19 And I’m Still Alive!

If you asked me when I was six years old if I would have made it to the age of 19 I would have said “Of course I will sure I’ll die when I’m about 50 because that is old.” However if you would have asked me the same question when I was about 12 I would have said “No, I don’t think I will even make it to 13.” I am more than shocked that I have made it this far. I never thought I’d realistically make it past 14 let alone all the way to 19. However, I have to say that 18, like what I said about 2016, is the best worst year I’ve ever had.

Since I was about 8 or 9 I have wanted to either end my own life or wish someone would end it for me because I hated myself and my life so much. Things started to look up when I was in 6th year and I made a friend who I genuinely loved to be around and I felt like in that year of school I was really accepted.

Since being at college, I have enhanced that outlook of being accepted even more and I have begun to feel incredibly loved. It is something I doubt every single day of my existent but in the last week I really feel like that was proved. My roommates started a group chat to discuss plans for my birthday night out. My birthday has never been celebrated outside of eating cake with my family and sitting at home like any normal day since I was about 11 or 12. Since then I had hated my birthday. No one ever cared about it. Most people would forget it. Me being born wasn’t important to anyone. I might as well not have been born for the nothingness it was worth. The fact that my housemates wanted me to have and actually were organizing a proper party and celebration for me, brought me to tears. I’ve never had so many people care about me and care so much that they would even focus on making a night especially for me.

Over the weekend while I was at home with my family, my birthday was pushed to the wayside and all focus was put on my brother and his engagement to his girlfriend. Sure in some alternative universe this would be exciting but not in this one at this point in time. I couldn’t wait to get back to Tralee all weekend because I wanted to be with people that would actually want to think about my completion of another year on this earth rather than my brother getting engaged and the plans for the wedding at the tender age of 21. All weekend was focused on him and my mom was just worried about wedding plans.

It wasn’t until I got a phone call at around 10 to 11 Sunday morning, the day of my birthday, that I remembered that it was me I should be thinking about not that wedding. Jodi rang me and being the total loser that she is, sang me the entire happy birthday song over the phone. Not just one line, the whole thing. Needless to say that when I got off the phone all I could do was smile and be content in my existence. I honestly didn’t care what happened for the rest of the day. I didn’t care if I got any more birthday wishes, which at the time I had very few, I was just so happy that I could have gone the rest of the day without anything else.

Yesterday evening I saw Jodi again because one of our other friends also had their birthday the same day as me. So Jodi was here to go to that party but also said she’d call up to my house while she was there. I saw her walking up the stairs to my place with a small little gift bag and I was said “Surely that’s not for me?” Jodi replied saying “No of course not it’s for someone else.” While I knew her tone was of a joking matter, I genuinely believed it wasn’t for me. So when she got to the top of the stairs I asked her again “Is that for me?” She was like “Of course it’s for you, who else would it be for”. I dropped the half gone rollie I was smoking and hugged her. I’m not used to someone buying me presents and I get really emotional at the thought of someone thinking about me and going out and buying me something. It’s not like these things were overly expensive but the price isn’t the important thing about this, it’s the sentiment. I got Harry Potter slippers and a phone case and photo frame that told me to go after my dreams. The presents themselves mean so much to me just because of the thought that was put into them and how much I needed things like this. I mean it’s a type of encouragement I can see every single day telling me to follow my dreams that I wouldn’t have had before. I don’t think I would have had as great of a birthday as I did if it weren’t for Jodi. As much as I hate to say that one person and one person only is sole cause of happiness in my life, I think she truly is. At least for the most part but I think that on ones birthday it’s not a bad thing. It should be a day where people are thriving to make sure you actually have a “Happy Birthday” not just saying it. I have never felt more loved than the moment she handed me the bag of presents. I also really like everything she gave me which surprises me because I am inherently picky. Currently it’s enough motivation to bring me to 20 because this was the best birthday I’ve ever had because of all the love and caring that people had for me, it can only go up from here, right?

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Week One Is Over And Done With!!

This is probably one of the best starts academically to a semester I’ve had. I’ve found the modules I have this semester to be more interesting than any set of modules I’ve had so far. Socially, I just think it’s been only ok up until Thursday night when I went on a night out with some people from my class, my housemates, and some 4th years of my course. I didn’t see much of the 4th years this week and with the 3rd years gone on work placement I felt kind of lonely. Luckily I did have my class to rely on for company but I did miss everyone else around the place. Since the 4th years have their own room they tend to stay in there most of the time and don’t really go into the studio all that much anymore. So it’s really just my class and that are in there for the most part these days.

I made it to every class this week so I’m proud that I started the semester off on a good note. I really hope that this is the semester I can really redeem myself. I want to bring up my GPA and it has drastically dropped since I got my results today. I failed one of my modules. As much as I expected it, I still cried when I saw the result as I sat alone in the radio studio earlier today. Thank god a little later on I saw one of my roommates and she gave me a hug and told me not to worry too much about it and that made me feel a lot better. It’s funny for anyone to look at my Snapchat story at the moment and see my snaps go from “I’m ridiculously happy” to me going “Fuck you Media Graphics!” I failed Media Graphics, a module I was once excited to do. Well lucky me I’m not rid of that subject now until August! Once I started doing the module I grew to hate it almost immediately. I failed my first submission only getting 22% on my sketchbook work which wasn’t “even worth 10% of my overall grade.” A surprising comment despite that CA giving me 11% in my overall grade. I was also told that nothing in my sketchbook had any relevance to any of my ideas. Right so you think that a simplified version that I found online of my main idea is not relevant. While I don’t think I can give enough reason for the CA grade to go up I do think her reasons she gave me were less than valid. When it came to my other/final submission for it, I was really proud of what I did. I had to design a poster and I chose to do mine for an event. I chose to do it for next year’s Pink Training since I had been to the 2016 around the time I was deciding a new idea.  I feel a reason I could have been docked marks for this is because it might have needed to be an original event idea. Not that I think that would be the main focus of this assignment. Either way I got 38% for my poster and my new additions to my sketchbook.  I also stopped going to class after I got the the sketchbook CA result because the lecturer just made me feel like a complete piece of shit. I dreaded going into the class, and I usually walked out of the class feeling upset in some way. Not that she ever said anything to me in most classes but when she did it was always ripping my work to shit. I didn’t really like the module which isn’t any excuse for doing so badly in it. It is somewhat relevant to career prospects from my course but at the same time it’s not one of the main outcomes of it. It also isn’t as irrelevant to our course as the likes of Databases. I just hate that I have to repeat such a vile subject that I don’t feel like I learned all that much from. I tried to get the most out of it as I could but realistically everything we were thought I probably could have picked up myself using online tutorials. I know I didn’t go to classes once I got that CA result but all that happened in those classes I skipped was working on the project and having her making her own changes to a project that is supposed to be yours. Fair enough if she was the client I was making the poster for but she’s not. I’m actually tempted to send my poster off to the Union of Students of Ireland so they can tell me what they think of it. Obviously I made up all the info on it because I don’t know where or who will be involved with it for the next one. I won’t do that though because the USI are incredibly busy especially this weekend with their Women in Leadership conference which I would have really liked to have gone to but I know if I want to do well this semester I should try and refrain from going to things like that as much as I might want to go.

I was going to write about my night out but I think I’ll leave this one out for once because for the most part it was perfect and I don’t feel like writing about. It feels like it was some sort of wonderful dream. It was a shorter night than usual but I just felt so happy the entire time.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my birthday. It is one week from Sunday and I don’t know why I keep thinking about it. I’m only turning 19 so it’s not that special of a birthday but I always worry about the fact that no one will care. I’ve never had someone who was ever excited about my birthday yet I’ve seen people I know get so excited about the birthday of one of their friends that they’ll go to a massive amount of effort in doing something for that friend or creating a collage (which I ultimately dislike, but if you go to the effort of making one I will still appreciate it), or writing some thoughtful, sincere birthday message on their Facebook wall (my preferred present). For the most part, people your friends with won’t spend all day complimenting you, telling you all the reasons they like you, or tell you how much they appreciate you and are thankful that you were born. I don’t do that and I don’t know anyone of does. First of all, I’m sure someone would find it creepy in a way if all someone did was say all these things to them because it sounds a bit obsessive. Every no and again it’s fine but more than that is crossing some sort of line. Secondly, if someone was telling you these things all the time they were lose their sincerity and you would begin to think the person is lying or just saying it because they think it’s a nice thing to say whether it’s actually true or not. I find that these things are said to me on nights on usually when my friends are a few drinks in. Like I do know there’s sincerity and a truth behind what they’re saying and for a while what they said will make me feel loved and happy but then I start to question that they only said it because they were a bit drunk. I have been complimented and told nice things by them when their sober too but not nearly as often or as meaningful. Usually when their drunk they say the things that I really wanted to hear them say. When their sober it tends to be something smaller and nothing particularly special. I do think that on my birthday it would be nice if I got told actual, tangible, true feelings or reasons they have towards me as a person and our friendship. I want to cry from happiness from my birthday messages not just read it, smile and never look at it again. I want it to be something I can read a million times over. Hence why I made a birthday book for Jodi’s 21st because it essentially was what I would like. I do think it is somewhat of a luxury gift, particularly in my eyes as what my friends would genuinely think about me really concerns me yet it’s something I crave more than anything. I don’t expected to get one or expect to get anything similar but a girl can dream can’t she?

Why So Serious?

I’ve been told for years that I am serious. This was always meant in a bad way. I was always “too” serious and unable to take a joke. First of all boy (because it was typically boys who told me this) please explain to me how your  way of making me feel like complete shit is in any way a joke. I like to think of myself as someone well versed in comedy and what is and is not a joke. Those boys never made good jokes,  and very rarely they actually made something that could constitute as a joke. I went home crying in floods of tears while they went home laughing each day because once they had berated me for not “getting” the “joke” they would laugh their ass’ off all the way home. I was only in primary school and I was forced to go through this and my friends at the time were no help whatsoever. They even laughed along with those guys most of the time. They too would tell me either to lighten up a bit or laugh it off. They wouldn’t listen when I told them how the guys’ comments hurt me. They told me I was over-exaggerating and that those comments weren’t that mean so it’s impossible for you to actually be upset by them. Aren’t friends really something? This being the beginning of when I started to believe that no emotion or opinion of mine had any validity. 

It’s also why it took me so long to tell friends I made in the future anything that was wrong with me. I was scared of any friends I made. To me I felt like they could be the bullies if I gave them the opportunity but by bottling up all my emotions I never did. I realise now since sharing all my emotions with them, that they aren’t bullies they understand and accept my feelings and want to make me feel better. Although I still get worried that a friend could snap into that bully mode, intentional or not. Most jokes amongst friends are pretty much insults said in a way to make it funny i.e “It’s funny ’cause it’s true.” So either way if they do I might not notice straight away. 

I go into my serious mode when I am forced to. For the most part I am not serious at all I will laugh at the stupidest jokes and innuendos. When I’m alone I’m actually the goofy person I wish I could show myself as to others. I’m forced to get serious when I’m upset or offended. It’s a way to hide the fact that I’m probably on the verge of tears. I have always put up this front since I was about 6 so that no one would ask me the awkward question of what is wrong and for me to explain and for them to either not understand or just brush it off. If this serious thing is forced upon me by an unplanned occasion of someone causing me increased anxiety or upset, I can turn into one of the coldest,bitchiest people ever. I give very quick one word answers, or sometimes I won’t talk at all (Good luck trying to decifer when my quiet spells are related to this state). 

I tried to hold onto my naivety for as long as possible and I did but I felt like this seriousness aged me more than any scandalous or inappropriate thing could have. While I was naive, I was pretending for my sake. I actually knew a lot. No one needed to know how much I actually knew. When I was serious I always felt like a parent or a teacher. I very rarely used to get told that it wasn’t that I was overly serious, I was just mature. Well whatever you wanted to call it I felt like I was babysitting people for free for 12 years. I was usually the youngest or nearly the youngest in my class groups. I had to look past things that I didn’t agree with because I hated confrontation. I had to always try and be the bigger person (I’ve had weight issues since the age of 8 or 9 and was an early bloomer so it was very easy for me to be physically the bigger person). Anytime I lost my temper… wait I should change that.  Anytime I LOSE my temper I get laughed at. I still feel like I’m not allowed to get angry over things. Even as a child any temper tantrums I had were cut short by my mother. Even later on in life I was never allowed to express the emotion of anger in front of her without being given out to. Anger is one of the worst feelings to keep bottled up. Kids are supposed to throw tantrums and you denying them of that stunts their emotional growth so much. I had to hit myself when I was angry. It left no damage to anything and it wouldn’t make a loud thud when I would slap myself across the face, punch myself in the stomach or beat drum sticks off my thighs and shins. Luckily I don’t do that any more I just punch walls now the odd time. As in I’ve done it like 3 times and the worst time was when I was drunk and so uncontrollably angry. I’m trying not to make a habit of it. 

Being the “mature one” at such a young age helped me a lot intellectually I think but not so much fun wise. All my friends would be climbing trees and I would be too afraid to. So while they climbed I would walk around beneath the branches they were on saying “If you fall don’t say I didn’t warn you. Don’t come crying to me when your leg is broken”. Essentially I felt like the mom of the group although it was usually only when it came to safety not when it came to emotions. I would just sit there and listen intently if my friends ever had a problem I would rarely ever ask them what was wrong and if there was something I could do to help. I had no one who was like that for me and we didn’t really learn stuff like that in school so I didn’t understand how to deal with stuff like that. I still haven’t really learned. 

2016: Despite Everything, I Ain’t Down Yet!

I know we are all on the same page that 2016 was a bitch of a year, especially in respect to celebrity deaths. We lost so many famous faces and for the first time in 3 years some of these deaths hit me very hard. They weren’t just celebrities, they were creative influences, icons, and really phenomenal people. Alan Rickman passed away early on in the year and I felt really morose because he was a big part of my life. The first Harry Potter film was released when I was 3 and I think I saw it for the first time shortly after when it was released on VHS because I was too young to go see it in the cinema. His character when I was younger scared me quite a bit but that was only because he reminded me of my teachers which I was frightened of. By the time the 3rd movie came out and I found his character to be more like a protective figure than just a strict professor, I started to like his character and him a lot more. I used to watch behind the scenes videos and always see him laughing with the other actors on set. I don’t have many examples other than the Harry Potter films to base this off of but I really admired him as an actor. The death that effected me the most this year was that of Christina Grimmie in June. I had watched her videos for years and although at the time of her death I only rarely ever watched her videos, I would always go back and check in every now and again and smile when I saw her name in articles about her touring. I really hoped when I saw that she had died that it was a hoax. I was really hoping it was a death hoax. When I found out that it wasn’t I felt choked up and I was speechless. It took me hours to get my thoughts together on it. I cried for a long time, the only other time I had cried at a celebrity death at that point was Cory Monteith’s in 2013. I went back to her YouTube channel and listened to all the songs that I loved hearing her sing. Of course that only extended my crying fest. I really looked up to her, I even tried learning how to play piano because of her. Granted my skills are basic on the Yamaha keyboard I got one Christmas that I failed to attempt until I watched her videos years after receiving it.  Recently the deaths of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds have upset me quite a bit. More so Debbie Reynolds. I have developed a love for Carrie Fisher since watching a few of video of her like her special ‘Wishful Drinking’, her interviews, and reading some of her quotes on mental health. I never watched Star Wars or anything she was in so I had less of a connection to her. However, I really respect her as a person and how strong she was. It makes me want to try and keep fighting through and battling my mental illnesses as best I can. Debbie Reynolds has always reminded me of my grandmother, and my grandmother is my absolute favourite family member. I first saw Debbie in the film Halloweentown which was released the year I was born, so it’s always been on TV when I was growing up. I loved her portrayal of Aggie Cromwell. As in she was the only character I really cared about for the most part. I would only really pay attention when she was on screen. I have since see some clips from some of her films in her early career like ‘Singing in the Rain’,’Tammy and the Bachelor’ and ‘The Unsinkable Molly Brown’. In ‘Molly Brown’ she sings a song called ‘I Ain’t Down Yet’ hence where the title of this blog comes from. Seeing all these gave me more respect and appreciation for her. When I found out she died I got really upset and I cried for a bit. Then because I was feeling overwhelmed I went outside for a cigarette and I broke down again while I was outside and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

That’s as much as I’m going to get into talking about what happened in the world because I think enough people have given out about Trump and all the other shit that this year had to offer. I’m going to reflect back on how this year was for me. I think the best way for me to describe it is that it’s been the best bad year I’ve ever had, because no year for me is ever good. This year brought many amazing people and opportunities into my life but it was also a very difficult year for me. First off I’m going to reflect on the New Years Resolutions I made last year. The first one was to lose weight and I think I actually did that. I did starve myself a bit but I had been doing for that in 2015 too but I guess it worked out better this time. I’ve since stopped that and worked on just have smaller meals spaced out instead of skipping two meals a day. My next one was to be a good P.R.O for the Radio Society and I think I did that. I mean we made it to BICS and one of the awards we were going for was heavily reliant on my work. Although we didn’t win the experience at the BICS Awards was amazing and I would love nothing more than to go back again in 2017, so here’s hoping!! My next resolution was to talk more on radio and I definitely did that. In February, my friend Jodi had me on her radio show to talk about my role as P.R.O. and I think that is still the best show I have ever recorded on radio and I’ve done a good few at this point. I was very sarcastic but I wasn’t being too harsh and I just had a good time doing that show. I think it really highlighted how much I had come out of my shell since starting college a few months prior.  I had only really just become good friends with Jodi around that time too so it made the whole atmosphere a lot more enjoyable because we got on very well and I could talk to her easily enough, which is my main problem when talking on radio I’m not a good conversationalist normally. The last of the main resolutions was for me to be a better friend and now this had two parts to it. The first part being more for myself to talk to my friends more and not be afraid to call them or message them if I had a problem that I needed to talk to someone about or else just to talk to them because I wanted to. I’m always afraid that I will be bothering them so I just never do. This is something I haven’t improved upon this year at all. I will still sit in my room and feel really alone even though it could easily be fixed if I talked to someone. The other part of that resolution was for me to actively be a better friend. Make sure I complimented my friends more, let them know how important they are to me, help them with anything and stress the point to them that they could talk to me about anything. That part of the resolution I really think I did a lot better on. Like I say in almost every blog I write, nothing makes me happier than seeing someone I care about smile or laugh. Selfishly I always want to be the reason for that, but even if I’m not who cares because they are happy and that is more important than anything. One of my resolutions that I was trying to continue from 2015 was to be funnier and while I do think I try a bit hard sometimes, I think the jokes I make are coming to me a lot more naturally and I know my friends in college well enough at this point to make jokes that really cater to them. I felt a lot more accepted than I did last year. For first semester of college I felt a bit out of place for a while but I felt like I really found my place in second semester.

I think I would attribute that to being on the radio society committee. I felt like I had a voice. I felt kind of in charge. I know I wasn’t chairperson or anything but I did strike a bit of fear into our chairperson. He saw me when I was extremely stressed and angry when it came to filling out forms for BICS. It’s nice to know that Dexter is still a a bit scared of me even though we don’t work on the committee together anymore. He helped me the most this year through everything. Through the stress of those forms and through my anxiety attacks. He always asked me if I was ok. He always wanted to make sure I was happy. He also never wanted to let me down, which I don’t think he could possibly ever do. This semester though he’s really been there for me when I needed him which is both great and awful. Great, because I really needed him. Awful, because he’s going to be gone the next 8 months. I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. He was much too good to me, at times when I didn’t even deserve it. I could have yelled at him about something and instead of getting angry back he wouldn’t say anything for a while and when I calmed down he’d asked me what was really wrong. I usually just said stress with assignments. Since I have dedicated an entire blog to him recently I will end my praises with one final thing. Dexter, I cherish our friendship so much and I can’t wait for you to kick ass as station manager of Wired FM.

I also became better friends with Stan this year. I really appreciate his humour and I think we just get on really well. We’re the two in our class who don’t do our work until last minute. We skip a lot of the same classes and we can be bad influences with each other and convince the other to also skip the class. I actually learn a lot from him, whether it’s pop culture, sports, social or political issues, there’s always something. He’s the person I tell everything to even when he’s tired of hearing me go on about the same things time and time again. He gives me shit for it sometimes but I know it comes from a place of caring.

I want to take a minute to thank my roommates, or housemates whatever you want to call them. I’m very grateful for you putting up with me, your support and thank you with dealing with me when I’m acting crazy. You girls make me laugh so much and ye made the transition of moving out of home so much easier. I promise that this year I will help clean more, I know I wasn’t helping out a lot. Thank you for being good friends to me and I’m looking forward for these last few months until we all move out in May. I dread that day so much, so for now let’s just live in the moment and have a good time in Apartment 8 aka the best apartment in Oakfield!!

Someone who I feel like I’ve spent most of my time with this year is Jodi. Seeing as I had maybe a total of like 4 conversations with her this time last year, it sort of surprised me a little. To be fair, I think the best friendships always happen unexpectedly. I expect that all that time spent with me she is probably glad to have a break from me at the moment.  I know you’ll be super busy this semester so feel free to tell me fuck off at any point.  Also remember that if you want to talk to me about anything I’m always there and don’t you dare apologize again for crying in front of me, if something is upsetting you let me be there to listen and/or turn those tears in laughter asap.Since you make me laugh so much, because I think you’re hilarious, I think I should try and return the favour! As part of one of my New Years Resolutions I want to let go of my fear of embarrassing myself so if me doing something that would embarrass myself in some way would make you laugh I’ll do it. I’m embarrassed by a lot of things, so girl you have a lot to choose from. (I can also be hired for small parties and corporate functions.) Also I’m sorry for when I was being a massive bitch and upsetting you during the year, well it really during the past few months. I will spend this year making it up to you and making sure I don’t do anything like that again.

While this year has had many highlights like the BICS Awards, Sports and Socs Ball, College Ball, Pink Training, March for Education etc., there has been some bumps in the road. My mental health went to absolute shit this year and I mean to the point where I was like “Who is this crazy bitch?” I’ve had I think about 4 fully fledged anxiety attacks this year and they’ve all happened in college. I’ve probably had a lot of little ones which I either had when I was alone or else I kept it to myself so no one knew anything was wrong. I started cutting myself in about May or June and continued to do so up until September on my first night out of Freshers Week where my friend started crying so much because of what I had done to myself.  She was also fairly drunk and is prone to crying a lot anyways but I would still like to lessen that happening as much as I possibly can. I knew if I stopped that it would make sure that an incident like that wouldn’t happen again. So I did stop and I haven’t cut myself since. I like to compare that moment of us in the chipper where she cried at my scars to the scene in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets where Fawkes’ tears heal the massive gash on Harry’s arm caused by the Basilisk. Not that my scars healed immediately but had I not stopped cutting at that time I probably never would have stopped. So luckily now I don’t have any permanent scars from that time, well at least not any that are easy to see. I like to think they are all gone but I can still see the faint lines on my skin, they turned into white scars which I already have enough of on my body with the stretch marks I have everywhere. I have been fairly suicidal this year not that it’s something I have talked much about. It’s not really a great topic of conversation. I’ve been doing good though like the last few weeks. Probably because I finally started using anti-depressants. I’m still trying to figure out whether they are actually helping or whether it’s like the placebo effect where I think they should help me so I feel like they are but really it’s all in head. Well technically it all is anyway, my head is where all the problems lie.

I know I haven’t really talked that much about the good things that happened during the year but most of them have been put into a blog that you can just go and read. If they’re not in a blog then they are just memories that I’m keeping to myself, in other words they are videos I recorded on snapchat of my friends that just make me happy that I have them in my life. They are just a constant source of joy and entertainment. So I’m going to talk about my resolutions for this year and let’s hope I can be better this year in some way!!

2017 Resolutions:

  1. Stop taking myself so seriously-I need to learn to laugh at myself more and get over my fear of embarrassment because it holds me back a lot. Sure there’s times where I’d love to dance around like nobody’s watching but I just don’t want to look stupid in front of people.  I need to let that go. Look stupid in front of people. Like why does there opinion matter if I’m having fun? It doesn’t. Remember that!
  2. Focus on college-Girl, I need to stay in college or I will have nothing. I love it there and I don’t want to give it up because I have difficulty focusing. Pick up the slack this semester, because repeating isn’t an option.
  3. Learn to deal with being alone-I have a fear of both abandonment and being alone. So when I’m alone, I get really depressed. I have a constant need to always be around people and when I’m not I kind of freak out, like a lot. I get inside my own head and tell myself why I’m alone “It’s because they all hate you!” Sometimes it can go to the realm of insanity where I ask myself “Are you sure there ever was people? You have actually been alone the last 18 years, you just imagined that these other people were there!” Luckily the latter thought is very rare.
  4. Work on making myself better-I think I’ve spent the last 2 years saying I will try and make myself better, but I want this to be the year where I really start doing something about it. The year is already off to a good start, so I need to try and keep it up!!

 

 

 

To Dexter,

Well it’s coming up to the time where you will depart from the college to go on work placement. It is also the time where I will realise how much I actually needed having you around. Over the past year and a half, you have been without a doubt ome of my favourite people that I’ve met at college even though I might not always say that. That is merely my gender bias as typically I do prefer girls. However, you have changed my perspective on that. When I entered college, a nervous and extremely socially anxious 17 year old, from the first day I met you you have always been really nice to me. Which before you, I didn’t think it would be possible for a guy to be in any way kind to me. You restored my faith in the male population.

I met you during the first week of classes. My class and I were in the R-block waiting for our lecturer to turn up. We told you that we were 1st year TV Radio and you introduced yourself to us and ask all our names. You urged us to join the radio society. We would see you two more times that week, again both times you were telling us to join the society. So when societies day eventually came along I signed up because although I didn’t know what to think of you because it felt like you were following us everywhere, I was interested to see what the society had to offer. I went to the first meeting you were the one I looked for in the crowded room because you were the only society member that I knew. You have continued to be one of the people I look for in a crowded room to this day.  I remember the first time I actually saw the desk and got a crash course on how to use it.  I was at the seating area across from the radio studio and was able to hear your morning show playing while I tried to get my work done. I got really excited when I heard you fade Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’ into Johnny Cash’s ‘I Walk The Line’. I thought it was the most amazing show ever because the songs weren’t the typical shitty pop songs that are constantly on commercial radio stations. You walked over to one of my classmates and I. I asked you “Was that you just on the radio there?” Trying to pretend as if I hadn’t already memorized the show timetable by the 3rd week of college. You said it was and asked if it was good because you could only play music because the microphones weren’t working (shocker).  I then proceeded to fangirl, to an extent, as I told you how much I loved the song choices and how cool I found the fading between songs. You then brought me and my classmate into the studio to show us how the desk worked and I immediately forgot everything, but thank you for the introduction to it. We all stayed in the studio until class started about an hour later. I told you that I was gay and then I think I quickly changed it to bi but stated I had a preference to women. I think that was the first time I had said it to someone in college. We started to show each other photos of each others friends and asked did the other people think they were hot or not. It was one of your ideas to do that, not mine.

The first time I think I hung out with you outside of the college grounds was the day of the power cut. It was in October and we all got to leave really early. So we went with the then 3rd years and another girl in my class to McDonalds. The 3rd year tables were already full so it was me,you and the girl in my class at a table together. You asked us who the bitch in our class was. I said “It’s obviously me.” You laughed at that. After that the 3 of us went with two 3rd years to your house. We were there for a while. You played call of duty with one of the 3rd years and kept saying things like “Isn’t my house really cool?” You were pretty much just trying to be really cool the entire time.

At the first normal meeting for Bang FM, the shows in which first years had to sit in on were being decided. You knew that I was a bit nervous about having to sit in on a show so you put me with the two chairpersons of the society and you assured me that they would be nice and welcoming and not to be nervous because they will teach me how to use the desk, and very well I might add. Through our conversations over the next few months I felt myself becoming more comfortable around both you and the rest of the members of the society. I was less afraid to go into the radio studio as I had been avoiding going in there for the first two months out of fear of everyone else. I was also very gullible in first semester to anything you told me. After a while I realised that you just talk a lot of shit and not everything you say actually happened. Like you weren’t as much of a stoner as you had me believe, but at the time it was all I could think of to write in the Christmas card I gave you. It was the end of December when we both got voted to be in the new committee for the society. I was so excited for myself because I got to be P.R.O. Even more than that though, I was really proud of you for becoming the chairperson. I knew that I had to have fun being on that committee because you would be on it. I always had fun even through all the stressful times of work.

I loved every meeting, especially the committee ones. We hadn’t much going on for the first month but then came the planning for our event as well as all the publicising I had to do for it. I liked being a part of something and I liked knowing what was going on before anyone else did.  The actual event planning and all my work online wasn’t all that bad. It was all very successful and the event itself went very well. The forms for BICS on the other hand were absolutely dire. We spent more time together during the time we were doing them than we ever have since. Every evening we would be doing forms and stressing out about them for a few weeks. We were even in doing work over the Easter break for them. There was points where I was getting so stressed that I got angry at you, and  actually most people around me at the time.  There was a few evenings where we would leave college and I remember one of them when we walking and it was a night where we had most of the work done. We got to the roundabout where you would have been crossing at to go home. You gave me a hug and were like “Thank you missus. Wouldn’t have been able to do all this without you.” I don’t think there was ever a time where you made me feel unappreciated. You made sure I knew that the work I was doing was good. I would like to thank you for that because it made me want to keep working and it made all the stress worth it. I liked that we communicated well. If something needed to be discussed about the society you would call me. You called me once on your walk to work and I don’t think many other people have realised that calling me is actually useful and that phones are capable of doing such things.

You are one of the few people who can deal with my mental health in a good way. You always kind of know what to say to me and you are constantly checking up on me. I was after having a major anxiety attack one day when we needed to get work done last year and I said to you “Right, I don’t want anyone in here bar you and Captain Kerry because we need to do work. Keep everyone else out. Except Jodi she’s cool I guess.” You always ask why I’m not feeling ok as opposed to just moving on from it and forgetting I said anything. You try to make me laugh during those times too because sometimes I’m upset for a stupid reason so you just call me a loser and tell me the truth that I am, in fact, bringing that pain onto myself and I need to stop doing that. You are right, yet I refuse to listen.  Recently you have been there for me even more. I tweeted something recently which was really bad and had I done what I said I wanted to do, it would have been harmful to me. Despite the fact that you do not follow me on twitter, you decided that you would look at it as a way to check up on me. You talked to one of my roommates as soon as you found out to check see if I was ok. You didn’t check with me directly or tell me about this until a day or two after because you didn’t want to freak me out. You told me that I was stupid for even thinking about it and I know I was. After you had this discussion with me on Thursday, you gave me a hug and that day I was also feeling really shitty so that hug actually meant a lot.  Even while writing this blog you were checking up on me to make sure I was ok.

So this semester started off with me seeing very little of you, which I was very vocal about not liking. I hated that I hardly saw you. Then about a month ago you started calling up to my house for tea and even spending almost every night of one week at my house always later than 1am. As this semester comes to a close I need to face the music that you won’t be around for next semester. I feel like I’ll be a bit lost without you. I’m trying not to think about too much about it for as long as possible. I guess the real point of this blog was to say that I will miss you. I know I’ll see you again in September but I’ll miss you face around college everyday. I know I don’t say it enough to you so I just want to say, thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the last year and a bit. Thank you for putting up with me when I’m in a bad mood. Thank you for caring about me because I’m always insecure about the fact that I feel like no one cares about me, but I know for definite that you do. I love you loser and let’s have one last hurrah before you leave for work placement!!

I’m Losing My Memory

I’ve noticed over the past few months that my memory is getting worse and worse. For the most part I think it is attributed to my alcohol consumption as I have gone out at least once a week for almost every week since September.  It’s gotten a lot worse recently probably because I had a lot to drink over 3 nights in a row last week. I find it really hard to remember some parts of Pink Training. Like I took a snapchat of my friend dancing away in Chambers and I had no recollection of it and was really surprised to see it on my story the next day. It scares me when I can’t remember things. I usually have one of the best memory’s when it comes to nights out or any event in general. I can remember the smallest of details that everyone else always forgets ever happened.

I went out Thursday night and since I had no money I had to do all my drinking before the night club. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that drunk before. Even my drunk weekend seemed tame in comparison. I was over drinking at my house for a while before going to over to the 4th years place. I was langers when I got there. I was outside smoking a cigarette at one point and I kind of fell against the wall and said “I’m seriously drunk and I hate it.” I went back over the my place after a while to go to the bathroom and my roommate wouldn’t let me go back to the 4th years until I downed 2 pint glasses of water. It did nothing. Refreshing yes, but that is the extent of the help it gave me. We eventually went to Fabrik and for the first time ever I wasn’t asked for ID going in there. I had already bought my ticket so I could walk right in without queuing to pay. I told Jodi I was going to the bathroom and I’d see her inside. When I left the bathroom I couldn’t find anyone for what felt like ages. I got really upset and frustrated because I just felt really lost on my own and it was really busy there too so I was anxious as fuck. I felt like their was a war going on inside of brain,heart,liver and stomach all night. All locked away not to be shared with a soul. Even if I had told someone how I was feeling I really don’t think they would have understood the full extent of it. I don’t even fully understand it.

I’d say my favourite part of the night was the walk home. I was with Jodi,Tab and Stan. I was really walking with Jodi as Tab and Stan were a bit ahead of us. I was told today that there was people I met at the Fabrik last night that I don’t remember meeting. Anyways as we were walking home we were belting out the chorus of Robbie Williams song ‘Angels’, as well as listening to a few other songs while we walked. I was definitely happiest in that moment. I noticed as we began to leave town and head home that I was being really needy and clingy. I just kept linking my arm with Jodi’s. I don’t know was it because I hadn’t seen her all day until I went to the 4th years house. I don’t know did I feel like I was going to fall over. I don’t know what was wrong with me. As happy as I was with them, I was relived to be back at the house so I could get to bed. Stan was staying on my couch and I didn’t go into the sitting room so I only found out today that Dexter was also sleeping there. I didn’t even know he was in the house. I didn’t even see him all night. I went up to my room anyway still smiling and happy from the walk home. That was until I turned the light on in my room and closed the door. I just looked at my empty bed and got really sad. I felt lonely. I wish I had someone to share it with, although it’s only a single bed. Nothing sexual or anything because I’m not about that. I just wanted someone to hold me and make me feel safe. Make me feel loved and cared for. I don’t know why I’ve gotten really upset about not being in a relationship. I know this happens ever now and again but the idea of someone actually being in love with me, and it not some cruel joke someone plays on me to mess with my emotions,is still just a mere fantasy. As the months go by I feel as though this could remain a fantasy for a very long time. Due to the fact that I’m not really into the whole having sex thing, my ultimate wish from a physical point of view is someone who will hug me forever. From an emotional point of view all I want is someone who cares a lot about me, adores me as much as I adore them, makes me laugh, helps me through my anxious and depressive states, tells me stories, talks a lot and let’s me just sit there and listen. I guess I just need to be patient. I’ll have that someday. I deserve to have that someday right?

Pink Training 2016!

I don’t think I have the words to properly describe what that weekend was but I will try to paint the picture of it as best as I can. It was the most amazing weekend of my life and I can’t be more thankful that I had the opportunity to go. It was the 1st time in a really long time where I was at an event and I didn’t feel insecure at all. For those of you who don’t know, Pink Training is a 3 day long event run by the USI in relation to the LGBTQIA+ community and discussing current issues affecting the community and learning more about other identities that we may not know much about. I didn’t really get too excited about going. Mostly because if I get too excited about something it usually ends up going to shit. I got nervous about going to it alright. I’m not a stranger to being out and proud but it is still a secret to the likes of my parents and family. I made sure when I started college that everyone knew that I was gay, or at the time bisexual. Only one person ever seemed to have a problem with it and they have since ceased in their detest for it.

As proud of my sexuality as I am, there is still issues I always have with it and there is ways in which I hide it. I never think about my sexuality a lot and it is something I always push to the back of my mind. In fact, I thought I might like girls from the age of like 12 and didn’t think it was something I needed to waste my time thinking about so I just forgot about it. It wasn’t until I was 15 or 16 that I started to learn about what being gay really was and that I actually could be a lesbian. On a daily basis, I do tend to hide half of my sexuality because of the negative stereotypes and misunderstandings that go along with it. That is the fact that I am asexual and if I tell anyone that they just want to tell me that I’m wrong and when the right person comes along I will change my mind. They think that because I’m asexual I can’t be attracted to girls and my lesbian status is wrong. I am romantically attracted to girls and I do have sexual thoughts towards some of these girl crushes it doesn’t make me any less asexual and being asexual doesn’t make me any less of a lesbian.

So back to Pink Training. We started off by registering. We ended up getting a bag full of free things, a t-shirt which has a quote by Oscar Wilde on it that says “Be yourself;everyone else is already taken”, we got wristbands that say “I’m an LGBT ally”, and we got lanyards where we wrote our name, pronouns, and our college. The pronouns being on them was really wonderful to see because it erases the need to try and awkwardly ask and you can skip right to the stage of respecting what someone’s pronouns are from the beginning. Like if someone asked me what my pronouns are it would make me feel somewhat insecure like I think “Do I not look like a girl?” At the same time that isn’t exactly how I should be thinking because what does it mean to look like a girl but when you are the gender you are and you accept and identify yourself as that gender you just feel like everyone else should be able to see that too. It’s also the fact that as a cis female I have been mis-gendered more than once so I feel really strongly about using the correct pronouns for everyone because that mis-gendering stuff feels really shit.

After registration we got free pizza and then since we had registered so early and that was on for 2 hours we went to the room where the first talk was on in and watched them set up the speakers and microphones and stuff. While this was happening  one of the guys working for USI was just playing a videos on the projecter and we were just pissing ourselves laughing. Eventually the talk was starting so we got our seats up in one of the middle rows of the lecture hall that it was on in. As eager as we were about Pink Training we weren’t eager enough to stay sitting in the front row. I loved the welcome talk so much it was really during that talk that I really started to get excited about Pink Training. Also that my love for one of the USI members is still intact and stronger than ever. We didn’t have really many talks on the Friday it was mostly and introduction so we for all of Friday we just had the welcome talk, icebreakers and then a Lip Sync Battle. On the lanyards we got a important person in the LGBT+ community written on the back of each one e.g. Laverne Cox, Ellen Degeneres,Harvey Milk etc. There was rooms marked with a photo and description of who the person was an whoever’s name was on the back of our lanyards was the room we had to go to for our icebreakers. I got the Panti Bliss room. The icebreaker was a bingo game where it had things like “Is a Ravenclaw”, “Actually likes the taste of vodka”, “Has a crush on someone at Pink Training”. The whole point of it was that we had to go talk to the other people in the room in hopes that we could say yes to one of the boxes on our bingo sheet and we could cross it off and write their name on underneath where we marked it off. It was fun actually and I usually really hate icebreakers. We went back into the main room of the Training which was the Harvery Milk room and we watched the Lip Sync Battle. We learned a lot about Harvey Milk over the weekend and before then I had never heard of him but now I’m really interested to learn even more about him because his story is really interesting and I’ve always been very curious in the LGBT+ community in the 20th century. The Lip Sync battle was amazing but due to unforeseen circumstances it was cut short and we watched the rest of the acts on Sunday. It was hosted by one of the local drag queens and I realized this weekend that I love drag queens. They just make me so happy.

When that finished up we drove back to the hostel to get ready for our first night out in Cork. Unlike most colleges we drove to the event and I think it made it much better because if we had to rely on public transport I’d say we would have missed talks because we would not have gotten up in time for the bus. Also the drives up and down were a really great part of the weekend. We got to the hostel and I was given a top bunk. I didn’t ask for one but I secretly wanted one more than anything. As soon as I got up there I think I was really happy. I was sitting up there Saturday morning and Jodi looked up at me, which was a first, and was like “I have never seen you more happy than when you’re sitting up there. Like you have not stopped smiling since you got up there.” The room was really small but luckily it was only the 6 of us from our delegation that were in the room so it wasn’t that bad. It just meant that I couldn’t always leave the room when I wanted to and I kept having to delay it because there was nowhere for me to walk. I just sat up on my bunk pretending like I was getting ready. It doesn’t take me that long to get ready anyways so it wasn’t that much of a hindrance. I did have to use alternative sides of the bed to get down that weren’t the designated ladder but I didn’t fall once (thank god). While we were getting ready one of my friends in my class sent me a message saying that she showed her friend a photo of me and she thought I was “gorgeous”, which made me feel like this was a joke message because who the fuck would think that about me. I knew it wasn’t a joke because my friend wouldn’t do that but anyways the girl was looking for my number. I knew I didn’t want to give her my number but I still wasn’t completely sure what to do so I showed it to Jodi and she read it out to the room. The entirety of my delegation was like “Message her back right fucking now and get that number!” I messaged my friend back anyway and said I didn’t feel comfortable giving her my number because I didn’t know anything about her bar her first name. Also I didn’t want to be thinking about that while I was going out because I was really hoping this weekend I would get my first ever shift but that never happened. At least some people got that lucky this weekend!!!

So we eventually called a taxi to get into town from our hostel. We had a little bit to pre drink but we had to leave so that we would be in before half past 11 because they had free entry until then. We didn’t make it in in time but entry was only €3 so it wasn’t that bad. So I had my first experience with Chambers and I fucking loooooooved it!!!!! Until I went there I thought I hated nightclubs, I still probably hate most of them but I love Chambers. The music wasn’t bad and I had waaay too much to drink that night. At least I had one drink paid for. That was by a girl that I met at BICS in April and who I referred to in that blog as Hedgehog, so I’m sticking with that as her name for the rest of this too. (Alternative title for this blog was ‘The Return of Hedgehog’ but I didn’t want this blog to be all about her, I think someone else would might a much better one than I ever could about her). I spent all night in the nightclub with my delegation, Hedgehog, and a guy who was at Pink Training that I have been friends with since I was 5 and I had not seen him since March so I was really happy that he was there. I can’t even remember what drinks I had that night but that’s mostly because I wasn’t the one who ordered them. I just gave someone money to get me whatever shot they were getting. All in all Friday was a good night. We got back to the hostel and I went up to my bunk first because somebody wasn’t ready to go to bed yet because apparently one would regret sleeping in jeans, but not me I didn’t regret it someone else felt like they would have and told me I would too. I was literally lying down covers over me and everything and then I hear that Jodi and two of the girls were going out for a cigarette and I sprung out of bed and I was like “Wait for me I want to have one too!!” After our cigarette we went back upstairs and were getting ready for bed. A teddy that Jodi had bought earlier that day was kicked out of the bed. There is a story behind this teddy and it makes me laugh so much. So when we arrived in Cork we were there a few hours before registration started so we went to the Wilton shopping centre. We went into Penneys and you know we were shopping around getting things that we needed like unicorn bracelets and some stuff we didn’t need like fake eyelashes. We were looking at the gift section of the shop where they were selling customized cups and mugs and stuff and Jodi sees this little penguin teddy there all on it’s own and it made her feel sad she was like “Where’s his family? I need to go find his family!” She looked for the family for the bones of 30 seconds and gave up but wouldn’t let go of the teddy. If she couldn’t find his family then he was coming home with her, and that’s exactly what happened. Even though when we were in the queue she did actually see a place where there was a load of these small Christmas teddies, at that point she had developed an emotional attachment to him and had to buy him at that stage because there was no turning back. She walked out of their then and was like “I don’t know why I did that. I don’t need him. I couldn’t leave him there but like why did I just buy him?” Anyways as the day progressed the teddy later became known as Fred, I think it was a very apt name. So when he got kicked out of bed Friday night I felt bad for him. Once he got the name I really felt like he became part of the delegation. Also I usually have a teddy at home so I found comfort in having one while I was there. Especially seeing as I had no person to actually cuddle with, I had to deal with what I was given. I am sure though that anyone who had someone to actually cuddle with there had a much better night than I did. I got really emotional Friday night when I went to bed after my cigarette so I kind of had a bit of a short,silent cry before I actually went to sleep and no it had nothing to do with me sleeping in an unfamiliar place or anything like that I just felt lonely in a room of 6 people.

So Saturday morning was not very fun when waking up. I was so tired but thank god all I had to was throw on a t-shirt and wipe off my make-up. I went to a lot of talks on Saturday but there is a few I regretted not going to. From the ones I did go to though I learned how to run a kick-ass society, the link between repeal the 8th and LGBT+ rights, and decoding bisexual stereotypes. I loved that bisexual talk so much because there is so many stupid stereotypes surrounding bi people and they infuriate me more than anything else so if you think that they are representative of what it means to be bisexual than I will physically fight you you fucking ignorant bastard. We then got a talk from Microsoft because they were sponsoring PT and honestly I couldn’t complain especially when I saw the speaker from Microsoft. As in Jodi, Hedgehog and I were all sitting next to each other and just weak for the speaker, she was insanely pretty and the American accent really helped, or at least it really did for Jodi. We then got a talk from a guy who had a history with the gay rights movement in Cork and really pointed out how much Cork is involved in the movement which I never realised until his talk. We then made our way back to the hostels to get ready for night 2. I decided I would wear a dress because why the fuck not? While I didn’t really feel insecure over the weekend, there was a few points where I felt less secure about myself because of someone else. Someone who I found out is the same clothes size as me, has a really fucking attractive body and then there’s me with nothing to offer anyone unless they want to cuddle a fucking human marshmallow, which no one obviously fucking does. (Sorry that sentence came off angrier than I intended it too.) The people in my delegation really liked the dress when I showed it to them and when I wearing it they said I looked nice. That was the start and end of any compliments I received during the weekend, it’s not like I expected any.

We left the hostel to go to the bar where we were meeting all the other delegates for the Pink Party. There was giant Jenga, finger food, and more importantly there was a bowling alley on the second floor. The place seemed unreal. We had to be at the bar around half 8 after getting back to the hostel at around 7 so there was no time for pre-drinking, much to everyone’s dismay except mine because I’m a lightweight.  So when we got to the bar, Jodi and I went to a nearby off licence so that she could buy a naggin of vodka. It was down a not very well lit alley way and because she was nervous for just the two of us to walk down there she said “Should we get a lad to go with us?” To which I responded being “We don’t need a fucking lad!!!” So we made our way there fine but Jodi had to do a bit of a jog back because she was still a bit scared about that alley way. We got back to the bar and Jodi ordered a 7-up and we went upstairs so that she could go to the bathroom to mix it with her naggin. She was acting as if she was doing something illegal like it felt like we about to plan a heist or throw a cherry bomb down the toilet or something.  We went back down and met up with the rest of our delegation and headed towards Chambers. We made it there just in time for free entry. Also I was happy I wasn’t as drunk as the Friday night because I had to show my age card, student card and lanyard and I would have not been able to do that if I was any more inebriated. I think I had the best night that night because while we were in there I got to meet the USI president and I think I died and went to heaven. I can’t remember the last time I was that incredibly happy. We didn’t even talk for that long. I told her that I saw her at the Education March a few weeks ago and I loved her speeches from that and she immediately goes “Have you contacted your local TD yet? You’d better contact them as soon as you get home. Promise me that.” I told her that I will but we’ll just leave it at that. While I was talking to her and just on cloud nine, Jodi was standing nearby with one of the other USI officers and she says to him “Look over there, look at Sandra.” He goes “What has her so happy?” Jodi just says “Because of who she’s talking to.” I think he then just rolled his eyes. I then had a shot with the USI president and another officer, I think it was sambuca. After I was done with that interaction with the USI president, which two days later I’m still on a high from, I ran straight over the Jodi and hugged her, kissed on the cheek and was like “Thank you so much!!!!!” Jodi then said that even more than when I was sitting up in the top bunk of the bed in the hostel, she had never ever seen me more happy then that moment in Chambers. I don’t know if I had ever been that happy before but I loved it. I love that the happiness hasn’t subsided yet. I also got a selfie with her so I can always relive that moment. We were in Chambers for another while and then we headed back to the hostel.

This is where I brought the happiness to a halt. I don’t know why but I got the idea into my head that I would be cuddling Jodi that night, like why would I think  when I’m you know human marshmallow and all that, but I got really upset when I found out that it was not to be. I had no right to be upset. I had no reason to be upset. I just remember we were both outside our room in the hallway and as I go to the room door I just said like “Go fuck yourself Jodi!” She says to me in a sort of calm voice, “Sandra, stop it. We never said that was going to happen.You can’t get upset about this” Again I go “Just go fuck yourself”. She said “Are you going to be angry at me in the morning?” I kind of smirked because I’m not used to being angry like that and she said straight away “Ha you’re smiling, you’re not mad at me at all.” If anything I think this made me more upset and I don’t know why so I just started saying “Do whatever the fuck you want I don’t care anymore you can fuck off!” Then she said something that kind of broke my heart she was like “Do you want me to start crying?” I completely switched and I ran up to her and I was like “Please don’t cry. I’m sorry. I really don’t want you to cry I was being stupid.” I think I had said sorry but it’s hard to remember. A lot was happening in the space of a few minutes. So then I gave her a hug and she started bawling crying. All weekend I never felt any bit sick but in that moment I actually felt so sick to my stomach with myself. I felt evil. I felt like I had done the worst thing, which I did. I hurt someone who has never hurt me. It didn’t matter that I was drunk, that is no excuse. I was an utter bitch. So while I was hugging her and she was crying she tried to let go and said “I’m fine.” I said in a sad sort of soft voice, “No you’re not.” Still crying she said “You’re right, I’m not” So I hugged her for a bit longer and shortly after that she stopped crying. We did make up before we actually went to bed but I again silently cried myself to sleep but that night it was worse because I knew I had fucked up. You know what I didn’t deserve to cuddle anyone that night. I didn’t even deserve Fred, the penguin teddy, but I had him nonetheless.  I don’t think I said anything about it the next day because we were so busy for most of the day so I think I kind of blocked it out. I thought about it in the car but I didn’t want to bring down the vibe of the car journey home and also I only wanted to say it to Jodi. I sent her a message when I got home because I couldn’t sleep without properly apologising. I am really sorry about what happened and I feel like I am coming very close to strike 3 in this friendship so I’m worried if I fuck up once more that’s it. She’ll say “gone good luck” to me and that’ll be it. I know I’m being a little paranoid but my biggest fear, even more than spiders or the many other things I am extremely fearful of, is losing her as a friend and I will try my hardest to make sure I don’t ever fuck up again because I fucking hate this feeling and I hate what I did. Now all I can do is apologise, prove that it won’t happen again, and try to show her that I’m not a complete fuckwad.

Sunday morning I woke up and everyone was rushing around packing their bags which I had pretty much done all of the night so I know I had time to keep lying there and not doing anything. I think I got hit twice to get the fuck up and then I got a pillow thrown at me by one of the girls and I threw it back at her and was told that if I didn’t get up straight away she would go over to my bunk and attack me. So I sat up immediately and was like “I’m up, you can’t attack me now!” I ended up just throwing my jeans on and sitting up there while I watched everyone else rush to get things done. Like I was ready to go before anyone else really. Yet none of us would have left in time for the only talk I was actually really excited to go to which was “Asexuality 101” the first of our cars that went would have gotten there half way through the talk and I didn’t go then because I’d rather have been in that talk from the start, I couldn’t walk in half way through into that talk. When Jodi knew that I was missing it I just said to her “Well there’s nothing I can really do about it now. It’s fine!” I was in the room for ages with Jodi and Hedgehog and the whole time I was still just sitting up in my bunk. Jodi was like “Are we all ready to go?” To which Hedgehog says “Sure Sandra isn’t ready to go she’s still up in bed!” So I tried to be cool and really fucking smooth and jump over the railing of my bunk on the ground below and I landed successfully. However, I really hurt my shoulders when I jumped from the bed because I was holding onto the railing of both my bed and the one across from it. So when I jumped down I felt like I was going to pull my arms out of their sockets. As soon as I landed I laid down in the bottom bunk until my shoulders stopped hurting which took a couple of minutes. It would have been nice if they were more concerned about the fact that I could have dislocated one or both of my shoulders but sure look and sure listen I was fine. I didn’t need anyone to care. It just shows what happens when I try to be smooth and show off. It ends up making me look stupid.

We got into the college in time for about half an hour of the safe spaces. Each identity had their own room so like there was a gay safe space, a bi safe space, a transgender safe space etc. So I wasn’t really in the mood to go into one of these talks alone,I wasn’t with anyone who was my orientation and I was torn between going to the lesbian space or the asexual space. I just went with Jodi into the bisexual safe space and I really loved it. The speakers in their were amazing and like I really just loved the atmosphere of the room and hearing all the different stories. If anything I think that that was the best talk of PT bar anything that went on in the main lecture hall when we were all together. We had the rest of the Lip Sync battle and it kind of woke us up a bit. Then it was followed by the very emotional goodbye talk. As in the president of USI started to cry towards the end of her speech and I fucking lost it. I couldn’t deal. Also just the idea that Pink Training was ending I was an emotional wreck leaving that lecture hall. We then went and got a group photo taken with us all in our different colour t-shirts that we were given which were made up of the colours the rainbow. We got our lunch and then decided to head off after saying a few goodbyes. We went out to the car and we were there for a bit before we actually left but in a few ways I was very happy to be heading home. We stopped for McDonalds in Mallow on the way home and I found out that I had some sort of drink Saturday night that had brandy in it and I didn’t even know. To be fair I feel like my memory of this weekend is really bad. I honestly think that I drank too much and it’s taking me far longer to remember all the little details that I usually do after a night out.

As relieved as I was to finally get home, it was still a sad time especially since there was no one in my house when I got back. Also as soon as I walked in the door all I could hear was voices inside my head. It started off with just the voices of who I was just in the car with and then it became voices of everything that happened over the weekend whether they were conversations I had been involved in or not, I could just hear all of these different voices and some I did not recognise. They started getting louder and louder and I felt like I was going to break down. All I wanted to do was hit my head and try to get my brain to shut up, but luckily I resisted. Thankfully my mom called about 45 minutes into my crisis and while I didn’t tell her what happened, it did get the voice to start to quiet down and eventually disappear.

I waited for one of my roommates to come home and talked to her for a bit before I went to bed. I slept for 11 hours. When I awoke the Monday morning I think I felt really happy. I never wake up happy unless I have plans in which I’m really excited for. I didn’t get into college until like 20 past 11. I had a really good day at college, even better than usual. I did only go to one of the three classes I had but that’s a normal Monday recently. Jodi actually went to college even though I really thought that she wouldn’t because she didn’t have to be in. We actually saw a lot of each other today which I thought was really weird because I thought that she would definitely have had enough of me after the weekend. In the smoking area I actually congratulated her on surviving the weekend with me. I brought up the fact that I was going to write this blog and she told me not to write some things in this and I respected that and told her I wouldn’t. The main reason being that all throughout Pink Training it was always said that not everyone wants what they were doing at Pink Training out on the internet because the whole point of the Training was that it was a safe space where everyone’s privacy should be respected so that’s why I kept some things out of this. Another big reason being is that she is my friend and if she really doesn’t want me to write something on here then I won’t because what good would that do anyone. It’s not like these things I would’ve have written had any relation to me. She is the only one who has the right to share them. However, she did tell me also tell me not to write about our fight because it would just make her cry, and that’s the only thing I said no to her on. That fight was all my fault. It was me being a complete bitch. This is part of my therapy process. I can’t only deal with the good parts of the weekend, the one bad thing that happened needs to be mentioned too so that it is out of my system and I can actually move on from it because if I don’t I could overthink about it for months and really bring myself down about it.  However, today despite those post PT blues we both got on as normal and I made her laugh a lot which is always my favourite thing to do especially since the most difficult thing for me to do is to get Jodi to properly laugh out loud at something I say instead of just a giggle or something like she usually does. So she was on Facebook and a post came up about Pokemon of which she knows very little about. It was about having hope in yourself because something as useless as a Magikarp can turn into something as strong as a Gyarados. So she found this funny but didn’t fully understand it so I described Magikarp in a way I knew would make her laugh, I said “All Magikarp fucking did was flop around, he did fuck all!!” While saying that I was moving my hands like a fish would moves it’s fins when it’s out of water and flopping all around the place. I gave her a hug when she was leaving and she tried to break off that hug but because today wasn’t the best day for her I knew she needed a longer hug so I didn’t let go for a little bit after that. When she was getting her bag and going to leave she said that she did really need that hug. I honestly think that was the only long hug where it wasn’t because I was being needy, I was actually trying to do it selflessly because I think she needed it more than I did.

I have come away from Pink Training a bit confused like I was when I started college last year. I feel like I could actually be bisexual, with more preference towards women. I’d still be asexual though so like dicks still repulse me more than anything on this entire planet. So maybe I’m not really bisexual but that’s for me to continue to try and figure out. I’m really proud after coming away from Pink Training with questions because I really thought I was at the point where I was dead certain on what I identified as. That’s the thing though sexuality can be fluid so this will probably be a constant thing I question for the rest of my life but at least now, compared to a few years ago, I actually do know that there is women I’m attracted to and I know a few things about them that I’m attracted to. Pink Training is just to help me progress through this journey of sexuality.#ProgressInPink

My Life Isn’t All That Bad!

I use these blogs as a way to vent and tell you why my life is shit. Yeah well that is what life is for everyone, it is shit. I need to remember more often that I actually have a not so bad life. I still wouldn’t say it’s like totes amazeballs but I have a lot of reasons to be happy with the life I’ve been given.

Over the last numbers of weeks, I had become closer to giving up. I expected last week to be my last week ever, despite not having a suicide planned out at all. I know I need to go see someone about this but I just can’t do it. I don’t want them to tell me I’m crazy. I am afraid they will think I am a severe case and send me off somewhere that I will be hold up in for the rest of my life. Yet I have no problem telling non-professionals all my problems. Well I guess not all my problems because I didn’t tell anyone until this blog that I wanted to end my life and the want for that has been building up over the last 2-3 weeks. Why would I tell them though? What good would come out of that? If I told my friends, I would probably just make them upset and that’s the last thing I want. Newsflash to me: They do care about me and they do love me.  So let’s talk about this week and how even though there has been a few awful points to the week, something has turned my mood right around and I can’t help but feel happy.

The week started fine. All my classes were fine on Monday and Tuesday. On Tuesday we has a seminar on in the college called “Media Madness” where speakers from different forms of Media and with a load of experience and work in the area came to talk to us and answer questions. It was really interesting and I  learned a lot from them and also where I do not want to work in the future. I decided that I would go out Tuesday night and I actually had a really good night. I went pre drinking in one of my classmates house and it was really nice to have like most of our class all together.  When we were going out only half of us who were in the house left while all the others stayed in. We went out and there was only like one of the usual places open so we went there for a little bit. We left to see if the late bar that we’d usually go to was open and it wasn’t so we walked back to where we just were and I looked across the road at the ATM and I saw Jodi. I ran straight across the road and when she saw me she screamed “Sandra!!” in an excited voice and gave me a hug. We all then went back into the bar we were in earlier and stayed there for the next 2 hours. The DJ was actually playing good music for once. I got very drunk that night. I bought a few drinks out but I didn’t order any of them I just give the person ordering the money to get me whatever they’re having. I gave Jodi a €10 to get my drink so I needed €5 euro back. However drunk me thought I had given her a €20 note so I kept saying that I should get a ten back as well as the five but then well I realised that I was in fact wrong, I said I was sorry and I felt kinda bad. We were going up for a drink when Jodi and I’s song, ‘Lush Life’, came on. She noticed it before I did, which rarely happens, and she looked at me screamed and dragged me by the arm back to the dance floor. To be fair the song isn’t played all that often anymore on nights out so that made it more exciting when we heard it. Jodi hugged me a lot that night and also this week in general. What comes to mind from that night though is when we were on the dance floor and there was a guy, I think because I never looked, grabbing onto my and pulling me back and Jodi pushed his hands off and then pulled me into a hug and then asked me if I was ok. When we left the bar we walked home. Well we walked to the house of one of the third years we were out with. I went there for a little bit since it was only a short walk away from my accommodation. They were all kind of falling asleep so I decided that I would go home and that woke Jodi up a little. She was like “What? No your not. On your own? No. We’re walking with you to the corner of the estate at least.” I just told her that it was fine and they didn’t have to walk me there I could get there by myself. I was really happy on the walk home though because I was just thinking about the night and how good it really was. I was so happy actually that I started jumping and kicking my heels together. I did make a bruise on my ankle doing that but it was worth it I think.

The next day at college was not so fun. I got my sketchbook back in Media Graphics and it’s 50% of the whole module and she said mine wasn’t even worth 10%. It just really bothered me and it still does. I nearly started crying while the lecturer ripped into me for my work, or therefore lack of  work in her eyes. I only ate 3 hash browns at around 11am and then didn’t eat for the rest of the day. I wasn’t in the mood to eat. I wasn’t hungry.

Thursday was a much better day even though it was kind of stressful. I had a presentation to do and I was shaking while doing it and I don’t know why I just got really nervous. I finished college at 6 and I had to rush home and get dressed and eat before getting a taxi down to a bus that was bringing us to the Fashion Show that the SVP Society in the college was running in one of the hotels in Tralee. I ended up missing the bus and the taxi driver had to drive me out to the hotel. It cost €11 which I guess wasn’t bad but I wasn’t planning on spending that much to get out there. They had a drinks reception at before the show and I think I had about 6 or 7 glasses of champagne. Later on during the show I had a bottle of Corona  which didn’t really affect me so I was fairly sober. I actually really loved the fashion show it was really entertaining. It probably helped that I knew like half the models. When the show finished I got a drive back with Jodi and one of the other 4th years, who I will call Tab. We went back to Oakfield because there was no way anyone was going out sober. I went to my house and I hadn’t planned for that part so I drank 2 cans that were in my room that my friend left last time he was there so I need to replace those soon. I was supposed to go over to the house that Jodi and Tab were drinking in but I ended up talking to my roommate the whole time we were at Oakfield. I also had to wait for my phone to charge because it was dead after the fashion show because I kept Snapchatting the whole thing. We got a taxi to the nightclub and went in and met the members that we know in the SVP Society who organised the entire event. We probably stayed there for like 20 minutes because the music that they were playing was all shit. So we left and walked towards Hennessy’s, a late bar, which felt like the longest walk ever. Jodi had started crying because the topic of suicide had come up, but it wasn’t by me. She just kept saying “This shouldn’t happen. There is supports out there. There’s not enough being done to tell people about them.”  We had walked a bit and I said that it easily could have been me who committed suicide. She grabbed my hand and said “No it couldn’t have. Don’t say that.” I mentioned how I had been thinking about it and while I said that she wouldn’t let go of my hand. Then she walked ahead a little and Tab came over the me and put his arm around me and was like “Come here to me now, you are loved and people do care about you and it’s not just Jodi.” Then he went on to list people who care about me and he was saying just more things like that. So then, naturally, I kind of started crying. We kept walking a bit, him still with his arm around me and then I just ran up to Jodi and hugged her. I was still crying and she was like “You are loved”. I said that she is loved too, because I always feel like everyone needs to know that they are and it shouldn’t be something that they ever doubt . It was a very long hug and then she started singing “1,2,3,4,5 once I caught a fish alive. 6,7,8,9,10 then I let it go again…” I just started laughing and somehow her singing that just made me feel much better and it just made me really happy.We then went into Hennessy’s and we got a drink that Tab is always on about called a Sour Daithi, which I’ve other from other people are meant to be lethal. Tab got ordered me one and after a few sips I had him get me a second one because I liked it so much and it didn’t have a negative effect on me or anything. We danced for a bit. Jodi told the DJ that it was my 21st birthday and if he could play Fifth Harmony. He said he already played so instead he played “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” which I really like anyways so luckily my fake birthday was not ruined. We left the nightclub to go get food. We ended up seeing some of our friends in the place we spent most of the time there throwing chips at each other. Jodi, Tab and I then got a taxi back to Oakfield and went up to my apartment. I went up to my room to get something and as I went to go back downstairs Jodi was sitting on one of the steps. The two of us then went up to my room, and Tab shortly followed. I never have anyone at my house that often so I wanted to show my room off. I managed to make Jodi laugh a lot so I felt great because of that. We then went back downstairs and had a cigarette before Tab and Jodi went back to where they were staying. They gave me a hug each and I told them “Thank you both for tonight!!” I smoked another cigarette, went up to my room, put on my unicorn onesie and went to bed.

I got up Friday morning feeling completely fine. I was a bit tired but I have been like that all week. I was still really happy from the night before that was until I actually got the percent for my sketchbook in Media Graphics sent to me. I got 22% in it, meaning that if I want to pass this module I need to get at least 66% in the next submission. However, I tried not to dwell on it too much. I liked the class that I had yesterday. It was Radio Production 1 and I love my lecturer for it. We were dividing into groups for our half hour radio show projects. We weren’t all in so when I joined one of the groups my lecturer saw that I was in a group with people who are more Tv/Film orientated and said “Ok good you have a radio person, someone who knows how to work the desk.” I got really excited I’m never the radio person. I am as capable of doing radio as any of the other radio people in my class and I shouldn’t be looked over constantly. I even gave ideas to the group in our discussion during class that they and my lecturer were impressed with.  Unfortunately, another radio person has been added to the group so I probably won’t get my time to shine as they will more than likely take over. Oh well, maybe next time eh?

Mental Illness Take 6: What’s New?

This week has been filled with more downs than ups. However, there is moments this week that have made me smile more than I have in ages and they just make me so happy to think about. If only they weren’t overshadowed by the negativity that has surrounded me this week. This has been a very stressful week to the point where I started to bottle my emotions again. I didn’t want to tell anyone what I was really thinking. Everyone has such a busy week, no one would have had time to listen me and my problems.  The main thing that has been lingering on my mind all week is that it has been a year since I got sexually harassed on the bus home one night from college. I didn’t really tell anyone I was thinking about it because at the time that it happened and for a good few months after it, I wouldn’t stop talking about it. I don’t think anyone really understands the extent to how much that affected me and I’m afraid that no one ever will. Since being at college, and especially over the past few months, I’ve had to try and make myself laugh at sexual jokes and innuendos. I was never comfortable with them and never really found them funny. Now I actually do find them funny, for the most part. There is jokes that I will make but it’s more because I know it will make someone else laugh because it’s really witty and quick. Also I like the look on Jodi’s face when I make certain jokes of an explicit nature because it’s really my motivation to keep saying things like that. Also it reminds me that I am actually intelligent. I’ve felt like an idiot my entire life but the friends I have at college make me feel as though I’m actually not stupid. They believe that I deserve to be at college. They have faith in me getting my assignments done and it’s always nice to  know that someone thinks you can succeed when you maybe having doubts about what you’re really capable of.

While I have now gotten used to these kinds of jokes, it doesn’t mean that the topic of sex and all things related to that is something I’m used to or like to talk about. I don’t mind of someone talks about it but in certain situations don’t expect me to want to listen. The way that some people talk about it make me want to physically get sick and I do need to walk away when theses things conversations get too much. I’m not sorry that I need to leave. At least I have the decency to leave instead of telling you to shut the fuck up because sometimes it gets so much that I nearly would do that. It’s worse depending on how I’m feeling that day too.  The last few weeks have been nothing but stress, anxiety and insecurities. Last week was the midterm and usually when I am away from my friends I get fairly depressed and there’s nothing I can really do about it, I just have to sit around and wait for it to pass. Luckily last week, while I had some dark days but not for the whole week. I just tried to focus on getting back to Tralee and getting to escape my parents. I was counting down the days until I got to go back and I left on one of the earliest buses I could. I was really happy to back with all my roommates on Sunday night, and I felt for the first time in over a week that I could breathe. I didn’t feel like at any moment the walls would start closing in on me, which seems to be the only way I can describe my week at home as feeling like. My mom wasn’t suffocating me and trying to get my attention all day everyday but it wasn’t any bit relaxing to be at home except for the fact that I could sleep for as long as I wanted to. While I was tired at the start of the week and needed to catch up on sleep I had missed, I think I slept extra to avoid having to interact with my family.  I know that sounds bad probably but ever since getting the independence of moving away from them, I find my parents to be very pushy with me doing things like last Thursday when I was forced to go clothes shopping. If I was a “normal” girl maybe I would be jumping for joy at the thought of going shopping and having my mother buy what I wanted so long as it was no more than €50, which in Penneys could get you a lot of clothes. I ended up getting a short Ramones top, which I probably won’t where for a long time, a green woolly jumper, and a Harry Potter pajamas. I hate shopping in Killarney. I don’t know why but I always feel really self conscious there as if everyone is looking at me like I have a giant arrow above my head that says “Mentally Unstable”. I get extremely anxious being in that Penneys. I also feel the same way about the TK Maxx in Killarney too. I have been to both shops in Tralee over the last month and I don’t have the same feeling towards them. I don’t feel anxious when I walk in. I think it’s very easy to hate where you’re from because it’s either “boring” or “nothing ever happens here”. I’ve hated where I live for a good portion of my life and if I ever say that to anyway I’m labelled as selfish because how could I hate a place as beautiful as Killarney.  Hate might be a strong word but I do have an immense dislike for the place. More so where I actually live. Home is where you should feel safe and secure. I can’t remember ever feeling like that in my home growing up. My estate was never a safe place. My house wasn’t even safe. Every day and night all the awful, menacing kids (Yes, I have always had a mentality of an 80 year old) would always congregate outside my house. Days on end filled with screaming, yelling, teasing, playing, would make me feel trapped inside my own house. I never wanted to go outside the front of my house when they were around because I was afraid they’d hurt me or start bullying me. They had threatened and teased me before so I always had a constant fear that one day when I was alone in the house that they would break in and would beat me and/or kill me. Bear in mind I have live in the same house since I was born and I started to get scared like this when I was about 5. It was also at that age that I started learning to ride a bike and so one day I was riding it in front of my house and a girl who lived in my estate, who was a little younger than I was, pointed and repeated over and over “BIG EARS! BIG EARS!DUMBO!DUMBO!” I had my hair tied in pigtails. To this day I always have to have my hair long enough to cover my ears and I refuse to cut it any shorter because I’m self conscious about my ears. It’s the main reason as to why I never got my ears pierced because earrings would have just drawn even more attention to them.There was always things being flung at our house, not always intentional but let’s be really it probably was always intentional I just refused to believe that these kids like to inflict panic in another kid who was afraid to do anything and would crawl on the ground when going passed windows in case they were outside and they saw me. It’s not like that anymore but I can’t help to feel nervous that it would happen again. I tend to call both my actual house in Killarney and my apartment in Tralee “home”. I think it’s just a force of habit but if one fit the definition of what a home truly is, I think that the apartment takes the cake.

This week probably started to go downhill when I pulled an all-nighter on Tuesday night and went to be at half 6 only to get up less than an hour later to go to college. I was trying to get work done while simultaneously watching the results of the US Presidential Election Results, which was stressful in itself. However, this night wasn’t bad the only bad thing was that I was getting no sleep and would thus affect me for the rest of the week. Jodi was also pulling an all-nighter so I saw her a couple of times throughout that night. She called me to come over and look at the work that she had done at around 3 am. I went over and after looking at the progress she had made, I stayed over there for over half an hour while she looked through the entirety of the TicketMaster website to see what she could find. We went from looking at Robbie Wiliams tickets, to Nathan Carter Tickets, and from Swan Lake tickets to Dracula on Ice tickets. We then proceeded to watch a video on YouTube called “30 songs you definitely known but don’t know the name of”. I was worried that from watching that we would get into a spiral of watching a load of those types of videos we watched about two. The whole time I was over there we were just laughing the entire time and I don’t know if it was because of the lack of sleep we were both experiencing or the fact that we are both just hilarious. I would like to think it’s the latter. We then went out for a cigarette in the freezing cold and then we hugged, said goodnight and she went to bed while I stayed up trying to keep working but struggling to keep focused. Later on that morning, when I woke up after my 40 minutes of sleep, I find out that Trump actually became president of the US. I still thought I was asleep and really hoped that this was some nightmare, but unfortunately was not part of some fictitious dream but a part of reality that will greatly affect the world for the next 4 years and possibly longer. I can only deal with a certain amount of political talk. I had the great fortune of a sitting around for a few hours with actual Trump supporters inside in the radio studio. I had to keep leaving to go smoke because I was getting so irritated and annoyed mostly because I didn’t get sleep and I really wanted Hilary to win and I’m sick of hearing people trying to justify Donald Trump by saying “You know he actually has some really good policies!” Just shut the fuck up I don’t give a shit. Feel free to think that by all means but don’t expect me to want care about your bullshit political stance.

Thursday is when everything became to much, which is really starting to become a trend.. Shit always seems to go down on Thursdays. I skipped my 11am class because I had to pick an idea for a film project and write a 500 word brief on it by 5pm. I had no clue what to write and it took me hours to pick something. I finally got my idea and I was like “Yeah it’s going to a soap opera version of this play”. I was writing away fine and then one of the lads walks in a sense “Well your film is going to have been amazing because that lecturer hates soap operas!” I slammed my laptop shut and said “What is the point of me even trying?” I was so angry I had the urge to punch the brick wall in the talk studio but I decided against it. Later on when it was only an hour away from when we were supposed to have our 4pm class, which was later cancelled, I still wasn’t done writing my film brief. Derek and I got called into the radio studio to film our segment for our Bang Fm informational video. I messed up my line the first time because I was trying to rush and get through it as quickly as possible. Derek was then like “Do you want me to just say it all?” I was told him yeah that he could just say it all. Then he was did the same way and paused after what would’ve been his line and as if I was supposed to say mine so I was like “I thought you said you were going to do it?” Then he started laughing and so did the other 3 guys in the room. So I stormed out the door and nearly started crying and I got to the R Block and realised I had nowhere to go because I couldn’t smoke because I left my cigarettes in the studio. So I went back and walked straight into the talk studio to where my laptop was and punched the brick wall 3 times with my right hand. I told the lads that I refuse to do to video and Derek can just record it himself. I went back to work. I wanted to get it finished because there was a cool driving simulator thing on campus that day and I wanted more than anything to go over there but I had no time to. Jodi was returning from being over at the driving simulator thing and was walking to the talk studio smiling at me and saw that I was not happy and walked in and immediately was like what is wrong? I explained it to her and she kind of said things that I didn’t really appreciate much until a few hours later. She was reassuring me that I would get my work done. When I asked her a question as to what more I could write her answer actually did help. Then even she though she had just been out for a cigarette she went back out for one when I asked if she would go with me for one. She even understood how much my near crying fit and storming off was brought on and worsened by the lads all laughing at me.  I eventually got my work done and my knuckles on the hand that I punched the wall with began to bruise. I got home earlier than normal on a Thursday since my class was cancelled and ended up going for a nap, which is something I hardly ever do but I really needed one. I got up for a while and went to bed at around 1am and as soon as I laid in bed with my phone off I started to have sleep paralysis again. I think I’ve had it a total of like 5-7 times in the 2 months, and it’s been my first time ever having sleep paralysis when it started September.

Today, as in Friday, was a lot better. I was afraid that the lads would be angry at me for not doing the video and refuse to talk to me but they didn’t seem to hold a grudge. It was the Open Day at the college so we had a busy day ahead of us. Unfortunately I had a shortage of cigarettes for the day and it made the day feel way longer than it actually was. I got some good photos but due to my lack of sleep and the slowness of my computer it can wait til the morning to work on them. I wouldn’t say I did a whole lot today but the atmosphere around the college was nice except I was a little panicked at the amount of people but I tried to ignore it and it worked. I gave a sigh of relief though when the crowds had all disappeared and the halls were fairly empty again. I walked over to Jodi in the hall before she left and she looked at me and said I looked happier today. I was kinda like “I don’t know, I guess so…” She then gave me a hug and it was a long hug, for once. Due to the fact that my brain and every part of my feels like it’s trying to do anything and everything and work at a mile a minute, I think that the hug slowed down all the thoughts and electrical impulses that were being sent from my brain. I couldn’t remember the last I really felt a hug. Most of the time recently I was never mentally present for a hug I would be distracted, but this time was different. I could hear her heartbeat which by right I should hear most of the time when I hug her but I guess I just never pay attention. Then she started singing something and then when after the hug I smiled and said to her “Well I’m definitely happy now!” Never underestimate how much a hug can mean to someone. Also the fact that she noticed my change in mood before I was even aware of it. I didn’t realise that I actually was in a better mood than I was the day before until she said it.

It Was The Best Of Times,It Was The Worst Of Times!

I’ve been a having one of the most stressful,tiring,amazing,awful,interesting weeks of my life. The week started off with me pulling two all-nighters in a row on Sunday night and Monday night until I finally went to sleep at half 6 Tuesday morning. I didn’t think I was going to wake up and you know what the thought didn’t scare me I didn’t care if I woke up I slept until 5 past 1 in the day, I didn’t have class until two and even though I made it in I didn’t go because I still hadn’t finished the work I stayed up those two nights doing. I got into the studio and I made it clear to one of the guys in there that I had work to do so I would like to be left alone. I had to say it in the nicest way I could because even though I was super stressed I was still able to remember that other people have feelings and if I yelled “Fuck off” at them they might have gotten upset so I couldn’t do it. Anyways he didn’t leave me alone. After I told him I had work to do he came in two more times. Upon his first re-entrance he made me feel really uncomfortable and I felt genuinely scared. He walked in, closed the blinds and said “Do you like sitting in the dark?” I just told him “I don’t really care.” What I wanted to say was “I don’t fucking know I’m trying to work here and I guess I don’t have a choice because you’re the one who went and closed them . I think you’re the one who likes sitting in the dark don’t drag me into this I don’t have time.” I sent Jodi a snap that was sarcastic but I just needed to tell someone immediately upon him leaving the room because I felt really weird after that interaction. After I sent the snap too he came back in and open the blinds and then left again and never came back in. Jodi responded anyways and she text me to give her a ring. So I did and talking to her made me feel a bit better, she was only on her way into college at that time. She said she was walking to the bus and I was like “You’re on the way into college? Yayyyy!” When she got to college she went into the room that I was in and talked to me for a bit while I did my work and it actually helped me get more work done and she knew that it would. Not only was I getting work done but I was feeling less stressed talking to her.

Before she got to college, when I first started doing work I punched one of the walls in the studio. It might seem to some people now that I’ve developed or have an anger problem. Well the truth is I’ve always had one but due to my mother’s constant restrain on my expression of anger, I’ve had to bottle up too much anger for far too long. It’s seems really aggressive to punch a wall, I know, but I find it similar to cutting. It’s just a method of self-harm to me. I would never think about hitting something I know I would break. I seem to have no problem hitting something that could break me. I would never hit someone unless they attack me first and I’m just using self defense. I’d rather feel 100% pain all the time both mentally and physically if it meant no one else had to feel even an ounce of pain ever.

Since I skipped my 2hr class that started at two to do work, I had some time off so I spent it in the studio with Jodi and a few others. I was supposed to have a 2hr class starting at 4 but I didn’t feel up to going. I missed a lot of classes this week and it probably makes it seem that I don’t care about my course. I fucking care I just wanted to avoid having an anxiety attack which I knew I’d get if I tried to sit through some of those classes. I have had a cold for the past two weeks. I never missed any classes because of it. If I did I’m no one would say anything. So if anyone dares say anything about me missing classes this week because I didn’t feel up to it mentally, you can go fuck yourself. At about quarter past 4 Jodi and two of the guys who also do our course, were going for a drive down to Manor West. I decided to go with them and when we were walking through the dirt carpark at the back of the college, I slipped and fell because it was really muddy. For once I didn’t immediately pull my knees to my chest and try to hide my head. I didn’t feel nearly as much embarrassment as I should have. It made me feel like I was starting to feel for the first time since I was a child comfortable to be able to not get embarrassed in front of someone I’m friends with and just laugh it off. I don’t know if I’ve ever laughed off something like though. This might have been a first. It made me feel good about myself. I was developing in some way. I thought it was a sign that I was starting to get slightly better. The whole day on Tuesday I was being extra funny, or at least trying to be funnier than usual. I made people laugh a lot throughout the day and that is my favourite thing to do so I was happy. I went home that evening and my housemates as well as a few of my other friends who live in Oakfield and I were having a few drinks in the house because we all had a stressful few days and we needed it. We were trying to watch a movie on Netflix but after a long time of trying to decide Anchorman 2 ended up being put on. I couldn’t stay up to watch much of it because I had to get up extra early the next morning to go to a protest in Dublin.

On Wednesday 19th October, I went on my first protest. I loved it. I loved it. I LOVED IT!!! I didn’t care how early I had to get up. I didn’t care that I got about 3 and a half hours of sleep, I was ready to go. I got a drive up to the bus luckily I really didn’t want to walk up in the dark. I got to to sit next to Stan on the bus which was great because we both were just making jokes the whole time  and we both knew that we were really interested in this protest and were both glad that people who weren’t interested or didn’t care, stayed at home because they would have killed our excitement. They would have complained constantly. They wouldn’t have taken it seriously. I liked the drive up to Dublin and then once we got to the city I was just looking around in awe at a city a know very little about. I had been to Dublin a total of two times before Wednesday, to go to the zoo when I was 8, and to go to the airport two year ago. Both times I went before, I hardly saw the city. We quickly met up with the crowd filled with students, parents, lecturers, from all over the country. We were all united fighting for something that we feel strongly about, our RIGHT to education. Before we even started the march I started getting teary-eyed at what was happening, what I was doing and that I was actually doing it. I get really panicky in massive crowds but for some reason being in the middle of that crowd just felt right. I was shouting all the chants along with everyone else and getting really inspired by how passionate so many people were about it. I wasn’t even tired after the walk, my legs felt fine and I could still breathe. When we got to the end of the march there was stage where a few people made speeches. There were all really good but the one I can’t get over is the one by Annie Hoey, the President of the USI. I think it was the best speech I’ve ever heard in my entire life and I clung onto every word of it. The more the speech went on the louder her voice got. She ended the speech with one of the main chants “What do we want? Education! When do we want it? Now!” We did that about three times and then she ends it with “THEN FUCKING FIGHT FOR IT!!!!” I cried at her speech. Once that was finished we walked up to where our bus would be turning up and went and got Starbucks. We ended up then having to wait like an extra hour for our bus to show up and another half an hour for it to go. For the most part, I didn’t mind waiting I thought it was kind of fun in a way. It was absolutely freezing but I didn’t care I was still just so incredibly happy with how the day went. We got to go to the Barack Obama Plaza in Moneygall and get food. It was all I ate that day. I went 14 hours with eating anything except a few pringles.

When I got home I was still so happy, even though I had to go try and study for my Databases exam which was the next day and I only got home at like 11 I think. The house was empty when I got home because my housemates had gone for a few drinks. They got back less than an hour after me so I went back downstairs and talked to them for a bit. I sat down and they asked me how it went and I said it was brilliant and it was the best thing ever. I was there for a while and I had this massive grin on my face and they were like “What’s got you so happy? What happened today that made you so happy? Did you get the shift or something?” I was just happy because of everything, and no I did not shift anyone still waiting for the day where that happens! I got up the next day and I was very tired. I made my way into college to hand up the journals I had spent doing during my all nighters. Then I tried to study more for my exam but didn’t have too much time since the exam was at 11. The exam went to shit about half way through and I couldn’t do it. When I finished the exam I walked out feeling really terrible and contemplated jumping over the balcony from the 2nd/3rd floor (whatever you’d call it) down to the ground floor. I didn’t do it though. I went into the studio and I kicked the soft wall, leaving a shoe dent in it. I also kicked an round orange small seat we have because I needed to get my anger out. I then went for a cigarette and smoked it in two minutes which is a new record.  I went back to the studio and sat down with my head down and one of the 4th years asked me why I was doing that and I said it was because my exam went shit. I went out for another cigarette shortly after and met Jodi in the smoking area. We walked back in together and went to the studio. Now she’s been feeling sick for all of this week and last week. During this week though whenever one of us would sit down next to her or we were just there she would ask some specific “Comfort me”. Can you guess who she never asked? She had been saying that since Monday and I think it only bothered me Thursday because I was already in a mentally unstable state. My thought process about it from that day was-Why didn’t she want me to comfort her? I mean I was sitting beside her in the union Tuesday evening and she asked someone else who sat on the other side of her after I did to comfort her. That still wasn’t what made me feel weird about it. I guess I have no idea how to comfort people or at least I must give off that vibe. I guess hugging me isn’t in any way comforting. Maybe I should stop hugging people? I mean it must make them uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter if it’s something that I really like and comforts me, I must put everyone else’s feelings before my own.

Then a few of us went into the studio and Jodi went on Facebook. Usually when she’s on it in the studio I glance through a few posts that come up in her news feed like a few weeks ago when a article for “Top 10 Harry Potter moments that will make you cry!” We both looked at each other and Jodi was like “Are we ready for this? I don’t think I am.” We started reading it but unfortunately a class came in. Anyways back to present day. On Thursday this wasn’t the case because all the seats near the desk were taken so I sat on the window sill that is near the desk but it the computer Facebook is on is impossible to see when sitting there. So I sat there thinking about everything that was going wrong with me and trying to figure out what was happening. Simultaneously I was trying to scratch lines across my arm using the sharpest finger nail I could find. It wasn’t very sharp so while it did create lines it didn’t cause any loss of blood. I looked up and saw Jodi laughing at something she saw on Facebook with one of the girls in my class. I felt like Jodi was sort of ignoring me while we were in there. We eventually went out for a cigarette again. I went out to the smoking area with Jodi and the girl from my class, then the new guy in my class was out shortly after and he is vital to this story so he is getting a name in these blogs already. I’m going to call him Derek, because that’s his go to fake name. So everyone knew I was in a bad mood for most of the day and while we were in the studio before we went outside Derek asked did I want a hug. I said no. Then when we went outside and Derek was out a little bit after us, I had my back turned to the direction he was coming from so when he walked out he went up behind me and gave me a hug. I said I didn’t want a hug but all I wanted/needed was a hug. He was then saying other things to help comfort me. Jodi then said that she was trying to give me space when we had been in the studio and tried not to make eye contact with me because she wanted to take a different approach and also she thought that she was upsetting me in some way and didn’t want to make it worse. I told her that by giving me space it made it so much more worse. I also asked why she thought she was upsetting me? Like how could she have upset me, she did absolutely nothing to me!! She gave me a hug and said “I’ll never give you space again”. I’m actually fine if she does that again I would just like to know that she’s doing that next time so I don’t feel like I did something wrong. She will have to give me space at some point because she might be the one who needs the space from the negativity that radiates off me when I’m having one of my bad days. I felt guilty on Thursday that I was making the people around me sad by feeling mentally messed up, confused, and fairly depressed. I felt like I should have tried to pretend to be happy just so I wouldn’t bring anyone else down.

After we went in from the smoking area, it was just me a Derek who went into the studio. Jodi and the girl in my class entered a little after that. Derek and I went into the actual room that has the desk in it as opposed to just the entrance part that Jodi stayed in before she had to leave. Already in the desk room was the guy who did the creepy curtain thing to me on Monday and Misty, one of my favourite 3rd years. I was sitting there starting to cry and they were all concerned. The curtain guy started saying stuff like “I really wish I had you as a sister instead of my two I have because they are just social media magnets”. He’s said this to me before and I wouldn’t have minded except the fact that I did absolutely nothing good. I was sitting there being a depressed, emotional, girl who was confused with everything. I replied saying “You’d rather have a depressed, anxious, confused girl instead of people who just spend all day on social media??” I didn’t understand what he was trying to get out of saying that. He then told me to just go home and cry in my room alone. First of all, the last thing I fucking needed was to be alone. Second of all, I get that can be helpful sometimes but don’t tell me what to fucking do I want to stay in college. Then he said something along the lines of “Don’t worry you’ll be grand, nothing’s wrong with you!!” Derek immediately rolled his wheely chair over to me a grabbed my hand and stroked his thumb over the top of it as a means of comfort. He then turned to curtain guy and said “You DO NOT say that to someone who’s having these kind of feelings. It makes it worse.” I started crying because of how concerned he was about me and how much he cared. Also how he was like “Do you want me to get you a bottle of coke, fanta, water etc?” I put my head in my hands and Misty came over to me a gave me a hug and said she hated seeing me upset. Then she pulled my hair back so my face could be seen. I cried again a few minutes later when Derek gave me the longest, tightest hug I’ve had in a long time. I started to feel a bit better when he put on the Grease soundtrack and starting singing to me. Grease is like the foundation  of our friendship really. It also would make anyone feel better. I wasn’t going to go class but since I started feeling better I decided to go. Also if I had stayed in the studio I would have been stuck with curtain guy.

Class was actually grand and I liked it. I went home straight after class and then hung out with my housemates and other friends in Oakfield at mine for the rest of the night. I saw Jodi later and she wasn’t there when Derek was cheering me up with Grease so she didn’t know that I was after cheering up. She said I looked like I was feeling a lot better and before she went back to where she was staying she gave me and hug. She came back again later to have a cigarette. I went to bed feeling a bit better but it was still like 2am before I went to bed so again I got very little sleep. I think the lack of sleep is really the main factor playing on all this mental shit.