist. I would stretch it out really far, let go and watch a red line appear on my arm and begin to sting. I usually did this whenever I felt like I did something embarrassing in front of someone, which happened a lot, or when I was procrastinating writing my English essays. Sometimes I would try to sit there and write and I just couldn’t and I would be so angry at myself for not working. So I would hurt myself because I deserved it. I was going to fail English I kept reminding myself, yet I still wouldn’t work and would repeatedly hurt myself. I ended up getting a B grade in most of my essays,which was pretty good for honours English. I made it look so easy, she even began praising my essays in class so not only did she expect something of me, so did everyone else. They would say “oh you’re so good at English” and they even asked me to write a poem for our graduation. The essays I produced seemed so simply constructed and an easy task for me, at least that’s how my classmates saw it. They didn’t know the pain I went through the get those written, in time and to an adequate length. I started to type out essays before I wrote them down because I couldn’t write them very well the first time straight through and I hated planning them. I would sometimes be up late at night or awake really early in the morning trying to write out the essay because you can’t print that shit out in secondary school because you have to get used to writing it out like in the exam. My teacher was out for a bit near the end of the year so we had 2 substitutes but before she left she had assigned an essay to write on Science and Technology, but seeing as she was out I decided not to write it at all, because if she wasn’t there to correct it I saw no point in slaving over something I had no interest in writing. Science was the bane of my life, I had to do all 3 for the Leaving Cert solely because I didn’t have much of a choice and I didn’t mind the teachers that taught science and because my brother did them so if I had a problem I could ask him. I rarely asked him even though I had numerous problems. At the end of it I really did love English, so I refused to write a 4 page essay about Science when I would rather write an essay about something personal. Those essays towards the end, where the early beginnings of these blogs. My English teacher nearly knew more than my friends did.  As the exams drew closer and the stress was increasing, the rubber band wasn’t enough and I’m too much of a wimp to use a blade. So I used what God gave me, and made scratches on my left hand using my fingernails until I pierced the skin and it would bleed, sometimes I couldn’t do it because it would depend how sharp my nails were at the time. I still see the scars on that hand even though I stopped doing it months ago. Nobody really knew I was doing it, nor did anyone who knew really understood why I was doing it. I have nearly started the rubber band thing again since starting college but I’ve fought the urge and have had little sleep as my punishment instead.

The combination of very little sleep, no food in my system and staying in college late in the evening meant I had very little energy most days, especially in the last couple weeks. I stayed up really late trying to get assignments finished. I took to drinking Red Bull as a means to keep focused when I was working but half the time it did nothing. I sometimes don’t have much of a reaction to caffeine, it sometimes makes me sleepy rather than alert. With that though, every morning or at some point of every day, I would buy coffee from the shop on campus. If I didn’t have coffee I would be dead for the whole day. It was my only source of energy most days. The odd time I would buy a healthy seedy bar from the shop but that wasn’t very often. When I would stay in college late in the evening it meant I was going from 6:15am to probably around 10:45pm without eating anything. That is 16 hours running on just coffee and water (or coke depends what drink I felt like getting), and also recently Red Bull. I would be lucky to get 5 hours of sleep on these days. Sometimes it was only 2 hours of sleep. Could someone please explain to me how it was possible that I was able to function? I don’t understand.

Now after that synopsis of some of the shit that I’ve dealt with this year, I think I should talk about some of the good stuff that has happened to me this year. We’ll start with the most poignant, and thus far the moment I’ve felt the most nervous in my life, when I came out as Questioning/Bi/Gay. I first came out to my friend in February and I can’t really remember how it went. I know it went well, but I really can’t remember telling her. I do recall going home that day and freaking out that it would make her think of me differently and maybe not want to hang around with me as much anymore. So the next day at lunch I asked her if me coming out had changed anything and she said “Of course not, why would you think that?” I just had to make sure because if my first time coming out went  bad, I wouldn’t be able to tell anyone again for a long, long time. I told my entire year, from my school anyways, that I was questioning as a comment on a post that a No voter posted on their Facebook page. My comment got 100 likes and over 20 comments saying I was brave and that took some courage and other stuff like that. However as soon as I had pressed the send button I was shaking like a chihuahua for a good 2-3 minutes which quickly led to me crying tears of joy when I saw all the nice comments especially from my friends because I was more worried about their opinion than what anyone else thought.

If any of my group of friends have made it this far, you know who you are because I’m literally only part of one group chat currently and you are all in it bar like one or two, thank you because I know you’ve probably heard most of this stuff before yet you decided to read through it again. To you, I have to say thank you for the past year. It’s the first time in forever where I’ve felt like I belong somewhere. Where I feel accepted, even for my flaws and I know I have a lot of them. Where I can turn to when I have a problem or I’m scared and need someone to talk to. Where my day can go from terrible to terrific just by talking to any one of you even if it’s just for a couple of minutes. It’s been amazing to call you all my friends and thanks for not kicking me out of the pre-established posse you had before I came along. I hope you’re not sick of me and I hope you not sick of me constantly needing to be reminded that we are in fact friends. I know it gets annoying but I just need to keep checking because I still find it impossible to believe that the people I always saw as the “cool crowd” are friends with me!! I was really nervous to see you all on Sunday. I thought things might have changed in some way or another because I hadn’t seen some of you since before college started. I was afraid that I had been that one that changed and that it would be last time being invited to anything, this was obviously my high anxiety talking, I think I did okay though I don’t think you have any reason to kick me out. Either way, I ain’t leaving without a fight, I care too much to lose any of you. I feel like I’ve made my point, that’s all I wanted to say. Oh wait there was one more thing I forgot, I love you guys!!! (Is this sappy and gay enough, can I wait til the end of 2016 before I have to get this sincere and sentimental again?) Okay good and Thnks Fr Th Mmrs.

To my friends (or whatever we are) at college, thank you for taking care of me and not forcing me to drink or do drugs like my teachers at school had always told me would happen. Just so we’re clear I’m pretty much addressing this to people in my course, in my year and the different years, and also a few others not in my course. Thank you, for being so nice to me and keeping my social anxiety levels kinda of low by being so lovely, wonderful people. I know that my really quite demeanor and my need to constantly hang around the studio is probably weird but if I’m in the corridor for too long amongst groups of people I will start to panic, so the radio studio is my safe place. I couldn’t ask for better people to spend the next few years with. I never thought I would find college this fun but thanks to all of you I get so excited to go to college every single day, that waking up at quarter past 6 every morning is so worth it just to see all your beautiful faces throughout the day.  I appreciate everything that any of you have done for me and I hope that I have helped you in some way.

I guess it’s about time to make resolutions for 2016. Okay let’s see well 1.Lose weight – this doesn’t mean I’m going to join a gym because fuck that I’ll figure out better ways to exercise that won’t damage my knee any further.

2.Be a good P.R.O for the Radio Society- I want to prove that I can actually do a good job because this was originally what I wanted to do as a career, manage social media for a business or organisation/society.

3.Talk more on the radio – I don’t think I’m ready to commit to my own show but if I go onto someone else’s show every now and again, maybe next year I’ll be ready. The world is just waiting to hear my show where I talk about T.V. shows and movies that have amazing gay characters because they bring joy into my life, except when they get killed off. (Thanks for that Coronation Street). Also I think some people would appreciate my music choices.

I think that’ll do for now. Those are some pretty good resolutions. I would also like to get a girlfriend but I’m not putting that as a resolution because I don’t want to try too hard to get one and I don’t want to feel pressure to get one. Someone will eventually want to date me right?

2015, you were a great year filled with great people. 2016, please learn from any mistakes that 2015 made and make sure that you have the same great people. Who knew that this Dancing Queen would have such a great time during her 17th year on this Earth? (For the record, I’ve legit only danced once this year and that was during my Debs and I was wearing heels, so I think I did pretty well at least I danced and I was sober so I remember everything.)

Dressing Up: “Be Girly For Once”

Be girly for once?? What ever do you mean mother? I’m a girl is that not girly enough??? Does not being “girly” make me any less of a girl? What defines being “girly”?

I ask myself these questions a few hours after talking to my mom about what I will be wearing going to my friend’s birthday dinner. I told her I was wearing my white ripped jeans with black tights underneath and she seemed fine with that, but I said I wasn’t sure on what top I wanted to wear so she suggested that she buy me something tomorrow in Penneys. I said  “Yeah maybe I don’t know, I’d have to see whatever it is first before you get it. I’m sure I have something upstairs.” So she says “Pick something nice, don’t wear one of those check shirts and a tie again.” I was kinda confused and said “What?” as I looked at her to explain what she actually wanted to say. “Be girly for once, just for that night. It’s just one night.” I got a little angry and annoyed and said “Why? She said there was no dress code. None of them are going to care what I wear anyways.” Then I just looked down as my mother said nothing. I stayed in the room for a few more seconds and then just went back upstairs.

I know I’m getting angry about nothing but how many times does she have to bring it up. I know I don’t dress like a “typical” girl all the time. I wish she could get that I just don’t like pink. I don’t feel comfortable in dresses. I don’t feel comfortable in my body in general. Let me give you a gentle reminder, because I know I’ve said this before, I like being a girl and I never want to be a boy. I did think otherwise for probably most of primary school but that’s because I thought if I was a boy then maybe they would stop being mean to me. Apart from obvious reason for someone to bully me, I blamed the fact that I was a girl for a lot of the torment. Whenever we would have P.E. and we had to get 2 people to pick their teams, the girls were always picked last. Apparently us girls can’t play sports, we’re useless, we don’t understand the game, we’re not good enough. However, as the years progressed I realized that they were only picking on me. I was the sportiest girl in my class despite the fact that I wasn’t playing for any sports clubs or local teams.

We would play soccer at lunch time I would either be one of the first girls to be picked or one of the last. If a guy who actually cared about scoring they would choose me. Unfortunately, most guys didn’t think a girl could score they just picked the girls that they thought were pretty and just told them where to stand on the pitch and not to touch the ball. Of course I wasn’t going to just stand there for half an hour, I wanted to play. I didn’t care what team I was on, I would try scoring for whatever team actually wanted/needed my help. There was one guy who annoyed the shit out of my. He would think he was in charge of everything. It was so easy to annoy him back and he had really short hair so when he angry his entire head went red and he’d start giving out. One day, the ball was coming toward me and I was ready to get it when I hear him shout “Leave it!” as he tried to run from the other side of our small pitch to where I was, just so I wouldn’t have it even though we were on the same team. I didn’t listen to him, I took the ball and I ran toward the goal and I nearly scored, either way I dodged a couple people to get there so I actually played fairly well. People cheered me on and everything but while the keeper was gone getting the ball, I walked back down the pitch. The guy who had asked me to leave it was pissed off and yelled at me saying “I told you to leave it, why would you do that. I had it.” It was after that I decided that for the rest of the game I would boycott my team because of him. God help the day I learned what boycott meant. It was when we learned about Rosa Parks in our history book in 5th class I think, and when she got people to boycott the buses. I’ve used it way too much in my life since that day. So for this instance, we went back to playing the game and that guy got the ball, eventually, and I went and got it off him and ran towards the opposite goal trying to help the other team score and I think I did score. He was livid, “What are you doing you’re not on their team?” I responded to him saying “Well it doesn’t seem like I’m on this one either, maybe if you treated me like a team mate and actually passed to me or any of the girls on this team for that matter, I would play this properly.” Since primary school P.E. and lunchtime games, I’ve hated team sports. The amount of times I have gotten yelled at for just trying to play the sport at hand and participate it is ridiculous. It’s not like it was serious, it meant nothing. Yet if I failed to score a point or a goal, I was a loser. Even when I would succeed, they would congratulate me in the moment and maybe trust that I’d be able to score again in that game, when the next day comes however they forget everything that had happened. I had was constantly having to prove myself to them. Prove that I was good enough. Prove that just because I was a girl didn’t mean I was weak. As a matter of fact, I beat every boy in my class, bar two-one didn’t participate and one had been working out a bit, at arm wrestling. This was in 5th class, I was either 10 or 11 and I was stronger than practically every boy in my class.

When I left primary school, I had a hard time adjusting to a school where the boys weren’t there while my friendships were crumbling around me. It was actually relaxing in a way but just because they were gone it didn’t mean the girls weren’t making fun of me which happened a lot from 1st to 3rd year, in the end it was one girl and her two minions but thankfully for me they moved at the after the Junior Cert. Most people in school left me alone, I preferred that a lot more to the bullying. However, even though the school didn’t have boys, it didn’t mean they were really gone. Cycling to and from school in a completely blue uniform, where I wore a skirt, I got a lot of heckling. So I’d say I was “bullied”, if you’ll let me call it that, for about 12 years straight. Not mentally scarring in the slightest, I mean it’s so hard to believe I have mental illnesses isn’t it. I think a few of the reason I fear men, is because aside from one boy and one only, they would yell at, laugh at, or make fun of me. So I feel like that’s what they will all do from now on. There is other reasons why I don’t feel comfortable when I’m around a man, bar ones that I’ve now become friends with since starting college. When a man walks into the room I get scared. When a woman walks into the room I feel at ease or nothing changes in my mood at all.

Since starting college I feel like I’ve gotten a lot better than dealing with boys again. I needed that 5 year break though, well more like 2 year break because it was only in 5th year when I started to hide out in school waiting for them all to go home before me. My class has twice as many boys as girls, 8 boys and 4 girls. Everyone in the class is so nice and I’m still trying to get the fact around that boys are even talking to me, let alone allowing me to hang out at their house and make me tea while I wait for my late bus in the evenings. I spend all my time not in class in the radio studio. 1. I still have social anxiety, surprise it never goes away, and I find the studio as a safe place where I’m not in as much of a panic as I would be in the canteen where there is a load of people. 2. All the people in the society are some of the most amazing, most wonderful people I’ve ever met. (Emphasis on the ‘some’, my friends from Killarney are just as amazing and wonderful.) Anyways they are just so nice to me, and some are aware of my anxiety so they kinda get why I might be a little quiet sometimes. I recently got voted in as a committee member from the society. There is six of us in the committee. I’m the public relations officer, in charge of social media, helping with events run by the society, and stuff like that. There is also a chairperson, a vice chair., a treasurer, a secretary and a 1st year rep. I am 1 of 2 girls on the committee. The rest are boys, evenly divided between 1st and 2nd years. I really like all the people on the committee and we have a lot of shit to get done, so we need to work well as a team and make our mark on the society.

Back to the reason I wrote this blog in the first place, I don’t see why I should be girly. I mean I started wearing make-up for the first time in May and I wear it at least twice a week to college. Isn’t that something? I know it’s not much but like it’s enough for me. I can’t bothered with half the stuff anyways, like why have eyebrows become so important in the last year or two? With that in mind though there is a girl in the radio society who wears make up and does her eyebrows and everything, and she does an amazing fucking job. I usually never like when people have there eyebrows drawn on in any way because it usually looks like it’s way too much and they look awful and worse than the caterpillar’s that live above the eyes of a lot of men. This girl however does it so well that they actually look really natural, or as natural as they’re going to look with whatever girls use to fix their eyebrows with.

I’m honestly getting so angry being at home since the summer. My mom just keeps trying going on about stuff I don’t want to talk about. Some of these discussions I’m forced to listen to unless I want to tell my mom that I’m gay. I stay in college really late because I don’t really want to go home. I feel bad saying that because I know I’m lucky that I get to go home everyday whereas a lot of other people at college are far away from their homes and can’t wait to go back every weekend. Whenever I try to get work done they always barge in and get me to go look at something or do something, it’s like they forget I’m trying to get a degree.I just need space. It’s like I’m a different person at college than what I am I home. I’m an angry, sullen teenager at home and I fucking hate it, if it wasn’t for my dog I would go insane. Also this year I’m going to have the worst Christmas ever. I’m not going to complain about it though because how can I say I’m going to have a bad Christmas when some people are completely alone during the holidays or are on the streets. I will tell you why I know this will be a bad Christmas for me though. My brother’s girlfriend is going to spending Christmas with us and also a couple weeks. I really don’t like her and I want to keep my distance from her. Also, apart from her presence on the day, and the prior and following weeks, the magic of the holiday season is gone. I’m not excited about it anymore. The only thing I’m excited about is the fact that I don’t have to travel on a bus for 2 and a half weeks, and because my friends are all home from college and I missed them.  I also have 2 exams to study for that are on in the start of January, so I hope I can actually study without being interrupted by my parents or distracted by my brother and his girlfriend, who’s laugh kept me awake at really late when I was trying to sleep before my one of my leaving cert exams. If that bitch gets in the way of these exams too, I’m literally packing my bags and not returning until she is gone. I will sleep anywhere I don’t care it’s better than feeling like I’m a fucking stranger in my own house. When she is here half of the fridge is her vegetarian and lactose free shit. My mom’s always buying her all this special food that can be really expensive sometimes, but then says she can’t afford to buy me something that I actually need. It’s nice to see where the priority lies in this family. Also my mom goes to so much effort to make special vegetarian dishes for that bitch and she just about says thank you, and then only eats about half of the meal. I probably sound like a whiny brat, because I want people buying me a load of stuff but when my brother is able to live in accommodation up in Limerick and be given money for his rent, and having his girlfriend having so much stuff bought for her. Yet I can’t live in Tralee. Tralee of all places, like how can I not afford to live there? Is not like it’s Limerick or Dublin. I think it would be nearly safer for me to live near college than travelling by bus all the time. I like the idea of being able to go out, I hate having to ask to stay with people in order to be able to go out. I have so many late evenings next semester that I will only be at home to sleep because by the time I get back home, I have 9 hours before I have to get the bus back again. New Year’s Resolution: Get accommodation!!!!!

 

Compliments

I’ve never been able to take a compliment whether it’s about my ability to do something, my personality, or, more than anything, my appearance. I have never been, nor ever will be the pretty girl. In primary school, I was a laughing stock amongst all the boys in my class, they wouldn’t touch me with a ten inch pole. Secondary school, was probably even worse. I got laughed at going to and from school because I cycled, I still don’t get what was so funny so I’ve made my own assumptions. I’m ugly as fuck. I have no features that could attract someone in anyway. I’m also fat, but no matter how much I starve myself and go to soccer practice I still can’t lose weight.

I only started wearing make up in May of this year and even with that I don’t wear it that often. I used to be really against make up. I thought it made people look fake, why couldn’t they be happy with how they looked naturally. I know that’s hypocritical but just because I feel a bit better wearing make up around people I like, it doesn’t mean I’m happy with how I look. Since coming to college, I haven’t been really laughed at or made fun of openly about my looks. However, that doesn’t mean I think any compliment I’ve received is completely honest. Not all of them just some from the first couple of weeks. Recently, I’ve had a lot of compliments. On Monday during the day at college before the bus incident, I was having a great day. My friend said that my hoodie was nice even when I said “oh no it’s really old I’ve had it for years”, she still said it was nice and that I looked pretty. I wasn’t even wearing make-up apart from some eyeliner and mascara. She then was like “have you done something with your hair?” She was the first person to notice my haircut even if it wasn’t straight away. For the first time in like ever I actually felt good after hearing that, I still didn’t think I was pretty but that’s not important here. We were in the Radio studio and one of her classmates was outside the studio and she was yelling at her outside to come into the studio and give her a hug, but it didn’t seem like they were coming in. So since I was standing beside my friend she was like “Sandra come here, you give me a hug instead.” So I hugged her and I immediately just felt so happy. Also she gives great hugs. Later on that day too, I got a kiss on the cheek from one of my classmates, talk about the highlight of my day.

I started writing this blog over a week ago, so some of this is old news. That doesn’t mean the feelings have disappeared or even diminished. I still think about all the compliments I got that week, because I got a lot, and in a way they make me feel really happy. I even tried taking a selfie today to maybe try and actually have a Facebook profile picture of my face for once like people will see who I am from the get go and not be like “oh she’s not the pretty one in the photo, she’s the other girl.” I didn’t take many because I couldn’t find a reason to try and get a good photo. I’ve lived with this face for 17 years and I’m still not used to it. I still don’t like it. I’m afraid I will never like it. I know nothing about relationships but from what I’ve heard you need to learn how to love yourself before others are really going to love you. So if I never learn to love myself, will I be alone forever?  Well with that attitude, of course I will no doubt about it. Negative attitudes just bring about more negativity in someone’s life and I should know because I’ve been like this as long as I can remember and it has in fact driven people away. It’s why it takes me so long to make friends, I can’t see why they would like someone like me.

I was on the phone to one of my friends nearly two weeks ago and it was the first time I really talked to her since I started college. She asked me “So tell me about your friends at college.” I told her “Well I don’t know if I really have any friends, there is people I talk to more than others but…” She cut me off before I could finish the sentence saying “Those are friends. That’s what friends are Sandra.” We continued our conversation, but I’ve kept thinking a lot about this even two weeks on. What is so wrong with me that I’m afraid to call people my friends? First and foremost, it is my fear of rejection. I also really hate awkward tension, and I know that if I was rejected by someone there would be a lot of awkwardness between us. Another reason being is that I’ve always taken friendships incredibly serious. I really don’t want to fuck it up (again). I’ve written before about how for the last few years I’ve felt really lonely, and how I didn’t really fit in, and blah,blah,blah. I’ve talked about it enough there is only so much pity people will feel for me, and I have to stop this repetitive, sadistic, theme involving how I used to lack strong relationships with people. Not that I like pity, I fucking hate it, but the more I keep going on about it the more pathetic I’m going to sound. However, it links to this quite a bit, and also I would like these next 4 years to be as amazing as I can possibly make them. Therefore, if I remember how things used to be it will motivate me more to distance myself from who I was back then. It’s been about a year since I started to become closer friends with the people I can’t imagine my life without now. I just love them, and if you say anything bad about any of them I will proceed to punch you in the face okay? I mean if you saw them, you would see why I have such major body insecurities. All my friends are beautiful, like even when they’re not trying. Like in secondary school, nobody really tries too much. Some days you might look a wreck but you’re in school so there’s no need or point in trying to hide that you are in fact tired and are not in any mood to paint on a new face. I’m not saying that this is what my friends were like but something similar to that affect. None of them really wear tonnes of make-up anyways, mostly because they don’t need it. I hope they know that.

I on the other hand do have to wear make-up. I might still look like a wreck but at least I’ve hidden away some of my freckles and the dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. It doesn’t change anything. No one is ever going to look at me the way I look at someone I have a crush on. No one’s heart is going to beat faster when they see me because they are excited to see me. No one is going to get butterflies in their stomach when they talk to me. No one will ever love me in a romantic sense. Sexual sense on the other hand is a different story. Now they won’t love me but they might get attracted to me, sort of. Like the man on the bus, he was attracted to me because I have boobs. I wish I had smaller boobs, also a smaller body. Well one reason being that I hate male attention. I feel like I can’t wear any type of low cut shirt without some creep staring at my boobs. It’s not like I’m the only person who has them. It’s also not like my boobs are very big in the first place. The average bra size in the UK, and I assume Ireland is the same, is currently 36D. It used to be 34B but it has changed in the last few years. I’m size 36C so my boobs are technically average sized. I don’t know why some women are so secretive about their bra size, like we can see whether you have small or big boobs saying the size just the size won’t be a big shocker, it just makes it way easier to shop for you now. Not that I would ever really buy someone a bra because that shit is expensive, but you never know I might someday when I stop being a stingy bastard. I never asked for boobs, they just appeared. I kind of wish I had seen the 1995 film ‘Now and Then’ when I was a kid, maybe I would have smaller boobs if I had started taping them down like Roberta did. I don’t want my boobs to be the main point of attraction. Being gay, I’m not into men, so I wish that they would feel the same way. Go fuck the straight girl I like, I don’t care, just don’t go anywhere near me. I think that the incident on the bus has increased my fear of men. I’ve never really been afraid of women like ever, apart from teachers at school. That has to do more with my fear of all member of authority though.

Since the incident, I seriously can’t take compliments on my appearance anymore because no matter how genuine the person complimenting me might be, all I can think of is him saying it. Whenever I get a compliment, his voice echoes in my head, and I see his silhouette just haunting me there until the day I die.

Childhood Dreams: What I Wanted For The Future.

All kids have dreams, something that they aspire to be or something that they want to happen in the future. I felt like my posts recently have been a bit negative, and the last one a little scary even to me. So I thought I’d lighten it up a bit, because I’m in a good mood today and my mental illnesses don’t define me.

So when I was a child, I had these wild dreams. I believed that I could become anything that I wanted to be, all I needed to do was grow up a bit because kids can’t do anything. Boy, was I an idiot or what? Some of my dreams might have only lasted for a day or maybe even a few hours. For example, I think I wanted the be a fighter pilot, race car driver, gangster (needless to say I played a lot of Grand Theft Auto as a child). I wanted to be Mary Poppins for a really long time. Whenever it was windy, I would always stand up on this small wall at the back of my house, open up an umbrella and jump off and as high into the sky as I could ready to fly away. It never worked, although one time when I was little and it was ridiculously windy, I was walking to the shop or something and I jumped up a little bit and got blown back a little bit while in the air. It felt like I was flying or something, it was only for like a millisecond but that still counts. My dreams of being Mary Poppins had been dashed until that moment, the dream really seemed possible (even though I know now that there is no way that I can be her). I like to think that that moment symbolises hope, but also magic because it’s fun to believe that magic is real. Things can magically happen all the time, they usually make life better.

On that note I also really wanted to be Hermione Granger when I was a kid. While some girls want to be like some Disney princess, I wanted to be a witch who was incredibly smart and getting A’s in all her classes. Being a baby when the books came out, I grew up more on the movies. So I always thought that Hermione was really pretty, and I idolized her since I watched the first movie when I was like 4 or 5. I also wanted to be Lisa Simpson. Can you see the common theme here? I really wanted to be smart/intelligent. All I ever wanted was to be really good in school, I want to be abnormally smart where the teachers were impressed by me, like how Matilda could multiply big numbers in her head. I wanted to be Matilda too, again another smart girl.

Some of my dreams that I had for most of my childhood, and even still now, are those like wanting to be a skateboarder, a rock star, a teacher, a professional soccer player, and even, a gymnast. Most of these are very unlikely for me to ever accomplish. I have tried and failed at being a skateboarder countless times since I was 8. I don’t have the voice for rock or punk, I’m not Joan Jett or Joey Ramone. I always wanted to be a primary school teacher, because I never felt like I excelled at one particular subject enough to want to teach it for secondary school. My dream started to go away when I couldn’t keep doing honours Irish, but I had kinda grown out of that idea anyways. I have never been on a soccer team, not yet anyways, and due to this current lack of knowledge about what really being on a soccer team is like I feel like I wouldn’t be able to do it. I don’t understand the offside rule, it seems that the players are only offside when they are the team that I like and are so close to scoring. I’ve become full of aches and pains in my old age, and I’ve lost interest in being a gymnast and I hate the outfits they have to wear. I also wanted more than anything to be a baseball player, but growing up in Ireland I could never do that, so that will forever be a dream deep down that won’t go away, either way it’s fun to watch.

My most constant, most important dream, has been that I dream to be happy. My New Year’s resolutions for 2015 were 1.Be funnier and 2. Be more positive. I feel like I succeeded in the first one, and I haven’t completely failed the second one. I have been more positive this year. I have been much happier this year, but that happiness needs some work. Like all things in life, this is going to be hard work but I know that I can do it. Whether it’s interacting more with people, watching YouTube videos that make me happy, or joining a club or society while at college.
This song never fails to make me happy, I just love it because I think it’s just a good upbeat song.

Also this video is just really cute and I like watching it.

Mental Illness Take 3:Why I Won’t Go To A Doctor.

Before I get into the reasons why let me tell you what’s been going on in my broken, busted up mind. So on Wednesday, my mom’s half-uncle and his girlfriend were visiting from England. Now he hasn’t been to visit us since 2002. I wish I could say the same for his brother that comes here every year to get loads of free meals, and be pampered by family, even though every thinks he’s a stingy, cheap man and they dread the time that he comes to visit. Anyways, my mom’s half uncle was last here when I was 4, so obviously I don’t remember him. He seemed nice and so did his girlfriend(for the rest of this they will be referred to as the couple), but when they were having tea in the sitting room, I went outside instead of awkwardly standing in the room listening to their boring old conversations. So I went outside and sat with my dog for like 20 minutes. I went back inside just in time for dinner. So we sat at the table all 6 of us, my parents, brother, the couple, and, of course, myself (the dog was not invited, unfortunately). So I began picking away at the salad that was in front of me, not really my favourite of meals. About half way through it however I got this weird feeling. It was like a switch in my body got turned off. Now this switch is located in my brain, it powers feelings. So when the switch is on, the feelings are positive, or at least neutral and not negative, everything is working smooth up in the ol’ noggin’ of mine like a well-oiled machine. When this switch is switched off, the feelings become negative sort of gradually. The machine slows down and comes to a stop. The positivity has no power to when the machine isn’t on, so  from there begins the onslaught of negative feelings. Negativity needs no power whatsoever to infiltrate your thoughts. That’s kind of how it felt like, on that particular day. Once it looked like everyone had finished eating and my dad had left the table, I went straight up to my room. I closed the door behind me and lied down on my bed with a teddy bear (laugh all you want, it’s comforting as fuck. At least you can hug them, imaginary friends aren’t huggable. Not that I actually had any imaginary friends, I always found them really difficult to imagine even when I felt super lonely). I went on my phone and watched a video or two on YouTube. Not necessarily funny videos, just catching up on what was in my subscription box. I mostly did this as a distraction. Next thing I did was text my friend, because I hadn’t talked to her in a while and we said we’d go to the cinema when a movie we both wanted to see was out. So I brought that up again because the movie is almost out. I didn’t get a text for a while. It didn’t worry me because I sent a text to my dad the night before and it didn’t get to him for like 2 hours, and my phone is just annoying and I hate it. So I would periodically check my phone for the next couple of hours. I only went back down stairs after about a half an hour because the couple appeared to be leaving, but I went back up stairs after they went outside the door. When I did receive a text it was a positive answer, and while I didn’t reply straight away I had to confirm with my dad that it was okay that I went out on the day my friend suggested.

As the night progressed, I got a lot worse. First off my mom threatened to not let me go out for a meal with my friends. She told me “You can’t just order rice, order a proper meal or you’re not going.” While I know I couldn’t really do that, it’s not like I wanted to be the one to spoil everyone’s excitement by saying that I really wouldn’t like Thai. I wouldn’t want them to go changing the restaurant we’re going to on my account. Either way I’ve decided that I’ll order some okay looking chicken dish, and pick at it and it’s not like I have to eat it or anything, just so long as I pay my fair share of the meal. Possibly pay more as an apology for my lack of co-operation towards trying Thai food. I’m sorry that I’m a picky eater, I hate most type of sauces and vegetables, both seem to play a  big part in Thai dishes. It’s not like the meal is the most important thing,  it’s the fact that that will probably be our last time together as a full group before we all start our college courses or plc’s in a couple of weeks. So after my mom finally left the room after I picked something proper off the menu on the restaurants website, I decided to watch a DVD. I’ve had ‘Cabaret’ now for a good couple of weeks, and thought I should get around to watching it. I hadn’t much of an idea what it was about apart from Liza Minelli being in it as a cabaret singer. It was kind of a weird movie and I only made it through about half of it before my laptop shut down for no good reason. I made no attempt to try watching the rest of the movie as I had become too distracted early on in the film. I was having these horrible,depressed feelings, I put my head in my hands and began to slowly rock back in forth wanting to get these emotions out of my head. I had also the same teddy bear from early on in the day in my arms before this too. Earlier in the day I had taken out my drumsticks and hit my legs with them for a while. I usually do this because I don’t have drums and I just drum along to songs by hitting my legs. This time I had done it with the intention of hurting myself, even though I had never used drumsticks for anything other than playing along to music (not well I might add). Obviously, it didn’t work. It’s never really been something that hurts, as I usually hit like my shins or my knees. No matter how I had I hit my leg with a drumstick it wouldn’t do much. So while I was watching the movie, and my head was filled with dark feelings and after rocking back and forth for a few minutes, I got the drumsticks out again. I held them in my hands and lightly drummed on my head, about as much as the part in the ‘Little Drummer Boy’ the “pa-rum-pum-pum,pum” bit. It wasn’t a lot anyways. I couldn’t take it anymore, now this was at like 2 or 3am, I got down my rubber band ball and I took a rubber band off it. I put it around my wrist and really thought about it first. I thought on one hand “Do I really want to do this again? Is it worth it?” and on the other hand “You are a weak human being, if you can even call yourself that, go on do it I dare ya.” I even went as far as pulling the rubber band back and ready to launch it at my arm, but then I thought about a conversation I had over a month ago. It was when I posted the first of these Mental Illness blog posts.  I remember my friend telling me all these nice things about me, saying that she was there for me and all other stuff along those lines. However, this half memory wasn’t going to be enough to stop me. So I thought, “maybe if I see the actual conversation, I might stop and change my mind.” So I went on to Facebook and waited for the old messages to load for what felt like ages as I somehow managed to not pull the rubber band back and hurt myself. I was determined to fight it, I needed to fight it. I’m not a kid anymore I can’t take the easy option by becoming completely taken over by these negative feelings. Once the conversation finally loaded, I looked for the part I could remember. I was right. Reading those messages actually helped.  I remember how happy I was at the time this conversation took place, and how I was like that monkey emoji that covers it’s eyes because she was saying really nice things, and my only way to react to any sort of compliment is to cover my face. I don’t know why, but I think it comes from the child mentality that if I can’t see you, you can’t see me.

Around that same time of the early blog posts, I got other people sending me messages, but I never went into a proper conversation with most of them. This one in particular though, we both send equally long messages and each message having about 4 or 5 parts. Like one about the blog, one about something funny, each part was kind of separate and nothing felt forced. For the first time in a long time, I had like a normal conversation. I would respond relatively quickly, and I was being kind of funny, I like to think so anyways I felt like I was on a roll.  The reason why I didn’t contact this friend and actually ask for help, was because it was freaking 3 in the morning. Also, I had nothing to say. This was brought on by nothing. There wasn’t a reason why I felt depressed.

So now, to link back to the title, this is why I won’t go to a doctor. What the fuck am I supposed to say when things like this happen? Nothing caused this to happen, it just naturally occurred. This is why no one ever took my “illness” seriously as a kid. “If you don’t have a reason, then nothing happened,” that’s what I always heard. Not that any of us knew as kids that mental illness was a thing, but either way when I told people the way, it felt wasn’t important to them. I have a wild imagination they’d say; this is just another story of fiction. Yeah because you know what I love doing in my free time, making up really sad stories of things that never happened so fun. I’ve never had a great imagination, and I suck at writing fiction. I am an honest, real, writer that can only really write about things that happen to me(sometimes being a bit too honest, but the last thing I want is to lie about this stuff). Which I do see as a positive. I mean if none of my past ever happened to me, who’s to say I would still be a writer? Inspiration can be found in the darkest of places, motivation can be found when you see the light.

Secondary School: Failings,The Bad Memories And A Small Rant About “Shifting”

Now that it’s officially over for me, I thought I would share some of the stupid things and embarrassing things I did throughout my secondary school years. For the first 3 years of secondary, I was still a child, nay I was still a baby. I’m sure most of you don’t remember me in those years, and to be honest I probably don’t remember anyone that wasn’t in my class. The smallest little things upset me. Everyone in my primary always said I was dating my guy friend. When I was in my friends’ classroom one day in 1st year, a girl who had gone to my primary school brought it up for no reason. She found it funny, I told her to shut up, and then I proceeded to throw a whiteboard duster near her. Not at her, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone I just wanted to be left alone. So I threw it at the wall and it made a loud thud. This was about a couple of months or maybe a year after the infamous Paul Galvin duster throwing incident that led to a boy getting stitches. I didn’t want anyone to tell a teacher because I didn’t want to get in trouble, and I don’t think anyone ever did tell a teacher. However, my best friend, at the time, had just walked into the room when I threw it and she yelled at me so much that I ran out of the room crying. It was worse than any teacher giving out to me, because at least it was normal to be scared of teachers, not of friends. Well I know I deserved that, like I did do something bad.

On Valentines Day in 1st year, my mom had bought this heart shaped chocolate brownie cake from Marks and Spencers. I decided to tell everyone that my Spanish boyfriend had sent it over, because in 6th class I had a crush on a Spanish boy (as well as like 3 other boys). He was only in our class for one year, but I had a crush on him immediately. Anyways people were all crowding around me from my class being like “Really? What’s he like? Is he cute?” I panicked and told everyone straight away that I was kidding that I didn’t have a Spanish boyfriend (or any boyfriend for that matter). Then they kept bringing it up for the next couple of months. I hated art, which is why I never kept it on past 1st year. I wasn’t any good at it. I really didn’t like the teacher, but she ignored me for the most part thankfully. On one of the first days, when we had to sketch what was in front of us, and the girl next to me said that my drawing was good. I literally snapped at her and said “You’re just saying that because you feel like you have to because of how bad it actually is, it’s actually horrible. You’re lying about it.” I turned away and she did not know how to respond to that, but who would really. I loved music, I wish I could’ve kept it up past 1st year. I found it so easy back then and I even got an A1 in the summer test. I know that music wasn’t as easy a subject after 1st year, but I’d say I would’ve been better at that then I was at science.

Home Economics is the only subject that cause me to cry just as much as English, the only difference being with Home Ec. I cried in school and everyone saw me. 1st year wasn’t too bad for that subject seeing as it was only a double once a week, that we only had to do for half the school year while the other half of the class did computers. Over the course of 2nd year, I hurt my hands a lot doing the subject. I kept pricking myself when I was sewing, I couldn’t sew very well. I burnt my small parts of my hands and wrists (it was an accident every time). While I was practising for my practical, I kept cutting my fingers when trying to cut off the core of the apples for the crumble I was making (again totally accidental). I was making a vegetable soup and an apple & raspberry crumble. It meant I didn’t have to worry about handling meat or eggs, which I felt would’ve lost me loads of marks, because I was kind of careless when it came to cooking/baking. I made plenty of mistakes and I could never get all my cooking and washing up done during the time we had for the double, so I had to keep going back at lunch times to finish cleaning up. Don’t think for a second that mistakes went unnoticed. I get yelled at for everything, and without fail I would cry every time. I would be so angry with myself and in my mind I would be saying “You’re such an idiot. Why would you even do that? Stop crying you look stupid.” I always looked forward to double theory, not because I really like theory but it meant we weren’t cooking. I also did really like my teacher at the end of the day, even though I was scared of her. I had her for religion in 1st year and I loved religion. Then in 2nd year I got, the main religion teacher(aka she teaches it at leaving cert level). I was afraid of her. Before I had her, I remember I was in my 1st year room beside the library, and I had Galaxy Minstrels in my lunch, and when I saw her coming in I hid them under my lunchbox because being new to the school I didn’t know if there was certain restrictions against sweets and stuff like that. She saw me hiding them, so she picked up the packet and says to me “What? Do you think I’m going to confiscate them?Hmm?” and then she proceeds to take one of the minstrels, and she sort of smiles at me. I was kinda just freaked out, cause she was meant to be this really strict, teacher that struck fear into the eyes of her victims. Yet in that moment she seemed like a normal human. I was just as scared of her when I had her and it was for 2nd year only because she went off on maternity leave in 3rd year and left us with the most horrible substitute ever (except maybe some of those sub English teachers over the past couple of years that I never had.) When she left in 3rd year, I started to hate religion because of the sub. Not only as a subject but also my “faith” which being in the adolescent stage and questioning God and his is motives, was in a rocky place at that time anyways. I also think when my teacher came back from her maternity leave, she had kinda of chilled out a bit, like she seemed like a completely different person. She was way nicer to us, but that could’ve been just because we weren’t juniors anymore, because all the teachers seem to have this hatred towards the juniors.

I know loads random things from studying subjects I didn’t like for so long. Like the statue of the two deers in town, I described it to my friend as “2 stags in competition for a mate.” This isn’t always bad, what’s bad is when no one gets it, like a Physics reference or a reference to something a teacher said during a class that not everybody I’d be friends with would have been in. I’m fairly good at referencing things, be it a subject or something from TV or movies. However, I learned that I can’t really make puns and it’s really disappointing. Like I’m genuinely upset about this realization. I was so glad going into 5th year because I got to drop subjects I really didn’t care about, mostly due to my hatred towards the teacher. Like geography,history, exam religion, and business studies. That doesn’t mean I loved the subjects I did keep on. I enjoyed the sciences in 5th year, but in 6th year the only subjects I liked were English, and pass Irish. From 1st to 3rd year, there was this girl in our school who had 2 girls, her posse, following her around all the time. I had to deal with them in primary school and thank God they moved away after 3rd year (or was it 2nd year). The main one, was always dancing around the place, often dancing in front of or around people to block their path. Her posse would film nearly all her dances. Of course, they had to film her dancing around me when I was just trying to get books from my locker so I could leave and go home. I never liked any of them, they always used to laugh at me throughout the years. Also they were around every fucking corner. Wherever I went, they were always there. It felt like they were following me. (None of this helped the whole paranoia problem I have, but I swear to God they were always laughing at me.) None of these memories seem that bad I guess, but I’ve tried really hard to block out as much of the first 3 years of secondary school as I possibly can and I think I’ve done a good job. I have fallen off my bike a couple of times cycling home from school in those years. Of course it was before I started to stay around after school, so everyone could see. The worst and probably most painful time this happened, I was going from the road onto the footpath but I went on it a little sideways as opposed to having the wheel pointed straight at the curb so I feel really hard onto the concrete. Also, my school bag was usually really heavy, and when I fell that time it nearly would’ve broke my neck I had flown forward off the bike instead of just dropping on my side. I was going kind of fast and there was people on the footpath so I tried to slow down, but I didn’t slow down by much. When I did fall, all the people waiting for the buses saw me, and this large group of boys(obviously) laughed at me so much. They didn’t give a shit if I was okay, they just taught it was hilarious. I’ve always found videos of people falling over kind of hard to laugh at especially since that experience. I can only laugh if I know that they are doing it on purpose.

You might notice that I focused on the first 3 years, that was mostly because the worst things happened back then and things have been mostly looking up since then. I still do little things that are super embarrassing but that’s something I don’t think I’ll ever grow out of, unfortunately. I hope some of these early memories don’t make you see me any differently. Even though you wouldn’t believe it, I used to be an immature,annoying kid. (Because I’m sooooo not like that now.) Also, for those of you who might say something about me liking so many boys in primary school, it doesn’t make me any less gay (or whatever I identify as, I’m still know but that’s okay). Yes I did genuinely like them, it wasn’t forced on me. I was always told I went for the “uglier” boys, but I just liked the ones who weren’t mean to me (which wasn’t a lot) or else ones who didn’t know I existed(which was a lot). Also personality plays a big part on how much I like someone. I’ve liked girls who I think are like goddesses, I just can’t fathom that a real person could be that beautiful. Yet, when I mentioned to a friend these people she noticed that none of them were the typical choices that they guys would go for, they weren’t the “obvious” beauties, but their personality is what I clung onto. Also for someone who can’t handle any bit of eye contact whatsoever, my favourite feature about a person usually is there eyes. I don’t think I have any particular physical preferences in a girl. I mean I would probably be more impartial to someone either with blonde hair or else dark brown hair like me. I love dark brown eyes, or at least I think I do from the photos of celebrities I would look at when I was a pre-teen like Selena Gomez (I had a huge crush on her back then). Other than that there isn’t anything else really. What else do people usually look for in a girl? The size of their boobs and their butt? Because neither of those things make a difference to how attractive someone is, or at least they don’t to me. Well I think that butts are weird anyway and I hate them. I hate any songs that reference them too like ‘Anaconda’ by Nicki Minaj. I know that we’d all look weird without them, but can’t you let me pretend like they don’t exist. Could there be a little less about butts in pop culture and a little more of literally anything else? It’s also one of the reason why “meeting” or “shifting” grosses me out so much. What I learned from the few times I saw people shifting is that the girl puts her arms around the guys neck, which is standard, however the guy puts his hands on the girl’s butt. Like how are those things equal? Why do girls let guys, who sometimes they have only just met, touch their butts? The kissing itself never really grossed me out it was just the butt touching part.(Even though I do find most, not all, kissing between a boy and a girl to be gross. I’m not just saying that because I’m gay, or whatever, but a lot of the time it just doesn’t look right) I do have a big problem with this whole kissing complete strangers thing. It’s what people my age and younger seem to enjoy doing, so to each their own. You can do what you want, life your life the way you want to, I mean no disrespect or judgement. I just don’t like it personally.

Results and College: I Don’t Know What’s Happening.

So I got my results on Wednesday. I was really nervous during the days leading up to it, and especially the morning of it. I couldn’t have breakfast (what’s new there, I’ve gotten bad with it again. I really need to start having that again). I just had some coffee because I was sick with nerves. When I get there I see Mae and she had just got her results and she was ecstatic, she got the grade that she really wanted in her favourite subject and she assured me that I would be fine. My mom was like the only parent in the building, all the other students were in there by themselves. I was glad when the DCG teacher said that she could wait outside near the office. The entire 5 years of secondary school, I was never the first person to see my results. My mom would always open the report first and then show it to me after. She would ask me why did I get such a low grade in certain subjects. I was happy that I finally got to see my grades for the exams that I did, that I cried over, that I worked for, before she could see them and judge what I got. I went into the room myself. The principal was in there, and there was brown envelopes covering the boardroom table. She handed me the envelope and said I could open it in the room or just take it and leave. Obviously, I chose to open it in the room. My immediate thoughts after seeing the first couple of grades (the 3 core subjects grades) was “Oh my God, I’m really fucking smart”. They were all B’s I felt so proud, except for the fact that 2 out of the 3 were pass subjects. I was so excited though when I saw that I had got a B in English, that was all I wanted seeing as I dedicated soooooooooo much time to it. The last 4 years have been filled with long nights of crying over English homework, it could be because I felt a little scared of my English teacher that I’ve had since 2nd year. I’ve always found her intimidating, but she knew a lot, she actually seemed to like teaching even if she often told us that she couldn’t wait to retire especially after having us whinging at everything, she said she never had a year like us which wasn’t a good thing but I know she loved having us . I always wanted to impress her, but I’ve only seemed to really excel at English this year. I’ve always liked it, but I used to be really bad at it. I will miss my English teacher though.

While the rest of my grades that I got in my Leaving Cert weren’t great (2 D3’s, a D1, and a C3) I had what I needed when my principal told me that I had 325 points, as of last year’s points my course is 300 so here’s praying it stays that way or doesn’t increase by much. I thought that I did amazing, I was so happy with that like I got the points and I have the requirement of 2 higher level C3’s or above and 4 ordinary/higher level D3’s or above. While I was waiting to go in my friend had just gotten her exam and waited outside with my mom until I got my results. So when I came out of the room, I feel like I was telling her what I got as opposed to mom.  I said what I got really quickly because I couldn’t believe that I passed all my subjects let alone got the points that I did. So my friend was so excited for me and she gave a hug and I was so so so happy.  Then I asked what my friend got and she got WAY better than I did. It didn’t make me feel like ashamed of what I got, that happened later on in the day.  I was delighted for her, like she has her course no problem and her grades were freakin’ amazing, but no surprises there, that girl is just insanely smart. I was glad she was there though, it was the best thing having someone there that was excited for me and knew how much I was worried for the exams.

When we got outside the front gate of the school, I started to talk to some of the other girls that were around the place while me mom called my dad to inform him of what I got. Now when my mom told him, my dad thought she said that I had gotten 335 points, so when I took the phone and he heard me say the proper number he seemed slightly unimpressed. Is everything that I do wrong? I’m sorry that I didn’t 490 points like your darling boy who is going on to do his final year project in Energy that will lead onto a PhD. Why must everyone make me doubt everything I do? That’s when things started to go downhill.  We went to where my mom works and she told some of the people there what I got, they weren’t too dismissive of it, they could see I was happy with it and they said congratulations and gave me a free coke. It was anyone else that my mom told, seemed completely unimpressed and looked at me as if I was the most idiotic, buffoon that they’d ever come across.  By the time we got home and when my mom called other people to tell what I got, she would stick only with the good things like the B in English and I had gotten enough for my course. I was glad she finally decided to start doing that, no one needed to know how many D’s I got (that’s a private matter, the only people that need to that are me and my gynaecologist). So when I got home I heard what some of my other friends got, I was so happy to hear that they had done so well. It was also comforting to know that someone got the same Chemistry grade that I did.  I know that this post and my last one are about how my parents haven’t been happy with me, and stuff that I’m doing. (Can you see why I don’t to come out to them right now?) Everyone gets annoyed with their parents every now and again. I think it’s part of being a teenager that I have my disagreements with them.

Everyone was going out to celebrate their results. While I felt like I had something to celebrate that morning, by the afternoon I felt like I didn’t. Also I had enough after being out at the Debs on the Monday, a great night but social events are very mentally draining for me.  So I had told a couple of people that I wasn’t going out at all. Then at around half 3 I got a text from my friend who had been there when I got my results, saying did I want to go around town with her until she was meeting up with people to go to Puck Fair for a good night out. Of course I said yes. I had a great time walking around town with her and we talked about lots of stuff because other than the Debs we hadn’t really talked all summer so we had loads to catch up on. It felt like we were only talking for like 10 minutes and I didn’t even notice how much we had walked until I was walking home with my dad and my legs were aching. It was something that simple that got rid of my feelings of self-doubt and somewhat forced disappointment of my results, and made me cheerful again.

So with the fact that points for courses can change every year and there is no way of knowing by how much they’ll change by, I’m still not certain if I’ll get into college. I will know at around 6am Monday morning. I don’t plan on going to sleep. I want to stay awake until I find out my fate. I used to think that going to an Institute of Technology was a bad thing, and that I should be going to a big name college, but I’m kinda okay with the idea now. Something I have been thinking about though is that college starts really soon. Everyone will be gone in a matter of weeks. It’s going to be weird to be in a school environment without all my friends there. I can’t wait to find out how there first few days at college goes, I hope that they really like their course, make lots of new friends, and have great nights out having the true college experience. I’m pretty sure that my college doesn’t have a ‘Freshers Week’ so I guess that could be something that I’m missing out on, and I’ve heard that there supposed to be fun.

In relation to my course, I don’t understand how there wasn’t a certain grade that I needed to get in English. I didn’t even need to pass it as long as I had passed Irish and Maths. One of the modules that I have to do in 2nd year is called ‘Ideas,Representation and Society’ and it consists of me analysing plays like the work of Shakespeare,Beckett, Oscar Wilde. Like I’m pretty sure that someone needs to have at least an adequate skill at English to do things like that. Also all my elective options have the option of doing an Irish module. So basically it forces someone like me to pick the only other elective option. For semester 3 I get 2 other options besides the Irish one,Stopmotion Animation and Media Graphics, whereas in all the other semester there is only 1 other option that I will have to do. So I will have to do 2D Animation in semester 4,Radio Studio Operations in semester 5, Video Motion Graphics in semester 7, and Special Event Management in semester 8. These are only the electives I have other mandatory modules as well. Now these might all sound interesting, and I’m sure they are, but I don’t see the point of having them included as elective when I’m sure the majority of people will be veering away from the Irish option. Also some of my first year modules have loads of projects. For Film and Narrative Studies, I need to create a short film (about 5-7 minutes) based on a classical piece of music provided, and I also have to design and script an original narrative game. I know that is in the 2 semester, but coming from secondary school when have we ever done anything even like this. If I went to school in England I could’ve been doing film and/or media studies, then maybe I would be prepared. Other than English, I have no pre-requisite knowledge for anything that their on about. While others are on the same boat as me, I’m sure that they know what they wanted to do an have taken to teaching themselves about such things in their free time. I only knew I wanted to do this course for the last couple of months. I really hope that I can manage this course alright, because it does seem really cool and more exciting than anything secondary school ever had to offer me subject wise. In a matter of hours I will find out if I got my course, the last week has been so stressful, I;m glad that all this stuff is finally ending and I’m getting answers. I’m sick and tired of waiting (I’m a really impatient person, but I really am sick I have a sore throat and I keep having to stop writing and blowing my nose).