To Dexter,

Well it’s coming up to the time where you will depart from the college to go on work placement. It is also the time where I will realise how much I actually needed having you around. Over the past year and a half, you have been without a doubt ome of my favourite people that I’ve met at college even though I might not always say that. That is merely my gender bias as typically I do prefer girls. However, you have changed my perspective on that. When I entered college, a nervous and extremely socially anxious 17 year old, from the first day I met you you have always been really nice to me. Which before you, I didn’t think it would be possible for a guy to be in any way kind to me. You restored my faith in the male population.

I met you during the first week of classes. My class and I were in the R-block waiting for our lecturer to turn up. We told you that we were 1st year TV Radio and you introduced yourself to us and ask all our names. You urged us to join the radio society. We would see you two more times that week, again both times you were telling us to join the society. So when societies day eventually came along I signed up because although I didn’t know what to think of you because it felt like you were following us everywhere, I was interested to see what the society had to offer. I went to the first meeting you were the one I looked for in the crowded room because you were the only society member that I knew. You have continued to be one of the people I look for in a crowded room to this day.  I remember the first time I actually saw the desk and got a crash course on how to use it.  I was at the seating area across from the radio studio and was able to hear your morning show playing while I tried to get my work done. I got really excited when I heard you fade Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’ into Johnny Cash’s ‘I Walk The Line’. I thought it was the most amazing show ever because the songs weren’t the typical shitty pop songs that are constantly on commercial radio stations. You walked over to one of my classmates and I. I asked you “Was that you just on the radio there?” Trying to pretend as if I hadn’t already memorized the show timetable by the 3rd week of college. You said it was and asked if it was good because you could only play music because the microphones weren’t working (shocker).  I then proceeded to fangirl, to an extent, as I told you how much I loved the song choices and how cool I found the fading between songs. You then brought me and my classmate into the studio to show us how the desk worked and I immediately forgot everything, but thank you for the introduction to it. We all stayed in the studio until class started about an hour later. I told you that I was gay and then I think I quickly changed it to bi but stated I had a preference to women. I think that was the first time I had said it to someone in college. We started to show each other photos of each others friends and asked did the other people think they were hot or not. It was one of your ideas to do that, not mine.

The first time I think I hung out with you outside of the college grounds was the day of the power cut. It was in October and we all got to leave really early. So we went with the then 3rd years and another girl in my class to McDonalds. The 3rd year tables were already full so it was me,you and the girl in my class at a table together. You asked us who the bitch in our class was. I said “It’s obviously me.” You laughed at that. After that the 3 of us went with two 3rd years to your house. We were there for a while. You played call of duty with one of the 3rd years and kept saying things like “Isn’t my house really cool?” You were pretty much just trying to be really cool the entire time.

At the first normal meeting for Bang FM, the shows in which first years had to sit in on were being decided. You knew that I was a bit nervous about having to sit in on a show so you put me with the two chairpersons of the society and you assured me that they would be nice and welcoming and not to be nervous because they will teach me how to use the desk, and very well I might add. Through our conversations over the next few months I felt myself becoming more comfortable around both you and the rest of the members of the society. I was less afraid to go into the radio studio as I had been avoiding going in there for the first two months out of fear of everyone else. I was also very gullible in first semester to anything you told me. After a while I realised that you just talk a lot of shit and not everything you say actually happened. Like you weren’t as much of a stoner as you had me believe, but at the time it was all I could think of to write in the Christmas card I gave you. It was the end of December when we both got voted to be in the new committee for the society. I was so excited for myself because I got to be P.R.O. Even more than that though, I was really proud of you for becoming the chairperson. I knew that I had to have fun being on that committee because you would be on it. I always had fun even through all the stressful times of work.

I loved every meeting, especially the committee ones. We hadn’t much going on for the first month but then came the planning for our event as well as all the publicising I had to do for it. I liked being a part of something and I liked knowing what was going on before anyone else did.  The actual event planning and all my work online wasn’t all that bad. It was all very successful and the event itself went very well. The forms for BICS on the other hand were absolutely dire. We spent more time together during the time we were doing them than we ever have since. Every evening we would be doing forms and stressing out about them for a few weeks. We were even in doing work over the Easter break for them. There was points where I was getting so stressed that I got angry at you, and  actually most people around me at the time.  There was a few evenings where we would leave college and I remember one of them when we walking and it was a night where we had most of the work done. We got to the roundabout where you would have been crossing at to go home. You gave me a hug and were like “Thank you missus. Wouldn’t have been able to do all this without you.” I don’t think there was ever a time where you made me feel unappreciated. You made sure I knew that the work I was doing was good. I would like to thank you for that because it made me want to keep working and it made all the stress worth it. I liked that we communicated well. If something needed to be discussed about the society you would call me. You called me once on your walk to work and I don’t think many other people have realised that calling me is actually useful and that phones are capable of doing such things.

You are one of the few people who can deal with my mental health in a good way. You always kind of know what to say to me and you are constantly checking up on me. I was after having a major anxiety attack one day when we needed to get work done last year and I said to you “Right, I don’t want anyone in here bar you and Captain Kerry because we need to do work. Keep everyone else out. Except Jodi she’s cool I guess.” You always ask why I’m not feeling ok as opposed to just moving on from it and forgetting I said anything. You try to make me laugh during those times too because sometimes I’m upset for a stupid reason so you just call me a loser and tell me the truth that I am, in fact, bringing that pain onto myself and I need to stop doing that. You are right, yet I refuse to listen.  Recently you have been there for me even more. I tweeted something recently which was really bad and had I done what I said I wanted to do, it would have been harmful to me. Despite the fact that you do not follow me on twitter, you decided that you would look at it as a way to check up on me. You talked to one of my roommates as soon as you found out to check see if I was ok. You didn’t check with me directly or tell me about this until a day or two after because you didn’t want to freak me out. You told me that I was stupid for even thinking about it and I know I was. After you had this discussion with me on Thursday, you gave me a hug and that day I was also feeling really shitty so that hug actually meant a lot.  Even while writing this blog you were checking up on me to make sure I was ok.

So this semester started off with me seeing very little of you, which I was very vocal about not liking. I hated that I hardly saw you. Then about a month ago you started calling up to my house for tea and even spending almost every night of one week at my house always later than 1am. As this semester comes to a close I need to face the music that you won’t be around for next semester. I feel like I’ll be a bit lost without you. I’m trying not to think about too much about it for as long as possible. I guess the real point of this blog was to say that I will miss you. I know I’ll see you again in September but I’ll miss you face around college everyday. I know I don’t say it enough to you so I just want to say, thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the last year and a bit. Thank you for putting up with me when I’m in a bad mood. Thank you for caring about me because I’m always insecure about the fact that I feel like no one cares about me, but I know for definite that you do. I love you loser and let’s have one last hurrah before you leave for work placement!!

I’m Losing My Memory

I’ve noticed over the past few months that my memory is getting worse and worse. For the most part I think it is attributed to my alcohol consumption as I have gone out at least once a week for almost every week since September.  It’s gotten a lot worse recently probably because I had a lot to drink over 3 nights in a row last week. I find it really hard to remember some parts of Pink Training. Like I took a snapchat of my friend dancing away in Chambers and I had no recollection of it and was really surprised to see it on my story the next day. It scares me when I can’t remember things. I usually have one of the best memory’s when it comes to nights out or any event in general. I can remember the smallest of details that everyone else always forgets ever happened.

I went out Thursday night and since I had no money I had to do all my drinking before the night club. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that drunk before. Even my drunk weekend seemed tame in comparison. I was over drinking at my house for a while before going to over to the 4th years place. I was langers when I got there. I was outside smoking a cigarette at one point and I kind of fell against the wall and said “I’m seriously drunk and I hate it.” I went back over the my place after a while to go to the bathroom and my roommate wouldn’t let me go back to the 4th years until I downed 2 pint glasses of water. It did nothing. Refreshing yes, but that is the extent of the help it gave me. We eventually went to Fabrik and for the first time ever I wasn’t asked for ID going in there. I had already bought my ticket so I could walk right in without queuing to pay. I told Jodi I was going to the bathroom and I’d see her inside. When I left the bathroom I couldn’t find anyone for what felt like ages. I got really upset and frustrated because I just felt really lost on my own and it was really busy there too so I was anxious as fuck. I felt like their was a war going on inside of brain,heart,liver and stomach all night. All locked away not to be shared with a soul. Even if I had told someone how I was feeling I really don’t think they would have understood the full extent of it. I don’t even fully understand it.

I’d say my favourite part of the night was the walk home. I was with Jodi,Tab and Stan. I was really walking with Jodi as Tab and Stan were a bit ahead of us. I was told today that there was people I met at the Fabrik last night that I don’t remember meeting. Anyways as we were walking home we were belting out the chorus of Robbie Williams song ‘Angels’, as well as listening to a few other songs while we walked. I was definitely happiest in that moment. I noticed as we began to leave town and head home that I was being really needy and clingy. I just kept linking my arm with Jodi’s. I don’t know was it because I hadn’t seen her all day until I went to the 4th years house. I don’t know did I feel like I was going to fall over. I don’t know what was wrong with me. As happy as I was with them, I was relived to be back at the house so I could get to bed. Stan was staying on my couch and I didn’t go into the sitting room so I only found out today that Dexter was also sleeping there. I didn’t even know he was in the house. I didn’t even see him all night. I went up to my room anyway still smiling and happy from the walk home. That was until I turned the light on in my room and closed the door. I just looked at my empty bed and got really sad. I felt lonely. I wish I had someone to share it with, although it’s only a single bed. Nothing sexual or anything because I’m not about that. I just wanted someone to hold me and make me feel safe. Make me feel loved and cared for. I don’t know why I’ve gotten really upset about not being in a relationship. I know this happens ever now and again but the idea of someone actually being in love with me, and it not some cruel joke someone plays on me to mess with my emotions,is still just a mere fantasy. As the months go by I feel as though this could remain a fantasy for a very long time. Due to the fact that I’m not really into the whole having sex thing, my ultimate wish from a physical point of view is someone who will hug me forever. From an emotional point of view all I want is someone who cares a lot about me, adores me as much as I adore them, makes me laugh, helps me through my anxious and depressive states, tells me stories, talks a lot and let’s me just sit there and listen. I guess I just need to be patient. I’ll have that someday. I deserve to have that someday right?

Pink Training 2016!

I don’t think I have the words to properly describe what that weekend was but I will try to paint the picture of it as best as I can. It was the most amazing weekend of my life and I can’t be more thankful that I had the opportunity to go. It was the 1st time in a really long time where I was at an event and I didn’t feel insecure at all. For those of you who don’t know, Pink Training is a 3 day long event run by the USI in relation to the LGBTQIA+ community and discussing current issues affecting the community and learning more about other identities that we may not know much about. I didn’t really get too excited about going. Mostly because if I get too excited about something it usually ends up going to shit. I got nervous about going to it alright. I’m not a stranger to being out and proud but it is still a secret to the likes of my parents and family. I made sure when I started college that everyone knew that I was gay, or at the time bisexual. Only one person ever seemed to have a problem with it and they have since ceased in their detest for it.

As proud of my sexuality as I am, there is still issues I always have with it and there is ways in which I hide it. I never think about my sexuality a lot and it is something I always push to the back of my mind. In fact, I thought I might like girls from the age of like 12 and didn’t think it was something I needed to waste my time thinking about so I just forgot about it. It wasn’t until I was 15 or 16 that I started to learn about what being gay really was and that I actually could be a lesbian. On a daily basis, I do tend to hide half of my sexuality because of the negative stereotypes and misunderstandings that go along with it. That is the fact that I am asexual and if I tell anyone that they just want to tell me that I’m wrong and when the right person comes along I will change my mind. They think that because I’m asexual I can’t be attracted to girls and my lesbian status is wrong. I am romantically attracted to girls and I do have sexual thoughts towards some of these girl crushes it doesn’t make me any less asexual and being asexual doesn’t make me any less of a lesbian.

So back to Pink Training. We started off by registering. We ended up getting a bag full of free things, a t-shirt which has a quote by Oscar Wilde on it that says “Be yourself;everyone else is already taken”, we got wristbands that say “I’m an LGBT ally”, and we got lanyards where we wrote our name, pronouns, and our college. The pronouns being on them was really wonderful to see because it erases the need to try and awkwardly ask and you can skip right to the stage of respecting what someone’s pronouns are from the beginning. Like if someone asked me what my pronouns are it would make me feel somewhat insecure like I think “Do I not look like a girl?” At the same time that isn’t exactly how I should be thinking because what does it mean to look like a girl but when you are the gender you are and you accept and identify yourself as that gender you just feel like everyone else should be able to see that too. It’s also the fact that as a cis female I have been mis-gendered more than once so I feel really strongly about using the correct pronouns for everyone because that mis-gendering stuff feels really shit.

After registration we got free pizza and then since we had registered so early and that was on for 2 hours we went to the room where the first talk was on in and watched them set up the speakers and microphones and stuff. While this was happening  one of the guys working for USI was just playing a videos on the projecter and we were just pissing ourselves laughing. Eventually the talk was starting so we got our seats up in one of the middle rows of the lecture hall that it was on in. As eager as we were about Pink Training we weren’t eager enough to stay sitting in the front row. I loved the welcome talk so much it was really during that talk that I really started to get excited about Pink Training. Also that my love for one of the USI members is still intact and stronger than ever. We didn’t have really many talks on the Friday it was mostly and introduction so we for all of Friday we just had the welcome talk, icebreakers and then a Lip Sync Battle. On the lanyards we got a important person in the LGBT+ community written on the back of each one e.g. Laverne Cox, Ellen Degeneres,Harvey Milk etc. There was rooms marked with a photo and description of who the person was an whoever’s name was on the back of our lanyards was the room we had to go to for our icebreakers. I got the Panti Bliss room. The icebreaker was a bingo game where it had things like “Is a Ravenclaw”, “Actually likes the taste of vodka”, “Has a crush on someone at Pink Training”. The whole point of it was that we had to go talk to the other people in the room in hopes that we could say yes to one of the boxes on our bingo sheet and we could cross it off and write their name on underneath where we marked it off. It was fun actually and I usually really hate icebreakers. We went back into the main room of the Training which was the Harvery Milk room and we watched the Lip Sync Battle. We learned a lot about Harvey Milk over the weekend and before then I had never heard of him but now I’m really interested to learn even more about him because his story is really interesting and I’ve always been very curious in the LGBT+ community in the 20th century. The Lip Sync battle was amazing but due to unforeseen circumstances it was cut short and we watched the rest of the acts on Sunday. It was hosted by one of the local drag queens and I realized this weekend that I love drag queens. They just make me so happy.

When that finished up we drove back to the hostel to get ready for our first night out in Cork. Unlike most colleges we drove to the event and I think it made it much better because if we had to rely on public transport I’d say we would have missed talks because we would not have gotten up in time for the bus. Also the drives up and down were a really great part of the weekend. We got to the hostel and I was given a top bunk. I didn’t ask for one but I secretly wanted one more than anything. As soon as I got up there I think I was really happy. I was sitting up there Saturday morning and Jodi looked up at me, which was a first, and was like “I have never seen you more happy than when you’re sitting up there. Like you have not stopped smiling since you got up there.” The room was really small but luckily it was only the 6 of us from our delegation that were in the room so it wasn’t that bad. It just meant that I couldn’t always leave the room when I wanted to and I kept having to delay it because there was nowhere for me to walk. I just sat up on my bunk pretending like I was getting ready. It doesn’t take me that long to get ready anyways so it wasn’t that much of a hindrance. I did have to use alternative sides of the bed to get down that weren’t the designated ladder but I didn’t fall once (thank god). While we were getting ready one of my friends in my class sent me a message saying that she showed her friend a photo of me and she thought I was “gorgeous”, which made me feel like this was a joke message because who the fuck would think that about me. I knew it wasn’t a joke because my friend wouldn’t do that but anyways the girl was looking for my number. I knew I didn’t want to give her my number but I still wasn’t completely sure what to do so I showed it to Jodi and she read it out to the room. The entirety of my delegation was like “Message her back right fucking now and get that number!” I messaged my friend back anyway and said I didn’t feel comfortable giving her my number because I didn’t know anything about her bar her first name. Also I didn’t want to be thinking about that while I was going out because I was really hoping this weekend I would get my first ever shift but that never happened. At least some people got that lucky this weekend!!!

So we eventually called a taxi to get into town from our hostel. We had a little bit to pre drink but we had to leave so that we would be in before half past 11 because they had free entry until then. We didn’t make it in in time but entry was only €3 so it wasn’t that bad. So I had my first experience with Chambers and I fucking loooooooved it!!!!! Until I went there I thought I hated nightclubs, I still probably hate most of them but I love Chambers. The music wasn’t bad and I had waaay too much to drink that night. At least I had one drink paid for. That was by a girl that I met at BICS in April and who I referred to in that blog as Hedgehog, so I’m sticking with that as her name for the rest of this too. (Alternative title for this blog was ‘The Return of Hedgehog’ but I didn’t want this blog to be all about her, I think someone else would might a much better one than I ever could about her). I spent all night in the nightclub with my delegation, Hedgehog, and a guy who was at Pink Training that I have been friends with since I was 5 and I had not seen him since March so I was really happy that he was there. I can’t even remember what drinks I had that night but that’s mostly because I wasn’t the one who ordered them. I just gave someone money to get me whatever shot they were getting. All in all Friday was a good night. We got back to the hostel and I went up to my bunk first because somebody wasn’t ready to go to bed yet because apparently one would regret sleeping in jeans, but not me I didn’t regret it someone else felt like they would have and told me I would too. I was literally lying down covers over me and everything and then I hear that Jodi and two of the girls were going out for a cigarette and I sprung out of bed and I was like “Wait for me I want to have one too!!” After our cigarette we went back upstairs and were getting ready for bed. A teddy that Jodi had bought earlier that day was kicked out of the bed. There is a story behind this teddy and it makes me laugh so much. So when we arrived in Cork we were there a few hours before registration started so we went to the Wilton shopping centre. We went into Penneys and you know we were shopping around getting things that we needed like unicorn bracelets and some stuff we didn’t need like fake eyelashes. We were looking at the gift section of the shop where they were selling customized cups and mugs and stuff and Jodi sees this little penguin teddy there all on it’s own and it made her feel sad she was like “Where’s his family? I need to go find his family!” She looked for the family for the bones of 30 seconds and gave up but wouldn’t let go of the teddy. If she couldn’t find his family then he was coming home with her, and that’s exactly what happened. Even though when we were in the queue she did actually see a place where there was a load of these small Christmas teddies, at that point she had developed an emotional attachment to him and had to buy him at that stage because there was no turning back. She walked out of their then and was like “I don’t know why I did that. I don’t need him. I couldn’t leave him there but like why did I just buy him?” Anyways as the day progressed the teddy later became known as Fred, I think it was a very apt name. So when he got kicked out of bed Friday night I felt bad for him. Once he got the name I really felt like he became part of the delegation. Also I usually have a teddy at home so I found comfort in having one while I was there. Especially seeing as I had no person to actually cuddle with, I had to deal with what I was given. I am sure though that anyone who had someone to actually cuddle with there had a much better night than I did. I got really emotional Friday night when I went to bed after my cigarette so I kind of had a bit of a short,silent cry before I actually went to sleep and no it had nothing to do with me sleeping in an unfamiliar place or anything like that I just felt lonely in a room of 6 people.

So Saturday morning was not very fun when waking up. I was so tired but thank god all I had to was throw on a t-shirt and wipe off my make-up. I went to a lot of talks on Saturday but there is a few I regretted not going to. From the ones I did go to though I learned how to run a kick-ass society, the link between repeal the 8th and LGBT+ rights, and decoding bisexual stereotypes. I loved that bisexual talk so much because there is so many stupid stereotypes surrounding bi people and they infuriate me more than anything else so if you think that they are representative of what it means to be bisexual than I will physically fight you you fucking ignorant bastard. We then got a talk from Microsoft because they were sponsoring PT and honestly I couldn’t complain especially when I saw the speaker from Microsoft. As in Jodi, Hedgehog and I were all sitting next to each other and just weak for the speaker, she was insanely pretty and the American accent really helped, or at least it really did for Jodi. We then got a talk from a guy who had a history with the gay rights movement in Cork and really pointed out how much Cork is involved in the movement which I never realised until his talk. We then made our way back to the hostels to get ready for night 2. I decided I would wear a dress because why the fuck not? While I didn’t really feel insecure over the weekend, there was a few points where I felt less secure about myself because of someone else. Someone who I found out is the same clothes size as me, has a really fucking attractive body and then there’s me with nothing to offer anyone unless they want to cuddle a fucking human marshmallow, which no one obviously fucking does. (Sorry that sentence came off angrier than I intended it too.) The people in my delegation really liked the dress when I showed it to them and when I wearing it they said I looked nice. That was the start and end of any compliments I received during the weekend, it’s not like I expected any.

We left the hostel to go to the bar where we were meeting all the other delegates for the Pink Party. There was giant Jenga, finger food, and more importantly there was a bowling alley on the second floor. The place seemed unreal. We had to be at the bar around half 8 after getting back to the hostel at around 7 so there was no time for pre-drinking, much to everyone’s dismay except mine because I’m a lightweight.  So when we got to the bar, Jodi and I went to a nearby off licence so that she could buy a naggin of vodka. It was down a not very well lit alley way and because she was nervous for just the two of us to walk down there she said “Should we get a lad to go with us?” To which I responded being “We don’t need a fucking lad!!!” So we made our way there fine but Jodi had to do a bit of a jog back because she was still a bit scared about that alley way. We got back to the bar and Jodi ordered a 7-up and we went upstairs so that she could go to the bathroom to mix it with her naggin. She was acting as if she was doing something illegal like it felt like we about to plan a heist or throw a cherry bomb down the toilet or something.  We went back down and met up with the rest of our delegation and headed towards Chambers. We made it there just in time for free entry. Also I was happy I wasn’t as drunk as the Friday night because I had to show my age card, student card and lanyard and I would have not been able to do that if I was any more inebriated. I think I had the best night that night because while we were in there I got to meet the USI president and I think I died and went to heaven. I can’t remember the last time I was that incredibly happy. We didn’t even talk for that long. I told her that I saw her at the Education March a few weeks ago and I loved her speeches from that and she immediately goes “Have you contacted your local TD yet? You’d better contact them as soon as you get home. Promise me that.” I told her that I will but we’ll just leave it at that. While I was talking to her and just on cloud nine, Jodi was standing nearby with one of the other USI officers and she says to him “Look over there, look at Sandra.” He goes “What has her so happy?” Jodi just says “Because of who she’s talking to.” I think he then just rolled his eyes. I then had a shot with the USI president and another officer, I think it was sambuca. After I was done with that interaction with the USI president, which two days later I’m still on a high from, I ran straight over the Jodi and hugged her, kissed on the cheek and was like “Thank you so much!!!!!” Jodi then said that even more than when I was sitting up in the top bunk of the bed in the hostel, she had never ever seen me more happy then that moment in Chambers. I don’t know if I had ever been that happy before but I loved it. I love that the happiness hasn’t subsided yet. I also got a selfie with her so I can always relive that moment. We were in Chambers for another while and then we headed back to the hostel.

This is where I brought the happiness to a halt. I don’t know why but I got the idea into my head that I would be cuddling Jodi that night, like why would I think  when I’m you know human marshmallow and all that, but I got really upset when I found out that it was not to be. I had no right to be upset. I had no reason to be upset. I just remember we were both outside our room in the hallway and as I go to the room door I just said like “Go fuck yourself Jodi!” She says to me in a sort of calm voice, “Sandra, stop it. We never said that was going to happen.You can’t get upset about this” Again I go “Just go fuck yourself”. She said “Are you going to be angry at me in the morning?” I kind of smirked because I’m not used to being angry like that and she said straight away “Ha you’re smiling, you’re not mad at me at all.” If anything I think this made me more upset and I don’t know why so I just started saying “Do whatever the fuck you want I don’t care anymore you can fuck off!” Then she said something that kind of broke my heart she was like “Do you want me to start crying?” I completely switched and I ran up to her and I was like “Please don’t cry. I’m sorry. I really don’t want you to cry I was being stupid.” I think I had said sorry but it’s hard to remember. A lot was happening in the space of a few minutes. So then I gave her a hug and she started bawling crying. All weekend I never felt any bit sick but in that moment I actually felt so sick to my stomach with myself. I felt evil. I felt like I had done the worst thing, which I did. I hurt someone who has never hurt me. It didn’t matter that I was drunk, that is no excuse. I was an utter bitch. So while I was hugging her and she was crying she tried to let go and said “I’m fine.” I said in a sad sort of soft voice, “No you’re not.” Still crying she said “You’re right, I’m not” So I hugged her for a bit longer and shortly after that she stopped crying. We did make up before we actually went to bed but I again silently cried myself to sleep but that night it was worse because I knew I had fucked up. You know what I didn’t deserve to cuddle anyone that night. I didn’t even deserve Fred, the penguin teddy, but I had him nonetheless.  I don’t think I said anything about it the next day because we were so busy for most of the day so I think I kind of blocked it out. I thought about it in the car but I didn’t want to bring down the vibe of the car journey home and also I only wanted to say it to Jodi. I sent her a message when I got home because I couldn’t sleep without properly apologising. I am really sorry about what happened and I feel like I am coming very close to strike 3 in this friendship so I’m worried if I fuck up once more that’s it. She’ll say “gone good luck” to me and that’ll be it. I know I’m being a little paranoid but my biggest fear, even more than spiders or the many other things I am extremely fearful of, is losing her as a friend and I will try my hardest to make sure I don’t ever fuck up again because I fucking hate this feeling and I hate what I did. Now all I can do is apologise, prove that it won’t happen again, and try to show her that I’m not a complete fuckwad.

Sunday morning I woke up and everyone was rushing around packing their bags which I had pretty much done all of the night so I know I had time to keep lying there and not doing anything. I think I got hit twice to get the fuck up and then I got a pillow thrown at me by one of the girls and I threw it back at her and was told that if I didn’t get up straight away she would go over to my bunk and attack me. So I sat up immediately and was like “I’m up, you can’t attack me now!” I ended up just throwing my jeans on and sitting up there while I watched everyone else rush to get things done. Like I was ready to go before anyone else really. Yet none of us would have left in time for the only talk I was actually really excited to go to which was “Asexuality 101” the first of our cars that went would have gotten there half way through the talk and I didn’t go then because I’d rather have been in that talk from the start, I couldn’t walk in half way through into that talk. When Jodi knew that I was missing it I just said to her “Well there’s nothing I can really do about it now. It’s fine!” I was in the room for ages with Jodi and Hedgehog and the whole time I was still just sitting up in my bunk. Jodi was like “Are we all ready to go?” To which Hedgehog says “Sure Sandra isn’t ready to go she’s still up in bed!” So I tried to be cool and really fucking smooth and jump over the railing of my bunk on the ground below and I landed successfully. However, I really hurt my shoulders when I jumped from the bed because I was holding onto the railing of both my bed and the one across from it. So when I jumped down I felt like I was going to pull my arms out of their sockets. As soon as I landed I laid down in the bottom bunk until my shoulders stopped hurting which took a couple of minutes. It would have been nice if they were more concerned about the fact that I could have dislocated one or both of my shoulders but sure look and sure listen I was fine. I didn’t need anyone to care. It just shows what happens when I try to be smooth and show off. It ends up making me look stupid.

We got into the college in time for about half an hour of the safe spaces. Each identity had their own room so like there was a gay safe space, a bi safe space, a transgender safe space etc. So I wasn’t really in the mood to go into one of these talks alone,I wasn’t with anyone who was my orientation and I was torn between going to the lesbian space or the asexual space. I just went with Jodi into the bisexual safe space and I really loved it. The speakers in their were amazing and like I really just loved the atmosphere of the room and hearing all the different stories. If anything I think that that was the best talk of PT bar anything that went on in the main lecture hall when we were all together. We had the rest of the Lip Sync battle and it kind of woke us up a bit. Then it was followed by the very emotional goodbye talk. As in the president of USI started to cry towards the end of her speech and I fucking lost it. I couldn’t deal. Also just the idea that Pink Training was ending I was an emotional wreck leaving that lecture hall. We then went and got a group photo taken with us all in our different colour t-shirts that we were given which were made up of the colours the rainbow. We got our lunch and then decided to head off after saying a few goodbyes. We went out to the car and we were there for a bit before we actually left but in a few ways I was very happy to be heading home. We stopped for McDonalds in Mallow on the way home and I found out that I had some sort of drink Saturday night that had brandy in it and I didn’t even know. To be fair I feel like my memory of this weekend is really bad. I honestly think that I drank too much and it’s taking me far longer to remember all the little details that I usually do after a night out.

As relieved as I was to finally get home, it was still a sad time especially since there was no one in my house when I got back. Also as soon as I walked in the door all I could hear was voices inside my head. It started off with just the voices of who I was just in the car with and then it became voices of everything that happened over the weekend whether they were conversations I had been involved in or not, I could just hear all of these different voices and some I did not recognise. They started getting louder and louder and I felt like I was going to break down. All I wanted to do was hit my head and try to get my brain to shut up, but luckily I resisted. Thankfully my mom called about 45 minutes into my crisis and while I didn’t tell her what happened, it did get the voice to start to quiet down and eventually disappear.

I waited for one of my roommates to come home and talked to her for a bit before I went to bed. I slept for 11 hours. When I awoke the Monday morning I think I felt really happy. I never wake up happy unless I have plans in which I’m really excited for. I didn’t get into college until like 20 past 11. I had a really good day at college, even better than usual. I did only go to one of the three classes I had but that’s a normal Monday recently. Jodi actually went to college even though I really thought that she wouldn’t because she didn’t have to be in. We actually saw a lot of each other today which I thought was really weird because I thought that she would definitely have had enough of me after the weekend. In the smoking area I actually congratulated her on surviving the weekend with me. I brought up the fact that I was going to write this blog and she told me not to write some things in this and I respected that and told her I wouldn’t. The main reason being that all throughout Pink Training it was always said that not everyone wants what they were doing at Pink Training out on the internet because the whole point of the Training was that it was a safe space where everyone’s privacy should be respected so that’s why I kept some things out of this. Another big reason being is that she is my friend and if she really doesn’t want me to write something on here then I won’t because what good would that do anyone. It’s not like these things I would’ve have written had any relation to me. She is the only one who has the right to share them. However, she did tell me also tell me not to write about our fight because it would just make her cry, and that’s the only thing I said no to her on. That fight was all my fault. It was me being a complete bitch. This is part of my therapy process. I can’t only deal with the good parts of the weekend, the one bad thing that happened needs to be mentioned too so that it is out of my system and I can actually move on from it because if I don’t I could overthink about it for months and really bring myself down about it.  However, today despite those post PT blues we both got on as normal and I made her laugh a lot which is always my favourite thing to do especially since the most difficult thing for me to do is to get Jodi to properly laugh out loud at something I say instead of just a giggle or something like she usually does. So she was on Facebook and a post came up about Pokemon of which she knows very little about. It was about having hope in yourself because something as useless as a Magikarp can turn into something as strong as a Gyarados. So she found this funny but didn’t fully understand it so I described Magikarp in a way I knew would make her laugh, I said “All Magikarp fucking did was flop around, he did fuck all!!” While saying that I was moving my hands like a fish would moves it’s fins when it’s out of water and flopping all around the place. I gave her a hug when she was leaving and she tried to break off that hug but because today wasn’t the best day for her I knew she needed a longer hug so I didn’t let go for a little bit after that. When she was getting her bag and going to leave she said that she did really need that hug. I honestly think that was the only long hug where it wasn’t because I was being needy, I was actually trying to do it selflessly because I think she needed it more than I did.

I have come away from Pink Training a bit confused like I was when I started college last year. I feel like I could actually be bisexual, with more preference towards women. I’d still be asexual though so like dicks still repulse me more than anything on this entire planet. So maybe I’m not really bisexual but that’s for me to continue to try and figure out. I’m really proud after coming away from Pink Training with questions because I really thought I was at the point where I was dead certain on what I identified as. That’s the thing though sexuality can be fluid so this will probably be a constant thing I question for the rest of my life but at least now, compared to a few years ago, I actually do know that there is women I’m attracted to and I know a few things about them that I’m attracted to. Pink Training is just to help me progress through this journey of sexuality.#ProgressInPink

My Life Isn’t All That Bad!

I use these blogs as a way to vent and tell you why my life is shit. Yeah well that is what life is for everyone, it is shit. I need to remember more often that I actually have a not so bad life. I still wouldn’t say it’s like totes amazeballs but I have a lot of reasons to be happy with the life I’ve been given.

Over the last numbers of weeks, I had become closer to giving up. I expected last week to be my last week ever, despite not having a suicide planned out at all. I know I need to go see someone about this but I just can’t do it. I don’t want them to tell me I’m crazy. I am afraid they will think I am a severe case and send me off somewhere that I will be hold up in for the rest of my life. Yet I have no problem telling non-professionals all my problems. Well I guess not all my problems because I didn’t tell anyone until this blog that I wanted to end my life and the want for that has been building up over the last 2-3 weeks. Why would I tell them though? What good would come out of that? If I told my friends, I would probably just make them upset and that’s the last thing I want. Newsflash to me: They do care about me and they do love me.  So let’s talk about this week and how even though there has been a few awful points to the week, something has turned my mood right around and I can’t help but feel happy.

The week started fine. All my classes were fine on Monday and Tuesday. On Tuesday we has a seminar on in the college called “Media Madness” where speakers from different forms of Media and with a load of experience and work in the area came to talk to us and answer questions. It was really interesting and I  learned a lot from them and also where I do not want to work in the future. I decided that I would go out Tuesday night and I actually had a really good night. I went pre drinking in one of my classmates house and it was really nice to have like most of our class all together.  When we were going out only half of us who were in the house left while all the others stayed in. We went out and there was only like one of the usual places open so we went there for a little bit. We left to see if the late bar that we’d usually go to was open and it wasn’t so we walked back to where we just were and I looked across the road at the ATM and I saw Jodi. I ran straight across the road and when she saw me she screamed “Sandra!!” in an excited voice and gave me a hug. We all then went back into the bar we were in earlier and stayed there for the next 2 hours. The DJ was actually playing good music for once. I got very drunk that night. I bought a few drinks out but I didn’t order any of them I just give the person ordering the money to get me whatever they’re having. I gave Jodi a €10 to get my drink so I needed €5 euro back. However drunk me thought I had given her a €20 note so I kept saying that I should get a ten back as well as the five but then well I realised that I was in fact wrong, I said I was sorry and I felt kinda bad. We were going up for a drink when Jodi and I’s song, ‘Lush Life’, came on. She noticed it before I did, which rarely happens, and she looked at me screamed and dragged me by the arm back to the dance floor. To be fair the song isn’t played all that often anymore on nights out so that made it more exciting when we heard it. Jodi hugged me a lot that night and also this week in general. What comes to mind from that night though is when we were on the dance floor and there was a guy, I think because I never looked, grabbing onto my and pulling me back and Jodi pushed his hands off and then pulled me into a hug and then asked me if I was ok. When we left the bar we walked home. Well we walked to the house of one of the third years we were out with. I went there for a little bit since it was only a short walk away from my accommodation. They were all kind of falling asleep so I decided that I would go home and that woke Jodi up a little. She was like “What? No your not. On your own? No. We’re walking with you to the corner of the estate at least.” I just told her that it was fine and they didn’t have to walk me there I could get there by myself. I was really happy on the walk home though because I was just thinking about the night and how good it really was. I was so happy actually that I started jumping and kicking my heels together. I did make a bruise on my ankle doing that but it was worth it I think.

The next day at college was not so fun. I got my sketchbook back in Media Graphics and it’s 50% of the whole module and she said mine wasn’t even worth 10%. It just really bothered me and it still does. I nearly started crying while the lecturer ripped into me for my work, or therefore lack of  work in her eyes. I only ate 3 hash browns at around 11am and then didn’t eat for the rest of the day. I wasn’t in the mood to eat. I wasn’t hungry.

Thursday was a much better day even though it was kind of stressful. I had a presentation to do and I was shaking while doing it and I don’t know why I just got really nervous. I finished college at 6 and I had to rush home and get dressed and eat before getting a taxi down to a bus that was bringing us to the Fashion Show that the SVP Society in the college was running in one of the hotels in Tralee. I ended up missing the bus and the taxi driver had to drive me out to the hotel. It cost €11 which I guess wasn’t bad but I wasn’t planning on spending that much to get out there. They had a drinks reception at before the show and I think I had about 6 or 7 glasses of champagne. Later on during the show I had a bottle of Corona  which didn’t really affect me so I was fairly sober. I actually really loved the fashion show it was really entertaining. It probably helped that I knew like half the models. When the show finished I got a drive back with Jodi and one of the other 4th years, who I will call Tab. We went back to Oakfield because there was no way anyone was going out sober. I went to my house and I hadn’t planned for that part so I drank 2 cans that were in my room that my friend left last time he was there so I need to replace those soon. I was supposed to go over to the house that Jodi and Tab were drinking in but I ended up talking to my roommate the whole time we were at Oakfield. I also had to wait for my phone to charge because it was dead after the fashion show because I kept Snapchatting the whole thing. We got a taxi to the nightclub and went in and met the members that we know in the SVP Society who organised the entire event. We probably stayed there for like 20 minutes because the music that they were playing was all shit. So we left and walked towards Hennessy’s, a late bar, which felt like the longest walk ever. Jodi had started crying because the topic of suicide had come up, but it wasn’t by me. She just kept saying “This shouldn’t happen. There is supports out there. There’s not enough being done to tell people about them.”  We had walked a bit and I said that it easily could have been me who committed suicide. She grabbed my hand and said “No it couldn’t have. Don’t say that.” I mentioned how I had been thinking about it and while I said that she wouldn’t let go of my hand. Then she walked ahead a little and Tab came over the me and put his arm around me and was like “Come here to me now, you are loved and people do care about you and it’s not just Jodi.” Then he went on to list people who care about me and he was saying just more things like that. So then, naturally, I kind of started crying. We kept walking a bit, him still with his arm around me and then I just ran up to Jodi and hugged her. I was still crying and she was like “You are loved”. I said that she is loved too, because I always feel like everyone needs to know that they are and it shouldn’t be something that they ever doubt . It was a very long hug and then she started singing “1,2,3,4,5 once I caught a fish alive. 6,7,8,9,10 then I let it go again…” I just started laughing and somehow her singing that just made me feel much better and it just made me really happy.We then went into Hennessy’s and we got a drink that Tab is always on about called a Sour Daithi, which I’ve other from other people are meant to be lethal. Tab got ordered me one and after a few sips I had him get me a second one because I liked it so much and it didn’t have a negative effect on me or anything. We danced for a bit. Jodi told the DJ that it was my 21st birthday and if he could play Fifth Harmony. He said he already played so instead he played “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” which I really like anyways so luckily my fake birthday was not ruined. We left the nightclub to go get food. We ended up seeing some of our friends in the place we spent most of the time there throwing chips at each other. Jodi, Tab and I then got a taxi back to Oakfield and went up to my apartment. I went up to my room to get something and as I went to go back downstairs Jodi was sitting on one of the steps. The two of us then went up to my room, and Tab shortly followed. I never have anyone at my house that often so I wanted to show my room off. I managed to make Jodi laugh a lot so I felt great because of that. We then went back downstairs and had a cigarette before Tab and Jodi went back to where they were staying. They gave me a hug each and I told them “Thank you both for tonight!!” I smoked another cigarette, went up to my room, put on my unicorn onesie and went to bed.

I got up Friday morning feeling completely fine. I was a bit tired but I have been like that all week. I was still really happy from the night before that was until I actually got the percent for my sketchbook in Media Graphics sent to me. I got 22% in it, meaning that if I want to pass this module I need to get at least 66% in the next submission. However, I tried not to dwell on it too much. I liked the class that I had yesterday. It was Radio Production 1 and I love my lecturer for it. We were dividing into groups for our half hour radio show projects. We weren’t all in so when I joined one of the groups my lecturer saw that I was in a group with people who are more Tv/Film orientated and said “Ok good you have a radio person, someone who knows how to work the desk.” I got really excited I’m never the radio person. I am as capable of doing radio as any of the other radio people in my class and I shouldn’t be looked over constantly. I even gave ideas to the group in our discussion during class that they and my lecturer were impressed with.  Unfortunately, another radio person has been added to the group so I probably won’t get my time to shine as they will more than likely take over. Oh well, maybe next time eh?

Mental Illness Take 6: What’s New?

This week has been filled with more downs than ups. However, there is moments this week that have made me smile more than I have in ages and they just make me so happy to think about. If only they weren’t overshadowed by the negativity that has surrounded me this week. This has been a very stressful week to the point where I started to bottle my emotions again. I didn’t want to tell anyone what I was really thinking. Everyone has such a busy week, no one would have had time to listen me and my problems.  The main thing that has been lingering on my mind all week is that it has been a year since I got sexually harassed on the bus home one night from college. I didn’t really tell anyone I was thinking about it because at the time that it happened and for a good few months after it, I wouldn’t stop talking about it. I don’t think anyone really understands the extent to how much that affected me and I’m afraid that no one ever will. Since being at college, and especially over the past few months, I’ve had to try and make myself laugh at sexual jokes and innuendos. I was never comfortable with them and never really found them funny. Now I actually do find them funny, for the most part. There is jokes that I will make but it’s more because I know it will make someone else laugh because it’s really witty and quick. Also I like the look on Jodi’s face when I make certain jokes of an explicit nature because it’s really my motivation to keep saying things like that. Also it reminds me that I am actually intelligent. I’ve felt like an idiot my entire life but the friends I have at college make me feel as though I’m actually not stupid. They believe that I deserve to be at college. They have faith in me getting my assignments done and it’s always nice to  know that someone thinks you can succeed when you maybe having doubts about what you’re really capable of.

While I have now gotten used to these kinds of jokes, it doesn’t mean that the topic of sex and all things related to that is something I’m used to or like to talk about. I don’t mind of someone talks about it but in certain situations don’t expect me to want to listen. The way that some people talk about it make me want to physically get sick and I do need to walk away when theses things conversations get too much. I’m not sorry that I need to leave. At least I have the decency to leave instead of telling you to shut the fuck up because sometimes it gets so much that I nearly would do that. It’s worse depending on how I’m feeling that day too.  The last few weeks have been nothing but stress, anxiety and insecurities. Last week was the midterm and usually when I am away from my friends I get fairly depressed and there’s nothing I can really do about it, I just have to sit around and wait for it to pass. Luckily last week, while I had some dark days but not for the whole week. I just tried to focus on getting back to Tralee and getting to escape my parents. I was counting down the days until I got to go back and I left on one of the earliest buses I could. I was really happy to back with all my roommates on Sunday night, and I felt for the first time in over a week that I could breathe. I didn’t feel like at any moment the walls would start closing in on me, which seems to be the only way I can describe my week at home as feeling like. My mom wasn’t suffocating me and trying to get my attention all day everyday but it wasn’t any bit relaxing to be at home except for the fact that I could sleep for as long as I wanted to. While I was tired at the start of the week and needed to catch up on sleep I had missed, I think I slept extra to avoid having to interact with my family.  I know that sounds bad probably but ever since getting the independence of moving away from them, I find my parents to be very pushy with me doing things like last Thursday when I was forced to go clothes shopping. If I was a “normal” girl maybe I would be jumping for joy at the thought of going shopping and having my mother buy what I wanted so long as it was no more than €50, which in Penneys could get you a lot of clothes. I ended up getting a short Ramones top, which I probably won’t where for a long time, a green woolly jumper, and a Harry Potter pajamas. I hate shopping in Killarney. I don’t know why but I always feel really self conscious there as if everyone is looking at me like I have a giant arrow above my head that says “Mentally Unstable”. I get extremely anxious being in that Penneys. I also feel the same way about the TK Maxx in Killarney too. I have been to both shops in Tralee over the last month and I don’t have the same feeling towards them. I don’t feel anxious when I walk in. I think it’s very easy to hate where you’re from because it’s either “boring” or “nothing ever happens here”. I’ve hated where I live for a good portion of my life and if I ever say that to anyway I’m labelled as selfish because how could I hate a place as beautiful as Killarney.  Hate might be a strong word but I do have an immense dislike for the place. More so where I actually live. Home is where you should feel safe and secure. I can’t remember ever feeling like that in my home growing up. My estate was never a safe place. My house wasn’t even safe. Every day and night all the awful, menacing kids (Yes, I have always had a mentality of an 80 year old) would always congregate outside my house. Days on end filled with screaming, yelling, teasing, playing, would make me feel trapped inside my own house. I never wanted to go outside the front of my house when they were around because I was afraid they’d hurt me or start bullying me. They had threatened and teased me before so I always had a constant fear that one day when I was alone in the house that they would break in and would beat me and/or kill me. Bear in mind I have live in the same house since I was born and I started to get scared like this when I was about 5. It was also at that age that I started learning to ride a bike and so one day I was riding it in front of my house and a girl who lived in my estate, who was a little younger than I was, pointed and repeated over and over “BIG EARS! BIG EARS!DUMBO!DUMBO!” I had my hair tied in pigtails. To this day I always have to have my hair long enough to cover my ears and I refuse to cut it any shorter because I’m self conscious about my ears. It’s the main reason as to why I never got my ears pierced because earrings would have just drawn even more attention to them.There was always things being flung at our house, not always intentional but let’s be really it probably was always intentional I just refused to believe that these kids like to inflict panic in another kid who was afraid to do anything and would crawl on the ground when going passed windows in case they were outside and they saw me. It’s not like that anymore but I can’t help to feel nervous that it would happen again. I tend to call both my actual house in Killarney and my apartment in Tralee “home”. I think it’s just a force of habit but if one fit the definition of what a home truly is, I think that the apartment takes the cake.

This week probably started to go downhill when I pulled an all-nighter on Tuesday night and went to be at half 6 only to get up less than an hour later to go to college. I was trying to get work done while simultaneously watching the results of the US Presidential Election Results, which was stressful in itself. However, this night wasn’t bad the only bad thing was that I was getting no sleep and would thus affect me for the rest of the week. Jodi was also pulling an all-nighter so I saw her a couple of times throughout that night. She called me to come over and look at the work that she had done at around 3 am. I went over and after looking at the progress she had made, I stayed over there for over half an hour while she looked through the entirety of the TicketMaster website to see what she could find. We went from looking at Robbie Wiliams tickets, to Nathan Carter Tickets, and from Swan Lake tickets to Dracula on Ice tickets. We then proceeded to watch a video on YouTube called “30 songs you definitely known but don’t know the name of”. I was worried that from watching that we would get into a spiral of watching a load of those types of videos we watched about two. The whole time I was over there we were just laughing the entire time and I don’t know if it was because of the lack of sleep we were both experiencing or the fact that we are both just hilarious. I would like to think it’s the latter. We then went out for a cigarette in the freezing cold and then we hugged, said goodnight and she went to bed while I stayed up trying to keep working but struggling to keep focused. Later on that morning, when I woke up after my 40 minutes of sleep, I find out that Trump actually became president of the US. I still thought I was asleep and really hoped that this was some nightmare, but unfortunately was not part of some fictitious dream but a part of reality that will greatly affect the world for the next 4 years and possibly longer. I can only deal with a certain amount of political talk. I had the great fortune of a sitting around for a few hours with actual Trump supporters inside in the radio studio. I had to keep leaving to go smoke because I was getting so irritated and annoyed mostly because I didn’t get sleep and I really wanted Hilary to win and I’m sick of hearing people trying to justify Donald Trump by saying “You know he actually has some really good policies!” Just shut the fuck up I don’t give a shit. Feel free to think that by all means but don’t expect me to want care about your bullshit political stance.

Thursday is when everything became to much, which is really starting to become a trend.. Shit always seems to go down on Thursdays. I skipped my 11am class because I had to pick an idea for a film project and write a 500 word brief on it by 5pm. I had no clue what to write and it took me hours to pick something. I finally got my idea and I was like “Yeah it’s going to a soap opera version of this play”. I was writing away fine and then one of the lads walks in a sense “Well your film is going to have been amazing because that lecturer hates soap operas!” I slammed my laptop shut and said “What is the point of me even trying?” I was so angry I had the urge to punch the brick wall in the talk studio but I decided against it. Later on when it was only an hour away from when we were supposed to have our 4pm class, which was later cancelled, I still wasn’t done writing my film brief. Derek and I got called into the radio studio to film our segment for our Bang Fm informational video. I messed up my line the first time because I was trying to rush and get through it as quickly as possible. Derek was then like “Do you want me to just say it all?” I was told him yeah that he could just say it all. Then he was did the same way and paused after what would’ve been his line and as if I was supposed to say mine so I was like “I thought you said you were going to do it?” Then he started laughing and so did the other 3 guys in the room. So I stormed out the door and nearly started crying and I got to the R Block and realised I had nowhere to go because I couldn’t smoke because I left my cigarettes in the studio. So I went back and walked straight into the talk studio to where my laptop was and punched the brick wall 3 times with my right hand. I told the lads that I refuse to do to video and Derek can just record it himself. I went back to work. I wanted to get it finished because there was a cool driving simulator thing on campus that day and I wanted more than anything to go over there but I had no time to. Jodi was returning from being over at the driving simulator thing and was walking to the talk studio smiling at me and saw that I was not happy and walked in and immediately was like what is wrong? I explained it to her and she kind of said things that I didn’t really appreciate much until a few hours later. She was reassuring me that I would get my work done. When I asked her a question as to what more I could write her answer actually did help. Then even she though she had just been out for a cigarette she went back out for one when I asked if she would go with me for one. She even understood how much my near crying fit and storming off was brought on and worsened by the lads all laughing at me.  I eventually got my work done and my knuckles on the hand that I punched the wall with began to bruise. I got home earlier than normal on a Thursday since my class was cancelled and ended up going for a nap, which is something I hardly ever do but I really needed one. I got up for a while and went to bed at around 1am and as soon as I laid in bed with my phone off I started to have sleep paralysis again. I think I’ve had it a total of like 5-7 times in the 2 months, and it’s been my first time ever having sleep paralysis when it started September.

Today, as in Friday, was a lot better. I was afraid that the lads would be angry at me for not doing the video and refuse to talk to me but they didn’t seem to hold a grudge. It was the Open Day at the college so we had a busy day ahead of us. Unfortunately I had a shortage of cigarettes for the day and it made the day feel way longer than it actually was. I got some good photos but due to my lack of sleep and the slowness of my computer it can wait til the morning to work on them. I wouldn’t say I did a whole lot today but the atmosphere around the college was nice except I was a little panicked at the amount of people but I tried to ignore it and it worked. I gave a sigh of relief though when the crowds had all disappeared and the halls were fairly empty again. I walked over to Jodi in the hall before she left and she looked at me and said I looked happier today. I was kinda like “I don’t know, I guess so…” She then gave me a hug and it was a long hug, for once. Due to the fact that my brain and every part of my feels like it’s trying to do anything and everything and work at a mile a minute, I think that the hug slowed down all the thoughts and electrical impulses that were being sent from my brain. I couldn’t remember the last I really felt a hug. Most of the time recently I was never mentally present for a hug I would be distracted, but this time was different. I could hear her heartbeat which by right I should hear most of the time when I hug her but I guess I just never pay attention. Then she started singing something and then when after the hug I smiled and said to her “Well I’m definitely happy now!” Never underestimate how much a hug can mean to someone. Also the fact that she noticed my change in mood before I was even aware of it. I didn’t realise that I actually was in a better mood than I was the day before until she said it.

It Was The Best Of Times,It Was The Worst Of Times!

I’ve been a having one of the most stressful,tiring,amazing,awful,interesting weeks of my life. The week started off with me pulling two all-nighters in a row on Sunday night and Monday night until I finally went to sleep at half 6 Tuesday morning. I didn’t think I was going to wake up and you know what the thought didn’t scare me I didn’t care if I woke up I slept until 5 past 1 in the day, I didn’t have class until two and even though I made it in I didn’t go because I still hadn’t finished the work I stayed up those two nights doing. I got into the studio and I made it clear to one of the guys in there that I had work to do so I would like to be left alone. I had to say it in the nicest way I could because even though I was super stressed I was still able to remember that other people have feelings and if I yelled “Fuck off” at them they might have gotten upset so I couldn’t do it. Anyways he didn’t leave me alone. After I told him I had work to do he came in two more times. Upon his first re-entrance he made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt genuinely scared. He walked in, closed the blinds and said “Do you like sitting in the dark?” I just told him “I don’t really care.” What I wanted to say was “I don’t fucking know I’m trying to work here and I guess I don’t have a choice because you’re the one who went and closed them . I think you’re the one who likes sitting in the dark don’t drag me into this I don’t have time.” I sent Jodi a snap that was sarcastic but I just needed to tell someone immediately upon him leaving the room because I felt really weird after that interaction. After I sent the snap too he came back in and open the blinds and then left again and never came back in. Jodi responded anyways and she text me to give her a ring. So I did and talking to her made me feel a bit better, she was only on her way into college at that time. She said she was walking to the bus and I was like “You’re on the way into college? Yayyyy!” When she got to college she went into the room that I was in and talked to me for a bit while I did my work and it actually helped me get more work done and she knew that it would. Not only was I getting work done but I was feeling less stressed talking to her.

Before she got to college, when I first started doing work I punched one of the walls in the studio. It might seem to some people now that I’ve developed or have an anger problem. Well the truth is I’ve always had one but due to my mother’s constant restrain on my expression of anger, I’ve had to bottle up too much anger for far too long. It’s seems really aggressive to punch a wall, I know, but I find it similar to cutting. It’s just a method of self-harm to me. I would never think about hitting something I know I would break. I seem to have no problem hitting something that could break me. I would never hit someone unless they attack me first and I’m just using self defense. I’d rather feel 100% pain all the time both mentally and physically if it meant no one else had to feel even an ounce of pain ever.

Since I skipped my 2hr class that started at two to do work, I had some time off so I spent it in the studio with Jodi and a few others. I was supposed to have a 2hr class starting at 4 but I didn’t feel up to going. I missed a lot of classes this week and it probably makes it seem that I don’t care about my course. I fucking care I just wanted to avoid having an anxiety attack which I knew I’d get if I tried to sit through some of those classes. I have had a cold for the past two weeks. I never missed any classes because of it. If I did I’m no one would say anything. So if anyone dares say anything about me missing classes this week because I didn’t feel up to it mentally, you can go fuck yourself. At about quarter past 4 Jodi and two of the guys who also do our course, were going for a drive down to Manor West. I decided to go with them and when we were walking through the dirt carpark at the back of the college, I slipped and fell because it was really muddy. For once I didn’t immediately pull my knees to my chest and try to hide my head. I didn’t feel nearly as much embarrassment as I should have. It made me feel like I was starting to feel for the first time since I was a child comfortable to be able to not get embarrassed in front of someone I’m friends with and just laugh it off. I don’t know if I’ve ever laughed off something like though. This might have been a first. It made me feel good about myself. I was developing in some way. I thought it was a sign that I was starting to get slightly better. The whole day on Tuesday I was being extra funny, or at least trying to be funnier than usual. I made people laugh a lot throughout the day and that is my favourite thing to do so I was happy. I went home that evening and my housemates as well as a few of my other friends who live in Oakfield and I were having a few drinks in the house because we all had a stressful few days and we needed it. We were trying to watch a movie on Netflix but after a long time of trying to decide Anchorman 2 ended up being put on. I couldn’t stay up to watch much of it because I had to get up extra early the next morning to go to a protest in Dublin.

On Wednesday 19th October, I went on my first protest. I loved it. I loved it. I LOVED IT!!! I didn’t care how early I had to get up. I didn’t care that I got about 3 and a half hours of sleep, I was ready to go. I got a drive up to the bus luckily I really didn’t want to walk up in the dark. I got to to sit next to Stan on the bus which was great because we both were just making jokes the whole time  and we both knew that we were really interested in this protest and were both glad that people who weren’t interested or didn’t care, stayed at home because they would have killed our excitement. They would have complained constantly. They wouldn’t have taken it seriously. I liked the drive up to Dublin and then once we got to the city I was just looking around in awe at a city a know very little about. I had been to Dublin a total of two times before Wednesday, to go to the zoo when I was 8, and to go to the airport two year ago. Both times I went before, I hardly saw the city. We quickly met up with the crowd filled with students, parents, lecturers, from all over the country. We were all united fighting for something that we feel strongly about, our RIGHT to education. Before we even started the march I started getting teary-eyed at what was happening, what I was doing and that I was actually doing it. I get really panicky in massive crowds but for some reason being in the middle of that crowd just felt right. I was shouting all the chants along with everyone else and getting really inspired by how passionate so many people were about it. I wasn’t even tired after the walk, my legs felt fine and I could still breathe. When we got to the end of the march there was stage where a few people made speeches. There were all really good but the one I can’t get over is the one by Annie Hoey, the President of the USI. I think it was the best speech I’ve ever heard in my entire life and I clung onto every word of it. The more the speech went on the louder her voice got. She ended the speech with one of the main chants “What do we want? Education! When do we want it? Now!” We did that about three times and then she ends it with “THEN FUCKING FIGHT FOR IT!!!!” I cried at her speech. Once that was finished we walked up to where our bus would be turning up and went and got Starbucks. We ended up then having to wait like an extra hour for our bus to show up and another half an hour for it to go. For the most part, I didn’t mind waiting I thought it was kind of fun in a way. It was absolutely freezing but I didn’t care I was still just so incredibly happy with how the day went. We got to go to the Barack Obama Plaza in Moneygall and get food. It was all I ate that day. I went 14 hours with eating anything except a few pringles.

When I got home I was still so happy, even though I had to go try and study for my Databases exam which was the next day and I only got home at like 11 I think. The house was empty when I got home because my housemates had gone for a few drinks. They got back less than an hour after me so I went back downstairs and talked to them for a bit. I sat down and they asked me how it went and I said it was brilliant and it was the best thing ever. I was there for a while and I had this massive grin on my face and they were like “What’s got you so happy? What happened today that made you so happy? Did you get the shift or something?” I was just happy because of everything, and no I did not shift anyone still waiting for the day where that happens! I got up the next day and I was very tired. I made my way into college to hand up the journals I had spent doing during my all nighters. Then I tried to study more for my exam but didn’t have too much time since the exam was at 11. The exam went to shit about half way through and I couldn’t do it. When I finished the exam I walked out feeling really terrible and contemplated jumping over the balcony from the 2nd/3rd floor (whatever you’d call it) down to the ground floor. I didn’t do it though. I went into the studio and I kicked the soft wall, leaving a shoe dent in it. I also kicked an round orange small seat we have because I needed to get my anger out. I then went for a cigarette and smoked it in two minutes which is a new record.  I went back to the studio and sat down with my head down and one of the 4th years asked me why I was doing that and I said it was because my exam went shit. I went out for another cigarette shortly after and met Jodi in the smoking area. We walked back in together and went to the studio. Now she’s been feeling sick for all of this week and last week. During this week though whenever one of us would sit down next to her or we were just there she would ask some specific “Comfort me”. Can you guess who she never asked? She had been saying that since Monday and I think it only bothered me Thursday because I was already in a mentally unstable state. My thought process about it from that day was-Why didn’t she want me to comfort her? I mean I was sitting beside her in the union Tuesday evening and she asked someone else who sat on the other side of her after I did to comfort her. That still wasn’t what made me feel weird about it. I guess I have no idea how to comfort people or at least I must give off that vibe. I guess hugging me isn’t in any way comforting. Maybe I should stop hugging people? I mean it must make them uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter if it’s something that I really like and comforts me, I must put everyone else’s feelings before my own.

Then a few of us went into the studio and Jodi went on Facebook. Usually when she’s on it in the studio I glance through a few posts that come up in her news feed like a few weeks ago when a article for “Top 10 Harry Potter moments that will make you cry!” We both looked at each other and Jodi was like “Are we ready for this? I don’t think I am.” We started reading it but unfortunately a class came in. Anyways back to present day. On Thursday this wasn’t the case because all the seats near the desk were taken so I sat on the window sill that is near the desk but it the computer Facebook is on is impossible to see when sitting there. So I sat there thinking about everything that was going wrong with me and trying to figure out what was happening. Simultaneously I was trying to scratch lines across my arm using the sharpest finger nail I could find. It wasn’t very sharp so while it did create lines it didn’t cause any loss of blood. I looked up and saw Jodi laughing at something she saw on Facebook with one of the girls in my class. I felt like Jodi was sort of ignoring me while we were in there. We eventually went out for a cigarette again. I went out to the smoking area with Jodi and the girl from my class, then the new guy in my class was out shortly after and he is vital to this story so he is getting a name in these blogs already. I’m going to call him Derek, because that’s his go to fake name. So everyone knew I was in a bad mood for most of the day and while we were in the studio before we went outside Derek asked did I want a hug. I said no. Then when we went outside and Derek was out a little bit after us, I had my back turned to the direction he was coming from so when he walked out he went up behind me and gave me a hug. I said I didn’t want a hug but all I wanted/needed was a hug. He was then saying other things to help comfort me. Jodi then said that she was trying to give me space when we had been in the studio and tried not to make eye contact with me because she wanted to take a different approach and also she thought that she was upsetting me in some way and didn’t want to make it worse. I told her that by giving me space it made it so much more worse. I also asked why she thought she was upsetting me? Like how could she have upset me, she did absolutely nothing to me!! She gave me a hug and said “I’ll never give you space again”. I’m actually fine if she does that again I would just like to know that she’s doing that next time so I don’t feel like I did something wrong. She will have to give me space at some point because she might be the one who needs the space from the negativity that radiates off me when I’m having one of my bad days. I felt guilty on Thursday that I was making the people around me sad by feeling mentally messed up, confused, and fairly depressed. I felt like I should have tried to pretend to be happy just so I wouldn’t bring anyone else down.

After we went in from the smoking area, it was just me a Derek who went into the studio. Jodi and the girl in my class entered a little after that. Derek and I went into the actual room that has the desk in it as opposed to just the entrance part that Jodi stayed in before she had to leave. Already in the desk room was the guy who did the creepy curtain thing to me on Monday and Misty, one of my favourite 3rd years. I was sitting there starting to cry and they were all concerned. The curtain guy started saying stuff like “I really wish I had you as a sister instead of my two I have because they are just social media magnets”. He’s said this to me before and I wouldn’t have minded except the fact that I did absolutely nothing good. I was sitting there being a depressed, emotional, girl who was confused with everything. I replied saying “You’d rather have a depressed, anxious, confused girl instead of people who just spend all day on social media??” I didn’t understand what he was trying to get out of saying that. He then told me to just go home and cry in my room alone. First of all, the last thing I fucking needed was to be alone. Second of all, I get that can be helpful sometimes but don’t tell me what to fucking do I want to stay in college. Then he said something along the lines of “Don’t worry you’ll be grand, nothing’s wrong with you!!” Derek immediately rolled his wheely chair over to me a grabbed my hand and stroked his thumb over the top of it as a means of comfort. He then turned to curtain guy and said “You DO NOT say that to someone who’s having these kind of feelings. It makes it worse.” I started crying because of how concerned he was about me and how much he cared. Also how he was like “Do you want me to get you a bottle of coke, fanta, water etc?” I put my head in my hands and Misty came over to me a gave me a hug and said she hated seeing me upset. Then she pulled my hair back so my face could be seen. I cried again a few minutes later when Derek gave me the longest, tightest hug I’ve had in a long time. I started to feel a bit better when he put on the Grease soundtrack and starting singing to me. Grease is like the foundation  of our friendship really. It also would make anyone feel better. I wasn’t going to go class but since I started feeling better I decided to go. Also if I had stayed in the studio I would have been stuck with curtain guy.

Class was actually grand and I liked it. I went home straight after class and then hung out with my housemates and other friends in Oakfield at mine for the rest of the night. I saw Jodi later and she wasn’t there when Derek was cheering me up with Grease so she didn’t know that I was after cheering up. She said I looked like I was feeling a lot better and before she went back to where she was staying she gave me and hug. She came back again later to have a cigarette. I went to bed feeling a bit better but it was still like 2am before I went to bed so again I got very little sleep. I think the lack of sleep is really the main factor playing on all this mental shit.

 

I Have Officially Gone Mad!

A lot can happen in two weeks right? Guess I’m not that happy anymore. The reason I’m not is entirely my fault. No one has done anything to me to cause me to feel the way I do other than my messed up brain. I believe that I have now gone mad because I was being a bitch to someone I really care about for no reason. Let me paint the picture.

So we went out Thursday night to the Blasket bar to watch the Ireland vs. Georgia match. I had a pretty good time there I had a good few drinks, I got to spend a lot of time with everyone including said friend that I was a total bitch to. I even danced with her for ages and I was with her for some of the night. We then moved onto Hennesseys, a late bar, and it was here I could feel a shift in my thought process and my drunk mind was ready for stirring shit up for no reason. Don’t get me wrong though while we were in there I had a great time, I really like that bar, and their music wasn’t bad. Still gutted that we never danced to Cascada when they played ‘Everytime We Touch’. I was so tired by the time we got in there that I was sitting down one of the sofas and resting up against it. Even at one point I was just so tired that I laid my head on my friends shoulder because I couldn’t sit up anymore. So we left there when the friend I was bitchy to followed her friend and her friends’ roommate. The roommate was very drunk and they were making sure she got home okay. Of course my friend being her wonderful self had to ensure that they all got home safe so she said she would go with them. Leaving me to go back to my student accommodation on my own. Luckily I didn’t have to get a taxi alone because my other friend who was leaving shared one with me even though he was going back his house which is well away from where I was going to. Now it was when my friend decided to go with her other friends that the bitchiness suddenly started in me. I don’t really know what I was thinking but I remember feeling incredibly angry and hurt because I think I felt like I was being abandoned. I think I also felt like I wasn’t important, like it didn’t matter if I got home safe at all. Obviously this is ridiculous that I was thinking that way my friend is my friend not my babysitter. It was also obvious that I would get home safe because I was going getting a taxi with my other friend. We kind of hung around with her for a bit before we got our taxi though trying to convince her to go with us because all her stuff was in Oakfield. I let my friend I was getting the taxi with talk to her for a bit and I walked ahead and I started getting really frustrated. I ended up walking back to them and telling my friend “Come on we should just get our taxi and go. Jodi I will see you Monday or Tuesday or whenever, I don’t care when I see you.” Yes Jodi is the one that I was bitch to. She was really shocked she was like “Sandra?!” She was confused as to why I just said that because it was awful. It only got worse. I told my friend again who was still talking to Jodi “Come on let’s go, we don’t need her!” I was saying a bunch of shit that I always fear that my closest friend would say to me which is essentially to fuck off and they never want to see me again. Jodi stopped walking and started asking me what was wrong and why I was saying all this to her. I didn’t have an answer and everything I said to her was me trying to prove something to myself I think because I did really care when I saw her again and I do need her.

Then the worst thing happened. She started crying and any negative feelings I had towards her in that moment all disappeared and I was like “Please stop crying Jodi, I never wanted you to cry” and then she sat down on a nearby window ledge and still crying she was really upset and she really thought I hated her. She said something that I’ve on repeat in my head since then. She said “I feel like you’re giving up on me.” Is it possible for emotional heartbreak to give you and actual physical pain in your heart? Because I’ve felt a pain there all day since then. Why the fuck would I ever give up on her? I love her she has been nothing but the most amazing friend to me this past year. Underneath all the negativity I was feeling I was just denying the fact that I cared about her safety and worried about whether she would get home or not. I wanted to make sure she got home safe and that she got to a bed which she had waiting for her back in Oakfield. I know she needs to make sure those around her get home safe but does she ever consider it for herself? Her safety is just as important yet it would be the last thing she thinks about. I’m sure she was fine last night and she was able to stay in her friends house but I don’t how it went after I left because I didn’t talk to her today. Hey I got my wish from when I first started getting angry,I didn’t see her today. I told people I didn’t want to see her today. Except really she was the only person I wanted to see all day but at the same time I was afraid to see her. Anytime I was in the smoking area today I was worried she’d walk out and it made me really anxious. I don’t know why I didn’t want to see her. I went around acting as if she had done something to me and I had a reason to be angry at her but she didn’t do anything to me. Everything that happened was all my fault. I hurt her. I upset her. I made her fucking cry and feel the thing that I fear more than anything, not being friends with someone anymore. We did kind of sort it out and she said that if I needed her that she would stay with me and not go with her other friend. I told her she needed to go with them that I would be fine. I wasn’t fine and I knew I wouldn’t be but I knew she would feel a sense of guilt had she not gone with her other friend.

I will be a month free of cutting as of the 11th of October. On the taxi home Thursday night, all I could think about was getting home and cutting my arm as much as I could. I wanted to hash out all the emotions I was feeling and demolish my arm. I wanted to rip it to shreds. I never did it. I went up to my room and dropped my bag and cardigan on the bed and started to change into pajamas. I was like “Once I have this done I’ll go downstairs and try and get a knife.” I think I ultimately forgot about the knife because I was really drunk and I think I forgot about it because I was going to bed and then I heard my housemate come back home so I went downstairs to her and her friends. I thought about doing it the next morning but I knew that it wouldn’t help anything. The last time I made Jodi cry was almost a month ago, the day that I last cut myself. If I cut myself now I will just make everything worse. When I got to my room after having a cigarette with my housemate and her friends, I locked the door and started crying. I cried myself to sleep. I slept for a little over 5 hours straight. I woke up and my eyes started to water almost immediately and again I cried. I spent all day in college thinking about it and I was in class and I had to hold back tears. I didn’t cry while I was in college but I was very near to bawling my eyes out multiple times during the day.

I think I have gone mad because I hurt someone who I care about. I made her cry. I made her feel like shit for no reason. I, at one point, thought that I was a great at being a friend, now all I know is that I am the worst friend and everyone would be better off if they didn’t know me. The world would be a better place if I fucked off. If I was never born. My existence is not something that should ever be missed. I am messed up and I wouldn’t wish my company upon anyone else. So be happy I’m giving all of you who read this sad excuse of an explanation/apology, a ‘Get out of jail free’ card. The jail being your friendship with me. I understand if some of you leave. I don’t understand if any of you stay. “Jodi” if you’re reading this and you have gotten this far, I am so incredibly sorry and I know that’s not enough because what I did was a vile thing to do/say to anyone. I’m sorry for everything.

I Think I’m Happy.

I know this isn’t normal and I’m usually only happy in short moments that are spread out sporadically and always in the company of my favourite people. However, at the moment I really feel as though I’m consistently happy throughout the day. Last week I started to notice that I was happier but due to some things that happened at the end of last week,my happy streak was cut short and I had an anxiety filled weekend. This week has gone fairly well but due to what happened last week, things were a little different there for a few days but that all got sorted out last night. I think some of this current happiness is attributed to how happy and excited one of my friends has been all week. For the last little while things have been stressful for her and it was really nice to see her so excited.

The realization of this happiness happened last night though. I was out for a 21st and we were pre drinking which was luckily happening in my student accommodation. We were there for just less than 2 hours. We then went into town to the nightclub and thank god it wasn’t as packed as the two nights I went out last week. I actually enjoyed being at the nightclub last night. After that we got a lift to Mcdonalds and got food then returned back to Oakfield. Jodi and I stayed outside to have a cigarette or four, while everyone else went inside and started eating. I don’t know how this came about but we ended up spending the bones of like I’d say 45 minutes outside at the bottom of the steps smoking and singing, not really caring that our food was going cold. Except not only was the food cold it was also nearly all gone. It was about 4am when we were outside singing and Oakfield was dead quiet. I was fairly drunk at that point and Jodi was definitely drunk. I know for definite that she was drunk because that was the first time I’ve heard her properly sing and I think I spent half the time we were outside just watching her in awe or something like awe. There was some of the songs I didn’t know so it was just her singing a few of them and she just seemed so content. She also kept stating that she usually doesn’t really sing in front of people and that it was a pretty big deal that she was singing. When we eventually went back inside and noticed our food was mostly gone, we decided to go on an adventure. We got a taxi back to McDonalds and got more food then went back to my place to have it.

It was while we were in my place that the thought of happiness suddenly hit me. I was talking about a guy who used to bully me for years and since he was part of the friend group I had been with,I couldn’t hate him or else my friends would drop me as a friend. Talking about that actually made me really sad but then I stopped for a few minutes and thought about where I was last night, in that moment in my apartments kitchen. “I’m just after being on a night out, it’s like 4:30am, I’m sitting here having McDonalds with someone who I’d consider as being one of the best friends I’ve ever had.” 9 years ago started off all types of insecurities and the feeling of worthlessness I felt about myself. 5 years ago my friend group that I was part of for almost 8 years left me because I was too negative and there might have been other reasons as to why they left but I don’t know what they are. My paranoid brain made up thousands of reasons why they left and why  no one would ever want to be my friend in the future. I’ve been suicidal for the last 9 years and I found myself thinking last night in that moment just sitting there that “I’m really glad I’m still alive. I’m really glad I didn’t kill myself.” When we finished I walked over to where Jodi was staying and hugged her goodnight. As she closed the door the last thing she said was “Go to bed ya big eejit”. I went to bed and I don’t think anything could’ve have wiped the smile off my face. I just felt like I had a really great night and that life is going great at the moment.

 

Moving Away And My First Freshers Week!

I’ve been living away from home for about 4 days now and needless to say I’m ecstatic about it. I love having the option to leave college a little early and walk only 15 minutes to a place where I can just go to bed straight away. I love not having to worry about a bus. I love having the choice to be alone and not have my parents calling me to go downstairs every time I sit down to relax in the evenings.

In many ways I feel like my mood has brightened a bit, however in other ways I feel like something is missing. A void that needs to be filled. I know that this coming year I will probably try and spend less time in the radio studio if at all possible. I get this overwhelming anxiety when I’m in there too long and people are constantly talking and I feel trapped in this social bubble. Even if they’re not talking to me I feel as though I have some sort of obligation to stay there and I also worry that they’ll never stop talking. There is a few times during the day were that void is filled but it tends not to last long. In those short little moments I do feel incredibly happy inside for some reason. I think to myself “This is why I’m happy I got up this morning”. I usually laugh a bit more and smile a lot more. When it’s over though I just go back to having that empty feeling. I spend the time between those moments, thinking about the last moment and smiling to myself about them. If not much has happened or my memory is failing me a bit I tend to read back on certain blogs that I wrote when I was having the time of my life, which are pretty much all ones pertaining to nights out in college. Since I need a constant validation that my company is wanted by at least someone that I like spending time with, I read those to remind myself that somebody likes me. I don’t get a huge vibe that they hate me or anything but I’m just a very paranoid person.

On Monday and Tuesday night one of my new housemates, who is really cool, and I went across to mingle with some of our new neighbours. Everyone in my student accommodation that I’ve met so far are all really nice. Tuesday was a bit of a better night because we went to the house straight over from us. Every time my housemate and I would go outside to smoke they’re was usually two people across at that house and they’d wave in the window at us too during the day. Turns out they are going to be in my class now and I can’t wait because I actually get on with them fairly well. We were drinking and smoking during the night and there was a few from that house and a few people from the house we had been in on the Monday. They were at one point seeing if they remembered everyone’s name and when they got to me it took them a while to get it. So they decided that Sandy would be a much easier name to remember. So the new guy that’s going to be in my class said Sandy the way John Travolta says it towards the end of Grease. The two of us ended up singing “You’re The One That I Want” before I went to bed. I woke up Wednesday morning then and got sick. I need to sort this out because 90% of the nights I’ve been out over the past year I’ve gotten sick. The fact that I usually find it hard to take a deep breath also makes me feel more sick.

I was supposed to be quitting smoking there on Monday and that was going well until about half 12 and I started again. For the record, it wasn’t on my agenda to quit at all. I got a call from Jodi last week saying that we were quitting. She said if we quit together it might be easier. It seemed like she did really want to quit and like if me quitting too helped her to do that of course I would stop. We decided on Monday that we just needed to cut down and we didn’t need to quit cold turkey. However, I did end up smoking a total of 16 cigarettes and half a rollie on Tuesday. I don’t think I was really ready to quit but like it would’ve been the right thing to do if not for my health then for Jodi’s health. I’ve never liked the fact that she smokes just like she’s never liked that I started smoking. I get really worried when anything comes up in relation to any of my friends’ health. I never say anything though because I don’t want them to get worried, so it tends to be something I think about when I’m on my own. One of the main reasons I started smoking was to become more social and it actually helped a lot. At most of the events I was at during the year I talked to people the most when I was out at the smoking area. Also now with me living in Tralee with a housemate and neighbours that smoke it kinda helped me to talk to them a bit easier.

So now that I’m living away from home and I actually know people here now, I went out last night for my first every Freshers Week. I actually had a really good time despite blacking out and having a massive anxiety attack. I’m getting ahead of myself let me take it back to the start of the night. So Stan and I started pre drinking at my place at about 8 o clock and we were there for about and hour and a half before going across to one of the houses in Oakfield I’d been at earlier in the week. I drank a pint bottle of Orchard Thieves and a pint bottle of Sombrero. We were at that house for about 15 minutes before going over to the 4th years in our course. That is really when the night started. For like the first time ever I wore a top going out that showed my stomach and I wasn’t sure about it but I always thought they looked nice and I would get jealous seeing girls wearing them. I think when we went over to the 4th years I felt comfortable wearing it. This being because when I walked in Jodi noticed what I was wearing and I instinctively folded my arms over my stomach to block it and she said “Stop blocking it!!” We were there for a bit before getting a taxi over to Cois Ceim where there was more TV/Radios over there. I saw Dexter for the first time in months and I was really happy because I actually had started to miss him. While we were there though Jodi noticed the scars on my arm and I was really worried she was going to start crying and luckily she didn’t, her eyes watered a bit but no crying ensued during that moment. We were there for a long enough time before eventually getting a taxi into town to go to the nightclub which for all intensive purposes I will refer to as Quarters,for now, because I’m more used to calling it that.

We got in and I saw a few familiar faces inside i.e. some of the people from my year. This was first proper time spending an extended period of time inside Quarters, and it wasn’t the worst. It was packed and anxiety was fairly bad throughout and I covered my face with my arms a few times in an attempt  to block everything out. I blacked out while we were in the middle of the massive crowd of people on the dance floor. I assume I blacked out because I feel like that moment was as if I was in a video where the editor was really excited to use jump cuts. The moment I fell I immediately covered my face and hoped that if I pretend I’m not there none of my friends will have noticed and they’ll be gone when I open my eyes. My initial thoughts were “This is extremely embarrassing, I hope no one’s looking.Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why did you go out to the nightclub you fucking imbecile?!” I could feel someone helping me up and I was thinking “Shit, they noticed!” When I opened my eyes again and moved my arms away I could see Jodi in front of me and concluded that she was the one helping me up and if it wasn’t so packed I would have fucking ran out of there and probably cried my eyes out.Then I just felt really fucking scared about what had just happened and was in the midst of my major anxiety attack and just hugged Jodi and I was really surprised I wasn’t crying. My new neighbour and all around lovely human, who does Creative Writing, walked with me out of the crowd and to a less busy part of Quarters. She kind of calmed me down a bit and I started to feel somewhat normal again. We left shortly after that because Quarters was closing and we started slowly but surely making our way to find food. I spent €8 on a pizza and I only ate half of it. It was while we were waiting for some of our friends to get their food that Jodi started getting all emotional and was really upset about my scars and that I felt sad. She was saying that she never wants anyone to feel sad ever and the fact that I did made her really upset. Right before we left she started crying and I just felt like shit. She hates the thought of somebody being sad. I hate seeing someone I care about cry,especially when it’s my fault. We had to go then and she was wiping tears away and I just couldn’t help but feel like this all could have been avoided if I actually hid my scars like I thought about doing, or you know not actually cut my arm in the first place.

While we were walking to the place to get food, Jodi was holding my hand the whole time mostly in an attempt to steady herself I think. She didn’t admit that she was drunk until we got home but like I could tell for ages that she was gone like. As we were walking she was saying things like I was her guardian angel and that she loved me, only something commonly uttered by someone who’s inebriated. I’m not a complete pessimist so everything she said to me, no matter how much I knew that they were things she was saying because she was drunk and that she might not remember saying. I remember though and that’s enough to keep me happy for however long this happiness will last. I didn’t cut myself this morning so that’s a sign that I am really happy. We went up to Cois Ceim again after Quarters but we didn’t stay there very long. We walked backed to Oakfield from there then. As soon as we get out the door Jodi gets right back into the conversation from the takeaway and was like “Did you see that I cried earlier?” She said something that is all I think I’ve ever wanted to hear  from someone and I’ve never realised how much I needed to hear it until she said it and I think that could be what extends this happy feeling longer than usual. She said “Don’t ever feel like nobody loves you. There is always someone who loves you and that someone is me.” Due to my social anxiety, I feel at my worst when I feel like I’m an annoyance or people I like don’t like me. So what she said meant more to me than she probably knows.

People and Sport:How I’ve Grown Up In Its Toxicity.

I have always been someone who loves sports with a great passion, especially for someone who never really joined many sports clubs. I enjoyed doing a variety of different things in P.E. but I always excelled and rather enjoyed the likes of football and soccer. I preferred soccer but never gave it a go until college and I’ve realised I’m no good at it. The very first team sport I ever joined was my local Gaelic Football team. Back then I did really like the sport and I was an avid fan of the Kerry team. I played football for about a couple of months, when I was about 8 years old, until figuring out that team sports are in no way fun, at least as a child where everyone yells at you for every little thing you do wrong. I supported Kerry as a football team from when I was really young up until the age of 10 or 11. Then I started supporting Cork because I had family from their and I thought somebody else deserved to win other than Kerry. Frankly I thought they had won enough All-Ireland’s and that somebody else should get a chance at victory. Just as I had started to support Cork they actually won an All-Ireland a year or two after. Also so that Kerry had less games to play, so my dad wouldn’t be watching them.

I started getting busy so I never really kept up with the goings on of the world of the G.A.A. Except for all the times my dad would talk about it. I’ve grown up dreading any games, especially any sort of finals, where Kerry are playing because my dad always drinks more than usual when those are on. He comes home after watching a game in town drunker than usual and always angrily repeating threats about what he would do to the games referee. Even if Kerry wins he’ll say that we should have won by more but that referee fucked things up. For years I’ve just agreed along with him as he spews his drunken, angry opinions until he finally goes upstairs to bed. Tonight, however, after he came home from watching Kerry get beaten by Dublin by just 2 points he said something that made me have to hold back all my emotions for like 20 minutes until he went to bed.  I did walk out of the room because luckily my dog had just gone out into the hallway and I just sat with my dog for a few minutes and hugged him to make me feel better. For the last 5 years since I’ve had my dog he’s always helped me through these times when my Dad was drunk and angry.

So today’s referee was a man called David Gough and according to his Wikipedia page he is the sport’s first openly gay top-level match official. I only found this out because I wanted to check this in relation to my Dad’s comment about him tonight. My dad said “If I was at that game today, I would have run onto the pitch and killed him. He’s gay too so that would make it even easier for me to kill him.” This comment is coming from a man who voted yes in the Marriage Equality Referendum last year because he was undecided and I asked him could he vote yes for me since I wasn’t old enough to vote at the time. Anytime I brought up my friends who were gay, he never had any problems with them. He never had anything against him. On a day that I was out drinking with him I mentioned that one of my guy friends, who my parents have always really liked and I had been friends with since I was little, recently started dating a guy and identifies as bi. He totally accepted that and he doesn’t think of my friend any differently. So I think the worst of my Dad always comes out and is caused by watching Kerry matches and the referees of these matches. I know that in the morning that he won’t remember what he said because he never does remember anything that he says or was said to him in those moments.

While this is something that I see prominently in my dad, it is also very widespread amongst other football supporters. An example from today being that when the game ended, David Gough got objects thrown at him from the crowd. Like I understand how strongly these fans feel about the game and how outraged they might feel by some of the calls, but what kind of person feels the need to throw something at another human being. Could you please tell me where I can find the baboons who raised you with this inane sense of morality where you think that doing this is right and will help in anyway? Like what is your thought process “Kerry lost, but if I throw this at the referee maybe they will somehow win even though the game is over!! Amn’t I just sooooo smart? Of course I am.Now, throw all of the objects!!!!!”